What is the best approach for coming out?

[Gina_darling]

Hi girls, I have been crossdressing for years just behind a closed door with the odd item. Particularly this year I have gone a lot further and have started shopping for Gina and started to wear fem jeans out. I have also been out in public in full dress but not serious dress, just fancy dress or singing on stage...funny I can sing as gwen Stefani in front of over a hundred but find this harder! I have ordered a proper wig instead of the fun red one in my avatar so I can go out soon in serious female dress which I'm looking forward to.

What I want to ask is how best to approach the coming out to my Mum and sisters? I am returning home at the weekend for a month and have told myself I will tell them. They know I have dressed for costumes and sang on stage and thought it was great, but it is a big difference from fun to serious for them i think. Should I say that that is a tip of a big and old iceberg with a gently does it approach? Or should I go all out and just walk in en femme? I know you'll all tell me that each situation is unique and I strongly agree with that, so any tips or stories of how you did it?

Hugs, Gina xx

[Karren H]

Well jumping out of the closet fully enfemme is almost never a good idea!! SURPRISE!!!! Thud...... Mum has a heart attach and hits the floor.... And the way I came out is not good either..... "Who's skirts are these??". Gulp....

So I'd try the subtle hints... Maybe break it to the sister that maybe the most accepting and if that goes well she can help you with the others..... Just thinking out loud..... Good luck!!!

Love Karren

[Lovely Rita]

Wish I could advise you but my SO discovered it by a fortunate accident.

[susie evans]

start out slow and see how things are accepted and go from there it can be very tricky and nerve racking :hugs:

susie

[Melinda G]

I still don't understand why anyone feels the need to come out, to anyone. Keep it private and personal. Works for me.

[steffie39]

I would definitely not advise walking in the room en-femme. You can do it gradually even over a couple of times. Better to proceed with caution I say. Break it to them gently.

You are very courageous. As often as I go out as Steffie, I am still not out to anyone who knows me as male except my wife. Good luck!

Steffie

[Stephenie S]

I think that having a "talk" is probably the best approach. Just tell your Mum that you have something important to talk to her about that will be very difficult for you. She will probably think you are going to tell her you are gay so the revelation that you just want to CD may be a relief. That is, unless you ARE gay, in which case that won't work. LOL. Still I like the idea of the talk much better than just arriving "dressed". Have a picture of yourself (please, one that is not ****ty) to show her so she will understand the seriousness of your talk.

Good luck, dear. It HAS to be done.

Stephenie

[Holly]

I agree that just popping out to Mum enfemme (the TA DA method) is not the way to go. When I came out to my wife, I asked her to sit by me at the computer and brought up this website. I went to one of my posts and said to her, "That's me." Like you, I had been out dressed with her several times in past years, almost always on Halloween. Once we performed on stage with me in drag (although I don't sound at all like Gwen Stefani). It took her a few days to get her head wrapped around it, but she she did an we've been happy ever since. Your results may vary but it worked for me.

[sparks]

cold sweat and look paniced worked for me. Actually Though panicked on this end was just for my personal experience. I was crying while typing on MSN to my sister. I couldn't see her and vise versa. And wham I just dug in. I had been trying to spill the beans for awhile. And finally with my marriage in shambles it was a huge confession time.

[Gina_darling]

Thanks very much everyone for your input! I personally think the sit down talk is by far the best way so tahnk you for your advice.

To Melinda G, I don't like living with the secrecy, I'd be happier if my close family knew (I think).

Gina xx

[Girlieboy]

I am reminded of Quentin Crisp's famous comment when asked exactly how he would go about "coming out". "No problem" he replied in tones of pure Crisperanto, "you see, I was never actually in".

Diane
XX

[stacie]

Baby steps and time and also get a feel for what she may think about someone crossdressing. Good luck.

[MsPriscilla]

Not gone there yet. Why cause a problem if there isn't one with not coming out?

[Princess29]

I've just sent an email to a good gg friend in germany to tell her about the other side of me and plan to tell my best friend on tuesday. I'm so tired of having to hide this but at the same time realise that its nobody's business what I like to do but my own so I don't know which direction that I want to go in. I have made some femme purchases here in the US on my travels and as I live with my parents and will be returning there next week, I'd rather not have to worry about getting the stuff from my suitcase safely packed away without them seeing it so maybe my friend can hold on to it for me.

[Gina_darling]

Not gone there yet. Why cause a problem if there isn't one with not coming out?

For years I would ahve agreed with you, but now I feel it is more of a problem for me by hiding it than it would be to be open about it. Thank you very much for your input though :hugs:

[marie354]

It seems to me that my stress level was higher when I was hiding it.

[Melinda G]

Better to live with the secrecy, than embarrassment and ridicule, from people who don't understand or approve of what we do.
Most of us don't understand what we do or why, so how can we expect others to understand.
It might be interesting to take a poll, of all those who came out to someone, and what was the outcome., good or bad. Might surprise all of us.

[CandyDarling]

Easy does it seems to be the thread. I particulary like the idea of reaching out for your sister first. Let her then guide you. Remember this is personal and private behavior and although I beleive there is great freedom in having those close to you aware - keep it real close. The world at large is hostile to us.

[tinasim]

I think the best approach is to do a lot of research on how others came out. Books like "My Husband Betty" and "My Husband Wears My Clothes" are great for giving you the viewpoint of someone else (a spouse/wife).

Be ready to listen and be compassionate, understanding, and loving. For a trans-person, coming out is sharing a secret about yourself. To the person you're coming out to it can feel like you've dropped a bomb on them. You've lived with this all your life; they haven't. That is the most important fact to realize.

And, like others have said, the worst thing you can do is come out dressed and have that be the first aspect of your coming out. They need to tell you if and when they are ready to see you, and how much. For me, I came out in stages. It took me about 4 months to get to fully en femme, and I thought that was flying fast for my wife.


I still don't understand why anyone feels the need to come out, to anyone. Keep it private and personal. Works for me.

Your relationship with your spouse is special and based on trust - and if you are hiding this from her, then what else might you be hiding? You lose big time on that trust issue by not coming out to her. Besides, no matter how good you are at hiding it, you'lll slip up eventually, and she's going to find out. It's better that you can manage some aspect of your wife finding out rather than having her coming to you confused or angry out of the blue.

For others (parents/children/friends/etc.), there is less of a need. It all depends on how you feel about yourself and how far you are planning to go with this.

As to employers/coworkers - this is really a need-to-know basis. If you're transitioning 24/7, then yes, otherwise I cannot see the reason why you would want to come out there.

[RobertaFermina]

Dear Gina_Darling,

I showed brothers and sisters (and nephews and nieces) pictures of me EnFemme. I showed pictures where I was in full dress at a Church Mardi Gras Party and having fun! No frowns from this girl! HeHe!

I got acceptance or tolerance from everyone.

The part I liked about it is that they could see my happiness as Roberta while I was sitting next to them as the Bob they are comfortable with. A number remarked that I looked very happy! That meant to me that they saw me sharing my joy, rather than laying my burden on them. If they hadn't seen it, I am at peace knowing that is what I sought to do.

I discovered after that day that at least one or two were not as accepting as they let on. One brother is personally troubled, as I have been a role-model for him, in some ways. Now feels confused and betrayed - I have work to do in connecting with him and hearing him, and responding to his concerns.

That said, I like having done it this way. I discovered that some of them already knew, and now had the opportunity (since I opened the issue) to get answers to questions they were already asking (in their own minds).

No matter how I introduced it, some would be concerned and troubled.

So I figure I got as good a result as I could.

Hope you find your own *good way* to share yourself!

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Sam-antha]

I doubt that there is a "common" 'best way'. There probably is a "common accidental way" though.
Which being said it is not much use to anybody least of all those who want to come out.
It must be a matter of how badly the want is felt.
Does it equate to the trust existing between you and the person who will receive the shock and shock it will probably be.
Is it worth the almost inevitable permanent change (to some degree) in relationship to voluntarily come out to someone dear to you ?

[Sierra Evon]

start out slow and see how things are accepted and go from there it can be very tricky and nerve racking :hugs:

susie

I'll be rooting for ya !!!!!!!! :yt:

[btmgrl6]

I just ....sat everyone down and laid it for them. I lost some family and friends, but in my case I had to do it for my own survival. i moved,got a new job, made new friends...it still hurts some, but I am truly happy now. i had no SO at the time..or now for that matter...lol, so I can't imagine what it would be like to have to lay something like this on them. The upside is that when I do meet that person..They are meeting the real me. No surprises.
I was tired of hiding,and making excuses. There's more to my story than just being a cd'er so......my motivation for coming out (hate that term) may be different, urgent in fact. Good luck

Steph

[Lisa Golightly]

Just be confident in voice and manner.