man, being tg is f***ed up!

[pocoyo]

What the he**?

Why is being transgender so f*cking annoying and confusing?

Obviously I am never completely certain, but lately have been considering the fact that I may well want to transition.

But then suddenly today, because of a few things (reading some posts and being thoughtful after talking) I am thinking...

I might "just" be a crossdresser.
I read some stuff by some mfts in the photo thing... and they were wishing to have physical attributes of a woman.. even though they aren't transexual... (or were they? They didn't specify actually now I come to think of it).

Maybe my sometimes (well every day actually) longing for the physical attributes of a man are just symptoms of crossdressing.
Not of being transexual.

Yes I do yearn everyday to be a man. But maybe it's because I've never been able to FULLY experience that. Perhaps it's nothing to do with being "a boy with a girl's body".

And no I'm not saying this because I'm in denial (I don't think)... I'm just really confused and actually p*ssed off with the whole thing right now.

And my bloody mum confuses me too.. she makes me doubt myself SO MUCH. About lots of stuff. Not just TG issues.

But in the case of me being TG it's probably a good thing that she "fights" against certain aspects of it.. but she really doesn't need to .. because I do that enough myself.

I am actually afraid that I'm making all this bullsh*t up somehow.

I have issues.

Why was I just looking at pictures of Edward Furlong for ages... thinking/wondering how much I would resemble him if I transitioned. (Because I resemble him somewhat and I reckon his slightly more masculine features would be what I look like if I transition... well that sort of boy/man anyway).

But I wasn't sure if I wanted to be WITH him... or be LIKE him.
Or both....

Because I know I do look a bit like him... but I fancy him too.
Isn't that like... really weird? Self-love lol?

Which got me to thinking... that perhaps I am just crossdressing.. and trying to create a boy I'd like to be with... rather than a boy I'd like to be.

Which means I'm basically just a stupid, messed up GG (no I don't think that other people that do this are messed up btw).

It also made me feel pathetic... seeing the more male person that looks like me. Compared my ridiculous feminine features (albeit clumsy ones).

Hmmm which leads me "nicely" on to...
I do have some gender/body dysphoria issues as well, and sexual issues.

But perhaps they are nothing to do with being trans and I am just trying to make it all fit together.


I am confused and p*ssed off.

Don't worry I am sure I will be normal and bouncing around again tomorrow or something (or even later today) but at the moment I am just feeling really angry. But I have been a bit moody on and off the last couple of days anyway so it's probably just tiredness & perhaps this just happens to be the particular thing I'm grumping about at the moment lol.
Oh I could rant on and on!

:angry:

poco yo (who/what ever the bloomin' eck that is!!!)
RrraaAAAAAARGH!!!!!

meh.

[Evert]

So and how did that feel? probably not any better but who knows. I'm sure you'll figure it out sooner or later. Just talk with your wonderful psy-woman. I know you can do it. :hugs:

[pocoyo]

How did it feel?
Which bit?

:hugs: :hugs:

[Sierra Evon]

I'll be rooting for ya , dude , just shotgun some energy drinks , that'll put some hair on your chest , or else just eat some steaks & lift some weights , hope this adive helps ya out dude , peace out Poc !!!!!! :thumbsup:

[bi_weird]

*HUG*
Deep breath Poc. I know it's confusing, but you don't actually HAVE to know any of these answers right now. Right now you're sitting around thinking about this and upset, and that's precisely the wrong time to be thinking about it. You'll convince yourself you're in denial, and then you'll deny your denial, and it'll just go in circles. Go pet your dog. No really, right now. Come back in five.
Cheater. I knew you'd read on without saying hello to the pooch. Listen, you are whoever you are, but you don't need to know exactly. In fact, I'd recommend NEVER knowing exactly, 'cause you'll change. Even if magically today you suddenly know exactly where your gender is, in five or fifty years you might be completely different.
As for my (totally pointless 'cause it's you that matters) opinion as to who you are. You're not messed up. You're not making this up. You may be putting on more of a show than is actually the truth, but you're to real to not be TG. You're going to fight this because it's scary, because it's hard, because it's so very different than who you've been and almost no one in your life has a clue how you feel. Denial never really goes away. I still question my bisexuality, and a friend who came out a year before me still questions hers. But deep down we know who we are, and so when we start getting confused, we eat junk food or go to bed, and it goes away. You're going to fight this, but what's real will get around all of your denial and fear. Somethings you just can't deny.
*HUGs again*
Hope you feel better soon.

[pocoyo]

I'll be rooting for ya , dude , just shotgun some energy drinks , that'll put some hair on your chest , or else just eat some steaks & lift some weights , hope this adive helps ya out dude , peace out Poc !!!!!! :thumbsup:

lmao! it doesn't really help but it does cheer me up :heehee:
(... I don't do energy drinks cos they make me feel ill, I don't want hair on my chest...I don't really eat meat, I already lift weights, though I don't wanna be big n bulky ha ha :lol:) I was more talking about the "not having boobs" and "having male body shape" and "being able to have stubble" type things.

Thanks Sierra, bless ya ;)

[Adam]

finding yourself and who you are takes time we are here if you need us :D

in a way its good your so confuzed and thinking things properly before you make a move towards transition because if you decide its right for you then at least you no you thought all your options first.

It is hard and makes sence your not sure because you no its a majour step i think your find and in your own time you will find whats right for you

hope what i said was ok and ssending a :hugs: for you hope you felling more happy soon

[pocoyo]

*HUG*
Deep breath Poc. I know it's confusing, but you don't actually HAVE to know any of these answers right now. Right now you're sitting around thinking about this and upset, and that's precisely the wrong time to be thinking about it. You'll convince yourself you're in denial, and then you'll deny your denial, and it'll just go in circles. Go pet your dog. No really, right now. Come back in five.
Cheater. I knew you'd read on without saying hello to the pooch. Listen, you are whoever you are, but you don't need to know exactly. In fact, I'd recommend NEVER knowing exactly, 'cause you'll change. Even if magically today you suddenly know exactly where your gender is, in five or fifty years you might be completely different.
As for my (totally pointless 'cause it's you that matters) opinion as to who you are. You're not messed up. You're not making this up. You may be putting on more of a show than is actually the truth, but you're to real to not be TG. You're going to fight this because it's scary, because it's hard, because it's so very different than who you've been and almost no one in your life has a clue how you feel. Denial never really goes away. I still question my bisexuality, and a friend who came out a year before me still questions hers. But deep down we know who we are, and so when we start getting confused, we eat junk food or go to bed, and it goes away. You're going to fight this, but what's real will get around all of your denial and fear. Somethings you just can't deny.
*HUGs again*
Hope you feel better soon.

Awwww bi you are so lovely sometimes do you know that?
ha... it ended up with you hugging a sad poc... not the other way round...!
:hugs:
I wish you were here for a real hug right now! (Actually but then you'd see/hear my female-ness so noo.. come round for a hug when/if I transition hehe).
You really are lovely. Thank you. And you're right, I cheated on the dog thing...

*pets her now* aww nice doggy.

She said hi btw... well more "woof" actually...

[pocoyo]

finding yourself and who you are takes time we are here if you need us :D

in a way its good your so confuzed and thinking things properly before you make a move towards transition because if you decide its right for you then at least you no you thought all your options first.

It is hard and makes sence your not sure because you no its a majour step i think your find and in your own time you will find whats right for you

hope what i said was ok and ssending a :hugs: for you hope you felling more happy soon

awwww and Adam! Thank you so much too!
Wow I am so friggin' lucky I can come to this place and get kind words from you guys. What about all those poor confused people out there that don't have you as friends? :(

I think that's a really cool thing to say actually... about at least exploring so much it will mean that the final decision has had a lot of thought in it.
Thanks Adam you are very lovely & wise :hugs:

[Dasein9]

Why was I just looking at pictures of Edward Furlong for ages... thinking/wondering how much I would resemble him if I transitioned. (Because I resemble him somewhat and I reckon his slightly more masculine features would be what I look like if I transition... well that sort of boy/man anyway).

But I wasn't sure if I wanted to be WITH him... or be LIKE him.
Or both....

Because I know I do look a bit like him... but I fancy him too.
Isn't that like... really weird? Self-love lol?

Which got me to thinking... that perhaps I am just crossdressing.. and trying to create a boy I'd like to be with... rather than a boy I'd like to be.


For what it's worth, we're all confused. We all have issues. That's why we're here.

I picked this bit out because it's what I've been working on lately too.

For me, it's not narcissism because I'm attracted to the kind of guy I'd like to be, instead of being attracted to a carbon copy of myself. There's always striving to be done, no matter how good we are. :D

I finally figured out that for me, it's much simpler than for most people. I'm attracted to mostly masculine things for myself and in the people I want to be with. So my attractions are kind of to one kind of thing, mostly, whether they're attractions for what I want to be or what I'm attracted to in another.

Other people aren't like that, and I'm just getting that through my head. They have attractions for themselves that are different from what attracts them in others. My straight sister is attracted to pretty, girly things for herself, and masculine things in the objects of her affections.

While I accept that as perfectly valid, I don't understand it. Not in my gut. It seems so oddly complicated. How do such people keep their attractions in order?

Maybe this sounds familiar? Maybe it's just rambling and I need to eat something before I'll make any sense.

[pocoyo]

Wow that DOES make sense/sound familiar!!
Thanks Das you're really cool :hugs:
Yes... generally a girly boy is the kind of thing I am attracted to.. and also pretty much the kind of thing I'd like to be a lot of the time.

I give myself such a hard time over a lot of things...
This (being TG) is one of them.
I doubt myself a lot... both directions.

Thanks so much for being so great!

[MarinaTwelve200]

I think its BOTH the SEXUAL and Social-Sexual aspect of TG that contributes a LOT to the confusion.---These elements are so BIG and important to our psyches that theyprevent us from thinking clearly.

My advice is to STUDY similar conditions where SEX does not play as big a part---Like "furries" and "Transformationists"---There's LOTS of websites and forums to these BIG "Underground" groups.

I didnt know they existed until I disccovered them while researching fairy tale stories. The TF people are just as obsesed whth their conditions as us CD/Tg folks are---But without the front line sexual element its easier to see what may be going on.

The similarities to CD for example are amazing---except a TF or Furry may fantacise about becomming a HORSE or pig rather than a a human of the opposite sex.

[Kieron Andrew]

to put it simple.....yeah i know im kinda simple anyway........before ANYONE goes there

if you are confused about ANY gender issues that means you are trans in some shape or form.....you just gotta work out where you fit on that spectrum....and thats what the nice lady is hopefully helping you do by opening your mind to different thoughts and feelings.....stick with it...it will get easier....im not saying it will be solved, only time will tell that, but it does get easier to cope with the self discovery of it all

[pocoyo]

I think its BOTH the SEXUAL and Social-Sexual aspect of TG that contributes a LOT to the confusion.---These elements are so BIG and important to our psyches that theyprevent us from thinking clearly.

My advice is to STUDY similar conditions where SEX does not play as big a part---Like "furries" and "Transformationists"---There's LOTS of websites and forums to these BIG "Underground" groups.

I didnt know they existed until I disccovered them while researching fairy tale stories. The TF people are just as obsesed whth their conditions as us CD/Tg folks are---But without the front line sexual element its easier to see what may be going on.

The similarities to CD for example are amazing---except a TF or Furry may fantacise about becomming a HORSE or pig rather than a a human of the opposite sex.


Wow, that's really interesting (and possibly saddening/confusing....)

I have read stuff on some sites about similar things.. but ones I've read actually tend to be mainly sexual!

So are you saying that there are people like us... that long to be animals rather than the opposite sex... and that sexual things aren't a part of it?
(Sorry if I'm a bit dumb.. but sometimes I need things explained really simply to me lol!)

If so.. then that is confusing!


Also...does that blow the whole "actually being born with a male/female brain type thing, theory" out of the water?

Or is it just all part of it? All aspects of a bigger picture?

Hmmmmmm.

[pocoyo]

to put it simple.....yeah i know im kinda simple anyway........before ANYONE goes there

if you are confused about ANY gender issues that means you are trans in some shape or form.....you just gotta work out where you fit on that spectrum....and thats what the nice lady is hopefully helping you do by opening your mind to different thoughts and feelings.....stick with it...it will get easier....im not saying it will be solved, only time will tell that, but it does get easier to cope with the self discovery of it all

Thank you Kieron!
For all my analysing and worrying I am actually a really simple, straightforward person too. So sometimes a very simple answer is something I understand!

Yeah... you're right... I must definitely be transgender. In whatever form, for whatever reason.
How could I even be confused/doubting about that?

Hm lately I'd been thinking about just how transgender I am.
Seriously... some days I think I'm definitely wanting to transition... and others I think "Look at yourself and the things/people which surround you... you are a girl... get a grip you idiot!" ... Now I would never ever think or say anything about/to anyone else like that.. so I shouldn't to myself either.

You're right. I think my counsellor is really helping... she seems to have a really organised & structured way of working, and seems to know her stuff.

I think she is very helpful.

Thanks Kieron... big bro :p :hugs:

[Dasein9]

There's one I've been wondering about lately. I'm reading a lot of gender theory, and it's tied closely to race theory. Feminist struggles compared to civil rights struggles, and the like. And gender does seem to be akin to race in some ways, such as their relationships to a society or culture as a whole. And race and gender are really just ways that we classify people.

So, I understand (sort of) about people knowing they're the opposite gender from the one they're assigned. But I've never heard of anyone knowing they're a different race than the one they're normally perceived as being, except in cases where there was ancestry to justify it. For instance, I knew a woman who was as pale as I, and that's pale! She's black, in a way, because her father is black.

Now, I wonder if there are any cases of people who don't have family histories like that, but feel strongly that they're mis-identified according to race?

[Kieron Andrew]

Thanks Kieron... big bro :p :hugs:
now are you gonna quit worrying and analysing so much???

oh and i bet you didn't get your bath yet either did you??

[pocoyo]

Now, I wonder if there are any cases of people who don't have family histories like that, but feel strongly that they're mis-identified according to race?

I wonder about that too!!!



now are you gonna quit worrying and analysing so much???

oh and i bet you didn't get your bath yet either did you??

Owkay den.... *shuffles foot*....

No.. I still a dirty poc (hehe!)

Ok I will go and have a nice wash... *sings in a silly voice as jauntily wandering off to the bathroom...*
I'm gowwnna wash that worry right outta maah haaiir... and send it owwwnn itt's hwwaaayyy..."

[Adam]

have a nice bath ahh nice and relax in a hot tub :D

[Abraxas]

Hey, mate.
I have a feeling that all of us here have had these same thoughts/feelings/questions at some point, and will continue to do so. It's natural, and it's healthy. If we didn't question things, and just accepted everything blindly, we'd never end up being who we're supposed to be.

I know what you mean about wanting to be like the guys you fancy/like/respect-- I do that, too. In fact, sometimes I take it way farther than I should, to the point where I have no idea who I am anymore. I wonder whether I'm even still me, or if I've absorbed so much of someone else's personality that I'm turning into that other person. Thing of it is, though, I've come to realise, is that no matter who we pretend to be, or want to be, we're still just us. Because that acting, or pretending, or mimicking, whatever you want to call it, is a part of who we are. If I want to be like Hugh Laurie, then that's part of me.

I do find myself being attracted to guys who are similar to me. Not necessarily in looks, but in personality traits. People who have my same melancholy, yet somehow optimistic outlook on life. People who also like to punch walls when they're upset. People who prefer boots over trainers, and like to play piano until three in the morning. People who like the same books and music.
Even if I don't know these things at the time... Okay. Hard to explain. I usually start liking these people arbitrarily, and then find out that their personalities are like mine. I'm not changing my personality to be like theirs-- it already was. And I find some comfort in that, but with my obsessive nature, I take it a step further, and consciously (and unconsciously) adopt their mannerisms, speech patterns, etc.
Which I realise sounds a bit neurotic/insane.
But it's all part of trying to figure out who I am, and who I want to be, and who I should be.
At least, that's the way I rationalise it, haha!

Big hugs, bro. :hugs:

[Dasein9]

Now you've convinced me! It's 21* here (Fahrenheit) and my windows are draughty. I'm going to go out for Mexican, then take a bath!

Now, if only there were a way to get us all in a cyber bathhouse... erm.... Never mind.

[CaptLex]

Hmmm . . . excellent responses here, and I don't want to repeat anything so I'll just add: sounds like you've got different questions/issues that have become entangled and mixed up together. So maybe your therapist can help you untangle them and deal with each one individually and this way some (or all) of the confusion can clear up. You're not alone - we all go through this kind of stuff, especially at your age, when we're all trying to figure out who we are and what we want. A hot bubble bath is definitely the way to go now. :hugs:

[pocoyo]

Hey, mate.
I have a feeling that all of us here have had these same thoughts/feelings/questions at some point, and will continue to do so. It's natural, and it's healthy. If we didn't question things, and just accepted everything blindly, we'd never end up being who we're supposed to be.

I know what you mean about wanting to be like the guys you fancy/like/respect-- I do that, too. In fact, sometimes I take it way farther than I should, to the point where I have no idea who I am anymore. I wonder whether I'm even still me, or if I've absorbed so much of someone else's personality that I'm turning into that other person. Thing of it is, though, I've come to realise, is that no matter who we pretend to be, or want to be, we're still just us. Because that acting, or pretending, or mimicking, whatever you want to call it, is a part of who we are. If I want to be like Hugh Laurie, then that's part of me.

I do find myself being attracted to guys who are similar to me. Not necessarily in looks, but in personality traits. People who have my same melancholy, yet somehow optimistic outlook on life. People who also like to punch walls when they're upset. People who prefer boots over trainers, and like to play piano until three in the morning. People who like the same books and music.
Even if I don't know these things at the time... Okay. Hard to explain. I usually start liking these people arbitrarily, and then find out that their personalities are like mine. I'm not changing my personality to be like theirs-- it already was. And I find some comfort in that, but with my obsessive nature, I take it a step further, and consciously (and unconsciously) adopt their mannerisms, speech patterns, etc.
Which I realise sounds a bit neurotic/insane.
But it's all part of trying to figure out who I am, and who I want to be, and who I should be.
At least, that's the way I rationalise it, haha!

Big hugs, bro. :hugs:

AWwwwwww thanks Benjo... that's all so reassuring...that everyone more or less has those thoughts/feelings.
And I forgot, you told me that once before when I was having one of these "wobbles" (about whatever you act like... it's still all part of you.. so it's still you)! That's so cool. *breathes a sigh of relief*
I do know that sometimes... then others I get all het up and worried & doubtful and silly!
Yeah you're right. Part of learning about ourselves.

Thanks so much *big bundley huggglleee & a slight noogie* :p

Das ... haha! Mmmmm mexican... aargh stop! I love mexican!
Methinks a cyber bathhouse is a very good idea! (Especially if it's rated 18)!

:D

[pocoyo]

Hmmm . . . excellent responses here, and I don't want to repeat anything so I'll just add: sounds like you've got different questions/issues that have become entangled and mixed up together. So maybe your therapist can help you untangle them and deal with each one individually and this way some (or all) of the confusion can clear up. You're not alone - we all go through this kind of stuff, especially at your age, when we're all trying to figure out who we are and what we want. A hot bubble bath is definitely the way to go now. :hugs:

Hi Cap!
Yeah they are excellent responses aren't they? :happy: awwww.

Yes thats so true.. and it's really spooky you say that because today my counsellor was putting them all in different "pots".... so we can look at all the issues and how they fit together/interact etc etc...like untangling them and treating them sort of thing.

Uh.. what sort of issues did you get from this thread then? Or did you just mean from what you know of me in general?

Thanks Cap :hugs:

I just had a nice shower!
Going to bed very soon. :yawn:

[Kieron Andrew]

Going to bed very soon. :yawn:
early night my foot! *looks at the clock* lol

[pocoyo]

early night my foot! *looks at the clock* lol

wull its earlier than last night haha! (much!)
and I am just doing a quick grocery shop.. then it's beddy byes like a good boy!

[CaptLex]

Uh.. what sort of issues did you get from this thread then? Or did you just mean from what you know of me in general?
Basically everything you listed in your first post in this thread - and stuff you've talked about before, you know . . . gender issues, sexuality issues, "do I want to be him or do him?" issues, etc. Lots to think about - easier if you take each one by one. :happy:

[kerrianna]

Some really good feedback here already. You guys iz smarties. :p


Why is being transgender so f*cking annoying and confusing?

Main Entry: trans-
Function: prefix
Etymology: Latin trans-, tra- across, beyond, through, so as to change, from trans across, beyond — more at through
1: on or to the other side of : across : beyond

Sounds like a recipe for confusion to me.


Obviously I am never completely certain, but lately have been considering the fact that I may well want to transition.

But then suddenly today, because of a few things (reading some posts and being thoughtful after talking) I am thinking...

I might "just" be a crossdresser.
I read some stuff by some mfts in the photo thing... and they were wishing to have physical attributes of a woman.. even though they aren't transexual... (or were they? They didn't specify actually now I come to think of it).

This seems to be an endless debate here - what qualifies as CD/TG/TS etc. It's quite possible some people here would be classified or self classify as something more than CD if they looked at it deeper. I never considered myself as possibly being anything other until lately. Once I started learning more I realized that I fit a lot of TG patterns, maybe not all, but enough to seriously consider referring to myself that way. I could just as easily have carried on as I was too. It IS confusing.


Maybe my sometimes (well every day actually) longing for the physical attributes of a man are just symptoms of crossdressing.
Not of being transexual.

Really, what diff does it make what the definition is? It's what you want and are prepared to do for yourself that matters. The only question is will transitioning make you a happier, better person? That, unfortunately my friend, may be something only known for sure by doing it. I know what you're looking for is some surety because it is a huge commitment. All I can say is keep working with your therapist, talk to others who have similar lives and if and when you do decide to take steps EMBRACE them fully and with conviction and love for yourself.


Yes I do yearn everyday to be a man. But maybe it's because I've never been able to FULLY experience that. Perhaps it's nothing to do with being "a boy with a girl's body".

Did I put that thought in your head? I was just talking about that the other day I think. The grass is greener kind of thing. It's a valid question - I think your therapist could help you work that one out. I know I'll be bringing it up whenever I get to working with my own issues.


And no I'm not saying this because I'm in denial (I don't think)... I'm just really confused and actually p*ssed off with the whole thing right now.

Good. Sometimes that emotion needs to expressed with this crap. It can be crap - it'd be so much easier just to get on with enjoying our day, yet something keeps bumping us off course. I feel kind of in the same space today, oddly enough.


And my bloody mum confuses me too.. she makes me doubt myself SO MUCH. About lots of stuff. Not just TG issues.

They learn that at The School for Mums. Mine went to the same school. :rolleyes: :love:


But in the case of me being TG it's probably a good thing that she "fights" against certain aspects of it.. but she really doesn't need to .. because I do that enough myself.

Yup. She's just being yur mum tho.


I am actually afraid that I'm making all this bullsh*t up somehow.

I think I told my therapist today the same kind of thing, kind of a passing remark (which she wrote down lol), but I know the feeling. Usually when I ask that question of myself I answer "Nah!" If we are making it up then we obviously have SOME kind of gender issues, unless for some stupid reason we think it's COOL to be TG or TS. And you and I both have read and talked to enough people struggling with this to know that it ain't really cool. Why would we WANT to be TG if we weren't?


Why was I just looking at pictures of Edward Furlong for ages... thinking/wondering how much I would resemble him if I transitioned. (Because I resemble him somewhat and I reckon his slightly more masculine features would be what I look like if I transition... well that sort of boy/man anyway).

But I wasn't sure if I wanted to be WITH him... or be LIKE him.
Or both....

Because I know I do look a bit like him... but I fancy him too.
Isn't that like... really weird? Self-love lol?

Which got me to thinking... that perhaps I am just crossdressing.. and trying to create a boy I'd like to be with... rather than a boy I'd like to be.

Hmmm, I used to think that my CDing was mainly because of self love and I wanted to have a hot sexy female me to be with! lol! :p And part of it still is I think. I don't care - it means I basically like myself and find myself sexy. :rolleyes: BUT that's a GOOD healthy thing! Everyone should feel that way about themselves (obviously not to the point of narcism) but you project that to others if you feel it. You KNOW you got it going on Pocs (we keep telling you too) - and that is part of your charm and charisma.

So again, that may be ONE of your motivations, or it could be a REALIZATION after the fact of recognizing that you are TG and wish to transition to male. Savvy? In other words, you are already going there in your mind and picking how you want to look and liking it. Obviously you're going to go for a look that is close to your orginal look and if you like someone's style why not borrow from it? We all do it. That's why stars are stars.



Which means I'm basically just a stupid, messed up GG (no I don't think that other people that do this are messed up btw).

WRONG DIAGNOSIS - DOES NOT COMPUTE. INVALID CRITICISM.


It also made me feel pathetic... seeing the more male person that looks like me. Compared my ridiculous feminine features (albeit clumsy ones).

Hmmm which leads me "nicely" on to...
I do have some gender/body dysphoria issues as well, and sexual issues.

But perhaps they are nothing to do with being trans and I am just trying to make it all fit together.

Sounds like a lot of the stuff I've read about being trans. Don't compare yourself to others either my friend. Always ends badly. Use them to inspire or motivate you, but you are a unique indvidual and well loved by those who know you.


I am confused and p*ssed off.

I keep thinking about what Lisa said about you awhile back:
"You think too much Angel"
:hugs: :love:




:angry:

poco yo (who/what ever the bloomin' eck that is!!!)
RrraaAAAAAARGH!!!!!

meh.

Ooo! That was kinda exciting hearing you roar like that. :battingeyelashes:
Well, let it go for tonight. Maybe a good sleep will make you feel better. Somedays you just have to get on with the day to day and leave the big stuff in the closet for the day. I know becuzz I saw my therapist today I'm kind of churned up too, so that's part of it.

Drink your Hot Pocolate...er chocolate and get yourself comfy and know that you're okay as you are and as you will be, because your heart is golden and your spirit bright, and you have guides on your journey who will help you along. :love:

[Kieron Andrew]

Geez! i love smart women! and you are one smart woman Kez!!!:heehee:

[CaptLex]

Geez! i love smart women! and you are one smart woman Kez!!!:heehee:
And she's so articulate too - expresses herself so well.

*wants hot pocolate* ;)

[pocoyo]

Ahh I get it Cap!


Awwwwwwwwwww Kerrriiiiaaannnnnnaaahhhh
omg lol!
You really are amazing sometimes.
The things I see you write to people... and when you have your own rubbish going on too... you just totally rock dudette.
I can't reply in detail now or anything because I really must go to bed but thank you so much for your lovliness!

Haha.. like Kieron said... "you are one smart woman Kez" !!!

Thank you :hugs: :love:

Your words are cool and calm and intelligent and chilled out and reassuring!
Funny too.. hahaha does not compute :p

Ok.. cool I will stop worrying about it... (har har easier said than done... but maybe possible!!) and even if at work tomorrow people call me a lady or whatever, I will (try) not let it get to me because they just don't know/get it!

:bighug:

[pocoyo]

And she's so articulate too - expresses herself so well.

*wants hot pocolate* ;)

Yus she's awesome.

Hehehe want hot pocolate eh? :p
:D :D

[Kieron Andrew]

*wants hot pocolate* ;)
me too!!:heehee:

[pocoyo]

..... :D ...... :o

hehehe night night... I am going to go and dream of you guys and "giving you hot pocolate" hahahaha don't hit me kieron.

Sleep well!

*hugs them all*

[Dasein9]

Geez! i love smart women! and you are one smart woman Kez!!!:heehee:



Me too.

Oh. My. God!
Kez just turned me straight. Hallelujah, I'm cured!

[Dasein9]

Hey! I didn't want to be cured!

[Kieron Andrew]

Hey! I didn't want to be cured!
huh?? :heehee:

[Laurie909]

poc,

You definitely need to lighten up on yourself. You may not have all the answers. In fact you may not have any answers, but at least you are working toward a goal. You're not sitting in your house saying "poor, poor pitiful me." Your getting counseling and questioning what or who you are....that's a long way toward coming up with those all important answers. Frankly, and I hope you don't mind my saying this, either way you go you've got a lot going for you as a good-looking man or woman!

Laurie.....

[kerrianna]

:blushing: Wow, do you guys ever know how to make a girl happy! :happy:

TY, you made my night. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

And I thought I was just being confusing. :heehee:
Oh, we of little self-esteem....:rolleyes:

[kerrianna]

Hey! I didn't want to be cured!

LOL!

We can cure your cureness, Das. :heehee:

[bi_weird]

Such interesting thoughts here. The whole thing has got me thinking. But what I want to say is that you guys are awesome, and I'm glad I can come here to such a wonderful community. I've had sorta a crap night and it's great to come here and be among friends.

[KrazyKat]

Poco, it is a lot to ponder, isn't it?

Could I share something I've learned about myself, in the last 2 years and finding this forum?

I've finally found peace within myself(52 yrs old), because I understand why I don't fit in with either side, or also can see both sides of gender's thinking. See, I'm a fence sitter, I'm like right in the middle. I wore woman's suits and heels to the office(cust service mgr), but always felt like it was a uniform. I would have been just as happy in a men's suit, if I had that "package". :thumbsup: Since I don't, and I can be whomever I feel like when I feel like it, I'm happy with what I have(plumbing wise). I really hate not being taken seriously in a man's world, the most. But I'm learning how to deal with this.

If you are thinking about presenting yourself male, and it's still a huge thingy, taking up a lot of brain energy, it probably always will be. So, just relax(easy for me to say, huh?) and do what you need to do, you know, to try it out and see if the "shoe fits", so to speak. You'll figure it out, and I've heard, you know, like uh, Rome wasn't built in a day or so!!:heehee:

Hope this helps, and give that cutey poochy a petting for me!!:hugs:

[kerrianna]

Such interesting thoughts here. The whole thing has got me thinking. But what I want to say is that you guys are awesome, and I'm glad I can come here to such a wonderful community. I've had sorta a crap night and it's great to come here and be among friends.

Hugggggssssss Bi! :hugs: :bighug:

I really liked your response earlier here and I've liked every thing you have to say. :hugs:

I was telling my therapist today that I've never met such an amazing family of people. If people like you are what it means to be TG or just TG Allied, I count myself lucky to be involved.

[Kate Simmons]

Poc, This is why it is so important to know before you make the change permanent and "do the deed" if it is indeed the right thing for you. This is also why it is important to live and work as the other sex for a time before final surgery. Once it's done, there is no turning back and you are stuck with whatever you have or don't have.
For years, I always hoped , wished and prayed I could be a woman and thought I wanted that so badly. Once I finally got the opportunity to try it 24/7 however, I said to myself:"Is this it?" It had become so routine for me and somewhat hum drum. I realized I would miss my guy self too much if I transitioned and decided I would never do it.
I decided that this is what keeps me going, working with aspects of both sides and keeps me young and active. All I ever got from worrying about it was getting headaches, white hairs and going bald. I realized it was much better to simply go with my feelings and just be myself, whoever I choose to be at the time. Now I'm happy to be myself and happy also I didn't take the irreversible step. Each person has to determine that for themself though. Some of us have to make the change and have no choice but some can manage just fine the way we are. We just have to find out for sure.:happy:

[Felix]

Hi Pocs, well I'm not gonna waffle on just take ya time hun there's no hurry and ya therapist will help ya sort all this out. Sometimes it all does my head in and then I tell myself to stand back and look at the big picture. I question everything usually until my head is about to explode. Then I say to myself Stop! Why cos I gotta get on with my life every day things and therefore I can't afford to let all this stuff take over my mind. So take it easy hun and go with the flow evrything happens for a reason, go with ya gut instinct cos usually it is right. I won't label ya hun at the end of the day only you know who and what you are deep down. Take care Pocs ya a cool dude whatever for me :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: xx Felix :hugs:

[false_dichotomy]

As has been said, I think everyone questions themselves to a certain extent about most any significant choice they have to make.

I had an IM conversation with a friend about similar stuff to what you said in the first post, except I was rambling more about my uncertainties in how far I want the physical aspects of my transition to go. She replied:

i really think every transgendered person goes through something similar to this. this stuff is confusing--it would be to anyone. and it involves major changes in your body so no wonder you have mixed feelings. people have mixed feelings about what style of clothes they like or even whether to get body-altering procedures for medical reasons so i think its completely normal to feel confounded and out of sorts.

But yeah, a lot of my personal questioning about whether my transgender-ness is "real" comes from having suffered sexual abuse... as in, do I really want to be a MAN, or am I just afraid that being a woman marks me as a potential victim? Do I fail to identify with those parts because I'm simply not "mentally female" or whatever it is, or because someone used them to hurt me? Et cetera. But in the end, I came to the conclusion that, even if that is the case, if physical transitioning is what it takes to help me heal, isn't that enough of a reason? Like, who cares where it all came from; I have to deal with these feelings either way. Those are my (less-than-) brief thoughts on ths subject.

-Neil

[kerrianna]

But in the end, I came to the conclusion that, even if that is the case, if physical transitioning is what it takes to help me heal, isn't that enough of a reason? Like, who cares where it all came from; I have to deal with these feelings either way. Those are my (less-than-) brief thoughts on ths subject.

-Neil

Well put Neil. I was thinking exactly the same kind of thing earlier today (not the particulars, but about the whole where to go from here thing). Like you said, who cares where it all came from if you know it's where you need to be going to become a healthier, better you?
:hugs:

[pocoyo]

AWwww thanks for all your awesome answers.
They are really lovely, and really helpful.

Thanks so much everyone. :hugs: :love:
You all helped make me smile and feel a lot more relaxed & chilled out about it again. I really really appreciate it big time.

And welcome to the forum Neil!! Nice to see another ftm :D
You make some very good & reassuring/calming points there, thank you!
Oooh...yeah.... I have wondered that before too.. does it really matter the reasons, it just is. Sort of thing.

[MJ]

poc
i feel for you.. try and think of it like this you have windows operating system "the guy" and Linux system "the girl" now try and run them at the same time !!!!!!!!!!
what do you get , you get me and i think you feel the same way..
you know i go for my letter next Thursday for surgery :eek: and i still deal with this stuff and damn i went on hrt and blew out my boys and i still am not 100% i will never be 100%
poc it's not fare this mess in my head will never sort it self out and i think you have to find a balance and go with it
it's the unknown path we travel for me i set full sails and caution to the wind i can't turn back but i don't know were i will end up . i guess i will find out when i get there,
one thing for sure this gender identity issue will never go away unless i can erase my male programing ? but would it change who i am or should be
get a notebook and write down your issues then answer them one at a time then you know you have dealt with them whats left is your fear of the unknown welcome to my world..

poc i feel your pain i relay do , a question do you sometimes cry yourself to sleep over this ? i do .but then there are days or even weeks when the fog clears and all is well . but the fog comes back and we have to deal with it all over again cheer up god speed and lets get our happy poc back
hugs marissa