It's been awhile but I need advice

[SherryLynn GG]

ok obviously my husband is a CD or I wouldnt be here, I total accept him and I have no problem with his CDing except for....

He says he feels like something is missing. He can pretty much dress anytime he wants to, granted he does work 5 days a week, so by anytime I mean on his time off. I have no problem with him dressing as long as it doesnt interfere with something we've already planned on doing.

Typically when he dresses I have nothing to do with it, i'll surf the net or watch a movie while he showers and becomes Paige. After he's dressed he'll ask how she looks and I give compliments, we take a few pics and then he gets online and chats or surfs the net while I watch a movie or whatever.

We do not do anything sexual when he's dressed, it just seems to bother me and im not sure why. I have no problem sleeping in the same bed with him dressed, I just cant seem to do anything sexual. Now I used to, I didnt have any problem with it, but I dont know what changed.

Anyway back to him saying something is missing, he said he wishes I would be more involved. Not just sexual either, involved in helping him dress etc. And I want to be.

He's offered to stop CDing, but we both know it's not gonna change anything, he's still gonna want to do it. Im not asking him to change for me, I would never do that.

I think my biggest problem is he wants me to be the dominate one in the relationship, not always mind you, just when he's paige. I have a major shyness about me. I can talk about things i'd like to do while he's dressed and such but when it comes down to it I cant do it. I think im also worried "OMG what if someone finds out" Which I know I know its our bedroom who cares what anyone else thinks.

I guess im asking for advice on baby steps that I could offer him to help him with whats missing. We talk openly about the CDing, but he just gets frustrated thinking that he's forcing me to do something I dont want to do which isnt true at all. So I figure if I can get some advice maybe I can surprise him and help him with whats missing when he's Paige and so he doesnt feel like when he dresses he's here alone.

I know ive rambled and I hope I made sense lol :) Thanks in advance for any advice offered

[DAVIDA]

What a loving and caring wife you are! I dont have much wisdom when it comes to giving advice. All I can tell you is that one of my favorite things to do with Jean is to go shopping!
I am shure that you will come up with a solution, and wish you the very best!
Love, DAVIDA

[SherryLynn GG]

You know I find it funny that so many people have looked at this but dont respond..Im sure if I was complaining about his CDing and saying it needed to stop there would be responses out the wazoo.

I just wanna say thank you to Davida...Some can actually appreciate a wife trying to help her CD Hubby

[marie354]

How about offering to do her hair or makeup. I love it when my SO rolls my hair and later she'll brush it out and make me feel "purtiful".
I'm not sure what you are comfortable with but I like "girl-talk" too.
When my SO sees a nice outfit on the internet... "Look at this Sam..." (She doesn't usually call me Sandy, but that's ok with me, I don't mind.)
I'll give my opinion on it and maybe ask if it's available in my size if I like it as well. I'll do the same thing too and she'll look at what I have found as well.
We get loads of catalogs and she even points out some things that I might like sometimes.
Maybe it's just normal every day conversation that's fun.... "When I was a little girl, we liked to..."

[SherryLynn GG]

She would love for me to do her hair and makeup, this is what I wanna do for her

Hubby works nights so he gets home around midnight, but we are night owls so thats no biggy anyway...

I wanna have clothes laid out and a bath ready for when she gets home, tell her to get undressed and go take a bath. After the bath, I wanna do her makeup and fix up her hair.

Then maybe go for a drive around town for a lil bit, it'll be late so we wouldnt stay out long. Then come back to the house and **won't share this part, but you get the idea** let her sleep as Paige then wake up Saturday, take another shower and redo the makeup and hair and let her spend all day as Paige. maybe watch some girly movies (I find this is the only time my husband will watch The Notebook ha ha) then that evening go out and grab some drive thru food or something (its a small town and he's not wanting to go out enfemme around here, only in the car and at night). then come back home and **same as the night before** lol I would share the dirty details but I dont know what this board allows. Let's just say I have the toys to make my Paige feel like a man is somewhat in the bed with her :)
Then let her sleep as Paige again, wake up Sunday and take everything off and go about our normal Sunday lounge around the house.

Thats what I want to do, but hubby says i'll never do it because im not dominate enough to tell him/her what to do...*sigh* what will I ever do!! lol

[Di]

Thats what I want to do, but hubby says i'll never do it because im not dominate enough to tell him/her what to do...*sigh* what will I ever do!! (SherryLynn GG)



Well I guess since she wants you to dominate her....THEN ...TELL HER THIS IS WHAT WE ARE DOING......end of story.........

hope it works...have fun

[celtic.blue.eyes]

Paige is a very lucky person! Keep up the good work.
Without knowing more, I would say that taking him shopping was a great suggestion. Pick something out for him, and help him coordinate his wardrobe. You want to try to find what is "missing", and that would be a good start.

Another thing you may try is helping him develop his fem side. IMHO, most CD's can never feel feminine enough. Try helping with his mannerisms, walk, makeup or ask him to help in the kitchen or help with the housework when he is Paige. It's also possible that Paige is looking for a girlfriend to hang out with. CD's are generally alone when they are dressed, unless they are out of the closet. I'm not saying that this is what he wants, but try things out and play it by ear. Maybe you will both discover what is "missing".

[newtothis8767]

Sorry i dont know what you should do but you are a wonderful women and i wish there were more of you out there. Try to shop for your husband just an idea

[Bobbi Lynn]

What newtothis said! Wish I could give you some advice, but???

[Stephenie S]

Dear Sherrylynn,

Two things stand out when I read your post.

He seems to want your help in "dressing", and he seems to want to engage in a dominate, submissive relationship when dressed. To my mind these are two separate issues.

1.) He needs to learn to dress himself. Adults do this every day. We do not normally assist each other in dressing. I too would feel uncomfortable if my wife asked me to help her get dressed, and I do not expect her to help me get dressed. I want to do this myself. As do you, I'm sure. Learning how to dress yourself is part of growing up. You are not his mother and he is not three. I would not feel bad about insisting that he learn to dress himself. Makeup and hair included. This will increase his self confidence greatly. Of course it's nice to have someone else dress you, but unless you are three, or very, very wealthy, it's demeaning.

2.) The dom, sub thing. This can be a LOT of fun. But only if you are into it. It's NOT something that he can demand of you. That negates the whole idea. It is impossible for a submissive to insist that he (or she) be dominated. Do you see the contradiction here? It's sometimes called topping from the bottom.

How do you feel about this. Could you get off on it? If you think you would like to, sit down and have a real talk about what he wants and expects of you. There is no other way. This is a good way to start, BTW. You could REQUIRE him to write a letter detailing to you how he would like to be treated when dressed and HUMBLY requesting that you consider his unworthy request. Take it from there yourself. Or spend some time on the internet together. There is an enormous amount of info out there on the dominate, submissive lifestyle. Go slowly and learn what you are doing and you can REALLY have fun with this. It's a complete reversal of roles for most men.

Lovies,
Steph

[DonnaT]

Right now the main problem, IMHO, is Paige is dominating from the bottom. If she wants you to be the dominate one, then isn't it your decision on when and how you do that?

Maybe if Paige can let it go for a while, then you can work out a scenerio of domination you'll feel comfotable with.

So, maybe your first step at domination is telling her that you'll be making the decision, and the longer she nags about it, the longer it will be for you to decide what to do.

[NylonMan]

Hi, My wife is the same. I would love her to dominate, and initiate more, but that is not going to happen, she is not like that. However, when she is "In the Mood" if you know what I mean, then everything goes, and she is fine. Dominating like crazy. But this does not happen until later on, after some playing, started by me.

Maybe you are the same? If yes, then you have to treat everything as a fullfilling his fantasy, going along with it until you are in the mood, then both of you will have a great time.

Am I making sense?

[Holly]

SherryLynn, it sounds to me like you have a plan in mind already. Having an outfit all laid out when Paige gets home from work, the bath, chatting away while doing hair and makeup, I'm sure Paige would be overjoyed. And then to repeat it on Saturday, watching movies, sharing meals. Why I bet you could even get Paige to do some housework. If you're really adventureous, maybe take her shopping the next town over. Don't ask Paige, just have everything ready to go and don't take no for an answer (not that I think that there will be any objection). Have fun!

[PrincessBelle1959]

Well SherryLynn, this is another vote for "go for it". Carry out your plan and like Holly said...don't take no for an answer. I have a feeling Paige will go wild..lol. I know I would!!

[DawnL]

This sounds amazing. I know I would love for that to happen to me. Go for it!!!

[Girlieboy]

SherryLynn, clearly you are the most wonderful wife!! A treasure, indeed!! I agree fully with Holly's comments. Love to you both.


:hugs:

Diane

XX

[Satrana]

This may sound silly, but it sounds like both of you are trying too hard to be considerate of each other's feelings, the end result being that neither of you can step forward and take control so no progress gets made. In other words both of you want to be submissive at the same time.

One one to get out of this rut is to agree to take turns on who takes control each night. By simply alternating this, you no longer have to negotiate who does what and when.

My other comment is that there is a lack of normalcy about the whole proceedings, in that Paige's crossdressing is seen as an event in itself. I think that is putting too much focus on it. I think it would be great if you guys could find more normal things to do socially. In other words let your SO decide what he wants to wear and then go out for a dinner, go to the cinema, go for a walk etc. I dont know how possible that is for you right now but I think that would be better than just staying at home. I suspect that Paige is getting bored with the current arrangement and wants some excitement. Are you not bored also?

Hope that helps. Otherwise you sound like a great couple.:love:

[Suzie S.]

SherryLynn, I think you are already on to something here. Your ideas are wonderful! The girls here have some good ideas too. Just BE the dominant one. Take it slow, don't do everything at once though. See how your hubby reacts. I know I enjoy having my nails painted and makeup done by me wife. It's a really special feeling. You are a true saint for wanting this for your hubby! I wish you the best! :hugs:

[racquel]

I think you should start with "inviting" paige to get up early on sat,get dressed,cook and bring you your breakfast in bed and get busy with the house work.During the day you could supervise the quality and playfully extend the possibility that in a few weeks if she is good, and continues to please you, then the rewards you spoke of would be fitting.
I think the 'topping' from the bottom would only get more demanding if you do not exert the control paige desperately seeks, from the onset.:2c:

[RachelDenise]

I think your plan sounds good. Being submissive myself, I think it would be fine. Don't take no for an answer and give her a little attitude. All this if you have he type of relationship where one or both are secure in each other's control.

[CharlaineCadence]

ok i know it sound silly but it works. you want to partisipate more and help. one of the bigest things you could do is plan an old fasioned slumber party with your so. just like when you where young. think about it you can both shar thing with each other makup, nails, hair, clothes, ect.

Take your time you do not need to beat your self up. just take your time. every little step will help you both grow. you might think of planning a little get away where he could dress all week end and go out if that is what he likes. just take you time and work with it.

as for the being the one in charge if it is not something you are comfortable explain that to him you both need a open and fair line of communication with each other. comprmise.

[pedebra]

You could try to lay out something that you would like to see her wear. Perhaps you might buy her something sexy that you would like to see her to wear if you were a male. I'm sure you have already done that in the past when buying something for yourself.
Ultimately though, the answer is in your fourth paragraph. Something has changed but you don't know what. Is there something in your feelings about where this CDing is going? I think that you have to figure out what has changed before you can make much progress.
Debra

[SherryLynn GG]

I would like to think everyone of you for answering my post youve really helped me alot.

As far as going out to the movies or something while he's dressed, that isnt possible...I used to work for one of the biggest customer service companies around here so almost everytime I go anywhere within a 50 mile radius of our house i see somebody that I used to work with or that I went to school with. Small town areas suck :) lol

And as far as whats changed to cause my feelings, I think it has to do with me more than the dressing...Bet thats a first huh, the wife taking blame for the problem lol No honestly i've been losing weight myself and about the time I started feeling different was the same time I started gaining instead of losing. I had low self esteem, didnt want anything to do with anything pretty much. Therefore I had no confidence and lacking that really hurts in being dominate in the bedroom. But now ive lost 20lbs since the first of the year and ive realized that my weight isnt who I am, so its all good now.

Oh and the person who said their wife gets dominate after she gets going Im the exact same way!!

I really want to do this for my husband, I love him more than anything. Not to mention I really do enjoy being with him. I like the fact that at any given moment I can be with another woman if I feel the desire to be and in no way am i cheating on our marriage. Ah life is good!

So thanks again ladies for all the advice and suggestions! Im sure Paige will enjoy whatever I plan. :)

[MsJanessa]

He wants you to be the Dominant one when he's dressed but you feel too shy and/or uncomfortable with that role? Just remember it's really make believe---in My real life I'm not a dominant or aggressive person---really average, considerate, described by some as sweet girl or nice guy--but when I'm dressed in femme leathers I become the Queen Bitch of the Universe---just think of yourself as kind of lucky---you have a lover who you can command to do your every whim---first the key is dressing the part---you don't have to invest in an expensive leather outfit(although it is nice) black thigh high stockings, with high heeled pumps, a waist nipper and bra(black) or a corset will do---I like to add the extra touch of black opera length gloves---put on a little extra eyeliner, eye shadow and lipstick and lipliner and, voila, instant Dominatrix---oh and you can buy a riding crop for about 10 bucks at a local tack shop----not for hitting him with but as a prop to direct him on what to do. Then when he gets"dressed" you do too--then suprise him-if you would like a private message from me detailing exactly what to do for the "scene" let me know privately. I'm tempted to describe it here but don't want to offend the less adventurous T-Girls or GGs who view this site--the most important thing to remember is that "topping" your lover is something you can learn how to do---once most people try it, they really enjoy it--Good luck

[julia-cd]

Hi SherryLynn

I don't know if I can offer any advice but you seem like a great couple and appear to be in a very similar situation to me and my wife.

We also can talk openly about my CDing but I too sometimes feel I am forcing her to do things she may not be happy with even though she says everything is fine. I am sure that this is more to do with me and my own insecurities rather than her though.

Like you she is shy when it comes to being the dominate one in our relationship. All I can do is explain to her what I mean when I ask her to dominate me and encourage her to not feel daft or silly when she does. It is not always about sex at the end of the day, most of the time it about being able to release the need to take the lead in everything. Where we go, what we do that kind of thing. I love it when she gets up in the morning and announces that "Today is going to be a shopping day" (or something) and then gives me a list of things that we are going to do.

One thing she has done though (even though it has only been a very short while since I confessed to her about my CDing) is become involved with my dressing. We go and buy clothes, make-up etc together. She gives me tips on what to wear with what etc which I find great. Maybe this is what he means by "something missing". I don't know but I know it works for us.

It sounds like you have a few ideas already, all I can say is "Go for it".

Love Angie

[TxKimberly]

Well, I'm getting ready for work and so don't have the time to read all of the answers others have posted, so I hope I'm not going to duplicate three of them!
Something's missing - I might have a clue. I could be 100% wrong but I'll throw it out there anyway. Something most of us want to do, is to be outside, in the real world as female. Sitting around the house, especially with someone you love and can talk to is a wonderful and worthwhile thing, but it's a little like being in jail - you "can't" go outside. You read it over and over here, and I myself have done it when young, where we sneak the door open, peak outside, take two or three steps down the sidewalk, then run like hell if someone is coming. It might just be that she wants to do more than sit in the house.
There are a few options. The dress and drive is a good one assuming you have a reliable car and can get out of the drive way with out being made by the neighbors! :-) Your moving at 60 MPH so you don't have to worry about being 100% passable. There are also a number of clubs in most areas that are friendly.
The bad news from your perspective is that it is addictive. Once you start spending time out in the real world, sitting around the house dressed just isn't going to cut it anymore, so if you open that door be prepared.
Kim ( or Matt, what ever the hell my name is!)

[Tree GG]

...He says he feels like something is missing. ...
Typically when he dresses I have nothing to do with it, i'll surf the net or watch a movie while he showers and becomes Paige. After he's dressed he'll ask how she looks and I give compliments, we take a few pics and then he gets online and chats or surfs the net while I watch a movie or whatever....
...Anyway back to him saying something is missing, he said he wishes I would be more involved. Not just sexual either, involved in helping him dress etc. And I want to be.
...I think my biggest problem is he wants me to be the dominate one in the relationship, not always mind you, just when he's paige. ...

How to interact with them dressed, that is the question. Think how long it took when you were dating to become comfortable around each other. Even though he's still the same guy underneath, Paige & you are building a new relationship. That just takes time and practice.


This may sound silly, but it sounds like both of you are trying too hard to be considerate of each other's feelings, the end result being that neither of you can step forward and take control so no progress gets made....

That pretty much sums up the general tone of most "Me & Darlene" time.


... I think it has to do with me more than the dressing...

Any GG who says some of the issues are not because of her own insecurities and anxieties is dillusional. Takes 2 to make a relationship & 2 to make a fight.

I completely understand your concerns, SherryLynn. It's really pretty boring to be the chauffeur & photographer. We just don't get the same "thrill" from it as they do. It's foreign to us with no script or guide book. They are still somewhat embarassed and self-conscious around us for obvious reasons and quite frankly you just can't pounce on them 'cause it ruins the hair & makeup that took 3 hours to apply. What's a girl to do with a high-maintenance gurl? Out of town trips are good, but get expensive after awhile.

As far as dom/sub, you have to be comfortable either way and as GG, some days we're just not in to make-believe. On the days you are - go for it!

Sorry I don't have any clear answers, and if you find them, please share :D

[JenniferMBlack]

Sherylynn the best advice I can give from what I have read is start slow. Have her do off the wall chores or some thing to start. Or tell her sit with you and watch the movie even if she don't like it. If he is normally the domanate one then just start by reverseing the small things you do and work into it is what I am saying worked for me and my SO might work for you. Other then that. I wish you luck and he/she is lucky to have you.

[ubokvt]

the frist thing to do is to find out what he means by "missing" you don't know. So begin, find a place were you're both comfortable, and intimate, and Find out what he thinks is missing.
I have a wonderfully supportive SO who shares this with me fully. And still at times something is missing, in most cases its connection and the ability to share it fully. To address this we sometimes in Drab just sharethe fourm and chats and emails. She sit with me and we read and discuss togather, we have made friends, Also CDers and go out togather, sometimes we have to travel several hours for it but boy is Dinner out in the real world with accepting supportive others worth it. We go to CD events togather, and have makeovers and pics togather. As mentioned in another post it is addictive. But your out there, you are yourself, you're whole, accepted, having fun without constraints.
Dom/sub With this, talk, get clear, what is he looking for, is it to be dominated ,or to be able to let go some times, and not be responsible. Would you quilify your "normal hetro" relationship with "Hin" as dom/sub. Maybe he just want to be where you are sometimes. A more equal relationship, for both of you. We are all human, we all have the same qualities and strengths in us, it just in certian situations we've repressed those feelings and actions because they were not socially proscribed or acceptable and for some might be unsafe. IE. girls don't ask boys out, girls don't initiate kisses, good girls don't... and men are sexually agressive, men are in charge, its all Bull we are people with fellings and a desire to express and experience those fellings
So if you want to try being bigger in the relationship Talk with him about it. Tell him you don't know how, tell him you are just learning and its going to take time, weeks, months, years, you don't know exactly what it will look like but it will be truly you, the parts you stuffed. That if he wants something like that he has to adapt to that part of you as it develops and grows and like a woman he will have to wait paitently on you as you grow. Also ask him to be aware of himself as he grows into this.
My So and I are doing this we are three years into it and it is freeing, unbelieveably rewarding, we understand each other better, and we have a much more equal relationship. She and I have a greater range of expression allowing us to be true to where we are at that moment.
But begin by talking getting clear with each other and then stay engaged every day. Accept dressing as a normal every day part of you relationship as it is with him, just like his job and don't put it in a box and treat it as differnt or a "Special" thing, its not.

[Casey Morgan]

Thats what I want to do, but hubby says i'll never do it because im not dominate enough to tell him/her what to do...*sigh* what will I ever do!! lol

Would you mind if I mentally whap him upside the head? On the one hand he's encouraging you to do something different, but then he tells you that you'll never do it. I know when people give me mixed messages like that I get confused and end up not doing anything. Does he give you any other mixed messages?

The first thing I would do is tell him to stop sending mixed messages. Until he changes his tune, it looks like it's up to you to say "yes I can". And I believe you can. You've got something you'd like to do. Give yourself a good pep talk, tell yourself you can do it, and do it.

[johnnaisacd]

Domination can be lots of fun. My wife and I switch from dom to sub, I think I prefer being the dom thou. The mostinportant thing to remember is < Its roll playing.

[BobbieCD1944]

I think my biggest problem is he wants me to be the dominate one in the relationship, not always mind you, just when he's paige. I have a major shyness about me. I can talk about things i'd like to do while he's dressed and such but when it comes down to it I cant do it. I think im also worried "OMG what if someone finds out" Which I know I know its our bedroom who cares what anyone else thinks.

You might consider reading "The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Handbook for Nervous Beginners" by Lady Green. Available at Greenery Press on line. It's a 'light' read. It's helped many couples I know learn how to bring some "play acting" D/S into their relationship.FTR, I have no financial interest in Greenery Press, but I've known Janet Hardy for years, and the company is reputable.

[lucytv2003]

That's a difficult dilemma. The problem is that we live in a society that hates this sort of thing, and there's no real rational reason for it, so plenty of people go against the grain and dress as they want, your hubby being one of them.

My advice is to help him get over that horrible shamefulness. Society is weird about something that is just another facet of your husband's personality, and can be a fun, sexy thing which is completely cool and in no way a problem. The only problem is the dickheads who will hassle you about it, but they are not freethinkers and will never understand this, so worry not about them. Just make sure you don't have to go to places they are, which is lots of places really.

That might seem a bit unreal but if you think about it objectively, there is nothing wrong with taking on other gender roles, so long as you are a decent, educated, moral person. Anyone who says differently is a moron, but many crossdressers understandably still feel shame. The key is getting rid of that shame, and if your husband likes to be dominated when he's dressed, indulge him or let him at least fantasise about it, he won't mind if he's not ashamed of himself.