When's a good time???

[anemone]

I've been in a relationship with a young lady for the past few months, unfortunately she knows nothing about my closeted behavior. I feel I lost my soul mate due to my dishonesty with cding once before. I do not want to hurt her and at the same time want to avoid rejection once again, do any of you have suggestions. I feel our relationship can't be complete unless she really knows about me.

thanks

[Lovely Rita]

It is a difficult position to be in. I hope you will some day find the right time and things will work out.
Perhaps some braver souls will shed better light on the subject. I can not advise on this one since only you will deal with the consequences or the benefits.

[Stephenie S]

By all means when you think the relationship is going somewhere. In a casual relationship there is no need to bring this up, but if you are both getting serious you have GOT to say something.

Lovies,
Steph

[Alice Torn]

I know, that if the lovely lady, I would like to be in growing relationship with, wanted me, like I want her, I would be willing to sacrifice cding, rather than lose her.

[DonnaT]

By all means when you think the relationship is going somewhere. In a casual relationship there is no need to bring this up, but if you are both getting serious you have GOT to say something.

Lovies,
Steph

Yep, I agree.

It may end the relationship, but why fool yourself by avoiding the disclosure. If she can't cope with it, then it's best to end it, which gives you more time to find another love interest that may be accepting. And gives her time to find someone else as well, before that someone else is taken by another.

[anemone]

I know, that if the lovely lady, I would like to be in growing relationship with, wanted me, like I want her, I would be willing to sacrifice cding, rather than lose her.

From past experience it's easier said than done, I remember tossing everything I had a few years ago when I got really serious with someone. Two weeks after she moved in I was trying on her clothes when she wasn't around. A year later she surprised me and I her and that was the end of that :(

[Deborah_UK]

You need to tell her sooner rather than later. I made a promise to myself that after my divorce I would be as upfront as I could be - that didn't mean telling someone on the first date, but as soon as possible, when you feel a relationship might be going somewhere.

I've lost relationships because of it but before anyone could get too hurt. It still hurt at times (for both of us) but if you've got the opportunity early in a relationship, then tell.

You never know, she may encourage you - think of what you might miss by not telling!

Facing rejection is not nice - but better be rejected now than further down the line when there may even be children to hurt as well.

[sparks]

My wife told me that if I had been honest from the beginning she may have been more supportive. She still after eight years resents the fact that I waited until kids were involved and there was no alternative but for her to stay.

So in other words take a deep breath and start planning to tell her.

[Holly]

When's a good time? There's no time like the present. If this is a relationship you want to pursue and you believe it is becoming serious; if you truly believe that you lost your soul mate before by not disclosing your CDing; if you believe that trust and honesty are pillars of a sound relationship, then you have little choice... and the sooner the better. It would be easier on both parties to find out CDing is a deal breaker early on than later in the relationship. Best wishes to you both,

[Di]

As soon as you see the relationship getting serious. Best Wishes.

[DawnL]

you can't build a relationship without openness and honesty. When I just had the talk with my 2nd wife last week I did it because I felt she "had" to know. The dishonesty will kill a relationship faster than crossdressing.

Good Luck!

[Sandra]

If things are getting serious then tell her now don't leave it.

[racquel]

Today.:hugs:

[RachelDenise]

Like most have said, if the relationship seems to be going forward and you feel that it is bloosoming, then tell her. She may get out or she may stay. Impossible to tell. But tell her you must. Certainly if you want this part of you in your life, you'd better tell.

[susie evans]

i agree with holly and dii honesty is allways the best :hugs:

susie

[julia-cd]

Hi Anemone

I would say there is never a "good" time to come out about something like this but I wish I told my wife much earlier. It took me over 20 years to open-up to her and I regret everyday that I kept it from her.

It is sometimes very hard to admit something like this, but honesty is always the best policy and if you are serious about her, she should know.

Love Angie

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

better sooner than later. @ least then you have told her, theres no secrects & she may just even surprise you !!

[marie354]

If I were that lucky lady and and found out on my own, I'd be hurt that you felt that you couldn't trust me with such an intimate part of you.

It's always best to tell her ASAP. There's only two possible outcomes... she'll either slap you and leave, (maybe not immediately), or embrace and love you more for trusting her with that special part of you.

Anyway, wouldn't you like to know how she felt about it? You'll never find that life-long partner by hiding something or lieing to her. Women respect trust & respect more than anything. At least the ones that I've known anyway.

[JenniferMBlack]

Though it won't be easy never is. Best to tell her ASAP then to wait. If it is meant to be then it will work out I just went through this with my girlfriend only a few months ago so I know how hard it is with the memory fresh in my head. Luckaly she is cool with it and we are still together but I couldn't keep it from her any longer.

[Casey Morgan]

I do not want to hurt her and at the same time want to avoid rejection once again

Yeah, rejection can be painful. But if you respect her, this is the time to tell her. This may sound like semantics, but the hurt would come from breaking up, not from you telling her you crossdress. Sometimes people get close and then realize that it's just not going to work. Feeling bad that she's hurt is OK, but it wouldn't be your fault that she's hurt. Just like it wouldn't be her fault you're hurt if she tells you something that makes you realize the relationship isn't going to work. So respect her enough to tell her so she can decide for herself if this is something she can deal with. It's a risk, but considering that the alternative is to essentially lie to her and cause trust issues, it's a risk you have to take.

[tinasim]

I agree with those who said as soon as the relationship starts to get serious. I would first try to find out how she feels about these things through good, easy first steps (such as watching a film like "Transamerica" together or some other method). Then use your judgment as to how you proceed.


I know, that if the lovely lady, I would like to be in growing relationship with, wanted me, like I want her, I would be willing to sacrifice cding, rather than lose her.

This is where I paraphrase Mark Twain: "Stopping dressing is easy. I've done it lots of times!"

I tried so many times in the name of love. I'm now accepting that I will always be at least dressing, and I had to give my wife the option of accepting or rejecting me as this way. Not a good situation to be in, but if I had not fooled myself into thinking I could quit I could have saved her a lot of pain. Lucky for me she loves me so much she wants to help me with it, and she sees the pain and lonliness that I had hiding it from her.

[Glamourgirl GG]

I agree with telling her now. I also agree with what sparks and marie said. Angry that my husband waited until after kids were in our life to tell me and also felt deeply saddened that he didn't trust me enough to tell me sooner.

[Cynthia_0101]

Better to get it out into the open, I told my wife 3 months after we started dating. It was a little hard for her to accept but 10 years later we are still together.

[btmgrl6]

Tell her now....and avoid either of you possibly getting hurt later. Honesty is always the best policy...always!

[Joy Carter]

I'm still feeling resentment from her. Even though she denies it. I just can't understand why her secret is forgotten and mine stays out in front. I feel she thinks her little revelation was nothing compared to mine. Just feel like she can't see all the blessings this marriage has brought into our lives. Sorry, just rambling on here.

anemon, do you understand now how destructive this can be ?

[Cheyenne Skye]

I concur with the others, the sooner the better. After I had been dating my wife for a couple weeks she came over to my apartment one night and noticed the closet door was open and there were women's clothes in it. She asked why I was still holding on to my ex-wifes clothes after being separated for two years. It was then that I confessed to her that were in fact MY clothes. Now here we are over ten years later, still together. She still has some days where she doesn't want to deal with my crossdressing but for the most part she understands that it is part of who I am and that it will never stop.

[RobertaFermina]

I can't tell you when, but I can give you some food for thought !


Not telling her *IS* rejection...of an honest and open relationship.

Since you do fear rejection and emotional "harm" to her....

If you are waiting until she is too deeply invested in you to *go away* should she be repulsed, then waiting is logical. It might be a teeny bit manipulative, however.

Delaying the day will amplify any emotional harm that may come to her,.

Of course if you feared exposure, don't tell her until you know she's not the type to *tell the world*. If she is that type, time to move on.


:rose: Ethicure? :rose: