Found out about a coworker.

[tommi]

While at work ,coworkers were talking about another coworker who one of
them had seen dressed and out. This has not gone over very well in this circle:(
He is going to take alot of abuse I'm afraid, it just shows how sad society is.

[Sharon]

I hope you made some attempt to defend him or tell the co-workers that what someone chooses to do outside the premises is none of their business. You don't necessarily out yourself by doing so.

[Di]

I hope you made some attempt to defend him or tell the co-workers that what someone chooses to do outside the premises is none of their business. You don't necessarily out yourself by doing so.

Thank you Sharon...well put :iagree:

[Daintre]

I agree with Sharon as well, you do have an opportunity here to make his situation a bit easier.

[Wendy me]

Sharon is so right ..... if we ever want people to accept something outside of their comfort zone or something they don't understand then stopping the schoolyard games of bashing and trashing any one different than them has to stop ..... a simple thing as one person speaking up is all it takes ..... don't forget one day it may be you this little schoolyard group is bashing and trashing.....

[Joy Carter]

But are they so sure ?

[Casey Morgan]

Addmy voice to the "I agree"s Tommi. Rather than just commenting on how sad society is, take the time to help make it better.

[tommi]

Truly I was shocked to find out and really wonder if they were joking or not.
After a day to think about the situation I realize I should do something but I
do not want to out myself in the process.:(
One of the guys said there is no way he could change with him in the room
that was followed up by you've changed in the same room for ten years
and he has never even offered to grab your butt,so there is a little bit of tolerance here.

[Sharon]

Truly I was shocked to find out and really wonder if they were joking or not.
After a day to think about the situation I realize I should do something but I
do not want to out myself in the process.:(

I would say something such as, "I like (co-worker's name) and I don't care how he spends his time as long as he does his job."

Small minded people might then try to turn the topic to you and why you are defending him, but all you need to reply is "because it's the right thing to do."

Wouldn't you want someone to do the same for you?

[tommi]

I would say something such as, "I like (co-worker's name) and I don't care how he spends his time as long as he does his job."

Small minded people might then try to turn the topic to you and why you are defending him, but all you need to reply is "because it's the right thing to do."

Wouldn't you want someone to do the same for you?

Thanks Sharon that sounds like a good way to approch it.

[Karren H]

Guess your lucky you don't work in a tar and feather factory....

"There he goes.... Get him!!! "

Think I'd go talk to the guy and give him a heads up on what you heard... Without tipping him off to your situation.. He may be able to do some damage control... And you might be able to help him with that... Just an idea..

Karren

[tommi]

Guess your lucky you don't work in a tar and feather factory....

"There he goes.... Get him!!! "

Think I'd go talk to the guy and give him a heads up on what you heard... Without tipping him off to your situation.. He may be able to do some damage control... And you might be able to help him with that... Just an idea..

Karren

Unfortunately he was seen coming out of the ladies room at a local resturant
enfemme, so damage is done, what I don't know is if he realizes he was seen.

[Brianna Lovely]

Hmm, maybe you should have asked them if "she" looked good, giggle.

As a side note, I was in a discount store, earlier this week. After browsing s while and picking up a couple of skirts and a top, a younger man, a SA, came up to me and asked if I was finding every thing ok. I said yes and he said, that's a nice blouse. I held it up in front of me and said, yes, it will look good on me.
He stepped closer and whispered, I used to dress too. Then he took me over by the dress rack and showed me some beautiful gowns, loaded with sequins, that were drasticly reduced. Then the SA said, I know you, I just moved into your neighborhood. Mmmm, maybe I'll gain a new friend, giggle.

[Victoria Anne]

:2c: Tommi ,I must agree,you have to step up and say something to your co-workers and let him know its ok and you lend your support tohim. You don't have to out yourself but you have to support him,I know this can be difficult to do as UI have had to do this myself,the result some now think me gay for standing up fortwo TS at work but I could not sit and say nothing and niether should you.Best of luck to you and he.

[RebeccaLynne]

about the talk circulating in the workplace. "Forewarned is forearmed". Your making him aware of the "office gossip" will probably be appreciated, and he can take whatever course of action, or response, he deems appropriate.

[noname]

I know myself I would feel a responsibility to say something. I wouldn't worry about being outted. If this does get out of hand and the guy seen starts getting harrased, you might want to let him know he has your support.

If this heckling go on for any amount of time, I wouldn't hesitate to bring this to the attention of HR. Well... that may not go over well, they could "find" a reason to let him go. People can really disappoint me sometimes.

[Kendra Irene]

about the talk circulating in the workplace. "Forewarned is forearmed". Your making him aware of the "office gossip" will probably be appreciated, and he can take whatever course of action, or response, he deems appropriate.

Who knows, maybe his twin sister was in town:D . Talk to him.

Kendra

[lissetta]

Support your local crossdresser!

[celtic.blue.eyes]

I'm in complete agreement with all the others. And you can make some generalized comments on the situation without outing yourself. For instance, you could say something to the effect of: "It's the same person we've worked with for the past 10 years. He's done nothing illegal, immoral nor hurt anybody, and he's still a good worker. So now we're not going to like him because we don't like some of his clothes? I prefer to put the emotions aside and take a more logical approach...."
This is one time you can really make a difference!

[JoAnnDallas]

Another approach would be if some of your co-workers belong to Masions, Elks, and etc. Then you can said "Lets see, so and so is a Masion, so and so is an Elk, and etc......and no one cares what they do outside the work place, so I don't have a problem with HIS outside activity as long as he doesn't bring into the work place."
IMHO, this CDer must not be very passable, if she was read that easly. Then too, she must be very compy with her fem side, if she is out about.

[Wanda.cd.northern.NH]

So late to ad Right on Sharon! Wanda

[Siobhan Marie]

I hope you made some attempt to defend him or tell the co-workers that what someone chooses to do outside the premises is none of their business. You don't necessarily out yourself by doing so.

I agree with Sharon too.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[Joy Carter]

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

[Wenda]

I know it is easy for us to give good advice after the fact. It was sprung on you, and it is always easier to come up with good replies after the fact. I think that prompted your posting.
The opportunity to say something to mitigate the situation has passed, so now, as some of the others have said, you need to look forward and speak to your co-worker. There have been suggestions on how to approach it, and i guess it depends upon your relationship with this person, and the corporate culture of your company.
I am fairly large and used to dealing with uncomfortable situations, so my approach would be something along the lines: "Say, Dave, got a minute?'
Step off to the side some place. "Hey, I'm not sure you know, but the word is you were seen coming out of the ladies room at Wherevers." Check his reaction. It will most likely be blank. "Hey man, I am ok either way, but just wanted to give you aheads up that this is the chatter in the locker room."
If he is defensive, denies, whatever, just back off, saying that you just want a co-worker to be aware of what is being said. End of story. You have done your thing.
If he has other reactions, well, follow your instincts. Either way, I think you have an obligation to let this person know that something is up. w.

[AllyM]

Tommi,

Sharon is right. Personal issues have no place in the office. If is very unfortuneate that so much ignorance exists in our society. Do what every you can to support her. Good luck!

[Melinda G]

It is sad. It is also one more good reason not to comeout, or go to work en femme. No matter how we feel about CDing, others see it differently.

[Laurie909]

Unfortunately offices can be very gossipy. I wouldn't tell any of my co-workers anything that I wouldn't want the whole world to know. As the people (all women) I work with would say, "They're all up in your business."

[Jesse69]

Every job where they found out I was a crossdressor - I lost it. Tell us later if this guy gets fired!

[SherriePall]

Tommi -- I agree with those who say you should do something to stick up for this coworker. However, I have to ask, could your coworkers be saying this just to see what your reaction is? Sort of waiting to confirm their suspicions that you dress? If so, than your defense of your coworker will have to be along the lines suggested so as not to confirm their suspicions.

[MJ]

yes Sharon is so right , i hope you will defend this person . his job could be on the line and it's not fare to him. it does not affect his work performance just his look when not at work...

[Shelly Preston]

Sometimes it may be easier to defend them by deflecting the point of attack

For Examlple I would be tempted to say would you prefer they were a -------

(fill in the blank with something suitable)

There not doing you any harm

This should make them realise how silly they are

[Laura Jane]

I wouldn't approach the co-worker about this and certainly wouldn't be confessing to him that you cross dress as well.

I take it you are not that friendly with person to start with.

There will be gossip at work and of course being seen with the target of the gossip could lead to stories about you as well. These may escalate to the point that an harrassment suit is filed and your name could be outed as a witness, dropping you in it with your boss as well as with your co-workers. And of course skeletons in closets have a habit of being aired in things like this.

Coming out verus being outed is different proposition altogether!

[Jill]

I haven't read all the other posts so I'm sorry if I am redundant. Two things come to mind.

1) I've seen a lot of people talk about being noticed in drag in public and people knowing they are a guy and saying that nobody ever cares or gives them grief. To me, this really shows that when you are seen or caught in public, people really do care and even though they don't show it to your face, it's really very prevalent to them. If these people can be so cruel toward someone they have known for years, imagine what they might say about a total stranger. I think for us to think that people don't care is wrong and we're fooling ourselves if we think that.

2) If it were me, I would probably try to talk to that person. Not only to give him a heads up of what is going on in the workplace but also maybe as a friend and confidant, maybe a new CD friend.

[racquel]

I'm in agreement with Jill and Wenda.Take him aside and tell him what you heard.I had the same thing happen to me many years ago and not one of my co-workers told me.
I only found out when I became romantically involved with a lady I worked with.

[Sharon B.]

I would have to ask where they might have seen this person, did they make a pass and find out or are they trying to cover their own tracks on being somewhere socially unacceptable.

[tammie]

Hi I think the way I would handle this is to say to the CD, that there is some narrowminded people who know and have voiced opinions that were unsupportive. I would avoid names and specific comments. Then the next time U hear people trashing this CD just say, why is it U could accept a person being gay, but not able to accept someone that enjoys dressing up a certain way? How is one not acceptable?

[jjjjohanne]

...
1) I've seen a lot of people talk about being noticed in drag in public and people knowing they are a guy and saying that nobody ever cares or gives them grief. To me, this really shows that when you are seen or caught in public, people really do care and even though they don't show it to your face, it's really very prevalent to them. If these people can be so cruel toward someone they have known for years, imagine what they might say about a total stranger.
...


Well said, Jill!

Joe

[SabrinaJoy]

I work in a very "manly" profession, where anything even remotely Feminine is considered to be an abomination. After years of being around people like this, I have come to a conclusion or two:

"Manly" men are just as IF NOT MORE inclined to gossip as women are.

The "Macho Herd Mentality" dictates that if you do not condemn, to your peers, any person or behavior that is not safely within the Manly Norm, you are by default sympathetic to it or even "guilty" of it.

I suspect that if ten guys are talking about an eleventh guy who is a known crossdresser, five of the ten are semi-sympathetic, one or two are closeted CDs themselves, and about three are truly vehement haters. It is the Macho Herd Mentality that lets hatred like this be fostered and not shot down like it truly deserves.

These numbers are purely my own speculation based on observations made over the last decade. I am by no means an expert, nor do I mean to sound like one.

Sabrina

[paulaN]

yes please support your local crossdresser.

[rhonda jane]

When someone tells me a rumour or makes a comment like, "I heard that Jim is gay" or "Did you know that John is a crossdresser?" I usually reply with something like, "So am I." "What if he is, does it create any problems for you?" "Don't you have enough to worry about?" "And that means what?" "Hmmm, I'll bet he looks better than Sylvia the receptionist?" "Are you putting on weight?" "So what?"

Just a light brush off reply to show the gossip how petty and childish they are.

[Kristen Kelly]

Workers always have to gossip about something, for me I would have no problem outing myself to her and tell her what I had heard, as I already have 1 foot out the closet at work. I have heard the rumors about myself; their guesses go from me being bi, gay, as well as a possible crossdresser. We have had 2 openly gay women working in the office, with little said. One of the companies we do business with had a post-op TG woman that would come to our plant maybe twice a year and the comments made were numerous.

[JenniferR771]

Does you workplace have a anit-sexual harrassment policy. Of course it does. Does it cover LGBT? Find out.
You could say something like, "I am not going to gossip about him--that would be sexual harrassment. I could be fired." He could sue the company.

[Mikey]

I have several responses if I am posed with dealing with office gossip.

1. Who cares it does't affect the job that person does.
2. So what, it doesn't affect me. What that person does on their own time is thier own business.
3. I don't care what someone does in there own time.
4. I don't have time to stand around and BS about something that is not work related.
5. If you have a problem with that person, take it up with them and not your buddies.
6. Do you know that gossiping is the biggest cause of workplace violence.

In other words, I attempt to stop all work place gossip about someones personal lives. The workplace is for work, the other BS needs to be elsewhere and preferable to be non-existant. People are such A-holes.


PS: I totally found a way to eliminate having to deal with office gossip. Since I got this new job, I don't hang out with co-workers I only work with them in a professional capacity. I show up for work get any information that I need, get my equipment and go to work. I don't take breaks with them, I don't do lunch with them and you know what. My life is so much happier. Work is for work and friends and conversations are outside of work.

[tommi]

Just a little update after the first quick flip out from a few of the people it
has died,no comments and I have work right beside him. The funny thing is
I do catch myself staring for signs and if I had to guess there is O ton of them.
He is a good coworker and that was stated when the rumor started so it seems to have blown over.

[Amy Hepker]

It sounds to me that someone should let the management know if he is being harrassed about it. It is against the law. Sexual Harrassment is against the law. If someone were to let management know anonamisly and they don't do anything to help the company can get in trouble.

[Sheri 4242]

I know it is easy for us to give good advice after the fact . . . The opportunity to say something to mitigate the situation has passed . . . i guess it depends upon your relationship with this person, and the corporate culture of your company.w.

You've rec'd a great deal of very good advice that spans the gamut of intelligent, critical thinking!!! I'm with Wenda in that it is easy for us to offer good advice after the fact. It may also be that the opportunity to mitigate and/or influence the situation has pased. BUT, you are in the position to know if you could still offer mitigating comments. I am convinced, from what you have said, that there are two things you should consider doing. First, "if" you have an open opportunity, say something to those who are being negative and/or downright mean. An approach I have used with success goes something like this, "You know, I recently read an authoritative article (waiting room at a doctor's office, or wherever) and you know what, maybe many people don't realize this but the overwhelming majority of M-t-F CDs are heterosexual, highly intelligent (etc.)." You could say this in a manner of hey, since so-and-so was spotted en femme, this article really hit home, thus you are not outing yourself. You might add, if you are so motivated, that if CDing is this co-workers thing, that it won't affect how you work with him, saying something like we all have our quirks (or, like Billy Joel sings about regarding our different faces, some are satin, some lace, some steel, etc.).

I ABSOLUTELY agree that you should at least consider that maybe some co-workers "might" be attempting to judge your reaction. If that is the case, the above approach should put an end to it b/c you've transferred the issue.

I also agree that you might consider pulling this co-worker aside and telling him what is being said (you can do this, obviously), without outing yourself. I wouldn't, at this point in time, out myself to him, but I would tell him what's being said. AND, I'd let him know that you've seen some writings on the issue and are cool with it. Who knows, if you take it extremely slow, you may have found a girlfriend at the office.

[Cheyenne Skye]

Be careful of what you say. You don't want this to turn into another Winn-Dixie. Remember the guy that got fired when they found out he crossdressed outside of work.

[susie evans]

a sad situation that happens to often :(

susie

[Suzzie]

Hello,

I had been seen by someone from my workplace during one of my outtings and it went around work really fast. I could tell because of the looks that I was getting from lots of my co-workers. All I would do is smile back and continue on with my regular routine. I could see them talking amonst themselves and strairing at me during my breaks and at lunch. I continued as if nothing was wrong and all was well. Co-workers would still have to comunicate with me about work related things and such but nothing else. The ones that it didn't bother, were the ones that I would ask question of work related things and start to joke with. Aventually it got around to HR and most of my co-workers settled down after awhile. Do you know that I started to paint my pinky finger nail with pink nail polish and nobody said a word. Thats when I knew all would be OK after that. Mind, I don't do anything after hours with any of these folks.

[Lovely Rita]

It stinks. Society has a lot of growing up to do.