I've told her I'm going to tell her!... but how?

[Amanda Shaft]

I'm going to tell my SO about my cding today, I've told her that I've something big to tell her, she's gone out for a while so I have about an hour to prepare for it! I want to give her something to read, some sort of report from somewhere or other that might help any ideas? Wish me luck this is going to be one hell of an afternoon! Amanda

[Sheri 4242]

I applaud your decision to be up front and honest with your SO. BUT, you are only giving us an hour to respond and in my humble opinon, you really need to receive a lot of advice, consider it all constructively, take the best parts or bits from all the differing advice, then really rehearse!

To give you the best possible advice, we need more info from you, too. It would help to know if your SO is your wife or a gf?!!! If she is your wife, how long have you been married? (IF you have been married a long time, you really need to do this right. I have seen many marriages fail when the husband got honest with his wife b/c the wife many times looks at it like you've been deceiving her for so very long. In this scenario, the wife doesn't always appreciate your new-found honesty and what all it took for you to tell her. A wife, especially a long-time wife, will go through stages, and often that first stage is either shutting down or becoming hostile. They can be moved along to a more positive attitude, but this often require time.

If your SO is a gf, then there are different approaches you can use to ease the two of you into a productive conversation about your being a CD -- but again, you need to really rehearse -- and you need to understand the emotions she will be going through and what all it will take to overcome the initial negatives.

I'd love to write you more on this subject -- I have a wonderfully accepting and encouraging (regarding my being a crossdresser) wife who fully embraces my "second self." BUT, it didn't start that way -- we had to go through a process. That process was well worth the time and effort, though!!!!!!!

One final word: many, many times "acceptance" (or just mere tolerance, for al that matters) comes in baby steps as you both agree on certain limits and boundaries. You may not like the boundaries, but if you let her research the psychology and biology of what makes us CD'ers, usually those boundaries can be moved! This takes a great deal of loving patience!!!

[Amanda Shaft]

Hi Barbara, I appreciate your thoughts, unfortunatly time is in short supply, things have just zoomed away. This is not a snap decision to tell here, its just arrived suddenly if you see what I mean. As for our circumstances: we've been living together for about 8 years so this is going to put our relationship to the test but I just can't keep lying to her: all those cover stories as to where this came from or why's that there, you know the stuff. She knows somethings going on, I think she thinks I'm having an affair, which is close to the truth isnt it? At least she can stop worrying about that and have something real to worry about! That sounds crass but it must be better to face the fear you know than any number of imaginery ones. I hope this goes well or at least that it doesn't go bad. I don't want any more than to be open with her and to share a large piece of me that I've hidden, I'm not looking for more opportunity to dress just understanding of who I am. A big ask, but really, right now I don't have a choice anymore I'm tired of the deceit. I'll keep you posted. Amanda

[Sheri 4242]

Well, how did it go, gf? You've been in my thoughts with the prayer that the right words would come your way!!! Somebody said on another thread that often we face a problem with our SO's in that they are jealous of our fem side. That's often true. So is what you basically said about her knowing something is going on, in re the evidence that is there, etc., being pretty much undeniable. I applaude what you are doing and why!!! Well, again, hope it went well -- let us know what happened!

[sugarspice]

i hope things go ok for u, let us know what happens. dont forget if she needs help she could always register hear too i found it helped me understand better.

[Alice B]

Go to "cross dressing" on Yahoo. There are several good articles that you can giv her to read. It will take some searching, but I did this with my wife and it was extremely helpful. Good Luck:love:

[stephanie100]

:hugs: Good Luck when i told my SO she gave me a skirt ( wrong size )lol
seriously better to tell her than to have her find out from someone else \good luck again

[Glamourgirl GG]

Amanda, just wondering how it went. We are all here to support you.

[marie354]

Yes, Amanda... How did it go? Did you open up, or put it off for a while?

Please let us know whenever you get a chance to. I told mine when we were dating and everything worked out OK. I hope it does for you as well.

[Amanda Shaft]

Hi girls thanks for all your messages of support. Well it went okay I think!? I explained things as best I could, she asked all the questions everybody said she would ask and I answered them openly and truthfuly. She said at the 'end': "I thought you were going to tell me you'd gambled away the house or were going to prison or something" (do I detect a low opinion of my good character?) "cross-dressing isn't such a deal!" I'm not sure she means it so I've just let her think about things over the weekend and answered her supplimentry questions as they've arisen. So far though it seems okay yet I still feel a little uneasy about the situation like she's holding back. We'll see!
Thanks once again for you thoughts, I'll post a detailed blow by blow account later maybe. Ooodles of love Amanda

[DawnL]

Amanda,

Congrats, it seems to have gone well. I just told my wife a week or so ago and she has done all kind of research and googling everything. You may want to tell her about this forum. It is a great support mechanism. Lots of support here.

[Angie G]

Amanda above all let your wife know you love her and always will i'm glad it's going good take it slow hun and good luck :hugs:
Angie

[AllyM]

Amanda, I also believe it is important to be sensitive to your wife's feelings as you move forward. It sounds like things are going in the right direction. Congratulations!

[Tina B.]

The worst is over, and you are both still there and talking. Thats great, now just keep it up. remember your feelings of her holding back, may just be your feelings of insecurity, that is normal, things maybe better than you think!
Tina B.

[SherriePall]

Amanda -- Glad things apparently turned out well. Just keep talking to her and reminding her that you love her.

[Wendy me]

well done now just let it sink in for her and give things time.....

[Lovely Rita]

Very carefuly I would say. Very carefully.