Need advice on going out in public

[michelleupnorth]

So now has come the time for me to take the first steps in transitioning. I must live full-time as a woman and need to go out in public on a full-time basis as a woman. I'm nervous about what people are going to say and I just cannot seem to get the courage to do so. How was your first time coming out? What did you feel and how did you overcome those fears? Any help would be great. I've been out at night but for me that was different.

Thanks in advance
Michelle

[Shelly R]

My first time back out after a long time I was a bundle of nerves,couln't stop worring about everyone else and what they would think of me. Turned out to be no big deal. The best part, I was in a major department store, and one nice lady came up to me and asked if I worked there and could I help her? Validation!!
You have gone out at night, and daylight should not be that much of a different problem for you.
It's public contact will get you over the "jitters", patience wins.
Welcome to the world of transitioning, and congratulations!
I'n so proud of you! :hugs:

[janelle]

Hi Hun, for me the first out in daylight was to a therapy session. I got to the backdoor & froze. Said to myself that if this is truely me do what you have to do, & I did. The first few times out to the malls shopping & things I was always wondering who was looking at me as i do not make the best looking chic in the world, but than realized i am doing this for me, who cares what they think. Took the same attitide when going to work but still had tons of butterfly's due to everyone i know. I back off a bit & introduced Janelle slowly to them. This gave them time & more important me confidence in myself. Things are good now with all except the wife & we are working at that.
Well dear I hope this helps on your trip. If you wish you can PM anytime. Good luck sweetie.

:hugs: :hugs: ,
Janelle

[Sharon]

The first time out for me was nerveracking to say the least. In fact, the first several times were. I was absolutely certain that everyone would notice what I was and that I would be laughed at, given dirty looks, or worse.

But you know what? I survived and didn't attract anything worse than smiles or prolonged looks. Oh the time I wasted worrying.

Start out slowly, perhaps with a short stroll on the street, and then begin taking longer strolls, trips to a mall, gallery, or whatever interests you. Then, at some point, you will realize that you aren't even thinking about what you're wearing -- it will just be natural for you.

And congratulations on transitioning -- you will be happier than you ever imagined! :happy:

[azure]

try just going out for short walks to begin with? I guess thats an option. We're talking here about asimilating yourself into a routine of daily life in your
role as a woman. Firstly the most important thing,never mind clothes is your attitude. If you walk out your front door, and you are displaying to the world body language and micor facial gestures and verbal behaviour which demonstrates that your are fearful, then those you encounter will, on the whole, A. notice it (whether it be overtly or subconciously and B. react in ways which arnt comaptible with having an easy passage through your day.
even as you are now(try this in work, or ina disco etc) dekiberatly use negative body langauge and inappropiate eye contact and see what happens...yep you guessed, things will be difficult, why...because, as humans we have cells in the brain which are activated when we see an individual displaying "injured animal behaviour", the cell fire and "predatory behaviour" is cued, giving rise to suspicion, hostilty, aggression and prejudice....why...because this is how ancient man would determine friend or foe and maintain strong social bonds. So, the very first thing is lots of "I belong here!!" attitude, so that when those who you encounter survey you, and you will be surveryed by men and women, your posture, and facial non verbal body language will cue positive reactions, and not big bad predatory reactions. You are aiming for a feeling of "oh its another womam, nothing special there, and nothing to report". You DO NOT look at men you pas you in the eye, or god forbid, nod in acknolwedgment, you go on you way and ignore them, because they will be absorbed in looking at your hips, breasts, and legs.Women will also look at you, they wil be looking at how your hair is styled, at how you have coordinated your clothes, at how your figure is, and most probably unless you have prepared in depth, you will get read, however, the use of postive body language, eye contact ,and a confident voice will help get your through. Remember, not every woman is a Cindy Crawford, or Beyonce, and being sensilble in style of clothes, and shoes you wear, how you wear them, will help form a good all around image.
DO : try your clothes at home, and make sure you feel right, that they fit, and suit your age.
DO, use props, and accessories like, femine shades (to help break up the square male shape of your eye sockets), chose a nice handbag and purse, and chose a feminine cover for your mobile phone...it is : detail, detail, detail.
DO : cheat, if you are wearing boots and a pair of tights, wear a pair of socks, or take a pair along with you, incase the boots cause blisters, socks make all the difference(yes they can be girly socks)

No, Im not ranting, this stuff will help yous survive.

Children, teenagers : May read you, if you have the misfortune of straying into their radar, however, teenagers are loking for anyone to belittle, and you are as viable target as anyone. DO NOT react, DO NOT panic, if you can leave the area where they are confidently and quietly, remember your attitude, " Im just another woman, Im doing my shopping,and I belong here"
because if you panic, you will give off "Im a frightlened hurt animal" behaviour and that will make things much worse, so be calm, and go on your way.
Not all teenagers will be horrid, some will simply be curious, and maybe a little mischevious, again let them get on with it, DO NOT react and go on your way, they'll soon find somthing else to do.

You may not get it right the first time, but dont be too harsh on yourself, once the day is over, ask yourself, what worked, what did you think felt right, what was difficult, which item of your outfit could you have not worn, or worn differently, were other women wearing that and looking better, how, what were they doing differently?

got a headache yet?

though at the bottom of all of the preparation and detail, is attitude, get your attitude right, and most of the other stuf will fall into place.

[GypsyKaren]

I'm going to come in with the exact opposite of everyone else...just do it. Don't tap dance, just go out where it's crowded and get it over with. Those of us who go out all the time will tell you that we get read more often than we think, it's a fact of life, so I think it's best to just bite the bullet and deal with it. Don't look for the reactions of others, just go about your business and have some fun.

Karen

[Tamera]

Being nervous is natural. So I don't blame people for feeling that way.
I would suggest go out at night. Like to a restaurant or a all night store. Once you get confertable doing that then start your daytime activities. Maybe to a park for example and then build from there. If you other CD in your area, get together for an outing. Once you have been out you will fine that a lot of the world don't care.
Love,
Tamera

[Shellybean]

But it turned out that the only thing i had to fear is....throwing up on my new red dress. I went out first time in a bright red dress and no one noticed or said anything in public at all. the worst i get is the fashion poice (young girls) giving me the look of disaproval. However young girls seem to dissaprove of anything that is not young, beautiful and knows everything. After a while I began forgetting to notice the looks and it kinda just fades into the background.
We are all with you
hugz
michelle

[alisoncdnj]

All the replys are pretty much on the money. I started with short trips, and I am gradually working my way up. I am still nervous and I am sure I will be for sometime. Went to the casino and I'm not sure if one of the security guards was checking me out, but he just kept smiling at me. I just gave him a smile back and continued what I was doing, having fun. Go out have fun and try to relax. Good Luck and enjoy yourself.

Hugs,

Alison

[Calliope]

Don't tap dance, just go out where it's crowded and get it over with. Those of us who go out all the time will tell you that we get read more often than we think, it's a fact of life, so I think it's best to just bite the bullet and deal with it. Don't look for the reactions of others, just go about your business and have some fun.


I'll second this approach. I believe the confidence to go out is more about going out as a TS (TG, whatever) than a "woman." I agree with Leslie Feinberg: Passing is hiding. Nothing wrong with being ... you. (What's probably worked for me includes (1) no eye contact; (2) brisk pace; and (3) iPod blasting.)

[AmberTG]

Well, I'm good at no eye contact and a brisk pace, I guess I should get an I-pod.:heehee:

[Shellybean]

I'll second this approach. I believe the confidence to go out is more about going out as a TS (TG, whatever) than a "woman." I agree with Leslie Feinberg: Passing is hiding. Nothing wrong with being ... you. (What's probably worked for me includes (1) no eye contact; (2) brisk pace; and (3) iPod blasting.)

#1 very very important in fact, really I cant think of the words to justify this. Especialy when you first start out. However....you will get stronger. #2 is also invaluable.....but you slowly get more comfortabe. I used to do #3 but not at all anymore. one syde of the spiro is you ears. you can loose some hearing so you gotta take care. Make friends. you will find some who will rise above the sheeple, but they still do the same stupid stuff friends do....thank God. Stand up for You at work, but dont try to use it. everything has a price...everything. Be youself, pleeeeeese. shop, cook, clean, make dinner, get sick, cry, sing, watch tv.....do your makeup, get lazered....ouch...oh yeah, work is a 4 letter word but u cant do another 4 letter word about it. you are a very rare jewel, so rare only few dare to understand, and even few who will love. but when they do, look out cuz they reallly really want you. they are men, what can I say? oh yeah...sleep.

if they have a problem, it IS thier problem. its the truth even though sometimes it does not feel that way. think of the ones comming up in the years to come, i hope it will be easier for them. dont take any detritus. be.

[Shellybean]

dont worry about passing. i been going at for a while and some days i do pretty good, other days I pass like a kidney stone.
hugz
michelle

[Kimberly]

I think the first time is always the hardest -- mine was a bit of a cop out and a fancy dress occassion (although I didn't have to neccessarily go as a girl.) That night though, I was able to tell people why I'd dressed up if they asked me -- the real reason. :)

I believe it gets easier as you go on. You'll be surprised how many people aren't bothered by your presence, or the fact you are trans. It only takes one idiot though...

I suppose my advice is -- it comes with risks, as does life always, but if this is something you have to do, then you have to do it. xx

[michelleupnorth]

Thanks everybody. All your words of "just do it" are giving me more and more confidence to built the courage up. I was going to go out during the day and stay dressed all weekend but a (male) friend of mine is coming to see me. I think that I’ll stay as a man this weekend and tell him when he is not around me and I come out full time. Maybe he will still be a friend after but I guess time will tell. I’m sort of disappointed that he picked this weekend to visit but oh well.

[Siobhan Marie]

dont worry about passing. i been going at for a while and some days i do pretty good, other days I pass like a kidney stone.

Michelle, the part of your post where you say you "pass like a kidney stone" sometimes made me laugh but did strike a chord too because I have visions of me me doing exactly the same thing when I go full time.

I just want to say that I've been reading the advice that you've all been giving michelleupnorth and want to say thank you as you've all been helping me too and I appreciate it more than I can say.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[MJ]

just do it . i found that people just don't care or notice you , for me it was nerve-racking but i had to do it , i went to my grocery store as marissa it felt like everyone was looking at me but no one said anything it gets better every-time you go out...

[Shellybean]

Hope your all doing well. Well apparently i can get kinda hairy out there all. The fella who was fired for hitting my chair as he went buy has buddies. Three of them, they suddenly were sitting all right near me and apparently spending all day making fun/threats in a different language, I was unaware of course until people were telling me what they were doing. But thats just the filling to this pie ladies. Thursday, one of them gets promoted, he is now my immediate boss and stands about 5 feet away over my left soulder with his arms accross his chest gloating. I actually managed to make it through a couple cx calls before I got up and left. I dad to tell them to get me into another department or i was gonna have to leave. you see im am getting scared. friday morning someone is in front of my building screaming die your transexual b#$% your $%$$% dead. What now?

[azure]

this "just do it" attitude is all very well and nice, as those promoting it are not going to be there when you take the step out of the house and present yourself as a woman for the first time(or whenever). It is up to the individual to determine if they are ready, it in my opinion is not healthy to be urged by ones peers a who are conveniently distanced, to take a course of action which you may not be ready for. (Yes I am playing devils advocate on this one, but I feel.....actually I know very well from personal experience...that only the person themsleves should be making decisons), though it is nice to have others opionions, ultimalty transitioning from male to female (or female to male) should be a course of action done after very careful thought and with a strong supoort group of friends who you see in person daily. When I was planning my transition I had a friend who was transitioning who would email me and snail mail me "Go on , do it, JUMP, come out as a woman!" she would also send me premarin tablets(I feel her motive was well meanning, but I also felt, the decision was up to me) I handed the hormones into by GP, who told me I was very sensible to do so, and referred me to a psychiatrist for help in discussing transiton properley under medical supervison.

Thankyou for your time.

[Wendi {LI NY}]

Hi Michelle.
You are the only person that means any thing ,so get out there and be proud. hold your head high and be your self . It will be scary ,but you will get over it .. Just remember to act and look like the women you can be !:love:
The more you get out and about the easyier it be comes for you too.
hugs ,from a sister that was scare sh** too , Wendi D:hiding:

[Dawntv]

I have been at this for a long time and just got the nerve this last fall to finally go. I went with a gg and that helped alot i could be seen with her. I drove four hours to our hotel in a "safe" city we had a great time and were hit on alot.. I got outed once when my voice slipped but after he was put in his place everything was good so my advice is find a friend to go with you and do it. Dawn

[cindianna_jones]

You couldn't keep me from going out! By the time I started my RLT, I felt very comfortable in public.

But the first times out were nerve racking! I probably got read by every single person who saw me. I had cat calls, all kinds of negative remarks, kids followed me, and some violence which I'll not get into here. Fortunately, I think things are much better now days. People are a bit more understanding. You might get some odd looks but don't worry about them.

I suggest that you do your best to dress for the location where you are going. It's best to pick someplace and clothing that are casual. A very public mall is a good place. Just go out and walk down the mall. Don't try to be all foo foo feminine unless that is your nature. Be yourself and don't be timid. Timid has a smell to it. Everyone detects it.

If you need to practice your mannerisms and voice. DO IT AT HOME. When you go out, you must behave with that which is most comfortable.

Also, if you are having a tough time passing at first, make sure that where you go has lots of people. Yes, the chances are better you will be read. But the chances are much less that you will have any violent reactions.

My best to you doll.

Cindi

[Lisa Maren]

Hi Michelle

I am totally unsure at what's ahead for me. I may well be TS; I'm working with a good therapist to figure that out. I know that it may come time for me to start living as a woman at some point... possibly. I guess I've realized that what really scares me about going out in public en femme has nothing to do with being read because I don't give a rat's *** what others think. What really scares me is being followed and beaten up (or murdered). At the moment, my family doesn't know because... at the moment... neither do I. :heehee: This adds to my fears about going out in public because, at the moment, I have thoughts about someone I know telling one of my family members they saw me as a woman. (I was born and raised around here and all of my siblings live in the area as well.)

But again, all of that pertains to the perceptions of others, not my own perceptions of myself. I can also vouch that going out is rather anti-climatic. I actually went for a walk in downtown San Francisco during the day (one of the very few times I've been out). I got one relatively harmless comment on the way out the door (some guy wishing he had his camera :heehee: ) but that was it. It seems that the majority of people out there really do have more important (to them) things to worry about than us.

Keep in mind that a significant proportion of people (if people's driving habits are any indication) will talking on their cellphones and paying no attention anyway, right? :D

Right. Now I just need to put my money where my mouth is! :bonk:

Hugs,
Lisa

[karenstidham]

Michelle if you are at the point of starting your transition then I assume that the people that you care about already know about you and what you are afraid of is everybody else in the world - if that is the case then you have to develop a I don't care what you think of me mind set - their Opions don't mean Crap - Who are they to judge you - they don't know what you have been thur in life - how dare they

This doesn't mean that you become a Bitch - it means that their Opions of you don't matter - keep your self open to the positive stuff and when the negitive stuff come your way - just consider the source - it will probably be someone who isn't worth you time

Also buy clothes that look good on you not the model in the magazine -you have to be real honest with your self about this - find someone who has your body type and look good in the clothes they wear and minic them - take me for example I am 6'4" tall and 335 lbs - I have strong manly looking leg and arms - what I wear flats and slacks or long skirts and dresses and blouses with full flowing sleves - these thing hide my flaws and make me look more feminin - If I would wear a mini skirt and a halter top - I am just looking for troblem or a john

Karen