To choose -- "me or the c/d"

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

If you were given the ultimatuim "me or the c/d" which would you seriously choose ?? :( either your SO or family memeber , someone really close to you, and expressed to you that they hated the c/d and gave you a choice , which do you think youd be able to choose ??
Or have you ever been put in that position, and which-ever you have choosen , do you now regret making that choice ?? :rolleyes:

[Vicky_Scot]

If you were given the ultimatuim "me or the c/d" which would you seriously choose ?? :( either your SO or family memeber , someone really close to you, and expressed to you that they hated the c/d and gave you a choice , which do you think youd be able to choose ??
Or have you ever been put in that position, and which-ever you have choosen , do you now regret making that choice ?? :rolleyes:

Hi WB.

I see that you have not informed us of which path you would choose. Family/SO or the CD.

I am very fortunate to have a wife who accepts me for who I am and loves me for me and she knows I love her with all my being............

but she also knows that I am a crossdresser and always will be until I am laid to rest and that it is who I am.

So if the ultimatuim was ever given she already knows the answer.

[Casey Morgan]

Just so I know what you're looking for, is this just for CDs or all MTFs? If it's for all MTFs, are you talking about not dressing in front of them or does it get deeper, like mannerisms and the like?

[Karren H]

Wife and family !!! Don't even have to think about that one... They are first... Always have been... Always will be....

Karren

[Daintre]

Well Wicked, I enjoyed being married, I was in love with a very special woman. I also had this "dark" side which my ex tried to accept but finally couldn't. At that time the marriage ended quickly and without trying to save it. That said....If I knew then what I know now, I would have thrown it all away and embraced my wife and child even harder. I am not saying that it would be fun losing Jenni, but I value my ex and son so much more.

The thing is...we have all made some choices which we regret, we can wallow in regret or try and move on.

[tommi]

Wife and family always but it's not easy putting the jennie back into that bottle:bonk:

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

sorry i didnt explain correctly, its for all c/d , which ever gender really . & i meant the SO ask you to stop completely !! as in its either the c/d or me !! :o
& to answer the first question, NO i wouldnt expect that of my c/d SO . if i wasnt happy with something connected with the c/d i would say ( which i have recently ). i was very scarred to say things in past on the c/d front , ( for lots of reasons ), but like everything else in life , if you dont ask you dont get !! :rolleyes:

[Tammietoo]

When my wife first found out and I thought that I might loose her, I was as scared as I've ever been in my life. We've worked things out and she is tolerant, but doesn't want to see me dressed. That said, if it came down to chosing, my wife and family would come first.

[Robin Leigh]

I wouldn't have a long-term intimate relationship with someone who didn't accept my CDing, so that scenario wouldn't arise for me.

I can stop dressing for extended periods. Sometimes I don't crossdress for months. Sometimes I've only dressed up once or twice over a whole year. But I can't stop being who I am. I believe that we are born with CD/TG propensities and that will never go away, no matter what we do.

:hugs:

Robin

[Maggie Kay]

I was given that ultimatum. I agreed purged and promptly went into a suicidal depression. I lost my ability to work. I prayed to die every night. I began to practice ways of doing myself in. After two months of watching me deteriorate, my SO was convinced that CD was not a game or hobby for me. So she lifted the ultimatum but we had severe financial problems ever since and I can only afford a few items a month. I now am 24/7. The ultimatum backfired and accelerated my CD/TG progress.

[SabrinaDubh]

Well, number one I wouldn't keep something like being TG (of any flavor) a secret from someone I am letting get to know me on that kind of level. Personally I don't think anyone can really know me without knowing that I am trans.

And second... My wife and I do not accept ultimatums from ANYONE (well, except maybe work) Giving an ultimatum is vile. It belies cowardice, a lack of self esteem, and an unhealthy desire to control either someone elses or ones own life. And too many people use ultimatums as bargaining chips, which is NOT what they are for. There is no bargain, or consideration of anyone elses feelings in an ultimatum.

[marie354]

I was just handed that and I did tell her that I would pack it all away.
She said it wouldn't make any differance if I packed it all away or not... After all I'd still be the same anyway. Just hiding it. True, true. It's part of who I am and that won't change.

The bright side of it though...
I'll still be free to dress whenever I want, and probably come out sooner.
And... I've met a lot of new friends here, plus I met a CDer near me too, and know of at least 3 others within 50 miles. Cool, huh?

Sooo. I might not be here as oftin as I have been since I joined, until I get settled into my new place.

True... I am losing something that was special... But... I'll be free to do what I've always wanted in the end.

[Staci G]

I am living under the ultimatum now.. I am still with her but I am not sure how long.. No its not easy but I do not want to hurt her. I know she will never understand (heck I dont) my need to CD but it is not the only issue that may break us apart she is just using it along with other things to control.

I wish I told her before we were married and I wish she had told me she was a control freak but here we are at a stalemate....

I feel sure I will be leaving soon so if any one has a job offer west of the Mississippi please feel free to contact me

Thanks

[JulieCDorlando]

I would hope that before that ultimatum would be presented by someone in a relationship. Perhaps some sort of compromise would be presented first. I have not been presented with such an ultimatum as of yet. But in the case of an ultimatum, I would have to weigh the pros and cons of such. Pro; Being w/ someone to love and be loved.To share life's ups and downs with. Con; feelings of isolation, unloved, unsure of yourself, confusion in other areas of life. For me I would choose the former over the latter.

[Casey Morgan]

Ah, thanks for the clarification. I just wanted to be sure I wasn't adding something that wasn't really pertinent to what you were asking.

I'm not married so if my SO ever gave me that ultimatum that would be a sign that something was wrong. We'd definitely have to talk about what was wrong, so hopefully that ultimatum wouldn't have to be an ultimatum if you know what I mean.

I've actually been thinking what I would do if one of my sisters gave me that ultimatum. My biggest fear is that I'll be told when I come out to them that I can either be me (who I am inside, not what's on the outside) or I can be in their lives. As difficult and painful as it would be, I'd tell them that I've tried being someone else and it just hurt too much. I'd tell them that I'm keeping the door open, so if they need to close it they can open it again if they want to. So although technically I'd be choosing the c/d over them, I see it more as putting the onus back on them.

[Brianna Lovely]

If you were given the ultimatuim "me or the c/d" which would you seriously choose ??

I would have to choose myself. As I consider myself a TG person, not only a CD. I can not change my biological and emotional makeup, so I have to learn to love and accept myself, first, before I can truely love someone else.

Lies and deciet serve no good, for the lier or the one being decieved.



Or have you ever been put in that position, and which-ever you have choosen , do you now regret making that choice ??

Yes, I've been in that position and I'm sorry that the people I held dear, could not accept me for who I am.
No, I don't regret making the choice to be honest with others. But I am deeply saddened by their rejection.

[Gina_darling]

If I was ever presented with the ultimatum which is unlikely I would have to choose family. Crossdressing is something I do because I enjoy it and although it would be very hard to give up, I'd be willing to for the sake of someone I loved. I never want to hurt anyone, and to choose CDing over family would be extremely selfish and not at all in my character.

[Lissa Stevens]

I really don't think most of us have a real choice. We might try to stop, and I would say most have, but the "urge" will always come back. It is not something we chose to be it is simply something we are.

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

thank you all for your comments :hugs: i know it would be a extremley hard thing for you to have to do, if the situation arised, and as many of you have said, its not something that goes away. so yes, maybe for awhile it could be done, but permantly +? very doutful. im gratefully for all your honesty within your replies :happy:

[TxKimberly]

If you were given the ultimatuim "me or the c/d" which would you seriously choose ?? :( either your SO or family memeber , someone really close to you, and expressed to you that they hated the c/d and gave you a choice , which do you think youd be able to choose ??
Or have you ever been put in that position, and which-ever you have choosen , do you now regret making that choice ?? :rolleyes:


You have the proverbial rock and a hard place - there is no choice - the family MUST come first. However . . . what does it say about the one who makes the demand? What message does it send? It says "something is more important to me than your happiness".
I DO feel an SO has the right to ask that it be kept private, that it either not leave the house or be done a LONG way from it. There are real consequences if you have a social life or children. But to categorically demand that it cease, knowing what it means to the CD, I think would be an unkind thing to do.
Kim

[Jessicainme]

I hope that it never comes to that..I'll have to make up my mind ,if or when it happens. I may say one thing now but faced with the me or cd question I'll have to answer it then.

[Bev06 GG]

Ouch Wickedblonde,
tee hee, what a question. I suppose you could turn that on its head though and think of the opposite scenario.
What would you say if your CD said to you Accept my dressing or I leave.
To be honest even if I didn't like the dressing I dont think I could do that to my fella, he'd be devastated. But then I actually know that I come before the dressing so maybe that makes a difference to how I feel about it.
Love Bev

[Kate Simmons]

Unfortunately, I chose CDing over my wife and family. There were a lot of other things going on then but that was no excuse. If my wife would even reconsider it for a minute, the CDing would vanish into oblivion forever. I have the will power to do it but that choice is ultimately up to her. In the meantime, I just continue to be who I am.

[kateyliz]

If it was my wife, I would try but not be surprised if I failed. Anyone else in the family or out can mind their own business. Hugs, Kathy

[Deborah_UK]

Wife and family !!! Don't even have to think about that one... They are first... Always have been... Always will be....

Karren

Karren,

Please don't think I'm getting at you, that is not my intention. You are without a doubt an amazing person given the activities you undertake.

You have said the above so many times in so many threads, and I know your wife found out about you some time ago.

But given your experiences, and the constant pushing of the envelope (is that the phrase you Americans use?) - if your wife actually found out what you have been doing behind her back - do you really think you'd have a choice?

And do you actually think you'd stop if given the ultimatum?

Like I say, I'm not having a go - I just can't see how you reconcile the two.

[Julie York]

It's an interesting question because it raises so many issues aside of the actual question.

If someone gave me that ultimatum, it would indicate more about the person asking it than the results would indicate about me.

It would indicate that I had become involved with someone who hadn't loved me enough in the first place to investigate the subject and try to understand it so that she could solve her 'problem' in a more subtle way, without ultimatums.
It would indicate that she wasn't half as kinky as I hoped.:D
It would indicate that she was not as intelligent as I hoped.
It would indicate a level of selfishness that illustrates all of the above.

A very interesting question.

Would I give it up for someone I love? Yeah of course I would. Yes absolutely you have my word on it.


(But ......as Homer Simpson said when he had an affair......"But Marge!!!......I would have never done it if I thought you'd find out!")


:D

[Katrina]

Been there, done that. My ex basically told me that she would never accept a crossdresser. For that reason, I never told her. I thought I could surpress it, and maybe cure myself by being married to her. All it did was make me miserable and probably affected our relationship to the point where we did split up. While I would like to think that SO and family would come first, there really is no choice for me. This is who I am and forcing me to be something that I'm not would almost guarantee my premature demise.

[ubokvt]

When one partner say to the other "my way or leave" and you accept, surrender completly, then power in the relationship is so skewed, in most case the relationship is gone. Its not a relationship, its a dictatorship. Reverse the question, "Enjoy my CDing or leave". Adding kids to the demand Do it my way or you'll never see your kids again is just truning the screws. Of course none of us would leave our kids we'd kill our selves to insure a safe happy life for them and thats just what we are doing.
Yes I was given one of those "Its me and the Kids or....." and I surrendered, they were my children. I don't regret the choice I got to raise my children, I do regret what it did to me and the relationship. I divorced when the children left the home. It wasn't for CDing but job related issues. Our relationship never recovered, I counldn't forgive her or recover the loss of trust. I wondered what was the next demand. What would she object to next.

[pedebra]

There is no question about it; I would choose my wife and family. That being said, I have tried to give this up in the past but it is like a virus that goes dormant for periods of varying duration before it comes back as strong or stronger than ever. I would hope that she woul;d realize that this aspect of me is just another trait that has made me the man that she fell in love with.
Debra

[Melanie R]

As one who was given that ultimatum and in the end made the decision to leave and end the marriage, all I can say is thank God I made that decision. I found someone who accepted and loved me for who I am and not what they want me to be. I also know many TG persons who were given the ultimatum and remained in the marriage. Most who have given up who they are to save the marriage are very missarable persons - if they tell how they really feel emotionally.

[Wendy me]

while my wife knows abought me she is unsuportive ....i would like to think that after over 25+ years together we would never do something that silly to come down to ultimatum's .... i would have to say that i would like to say i would give up cding because she means that much to me .... but after all would that not be a lie ???? because did you ever meet a CD that quit for good and is still alive???... so it's not a answer you could say yes to ... it's more a question one might say i would try to stop...

[Deborah]

I went 6 years out of 10 (was married last 4 and yes she knew) in the military without wearing anything feminine.
I could give it up anytime i want to...it's just wanting to. ;)
Oh and i'm not married or dating right now anyway so it doesn't matter.

[GypsyKaren]

Ultimatums don't make for a good relationship.

Karen

[Phoebe Reece]

Any SO that gives such an ultimatum has made a choice themselves. That choice is to only love the person they want you to be and to not love the person that you are. And, the lack of love of the person that you are is so strong that the SO intends to leave you. The person who has been given such an ultimatum has to consider their answer in that context. I would have a hard time continuing to love a person who dislikes me that much regardless of what the ultimatum was. Ultimatums are preludes to war - not peace and happiness.

[RobynM]

Sorry, but there would be no choice. I'm already living in a difficult compromise - I'm Transexual but effectively living the life of a part time CD in order to keep my thirty year marriage somewhere near together - my wife knows that there is only one way I could possibly go if I had to choose. I cannot change who I am, every day is a struggle as things are.
I should point out that I have no financial dependants, my wife has a good job as has my 29 year old non resident daughter.

[Jodi]

If you were given the ultimatuim "me or the c/d" which would you seriously choose ?? :( either your SO or family memeber , someone really close to you, and expressed to you that they hated the c/d and gave you a choice , which do you think youd be able to choose ??
Or have you ever been put in that position, and which-ever you have choosen , do you now regret making that choice ?? :rolleyes:

She gave me "the ultimatum". I guess I just got tired of ultimatums on a number of things. I showed her the door, and I'm now divorced.

Does that answer your question?

Jodi

[btmgrl6]

Tough question....to be sure.
As for the selfishness of an SO demanding that a cd'er stop...If say for instance the cd'er had kept it a secret from his SO..and suddenly she found out...Why would it be selfish is she wanted you to stop? Maybe had you been honest in the first place she could have at least had a choice as to wether or not this was acceptable. Why would she even have to consider "not seeing you"?, or "you doing it in private" or even you doing it far far away?....That really doesn't change anything.. She didn't sign on to be the SO of a crossdresser. And the "if you love me thing"...OH BROTHER!
I think we're getting closer to who's selfish. If crossdressing is something that you must do (for your own sanity or whatever)... then cut your losses and get on with your life, and let her do the same. I really think that expecting her to put up with it because it's the "real you" is totally .... I can't even come up with a good description other than BS!
As for having an accepting SO,and she suddenly says quit or else...What are you going to do? She has the right .correct? Why should you have what you want.Why shouldn't she? Again you have the same choices.... crossdress or don't.(go or stay) Kudos to those who can say... Family first.
For those who say... Oh that won't happen in my relationship...use your imagination...It was a simple question. Answer it!

Steph

Ouch! who kicked the soapbox out from under me?

[battybattybats]

Sigh.

Lets just be honest here.

If someone says that you must choose between them and something else (whatever that might be) then...

THEY have already made that choice. Yep. They have. They have chosen that if you don't or can't give up the (whatever, it could be train sets, football, star trek, heavy metal music, ballet, religion, anything!) then they will leave you, stop talking to you etc.

They are the ones who have decided that not being near IT is more importnant to them than you are. They have decided that you are the one who is disposable because of their need or desire to be rid of it.

Now either its an empty threat as an attempt at control or they really have decided that the problem with whatever it is is greater than their love for you.

Now there is nothing selfish about an SO suddenly discovering their partner is a CD wanting the dressing to stop or even asking their partner to stop but that is as far as it goes. Demanding the partner stops, making it a condition in emotional blackmail is selfish.

There is nothing selfish about a CD wanting there partner to accept or asking their partner to accept but again demanding is unacceptable.

In the middle of these is the point where a CD can't (or won't and it is not selfish for them to choose not to as it is there human and civil right) stop and the SO can't or won't (again they have the right not to) accept. At this point neither has the right to expect the other to change and neither has the right to make change a condition of a balckmail ultimatum. If you are sure they can't/won't change you can always end the relationship (as anyone has the right to end a relationship for any reason whatsoever!) but making the other responsible for your decision is (in existentialist terms) an act of bad faith and is pretty clearly wrong.

So yeah, the person who makes the ultimatum, whomever it is, is in the wrong. Sure some CD's (maybe most, possibly all) actually have no choice and cannot (no matter how much they struggle and try) stop. That is not being selfish and is not (by itself) an ultimatum it is just a fact. In that case, if faced with an ultimatum, it is not the CD being selfish, it is not the SO who is disposable. It is not the CD who's love is insufficient to overcome the problem.

Now if that CD was to say: "I can't stop, I can't make this go away". That is not an ultimatum, it is merely a difficult fact of life that the SO must come to terms with or discover that she cannot come to terms with. I the CD were to say "accept this or we are through and I'll leave you" then they would be wrong.

Finally if the SO can't or won't accept and the CD can't or won't change then (while they sure don't have to like it) any attempt by the SO to prevent the CD from being able to dress (in their own time rather than in shared space/time) such as deliberatly making circumstances difficult to dress or by throwing out the others possessions is absolutely unacceptable and would be, in my opinion, a pretty good reason to end a relationship as it is a violation of individual rights. At the same time rubbing an SO's nose in it would be pretty darn rude (but not at all the same kind of violation of rights, a low act nonetheless).

[linnea]

Given this choice--no contest! Wife and family, for sure.

[Michellebej]

If they asked me to suppress or destroy a part of me, then they really don't love me; do they?

And; if they don't love ME, totally and completely, then why stay with them?

Why should anyone put themselves in a position where they stay involved with someone that doesn't love them?

Michelle

[MJ]

if i were given the choice i would chose the S.O and my family

[Christina Nicole]

Wife and family are more important. Little doubt about that. However, someone who threatens a "loved one" with an ultimatum is someone of whom I would be very doubtful. So if a crossdresser says, "I can't stop." The the SO would say something like, "Then it is your choice to split us apart." Which is partly true, because he crossdresser could always fold, give in to the blackmail, and submit to the other. It's quite likely that this ultimatum will be followed by others, so its winning by losing. In the final analysis, it's a lie because the choice is not a free choice. The outcome is predetermined by the issuer of the ultimatum. And the one who gives in will forever be in a position of the lesser of the two. That's not a marriage.

For example, the terrorist group Allah's Ramalamadingdong take over a school and demand the release of all imprisoned terrorists. Either the government gives into the terrorists, which then know they can get anything they want by taking a school over, or the terrorists kill all of the children and say, "See what you did! All the children dead because of you!" Same principle (or lack of principle) but a far more ugly example that more clearly shows the evil in ultimatums.

Many years ago, my wife made me stop. I purged everything and resented it. But I kept on living my life, though I was getting more depressed. Some else posted about being suicidally depressed. I wasn't at that stage, and being Catholic, I could not contemplate suicide. However, I really didn't care much about anything. Not caring about life when one drives a lot, goes boating a lot, or flies a private plane is a disaster in the making. There were a couple of close calls, but the last straw was when I was flying some touch and goes in a strong crosswind. It became more gusty after a while, but I wanted to try a few more. I lost control of the plane on approach in a strong gust and thought "the heck with it all." Low and slow with a bad attitude (pun intended) is as close to fatal as I can think of. Then I realized that was a really stupid thing and managed to get everything back under control and landed OK.

The way I look at it now, a crossdresser is a better husband than a depressed man or a dead one. I don't flaunt 'her' in front of my wife and she does not make a big deal about it. It's not be best solution, but there are worse ones.

Warm regards,
Christina Nicole

[susie evans]

it would be very hard but family is allways first

susie

[Michelia]

Then again I have the luxury of having a very supportive SO and an understanding ex. I do not wish to be hypocritical in this so I will be careful.

I would never leave my kids under any circumstance. Then my kids know and see my CDing and are cool with it, so how could my SO field this?

But I do not know if I could stay with any lady that would not be willing to compromise and talk about it. I would be willing to do just about anything for my loved ones. And I could probably go without CDing, specially if I know I am hurting someone. But would I do that for such a person? Probably not for anyone with that kind of attitude. I have never had a woman tell me she will leave me if I do not quit drinking or eating or smoking or whatever. I have always negotiated rough spots. But I have walked when my gf just got bossy. I walked when my ex refused to meet me half way on many issues (not CDing). I did not lose my son and gained a daughter.

My way or the highway usually gets the highway with me, for good or bad. It has worked out for the best. I now have the most incredible GG I could ever dream of. And I love her madly.

Michelia

[btmgrl6]

Sigh.

.

Now either its an empty threat as an attempt at control or they really have decided that the problem with whatever it is is greater than their love for you.

Now there is nothing selfish about an SO suddenly discovering their partner is a CD wanting the dressing to stop or even asking their partner to stop but that is as far as it goes. Demanding the partner stops, making it a condition in emotional blackmail is selfish.

.

OMG.......An SO suddenly discovers that the other is a cd'er and she can ASK them to stop,or WANT them to stop, but is wrong (selfish) if she demands it?
Hellooooo...if she suddenly discovers it,then you have been keeping it a secret....an you want to blame her. She didn't have a choice! So she's just supposed to accept it at the risk of being selfish?
Maybe it is an attempt to control...her life,her expectations,her dreams...which maybe didn't include an SO who is a crossdresser.GIVEN the choice I wonder just how may would accept a crossdressing SO, from the git-go. I am not talking about those who accepted it (after the fact),because they were married, or had children.. or happened to love thier SO.
I am thinking not many.. a few, but not too many.
How do we define "an accepting SO"? One who who puts up with it at the risk of losing her mate or breaking up her family....or one who truly doesn't have a problem with it.....and when we say ,Oh my SO accepts my dressing, are we truly being honest (with ourselves as well as others as to how she accepts it?) Or does our desire or need to dress dictate our veiw of that acceptance? if our SO entered into the relationship..eyes wide open a 180 turn might be questionable, But if we kept it a secret, or knowingly lied about it....I don't think a demand that we stop would be unreasonable, and if we cannot and the relationship ends...we have no one to blame ,but ourselves.Because we were the selfish ones to begin with.

Steph

[btmgrl6]

Sigh.

Lets just be honest here.



THEY have already made that choice. Yep. They have. They have chosen that if you don't or can't give up the (whatever, it could be train sets, football, star trek, heavy metal music, ballet, religion, anything!) then they will leave you, stop talking to you etc.



Is this a good anaolgy? Kind of downplays a major issue??:2c:

[btmgrl6]

A final thought from me,then I'll shut up. I am not a cd'er or a gg. i am an in transition tg person. I don't have an SO to speak of. i think this puts me kind of like on the outside looking in. It may seem like i am taking sides, but the truth of the matter is that (and this is just my opinion) I am looking at this as to how I would want to be treated,and how I feel that others wether they be cd'ers ts,tg gg,so...would like to be treated. openly and honestly.Life is very short and for the most part doesn't live up to our expectations. As was stated there is probably no right or wrong answer (other than deceit...wrong)
The right to choose is ours, but there may be consequences....and blaming someone else for those consequences is wrong.again...:2c:
great thread..!!

Steph

[Joy Carter]

She has her bowling !

[SherylynJade]

I was put into that situation once by an ex-girlfriend of mine. Now, I'm with someone I truly love and accepts me completly. She says what I do is no where near as bad or weird as what some other people in this crazy world do.

[Lisa Golightly]

I have always trodden the path of 'Golightly' and yes wreckage is strewn in my wake, but then I'd rather wreck than wind up wrecked in the head. Like the shark the only way to live is to push forever forward.

[Suzie S.]

Well, fortunately I have an accepting wife and was never faced with that ultimatum. It's easy to sit here and say I would choose my wife/family over cding. It might not be that easy if I actually WAS faced with that choice. I love my wife more than anything in the world, so I would have to give it up and tough through it. I wouldn't want to lose the best thing that ever happened to me. :happy:

[RobertaFermina]

For me....

"Division between beings is the necessary precondition for evil"

To "choose between" is itself participation in the propagation of evil.

The person may make an ultimatum, I can only choose to love both the ultimatum-maker and the would-be pariah. My choice is to NOT PARTICIPATE in the ultimatum itself.

Let the one who will divide people make that choice.

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Raychel]

I would choose My Wife, My Kids and My Father. The rest of the world will just have to get over it. I don't know how happy I would be, But that is my choice.

[Kristen Kelly]

sorry i didnt explain correctly, its for all c/d , which ever gender really . & i meant the SO ask you to stop completely !! as in its either the c/d or me !! :o
& to answer the first question, NO i wouldnt expect that of my c/d SO . if i wasnt happy with something connected with the c/d i would say ( which i have recently ). i was very scarred to say things in past on the c/d front , ( for lots of reasons ), but like everything else in life , if you dont ask you dont get !! :rolleyes:


I would say the SO, but I know otherwise I had stopped for 2 years, was not going to do this any more, I became depressed replaced my dressing with eating and gained over 35 lbs. I went to see a shrink to work on my depression when the true reason came out, I did not have a clue this was the cause. Eighteen months later I have lost the weight and loosing more, have accepted myself, and found a life "I" am happy with, with many good friends. Sometimes we don’t make the choice it is made for us.

[Marcie Sexton]

Not to many months ago I was given the choice, and I chose, I gave Marcie up for my wife and family:( ...I hated her, I hate myself and life in general...:Angry3: At that time our marriage suffered terribly, but for some unknown reason my wife had a change of heart. :happy:

This past November I was reintroduced to Marcie with my wifes blessings. Now she and I share so much more than ever before. :hugs:

She has become a supporter of the CD/TG rights and supports me fully.

Although there was damage to our marriage, I am thankful that it wasn't irrepairable. Perhaps it was the glue that has made us so much more close.:love:

My only thought is that it is such a pity that so many SO's and wives remain so closed minded about this subject...after all we are not bad people, if any thing at least in my case it has made me appreciate the GG so much more.

Good luck to all those who are dealing with this same decision and I pray that all you can end up with the same results I did...

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

sometimes lifes choices arent what we really want !! but we endevour to carry on, and deal with things how we can in our best way :o i know what id choose straight down the line !! "love" . they say it conquers all +? :happy:

[vicky lee]

thats me at the moment im in that situation me or my cding hard discission i dont know which way to go if i try to stop i just know it will return

[RobertaFermina]

Ok, so I stop C/D or lose my S.O.?

I still can't deal with ultimatums.

I would do anything I reasonably could to get "whatever I get from C/D'ing" another way, for instances:

If C/D was really a distractive addiction, I would go 12-step, and learn to face what C/D serves to distract me from.

If I was suffering from lost connection with my natural feminine, I would find some other channel of exploratory and integrative therapy to reconstitute and nurture my entire soul.

If C/D was a stepping-stone to something else, I would take tne next step..."Ok Honey, I give up C/D-ing, now its time for Gender Therapy and Hormones and SRS and I'll do it all in Pants!" (i"m facetious and serious here, folks!)


I've got issues being with real women, and C/Ding helps me maintain some feminine connection as I avoid deep connection with women....I face my issues, and set C/Ding aside.

Make up your own possibilities of what to do....


If none of these speaks to me, or works for me, I'm back to C/Ding and the last alternative....

If some alternative plan of action - wholeheartedly executed - fulfills my needs, and restores my sense of wholeness FABULOUS! It could happen !


If NOT?

OK Honey, I'll hold my head under water just so I can keep you!

So now that I've turned blue and face down, she can keep my body, or ashes and not have to deal with the C/Ding.

If I'm lucky, I don't Really have any NEED to C/D !

My dose of reality is: If we haven't exchanged vows, and I can't shake the need to C/D...Adios Honey!
If we have exchanged vows...I've done my whole-hearted best, time for her to come across with hers.

I understand an expression of exasperation....but not ultimatums. I just DON'T!

Maybe that's why I don't have and S.O. ?

[bgirl]

My heart says drop the CDing, assuming it was my wife who made the ultimatum. By the honest answer would be that I have tried to stop and it always comes back, always comes back ,always comes back, always comes back,, always comes back, always comes back, always comes back, always comes back, always comes back, always comes back, always comes back.
The ball is back in the other court because I can't promise and be honest about it.

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

Theres alot of talk of "ultimatums", but ..... in one sense if the SO was so hurt, or scarred of the c/d yet they loved you so much, them asking you to stop, maybe is a plea ?? id never dream of asking my SO to stop c/d ( wev had many a heated argument over such ), in the end i realised a "compromise" had to be reached. @ the end of the day, sadly, if theres no way anything can be done, then perhaps its time to walk away :sad:

[KimberlyS]

Angie, I was given 2 such ultimatums.

The first was:

"you will quit cding period". End of discussion. Well I did for a while, then my cding drive just got worse and worse leading up to the second:

"if our marriage is going to get through this (cding) we need need help and we both need to go to counseling." "And I already have several names" and I do not remember if all of them, but the one she wanted to go to was a family counseling center based within a baptist seminar. The best part of that is she said "we" even though we initially with the intent to fix me.

I was not willing to give up on our marriage and from the look in her eyes it was this or she was gone. I never want to see that look again. No I do not regret it, but I went in knowing it was going to be an up hill battle and it has worked out good for us. Now our marriage is the best it has ever been and we are better at communicating with each other. But I know I still have a lot more improve my communication with my wife.

KimberlyS-CD
Joe in a skirt

[Amy Hepker]

I was put in that place a couple of times and I am still a crossdresser with a different lady that the ones that put me into the place. I even had a wife (now X) that tried to get the rest of her family and my friends against me because I am a crossdresser. It worked a little,b ut she hurt herself more in the end.

[DonnaT]

I've had this question put to me by my wife a few times during our 31 yrs together.

The choice was always her, but since I am trans/CD it wasn't like choosing apples and oranges, where you can leave one behind.

So, the dressing always returned. My wife is well aware that it always will return.

Last time she asked me, I said her, but then told her I'm not going back in the closet, since I can't drop that part of me off in the woods and hope it gets lost. So the answer is BOTH, and the next step was up to her.

Still together.

[siennacd]

I've had to make the decision because my wife couldn't handle my dressing and so I chose family over Sienna. I can hope that one day she will come to terms w/it and accept it.

Sienna

[KimberlyS]

Donna, you saying to your wife

... the answer is BOTH, and the next step was up to her.

Reminds me of about a year into my wife and I into working through the CDing issuses. I had quit CDing as a consession and show of good faith to work on the CDing issues. Well my wife was looking for more compromise and consessions out of me. I looked at her and said. You want me to give up more? I have given up all CDing. What more can I give up. And we know what happened last time I gave up CDing. And that was it just made my drive to CD even stronger leading to the blowup that forced us to deal with the CDing issues.

Not much was said after I said that for the evening. But that statement seemed to be a turning point. What exactly she thought I am not sure and you would have to ask her. But it was like she realized my CDing was not going to go away and we really needed to deal with it and not try to push it aside.

KimberlyS-CD
Joe in a skirt

[Bonnie D]

I was given that ultimatum early on in my marriage but not directly or in so many words. I chose to stay with her and try to stop dressing. That didn't last long and so I kept it to myself and in private. No more was ever said about it and we went on to have two great children. I always found enough time to be home alone to satisfy my need to release my feminine self. In the last few years I have had much less time alone and I've discovered that I am not so alone. I am also eating myself up inside and am quite concerned about my health. I will have to come out soon.

Regarding your question about a direct ultimatum, I would have to choose my dressing because it is more than just dressing. I've always had TS issues since I was young but kept it as secret as my dressing. I recently came out to my mother and she asked me why I got married in the first place. I told her because I met my wife, fell in love with her, wanted a family and was hoping marriage would "cure" me. I love my wife but am not in love with her. My wife recently asked me this because she has noticed something quite different about me in the last few years. I was not quite ready to come out to her at that particular moment. She wants out if things are not going to change. I will have a talk with her within the next few weeks.

In hindsight, I would not have gotten married and she would have met someone else and had a family with that person. I would have eventually accepted my true self and who knows where I would be and with whom. I would definitely be on HRT and either still on my own or with a man and possibly gone through SRS.

[DonnaT]

In hindsight, I would not have gotten married and she would have met someone else and had a family with that person.

Or she would have met an married a bullying abusive husband, as many women have, and been bad off for it.

If I want to second guess, I'd rather think the first choice was the best choice. :hugs:

[Casey Morgan]

in one sense if the SO was so hurt, or scarred of the c/d yet they loved you so much, them asking you to stop, maybe is a plea ??

Yeah, that's clumsily what I was trying to get at. Something would have to be very wrong for her to ask me to choose. Forget CDing, forget the trans issues, there's something at the very core of the relationship that needs to be addressed. There's some need of hers that isn't being met, and it's reached a critical level. That's what we would need to talk about: what need isn't being met, what can we do about that, and how can we keep that from happening again.

Eh, I'm being vague and clinical, but I honestly can't imagine things getting to that point. (It does, but hopefully not if I'm one of the two people in the relationship.)

[Cassy11]

No tough choice for me, it would be wife and family. I know CDing would always be in the back of my mind. Could there be something out there to occupy my spare time, something I might like more than dressing? I guess I would just have to go looking until I found it.

[Sierra Evon]

my CDing / TG , is just simply who i am , like alot of y'all , I just would not give-up who and what I am , I'm divorced and single have been for years , its kinda no brainer , the ultimte decision I guess would just be made for my 2 kids , !!!!!!!

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

if theres children involved as well, its a tough call when its put infront of you !! been happy & been with someone you love ? yet having to sacrifice something thats part of you ?? :rolleyes: tough decision i reckon !! :straightface:

[Christine Andrews]

If I were put in this situation by anyone other than my mum I would have no hesitance in showing them the door. I reject ultimatums because as already pointed out - they are emotional blackmail.

At this time I am a single 20 year old business & management student, living at home and have very few commitments. Since I don't get on with many relations (especially my father) or get to see some of them often I would definitely choose CD'ing.

However if my mum made that ultimatum, which I don't seriously think she would, I would be frozen. I would want to stop with all my heart and soul, me and my mum are very close and always have been. We can read each others minds just by looking at each other and finish each others sentences - so I would say that I would stop.

However having tried to stop and purged several times I couldn't guarantee that I would stop and would communicate this to try and reach a compromise. If one couldn't be reached then there is no doubt I would choose my mum.

As a side, if I were to meet a woman who I felt I could connect to in terms of a relationship, I would bite the bullet very quickly and tell her about my CD'ing and explain that I would want to be honest and that I would never ask her to participate and that she would be priority me - because if we could survive that speedbump it would potentially be a solid long term relationship.

Trouble is, the women who I meet and really connect with are either:
A) Already married
B) Engaged to be married
C) Have boyfriends considerably bigger and stronger than me

But if it is meant to be, it will happen when it happens!

[Jenn2716]

My wife and I are currently on the brink of seperation, but not because she gave me an ultimatum, but because she gave herself one.

We've been together for 12 years (8 of those years married). We've always been totally in-love with each other and have made my cding a part of lives together since year 1.

However, she has reached a point in her life where she doesn't know if she wants to stay married to a crossdresser. The only significant change that has occurred recently is that I've expressed my interest in attending TG support meetings dressed enfemme and perhaps going to a GLBT night club dressed occasionally. This is something that she says that she could not live with, even if I went to these places by myself. When I said that I would not go out dressed and instead stay home to cd, she then said that she knows that I would still "want" to go outside dressed and that I should be free to do that. In fact she says that me being a cd is not really a problem for her. That if we were just friends, she could hang out in public with me dressed with no problem. She just doesn't want the world to know that her husband is a cd.
Basically, she feels like she has "accepted" my cding for as long as she can, and cannot accept it any longer. Her words are that its better for us to move on now while we are still young and find other happiness in our lives.

What is truly making this hard is that we are most definitely soul-mates and can't even fathom how we each would exist without the other. Other than the cding, there is not one single complaint/problem that we have with each other.

She's issued herself an ultimatum: Can I continue to support my husband's crossdressing? or Do I no longer want a crossdresser as a husband?

We are in counselling (both couples and individual) and we are really trying to make the best decisions possible. I'm not sure how long it will take, but eventually we will either move on from this crisis closer and more in-love than ever, or we will begin our lives as newly divorced but still friends.

I'm shattered, disappointed, scared, but still empathetic(sp?) and supportive of her feelings. I need her to do whatever it is that will make her most happy, even if it completely breaks my heart.

[Toyah]

sorry i didnt explain correctly, its for all c/d , which ever gender really . & i meant the SO ask you to stop completely !! as in its either the c/d or me !! :o
& to answer the first question, NO i wouldnt expect that of my c/d SO . if i wasnt happy with something connected with the c/d i would say ( which i have recently ). i was very scarred to say things in past on the c/d front , ( for lots of reasons ), but like everything else in life , if you dont ask you dont get !! :rolleyes:

Ok 2 answers here sometimes SOs are too accepting of all their partner wants, there have to be limits and lines drawn for the CD some do go off the rails somewhat.

I suppose if the ultamatum was drawn then I would leave because Toyah is one of the few things that life enjoyable and bearable. I could and have lived without CDing but really am not a pleasent person to be around if it is taken away totally.

[ronna]

Wow, Wicked, tough choice.
Someone close to me asked me if my SO would leave me if she knew, I said it wouldn't be worth that risk, but it's the risk I take every day (actually not that often) but there's no way I can give it up

[GinaVegas]

No question about it.....my wife and family would come first!

[Kristen Kelly]

My only thought is that it is such a pity that so many SO's and wives remain so closed minded about this subject...after all we are not bad people, if any thing at least in my case it has made me appreciate the GG so much more.

Good luck to all those who are dealing with this same decision and I pray that all you can end up with the same results I did...

This is so true I no longer rush my GF when she is getting ready, I know how long it takes me to get ready. We are great shopping partners although she will not let me shop enfem with her even though I do alot myself. I think I understand women alot better now now that I am out in the real world. To better understand them become one.

[Lilith Moon]

I was given an ultimatum regarding another harmless (none CD) issue and the fact that she gave the ultimatum started the rot in our relationship. We divorced within the year.

[GypsyKaren]

There's another thing I'd like to add to this...ultimatums mean there's no room for compromise, and that's something that makes the world go round.

Karen

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

ty you all for ur views & comments :hugs: it was something that arose within a argument i had awhile ago with my SO, and made me think that it carnt never be really given up !! :straightface: & to be fair to myself i wouldnt expect it of him to do so. All i asked that we set "boundries" with it , which has been done i hope :happy:

[mithali]

well for my i guess will have to let go of the CD part ... its my opinion as of now...

[Lovely Rita]

I am so greatful I do not have the decision to make. I feel for anyone who does. No one could even help you with such a monumental decision.

sorry I could not be more helpful