Why am I so alone

[silent]

The trouble with me is that I purge. I go through periods where the desire to crossdress simply falls away for a month or two, or three. In that time I become a rather confident, witty, intelligent man and seek out the company of lots of women. Then the desire comes back. Its almost a relief when it does but at the same time, this confident, self assured man disappears. I become very meek and moody when dressed in my daily drab clothes. In fact, I become very drab in my life.

I was wiser this time around though. All my clothes were packed up but not thrown out. Certainly, going through the clothes I do notice that some things are going to need ironing, but at least I don't have to go out and spend a fortune as I have done for most of my life.

What I want to know is, are there any others out there that have similar fazes? Are there any others out there that have difficulty meeting similar people because they are fearful and highly untrusting? Are there any GGs out there that absolutely love crossdressers and want to play? Does evey crossdresser you meet want to have sex? Sure, I to get aroused but I can't bring myself to touch another male intimately. I would if I could but.....

All comments welcome.

[Chrissycd]

It's all about learning who you are, accepting it, and building a life that brings YOU joy and fulfillment. It isn't easy, but that's why we're here. We likes to help! :)
Keep your chin up. Tomorrow is another opportunity disguised as a problem. Count me as a new friend.
Hugs,
Chrissy

[Linda-x]

The story of my life. I only purged once, thank goodness, but I do tend to cycle. I used to have very intense periods in my life were I just had to dress, and get out. The desires would slowly fade, and be totally gone. I could always count on the months of late October, and November, to kick off my CD spell. Well, about 5 years or so ago, after breaking up with my girlfriend, and spending more time on the internet, I finally accepted myself, and learned that there wasn't a cure. This revelation seem to take the shame away, and allowed me to dress in someway, and stay in contact with my fem self most of the time, without the cycling. That is, until this summer, when it totally left me for about 5 months. That confused me, and I did'nt like loosing Linda, for that long. I was really into Motorcycling , so maybe that had something to do with it.Anyway, bottom line is I feel that being a T-girl never goes away, but instead stays with, and becomes a bigger part of you, the older you get.

[Danielle1960]

I cycle around too. I think it is normal. The only sugesstion I might add would be to be the confident you because you are more than just a confident man. Your also a woman and you can be confident with that too. I've been working that issue too and its hard. But you know how many people outside of our group can do this? You shouldn't feel ashamed of who you are but try to embrace it and fly!

[Kate_Uhler]

There are GG's who absolutly love the idea of having a girl friend with a 'unit'. I'm seeing two different women who have encouraged me to dress and to go out in public and this was after they met me and dated me as a guy. I feel blessed, yet the sheer statistical aspect of this lends me to believe there are many more out there.


Regarding all CD's and sex. I wouldn't know, no ones come knocking on my door yet.. :( My guess is you are in the majority with regard to your sexual feelings towards other men, dressed or not..

kisses I mean hugs :rolleyes: :p
kate

[Holly]

Hi Silent,

First of all, HUG. Please know one thing... you are not alone. There's a whole forum of girls here that have experience most, if not all of what you are going through... dressing/purging, loss of confidence, lonliness, desparateness, helplessness and hopelessness. Been there, done that, read the book, have the coffee cup.

Don't know if this will help, but give it a try. Life is just too darn short to not celebrate those things that are important to you EVERYDAY. No matter if you're 20 or 120. So DO IT! If exploring your fem self adds confidence to your life, than find out more about her. If being in fem mode brings you peace and relaxation, then turn her loose.

Fear and mistrust are qualities we have been taught to accept by society, because society tells us that we are not normal. To heck with them. There is NOTHING WRONG WITH US! There are others out there who share your dreams, your joys, and your fears. It may take a little effort, but we're out here. Yes, you need to exercise some caution as there are also those out there who would like nothing better than to exploit and/or hurt us. Don't let the fear paralyze you, instead let it sensitize you to caution. What you are seeking is out there. Often the journey is more satisfying that reaching the destination. Enjoy the journey.

[Jiera]

The trouble with me is that I purge. I go through periods where the desire to crossdress simply falls away for a month or two, or three. In that time I become a rather confident, witty, intelligent man and seek out the company of lots of women. Then the desire comes back. Its almost a relief when it does but at the same time, this confident, self assured man disappears. I become very meek and moody when dressed in my daily drab clothes. In fact, I become very drab in my life.

I was wiser this time around though. All my clothes were packed up but not thrown out. Certainly, going through the clothes I do notice that some things are going to need ironing, but at least I don't have to go out and spend a fortune as I have done for most of my life.

What I want to know is, are there any others out there that have similar fazes? Are there any others out there that have difficulty meeting similar people because they are fearful and highly untrusting? Are there any GGs out there that absolutely love crossdressers and want to play? Does evey crossdresser you meet want to have sex? Sure, I to get aroused but I can't bring myself to touch another male intimately. I would if I could but.....

All comments welcome.

This is all so familiar...

I've purged quite a few times. I'm a card-carrying member of the "Purge Often" Club. I'd show you my card but I think I purged it. I've spent money on clothes that I've never worn. I've donated absolutely racy, inappropriate things to the salvation army and to church drop boxes. I've bought the same damn pair of shoes from pierre silber three times.

I wouldn't say I lose the desire to crossdress. In fact, the desire is pretty much a constant, and has been since I was maybe 21. But I DO regularly lose the battle with the part of my brain that says "what the hell are you doing? And why?" So, I purge. And it's been really, really hard when I've done that. I've never been a confident, self-assured man (jeez, I could barely type that), so my internal gender war might be a bit different than yours. But I did overcompensate for a while by either moderately womanizing (mostly for notetaking, I fear) or drinking. Or both. That would eventually fade, and I would start to repurchase clothes. Lather, rinse, repeat. CDing is probably partly sexual for me, but it's mostly mental.

Anyway, before I blabber on about me, I'll close by saying: you're not alone. I don't know if we all go through this or not. I imagine we do. I'd love to say it's natural to feel the way you do, but that's not quite right -- that sort of suggests that we'll never stop purging and feeling conflicted, and I know that's not true. It can't be true. The CD part is the completely natural part for me, and the rest of the world needs to hurry up and recalibrate. But I'd like to offer a prescription: spend time on this forum. Even if you lurk (like me, mostly), you wind up feeling a lot better about yourself and when that happens, it's much easier to deal with these feelings.

Ji

[sarahhotchick]

The trouble with me is that I purge. I go through periods where the desire to crossdress simply falls away for a month or two, or three. In that time I become a rather confident, witty, intelligent man and seek out the company of lots of women. Then the desire comes back. Its almost a relief when it does but at the same time, this confident, self assured man disappears. I become very meek and moody when dressed in my daily drab clothes. In fact, I become very drab in my life.

I was wiser this time around though. All my clothes were packed up but not thrown out. Certainly, going through the clothes I do notice that some things are going to need ironing, but at least I don't have to go out and spend a fortune as I have done for most of my life.

What I want to know is, are there any others out there that have similar fazes? Are there any others out there that have difficulty meeting similar people because they are fearful and highly untrusting? Are there any GGs out there that absolutely love crossdressers and want to play? Does evey crossdresser you meet want to have sex? Sure, I to get aroused but I can't bring myself to touch another male intimately. I would if I could but.....

All comments welcome.


hello silent,

yes we all go through it, it is not easy, but we have to live with it.
cding does not go away, it is part of us.
just wish society was more understanding, that its not our fault it is the way we are :D

i have my lows as well, i just call it PMT. ;)

and i am the same as u on the last bit....................

yes there are ggs out there that want to play, however there are not many, but the ones who like us are great. :D

we are all here for support on way or an other.
i look upon it as my hobbie, something i do for FUN. :)

any thats a ll for now

love
Sarah

[NoraT]

I could cry over all the wonderful clothes I have thrown away over the years. It's a natural part of trying to cope for so many of us.

The last time I purged was about 3 years ago. Since then, whenever I have the urge to purge, I tell myself that this is part of who I am. It's natural and beautiful. If the male part of me can't handle it, that's his problem.

Don't worry about purging. It gives you an excuse to go shopping.

Hugs,
Nora

[Rikki]

Hi Silent,

I won't try to speek for any of the other girls, but for myself I hate to think of all the clothes that I have donated to good will, over the years. I have purged near dozen times and had been in misery during through the purge. I have been so depressed that I have done some pretty stupid things. So, to answer your question, Yeah, I think that we all ppretty much go through the purge at different stages. Once I found this forum, I think taht this is the best thing that has happened for me. I have learnt a lot about myself and that I am not alone out here. Enough of my rambling on. Good luck and we hoppe to read more about you.


Rikki

[Jenibelle]

I just came back after a 3 year long purge after loosing my GF, loosing my Job, loosing my house all of which I kind of blamed on my CD because everything seemed to go wrong after my GF told me I spent too much time as Belle. I purged everyhintg! Threw everything out, shaved my long beautifull head of hair and tried to be a manly man and work out. I tried to be the Man that society puts into our heads. the well built guy with the perfect face, teeth, hair and smile, wearing an expensive shirt and matching pants and shoes. It didn't work for me.

I found that females were not interested in me because of first impression. I literally have the body of a female runway fashion model! I am 5' 10" tall and weigh 125lbs with a 27" waist on a fat day! I also found that without my female dress side I became very introverted and self conscious of everything and everyone. I lost many of my friends (regardless if they new my CDing or not) and was incredibly depressed.

before my long 3 year purge I had one GG friend other than my GF that really supported me. I ran into the old GG friend her 6 weeks ago at the store and she could not believe I was not dressing anymore at all. well we started dating. now just this week after us talking about my CDing past for weeks she got me going again and I feel great! Better than ever! I feel more open and talkative gardless of what gender I feel like.

I right now don't know where my life is going at all but I do know whatever path it takes I will keep my CDing with me at all times. I believe that you are still discovering yourself which is a rough time. stick with it and stay open minded and you will grow and learn what it is to be you. :)

[stevie h]

i too have this constant up and down. However mine seems to yo yo almost daily. Well every 2-3 days anyway. At times I am fine as a gm, (I too can hardly bare to type that). What a bitch. Where was I. Yes and other times I am screaming inside. It is then when I get so fed up if i cant cd. So i know how u feel sort of babe. Anyway i am trying to get on. Life is too short to mope all the time. So bring it on i say, dont analyise, just enjoy. Thinking of you babe.

stevie

xx

[crispy]

the only thing that has purged me of the need to purge is this forum. Thankyou ladies and friends.

only now can I accept that I can be true to myself (if not to my family and friends) and continue to cross-dress.

I won't purge again. I might be in a situation where I have to hide my femme side for a while, but purge - never again! Trouble is, it took more than 40years to come to that conclusion.

[letsdance GG]

I am a fairly new member to the world of CD'ing. My honey of several years was finally able to tell me about his CD'ing.

I know there are many GG's who lose their minds over this. They view it as a threat to thier own womanhood.

Many think they are lesbians if they like the idea, many worry that thier man may want to become TG. There are so many thoughts that cross one's mind.

Simply finding a good partner is hard enough without adding the potential relationship ending "By the way...."

My best advice to you is to go easy on yourself. All of us want to be loved for who we are. Finding a person that loves you no matter how you dress is a goal that I am sure many CD'er have.

I wanted someone to love me faults and all, so it is not that far of a stretch for me to love him dressed or not. Not that I am implying Crossdressing is a fault in some way. It is part of who you are inside and out.

I hope that you hang around here. I have met some wonderful ladies. They offer support and unconditional acceptance. Their input is invaluable. I know that we have learned alot by coming here. I hope you do as well.

[Sharon]

I used to cycle regularly, but I grew tired of going round 'n round in circles. It's more efficient, and satisfying, to ride in a straight line. I just wish I knew where the hell I was heading.

[Sweet Susan]

I have never recycled, cycled, or purged regularly. I can think of only twice in my 54 years that I have purged. Both times I regretted it. Even now, even when I don't feel like dressing, I don't purge, and I continue to keep myself shaved. I love being freshly shaved. I can go weeks without dressing if I want, I can't go three days without shaving. I simply love it. ;)

[Maddie Knight]

I have purged a couple of times but now I try and keep a balance between girl and boy.
What I mean is its important to cd but i think its equally important to be a man. Its a difficult balance to keep but so far I am doing ok in not letting one take over my life more than the other.
I love both my lives, being male and female. :)

[Noel Chimes]

Just like a lot of the ladies here, I too have purged. And I end up regretting it. I finally sat down with my wife and we had "the talk". After that I know that I'll never have to go throught that again.
As far as being "down" when en femme, I end up there too. Why can't people accept me for me. Noel is a part of me and to deny her is to deny myself. Finding this site and being accepted for ME has been a great source of strength and confidence.
As far as intamate contact with another man, I don't think so. i wouldn't mind the occasional eye contact, or maybe even spun around on the dance floor. BUT THAT'S IT. I'm very happy at home with a woman who loves Noel as much as she loves me. Mess that up? NO WAY.
Become aware of what pleases you and work towards that. Be comfortable with yourself in what you do. If you don't like it don't do it. Noel

[derminator]

Definitely have purged several times throughout my cd'ing career (just wish it was a well paid career!!).... however, each time that i purge i always know (deep down) that i will return to my frilly side.

I can even remember once doing a ritual-like burning of all my fem clothes :eek: .... sadly once the fire died down, all that was left was a chargrilled melted plastic goo-blob with a heap of underwires, bra clips etc... still left amongst the goo-blob. Oh, the horror!!!

As I have become older and wser, and i guess more at ease with myself (despite the fact that i'm still definitely in the closet).... the necessity/desire to purge (not sure which is appropiate) has cooled down somewhat.

[Jenibelle]

... but now I try and keep a balance between girl and boy...

yes I think that is part of why I had my complete meltdown and purged. I started to CD and It quickly became an almost full time life for me. Not only did it feel natural but it also got me attention from females and males that I never had before. I dressed soo often I lived as a female 95% of the time and even had a BF for several months after my GF left me. now that I think of it I was very confused at the time.

when I was a secret bra and panties CDer I thought of it as being Bad. then when I realised how it was to be a female amost all the time I did an about face in a short time and said, "I should be a woman." Now I know that I want to be either/or and find someone weather it be male or female that really cares and loves me.

[Sweet Jeanette]

What Im about to say, might seem odd, but here goe's:---I can go to work every day, Be one of "the guys", and feel good about myself.---I can come home after work, and my wife will have my "dress up" laid out on the bed for me. Then, I can become "Jeanette", for the evening.----I do my evening chores as Jeanette, and sometimes, after dark, Jeanette and Olivia, (my wife), will go out for the evening together.---My wife has known for years, that I am Bi-sexual, and she encourages it. She WANTS me to satisfy my other side!---So, on rare occasion, I do.--in dress!---This may sound gross to some of you, but sometimes she even wants to be in attendence!---Sometimes she will act as "lookout", so we don't get caught. ---It has done nothing to hurt our marriage!---I and my Wife have a great marriage, and Great sex too!---Don't get me wrong!-------Now;--is this what you mean by "purging"?---If so, then I do it every day!