Ashamed of one's body?

[Maggie Kay]

When I try to remember how TG developed in my life, I sometimes wonder if what I consider "normal" really is what most folks think. For example, I have always been ashamed of my gentials. I remember as an elementary school boy being obsessed with hiding it in my jeans so that no one would see it. On stage in church or school plays, I would be so nervous that everyone in the audience might see "it". I could never wear a speedo type swimsuit and the baggier the better. Getting out of the pool was excruciatingly embarrassing. I would lie face down on a towel on the cement around the pool to hide the "package". Is this "normal" for males or "typical" for TG'ers ?

[CaptLex]

Well, Kay, I wasn't born with a boy's genitals, but I can relate to what you're saying. Since I can remember, I would never look at myself in the mirror naked, and never wanted any of my sexual partners to look at me either. I never connected this with being trans, however - I just figured most women have body issues and don't like to be seen naked. It was only after I had a discussion about this stuff with my cousin (who LOVES his body) that I realized the real reason I was uncomfortable with mine and my own nudity is because I was forced to face what I didn't want to see - not just flaws, but one huge, major flaw. I hope someday to look at myself in the mirror completely naked and be happy with what's there instead of flinching. :p

[Tamera]

Hi Kay,
When I am in fem mode I always try and hide the genital area as much as possible. Let's face it guys look at a females chest and butt and then check out the crotch area.
Gals check out a man's genital area, so when in drab, I show that off.

I am one that does not like being one gender all of the time. They both gave their good points and bad.

If I was younger and had the support of my family, I probably would have a different life style.
Love,
Tamera

[pocoyo]

When I try to remember how TG developed in my life, I sometimes wonder if what I consider "normal" really is what most folks think. For example, I have always been ashamed of my gentials. I remember as an elementary school boy being obsessed with hiding it in my jeans so that no one would see it. On stage in church or school plays, I would be so nervous that everyone in the audience might see "it". I could never wear a speedo type swimsuit and the baggier the better. Getting out of the pool was excruciatingly embarrassing. I would lie face down on a towel on the cement around the pool to hide the "package". Is this "normal" for males or "typical" for TG'ers ?

Awwwww you poor thing. :hugs:
I would say that was typical TG... not normal for your average male.
I feel the same... only in reverse... I have always felt like that about my boobs :(

[DeeInGeorgia]

While I do not identify as TS, I know what you mean. In high school gym, I couldn't wear just a jock strap under my gym shorts, I had to wear my underwear also. I was extremely uncomfortable showering after gym and in fact tried to get out of it, which gave me a reputation as being stinky. In my later teen years, I was terrified of being seen naked by anyone.

All through school, elementary through high, and even today, I cannot use the bathroom unless I have a stall with a door that can be closed. I was terrified I might be drafted and have to try to deal with the bathrooms the military uses and the living out in the open. Luckily, Nixon cancelled the draft the year I would have bee selected as I had a draft number of 42.

Later on, when I got out of college, and started dating, I didn't think that good women would want a bulge poking into them during a slow dance (boy was I misinformed.)

Dee

[Maggie Kay]

Dee,
I remember now that the major reason I avoided slow dances was so as not to touch the girl with "it". Also, this is why I have always done the "butt in the air" style of hugging with women, even with the wife. Interesting, I assumed that women found "it" as unpleasant as I do. Fascinating. Of course, it makes sense that one should be comfortable with all ones body parts. I guess I REALLY have a lot of re-evaluation to do, at least in my perceptions. Thanks for the input.

[Sierra Evon]

Sorta for me Ive always have been a bit self concious , about my body , and still am today , I prefer to stay coverd up , no low cut stuff , & no sexy stuff , I just like to wear more traditonal , womens casual wear , when i was in high school , although I did'nt dress then , I was simply seen and known as a girlie boy , even at times some girls briefly thought I was one , ass far as at the pool , I dont and will never do the speedo" thing , !!!!!!!!

[Shelly R]

I've never liked the "package" either. High School, PE was a nightmare. Caused me lots of nights with a blade. The males I have been forced to hang with, are different it's the one big thing they have got, not to mention the rude jokes and comments. Here I am a woman in a mans body and I can't say a thing, that's part of the reason I don't like men, too crude.
I kept the name Shelly because that's the name the other boys gave me when I was growing up, sad reminder.
I have always hated my body.

[Kimberly]

I haven't particularly liked my genetalia -- and the biggest thing for me is looking in the mirror. I just don't like the complete image, if full length, of what I see... even a flat chest, I despise.

:(

[Sharon]

I don't think I was actually ashamed of the body, although it caused me no small amount of consternation. It was just the wrong one, as if I had on this inappropriate costume and could never take it off.

I have finally found the zipper, however, and am in the process of removing it for the reality beneath.:p

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Kay

I was always ashamed of my body and how I looked, I hated it. It was especially rough when I was still growing up, so I hid away from people as much as I could. It wasn't until a few years ago that we came to an understanding of sorts, my body and I, a truce, so to speak. However, it's not enough to keep me from wanting and having SRS, it just keeps the chaos down to a dull roar...good thread!

Karen

[joanlynn28]

I have never been ashamed about my body, just thought that my body is more appropiate for that of a woman. In the past I used to frequient the nude beach here so I obiously did not feel bad about myself, but deep inside I always yearned to be the opposite sex. It is just that I never was comfortable as a male, always had low self esteem and as I got older I closed up more and more. It wasn't until the past year that I have opened up and felt comfortable expressing my true feelings. I didn't feel "normal" until I started dressing the majority of the time that I finally felt that I was in my natural state of being. It was then that I finally felt normal as myself, and I can now visualize that my life long dream is actually within reach. It is so close that I can see my goal clearly ahead I just have one more hoop to jump through.

[AmberTG]

I'm not sure how to describe the way I have felt about my body. I have always been thin and not muscular, not manly at all. I've always had difficulty "being a man" in the macho sense. I always thought my body was not appropiate for either sex, not manly enough for a man, and the wrong accessorys for a woman.
I had a lot of mental baggage to carry around for most of my life, it's only within the last year that I've come to terms with what I am, with the help of a therapist. I never liked looking at my face in the mirror, it mostly doesn't match my self image, except when I can see some resemblence to my sister.

[Maggie Kay]

I'm not sure if there is a normal set of characteristics for GID but last night I remembered another experience about body issues. Fifteen years ago, I was in a preventative health program as part of Kaiser's heath plan. I was sitting in a conference room with about 10 men. There was a female nurse doing a presentation about how to examine ourselves for testicular cancer. She passed around an artificial scrotum with realistic feeling testicles inside but one had a tumor on it. We were to feel what a tumor was like so we could examine ourselves. I was the last to get the object to feel. It was very realistic. Suddenly, I was filled with panic. A fear that came from so deep inside, I had no warning. Soon I was feeling faint. I had to interrupt her presentation to tell her I was about to pass out. I was rushed out of the room and placed on the floor in an adjacent office in the dark. I lied there for about 15 minutes and gradually my panic attack abated. I was the first to ever pass out in this program. For years I have wondered why I freaked. Now I know it was because I have a deep fear of my maleness. That my maleness will bring me to harm. SO for me it is actually not only being ashamed of my body, I am afraid of it. Twisted.

[pocoyo]

Hmm it could have been.

Or it could have been the horribleness of the thought of such an illness, while in a pressured situation, which built up and gave you a panic attack.

Or a mixture of both.

Either way... awww poor you :( It really sucks to feel all overwhelmed and faint like that.

.

[Siobhan Marie]

For as long as I can remember I've never been comfortable with my body and could never work out why. Now I know that I am trans, I can say that my body doesn't disgust me, it is wrong for who I really am. The gentitalia is wrong and shouldn't be there. Although it doesn't cause me terror or anguish, every time I have the misfortune to have to look at it I swear at it and tell it what do with itself in no uncertain terms. What does annoy me, in fact what makes me flipping mad is that unsightly bulge when you first wake up in the morning. I do take a lot of comfort in the fact that one day I will be right and I will be reborn. That does help.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[janedoe311]

Do not like that thing down there. Feel naked without breasts. When my wife mentions that thing I feel that she is making fun of me, but I know she is not.

I live with girls (wife and two kids) and when I was a kid I had many aunts and was "raised” by my Grandmother and mother.

[Felix]

Great thread. So here's how i feel. I don't think have ever really felt comfortable with my body used wanted to be a boy when I was about 8, did a lot of things like a boy in private ofcourse. The ironic thing is when I was a young girl and I reached puberty I wanted boobs but now I think it was cos all my friends had them cos when I got them I hated all the looks I got and whistles and wished I didn't have them. I did for some time try to hide them lol bit difficult really cos they were rather large:o so I just got on with them. I never liked them always thought they looked wrong somehow even in sexy bras an stuff. I used to wonder why I never seemed the right shape even when I lost weight.
When I started to exercise and go to the gym I loved the way I looked I was about 32 but I was the only woman in the place who was doing a full body work out and I bet who when they looked in the mirror thought oh I love my pecs. In the back of my mind I wanted pecs lol not what I had. I used to come home and look in the mirror and fantasize about having a chest and a muscular physique! I still want them. Yachica has always said from the back I look like I have the body of a man it's cos of the fat distribution me thinks and maybe that's why I have always been a queer shape because inside I am and do have high levels of male hormones. That would make sense me thinks. Now when I go to the gym I am envious of the men and Yachica is probably right when she says that's cos I want to be one....Big step though so small steps it is and I may never get there but who knows!? As I journey though I am becoming more at ease with my body but that is because I am loosing weight and therefore looking more the way I want xx Felix :hugs:

[MJ]

I would say that was typical TG... not normal for your average male too
I have never been ashamed about my body. i would be happier if "it" was not there but i have to make do with what i got , i am lucky as "it" is not that big so i can get away with a lot more than most... oh and proud to say that too

[janedoe311]

But I understand. Do like to hide my part. Would like to be "smooth down there".

Can not say I am ashamed but embarrassed yes, not that I should be.

[AmberTG]

Personally, I'm looking forward to the shrinkage that happens over time when a male bodied person takes female hormones. I haven't had a spontanious erection in weeks now, actually I haven't had any erections in weeks now, and I really don't miss them. The more it shrinks, the easier it will be to hide.

[Lissa Stevens]

I have never been ashamed of my body. I just always hated it and knew it was the wrong one.

[Question Mark]

I notice and hate my ovaries mostly when they decide it's menstruation time. Otherwise it feels more like they're just not there, which is something I'm perfectly fine with. Also, the two fat deposits on my chest, however insubstantial, are an object of my dislike. :P I think a good part of the reason my posture's so bad is because I started hunching over to try and hide them.

I think I would've been fine with just not hitting puberty. The doctors did all sorts of tests and such when I was thirteen because they were worried that I was hitting puberty late, and probably would've tried to do hormone therapy if I hadn't hit it by the next year. I kind of wish I hadn't so I could've gone and told them off.

There are a few times when I feel like I've been cheated, somehow. I never made a good woman and my body claims "female". But I apparently received a nice bit of testosterone in the womb. It's like my chromosomes were decided last minute, or some kind of mistake. But I've kind of come to terms with my androgyny by now, seeing it as something that is kind of part of my identity and who I am. I don't feel the need to be very buff or anything, just wish I didn't menstruate and didn't have these lumps on my chest. :P

[Margot]

Wow!! I always wondered why I did not like group showers after gym classes. I too have always hidden my genitals in some fashion. I was never comfortable with shape or size (small).
Now I wear very heavy control panties every day and tuck everything away. I makes me feel more comfortable. My wife has never really been happy with sex anyway so she appreciates my tucking and lack of interest. I hope this is not too much information.
:redface:
Margot

[claireswife-gg]

Claire was always avoiding mirrors before she was out to me. Now she has a positive body image and things are much better.

My wrist is hurting so I'm slow typing tonight, but on the gyms and showers note I wrote about something that I had missed entirely about her here:
http://annierushden.blogspot.com/2007/03/drug-free-workplace.html

I'm so happy she's finally getting comfortable in her own body. :D

[tbriannag]

ive always hated down there and wished it was all nice and smooth

[karenstidham]

I too hated my gentital as a child and a teenage, hell I still hate them - I would pull it back thigh to were it look like I had a camel toe bettween my legs and wear very tigh Jeans to help smooth out my boyish butt - I aways had a fleshie chest which look like small breast and at my thinest -6'4" tall and 175lbs and hair down to my ass - I was mistaken for a woman from behind a lot and would love when at a bar someone would come up from behind and start playing with my ass - then they would hear my voice and some would freak out or not - I wasn't really out as a woman but I never stop the roaming gental hand of a man or a woman

I use to wish that I would be in a bad acceident and pass out from the pain and when I woke up the doctor would tell me that I had damage to my groin area and they couldn't save my penis and had to turn me into a girl and give me a vagina

Karen

[Stephaniegirl]

I allways hide mine as well and wish i was flat and smooth down there :heehee: I love looking in the mirror when im wearing my swimming cossie or Leotard because it makes me look like how i should be !
Hugz
Stephanie

[Teresa Amina]

As a very small child (small enough to be bathed but speaking already) an incident occurred where "it" was referred to as my Anatomy. Immediately I called it my "enemy". Interesting......
I don't think I've considered my body a matter of shame, but awkwardness.
That "show off" kind of pride you see in others I think is just immodesty.

[Natasha Anne]

I have never been ashamed of my body. I just always hated it and knew it was the wrong one.

That's kind of how I felt about it. Part of me was resigned to never being able to change it, and part of me was saying, "why don't you listen and just get the heck away from there!"

I often used to have really humorous conversations with myself as the date of my op approached. I'd climb in the bath and say something like, "don't you know you're outta here," to them and laugh at the absurdity of what I was saying.

I just disliked having the wrong genitals and am so glad they're gone now I just cannot express that in words completely.

[kth423]

omg! I hate showing it anytime