Needed space

[marie354]

My SO said she is getting her own apartment 'cause she needs her own space.
She has been very supportive of my CDing and thinks that I should come-out all the way. I've thought about this hard & long. She still wants to be "intimate" friends, but doesn't want to live together anymore.
1. I always have to have the TV or stereo playing and she hates any kind of noise. I need noise to cover the ringing in my ears so I can concentrate on other things.
2. My dressing does bother her & I've told her that I'd quit it. (Well you all know how that will work... Hiding it. And she knows that.) She says that my dressing is a part of who I am and that I shouldn't even try to stop.
3. When in "guy" mode. I quite unkempt... Wear ragged clothes, hair always a mess, don't shave enough, etc. (I don't have many guy clothes any more... Threw most of them out or donated them.)
But... When in "girl" mode... My hair is neat, my clothes clean & crisp, and my skin is as smooth as a baby's behind. (Well almost.)

Sooo I guess that I'm still going to keep "Sam" around... At least until I get a smaller apartment. This place that we have takes about $1300/month to keep up. Heating alone has been $300-$400 per month. I've been telling her for about a year now that we could do with a smaller place.

I was almost ready to come-out full time to neighbors, my depression group, and everyone. I'll have to postpone that idea for a while.

On the bright side, though... I'll be totally free to do what I want, when I want..... After a short delay.... Sandy will be back... Bigger & stronger than ever. (Yea... Bigger too... I've gained a bit of weight too. Glad I didn't donate all those size 12 dresses.)

Well I guess I ranted enough... Thanks for listening.
I don't need any "Oh sorry" replies.
Shix happens and I will deal with it. It just delays my coming out is all.

[Sharon]

It's difficult not to say "so sorry," but I won't. :happy:

Actually, I think this is a good time to come out to your depression group. For the session to have any value for you, I just think you should be honest about this part of your life -- it's integral to you. Perhaps a private one-on-one session would be better if it makes you more comfortable.

Damn, I want to say those two words again.:p

[MsJanessa]

Well all endings are beginings---sounds like youre headed in a new direction.

[Tree GG]

All right, I won't say the words that come to mind. I've always enjoyed your comments here as you appear to be a very positive attitude type person. I'm sadden if you're having to deal with events that deter from that attitude. You have my sincerest best wishes. :hugs:

(Woo-woo, I made it through w/o saying those 2 words)

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

well trying to say the obvious is alittle hard, but not gonna do it . you seem to have plans in your mind hun, so... all i can say is i wish you the best :hugs:

[Daintre]

I wish you all the best, it seems to me that your wife and you have talked this over and have reached an amiable conclusion. As was said before, it is a great time to head off in a new direction and start a whole new you.

[Di]

Hope things work out best for the both of you.:hugs:

[Amy Hepker]

I am sorry to hear that she wants to leave you and move out. I guess you must be real good in bed if she still wants you. Basically that is what my Ex wanted too. She wanted her freedom to be with who ever she wanted, but she wanted me in bed. But she did not want me to have anyone else at the same time. She wanted her cake and eat it too.

[marie354]

I want to thank you all for kind words, it does make me feel a bit better about the decision that we've made. I really didn't expect any responses, just needed to rant a bit and get it off my chest. (Breast?)

We are both adults and I think that we are handling it the best way that we can.

Yes, I am looking at it as a new beginning, and once I get settled, I'll probably have some serious discussions with my shrink and the group before I actually go all the way. I doubt that I can ever do the HRT thing, (Already have blood clots in my legs), But I feel it's the right thing to do.

This will be a major turning point in my life and I'm sure that it is going to be interesting, to say the least. Since I'm single now, travel isn't out of the question, so I may get out and see some more of this country I've lived in all my life. Maybe check out Canada and/or Mexico. Who knows.

Again, thank you all. I'll try to keep you all up to date.

[lynn27]

are you sure that getting caught by the church lady has nothing to do with this sudden move? maybe she feared everyone was talking about both of you and she needs to put some distance between you so she can feel better around the people that might know.

sounds like you two were good for each other. have you tried talking this thru? good luck, hope things work out for the best.:hugs:

[renee99]

The noise thing shouldn't be a big deal, just use headphones right? Sounds like being used as a sexual plaything should be at the top of your list instead...

[marie354]

Well she is opening up a bit about all the why's. Talks are continuing. It seems that a lot of it is about my dressing. Even if I'm naked, she still sees Sandy and it turns her off, but in the same breath she'll say that it's OK for me to dress whenever I want.

I think that I've talked her into at least peeking in on this site and reading a little, so maybe she'll join in eventually. I hope that she comes up with a cute name for herself if she does join.

At least we are talking about it some more. That's a start.

[Suzie S.]

OK, I'll refrain from saying the first thing that comes to mind also. :happy: I just want to wish you all the best wherever your new path leads you! You seem to have a very positive attitude through this, and I'm sure all will turn out good for you.:D Remember, we are all here for 'ya, so bend our ears anytime, and keep us posted! :hugs:

[kittypw GG]

Well she is opening up a bit about all the why's. Talks are continuing. It seems that a lot of it is about my dressing. Even if I'm naked, she still sees Sandy and it turns her off, but in the same breath she'll say that it's OK for me to dress whenever I want.

I think that I've talked her into at least peeking in on this site and reading a little, so maybe she'll join in eventually. I hope that she comes up with a cute name for herself if she does join.

At least we are talking about it some more. That's a start.

Marie,
If I may shed some light on the mixed signals that your wife is giving off by saying it's ok to dress but "Sandy turns her off".
First of all let me say that if you have ever been confused about yourself and felt anxiety, multiply that by 100 and you have the confusion and anxiety that your wife feels. She has no barometer with wich to measure herself by.
Having her join here would be a good idea. As someone who is not a crossdresser and has not ever even fanatized about being with a women sexually it is really hard to wrap your mind around why your husband would want to do this, why would I want to stay, and why would I want to encourage it by participating. Even knowing what I know now, I still get these feelings but at least they are a slight annoyance in the back of my mind.

I started to feel more comfortable when I limited my exposure to the crossdressing. It got to the point that I was engulfed with it and it really isn't my "hobby". This only applies if you are a cd however, ts is quite different and would be hard to limit your exposure.

Try being her man (put some effort into your male appearance) get a nice suit or suit jacket and a nice pair of pants and wear a tie. Plan a romantic evening, don't wear ladies perfume but get some manly colone and don't get it a walmart. The point is to make an obvious effort to be her man and romance her. Check the crossdressing at the door. Replace the image of "sandy" with the stud that swept her off her feet so many years ago.
Think of it as an expirement and see where it goes. I have a suspicion that she is missing her guy.

Good luck :hugs: Kitty

[Bobbi Lynn]

Through threads like this and what evolved from my own situation (way back) I keep thinking "Catch 22".

[marie354]

Things are going a lot better for us now. Thanks to some of the advice given here and her own clicking in on this site and doing some reading without joining. I've toned Sandy down a bit and I think that helps too. Next is the wining & dining to reassure her that Sam will always be there for her. When ever she needs him. For how ever long it takes.

[lynn27]

good, hope you work thru it. i still think having someone you both know see you dressed put some doubts in her mind. she probably saw that as the beginning of you coming out to everyone and she might not have wanted to be with you for that. she is saying "sure, go ahead and out yourself" but it sounds like you'll be doing it alone.

comes down to what is more important. being a little reserved and pleasing her or going all out and splitting up. i'd go with option A.:hugs:

everything in moderation for a while, let her get over this hurdle before you add another. remember she is trying to adapt to your second self, respect that and adjust to her a little.

[Karren H]

I do wish you the best...

But each time I read something about the "accepting SO" and reading the posts by GG's here, the more I keep thinking that the "totally accepting SO" is just a dream or wishful thinking and doesn't exist in the real world... There are always issues, some large like crossdressing itself and some small, but overall there just seems to varying degrees of tolerance.... For what we do.. Kind of a sliding scale from Zero to 99%... With 100% being an asymptote of sorts..... Sounds like its time to develope a formula or two.. The ASO ratio?? Or maybe instad of IQ it's AQ.... Acceptance Quotient... Hehe. And its probably going to have to calculate two separate numbers, one for us, what we think our SO's AQ is and one for them, what their AQ really is because I don't think we see things the same way!! We tend to have pink colored glasses on when viewing acceptence.... Add the two together and divide by two maybe.. Lol. Average AQ... :)

Never mind... Its Friday and I'm babling again.... Sigh.....

Love Karren

[kittypw GG]

Karren,
I do agree that total acceptance is a pipe dream. (except for the rare gg who actually seeks out cd's to get into relationships with). It is easy from your side of the fence to feel unfairly treated by a seemingly non accepting so because you are the ones with the behavior needing accepting. I would like to see how many of you do with accepting your wives if they wanted to come to bed in a grampa t-shirt, stuffed jock strap, boy haircut. How about wearing very masculine clothes, binding or even wearing facial hair on a regular basis? How long would it take you to pass the novelity of it and become tired of playing the game. How would you handle calling your wife by a male name while you are trying to be intimate? I'm betting that if the shoe were on the other foot most men would be gone faster than you could say "hey I'm still me under the clothes". In fact the women who wrote the book "self made man" went on several dates with gg's and most of them wanted to continue to date after finding out the he was a she. She commented that most men would not have done so.
Kitty

[Kate Simmons]

I can only speak for myself Sandy, but I totally understand what Kitty is saying. In my case, I felt it was great being a husband and father but something was missing and that was total "buy in" on my end. My wife, family and friends had conjured up some image of the person they thought I was but it just wasn't so and was phoney. I lived that way for many years but finally could do it no longer. I had to find out who I was and become that person and could no longer be content being that "image" everyone else thought I was. It looked good on "paper" but was not real at all.
For myself, crossdressing was a means to an end to get in touch with my real feelings and my real self. I went whole hog into it and eventually succeeded in my task but what price victory? I gained myself but lost everything else dear to me in the process. All of my feelings are now integrated into Salandra and I am pretty much capable of anything and it matters very little what I look like.
Getting in touch with your real feelings is the hardest part as is being honest with yourself. I found that just pulling a switch to become Rich or Ericka didn't work for me. It's up to you though and is a great adventure to say the least. It is not easy by any means but I felt I owed it to myself to see it through. Take care, my friend.:hugs:

[melissacd]

Marie,

I am s* s*rry. I can certainly relate.

Karren,

I like that idea, two quotients, asymptotic curves, 100% acceptance being a pipe dream - gurl - you got it all figured out :)

Kitty,

You make a very very valid point. I reached a point in my therapy with my wife where I for a brief moment saw things from her point of view totally and started to understand that while I don't agree with her stance (nor do I need to) I can accept her position on all of this and the appreciation of that has allowed me to feel more okay with ending the relationship. I have reached a point where I know it is the right thing to do. Of course that makes some of the things that she is doing now all the more confusing to me (as noted in another thread I posted) however, I am starting to move on with this and I am getting quite okay with the end of the relationship and quite excited to find out what is next when I have moved on.

Salandra,

I hear ya girl...you are right on the money!

Huggs
Melissa

[marie354]

Well the talks are over about staying together. We are definately splitting up.

She wants to get seperate places "for a while". I heard that line before, and I know that she's just trying to be nice and not hurt my feelings. She still wants to be friends though, so I guess that's good.

She talked to the lady in the church who didn't have a good opinion at all, so I know where that lady stands anyway.

I may just take advantage of it and do some traveling this spring/summer.

Thanks gals/guys/dudettes/dudes/ladies/gentlemen. (Did I leave anyone out?)
Love ya' all.
:hugs:

[AmberTG]

My turn! I'm in the same boat as Melissacd right now, for various reasons, not just the CD thing or, in my case, the TG thing. She knew about the CD thing before we got married and didn't seem to have a problem with it. What she had a problem with was me not spending all my waking hours at her beck and call. She's very high maintanence in the need for attention department. She used to bitch if I was fixing her car because I wasn't spending time with her. Anyway, she started seeing other men about 4 years ago. It took me a while to figure it out, but I tried to forgive her and work it out. I was never enough for her though, so she never made a serious effort to stop seeing other men. Also, her high sex drive complicated things, she could have it 3 times a day, every day, and my naturally low sex drive, I was good with 2-3 times a week, maybe even less. Anyway, we haven't slept in the same bed for months now, I told her she could file for divorce and it would go smoothly, or I could file and it might not go so smoothly. She filed, the final hearing is May 7. I've told her she could stay in the house (she doesn't want it, she's always disliked this house) as long as she needed to, for the sake of her 8 year old daughter, but her boyfriend wants her to move to Appleton with him this summer so we'll see how that goes.
I've thought about transition all my adult life, but I always put it off because of the relationship, I only seriously considered starting when I realised that there was simply nothing I could do to save the relationship. She uses the TG issue to justify her actions now, but she didn't have that excuse 4 years ago when she started seeing other men. I was willing to stay a CD at that time, and I never threw it in her face, I did it when she was at work, our shift's being different. She spent most of last summer living at her mother's house, but came back here in the fall for the kid's school schedule, plus, she likes me around to take care of the childcare issues when she's working, how convenient for her!
Marie, I know what you went through and are going through, lots of mixed emotions! If your wife is set on moving out, you might as well make the best of a bad situation and learn to live alone for a while. It's not been easy for me, but talking to my therapist about it has helped me sort it out. Funny thing, we talk about my other issues more than my TG issues, after all, the TG issues are only part of what goes on in my life, depression comes from several places and you can't ignore any of them.
Marie and Melissa, good luck with your changes and I hope you find more happiness out there.
Amber

[Lovely Rita]

I trully wish you the best and hope it all turns out well for both of you.