my rant...

[Vallari]

I think I have hit a low spot this week in my life. I think for the first time in my life this week I truely felt what disgust truely is.

I find that when I ask people for simple things, I have to encounter obstacles. No matter how stupidly-simple the favor is. The kicker here is, I don't ask my friends for favors much. I also notice that when people ask things from me, I never here the end of it until they get what they want. I feel disgusted with both myself and just about everyone around me in my life here right now. Sure one can tell me "dont be a doormat" and the like. I dont wanna be one. To be honest I really just disgust myself and don't know where to go. After thinking things through it seems that no matter which way I choose to handle things in my life, I get screwed somehow. Believe me, I analyzed this for some time regaurding my situations and this is pretty accurate.

Even my parents - they seem to be of no help anymore. When I explain problems all I get back is "get over it" and "put it behind you" and the like. In other words, nothing that really helps at all, just crap (for lack of a better word). This is just one of the many problems whirling around in my mind. I don't even want to attempt to even scratch the surface of the others here in this thread.

I am seeking counseling, and get a little less than one hour a week to discuss these feelings. I can't talk to family, because as we all know from expierence regaurding this stuff they're generally useless to you, unless your one of the lucky few that have accepting and understanding families of course. My parents recognize my CD'ing but don't like it. My dad has came out and said this. My mom has yet to say it herself. It's been a cold dead issue lately and everytime we manage to have a serious conversation about it my dad throws a hissy fit and as usual my mom cries. Can't talk to my roommates about it becaue I really don't like them. They break rules and I'm really the odd one in the apartment group. I don't even really like the school situation I'm in right now. No counselor's are at my college that can be useful to me. My roomamtes break rules and do things that would get us all in trouble and fined heavily by our apartments. If I tell the school, I may face retaliation from roomamtes, as it wont be hard at all to figure out who told. If I keep silent, they will eventually get caught and we all will get in trouble and have to pay fines, etc for it. Frankly, I cant wait to get caught just so I can cuss out the school admin and use that as an excuse to leave there for good.

Lately the program I'm in at school bores the living s**t out of me and it often hurts my head in the morning when I wake up just thinking about having to sit through the mind-numbing blandness of these classes for up to three hours at a time. Some mornings I wake up and just go right back to bed again, usually because I'm too tired and/or feel queezy,etc in my stomach about whatever problem in my life is currently bugging me. I really don't care for that school, yet I'm already 2 semesters in, so Im stuck as far as i can tell. As an added bonus for me, this school is out in the middle of nowhere, 100 miles from Austin, where my real life is. I swear the only real reason I go up to Waco anymore is because of my computer up there. So a simple trip to and from waco is 200 miles easy. This weekend in particular due to scheduling I get to go back and forth 3 times, befor Mon, for a grand total of 600miles in two days.

I cant talk about any of this stuff with my friends because Im sure they could either a: could care less, or b: be uncomfortable talking about my particular issues. If my parents find out about my current situation in school theyll most likely finish me off and take away this pc, claiming it's distracting mee to much from my studies. So if that happens, I have no damn clue what to do at that point. Im franky to scared and ashamed to consider it.

As for people telling me to just let these personal problems go, its not that simple. If itt was, believe me, theyd be gone long ago. These things cut real deep and hurt me inside. Lately I have been so anxious to solve these issues I often look at myself and fear Im becoming obsessed, which is what I dont want. But Im so hell bent on trying to get by these things lately it's been #1 on my mind. Currently my biggets issue is on the verge of being solved for good - i hope. Im waiting on a friend to send me something so I can get over this for good - an email address. Simple as that. Once I have this email address I can send this letter that explains my feelings to someone who I feel needs to hear them. Thats all it is, an email address. Last week I was told after I asked for it that I would have it that afternoon. Its seven days from that date now, and still nothing. Getting in contact with this friend has been extremely difficult these last days as well, making things even harder. I dont even feel good anymore about solving this because ive been waiting to do this for soo long now. This angers me now because the only way i feel that will put this problem behind me now is now full of angry feelings and resentment. So now I have no idea if this will even help me anymore, that is if i get the email address at all.

I ahve just spent the last week putting up with all this and within the last hour these feelings got out and i ended up destroying the old keyboard to this pc. i just got back with a new one and here i am now.

It just feels like when i tell people my feelings they just right them off, tell me something simple like "get over it" or just laugh and joke at me about them. It hurts.

Now lets take all these issues and combine them with my cd'ing. Lets also add in politics because theres really no escaping that nowadays anymore anyways.I used to be a democrat, but I really just gave up on both parties all together because they both disgust me soo much. Going with a third party is useless because they wont win anyways. Dont even get me tarted about religion or the war in iraq. I always find myself caught up in debates about how being gay is wrong, etc. There just doesnt seem to be any rest anymore.

nobody has to respond to this, i just wanted to get these feelings out because i really have no idea what to do now. I dont know if theres anything i can do now. I guess I can wait around for my "friend" to quit dragging thier ass around and get to helping me out in life for once. I'm more than sure my friend will fail me though in the end anyways.

[Tristen Cox]

Hey Val. I want to cheer you up but really not sure how at the moment. You're in a losing battle with your parents I'm afraid. The more you try to get them to listen it sounds like they are putting up the wall. I've been there too and got to the point where the questions I was asking no longer could be answered by them. No one else had the answers either. If I did try to talk to any of them they'd all just say that's life or act like I should get over it.

If you can get outside counceling then that should give you some kind of outlet to work things out. But to me sounds like you really need to go out and have some fun more often to take your mind off things. As I said I wish I had a better answer for you.

I've been a little short with you lately and I really do apollogize for that. Probably nothing much you can do about your room mates except put up with them or find someone to (in a roundabout way) let the right authorities know what they are doing. Myself I hated school toward the end but you do need to try and stay there as long as you can and get the most out of it.

I know these problems don't go away but talking about this stuff always sheds some light on how you are dealing with everything. That's one thing I never had when I needed it, they all just turned their back on me as a person unless I could do something for them and make them happy. I always wondered when are they going to be there for me and help me be happy. Never happened. The hardest part of my life was from the time I was 17 til 25, going through the process of learning what I was inside and how that was effecting my outlook on things. Now add the CDing and unknown transexuality(at that time) and you've got a very depressing case.

I'm only saying all this and posting to let you know you are not alone in what you are going through. And I don't miss that part of my life one bit at all. There's light at the end of the tunnel. So hold on to that hope if nothing else. It will get you through some thick points, but you've got to believe in you, and not because I or anyone else told you to. Do it for yourself.

On a lighter note(don't take this the wrong way either), you need a man bad Val...LOL :p Talk to you later when you have a chance. And I am glad to be your friend.



Love ya
Tristen

[Sharon]

I think you just need someone to listen to you Val. I'm here whenever you want an ear.

[Holly]

Val,

Wow, girl! You have had a tough time of it. I wish I had a magic wand I could wave and all would be right for you... sorry. Unfortunatley life is not always fair and rarely is it easy. I don't want to burst your bubble BUT that's the way it is and will be. It's not that I don't care, Val, I do... very much. I don't like seeing my friends hurt (and you are my friend), I don't like seeing my kids hurt, I don't like seeing my family hurt. So with that being said, here's what I have to offer you... 1) I have a really broad shoulder, feel free to lean on, cry on, or otherwise utilize it in any fashion that will bring you comfort. 2) An ear that listens well (as long as the hearing aid battery isn't dead... lol). Please feel free to bend it as often as you feel is necessary. 3) 58 years worth of experience in living life, including great joys, deep sorrows, and imense pain at times. I'm living proof that survival is not only possible, but is likely. I am more than happy to share these life experiences with you upon request. 4) A little diversion to take your mind off the hassles of the day often will provide some relief. It won't make the troubles go away, but more often than not, when you go back to them, you can see them in a different perspective and find new ways to attack them. If you just want to talk about stuff, I'm here.

Val, here is some unsolicited advice and please feel free to take it for what it's worth. Finding peace and contentment in life cannot happen until you find peace and contentment within yourself. There are some things that we can have an effect on and change and there are some things that we cannot do a darn thing about (like the person that is supposed to be sending you the email address, for example). There is much wisdom contained in the Serenity Prayer... it goes like this, "God grant me the knowledge to change the things I can, accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference betwen the two." If you can figure this much out, you'll be a long way down the road to being at peace with yourself.

One last thing... DON'T GIVE UP. In the end, it is worth it.

[Julie York]

Hi Val. Here's some advice then.

You're depressed and when you are depressed all the stuff that is weighing on your mind gets all muddled in together.

So make a list. Then you might find a theme, or a weak spot. Climb outside the muddle.

Your problems as you stated them are...

Lousy course that doesn't interest you.
Lousy colleagues.
Parents who won't listen.

The parents , you can't do much about unless you can find some way of educating them. But can't you change your course? Change where you live? Swap rooms with someone? Kick start your social life somehow?

It sounds to me that you are depressed with college (school, whatever) because you don't fit in with the people you have found yourself living with. That would depress anyone....No-one likes to feel left out. And living with people with a different agenda is a pain.
And your heart really isn't in doing the school work because you aren't interested. That's cool. Time to make a better decision then? Most folk set off in one direction and then change it. Art and Beauty Therapy course next time?

Write a list of everything....I mean EVERYTHING that is getting you down and you'll see the weak spot once you've got it out of your head.


OOps, sorry times up. That'll be £30.00

[Vallari]

Thank you everyone for your support and advice here. It's just been a rough few weeks here and I guess all these feelings and things just finally got to be too much and just spilt over. I got to go to a winter ball type thing last night with my best friend and we both had a great time. That helped things a lot and my mood has been better since. I was able to talk with my friend about the email thing and that helped because I at least have an idea where we stand with that, so that's better then it was last week.

I've decided to start attending meetings in Waco with others like me en femme when I can, so that should help by making life more enjoyable up there as well. I'm also hoping that this will increase my enthusiasm about college stuff as well.

Anyways, todays a new day, tomorrows a new week, and hopefully it will bring with it more progress then theres been the last few weeks. But I just wanted to say thank you again to all of you who offered help and advice here. It means a lot to me. :o :)

[Stephanie Brooks]

Hi Val!

Who are you?

What do you want?

I see you doing things you don't want to do. Why do them?

Yes, you need to be self-reliant at some point. School is a great place to get a foundation for that, if it is appropriate for you.

What interests you? What classes do you like? What classes don't you like? What classes must you take regardless of your desire? What kinds of things might you want to do when you're out of school?

Your roommates sound like jerks. Why are you living with them? I imagine you've got a commitment you must meet for this school year, so this may be something you cannot change for this year. However, is there a possibility to change it anyway? (Asked another way, could any of them break their commitment? If so, why not you?) What about next year? What can you do to change the situation for then?

It sounds to me as if you've got lots of crummy situations. I've had those, and I can assure you my life isn't perfect. I've found that for me I need to take care of ME, not someone else.

If you're doing things for people and they're not reciprocating, guess who's welching on friendship? That's not friendship, by the way. There are people for whom I'd do most anything, and they'd do the same for me. They're my friends. Those who expect me to do things for them without giving anything in return receive exactly as they give.

Regarding friendship, I'm not talking about "buying" friends. That's not friendship. Friends give. Sometimes it's just being at the other end of a phone, but that can be the most powerful gift one can give and receive. Sometimes the gifts friends give are so great that we must overlook other problems, such as lack of reliability on less-than-important issues.

On people and what they say, one horrible thing I've learned to do is this: I listen. I listen to what people say and, when they say something that is stupid, incomprehensible, or just plain bizarre, I ask, "What do you mean?" "I think you just said ____. To me, that means ____. Did you really mean that?" Put the onus back on them to justify their own statements!

Below are a couple of links for you. In a nutshell, I think it is time to start thinking about YOU. Yes, you've got a lot of lousy things in your life. It's time to "clean house".

http://www.lendingexpo.net/ideam-9169.htm
http://www.indianchild.com/life_is_a_theater.htm

Just my two bits. Hang in there Lady. Hope this helps!!!!

*BIG HUGGLES* Val!

[Marlene4a]

Val:

I know what you are going thru.
We have talked before ( via yahoo in a group)

Anytime you want to gab, the line is open.

Me

[racheal]

That is really deep Valari, I am sorry to hear what is happening to you. The parents are the hardest stumbling block of them all to tell you the truth. I have not told mine yet - Lord know how they'd react. At least there are people here that can listen and help you out. I don't wuite know what to say to you at this time, but I'll give it some thought. Keep your chin up Girl, when one feels that they've hit bottom, there is only on way to go - upwards.