Acceptance

[Kate Simmons]

When Country Gal posted her thread about "Food for Thought", it really gave me something to think about. Nic is living the life that I always yearned to have myself my whole life, that of being a loving supportive Wife and Mom. As far as I am concerned, nothing would be greater than that. It just reminded me how nice it would be and how much she loves being herself and loves her family. There but for the grace of God (and that damn Y chromosome) would be me. Can't cry over spilt milk (or hormones) however.
That being the case, it got me thinking about acceptance. I'm not talking about acceptance by society or friends, I'm talking about acceptance by myself. I get the impression from reading many threads here that some gals get frustrated that they cannot be the woman they want to be and I used to feel the same way. That causes no amount of heartbreak and sorrow. Working on the problem, I finally decided to lift up my head and get over it. Wallowing does not become me, so I finally decided to accept the situation and reality as it is.
It comes to the point where you have to crap or get off the pot and make a decision one way or the other. Some come to the conclusion to transition, which is fine and commendable but some of us just want to express our feminine feelings outwardly. History has more or less proven we can all function in either or both roles despite our physical equipment. That being the case, I've decided to accept myself for who I am, as I am and that is the basis for everything I now do.
I don't regret having been a man one iota and have loved being a Husband and Father. There is, however, another dimension to me that most men don't have and that is the capacity to also look at things from a feminine perspective. As I see it, there are two choices: Either reject it and deny it or accept it and embrace it, I've chosen to do the latter. I've become a better person for doing this. Most men are solitary thinkers, planners and doers, while most women are interpersonal and go with consensus. I've managed to integrate these two methods into one and the results are fantastic.
I'm not simply one or the other, I'm both and have accepted that and use it to makes things better. Self acceptance is the key and is the factor that is going to determine if we are accepted by anyone else. Being yourself and showing you are not going to compromise that for anything gives you not only respect from others but self respect as well. CDing is really only a very small part of this and the inner person is the one who really counts when all is said an done. By accepting myself, I realized that what I do and who I am really does mean something and that is the important thing to me.:happy:

[kerrianna]

:love: :hugs: Very well put Salandra. You're a great example to many of us here. You're right. If you long for something that you might never achieve, then take the best of what you can and make it work for you.

You can fight and fight, but unless you're willing to spill blood (literally) you need to find what it is you can embrace and let go of the rest.

[Amanda Shaft]

I agree with your gist, if you can’t be true to yourself and to value that truth then who will? However peer pressure exerts such a strong influence over us especially during those younger informative years that it is almost impossible to see our own cding as something that is ‘normal’ and therefore it becomes hidden and secretive producing self doubts and insecurities. It has taken me along time to be comfortable with myself despite the ‘image’ I portray in my everyday life. My SO said to me once “You think you’re right all the time!” I said: “No, until I was thirty I thought I was right, after that I knew I was!” Amanda x

[Suzie S.]

Salandra, what a great post! Very eloquently put! Self acceptance is a key ingredient. Your words of wisdom, as well as many others on this forum, have greatly helped me in understanding who I am, and why I do what I do. It has been a wonderful therapy for me to interact with everyone here. With your permission, I'd like to print your post, as it is well worth saving! :hugs:

[Alyshia121]

I don't even know if this needs a reply. I think you've pretty much said it all.

[Brianna Lovely]

Very well put.
I too have traveled the path of self acceptance, And as far as societal acceptance goes, I went shopping yesterday, wearing a skirt, fem top, green hoop earrings and a green necklace and wore light lipstick and mascara.

Now, just maybe, one of the thirty or fourty children that saw me, later said to their mom, "That man was dressed like a lady. Can I wear a skirt too?"

[Dana921]

I enjoyed your thoughts!

I am always amazed (probably should not be) that after accomplishing a personal growth that I find 90% of the barriers or obstacles I felt I had to overcome were put there by myself!

Dana

[Felix]

Hi my friend and Wow well said in all areas. It makes a lot of sense to me cos I know I also have both aspects even though I know feel my masculinity dominates some what. I am proud of my feminine side my children and being a mother. I have learned quickly to accept myself for who I am and I deal with the emotions daily like a lot of us on this forum. I have realized that I must be me and that way like you said I have gained more respect from ppl around me. I'm more or less out to most of my close friends now and the rest well they have probably guessed by now anyways. Thing is not much point to me makin a big song and dance about who I am if ppl wanna know they will ask. If they do I will try to explain in a simplistic way like I have done with my closest friends. I know the kids in school see me for what I am lol they have dropped miss in most cases and just call me F***** my surname kinda gender neutral :heehee: I don't mind it's easy for them and for me. Quite a few have asked me if I'm a Tom Boy and I just say Yeah if that's how ya see me it seems to work. It's strange but I kinda feel because of the reality of my situation I might never go on 'T' but I'm not stressed about it. If I get the opportunity I might If not then tough :p Live and let Live that's what I say. Love ya all xx Felix :RND1: :hugs:

[Daintre]

Salandra, I sure have to agree with all that has been said. I have come to embrace my duality, at one time I was ready and willing to end my life because of my non-acceptance of myself. I thought that if I couldn't be female what was the use of continuing. It took many years and a wonderful therapist to allow me to see that I was both.

Thanks for a great thread.

[Casey Morgan]

Hopefully you know I agree wqith your entire post. I just wanted to make some comments about some specific things you said.


When Country Gal posted her thread about "Food for Thought", it really gave me something to think about. Nic is living the life that I always yearned to have myself my whole life, that of being a loving supportive Wife and Mom. As far as I am concerned, nothing would be greater than that. It just reminded me how nice it would be and how much she loves being herself and loves her family. There but for the grace of God (and that damn Y chromosome) would be me. Can't cry over spilt milk (or hormones) however.

I know what you mean. My psychologist and I have talked about me being a househusband but darn it, it's not quite the same. :(


There is, however, another dimension to me that most men don't have and that is the capacity to also look at things from a feminine perspective. As I see it, there are two choices: Either reject it and deny it or accept it and embrace it, I've chosen to do the latter. I've become a better person for doing this. Most men are solitary thinkers, planners and doers, while most women are interpersonal and go with consensus. I've managed to integrate these two methods into one and the results are fantastic.
I'm not simply one or the other, I'm both and have accepted that and use it to makes things better.

That's been one of the most remarkable things about this whole experience. I knew (oh boy did I know) that I had a male aspect and a female aspect to my nature. And it's been very nice to let myself experience both aspects. But you're right, when you integrate them you end up with something that is very much a case of the whole being greater than the sum of the parts. There's like this extra dimension that can't otherwise be accounted for.

It's this really odd symbiosis between the aspects that just opens up possibilities that simply weren't there before. And it brings with it an indescribable joy, a lightness of being, a sense that finally, finally, THIS is who I am. After so many years of not feeling quite right somehow I feel right, oh so right. And not only is it impossible for me to now tease apart those aspects, there quite simply is no need to. An alloy just is, there's no reason or even purpose to think of it as its constituent components.

And that symbiosis cannot exist until you first accept all of who you are and then accept that you are all those things mixed together.

[marie354]

Salandra, I just love your insitefulness and logic. You have really put a lot of things to light. Well done, my friend!

[melissacd]

Salandra,

I love what you said, it resonates with something I wrote about a year ago. I have included the writing in this thread as I feel that it is very complimentary to what you said. Thanks for sharing your wonderful and always valued thoughts with us.

It is important to note that this was written a year back when I still believed that I would be able to work things out with my wife (hence some of the references at the end of the document that do not apply to my specific situation anymore). Sadly that did not happen, however, in spite of that I feel this stuff still applies.

Huggs
Melissa

The Long Road To Acceptance

For many of us the road to acceptance has been long and painful. Some of us are lucky enough to reach total acceptance of their cross dressing early in life. Some never get there at all. The rest of travel this long arduous road, fraught with obstacles and painful experiences.

For me, the past few years have been an extraordinary learning process. The most important lesson that I learned is that acceptance starts within. If you cannot accept yourself then the world will not accept you either. Once you accept yourself, the world changes.

Many of us have spent much of our lives hiding and repressing this side of ourselves. We have tried so hard to rid ourselves of what we have been led to believe is a sickness that we must be cured of. Cross dressing becomes associated with so many negative feelings (guilt, sadness, anger, self condemnation, embarrassment) and experiences (the angry reaction of others to discovering your secret, harassment by those who do not, cannot understand) and so we learn experientially that this is considered a bad thing, something we must be rid of.

We travel along this bumpy road, trying to run away from it and yet always drawn back. We get mad at ourselves and wish that it could all just go away so that we can get back to living a normal life, whatever that may be. We go through such personal pain and we cause such pain in the ones that we hold dearest to our hearts. If someone were to step back and look at all that we have put ourselves through they would think we were mad men to go down this path and yet we do. Something compels us on, something we cannot explain.

We suffer the slings and arrows of so many things and yet we persist. It is that persistence coupled with self-reflection that starts to awaken something in us. As we struggle to learn more about cross dressing and the experiences of others we begin to learn something about ourselves. We start to learn that there is a place inside, a part of who we are, that is trying to get out, trying to bring us back to wholeness, trying to reclaim our humanity. We, if we let ourselves, begin to understand that this thing that we have been hiding, that we have been trying to repress, is an integral and essential part of who we are. We begin to realize that this act of repression distorts our real personality robbing the world of the gift of our authentic self.

I suppose that is why I read so often that when a cross dresser finally reaches a level of internal and external acceptance that they suddenly feel like they are themselves for the first time in their lives and it feels good.

So on this long journey to acceptance, the first hurdle that we have to jump over is the acceptance of ourselves, of all of our glorious being. The acceptance of others cannot begin until we accept ourselves. If we accept ourselves, really accept ourselves, then we carry ourselves with a new level of confidence and others begin to accept as well.

This I believe is the reason that we read about others who have been out in the world dressed en femme, but perhaps not passable and yet others for the most part are okay with it. Yes there can be instances of bad experiences as in all things; however, my observation has been that those who accept themselves, who walk in the world with confidence, who do not have an agenda other than to be themselves are generally tolerated.

The long road to acceptance then is not so much about the society that we live in but rather it is more about ourselves, our belief in who we feel we are and our willingness to live that truth.

The sad part of this non-acceptance and this lack of self confidence and self esteem in who we really are is that through this process of denial we do things that ultimately are unfair to and hurt others. The biggest hurt and the one that I have personally caused is a hurt to the person I love most in my life, my significant other, my wife.

Through my lack of self-acceptance, I lacked the courage to acknowledge who I am and therefore I pretended that I did not need cross dressing in my life. It was only after many years of being married that I realized that I could not “not” be a cross dresser, however, I was still too weak in my self acceptance to admit that to my wife so I cross dressed in secret. It is no wonder that when she finally found out that she went into a rage that has lasted for almost 9 years. It was a broken trust, a trust she bestowed on me. She had every right to feel hurt, betrayed, angry, resentful. My lack of belief in myself allowed me to hurt her in ways that should never happen in a relationship.

Why did I not tell her before we became a couple?…because I loved her, because I was afraid she would leave if she knew about that part of me, because I did not have enough faith in the strength of our love to survive such a revelation, because I thought that I was done with cross dressing forever, because I believed that love could overcome my need to express my feminine side, but mostly because I did not accept this as a part of who I am.

Many years have been wasted in pain over this and my wife and I are now beginning to try and resolve this issue between us. I have reached a point in my life where I accept that I am a cross dresser, that it is perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of. I know that this acceptance will help me going forward in my life. It has taken a long time to get to this place and I am glad that I have arrived. I still have many obstacles to overcome, however, my new found acceptance will help me to bring my whole personality into alignment and will bring the real me to the forefront. It will help me to be a more authentic person.

The biggest obstacle that I will have to overcome in the immediate to short term future is to take that new found acceptance and use that as a tool to, in a loving, caring, patient way show my wife that I am still the person that she fell in love with, that I still love her dearly and that I want to find a path to a future that satisfies both our needs in a way that we can both be happy together. There has been much pain and a broken trust is hard to rebuild, however, I maintain hope that our ability to stay together these past 9 years since the matter came in to the open is a testament to our love for each other and a sign that in time we will be able to heal this wound and be happy once more.

[GACountrygal]

Hey Salandra,
Great thread, and very deep thoughts! Its all about accepting yourself, who you are, and every part of yourself. Glad I was able to inspire your (i think) and enjoy this new part of your journey!! :hugs: :hugs:
Nic

[MsEva]

Wow, what a great, cogent and thoughtful post! Very well said honey.

[Kate Simmons]

Thanks everyone, I really enjoyed reading all of your heartfelt responses. This is what I love about you folks here on the Forum, you are not afraid to express your feelings. After I read them, I just broke down and cried and I'm not afraid to admit that one bit. Just me being me.:happy:

[Alice Torn]

The Dynamic Duo!

[susie evans]

salandra you are right i fought that battle in my mind for years and finely accepted the facts and now can realy enjoy the best of both worlds :hugs:

susie

[kerrianna]

Thanks everyone, I really enjoyed reading all of your heartfelt responses. This is what I love about you folks here on the Forum, you are not afraid to express your feelings. After I read them, I just broke down and cried and I'm not afraid to admit that one bit. Just me being me.:happy:

:happy: hehehe, I was crying too Salandra, reading the replies. Especially Casey mentioning an indescribable joy and lightness of being. I was just feeling and thinking that today. How happy I am to have connected the dots and how excited I am that I am becoming a more complete, compassionate being.

Oh sh*t, I made myself cry now! :happy: Good thing I'm not wearing mascara tonight. :love:

[Sheri 4242]

There are some powerful and profound insights in Salandra's post and in those of many who added to the thread. Casey said, for exampe, "I knew (oh boy did I know) that I had a male aspect and a female aspect to my nature." Wow!!!

That says exactly how I have always felt, and I am sure it describes the way many of us feel -- a " dichotomie feminine' " Before I married my second wife -- my true soulmate -- that is exactly the way I put things to her . . . that I had a male aspect and a female aspect to my very being. It took a while for her to grasp the complexity of it all, but this basis helped!

And Melissa, your elequent comments are so all-encompassing! If I can center on one thing you said it would be:


Salandra,
The biggest obstacle that I will have to overcome in the immediate to short term future is to take that new found acceptance and use that as a tool to, in a loving, caring, patient way show my wife that I am still the person that she fell in love with, that I still love her dearly and that I want to find a path to a future that satisfies both our needs in a way that we can both be happy together. There has been much pain and a broken trust is hard to rebuild, however, I maintain hope that our ability to stay together these past 9 years since the matter came in to the open is a testament to our love for each other and a sign that in time we will be able to heal this wound and be happy once more.

As I thought about all that Salandra, Melissa, and everybody said it came to me that the road to self-acceptance I have traveled has been hard, but worth it!

I am also VERY lucky to have a supportive and accepting wife!!! That said, if there is one thing that I could relate to any unmarried CD from what Melissa said, as well as from my own experiences, is be honest before your vows -- in fact, as early as possible in your relationship!!!

[Lovely Rita]

Here, Here, I agree that self acceptance is vital and so important to our well being. We are all different but self acceptance is crucial.

Love your self and Love others the same way.

[Karren H]

.... got over the acceptance thingy a long long long time ago..... Now it's fun..... the way it should be!!

Karren

[RobertaFermina]

Salandra,

You captured my feelings better than I could...especially because my self-acceptance is being tested. Not everyone around me is accepting, and I am working on being accepting of their non-acceptance. The trick is to fully accept myself, and those who don't accept me. I know it will take a lot of stress out of life, and it is a deeper level of acceptance than I have ever had.

Working on it !

:rose: Roberta :rose: