Telling Your Wife/Girfriend

[kenasbarbie]

I have been a closet CD for over 30 years. I am now happily married, and would love to be able to share my CD'ing with my wife.

The problem I have, is that if I introduce it or bring it up, she will be turned off, and who knows what will happen from there.

I'm looking for a way to 'trick' her into introducing it, such as movies to rent, or sex related bord games that may have the concept as a 'Try this', or 'Dare' type of feature to them.

Any suggestions?

And not sound mean or nasty, but I have heard the, "You should be honest and tell her. If she loves you she'll understand."

In an ideal world that would be true. However this is not an ideal world, or there would not be 'Crossdressers'. We would all just wear what we wanted, and clothes would not be catagorized as 'Men's' or "Women's'.

Ahhh but wouldn't that be nice?

[EricaCD]

You may have heard it, but I will repeat it: just be honest and tell her. Or don't and risk the (usually awful) consequences. But don't try to sneak your way to the topic. If you do that, you are really just forcing her to come to the discovery on her own...and that is not a fair thing to ask of her.

[Di]

Trick her or Dare her.....in my opinion THATS ABSURD :Angry3:

[Tina Dixon]

You can't play games, if she finds out you live with it from there, my wife found out a year ago, she didn't leave, but the subject has never been brought up again, yes it's strange, and I just don't feel like rocking the boat at this time, but it's just not a game.

[MJ]

Trick her or Dare her

that's not cool , you've done the same thing as many of us here and i am sorry but the only thing i can say before the gg get started on you is bear your soul be honest ..
or like some keep your trap shut *say nothing*
or rent movies with transgendered themes to them and tell her while you are watching them .

[Holly]

I have to ask you, Toni, how would you feel if your girlfriend tricked or maneuvered you into something? Relationships, especially lifelong, committed relationships are based on trust and mutual respect. Tricking or maneuvering someone into anything shows neither trust or respect. If I were you, I'd give this option a lot more thought.

[Sandra]

"trick or dare"

Wow thats a hard one, why don't you just try being honest. I hope someone never tries to trick or dare you with something so serious. :Angry3:

[az_azeel]

30 years is along time... you dont say how long you have been married or been eith this woman... I know from past relationships that if you try and trick them it comes over as more offensive than that of being true.... Have you ever hinted on c/dressing?....how did it go?....If you know your wife well enough you should be able to know how she would feel about subjects....not just crossdressing......I wish you luck


take care

az

[TerriM]

I told my wife 25 years ago after 10 years of marriage. She was shocked to say the least. She still hasnt or wants to see me dressed. It was very rough at first. But we worked things out.
Terri

[byrony]

I would just try and come out with it... When I told my gf, the biggest issue she had was not what I said but how I said it.

When the time came to tell her, I had to build myself up into doing it, all the while she could tell that I needed to tell her something and because I didn't say it directly, she assumed the worst.

Needless to say, she has been very accepting and supportive, but I almost lost her because of how I told her.

-Audrey

[marie354]

I've said this before, but one of the things women just love in a relationship is honesty. Once she finds out on her own, that honesty will be broken. Tell her before she finds out on her own. And believe me, she will. She'll find something, and the first thing that she will think is that you are having an affair with another woman.

[melissacd]

Be honest and up front with her, hope for the best and be prepared for the worst, you will most likely land somewhere in the middle.

[susie evans]

that's a lot of good advice be thought full :hugs:

susie

[kenasbarbie]

Let me clarify my post.

Apparently "trick" was NOT the word to use, but I could not come up with anything else at the time.

I'm not attempting to deceive my wife in any way, so I guess in hindsight the word "lead" would have been a better choice.

I'm merely looking for a way to "Lead" her into suggesting we try it, at which point it opens the door to me talking about my past etc.

After much observation, and knowing wife pretty good, I have discovered that it would need to be something she suggests, rather than me just coming out of the closet.

- Toni

[MJ]

After much observation, and knowing wife pretty good, I have discovered that it would need to be something she suggests, rather than me just coming out of the closet.

ok so rent some movies ? say that looks like so much fun , toni only you know your wife , just tell her but make sure to also say you are not gay nor do you want a sex change , you just like dressing up !!!!

the only problem here is " is she going to accept this part of you "
or the thing we all fear the most * is it worth it *

[Tree GG]

I'm merely looking for a way to "Lead" her into suggesting we try it, at which point it opens the door to me talking about my past etc.



I commend you for wanting to share this with your partner, but IMO you're still looking for ways to manipulate her into wanting what you want her to want (say that 5 times fast!) :D Honey, some GG's will never want to see their man in drag. Even the most supportive of CDing never dreamed of seeing it. You're fishing for an suggestion from her that may never come.

IMO, this is pretty much a sink or swim thing. Either you tell her what you want, or focus on what you've done in the past, or what you would like to do in the future but do not try to lead her into a choice you have already made. This is your need/desire and may very well not be hers. But if she is fair-minded, open to new challenges and cares deeply for you, it can become a shared experience. But heed the previous posts - rarely does the wife jump on this bandwagon with her dancing shoes on right away. It takes time to digest, sort and understand.

[Sheri 4242]

ok so rent some movies ? say that looks like so much fun . . . just tell her but make sure to also say you are not gay nor do you want a sex change , you just like dressing up !!!!*

I agree that you shouldn't "trick" her, but maybe you could use a movie as a springboard into a totally honest discussion. For example, watch "Ed Wood." Be prepared for the possibility of negative remarks, but regardless, tell her the truth! MJ is right, tell her that this is a significant side to your very being, that you know she will have many questions -- and perhaps up days and down days about it -- and make certain she knows you are heterosexual and not gay (etc.).

[Sheri 4242]

. . . IMO you're still looking for ways to manipulate her into wanting what you want her to want . . . some GG's will never want to see their man in drag. Even the most supportive of CDing never dreamed of seeing it. You're fishing for an suggestion from her that may never come.

IMO, this is pretty much a sink or swim thing . . . do not try to lead her into a choice you have already made. This is your need/desire and may very well not be hers. But if she is fair-minded, open to new challenges and cares deeply for you, it can become a shared experience. But heed the previous posts - rarely does the wife jump on this bandwagon with her dancing shoes on right away. It takes time to digest, sort and understand.

Listen to Tree GG! You cannot manipulate the outcome, you can only prepare yourself with what you need to say and hope she will respond positively. Even with the most understanding and supportive GG's, it usually takes time to sort through, to digest, to understand -- and to come to terms with. There may be days where you think it is all going the way you want, then all of a sudden she is backing off. Then, she may read something, or talk about a particular aspect with you, etc., then things will improve.

I only suggested the movie "Ed Wood" as a springboard, not as the answer to all your prayers. Once you tell her, it will be in her hands. There are no quick fixes that will blow magic dust over the situation and make it come out the way you envision you'd like it to be.

[Tina B.]

I'm merely looking for a way to "Lead" her into suggesting we try it, at which point it opens the door to me talking about my past etc.
- Toni

That's not very likley to happen, with or with out watching movies, or playing a board game. why would she suggest such a thing unless she had a reason to belive you are a crossdresser.
we would all like to find an easy way to tell our wives, but there is no easy way, just a right way or wrong way. The best you could do is use a movie as a way to bring up the subject. And becareful what movie you use, some such as Too Wong Foo, or Birdcage, make it seem as if we are all gay. Some such as Normal, are really about TS, not CD'ers. Safe is something like Tootise, or Mrs.Doubtfire, and those are not that belivable. Lot's of luck!
Tina B.

[Sheri 4242]

Tina B. said:

"we would all like to find an easy way to tell our wives, but there is no easy way, just a right way or wrong way. The best you could do is use a movie as a way to bring up the subject. And becareful what movie you use, some such as Too Wong Foo, or Birdcage, make it seem as if we are all gay. Some such as Normal, are really about TS, not CD'ers. Safe is something like Tootise, or Mrs.Doubtfire, and those are not that belivable. Lot's of luck!"

Tina B. is absolutely correct that IF you use a movie as a way to bring up the subject, you must be careful about which movie you pick. And, her assessment of the titles she gave is right on. You don't want to show a movie where the crossdressing is tied to something like transitioning into SRS, or to the gay life. "Birdcage" is an extremely funny movie, and To Wong Foo" is funny and insightful, but they could cause more upset than serve as a proper springboard. I suggested "Ed Wood" b/c the real Ed Wood was a crossdresser, but his crossdressing wasn't always out there as the center of everything. If I recall one scene correctly, his gf sees him dressed
for the first time and realizes that this is how her sweaters seemed to always be getting streatched out. Later, he found a wife that fully accepted his crossdsressing side.

The most important thing is that, if you use a movie to initiate a conversation, that you get to the heart of the truth. My wife identified with the explanation that I had two sides to my very being, one male and one feminine. (She, herself, can be very much a girly girl, but she has always had a tomboy side, so this made sense to her. She'd rather sleep in a man's t-shirt, while I'd rather sleep in a nightie. She is pragmatic enough to see that it is inconsistent to say that it is okay for her to sleep in a man's t-shirt and not okay for me to sleep in a night gown.) She also had a realization that much of what she loved about me came from my feminine side. She was open to trying to understand the different theories on why I am a crossdresser -- all the ones we've heard like the hormone bath, etc., etc. (And now there is research on brain scans that may lend themselves to the genetic proposition.)

You need to be prepared with as much data as possible! Read like you were studying fo a final exam!

With us, as time went by, certainly there were times when she'd get convoluted about the whole issue. This is probably something most crossdressers can identify with; she'd start worrying if I was more in love with Barbara than her?!!! Or, how could she be certain you won't want to transistion?!!! (Well, that's a hard one that require much reassurance on your part. If that ever came up, it was usually b/c I wasn't doing my part in making her feel like the Number One woman in my life!) In the main, the more prepared you are, the better. There is some great literature out there, and there is some that IMHO does more harm than good. This is b/c some of the literature is like some of the movies Tina B. noted that delivered the wrong image.

Another thing: be prepared to accept boundaries. Most of the time if an SO asks for boundaries, she's saying, in part, that she needs to know her man is still her man, even with a feminine side. Boundaries can always be moved as comfort levels and trust increase.

I wish you the best!!!

[tartshelly]

I kind of thought my boyfirend liked wearing my panites, I gave him a pair when he went away for several months. He had dropped hints that he and his sister played dress up when they were younger, and she would spare nothing, making sure she made him wear everything a girl would wear. I asked his sister and she said it was true. Brian and I are about the same size after he shared his intrest in female clothing to me, I realized why my cloths were sometimes moved around. I wear his jeans, I wear his sox, I wear his tee's. But nothing prepared me for seeing him put a pair of pantyhose on for the first time, it was when he wanted me to help him dress up as a female for halloween. When I seen him roll the legs carefully down, and pull them up one at a time wiggle, better than me into them, get the seams perfectly straight. I simply asked him if there was something that we needed to talk about. Talk we did, it was very hard for him sitting on the edge of the bed in panty hose, telling me how much he enjoys dressing as a woman, he was guilty about what he was doing. That is so wrong, actually after this all got worked out, He is a pretty convencing looking female. But at first i could not beleive that my cowboy lover, my little, raw hide, spring steel, stud would ever have such a tendency. Very suprized... we worked it out, I thought he was gay, wanted a sex change, OMG all of the above. But all it turned out to be was someone that was exposed to the feminine side when he was younger and wanted to keep it alive. And little girls grow up to be big girls.. I love him for what he is, I keep telling him he to quit doing all the macho stuff to prove he is not a sissy tho, he is going to get hurt some day.
But I hope you can be honest, I don't know if ther is such thing as a good time to tell the one you love, especially if you have been hiding it from them. I was upset about that the most, just why didn't he tell me. Well he did, it took a little time, but he did and our life has improved, alot. He is more open and I don't think he has any thing else in his life that he needs to share, Good luck and the sooner you share it with her the better your health, mental status, your private needs, will be, you will be a free man, and try to ensure her she has a new girl friend, dont embrass her tho. Best of luck to you, Michelle

[DonnaT]

Hi Toni,

What may work for you is to tell her about when you first started dressing.

Something like:

"Honey, you know there's something about my childhood I've never told you." And go from there.

[noname]

I'm merely looking for a way to "Lead" her into suggesting we try it, at which point it opens the door to me talking about my past etc.- Toni

Sorry, that's not going to fly. I can hardly imagine any GG suggest to try it, outside of being silly. If you want her to know, your going to have to be honest. I know it doesn't always end well, but if you want her to stick around, being honest is probably your best bet.

[Alice Torn]

T, I agree with those, who said, a movie, may be a way, to start, and, when you tell her, timing is everything! The late 1940's, or early 50's movie, about a crossdresser, "Glen or Glenda", black and white, was very well done, a movie/documentary, ahead of its time, about a crossdresser. Bela Legosi, was in it. It is not a horror movie. If you can't rent it, it is available, to buy, over the internet. Just look for that title. That would be a good movie, to start.

[SandyR]

Dont trick her. Believe me, when I say I almost lost it all. Be honest, do it, and do it now......


Kissess....

SandyR

[cocopuff's girl GG]

I agree trick was not the best word you could have used but that said I know what you meant. Before I knew about my SO's CD I had seen a few movies that my son had picked out as far as I know my SO had nothing to do with picking the movies. My son and me love comidies and one of the first Movies I saw having to do with CD was (Mrs Doubtfire) and then I saw a great one and I even remeber making comments in front of the SO that one of the guys dressed as a woman didn't look half bad matter of fact I said he could definetly pass (Sorriety Boys). Remember at this time making these comments I had no idea about my SO. I wonder what he was thinking.. I do think seeing these movies helped me see that it wasn't so bad. Another movie that was great and funny was (White Chicks). (Senior Trip) was another wear they dressed up the principle to look like a woman. These are just a few that will surely get a laugh. Just be honest but break it to her slowly don't overwhelme her. When my SO told me I thought it was something terrible that way we had to go up to the bedroom and he wanted me to sit down cause he had something to tell me . Something he had been wanting to tell me for a long time. I thought he was gonna say he was gonna leave or something or that there was somebody else. Although what he told me was confusing I was releived it was nothing terrible or life changing. He kept telling me I am the same man you love. He said I will not do anything you can't deal with or that will make you feel uncomfortable. Just be careful after you tell her and she accepts this that you don't go overboard or what I have been told here is called The Pink Frog or Kid in a candy store scenerio. Make sure you are alone with her no disstractions and allow her plenty of questions and answer honestly. The first one you will be asked is are you gay? Are you Bi? Just remeber this is your time to come clean do it right, don't lie or make up stuff. In other words tell her what you think she wants to hear. Don't be surprised by her questions wanting details. That's just us we want details... lol I hope I have helped in some small way. Best wishes.... Bev :love:

[Sheri 4242]

T, I agree with those, who said, a movie, may be a way, to start, and, when you tell her, timing is everything! The late 1940's, or early 50's movie, about a crossdresser, "Glen or Glenda", black and white, was very well done, a movie/documentary, ahead of its time, about a crossdresser. Bela Legosi, was in it. It is not a horror movie. If you can't rent it, it is available, to buy, over the internet. Just look for that title. That would be a good movie, to start.

Lucille, it is VERY interesting you should suggest "Glen or Glenda," and that I had suggested the Johnny Depp movie "Ed Wood."

The real Edward Wood, Jr. wrote, directed, and stared in "Glen or Glenda." (Indeed, Bela Lugosi also stared; Ed Wood revered Lugosi and found every way possible to include him in his films.) "Glen or Glenda" was filmed in 1953; it was released on DVD in 2000 or 2001. Basically, "Glen or Glenda" is, in part, Ed Wood's story to a point -- Ed Wood never commited suicide, but he did acknowledge himself to be a transvestite. A quick synopsis of the movie (which is available through Amazon) is as follows: "Upon discovering the suicide of a known transvestite, a police inspector seeks enlightenment from a psychiatrist familiar with the phenomenom. The psychiatrist tells him two tales. Glen is to be married to Barbara, but must find a way to tell her of his desire to wear her angora sweater, and of his cross-dressing needs in general. Another is the story of Alan, who decides to physically become a female via surgery (based on the contemporary story of Christine Jorgensen). Throughout the film a scientist inanely babbles about life and death in order to somehow elucidate the story." (The scientist was Lugosi)

The movie "Ed Wood" was filmed in 1994, with Johnny Depp playing Ed Wood. The movie also stars Sarah Jessica Parker, Vincent D'Onofrio, Bill Murray, Martin Landau, and Patricia Arquette; it was directed by Tim Burton. The plot line of "Ed Wood" is basically Wood's adult history as "Hollywood's worst-ever director/producer." His crossdressing comes up several times during the movie (yep, Johnny Depp in a skirt and angora sweater), but isn't the entire focus of the movie. "Ed Wood" is usually on cabel several times a year and is also available for sale.

The tag line of "Glen or Glenda" is "He loved women so much he dared to dress like one." But, the movie goes deeper into his crossdressing than the tag line indicates.

Both movies have elements of truth in them -- and both address crossdressing (and the inner need to do so) in a pretty matter-of-fact fashion.

[kenasbarbie]

After reading a number of the replies to my post, I have reafirmed my desire to find a GG to speak with in person, or over the phone.

There has definately been a serious case of "The message was lost in the delivery" here, and it was clearly my fault.

The wording of my post makes me sound like the 'Joker', or the 'Penquin', trying to come up with an evil plot, as opposed to the shy, nerveous, scarred husband that I am.

I was/am merely looking for movie/game suggestions that might raise the topic, so I can get a better feel for acceptance of the idea, and decide how and when to tell her.

Thank you to everyone who suggested movies. I'll look for them at the video store, and sorry to all of those who misunderstood my poorly worded post.

- Toni

[cocopuff's girl GG]

If I can help you any further feel free to contact me.. Bev:love: You can message me here. If you'd like to speak in person there are many GG's here that would not mind giving you advise.

[kay2]

The posts above are more articulate than I could be, but I thought I would join in. In my experience (with regard to various issues in a couple of long term (years) relationships, and some shorter ones), honesty is the ONLY option. Yes, a couple of times, in the dating phase, SOs wondered if I was gay, wanted a sex change, or would be more interested in clothes than in them. I always gave a straight (no pun intended) answer. The reason I bring this up in the context of your long term marriage, is that if she "discovers" your interest, she is likely to wonder what else she doesn't know. "You've had this desire all these years - what else don't I know?"

If you openly tell her the full extent of your interest, in any and all detail she is open to discussing, she will not be left with gaps to fill in with her imagination (and fears).

Please believe me when I say that I understand how hard this is for you - frightening and challenging. I hope for the absolute best for the two of you. Being open to continuing the discussion with a therapist can make a big difference.

Hugs to both of you.

[kay2]

The movie Just Like a Woman is about a very normal CD guy as he is thrown out by his wife (who thinks the clothes indicate he has been having an affair), and then finds a new partner who is loving and understanding. It is not a big time film, but it is real, and the male lead is straight and sane. It is a British film made in 1992. From one viewer's remarks on imdb.com

"... The film treats the taboo theme so that even a general audience not knowing of transvestitism at all will strongly sympathize with its main character. Adrian Pasdar is very believable as Gerald/Geraldine and shall not be forgot for this brillant acting. The directing of Christopher Monger is very sensitively, treating such a difficult issue quite excellently, packed into a good story. Not a big movie, neither an "art" film, but a little, lovely motion picture!"

I don't know if this movie will be hard to find. You can see details about it on imdb.com, but I just checked Netflix, and they don't have it. I have seen it in some video stores over the years.

[Lovely Rita]

mine found out by accident so I can't give any advice.