In Defense Of My Wife

[melissacd]

I was reading back through some of my past threads and I started to get the sense that anyone reading these thoughts might get the sense that my wife was perhaps somewhat of an obstinate, uncaring, mean old ogre. Quite the contrary, she is a wonderful human being.

In fairness, because I am the one who is writing these words and reflecting on my issues and my pain I am sure that the picture that I paint is not very complimentary of her. My words, thoughts, are subjective and reflect the way that I see things through, at many times I am sure, a very selfish filter, not giving her side a fair hearing.

The counselling that we have gone through recently has been very beneficial in helping me to better understand her point of view. In as much as I disagree with her stance, it is her truth and her reality. It is okay for two people to disagree and have equally valid yet different truths.

As I work through my own issues I am more and more accepting of her decision to end the relationship. It saddens me. I grieve over the feeling that if she just read that one article, read that one book, surfed that one website, talked to that one spouse or couple or saw that movie...."...there are no magic bullets.

The simple truth is the topic makes her feel uncomfortable to a level where being in a relationship with me is unbearable for her. This is her truth and it is as valid to her as my cross dressing is to me. Going through this process has helped me to better understand that there are limits to love. My situation, my cross dressing, have exceeded her limits. No amount of anything I do will change that. Only she can change that and she has to be willing to do so. She is not.

There is a great sense of relief for me in that realization. I realize that in spite of all of this she still loves me, I am still a good, lovable, decent person, just not the right person for her anymore. I am becoming okay with that.

Now that we have reached the stage of not being a couple anymore, she has become happier, friendlier, more at peace with me.

She has always been a caring, loving person, a good mother and notwithstanding the issues around my cross dressing (which would be a challenge for any spouse), a good partner. She has worked hard to make a life with me through the many challenges that any relationship goes through and together we have surmounted them. Cross dressing is the one area that no amount of love in the world will allow her to transcend.

Upon a great deal of reflection, I can now accept that. I wish that things had turned out differently, but they didn't. I know that my wife will never read these words, however, I want to say them anyway.

To my partner - I am happy to have known you and I know that you did the best that you knew how. I fell in love with you 25 years ago and in spite of everything that has happened, although I have not always liked you, I have always loved you. We have had many challenges and struggles and we have had many good times together as well. We have raised 4 wonderful children. We have created many memories to cherish. As our ships sail off to different ports remember that I will always love you and I will always be your friend.

Huggs
Melissa

[KirstyChibiMoon]

yes im sorry your having such a tuff time with ur wife michelle :(

im guess i was very fortunate to find my wife as a crossdresser....
of course no relationship goes without problems...
>>hugsz<<
u ever take her to tri-ess or stuff like that?

[Tree GG]

:brokenheart:

[Nicole]

Thank you for sharing, Melissa. I am touched by the fact that despite the trauma the two of you hold your love and respect for one another above all. Beautifully said.

[hotbobbie]

Melissa, very well put and thank you for saying it so well.

[Daintre]

Melissa, you have put into words just what I am thinking. My ex and I went down the same road you and your wife did. My ex could not and would not accept my dressing, it was just to much for her. Now we are friendly, go for coffee and such. I also have always loved my wife as I do now.

Thank you for this well written and insightful post.

[DawnL]

Melissa,
That was wonderfully put into words. I hope that your ex gets to see it. You sound more at peace. May god bless you both.

[marie354]

I like the way that you put everything into perspective. I'm splitting with my SO too... Or should I say she is splitting with me. Either way we are still going to be friends. Sombody has got to set my hair for me until I get a perm. She really enjoys helping me "be all that I can be", but no longer sees me as the man I am (err... was). We understand each others feelings and reasoning and I think that is a good thing.

Again, very well done.

:hugs:

[Tina B.]

Melissa, you both tried for 10 years to work it out, I think that shows a lot of love on both of your parts. I am glad to see you are coming to terms with it coming to an end, and I hope yiou bothfind the peace and love you both deserve.
Tina B.

[tartshelly]

My boyfriend and I are getting married this July. He will be the groom and I will be the bride, but only because I ask that the wedding be in the cath, church. I have learned in the years that I have known him and loved him that a CD has so many thoughts and things they would like to try. There is one adventure after another. I dress in guys cloths most of the time. I wish I could find that much excitement, and relaxation at the same time. Granted I don't go the extent of dressing up as much as he does. Like one Halloween I was a Cowboy and He was the Cow Girl, I stuffed some sox in my panties to look like I had a package. I don't understand it, I would like more input on how and why men enjoy doing this, that is why I joined this siet. I do know that it is a part of that person, if you love them, you will just be accepting of what they enjoy. That was wonderful what you said about your relationship and I hope you find someone the will accept you and all that you do.
Michelle

[melissacd]

I don't understand it, I would like more input on how and why men enjoy doing this, that is why I joined this siet. I do know that it is a part of that person, if you love them, you will just be accepting of what they enjoy. That was wonderful what you said about your relationship and I hope you find someone the will accept you and all that you do.
Michelle

I hope that you find the answers that you are looking for. This is a wonderful site and has been instrumental in my growth. I hope that you are right and that I find someone who will accept me just as I am. My best wishes to you and your partner on your journey.

[melissacd]

Thank you all for your love and support. It is a big part of what helps me get through this.

Huggs
Melissa

[Di]

Melissa, Your post really got to my heart...I wish that she could see...that you...all of YOU is who she loves...you are the same person. I am sorry too that things did not turn out differently for you, as always best wishes. Di

[Mary Morgan]

Melissa, I'm sorry that things are not as you would wish them to be, and I know that you are saddend by this. Your words are very loving and thoughtful. I hope you find happier times in the next steps you take. I sense that you may well find peace with your wife in time.

[Alice Torn]

M, I am sorry that it is over. I have lost every love I ever had. I can relate, in that my church would never compromise, with cding. I love this church, and what it teaches, but, I would be kicked out, if it got around. One widow knows, and I hope she does not tell. I don't dress up very often, maybe once a month. /what this church teaches, is narrow, and unpopular, but, it has a wholesomeness, and traces its beginning, to the first century. Enough on this! Great heart post!

[Deborah_UK]

Melissa,

Just a thought, but have you printed that post out and given it to your wife?

It is well considered and hearfelt, I'm sure that she would love to hear/see those words of love.

[Suzie S.]

Melissa, I'm so sorry that it had to turn out this way for you. It's nice to see that the two of you can still respect and love each other. With your positive attitude thorugh all of this I'm sure your will eventually find what you are looking for in life! I wish you all the best! :hugs:

[suzy]

Melissa,

Very well written, well spoken and spoken from the heart. It is obvious. I must agree with the others, you need to print that post out and make it available to her.

I am happy to see that you both have been able to understand and get on with your lives even though it means separation/divorce. Best wishes!:hugs:

[mylitta]

That was very moving- I hope you get a chance to express those thoughtd to your wife. Best wishes for your new life.:love:

[Satrana]

Cross dressing is the one area that no amount of love in the world will allow her to transcend.


I cannot think of a sadder thought.

At least you now understand that no amount of love and persuasion from you can ever change her since she is unwilling to change herself. This brings you resolution and the opportunity to let go and move on. :hugs:

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

A very heart-felt post, and it does make you stop & think :o i wish you both all the best, and hope you can remain good friends :hugs:

[AngGG]

Your post really touched me and brought a tear to my eyes. It's a shame your wife will not read this wonderfully written post.

Angela

[Jere Oneil]

Melissa,

Just a thought, but have you printed that post out and given it to your wife?

It is well considered and hearfelt, I'm sure that she would love to hear/see those words of love.

I second this suggestion.

[Sophia Rearen]

Melissa,
Reading this, makes me even more confused as to why your wife would want to leave someone such as you.

Few questions. Do you want to be a woman? How often do you dress? What has been the longest stretch of time dressed?

[Bernice]

I have a self-imposed rule about not posting unless I have something to add, and now I am breaking that rule. By failing to post at all, I feel I would somehow be saying I wasn't moved by this thread. How could any civilized person not be brought to tears by Melissa's loving words? :rose:

[Marcie Sexton]

I think that at some point in our lives, especially where we have a SO who doesn't approve/agree with our desire to dress have had these thoughts. You are to be commended for your frankness.

You must also understand that those that are not as lucky as those with our SO's full support naturally take a defensive stance and "naturally" assume they are being attacked. There are so many intangables that you see and feel that just can't be conveyed in words.

Seems from my reading of your post, you both are making an effort to come to a meeting of the minds...I would suggest you both continue the course and remember that it will take a lot of hard work...I can only wish you good luck and extend my prayers to you and your wife...

[MJ]

Melissa i am sorry to hear that , you got my sitting crying "again " it's the hormones , but as i have said i am here for you call me , should you want to go out again we have so much fun , i hope life get better for you both
hugs Marissa

[dancinginthedark]

Well said. Melissa I read your words and the more I read the more impressed I was with them and you…and the more I cried. I’m sorry…sometimes when we travel the road to self acceptance and growth we lose the ones we loved the best through no fault of our own or theirs.

Hugs,
dancin

[melissacd]

I want to thank all of you for your supportive comments. I made this post because in my previous thread about Feb 22, while I received a lot of nice supportive comments, there were also the ones that seemed more combative saying things like - get a lawyer, hide your money, don't trust her.

I know that I may have said some things in previous posts that could be construed in a way that portrayed my wife in a less than positive way and I wanted to make sure that people understood that while she was less than supportive with regards to my cross dressing (and it is her right to choose to be that way) in so many other ways she has been and still is a beautiful human being.

I understand the need to take care and be cautious. I am not a naive person about these things. I know that the comments were made with the best of intention and I do appreciate the sentiment of support, however, the end of a romantic relationship does not mean that we have to jump into battle mode. It is possible to be two adults who recognize that the end of a journey has been reached and it is time for the beginning of new and separate journeys. It does not make either one of us bad, just human. This whole process while sad has also been a wonderful growth experience as a human for me.

I have always tried to be fair in love and now that we have decided to part I want to be fair in that as well. I believe that she wants that too and so far she has behaved that way.

If we really love someone then we have to be loving when we let go as well.

Thanks for all of your support and kind words.

Huggs
Melissa

[Eugenie]

Now that we have reached the stage of not being a couple anymore, she has become happier, friendlier, more at peace with me.

Dear Melissa,

What a wonderful love letter... I wish I could write one like that to my own wife. Many points you made in your letter would just apply to our own couple... We're just a few years older...

I just kept the one sentense above in your post as it is exactly the point we have reached now with my wife. And surprisingly, not being a couple anymore has also got us nearer to each other... I'm now far more attentive to her desires and her to mine. We are just friends, at peace with each other, sharing the parts of life that still hold us together.

I accept that my X-dressing is never going to be part of her life with me and I respect that. She accepts that I can't live without my X-dressing and leaves some space for me to live with it.

But all this had to go through crisis episodes which were hard on us and also on our grown up children...

Even though it was at the origin of a terrible crisis between us, one thing that definitely helped was that I came out to my daughter (36) and she told her brother (34) and both told my wife that they knew about my X-dressing... But that they were more worried by seing us so unhappy than by my x-dressing.

In a sense, after being angry at me, my wife was relieved from one of her fears: that our children would learn about my x-dressing and be shocked. But since both of them (and their partners) told my wife that they didn't mind at all about it, she knows it isn't a problem anymore...

I had also come out to a woman who is her best friend and who is also my best friend. After a similar crisis, my wife also felt less stress of me being discovered... That friend had reacted exactly as my children did...

So things have vastly improved between my wife and I. Next June my wife asked me to meet her for a weekend at the place where she will be working, a nice ocean resort on the Atlantic. I will have to go through Paris. I felt really great that she would again like to spend some friendly moments with me. But I didn't expect her to tell me "On your way to meet me, why don't you stop a couple of days in Paris to meet your friends (meaning X-dressers)" as she know I have contacts in Paris... That was so unexpected and demonstrating so much love in fact.

Like your SO, my wife will never read these lines, but I will sure manage to let her know how much love is still there, even if we don't form a couple, in the common sense of this expression.
:love: to our wonderful wives...
Eugenie

[RobertaFermina]

Melissacd,

I don't see your wife as an ogre. She is a human, perfectly so in her imperfection.

I see love as the transcendant reverence for the miracle of life in each of us and in all of us, and living in integrity with that reverence.

So long as you both revere the miracle of each other, and treat yourselves and each other accordingly, Love has not failed, and You have not failed to love.

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Lovely Rita]

Bravo
I love your consideration for your soul mate.

well done