Helping my fiance understand.

[XDW Nathan-Natasha]

Hey girls. I'm in bit of a pickle. I really want to explore this cross-dressing side of me but my fiance is having a bit of a hard time coping with the fact that I do this. She loves me and says she won't leave me, which is totally great. Despite that though, I really wish there was something I could do to help her understand and become more approving of this aspect of my life. Any suggestions as to how I can help her out?

I mean, I would like to be able to go out totally enfemme but I don't think I could do that if it was uncomfortable for her; especially if it meant doing things like shaving my body, wearing make-up, etc. I know it's ultimately my decision in the end but I really want to respect her wishes and comfort level.

[Lori SC]

Hi Natasha,

I think the only way you can help your girlfriend become more comfortable with CDing is to talk to her about it. And it will take a lot of talk - more than you will ever believe.

I know, I know, a lot of you out there say you are really female inside, but there is still a lot of the male communication mode in all of us. The male way is: "I said it once, that was it, what more is there to talk about"? The female way is to talk about it from every conceivable angle, and do that 3 or 4 times. - You get the picture.

Of course your girlfriend has to be willing to have these chats. If she doesn't... Well, about all you can do is bring up how you feel great one day. When she asks why (and she will), then you can mention how something about CDing made you feel that way. She may not inquire much after that, but at least you get the point across about how it makes you feel. Do this several times , and it may make a difference.

Another way is if she is willing to read a book. My Husband Wears my Clothes by Peggy Rudd, is a good book to start with. You should read it too, maybe at the same time, so you can discuss the different chapters and how each of you feels about the different subjects. My wife and I did something like this, and it really helped. (We made notes in the margins and talked about the notes/subject matter).

Avoid having her join any all female CD chat groups. Typically the girls really bash CDs, and the negative feelings reinforce each other.

Have fun!
Lori

[Sheri 4242]

Avoid having her join any all female CD chat groups. Typically the girls really bash CDs, and the negative feelings reinforce each other.Lori

PLEASE pay attention to Lori's final admonition!!!!!!!

Since I am new to this site I don't know if I should mention the actual name of the group, but several years ago my wife joined an all female SO group just to have women to communicate with that were living with a CD. She happily thought it would be sort of a "SO sorority" -- especially since many SOs don't know, person-to-person, other SOs.

Well, it didn't take her long to say GOODBYE to that group!!!!!!!

A couple of the gg's of the group welcomed her with open arms, saying how wonderful it was to have someone join with a positive attitude about CDing.

BUT, the majority of the regulars on that particular chat site were VERY negative about CDing and ENDLESSLY complaining. My wife had a couple of these girls literally jump down her throat (figuratively, of course) for being accepting and supportive -- it was like how dare anybody think this was possibly okay. The "regular negative bunch" just wanted to "REHASH, REHASH & BASH and BASH" ad nauseum, the same things -- talk about beating a dead horse!!!

(The site was for SO's only, but my wife showed me some of the posts and both of us were incredulous!!!!!!! Neither of us could figure out how any gg who has a positive and accepting attitude, or even just a tolerating attitude, could stand to stay on that chat board for very long!!!)

Ironicaly, just about a month ago, my wife logged back in after a four year absence just to see if it was the same or different . . . and she told me that, except for a few new names, it was the EXACT SAME NEGATIVE GROUP still rehashing the same old stuff they were complaining about four years earlier!!!! My wife said it was quite obvious that the negative majority didn't want to hear anything positive, or try and learn and/or change, or discuss any coping skills. She reports most were resistent to therapy, and a few actually exploded when a therapist, male or female, had suggested to one of them, skills to try and reach some level of tolerance. All they wanted to be, in my wife's own words, were BigITCHES, wallowing in their common misery, doing nothing to effect change!!!

So, Lori's admonition is excellent!!! I hope all goes well!!!!!!!

[Dixie Darling]

Lori and Barbara make EXCELLENT points. I am acquainted with a very accepting GG who is the wife of a crossdresser and I have also read some of the posts in this group. Although neither of the other posters named the group, I think we all know the one they're talking about and although the original primise and purpose for the group was well intended, it's turned into not much more than a huge 'pity party, as well as a lot of folks who's prime purpose in belonging to such a group is to bash crossdressers. It's obvious that these 'nay-sayers' aren't interested in trying to learn why crossdressing is a NEED for some men, nor do they want to accept the fact that none of us volunteered to be the individuals we are.

Your best source of information to help you in explaining your need to dress to your fiancé is here in this forum and on reputable websites which provide you with information you can use. I am under the impression (since she is aware that you have a need to dress enfemme) that she is willing to research the subject with an open mind and an open heart to go with it. If that's the case seek out some quality information on the internet and direct her to the sources you find so she can see the info for herself (as opposed to you telling her about it). I offer you the down to earth information on my web site for starters. You'll find it clean so you don't have to have any concerns about seeing anything embarrassing. Finally, PATIENCE and open communication are the best advice anyone can give you.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[kay2]

You might consider a few visits to a couples therapist, if you can get a recommendation for a good one. While visiting a therapist with a SO (about other issues), the issue of my enjoyment of women's clothes came up. My SO made a remark indicating her concern over this - to some extent she was accepting, and to some extent she was frightened by it (gay, perverted, ...). The therapist looked baffled for a moment, and then he said to her "why wouldn't you want him to be able to do something he enjoys?" I'm not sure if it changed her concerns, but we split for other reasons.

[XDW Nathan-Natasha]

Oh girls...thanks so much. Dang, I'm crying. I can't believe all the great advice I've gotten in such a short time. It's amazing.

I never would have thought that having her join a GG or SO group would be a bad thing. Just before reading this I saw the one listed on the main page and was going to call her and say 'look honey, they have one.' I'll just have her read this post instead. She's been paroosing the board all evening and I think it's helped her a little bit at least. So that coupled with any resources I find (like the book Lori mentioned - thanks for that Lori! I'll grab it on Amazon!) should help her understand. And like most of you ladies said - talking is key.

Thank God she's as understanding as she can be right now. She does want to research this with me and is willing - no, WANTS to learn because this a part of me. I mean, it may be a couple of years before she'll go out with me enfemme but hey, at least she hasn't hit the road. I love her so much... And I love all you girls here. You're like my sisters.

Thanks for the advice all! Keep it coming; I'll take all I can get!

[XDW Nathan-Natasha]

You might consider a few visits to a couples therapist, if you can get a recommendation for a good one.

Yeah, I thought about this too. I don't know if she's willing to go there at this point but we'll talk it over. One problem is that she lives 2 to 4 hours north of me, depending on if she's at college or at home - so any appointments would have to be pre-arranged pretty far in advance in order for our schedules to cross. It would be worth it though. I think we'd both get a lot out of being able to talk to someone about this. We'll see what happens.

Thanks kay!

[Rachel Morley]

Here's something that my wife MarlaGG wrote that might be helpful. It's called "How to tell your partner".

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13841

[Sandra]

Your SO would find a lot of help, advice and support if she joined the GG forum here.

[EmmaB GG]

This GG forum has helped me, and is still helping, positively and massively through some difficult times and with a variety of situations. Please, please, please don't dismiss it on her behalf. They are all supporting, caring and understanding, and there is a huge range of experiences to hear about so something or someone will reflect how she feels, I'm sure.

[AngGG]

Avoid having her join any all female CD chat groups. Typically the girls really bash CDs, and the negative feelings reinforce each other.



I have to disagree with you here. I have found 3 groups. This one here and 2 on yahoo. As in any large group of people all have varying opinions on different situations but for the most part the ladies who join these groups are there because they love their SO's and want to learn from other women who have been there and done that. I am not saying that there are no rants but most of the time the ranter gets to let off some steam and the wonderful ladies give some perspective or advice on how to handle things differently for a better outcome for everyone(unless it is warranted by extreme selfishness or dangerous behavior) or even just a shoulder to cry on. There have been times when these ladies have been my lifeline, they really listen and try to understand what you are going through and they give advice from the unique position of having been there/done that.

I guess what I am saying is don't think that all groups are like the ones you are talking about...whats that saying ...There are always a few bad apples in the bunch...

:2c:

Angela

[Carroll]

Here's something that my wife MarlaGG wrote that might be helpful. It's called "How to tell your partner".

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13841

I know we have a few sticky up top, but the question pops up often enough and, is such an important question, but this should be a sticky

Carroll

[mylitta]

IAvoid having her join any all female CD chat groups. Typically the girls really bash CDs, and the negative feelings reinforce each other.


Lori

I'm sorry, I have to disagree with this- if it hadn't been for the GGs here, I don't know how I would have coped with it all. They are a great group of people who love their partners and do their best to support them.

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

Again il also disagree with that comment . This group helped me deal with many problems with SO & c/d . without it id have gone to pieces ( and thats no lie ) !! ok, it hasnt solved all my questions, and we have our probs with the c/d, BUT coming here has helped me learn a great deal more onit, plus making great friends into the bargin. im sure she can make her own decisions if its for her ( a forum ) or not, but no harm in her trying :happy:

[Kerry Owens]

I absolutely disagree with that comment, the group here is positive.
Lawren told me about the CD'ing way before we got to meet and one year later we married.
In the whole time I learned a lot was helped tremendously over the usual rough spots by the GG forum. To claim it's "CD bashing" only is nowhere near the truth, scarcely worthy of your side of the forum.

[Sheri 4242]

I have to disagree with you here. I have found 3 groups. This one here and 2 on yahoo. As in any large group of people all have varying opinions on different situations but for the most part the ladies who join these groups are there because they love their SO's and want to learn from other women who have been there and done that. I am not saying that there are no rants but most of the time the ranter gets to let off some steam and the wonderful ladies give some perspective or advice on how to handle things differently for a better outcome for everyone(unless it is warranted by extreme selfishness or dangerous behavior) or even just a shoulder to cry on. There have been times when these ladies have been my lifeline, they really listen and try to understand what you are going through and they give advice from the unique position of having been there/done that.

I guess what I am saying is don't think that all groups are like the ones you are talking about...whats that saying ...There are always a few bad apples in the bunch...

:2c:

Angela

Wow! I really need to make a clarification regarding my comments on an SO-only chat group. I posted after Lori -- and looking back at the entire thread, I see that Lori advised not to let the SO in question join ANY all-female SO chat groups. When I chimed in I was ONLY talking about ONE particular SO-only chat group. I can't speak for Dixie Darling, who posted right after me, but I think she, too, was speaking about just one particular SO-only chat group -- and, from what she said, probably the same one I was speaking of.

First, let me be clear about one thing: I was NOT talking about the one here!!! Being new here, I emphasized at the outset that I didn't know if it was apropos to say which group, but that said, maybe I should have given the name based on the last several responses from our gg's!!! I'm sorry if I added any confusion or turmoil to the situation!!! Naturaly, I haven't seen the SO-only chat group board on this site -- it isn't for me. BUT, I have to believe that if it is anything like this part of this chat site, it has to be great!!!

I was speaking about a specific "other" SO-only chat group! And, I was relating what my wife said about that group -- it was one she joined 4 years ago and her experiences with that group before she quit it. I was being completely upfront when I reported that she was a memeber of that particular group long enough to see that any gg SO who had a positive attitude (positive, accepting, encouraging) was run off b/c they just couldn't take the overwhelming negativity -- and the extreme rehashing and bashing -- mainly by a group that, as I noted, my SO said are still to this day the mainstay of the group four years later!!!

I hope that nobody believes I was talking about the SO group here!!! I wasn't!!!

Regarding this particular other group, my wife shared many of the posts with me from when she first joined four years back (she had printed many out and put them in a file to refer to at her leisure), and I absolutely agree with her assessment of that particular group (and that particular group ONLY). My wife and I actually talked to one of the very few long-time members of that group who was positive, acepting, and supportive, and that lovely lady was so'oooo excited that my wife had joined b/c she said she and a few others were trying to overcome all the negativity and bashing and turn that chat site into one where SO's could vent when necessary, inquire (and receive good info) when necessary, cry when necessary, and talk about anything and everything, from trust issues to boundaries, etc. That lovely lady said, succinctly and plainly, that it was good to have someone join who was not absolutely negative!!! BUT, like I indicated yesterday, that particular group was in an absolute stranglehold of a group who didn't want anything positive said. One post my wife printed out was from a young wife who was really trying to earnestly learn about her husband's needs and how she could move from tolerance to acceptance and encouragement. The majority of the responses were downright hostile -- definitely harsh and bashing!

Well, anyway, I wanted to clarify anything I may have added to this thread that was unintentional!

[XDW Nathan-Natasha]

Wow, what a response!
I was a little confused myself about whether or not any and all SO groups were bad news, or just one, or what. I think I'll have her read this post, bring it up on the phone, talk it over, and see if she wants to join the SO forum here (and maybe this one too - I think she could learn a lot here).
I just want her to have the support she needs because I understand that this is pretty hard for her. But, like you girls have said, it's up to her to decide; I don't want to force her into anything. If an SO forum works for her, great, and if not something else will.
Anyhow, thanks for the clarification Barbara and all the good info from everyone else, especially all the GGs that have contributed so far, I really appreciate it!

Thank you all!!!! Keep the advice flowing!

[Angie G]

Natasha maybe you can get her to talk to some of the GG's here on the forum it may help :hugs:
Angie

[XDW Nathan-Natasha]

Well ladies, after a little talking and even less persuading my fiance has decided to join the main forum. She hasn't decided if she wants to join the GG forum yet, but that's alright by me. I can't wait 'till she's a regular on here. I'll get her addicted yet! I can quit when I want to (steps away from the computer - while somehow magically typing - gets a foot away). NO! I can't do it! But yeah, I can't wait. It'll be cool sharing this great community with her. Treat her nice, girls!

[Lovely Rita]

Go slowly with consideration. She has normal feelings.

[aj_gg]

He does go slowly and is very considerate. I'm his fiancé and I love him with all my heart. I'm not yet comfortable calling him Natasha, and I don't think that that is something I will be comfortable with for a while. Thank you for helping us out and you are all wonderful.

[loki_uk]

If she's not happy with you shaving your body, you don't HAVE to do it.

Theres no rule that says you HAVE to look like a woman to wear womens clothes

Thats about the only reason my missus still probably denies thinking I'm a tranny...if you don't shave your legs, arm hair, and trim your eyebrows there will always still be that idea in your head that your really 'normal'

Mine still thinks she's married to a bloke, and never has to face the other me
and wear I dress up no one cares that I don't pass...so it can work out

[Sheila]

XDW Nathan-Natasha, and aj_gg


I have already said hi to you both in the new members intro thread, it is great to see a couple both actively seeking to help and understand each other so again an big huge hi to you both.


AJ if you decide to ask for acces to the GG forum you will be more than welcomed there and ........ XDW Nathan-Natasha fear yea not we are pretty CD friendly in there:D ........... actually the GG's that make it onto this forum are more than generally interested in finding out about CDing and what it means to their relationship and how to make it stronger and your Partner seems to be from that mould............ we also have a laugh and a chat about life in general over there. Please note .....CD bashing is NOT part of our part of the forum .......... we kinda like you gurls:D

Jess

[Lori SC]

I have to disagree with you here. I have found 3 groups. This one here and 2 on yahoo. As in any large group of people all have varying opinions on different situations but for the most part the ladies who join these groups are there because they love their SO's and want to learn from other women who have been there and done that. I am not saying that there are no rants but most of the time the ranter gets to let off some steam and the wonderful ladies give some perspective or advice on how to handle things differently for a better outcome for everyone(unless it is warranted by extreme selfishness or dangerous behavior) or even just a shoulder to cry on. There have been times when these ladies have been my lifeline, they really listen and try to understand what you are going through and they give advice from the unique position of having been there/done that.

I guess what I am saying is don't think that all groups are like the ones you are talking about...whats that saying ...There are always a few bad apples in the bunch...

:2c:

Angela

My appologies to the GGs and the GG forum on this board. :sorry:

Sometimes when you post, you do not realize how the message will be taken. When I said,


Avoid having her join any all female CD chat groups. Typically the girls really bash CDs, and the negative feelings reinforce each other.

I was thinking that the GG forum here did not apply to my statement since there are obviously both CDs and SOs on this board.

I have no personal experience with the GG only boards for obvious reasons, but my wife has been part of two. She is disappointed with the negativity, and the two she is on are supposed to be better ones. I have anecdotal evidence from others about negative boards.

Since we all agree there are some negative GG only boards, and some better ones, I would change my comment to "Use caution if your fiance wants to join a GG only board".

I am sure the GGs on this board can recommend GG only boards that offer positive support. I encourage SOs to join support groups, with the emphasis on support, not bashing.

Mea culpa,
Lori

[XDW Nathan-Natasha]

Yeah, I'm not too worried about the GG board here. All the GGs that post here in the M to F forum are totally great. It'd be good for her to hear what more GGs have to say when they know the 'other girls' aren't listening - though I'm sure it's nothing bad. Thanks for all the advice.
And thanks aj_gg, you know it means so much to me that you're being supportive and as understanding as you can be about this! I love you all the more for it.

[aj_gg]

And thanks aj_gg, you know it means so much to me that you're being supportive and as understanding as you can be about this! I love you all the more for it.

Remind me of that on days when I'm really confused. :love: I always love you though.

[XDW Nathan-Natasha]

Well, I went out mostly enfemme with my fiance yesterday and everything went fabulously! She couldn't have taken it any better, and I don't think I could have done too much better also, at least for my first time sort-of out.
Aj_gg has done so much and made so many sacrifices (at least I think so) to help understand my cross-dressing. I don't know what I'd do without her. Thanks aj! And thank all of you ladies for your insights! If you can think of anything else, then please post it here!

[Carin's Wife GG]

I will be joining the GG group here (I Hope!) as soon as I am approved. I look forward to chatting with AJ!




Louise.

[XDW Nathan-Natasha]

Aj_GG has been such a huge support to me since I told her how much cross-dressing meant to me and since I pointed her to this site. She's gone shopping with me, gone out with me when I've been partially enfemme, she's given me lessons on sitting, standing, kneeling, talking, walking, and just about everything else enfemme (thank God for her drama background - and for being a GG, that kinda helps...). She's like my mentor or sensei even. I am but an apprentice - Grasshopper, I suppose ("you must keep your thighs together, Grasshopper, you do not wish to untuck"). It's been a blast.

I know it's still hard for her to accept some things, but she has been more of a saint than ever in letting me experiment more and more. Thanks aj! And thank you all for supporting her too. Without you ladies I don't know if all of this would have been as easy for her. Thank you all!

[SissyJackie]

I'm still married but my wife hardly tollerates it. We love each other but If I had it to do over again I would never marry unless my SO was really understanding and completely supportive. Make sure you don't get married because you just like having a female roommate right now. CD's TS's need room to nurture this side of ourselves and we need someone who will let us nurture that side without it being a point of friction all the time. Both marriage and dressing are lifetime committments.

[XDW Nathan-Natasha]

I'm still married but my wife hardly tollerates it. We love each other but If I had it to do over again I would never marry unless my SO was really understanding and completely supportive. Make sure you don't get married because you just like having a female roommate right now. CD's TS's need room to nurture this side of ourselves and we need someone who will let us nurture that side without it being a point of friction all the time. Both marriage and dressing are lifetime committments.

From how things have been going with aj_gg so far I don't think I have anything to worry about. She is understanding and supportive of my dressing to the point that she'll buy me things like bras, beauty products, etc. and even help me with things like grooming my eyebrows and the like. I think she is more supportive than I could possibly ask and to that degree I am very blessed.
Oh, and regarding your 'female roommate' comment - we don't live together. We're anywhere from 2 to 4 hours apart. We are getting married because we love eachoter and this is what we feel we (and to be completely honest - God) want(s). We are happy together and feel that we must accept all of eachother completly - and we do. She accepts my cross-dressing as much as she can right now and nurtures it to the best of her ability.
I know I am more lucky and blessed than most, and I know that cross-dressing can be a source of friction but I feel that this is something that we can live with and hopefully both enjoy.
Thanks for your insights Jackie.

And to my fiance, aj_gg - can you share your thoughts on this?