Help? SO concerns

[aj_gg]

*Take a deep breath*

Hi all,

I've been doing quite a bit of "research" lately about CD and I don't think that I've been finding anything reputable. I'm a math major and I know how important having all the right info is before you can finish anything is so I decided to come to the source. Now I know how the answers apply to my fiance but, I want to know answers from the rest of the community. I have a few questions I would like to start off with and I would appreciate as much advice or help you could give. Thanks for helping to clear some confusion.

Do most CD's become TG once they begin to dress enfemme?

Do you find that you are 'rejected' by the majority of people that you've told about CD?

What is the attraction to CDing?

What about the spiritual or religious part of your life or does CDing have no effect on that?

Thanks again.

AJ

[Helen in OK]

AJ,

This is one of the better places to ask questions, especially when you get to join the women's only forum. Here are links to a couple of more sites which are geared to be like this one, provide answers
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/acrossdresserssecretgarden

and

http://www.tri-ess.org/

There are also many books such as Peggy Rudd's "My Husband wears my Clothes" and Helen Boyd's "My Husband Betty" as well as others.

Hopefully you can find the information you need. But you will need to sit down with your fiance and talk. Many of us would give anything to have someone like you who is at least willing to learn and listen. Of course it could be very difficult to get your fiance to talk especially if he has had to hide it all of his life. Be gentle and loving and your fiance should respond.

Good luck, and I wish more were like you.

Helen in OK

[EricaCD]

Hi! Sorry you have been encountering difficulty in finding "reputable" (?) info about us. Most of us are closeted, many are dealing with deep issues of shame, and (funny enough) it's not like the sociologists of the world are falling over themselves to catalogue us. It's a bit messy, frankly, and so I think you are going to have to live with imperfect information. As do we all...

That said, I'm a sucker for "20 Questions" type games and so I will plunge right in...

1. Gosh, I sure hope not. There is an old tranny joke along the lines of "What's the difference between a CD who goes out and a transexual?" "About six months." But I have been getting out fairly regularly for a year now, and dressing totally en femme for nearly 8 years, and I feel no urge to transition. Based on a lot of anecdotal reading, I would guess that CDs who dress fully en femme still far outnumber transexuals.

2. Only one person who is principally acquainted with my male side knows about my life as Erica, and that's my wife Helene. She has not rejected me. So I am batting 1.000 so far! :)

3. I couldn't tell you. It's more than a hobby or a pastime, but less than a compulsion. Worrying about what causes it was not healthy for me, so I stopped.

4. Being a crossdresser has no impact whatsoever on my spiritual/religious life. I would never waste my time following a god or goddess who cared whether I like to wear a skirt.

Erica

[aj_gg]

My fiance and I do talk, er at least on my end heavy crying from immense confusion, but we currently live 2 hours apart due to me being in college. Trust me though this would be a lot harder if I were back at home and four hours apart.

Thank you for your answers so far, I am trying to think of more questions.

[DeeInGeorgia]

TG is transgender. In my realm of thinking, CD is a subset of transgender. But then again, it depends on the reason for crossdressing. Which comes down to how you feel about yourself.

So far, nobody I have told has "rejected" me. But I have been selective, 9 people at work, wife, sister, wife's older sister and husband, wife's best friend.

The biggest "appeal" is to look pretty. But the "Need" is to fill a part of me that in the past, being feminine in some way helped me survive life.

Religious journey for me. In my teens, when I needed crossdressing to help me survive, I gave up on religion because I could not understand how God could bring me such lonelyness and alienation from my peers, so that there was no God. In my late 20's, I again found religion, from friends that accepted me for the way I was and the way I thought. And they did not try to turm me to their religion. They turned me to their religion by the example they lived. I researched their religion, and a few statements allowed me to understand and to convert to catholisism. In recent research into the hebrew text from which our english bibles came from, I again came across an important statement that afirms that I am one of God's children and he accepts me as a crossdresser/transgender individual just as I am.

Dee

[btmgrl6]

I can't speak for most tg people,but from my experience I think that I was predisposed to this. The way I hear it in this forum. Many (or most) Cd'ers are happy with thier male side,and have no desire to change it.

In my case...I did experience a lot of rejection from friends and some family in the beginning,some eventually came to terms with it...some didn't. Years later, I'd say that my experiences are more of some acceptance, some tolerance, and some who don't care care one way or another.


Spiritually. I don't think it's changed me.

Steph

[btmgrl6]

Your "TG" reference is a bit vauge. Are you concerned that he may want to become a girl..or are you concerned in terms of his sexuality. (maybe that he might be gay or bi-sexual) Or both? Some might think that one would naturally follow the other, but who knows? There are a million stories in the naked city. Just trying to cover more bases.




Steph

[Sheila]

Do most CD's become TG once they begin to dress enfemme?

from all I have read and learned in the past 8 months I have to say that NO most cdr's do not becomec TS ......(TS = transexual as opposed to TG =transgenderd)

We are all here to help answer your Questions AJ so ask away

Jess

[Holly]

Do most CD's become TG once they begin to dress en femme?Labels can be so confusing!! I view the term TG as a broad classification of those individuals who do not neatly fit into the female and male boxes. Using this definition, CD's would be TG. The designation TS is something entirely different. From my experience and based on the members of this community that I have spoken with, I find that most CD's are not TS. I've been dressing en femme for many, many years now and I am throughly satisfied with my life.


Do you find that you are 'rejected' by the majority of people that you've told about CD?No, not at all. My wife and my adult children know of my dressing. I have also told several friends that I CD. No one who I have told has rejected me or my family. Even out and about in the general public, I have not experienced rejection. That's not to say that there hasn't been a snicker or two over the years. But that is not a result of my dressing; it is a result of their ignorance of gender.


What is the attraction to CDing?I haven't a clue. But here are a couple of thoughts... For years and years, society assigned certain behaviors to specific genders. It was (and still is generally) unmanly to be demonstrative of emotions. God forbid a man cry, either tears of hurt or tears of joy. By donning the raiments of the feminine sex, it is like now having permission to display emotion. It is now acceptable for me to appreciate the range of color and texture of fabric. In short, I now have the freedom to explore and experience a wider variety of feelings and emotions than I would if left to the typical male stereotype. In my opinion, if gives the :entire me" a fuller understanding and appreciation of the world and those around me.


What about the spiritual or religious part of your life or does CDing have no effect on that?It has no affect on me. I am as committed to my God and my faith as I have ever been. I am the moderator of the Religion Discussion group on this forum. I have served as a church elder and lay minister. God's interest in us lays not on what we wear on the outside, but on how we manage our heart and how we use the gifts that He has give us.

Thanks for the questions. Good luck in finding your answers. :hugs:

[Kitty Sue]

Hi there are probably around 40 people who know that I am a CDer. I have yet to meet anybody who thinks I am bad or evil because of it. Of course I am selective about those that I tell.

As for the religious thing that is up to the individual. I have yet to meet anybody who follows the bible as the bible is written. If you know of one then please let me know. Sadly religion has become *******ised the world over. People myself included follow those things out of the bible that suit their respective lifestyles. I am in the military so I work on the Sabbath. I eat pork, I drink to excess, I lust etc etc.

I think the biggest thing is that some people including some SOs are worried about how people will perceive them if their family or friends realize they are with a CD person. This goes for many gay, straight or bi people who happen to find out their partner is CD or TG.

Also remember being a cross dresser is only a part of who your partner is. I doubt he would be the same person that you love if he was not a CD.

[claireswife-gg]

aj,

Not everyone that is a crossdresser wants to transition. My spouse is one of those that did, but she knew what she needed to do, I just had to coax it out of her. However, my spouse was also suffering from deep depression from being trans.

I would recommend, if you are in college, to see if there is a support group and perhaps talk to the counselor or someone in the group.

I would not let this upset you. It is not something awful. Our family and those few friends we have told have all been supportive. Crossdressing isn't really something that needs to be told, but my spouse is in transition, so it was important as the goal is to live full time.

I might suggest joining the GG section here, or reading Helen Boyd's book My Husband Betty. True Selves is a great book about transsexuals, but for CD I would recommend Helen's book.

Good luck, I hope you keep an open mind and heart and explore the subject fully. Feel free to email me if you want, you can contact me through my blog (I'm Annie) or PM me here if you need to talk.

[RobertaFermina]

As a physics bachelor, I know that empirical data is as important as theoretical research. I approve of your method!


Do most CD's become TG once they begin to dress enfemme?

When you say TG, it feels ambiguous - do you mean:
1. Physical TG, transitioning through surgery?
2. Identifying (nonsurgically) as a woman
3. Being a person who wears the clothing of the opposite sex?

Since #3 is true already, I assume you mean #1 or #2.

Speaking for myself: NO. I am glad to be a man *and* have access to nurturing and expressing my feminine/womanly side. I may be more and more visible in my life as a CD, but I will remain, in the main, a man.


Do you find that you are 'rejected' by the majority of people that you've told about CD?

NO. In my family and community I am accepted and tolerated by the overwhelming majority. I am rejected to my face, or ridiculed behind my back by a small minority.


What is the attraction to CDing?

For me, it is the visceral experience of femininity, and all the personality traits and tendencies I associate with being a girl/woman: freedom from my male M.O.; feeling like being an enigma is OK - I don't have to explain myself; I can just BE!; I can freely express what is in my heart and be judged a sissy, or woman and revel in that judgment; I can make myself beautiful "just because" - no need of an occasion; I can immerse myself in sensual aspects of society - clothing, scents, touch; I can flirt with both women and men without being threatened with a sexual harassment action.....oh! so much more!...Yes, some of my good friends tell me I <click> for them as a woman, when I seem a bit strained or aloof as a man.


What about the spiritual or religious part of your life or does CDing have no effect on that?

CDing causes me to look more deeply at my spiritual life - Love includes acceptance, and I have to accept myself, and those who do or do not accept me. My spirituality and church has no reason to promote or discourage Crossdressing, so it is a personal spiritual matter.

[MJ]

hi aj i will try to help you with your questions :-

Do most CD's become TG once they begin to dress enfemme?
from the friends i have met the answer is no most who CD love there S.O and just dress for there own reason most common is to relax , in so doing most want to be as feminine as possible dressing all the way including makeup and wig and nails , some pierce there ears , so we can look as genuine as possible
as for me well i am in transition to become a woman

Do you find that you are 'rejected' by the majority of people that you've told about CD?

from my experience it's 40 /60 % i did lose some family members and friends but i made new friend who accept me

What is the attraction to CDing?
we are born this way. some like to dress say once a month to those of us who just dress full time and there are a few of us who want the hormones and surgery , but most just like the way women's cloths fit and look

What about the spiritual or religious part of your life or does CDing have no effect on that?
i am a very spiritual person i attend a church that welcomes everyone from the GLBTQ , and i honestly feel god made me this way. and i am very active in the community at large...

Thanks again.

AJ

i hope this helps you, please feel free to pm, me should you need any more help
hugs Marissa

[IMkrystal]

AJ,
If more members of society responded to issues, they know nothing about, as you have done, planet EARTH would be much farther along in its cosmic development. I am enthralled by the responses your thread has generated. Your concern about rejection, raises an interesting question that each individual must ask themselves, and thanks to you, I will post it.

Perhaps, there is still hope!:2c:

[Mitzi]

AJ...

It sounds like you're asking whether all crossdressers would eventually want to become full time "women", giving up their male identities. If this is your question, the answer is an unequivical NO. The vast majority of crossdressers love their male lives and have no desire to give it up. At least, that's my opinion, despite the large number of members on this forum who profess wanting to live full time as women. That being said, the desire to dress as a female will remain pretty much for life. It is that strong and unrelenting.

We probably tend to only tell people we feel will be accepting. Our sense is that most people will reject us with unpleasant consequences.

We have no idea why it is so pleasurable/sensuous or whatever, to crossdress. It just is. We recognize the jeopardy we may be putting ourselves in by our dressing, but it's something we just can't "cure".

I believe one doesn't have to subscribe to each and every tenet of religious dogma, to be religious. So, being a crossdresser does not preclude being religious.

These are just my own opinions...and BTW, I was also a math major in a far distant past

Mitzi

[noname]

Do you find that you are 'rejected' by the majority of people that you've told about CD?

I'm pretty open but I don't throw it in peoples face. But i also don't dress over the top, I dress pretty conservative, mostly jeans and t-shirts. I don't tell people, I just be myself, though no one has said anything directly to me.


What is the attraction to CDing?

This is not an attack on you, but much of the attraction for me is that I should be entitled to the same rights women are. They can wear pants, skirts, even mens clothes, and their desire to express themselves is accepted by all. Why am I denied self expression, am I second class citizen? I want to be expressive, I have the same rights and I intend to exercise them. ** Refer to my sig **


What about the spiritual or religious part of your life or does CDing have no effect on that?

The chuch I went to basically let me know, I'm not wanted. I did find another church that believes in the acceptance of everyone.

[SandyR]

After more then 25 years of searching and thinking "must be strange" I realized we are just born this way, bottom line.

As fior me no desire to transform, I like the guy mode in me, its cool to work out, play football, and still enjoy the feeling of a nice skirt after freshly shaved legs.

My wife is the only one who knows and she is very supportive.

No impact to my spritual side......

Life is what we make it!


SandyR

[kay2]

I will simply speak for myself. Others here are giving you more general info, and pointers to other sources.



Do most CD's become TG once they begin to dress enfemme?

Though TG means many different things, for me, I enjoy feminine clothing. That's it. I'm straight and have a good relationship with a woman who seems to think enjoying pretty things is as much a right of men as women. As I told her, when we were dating, her major reaction was "can I borrow your skirts?". I am not at all physically attracted to men, and have no desire to change my sex or gender (whatever those words mean).



Do you find that you are 'rejected' by the majority of people that you've told about CD?

I haven't so much 'told' people, as simply allowed them to see me as who I am (to varying degrees). It hasn't changed my relationship with anyone - family or friends. (Parents had some concerns, but I told them "This is me - that's it - get over it." And they did.) Actually, I don't wear a wig, and on rare occasions just a touch of make-up. I am not interested in passing. So, given the stereotype of CDers, people probably believe I go further than I do. If anything, this just points out that, like the rest of the world, we are all different, and generalities are of limited use.



What is the attraction to CDing?

I don't know. I like women, and feminine things. Maybe it is an extension of my attraction to women. Do you ever wear attractive lingerie? Do you ever wear a skirt, or heels, or nail polish? Do you enjoy them? I am not trying to be rude - I really mean to ask those questions. For me, the reason why I wear feminine things might be the same as your (or some women's) reasons.



What about the spiritual or religious part of your life or does CDing have no effect on that?

No real connection. Of course, we are all "package deals." I am me in my totality - so, at some deep level, it might not be possible to separate out parts of me. However, my enjoyment of clothes has about as much connection to my spirituality as raising goldfish.

This is me. For others it will be quite different. Your search for information and input is wonderful. If the two of you can continue to have open and honest discussions, then you will be able to take explanations at face value. I wish the best for the two of you.

[Sally2005]

What it means to me is:

1. CDing is just dressing up in clothes. Any thing permanent is not the objective. Some people feel they need to change gender, but this is different from the way I feel, I just want to appear different for a short time.

2. I found that others have fun with it, but my experience is mostly limited to parties otherwise its a private activity for me. Otherwise the objective is to pass so I wouldn't expect to have to tell anyone in public and I would not tell many people I know because I don't know how it would impact the existing relationships I have with those people.

3. Its is an escape and stress release for me. And it is fun.

4. Religion has nothing to do with it.

[susie evans]

all of the comments i have read from the other responces make me happy to be part of this forum i wish i could and to what has already been said :hugs:

susie

[Satrana]

Do most CD's become TG once they begin to dress enfemme?

No, crossdressers find a balance between their male and female sides and very few discover later on that they want to go full-time, off the top of my head I would reckon less than 1%. Mostly we appreciate there are pluses and minuses for both genders and would rather pick and choose the best bits from both than be stuck with just one gender.


Do you find that you are 'rejected' by the majority of people that you've told about CD? Most cds only tell their wife and perhaps one or two others and mostly this is done only if we believe a positive outcome is likely. If we feel a person is likely to reject crossdressing we would not consider telling them. Even so, it is often a 50/50 chance if they are cool with the idea.


What is the attraction to CDing? Your question hints that this is a choice as if it is a hobby. For some it is, but mostly cds are addressing a need. By crossdressing we are able to express whatever aspect of femininity that we wish to express but which is denied to us because men are forbidden to behave in any manner which is deemed feminine. Quite simply, crossdressing is self-expression which I would imagine is all the attraction anyone needs to do something.


What about the spiritual or religious part of your life or does CDing have no effect on that?
Despite what you may think you know, despite what your chuch may tell you, there is nothing in the Bible which says crossdressing is a sin and indeed such an idea goes against the very concepts of love and acceptance tought by Jesus himself. Why would you think that a man dressing in feminine clothing should have spiritual problems anymore than a woman dressing in masculine clothing? Do you feel sinful for wearing pants?
Clothes are just clothes. The problem is society's prejudices.

[melissacd]

AJ,

I know that to any woman this can be a big shock, surprise and take a bit of getting used to, but cross dressing is not a bad thing, in fact it can be a very positive thing. You are engaged to someone who can bring a whole new wonderful and rich dimension to your relationship if you just open your heart and your mind to the possibilities. Now that being said, not all women can accept this (my wife for example - now ex wife). It takes a great deal of acceptance, affection, attention, appreciation and allowing a person to be who they are in a relationship to make it work. Communication is key, love and respect and a willingness to learn and understand (which you are doing) is key. I for one really appreciate that you are taking the time to research this and you have come to the right site to learn about the positive aspects of cross dressing.

It would be well worth it for you to a) have lots of conversations with your fiancee and get his thoughts and feelings on the subject and also express your concerns and ask your questions of him and b) read some books like "My Husband Betty" an excellent book and the books by Peggy Rudd (good information though written in a somewhat dry and hard to read format.

I will give you my thoughts on your questions:

Do most CD's become TG once they begin to dress enfemme?

I am not quite sure what you are asking here. If you are asking if cross dressers become bi-sexual when they are dressed, that really depends on the person. Bi-sexuality and homosexuality within the cross dresser community is no more prevalent then it is in the world at large so a person is no more nor less inclined to be that way because they cross dress. What this means is that most cross dressers are hetero and happy to be that way.

Do you find that you are 'rejected' by the majority of people that you've told about CD?


The only person I have told outside of the cross dressing community is my wife and yes I was rejected - big time. She is now my ex wife. There is lots of history to all of this and I won't go into that here, you can read my past threads if you want to learn more. In my adventures out into the world dressed en femme I have not yet had a negative experience. I present myself well and appropriate for my age and act friendly and I get friendly back. This is not to say that some people might have a problem with this, but it is there problem not mine. After almost 4 decades of not accepting this part of myself and after several years of reflection I have come to embrace my femme side as a gift that makes me more complete as a human. I would never want to be any other way now.

What is the attraction to CDing?
Well to me CDing is more than just the clothes, though the clothes, fashion, looking good, learning about hair and makeup and shoes and such is a wonderful experience. I am sure there are many women out there who enjoy fashion, hair and make up too. This is not a desire that is limited to women, many men desire this too. I also just really enjoy the softness and sensuality of feminine things, I love the increased richness of my emotions and my relationships now that I have connected with my feminine side, I have developed sensitivities and behaviours that have made me a much better person, I feel good about myself and I love to shop for clothes :-)

What about the spiritual or religious part of your life or does CDing have no effect on that?


There is nothing spiritually wrong with cross dressing. I am no less spiritual as a cross dresser than a non-cross dressing male. In fact perhaps I have become more spiritual. It really adds a whole new depth and completeness to who we are.
Thanks again.

I hope that I have been able to give you some useful insights to this thing we do and I am happy to answer any other questions that you may have.

Thanks for your interest and I wish you the best in sorting this out with your fiancee.

Huggs
Melissa

[Sheri 4242]

*Take a deep breath*

Hi all,

I've been doing quite a bit of "research" lately about CD and I don't think that I've been finding anything reputable. I'm a math major and I know how important having all the right info is before you can finish anything is so I decided to come to the source. Now I know how the answers apply to my fiance but, I want to know answers from the rest of the community. I have a few questions I would like to start off with and I would appreciate as much advice or help you could give. Thanks for helping to clear some confusion.

Do most CD's become TG once they begin to dress enfemme?

Do you find that you are 'rejected' by the majority of people that you've told about CD?

What is the attraction to CDing?

What about the spiritual or religious part of your life or does CDing have no effect on that?

Thanks again.

AJ


Wow, AJ! Reading between the lines, those are some heavy questions. I'll do my best to answer as far as my knowledge and opinions go. I thnk you'll find that there will be some differences in opnions between many of us on here. Not only am I a m-t-f heterosexual crossdresser -- lifelong; have known it and been doing it to various degrees since around the age of 4-5 (am now in my fifties) -- and I have been involved in some post graduate research on the subject. I think you'll find that where there is disagreement, most everbody on here can disagree without being disagreable!

1. A crossdresser, IMO, is "transgendered" whether dressed or not -- it is a state of mind, not current attire. I say this b/c, even though a precise definition for transgender seems to be constantly in debate depending on who you speak to, in general it is a term that IS applied to different (a.) individuals, (b.) behaviors, and (c.) groupings.

That said, the term TG involves a divergence from societal norms for gender (society's current traditional norms). IOW: "transgender" is the state of one's "gender identity" and not their sexual orientation. As one author put it: " . . . it is either non-identification with, or non-presentation as, the gender one was assigned at birth." So, it is generally applied to where there is ambiguity regarding conventional notions of male and female, or non-conformity to those notions, or moving between the two, sexual orientation notwithstanding.

Another scholarly writer wrote, "A transgender individual may have characteristics that are normally associated with a particular gender, identify elsewhere on the traditional gender continuum, or exist outside of it as "other," "agender," "intergender," or "third gender". Transgender people may also identify as bigender, or along several places on either the traditional transgender continuum, or the more encompassing continuums which have been developed in response to the significantly more detailed studies done in recent years."

SO, a CD is TG b/c they have a definite dichotomy of their being (a male aspect and a female aspect) and the aspect that is oposite of their anotomical sex is manifested through crossdressing. A TS is TG b/c they believe they were born the wrong sex.

2.) Personally, I have told very few people. Of those I have told, 80%-90% have been accepting, and about 10%-20% have not been accepting. The high rate of acceptance of those I have told may be due to the fact that I have pretty much screened people I wanted to tell and had an inkling of how they might respond.

3.) The attraction to CDing is simple: it is a visible and outward expression of the feminine side of my very being. It is difficult to articulate, but I feel great joy, peace, and happiness when I dress!!!

4.) Let me answer your last question in two parts: when I crossdress I feel spiritually at great peace!!! I have a spiritual side to the male aspect of my being, but, for me, the spirituality of my feminine side is greater. My crossdressing has no effect on my religious life. I know some people point out that the Bible says one shouldn't dress in the clothing of the opposite sex, but, the historian in me notes that this mandate was for specific reasons (avoiding military service, as well as other reasons that have been discussed on this chat board previously). And, pragmatically, at the time those dictates were written, Roman soldiers wore skirts -- so did elite Greek soldiers -- and, most all men wore robes (and the richer one was, the more elaborate the robes with the finest of cloths), so the Bible couldn't possibly be saying that men shouldn't wear dress-like garments or skirts. Regardless, one has to consider the historic reasons behind many Biblical dictates to put them in perspective; you can't always take them at translated literal face value.

Okay: hope I wasn't too long-winded, but it did seem you were seeking comprehensive answers. I hope my responses help you.

[kerrianna]

Some really great and honest answers here so I'll be (unusually :heehee: ) brief:



Do most CD's become TG once they begin to dress enfemme?
I agree that most CDs qualify as a type of TG, depending on how you define that. Barbara's answer tackles that. Most TG people don't want to transition, many (like me) don't really care if they pass.



Do you find that you are 'rejected' by the majority of people that you've told about CD?
I haven't told many people, but so far so good. I think people think of me as being a bit original and creative, so it's just part of my 'interestingness' :happy: . People can see how happy I am about it, so they're happy for me.



What is the attraction to CDing?
Again, a lot of good answers already here. I think for me I've discovered it is because I have a strong feminine presence within me. It's been that way since I was little, but I never found a way to express it before. Now it connects me very deeply to an important part of my soul. Like others have said - it nourishes and enriches me, it sets me free and makes me a better, more balanced person. It allows me to love myself and others more easily.



What about the spiritual or religious part of your life or does CDing have no effect on that?
CDing has helped develop and open my spirituality. It has become a very important part of my spiritual quest. When I use the term CDing what I mean is nuturing my feminine side in tandem with my masculine side, whether I dress or not. I feel more completely in control and connected now. Before it was like driving a car with only two wheels on one side.



Thanks again.

AJ


Thank you AJ for allowing us to express ourselves. I hope it helps you on your journey too. :hugs:

[Tree GG]

My fiance and I do talk, er at least on my end heavy crying from immense confusion, but we currently live 2 hours apart due to me being in college. Trust me though this would be a lot harder if I were back at home and four hours apart.


It's very hard for them to talk about it. The gurls here state shame and learned secrecy as a few of the reasons. I personally think that it's been such a private thing for them for so long that expressing what/why/how/when/where of the past and future desires is not only uncomfortable, but it changes their CD experience. Not always for the better. And it's a very sensitive spot for most of them initially. Offense is taken easily as they look for negative judgement and insult. Be careful how you talk about it to avoid misunderstandings.

Patience and detachment is needed by the SO, IMO. Certainly ask your questions and be 100% honest with him & yourself about how you feel. But sometimes it takes days or weeks before you can get an answer to a question, if ever. And the answers will change as they start thinking about their CDing feelings and hopefully considering your perspective. Mine, at least, never really thought about it much (in terms of why and what did it mean) until I found out and started asking questions.

But in the end, no amount of questioning or demanding will get you answers. He has to find the way to communicate openly and patiently to you. It'll never work if you continually have to drag the info out of him. Just my :2c:

Each CD is a little different - and their future plans vary as well. Your guy will have to tell you his and then you can decide if you can live with that. It's very encouraging that you found out now so you can make an informed and deliberate decision to incorporate transgenderism into your life, or not.

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

My fiance and I do talk, er at least on my end heavy crying from immense confusion, but we currently live 2 hours apart due to me being in college. Trust me though this would be a lot harder if I were back at home and four hours apart.

Thank you for your answers so far, I am trying to think of more questions.
I can relate to that AJ . myself & my SO arent together, & we are about nearly 2 hours apart !! so most of the c/d convo is done over phone !! :( & yep ends in tears ( on my part ) because i get alittle angry/confused myself sometimes . BUT i now just ask questions straight out !! if im not 100% happy with something re: the c/d , i ask. i used to be scarred to do so, but now +? narh if i want the answer ( be it good or bad ) , i ask . Unfortunatly conducting the realtionship over a phone isnt that wonderful sometimes, and often as not makes matters worse :sad: but.... been on here AJ will help you a great deal, from both c/d & GG's :hugs:

[Lovely Rita]

*Take a deep breath*

Hi all,

I've been doing quite a bit of "research" lately about CD and I don't think that I've been finding anything reputable. I'm a math major and I know how important having all the right info is before you can finish anything is so I decided to come to the source. Now I know how the answers apply to my fiance but, I want to know answers from the rest of the community. I have a few questions I would like to start off with and I would appreciate as much advice or help you could give. Thanks for helping to clear some confusion.

Do most CD's become TG once they begin to dress enfemme?

Do you find that you are 'rejected' by the majority of people that you've told about CD?

What is the attraction to CDing?

What about the spiritual or religious part of your life or does CDing have no effect on that?

Thanks again.

AJ


Speaking for myself and myself alone:

I want no part of being TG, or Transexual. It is not in my makeup. I like, no I love being exactly as I am.

So far whoever I have told has been very very supportive.

CDing is part of me. It is one of the many facets of my person.

My spirituality is enhanced because I am trully being myself and not going through some stereotypical motions.

The Truth will set you free.

[jayseedee]

*Take a deep breath*

Hi all,

I've been doing quite a bit of "research" lately about CD and I don't think that I've been finding anything reputable. AJ


Hi AJ, I don't know if it's "reputable" but it is honest, if you wan't to know what I came up with after over 40 years of "research" it's on http://groups.google.com/group/alt.support.crossdressing/browse_thread/thread/595d24aa2137b7ba/a1b896516e4d8cd2#a1b896516e4d8cd2
Too long to post on here.
James

[Sheri 4242]

It's very hard for them to talk about it. The gurls here state shame and learned secrecy as a few of the reasons. I personally think that it's been such a private thing for them for so long that expressing what/why/how/when/where of the past and future desires is not only uncomfortable, but it changes their CD experience. Not always for the better. And it's a very sensitive spot for most of them initially. Offense is taken easily as they look for negative judgement and insult. Be careful how you talk about it to avoid misunderstandings.

Patience and detachment is needed by the SO, IMO. Certainly ask your questions and be 100% honest with him & yourself about how you feel. But sometimes it takes days or weeks before you can get an answer to a question, if ever. And the answers will change as they start thinking about their CDing feelings and hopefully considering your perspective. Mine, at least, never really thought about it much (in terms of why and what did it mean) until I found out and started asking questions.

But in the end, no amount of questioning or demanding will get you answers. He has to find the way to communicate openly and patiently to you. It'll never work if you continually have to drag the info out of him. Just my :2c:

Each CD is a little different - and their future plans vary as well. Your guy will have to tell you his and then you can decide if you can live with that. It's very encouraging that you found out now so you can make an informed and deliberate decision to incorporate transgenderism into your life, or not.

Tree GG is right in several ways. A crossdresser talking about his CDing can be very, very difficult -- especially the younger the CD. As an example from my own experience, when I was in my 20's my CDing was a deep, deep, dark secret -- it was something I was deeply ashamed of, and I was full of guilt, and you cannot imagine the fear I experienced that somebody might find out. I had experienced a few gf's that were very accepting, but it took a long time to ever bring the subject up, and I was so afraid of being outed, I didn't really trust them the way I should have. I went through many purges and desperately wanted this "thing" to be gone from me! Today, in my early 50's, I am more open and getting more and more open.

Today I realize that I don't want this aspect taken from me b/c I now know it IS a significant part of my very being.

My wife reached her wonderful acceptance level when she realized that much of what she loved about me came from "my second self" -- the feminine side of my very being.

Another thing is what I said to you in my first post : the psychology of CDing is rooted in a subject matter that not only isn't fully agreed upon, but one that still has a long way to go in research and study. For example, my earlier post said that a crossdresser is "transgendered" whether dressed or not because it is a state of mind and inner-being, and not a state of current attire. As I noted, a a precise definition of "transgendered" is in debate depending on who you speak to, but in general it is a term that IS applied to different (a.) individuals, (b.) behaviors, and (c.) groupings.

What is generaly agreed upon to some level is that the term TG involves a difference from societal norms for gender (society's current traditional norms).

I applaud you and your bf b/c your journey is, at your point in life, light years ahead of where so many of us where. Just remember, "transgendered" is the state of one's "gender identity" and not their sexual orientation. It is either non-identification with, or non-presentation from, the gender one was assigned at birth." So, it is applied to where there is ambiguity regarding conventional notions of male and female, or non-conformity to those notions, or moving between the two, sexual orientation notwithstanding.

Just remember, a CD is TG b/c we have a definite dichotomy of our very inner being (a male aspect and a female aspect) -- and the aspect that is oposite of our anotomical sex is manifested through crossdressing.

One thing my wife learned that helped -- and a defense SHE is quick to use is that it is quite okay for gg's to dress in articles of male clothing and nobody thinks there is a thing wrong with it -- in fact, it can even be considered "chic" and/or sexy. Look through V Secrets catalogues for some examples of what I mean -- how many panty styles are called "boyshorts" b/c they look like men's shorts?!! Isn't it a major contradiction that a gg can wear articles of men's clothing and be considered stylish, yet the opposite is not true?!!! How many times do you see women in business attire that is nearly (or exactly) like men's? Now, what would happen if I walked into the board room in a pencil skirt, silk blouse, and heels???

Well, I've said enough for now -- I hate it when I get to rambling like this. I do want to help you and your bf, though. My wife asked why I was up writing on the laptop for so long in the middle of the night (I was writing my first post to you). I told her what was going on and she said to tell you "why does it matter -- look at us, I'm sleeping in a man's t-shirt and your in a nightie -- we're both dressed as we want and like, so what's the big deal!!! She's right!!! Perhaps you and yor bf will have to learn to establish boundaries -- and then only move (or remove) them as your individual understanding or omfort level increases!!!

When my wife and I were in grade school, girls HAD to wear dresses and/or skirts, and boys had to wear pants (and NO denim). By high school, (late 60's) the dress codes had really gone in the opposite direction -- and boy were miniskirts in style. How I wantd to be able to dress that way!!! My point is to look back over history and you'll see major changes in acceptable attire -- today's gg's can thank WW II in no small part b/c "Rosie the Riviter" had to wear slacks. She may have put a dress on when the troops came marching home, but she liked what she had experienced -- the freedom to wear slacks when she wanted! (The elite Greek troops still wear skirts, though! lol)

[Lissa Stevens]

Do most CD's become TG once they begin to dress enfemme?
I don't believe so. You are either TG or you are not. Some CDers may come to realize they are TG but it does not lead to it.

Do you find that you are 'rejected' by the majority of people that you've told about CD?
Only my parents ever knew and they were not supportive. They wanted me to have counseling and assumed I was gay which to them was bad.

What is the attraction to CDing?
It just feels correct.

What about the spiritual or religious part of your life or does CDing have no effect on that?
I have struggled with that aspect and have come to the conclusion that a loving God would not reject me because of my being CD/TG, it is the humans who reject us.

[aj_gg]

I want to thank all of you for your answers so far. They have been very helpful to me thus far. I think my fiance can attest that I have made a few strides within the past few days. Lately I have been nervous scared and as open as I can be and am hoping to understand as much as I possibly can.

I have some more questions if you don't mind and thus far it doesn't seem like it all.

What do you think is the best trait your SO has about your CD?

Is or do you want your SO to be involved in your CDing?

How do you feel about the vast change in women's gender roles as the role of men has predominately stayed the same?

What is the biggest hurt you have felt personally from your CDing?

If you could tell any SO, GG, or just the next random person you meet on the street anything about CDing or yourself, what would it be?

Thanks again,
AJ

[noname]

What do you think is the best trait your SO has about your CD?

My SO gives me quite a bit of freedom. I can mostly wear what I want as long as it isn't over femm and in good taste, which is all I want, so it works out pretty well.


Is or do you want your SO to be involved in your CDing?

Mine doesn't mind going to store or mall with me, of course I never try to pass or dress over the top if you will.


How do you feel about the vast change in women's gender roles as the role of men has predominately stayed the same?

I definately would like the same freedom of expression that women are permitted in everyday life. They have more choices in life, be it stay at home or career. Men are not given the same life style choices. Reality is, a mans value is based on how much he makes and how much he can provide, and a womens value on how pretty she is, or can glam up. It has been this way for centuries and hasn't changed. It would be nice if society could start to see men for who they instead of how much money they make. This maybe be a contributing factor as to why a man dressing in womens clothes is considered degrading, as he would not be filling his roll as man.


What is the biggest hurt you have felt personally from your CDing?

I would have to say a lack of understanding and respect from society as a whole. I'm not a second class citizen, or so I say.


If you could tell any SO, GG, or just the next random person you meet on the street anything about CDing or yourself, what would it be?

I'd like GG's to understand it is rude to point and laugh at someone, especially if you are wearing the same type of thing. What makes GG's think they are entitled to special privledges? Were all just people, and I'm looking for equal respect.

I do recommend reading the book, "The Myth of Male Power" It shows how men are not in control of their lives, and living as a male is contrary to the popular phrase, "It's a mans world" But worry not, it's not a male power book, the author has actually headed up many womens rights groups. I haven't finished it, but a good book if your looking to understand how we have evolved into the roles assigned to our gender today.

[silkie h]

Ok aj,
Answer to query (1) Most definitely not

(2) No. But did not come out to other than family at first.

(3) No attraction as such. It is part of our characer

(4) If any effect it will be guilt for something that we cannot avoid as it is part of our character. We cannot avoid basic desires. We can keep them dormant, but no more than that

Sean

[natasha]

I truly hope this thread doesnt get buried. I am a cd, of course, and my wife does know. She, to this point, has been accepting of my cd'ing.

As is common, a halloween adventure released Natasha from a long denied reality. That being said "a long denied reality" I always somehow knew that if I ever wore womens clothes I would have a hard time stopping as I always had a desire and knowledge that I was not "of the norm". Now that the cat is out of the bag so to say, the need and reality of letting my feminine persona is almost overwhelming. My wife does know and is accepting but also has expressed concern that I might be going the other way. She also has asked if I wanted to be a woman, to which I responed no. Honestly though my thoughts are mixed, meaning I really don't have a solid idea of where I am at.

Everybody is different and views their surroundings and experiences differently. Communication with your spouse/s.o. imperative to coming to a mutual understanding of each others feelings. Sometimes that understanding can't be reached, other times a crossroads can be found. I for one hope that my wife and I can see the middle road and continue our lives together. It may not happen, but we can try anyways.

In closing, for me anyway, I always knew there was something different about me that the mainstream population considered left/right. I tried and tried to maintain "mainstream" but I have come to the realization that everyone is who they are and that may not be what is considered normal by the majority.

If my post is out of line or not appropriate please disregard. It was nice to be able to let some of my thoughts out.

[Sheri 4242]

I want to thank all of you for your answers so far. They have been very helpful to me thus far. I think my fiance can attest that I have made a few strides within the past few days. Lately I have been nervous scared and as open as I can be and am hoping to understand as much as I possibly can.

I have some more questions if you don't mind and thus far it doesn't seem like it all.

What do you think is the best trait your SO has about your CD?

Is or do you want your SO to be involved in your CDing?

How do you feel about the vast change in women's gender roles as the role of men has predominately stayed the same?

What is the biggest hurt you have felt personally from your CDing?

If you could tell any SO, GG, or just the next random person you meet on the street anything about CDing or yourself, what would it be?

Thanks again,
AJ

AJ,

I applaud your efforts to learn and try to reach some initial level of tolerance, if not acceptance!

I was telling my wife a little about your posts and those of your bf. She wanted me to add to any post I might make that if you can find your way to acceptance, you will be affirming a special love -- after all, many of the qualities that you found attractive in your bf are one's that are direct extentions of his "second self," or, IOW, his feminine side. She also said that if you two set moveable boundaries (moveable as comfort levels increase) you'll find that your life might progress into something where the levels of intimacy (and she didn't mean sex, but rather close intimate feelings and talk) will be more intense than anything you could ever imagine! Her last piece of advice was to let your bf know that as you become more and more accepting of his CDing, that you should also make certain he understands that there will be times when you will want -- when you will need -- your man (his masculine side). His two aspects can work to your benefit and happiness! So'ooo, message delivered!

As to your new questions . . .

1.) I definitely want my wife involved in my CDing -- it is important if we are to have an honest and open relationship!!!

My wife gives me tremendous freedom to dress. I always wear panties -- don't even have any men's underwear anymore. I always sleep in nighties (wife sleeps in male t-shirts). I dress a great deal at home -- but frequently, it is just the clothing and I don't, b/c of time constraints, go all the way with make-up (though she certainly has given me enough make-up. We shop for my clothing together and apart. (Sometimes, she gets an attitude about the size of Barbara's wardrobe and institutes the 2-for-1 rule: for every one thing Barbara gets, my wife gets two - lol!!!)

2.) In the main, men don't have the choices that women do (work or stay at home). That said, more and more women are breaking the glass ceiling in business, and more men are becoming stay-at home dads. Women have more freedom in expression through attire without stigma; men do not have anywhere near the same level of choices if they are to be considered in the norm.

3.) The biggest hurt? Well, it hurts that I cannot freely express my feminine side publically without being considered weird, demented, or a pervert.

4.) What would I tell people? That I feel special inside -- special b/c I have an inner dichotomy of my very being. I'd like to be able to express my feminine side without being considered gay or whatever -- that I am a heterosexual male however I dress -- one with an inner duality that would like to be able to freely express my other side.

[Amanda Shaft]

Hi AJ, I’ll chip in my answers to your questions, but remember these are just my views!

I’ve been Cding for many years but have only recently started to go out, it’s been great! I am trying to pass and to achieve this I have shaved my legs and armpits, I will be getting my ears pierced and I have started to make enquiries about having my ‘beard’ removed. This however is as far as I wish to go, in other words I will do what I can to pass but will stop short of anything that I can’t ‘get away with’ when in my male guise. Therefore this lady is content to be what she is; to go the whole nine yards would be unthinkable. Would I transform if there was a magic pill to make me female: yes! And I’d be 21 again at the same time please!

Only my SO knows about my cding and I think she’s cool with it, although I only told her a couple of weeks ago after living together for about eight years. Other people have met me whilst dressed but those are part of the community anyway so I can’t take you much further on this one.

What the attraction is I don’t know! Its just part of who I am, who I have always been: ask me why I laugh at certain things, why I’m 5’7” and not 6’2”, why I’m right handed and not left the answers the same: that’s just me; the way I’m put together I can not be anything else.

I don’t think this is the time or place to discuss my beliefs, however could it be that cding is an echo from a previous life or even better a prelude to a future one! Or that when I arrive in heaven I’ll be wearing stilettos and a pencil skirt? Others would argue I’m heading for hell and my nylons won’t take the heat! Who knows!?

I admire your quest for knowledge and hope that you discover what you’re looking for.

Hugs Amanda x

[melissacd]

What do you think is the best trait your SO has about your CD?

Well before my SO and I decided to split up there were not any good traits that she had related to my CDing, however, now that we have agreed to go our own separate ways she has become very open and accepting of this.

Is or do you want your SO to be involved in your CDing?
Because my wife and I have decided to split up that question is academic now, however, had we been able to work this out i would have enjoyed having her share this with me as I feel that it would have made the relationship much richer.

How do you feel about the vast change in women's gender roles as the role of men has predominately stayed the same?
I feel that it is wonderful that women have been able to open up their possibilities and that needs to start happening in the male domain as well. Becoming more open, accepting, tolerating and embracing differences can only make the world a more loving and wonderful place.

What is the biggest hurt you have felt personally from your CDing?

The biggest hurt has been the inability of my wife to understand this part of me to the point where she felt it necessary to split up.

If you could tell any SO, GG, or just the next random person you meet on the street anything about CDing or yourself, what would it be?
Everything...I do not want to have this as a hidden part of who I am any more. All future relationships will know about my femme side right from the beginning and know that it is a non-negotiable part of who I am, a part of the package that has to be accepted. If a future partner cannot accept that then there is no point in wasting time on a relationship that will just end up filled with pain, frustration and anger.

[aj_gg]

Everything that all of you ladys have been posting has been a great help to me. I will write another new post about all of this but I would still love to hear your views.

[Satrana]

What do you think is the best trait your SO has about your CD?

The fact that she does not bat an eye no matter what I wear - male or female, she sees me, her hubby, not the clothes. Just because I wear a dress does not mean I am no longer a man. I am just as much a "real man" as any other.



Is or do you want your SO to be involved in your CDing?
Since my dressing is not an event, not something which has to be negotiated and arranged, there is no "involvement" in that I just wear the clothes I want and we carry on as normal. I feel no need to ask her to help me dress, I am not a kid and have no fantasies about sisterhood etc.



How do you feel about the vast change in women's gender roles as the role of men has predominately stayed the same? I am very happy this has happened, society has greatly benefited. I feel sad that there is no movement to upgrade men's roles and perhaps more importantly how women view and think about men as this is causing so much trouble in the relationships between cds and their SOs.


What is the biggest hurt you have felt personally from your CDing? That I was all alone for so long with no information. The hurt and shame I learned as a child haunted me well into adulthood. It has taken much time to unlearn this. I hope future generations with access to the internet will learn that they are not alone and they are not perverts.


If you could tell any SO, GG, or just the next random person you meet on the street anything about CDing or yourself, what would it be?
That I am no different from anyone else and do not want to be treated any differently. Gender phobia is just another stupid and wrong prejudice alongside racism, sexism, bigotry etc. It is not my problem if you cannot deal with it anymore than my skin color is or what lies between my legs.

[Carin's Wife GG]

I really wish I had this forum when my DH told me twelve years ago! I hope to join the GG group here and would love to chat with you there too.


Louise.

[aj_gg]

All of you have been great thus far and I'm still racking my little brain for questions. I know I have them and it's just a matter of getting them out on the keyboard.

Thanks again.