Rejection

[IMkrystal]

Individuals, groups, and communities have dealt with rejections in many different ways through the years. It is a emotional fear that all of us learn in childhood that can grows into something that controls many aspects of our day to day life.

Having been a member of this form for nearly one year, I have enjoyed reading my many different threads. Thanks to a new members post, I fell onto this recurring theme that many of the threads have in common. That recurring theme is our fear of rejection. Be it:


-hiding crossdressing from family, friends, or SOs.
-SOs threatening to leave at the mere mentioning of this topic, and to compound this fear, than baby feeding them, into hopefully one day accepting who you are.
-going out en femme, hoping no one will catch on.
-asking a SA for help without her running away in shock!
-having guilt over why I do this and the difficulties it is causing in life, i.e. fear of rejection
-the false belief, What Rejection?
-So On, So ON ,and SO On ........


I too struggle with rejection. But, the last time I looked, crossdressing is not a criminal offense. It is neither, contagious nor addicting. Is it harmful to others? That depends on which side of the fence your on.

My Question to all:


What is it about “CROSSDRESSING” that either makes you feel afraid or fearful?


My Follow up question:

Does hiding our behavior contributes to others stigmatizing it as not desirable?

[Roxi Loh]

Just that I cant put on a set of heels...make up and a dress and walk into work and have no one notice. It is a significant issue. I agree that it should be otherwise...but it is not now.

[RobertaFermina]

First of all, Crossdressing makes me feel creative, beautiful, and wonderful !

I experience fear when I think of the power and politics of being a crossdresser.

In the world where I am known as a man, I sacrifice some of my POWER when I identify as part of a less-privileged minority. Transgender persons have fewer or as few rights as any minority.

Those who accept me as a man risk loss of their POWER if they are seen to accept me as a crossdressing man.

Until there is a catalyzing event or movement to neutralize the mass delusion that crossdressers are any more or less human than anyone else, these power politics will be a fact.

It scares me that I can just be myself, enjoy this wonderful gift, and throw all my other relationships into uproar, or even lose some of them.

Then theres the small matter that Transgender persons are singled out for physical abuse and murder at a much higher frequency than normal.


And also, I crave attention and approval - I have not achieved the enlightened stage of serene detachment from the actions and words of others...still attached to what I *think* other people are thinking. To the extent that I am so attached and craving of approval - social rejection and even social silence leaves me with an ache, like a hunger that cannot be fed.

Also I feel depression sometimes, from being so angry at the injustice of it all, and having nowhere to go with that anger except to a support group or other TG Friendlies. Even that isn't always enough. As many of us know, unexpressed or internalized anger (rage even) leads to depression, and the fear that is despair. The only antidote is to dress up and go out and have a good time.


Hope that is not all TMI!

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[melissacd]

Cross dressing no longer makes me feel afraid. There was a time in my life when I felt guilty and shameful about this behaviour, however, after many years of reflection, reading others stories, chatting with others about this topic, I fuly embrace it, love it and would have it no other way.

Now that does not mean to say that I don't expect that there will be rejection of this by people in the world, but at the end of the day that is something that only they can deal with. All I can do is control the way that I act and respond to the world and I choose to respond in a positive and supportive and friendly way showing by example that cross dressing is a perfectly healthy and acceptable thing.

[noname]

It's fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, no one wants to be laughed at.

[kathly]

I am also fearfull of rejection and people making fun of me because of my dressing.

[XDW Nathan-Natasha]

But, the last time I looked, crossdressing is not a criminal offense. It is neither, contagious nor addicting. Is it harmful to others? That depends on which side of the fence your on.

Neither have I found that it's a sin to cross-dress - at least in the Catholic church. I mean, there's nothing in the Catechism (big book o' regulations - the instruction manual, I guess) that says you can't do it. I've heard mixed things from priests ('it's okay' , 'it's not okay'; at least I haven't heard 'you do WHAT?') but that's to be expected when it comes to something so unclearly cut. I don't know the 'official, official' stance on it or what other religions say about it, but I don't think I can justly use a spiritual argument against it myself. But that's beside the point...

I feel fearful about cross-dressing too, but no so much becasue I do it but because of what others (my siblings, my future in-laws, etc.) would think if they found out. I am afraid that I'd be rejected by them. I know God won't reject me for example, I know my fiance won't, nor will my parents. But it's those people that I'm close to, yet not so strongly attatched to that I fear being rejected by the most because the bonds holding us together are so easily broken. I really want to tell my siblings but...what then? I really fear that rejection would follow, followed by condemnation, and then despair (on my part). Can I risk what small bonds I have with them?

This is an invaluable post, IMkrystal; I'm glad you brought it up.

[XDW Nathan-Natasha]

I guess one thing comes to mind when I think about this, ladies. We may fear being laughed at, we may fear ridicule, and we may fear rejection - but ultimately what have we to fear if we know that this is a part of us. We are beautiful people - when dressed and when not - and that is something that nobody can take from us. We can only give that away. It's just so hard to hold onto sometimes - espeically when we're under fire (though I don't know what that's like yet, I can only go by the rest of your experiences and fear the worst...though I know I shouldn't...)
This is probably the biggest cliche I can throw out here... but, at least we've got eachother, right? (Big moan from the audience, a happy ending, play the music and roll the credits... but it's not that easy.)

[Paula Jaye]

The biggest fear is loss: loss of loved ones. It shouldn't be this way but society has made it so. If you step outside the norm you will be ostracized. It's getting better but it will take time.

[Kate Simmons]

As Roberta pointed out, this fear is a mass delusion perpetuated by Society in various ways to ensure it's "normality". Society is anything but "normal" and their delusion is self-defeating in many ways. By non-tolerant attitudes, Society is actually undermining itself and it's own roots. Society is made up of individuals who contribute to the whole. The problem as I see it is: Who determines what is acceptable and what is not? It seems to me that we, as individual members of society, have something to say about that.
Structures are in place and have been for years but do the structures hold up? I'm talking about political structures, religious structures, social structures, family structures. Many of these supposed "structures" are not on "solid ground" and are eroding and have been for quite awhile. Not that they ever were on solid ground to begin with, but the facades seemed to be and this is why they seem to be self-perpetuating. The image, however, is only as good as the people who project it. Talk about living in a fantasy world!
The reality is who we are as people and how we interact and feel about others. We all have a choice. We can choose to either go along with the crowd and perpetuate the myth or we can create and live our own reality. This is what I've realized that I have to do. It's become apparent to me that I can no longer support the illusion of something that is not real, not conscientiously, that is. It seems like an up hill battle sometimes but I have to try. Anything less and I'm not being true to myself. The price is sometimes high and I've already paid most of it by being ostrasized by family and friends. I could drop it all and return to keep the myth going but now that I've gotten to taste the truth about who I really am, I cannot. I've made my choice and up hill battle or not, I'm committed. That is my choice, however, and each person has to make their own.:happy: Sal

[DawnL]

I think what makes me most fearful is not so much being "found out" but embarassing my wife or others that I love. There certainly is the fear of society's rejection of something that feels so normal to us but I think, or at least like to think, that I don't want to do anyting that might put a family member in a predicament (how do I react to this? What would my friends think?). Maybe it's the fear of what their reaction would be. I am gettting ready to visit my mom in Florida, we just found out that she had been admitted to the hospital, and my wife and I actually talked about swimsuits and the fact that my toenails are always painted and things of that nature. Because it is Florida and sandals are the footwear of choice there. I would never let anyone know without my wife's knowledge and hopefully permission. I think also if I thought I looked better I would be more willing to face society's slings and arrows, maybe some day. But of course this is just more of making the decision based on society's standards.

It sure would be nice if people thought differently about this and these decisions weren't even needed.

As far as your "follow up question" is concerned. I think absolutely! Unfortunately it is not a major political problem where someone is willing to sacrifice thier life to make a point. Most of us, if we go out at all, would willingly sit "in the back of the bus." As a matter of fact we may not even get on unless the back seat is available. I think that when you try to hide something you tacitly admit that there is something wrong with what you do, even thought the reason for you hiding it is not your view of it but thiers.

[Karren H]

Well I'm to busy going out enfemme to be afraid.... Guess if I sat right down and thought about all the things that could happen, the fear might creep back in... But hey..... life's too short for that.... And I'm having too much fun....

Karren

[Emma England]

Fear that a family member is so close-minded about the clothes I dress in, that they will never want to even speak to me again.

For them to say it is wrong to crossdress is the same as me saying that it is right to crossdress.

I have more fear about what close family and friends might think than complete strangers.

[Ronnie]

The biggest fear is loss: loss of loved ones. It shouldn't be this way but society has made it so. If you step outside the norm you will be ostracized. It's getting better but it will take time.

Yes this is my biggest fear. I don't want to lose all of the great friends I have. The humor in it all is that I don't think that they would care. We are all Goths and the whole goth scene has a lot of CD's and androgyny in it. I am sure my mother would be concerned but would not care in the end.

I think all of my fears are totally based on the very miniscule chance that everyone I know and love would leave me.

Ronnie

[Lovely Rita]

If I am afraid of anything it is this constant and compulsory need for us to "pass."
I really hope that one day passing will not even be an issue. That pretty men will be just admired and respected. I may be alone on this but I get tired of the idea of passing as a woman. I would really enjoy it if we could really just be who we are cute men in dresses and makeup and nylons and hi heels......LOL but seriously I tire of the clandestine aspects of the life.

[IMkrystal]

I think what makes me most fearful is not so much being "found out" but embarassing my wife or others that I love..

Thanks for some great responses! Your responses are helping understand a part of my persona that I have hidden from others for most of my life. Having found acceptance, in a forum that has allowed me to openly express this part of me, gives me guidance on what path to take.

To help me farther, I would like to hear from GGs who have posted here. What do they fear or are afraid, of allowing a partner who, Crossdressers into their life? How does rejection play into this for you?

[silkie h]

First of all I live in a male dominated environment. Being from Ireland, that is further emphasised to me. It is a small country . I was about to explain further why I have fears but that would probably give some folks some clues as to where I come from. The consequences would be disastrous as I am well known within my Community. Is my point made here ?

Does hiding it from others stigmatise it as being undesirable ?. . ... Absolutely

[aj_gg]

Thanks for some great responses! Your responses are helping understand a part of my persona that I have hidden from others for most of my life. Having found acceptance, in a forum that has allowed me to openly express this part of me, gives me guidance on what path to take.

To help me farther, I would like to hear from GGs who have posted here. What do they fear or are afraid, of allowing a partner who, Crossdressers into their life? How does rejection play into this for you?

I guess it's time for me to bite the bullet, and fess up some of my fears. Rejection is a big thing at the moment. My fiance just recently began to fully CD. He couldn't be happier. :love: I love him to pieces but I have a lot of fear as well.

First of all, I'm afraid of becoming jealous. For the few times I've seen him dressed up, and I haven't been afraid to look, I've begun to think that he can pull of some fashion statements I could only dream of. Also, I have been prone to having body image issues and it has hurt me to find out that my SO is a smaller size than I am. So, I guess the first fear I have is that I will become jealous.

Secondly I fear that by some odd series of events my parents are going to find out. My parents are very over protective of me and my fiance has two strikes against him already, 1) he was the first person I was ever involved with and 2) he proposed to me without asking for their permission. Also my father is an avid hunter and former military man with a lot of experience with guns, I don't want to have an argument go sour especially with his hot temper.

Lastly, I am afraid that for some reason, I might reject him. I am not an angry person, but I become easily confused which unleashes my anger because I know I am not being understood and I don't know what I can do to fix that. I want to understand as much as I can, and I am quite new to the realm of CDing, but I want to understand. I just hope from taking this big dive, I don't go into sensory overload and somehow just collapse. All I can say is is that being here has helped make this transition a lot easier, and I thank God for the blessing of people like all of you.

[Wenda]

When I semi-dressed as part of a corporate promotion (not pre-approved), my reprimand was not for dressing, but for not being lady-like on stage. (in the digital images circulated, you could see the white panties in my bicycle skirt).
I think I have two obstacles: first, my children: all four know, two dress to differing degrees, we discuss it on line and by phone, but they don't want to see their dad en femme.
second: I am passable as a middle-aged male. I am afraid that I am not very attractive as a middle aged female. Just don't want to be ugly. w.

[Chiana]

Many of the people in my little community of friends are generally very macho and somewhat closed minded. I have heard many conversations (not directed at me) that could be catagorized as anti-gay and homophobic. While I am sure that some of my friends would remain my friends, I know some wouldn't and I am certainly not interested in becoming the target of those types of conversations and derision. In spite of the fact that this is a pretty large city (300,000+), it seems as though I cannot go anywhere without running into someone I know. I am afraid that being discovered could be disasterous.

In addition, I have doubts that I could pass and I am also afraid that people I do not know might want to kick my butt for the fun of it and that scares me, as well.

[Alice Torn]

Yes, if friends, people in church, customers of my business(one knows, won't talk with me), or what little family I have found out- that scares me! The only few times I did go out dressed, there were some embarrassing moments, and some fun ones. Being 6'6", and 6'10" in high heels, I stck out, and am pretty easy to read, with fairly broad shoulders, too. I fear a big scene being made over me, like started in a downtown area, of a smaller town, that I decided to strut around in, one warn Sunday. I heard some teens, shouting ,"Oh my G-d!" The too small wig, short sleeveless dress, dark hose, and black patent leather heel, didn't hurt, in causing unwanted attention!Yes, being this tall, I fear being read a lot, and rejection, if someone recognizes me. I have not been out, for over a year and a half.

[AmandaM]

I've already been rejected by a group of friends about 20 years ago. I haven't forgiven them to this day. Buttheads.

[joann07]

I've recently started fully cross dressing late last year and whenever I dress it makes me feel relaxed and less stressed.

I would never tell my family because of the fear that they will dishone me or something. Being single and never married, I fear that they will think that I'm gay, but I'm not and never will be.
I've had thoughts of telling them, but I can't.
However, I've only told two close friends of my cross dressing. One is my childhood friend, who's gay, and the other is a GG who's a close friend I've known since my college days. Her husband is also my good friend, but I've asked her not to tell him.
Both my friends were very accepting and had no problems when I first told them. They weren't surprised and said that as long as I'm happy then they're ok.
My GG friend is now my new fashion consultant and has helped me by giving me makeup tips and picking out some really nice outfits so I'm glad that I told her.

I'm not as fearful of being rejected while being out in public because, of the times I've been out, people have complemented me on how well I look and that I can easily pass. My purpose of going out is to blend in and enjoy being dressed.

[Glenda]

The only way to be accepted is to be seen. The world is getting to be a better place for us. Many of us are able to go out on a regular basis without anything being made of it by others. People in stores and restaurants are polite. Our friends may think we're a little bit strange........but we're still the same people they're friends with in drab. Friends drop by and don't know whether they'll see Glen or Glenda. A lot of people who never thought they would be friends with a crossdresser don't see me as all that strange. There are places in the world that are like this. In the future, there will be more.

And passing is relative anyway. If we're out to friends and family then they know we're male. Strangers in public don't really matter that much anyway, do they? I'll admit that it is wonderful to interact with someone and know that they don't recognize you or realize that you are a man. But there are others who are very observant and we can't fool them regardless of how good we look. We can put on makeup and look totally feminine but our hands and faces are still larger than real women. But there are a lot of women who look pretty masculine. You can't always tell these days and most people base their judgements on the clothes and makeup. It is a lot easier to blend in with so much of our society being bigger than previous generations.

And GG's may get jealous occasionally but that doesn't mean that we really look better than them. After all, they are what we are trying to emulate. They can be beautiful without makeup. They can look so precious and alluring. They are real women. We put a lot of effort into dressing. They put a lot of effort into dressing to go out somewhere special. Otherwise most of them use minimal makeup.

Rejection is real and terrifying but acceptance is becoming more common. But even if you are accepted you will be the subject of a lot of jokes and good natured ribbing. I don't know about you, but my friends and I joke around with each other anyway. Just don't be hurtful and don't let your fears exaggerate what really is. I do long for the day when we can go anywhere without fear. I'm not sure when that time will come. Even those of us who are out often have our limits. Someday???

[Amy Hepker]

What scares me is if I were to go out, I don't look enough like a female in the first place and would be spotted as a guy in a dress. Secondly I know for a fact that some guys are som offended by someone crossdressing that they would rather beat the hell out of you or just shoot you on sight.

[Kate Simmons]

What scares me is if I were to go out, I don't look enough like a female in the first place and would be spotted as a guy in a dress. Secondly I know for a fact that some guys are som offended by someone crossdressing that they would rather beat the hell out of you or just shoot you on sight.The feeling is mutual Amy. I'm so offended by these guys who are offended that I would just as soon beat the hell out of them(I'm serious). Gotta work on my ladylike qualities and anger management I guess.:rolleyes: