Coming Out Advice

[Tristan]

Well after a lot of thought and worrying and so forth I think I am ready to tell my mom I'm transgendered. It's something I've been working on with the counselor I've been seeing through the gblt center. I may have a chance to go home today, my mom was debating maybe going to her parents but last I heard she wasn't going anymore. Of course I'm worried about it going badly and worst case sceniro, but not telling her has me to the point where I'm up early in the morning fretting over it. Any advice from maybe people who've been there?

[John]

A a matter of fact I've just come back from my dad's house, where I've outed myself to him and my stepmother (individually). So advice I can do.

Get her alone, maybe in the kithen (god, soundls like I'm giving stalker advice or something ;) ), whith little chance of being interupted. The last thing you want half way though 'the talk' is someone to come in and start satching telly. Tea is a good asistant. Maybe start with 'do you know what transsexual means' or words to that effect (the number of times my coming out has been met with 'and that meens...?').

Just trust you're instincts with the rest, you know better than anyone what she is or isn't ready to hear.

Hope it goes well for you :thumbup:

[pocoyo]

Oh wow. Trist. Dude.
Reading this made my heart pound for you.

Oh wow. Hmm I'll try and give some advice.
But you know... it's me... so... it'll probably be slightly dappy advice lol!

Ok so.. like... I think you need to ease her gently into it.

Like perhaps slowly suggest stuff to her like "Mom... have you ever noticed how..." blah blah. Then gradually and understandably explain WHY blah blah....

Expect a lot of shock and confusion, I know you've kept it pretty darn secret so she might be totally like... *jaw drops to the floor*.

And don't forget that she might not really know that much about transsexualism and what it really entails/means. She could be scared or worried... so reassure her calmly, kindly and sensibly. It might be good to let her know that it's nothing she's done....it just is. (I think sometimes parents, esp. mums can start thinking "Oh no.. what did I do to make my kid so confused?!" when of course, as we know, it's not quite like that.)

So be prepared for a LOT of patience and explaining. But I think it will be worth it in the end.

I really really really hope she takes it well my sweet friend.

Time to get mushy with my bro.....
*huge bravening (is that even a word? no! lol), strong, courage-instilling hugs*

It will be ok.
Whatever happens... you can deal with it.
You are an amazingly cool and lovely dude.

:hugs: :love:

Good luck sweet-boy!

[CaptLex]

Maybe start with 'do you know what transsexual means' or words to that effect (the number of times my coming out has been met with 'and that meens...?').
That's my opening line too, and it's worked well so far. As already mentioned, be prepared for confusion and lots of questions. The important thing to point out is that none of us chooses this, we just are. Who would choose something that could cause us this much stress, pain and anxiety - something that could make us lose our friends, family, jobs and homes? And, of course, she shouldn't feel that it's something she or anyone else caused to happen.

She may also seem to be okay with it (or in too much shock to react) at first, but eventually, after it has sunk in, she may have a different reaction. That's okay and I'm sure that talking it out will help answer her concerns. You may even want to give her literature to read on the subject (the LGBT center may have some). It's a process, so don't expect her to get it all at once, but keeping the lines of communication open is important.

Whatever happens, Trist, we'll be here waiting to hear how it went and giving you big hugs. :hugs: Good luck, hun . . . and May the Force be With You! ;)

[MJ]

OK Tristan

you have some good advice here but also remember this in your moms eyes you are her little girl i don't mean to insult you here, so try talking with her over a cup of tea this is going to be a shock to her, let her know you love her and always will, your mom will have questions , answer them as honest as you can , make sure you look her in the eye it will show you are sincere i hope all goes well for you
hugs Marissa

[bi_weird]

Hrm well I may be too late in this, but I'll reply anyway. I like the advice so far. To add, remember that you're very well informed, and your mom probably isn't. You're going to use words she doesn't understand to describe things she never thought possible. I think it's easier to talk from your own experience "Transgender is like where I wear mens clothing..." and avoid as much termonology as possible. Giver her a chance to focus on you and how you're still the same person just with a different pronoun, before she feels like she has to go to school to figure out who you are now.

[Dasein9]

This message is probably coming after the fact, so it's more for you, Tristan. She's likely to be upset. It's probably going to take her some time, so it might be helpful for you to remember that, and be patient with her if she says something hurtful. Remember being a teenager? Unless you were a truly amazing kid, you probably hurt her feelings once or twice, but she still loved you. It's your turn now -- she may say or feel things that are hard to hear, but she can't make you stop loving her.

The one thing I hear over and over from others who've been through this is that it takes time. Some families never accept it. Most do, eventually.

Finally, if she is upset, that may be a manifestation of how much she loves you. (Different families take things in different ways. Her not being upset does NOT mean she doesn't love you! :) ) I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating: I've come out to two family members, my mom and one sister. Mom's very upset. The sister isn't. The difference between them is that my mom loves me and my sister doesn't. I just try to remember that, and be grateful that my mom loves me so very much when I have to speak to her about the difficult stuff.

[John]

Well now we all want to know what happened. Come on, out with it lad :tongueout

[bi_weird]

Oh yeah the best after the fact advice I ever got was from a book "Straight Parents, Gay Children". On some level, when you come out to someone as close as a parent, they have to morn the person that they lost when you came out. They might still love you, completely understand the whole thing, and be totally awesome, but on some level they still lost the life they thought you'd lead. That's why mothers so often go through stretches of crying dayly about it.

But yes, do tell! I've got my fingers and toes crossed for ya that it went well!

[Tristan]

Sorry I didn't get a chance to read the forum before I went home went right from work. Just got home now..... omg... I told her... it actually went how I thought, she told me that I was naive and I didn't know enough about life to know that I was transgender. It was a phase and etc, I'm too exhausted to write it all now. Anyway she didn't disown me I guess, but she totally didn't get it either. It was just more frustrating then anything and she seems against me coming out to anyone else. Even acted like I shouldn't have told her.

[Tristan]

In the boys room if anyone's around....

[CaptLex]

Aw, Trist, I'm sorry she didn't take it well. If it's any consolation, that's not an unusual reaction - saying it's a phase and especially telling you not to tell anyone else. Happens to most of us, I think. Maybe she doesn't feel she can deal with it right now, but with patience and more information (maybe lots more once she's had time to let it sink in) she may come around. :hugs:

[pocoyo]

Duuude. You DID it... huge congratulations you brave brave man! And all the stuff I'm saying on yahoo!

*big proud hugs*

[Tristan]

She told me it couldn't be true cuz I cried when I told her and if I was transgendered I'd be happy about it...... I was crying cuz I was scared that I was about to get disowned..... sighs.... I know I got the best result I could reasonablely expect just OMG kinda freakin a bit

[bi_weird]

*HUG*
That's rough, but not unexpected. I'd say look on the bright side, but don't bother with that tonight. Look on the bright side tomorrow. For now, go to bed early with junk food. *hands brownie* You still get a coming out brownie, with candles AND sprinkles, 'cause you did a brave thing. Congrats on that!

[Tristan]

*HUG*
That's rough, but not unexpected. I'd say look on the bright side, but don't bother with that tonight. Look on the bright side tomorrow. For now, go to bed early with junk food. *hands brownie* You still get a coming out brownie, with candles AND sprinkles, 'cause you did a brave thing. Congrats on that!

yay my first brownies from bi! thanks a lot man....

[John]

Well done for telling! I know it's one of the single most frightening things in the world. Sorry it didn't go so well, but as you implied, it could have been worce. *gives manly hug*. As said, insisting it's a phase is commen (my dad did it), but I figure if we have the right to be in denial, so do they. :2c: She'll probably come around aventually, she just needs to ease into it, first by thinking it's a phase, then begining to admit to herself it may be more serios.

Enjoy you're brownie!

[Tristan]

I really understand Poc's confusion better after h e talked to his mom. Mine's kinda doing the same thing to me. Blah I know what I am I wish I could find the mom mute button for now. Today its the stuff about why gay men would wnat me and how I should stick to being a tomboy who marries a straight man so I won't be alone my entire life. Which I admit does scare me about doing this transition...... blah blah blah

[pocoyo]

I really understand Poc's confusion better after h e talked to his mom. Mine's kinda doing the same thing to me. Blah I know what I am I wish I could find the mom mute button for now. Today its the stuff about why gay men would wnat me and how I should stick to being a tomboy who marries a straight man so I won't be alone my entire life. Which I admit does scare me about doing this transition...... blah blah blah

Yay I'm not loopy then! :hugs:

Urgh, she was saying all that yesterday too wasn't she?
Well... you do know yourself best... it's worth being open minded and thinking about all these options... but at the end of the day... you know what makes you feel right and happy matey.

[CaptLex]

Today its the stuff about why gay men would wnat me and how I should stick to being a tomboy who marries a straight man so I won't be alone my entire life. Which I admit does scare me about doing this transition...... blah blah blah
To a lot of people being alone is the worst thing that can happen (no spouse, no kids) and moms are always worried that their kids will end up alone and unhappy because of it. That's their job - to worry about these things. But you know she's still getting over the shock and adjusting to the idea, so that's going to take time. Hopefully eventually she will see that the situation isn't hopeless. You're a great guy and there are a lot of guys out there that would see that. If she sees that you are happy with who you really are in the end, she may eventually stop worrying and be happy for you. Here's hoping. :hugs:

[Dasein9]

she told me that I was naive and I didn't know enough about life to know that I was transgender. It was a phase and etc, I'm too exhausted to write it all now. Anyway she didn't disown me I guess, but she totally didn't get it either. It was just more frustrating then anything and she seems against me coming out to anyone else. Even acted like I shouldn't have told her.

Mine had pretty much the same reaction.


I'm 37.

[Tristan]

Thanks a lot for all the support, guys. I know I have a long ways to go... she is so misinformed about it means to be transgender. A special thank you to the bros who hung out with me last night and kept me from going off into a full fledged panic. Feeling much calmer right now with fleeting moments of omg I told her! Will have much to talk with my counselor on thursday.

[happyfish]

Here's a hug for being brave enough to tell her. :hugs: It's hard that she's not perfectly accepting right away, but I'm sure she'll get better once she understands more. :hugs:

[Tristan]

I decided to add this post to this thread cause this is kinda the prestory to whats going on. I came out to my mom a couple weeks ago and we still haven't really talked to each other since. Which is weird because I saw her last weekend at my brother's but she didn't even make eye contact with me and said very little with me. I called her house today about stuff to do with tomorrow's family torture and she wasn't home. She had my sister call me back tonight to see what I wanted. So usually she just calls me back herself to see what's up and I'm getting all paranoid about it. And now I'm realllllly dreading tomorrow. My mom and I used to be very distant from each other but the last few years we've really gotten close and now I feel like I've shot myself way back. I know what I told her could not have been easy for her to hear I guess it's just starting to get to me. My biggest fears about going through with transitioning was being rejected by my family and I guess any sign of that being a possibility is making me freak out a little bit.

[CaptLex]

Hey, Trist:

Your mom may still be processing the whole thing and may not know how to talk with you right now. It must be hard for you to feel that she's rejecting you this way, but I think she needs some more time. I think eventually she'll realize that this is not a phase, not going to go away and if she wants you in her life (and I suspect she does), then she'll have to deal with it somehow. I'd say go to the family events and just be yourself. This is the way to show her (and anyone else) that you're still the same ol' loveable Tristan - and that's what really matters. Hugs to you, babe. :hugs:

[pocoyo]

aww trist I'm sorry dude.

I guess mums are only human too (ok they are superhuman.. but even superhumans are human hehe) and need time out when in shock or whatever.

I don't think she is meaning to hurt you. She might be a bit shy or something.... or not know what to say without hurting your feelings.

She is probably just processing the information like Cap said.

Don't worry, I'm sure if you've been close lately she won't want to lose that either. And yes you are still the same lovable you :happy: that's never gonna change :hugs:

This could be a really good thing to talk to your counsellor about (which of course you will!) because good ones usually have really helpful things to say about things like this. (Unlike me haha!)

Sorry.. bit useless :p tired & tonsilitisy.

It will be ok though sweet trist :bighug:


oh also... don't feel bad... you have done NOTHING wrong. Yes it is good to be loving to your family, but you have to be loving to you too....

... and how loving to be true to yourself like you are being.

Good boy!! :)

:love:
It'll be ok big bro.

poccss

[Tristan]

thanks a lot guys, I know it will just take time. Think the aftermath of thursday's session is just kinda hitting and got me thinking way too much.

[pocoyo]

thanks a lot guys, I know it will just take time. Think the aftermath of thursday's session is just kinda hitting and got me thinking way too much.

Yeah... she might not have even noticed she's being different.. she might not even be! You might just be worrying so much that you think she is!

Fear thee not brave soldier!

:hugs:

[bi_weird]

Man, that sounds nerve-racking. I agree with the other guys though - she may just be trying to process it all. Hope things go well for you!