How do you cope?

[pocoyo]

My gender dysphoria (well "body" dysphoria).... the discomfort and feeling of "wrongness" about certain parts of my body.... are quite bad at the moment.
Makes me feel very uncomfortable and sad and frustrated a lot of the time.

If I knew I was definitely transitioning I think I would cope a bit better... because it would just be a matter of patience.

But seeing as I'm terrified of having an operation (and some other factors of confusion)... I can't really see that happening any time soon.

Do any of you, that have felt similarly, have any advice you could give me on how to cope with these feelings?

Thank you very much

pocoyo

[CaptLex]

I'm sorry, hun . . . I don't have an answer for you. I am transitioning, and I go through the same thing. Maybe I have no patience (maybe?), but I feel that things are moving sooooo slowly in that department (physical changes) that I don't really see the changes and I hate looking in the mirror. My only coping skill there is denial, but that's not working at all so I won't recommend it. :bighug: :itsok:

[kerrianna]

:hugs: :love: I can't speak from that particular experience Pocs, all I can offer is some words as to dealing with a big issue.

Try not to look at the whole mountain you have to climb. I know the tendancy is to see the end picture - after all isn't that what dreams and goals are? The problem is that's the top of the hill and there's a lot of tough slogging to get there. I try not to focus too much on the destination. I try to break down the journey into the steps before me, just trying to make some progress in the right direction.

I see you doing that all the time, even if it feels too slow for you. You keep asking, exploring, trying...and you're seeing a gender therapist. These are all steps in the right direction. You don't know from your vantage what you will or won't be ready to do further down the road. You might find yourself ready to move quicker, or slower, depending on what has happened during your journey.

Those days when things really suck you might want to move onto a part of your life that feeds you - something artistic, something fun - maybe do something new to get you through the day. If you think about this all the time it will squish you - like having the weight of that mountain bearing down. You have to handle it when you have the strength and resolve and retreat when you don't. Just know that you are moving towards a resolution. You might not know it or what it is, but it will come. Just keeping taking those steps and soon you will find yourself on top of a mountain that at one time seemed insurmountable.

I hope this helps, hun.

If not, here's more of these....:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :love:

[pocoyo]

AWww cap. I'm sorry you don't like looking in the mirror either.

I hope that soon you do :happy: (you will you will!)

Yes have patience sir!! It will all be ok in the end. Yes yes!

Thank you for replying.

Perhaps denial is the way to go....!

[Kieron Andrew]

i agree with Kez.....smaller more achievable goals.....easier to reach in lesser time will soon fill the bigger picture and you will forget about that bigger mountain because it became a hill.....concentrate on the here and now what you can change and tomorrow will change itself

dont ever forget Tomorrow never comes!

[pocoyo]

Oh Kerrianna... you are so wise... and so lovely.
You made me cry again you ... you.... sweetie :hugs:

You are so wonderful.
I shall savour your words. Remember them when I need them.

You rock.

Thank you lovely kind person :koc:

[pocoyo]

Hehe thanks Kieron dude... awww you are lovely too :hugs:
Ok... small, manageable steps n stuff...!
Right o :)

:bighug:

[Kieron Andrew]

Hehe thanks Kieron dude... awww you are lovely too :hugs:
Ok... small, manageable steps n stuff...!
Right o :)

:bighug:
yup just like with the balance thing.....small eventually = bigger picture!

[Siobhan Marie]

Oh Pocs honey, I'm not sure what to say or do that will help you. All I ask is that you just keep doing what you're doing and stay here with us. We're here for you, we care and we love you and I'm going to send you loads of these :hugs: :bighug: :hugs: :bighug: :hugs: and :koc: :koc: and not forgetting loads of *cuddles*

huge :hugs: and yet more *cuddles*

Anna Marie x

[pocoyo]

AWwwww thank you Anna :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :bighug:
That definitely helps me feel better. Thank you so much!
:hugs: :hugs: :love:

[Siobhan Marie]

You're more than welcome hun. Just hope that you feel a bit better now. Love ya loads too.

huge :hugs: and *cuddles*

Anna Marie x

[Felix]

Hey Pocs Bro, one day at a time that's how I play it hun. Small steps, crawl before ya walk and all that Bro :hugs: :hugs:

I take each day as a new challenge cos I never know how I'm gonna feel about myself at the mo, some days good some days not so good :sad: thats what we are here for hun to give ya all the support ya need. So come on Bro keep ya chin up and remember one day at a time xx Felix :hugs: :hugs:

[Charleen]

Hey poc, I feel for you. The thing is, and I know this from experience, is that when we dwell on the negative, we not only stay in the negative, but it's like a whirlpool dragging us further down into the depths. AS hard as it might be, we have to grab on to something positive in our lives and dwellon that no matter how trivial it might seem. On the plus side, you are aware of who you are, and are in counciling. Cool. There are many others that don't have a clue of what is going on and are miserable without knowing why. I was one of those for most of my life. Once I came to the realization that being first a CD, then also that I am also a TS and have been all my life, what a burden that was of my shoulders. Of course these have their own set of difficulties, but knowing who I am now, I can get a grip on those as well.
Hang onto the good stuff my man. The rest will sort it self out. I've heard it said that we have to give time, time. I agree. Remember, we're always here for you.
Love and xxxx, Lily

[Tiffany Tuesday]

Yeah hon,

as a failed/recovered/sorted? TS i reckon there is nothing wrong with our bods as bods, the problem is in our mind.

Okay so that does not make it any easier 'cept it makes it clear there are two simple options .. sort the mind to accept the bod OR sort the bod to match the mind. The question is can you use your mind to find peace and an equilibrium or do you need chemical and physical changes to help you accept yourself?

My answer was the first ... no surgeon no amount of money could ever make me a genetic woman, let me be born a woman, have a girlhood, menstruation, pregnancy, giving birth, rearing children as a mother ...

... soo not knives not drugs all i have is my imagination to create the woman i know i am inside out of the body i have. I close a door in my mind on the negative, the hurts and horrid parts and focus on the positive good and beautiful ... some really horrid negatives are soo locked away now not only have i lost the key but i've no idea where the door is to them anymore.

... your mind is torturing you now, so instead turn it to heal you and make you the person you know you are.

It may be a form of self delusion but unfortunately for what i want, and maybe for what you want, GRS is but self delusion with stage props.
Hugz hon x

[Deborah_UK]

Pocoyo,

That original post of yours could have been written by me.

That's exactly how I feel on a regular basis, so thank you for posting it, I hope the replys that help you will do the same for me.

I suppose the only thing in support is that you are definitely not alone in the way you are feeling.

Debs

[ClaireJ]

I am/was also terrified of operations and had a crap load of other anxieties, there are a lot of things I still need to do. The only advice I can give is to take it one day at a time, I know it's corny but it kinda helps. If your not ready to do something today - don't reschedule it for the next day or whenever and slowly move forward.

I have found that some anxieties are being helped because of changes due to hormones etc

I have a fairly big (for me) fear in 8 days and x number of hours - my first session of laser hair removal.

Good luck hon.

Claire

[pocoyo]

I'm so sorry that I didn't answer this thread til now!

Thanks sweet Anna, luvya :rose:
Felix, thank you, very good advice!! :hugs:
Awww Lily, thank you! Wise words indeed. Yes it's a very good thing to be positive!
Deborah, yes it is good to know I'm not alone with how I'm feeling but I am sad that others have to feel this discomfort too. I hope you are feeling much more happy and balanced soon! Thank you.
Eeek Claire! I hope the laser hair removal went really well and wasn't too scary for you!! Thank you very much :hugs:

Thank you so much for all you support and understanding everyone :bighug:
It means a lot and helps me realise that I'm not alone and that I'm not a freak!

Tiffany

there is nothing wrong with our bods as bods, the problem is in our mind.
Hehe ... my counsellor asked me if I would like my boobs if they were on someone else, and I was like "yeah!... They just don't suit me!"

Yes it is really cool how once some people realise they are TS.. that they can then learn to live with themselves as they are, and I admire and respect them very very much (it's pretty amazing really!) But I also totally understand why many TS people feel much better after surgery.


... no surgeon no amount of money could ever make me a genetic woman, let me be born a woman, have a girlhood, menstruation, pregnancy, giving birth, rearing children as a mother ...

Awwwwwwwww :( I don't agree with that at all! That is really hard on yourself. Of course you could become a real woman.

Just some brief answers to that, because I think you're being really unfair to yourself!

If you transitioned... then to me you would be a genetic woman. As for being born female... well... we all start off female in the womb anyway, but you can't help it if you were born with the slightly wrong body for the gender of your mind or what you feel comfortable with. A girlhood... well I don't even believe there is such thing as gender... it really is just something that society has cooked up... we are all just people, with slightly different wobbly bits. I know what you mean about missing out on a "girly upbringing" but even many many gg's didn't have a "girlhood" they just grew up as a person. Menstruation... yes well even many gg's cannot menstruate or have babies.. this does not make them any less of a woman! And you could indeed raise children as a mother!!

So basically, if you transitioned you'd be a total woman. So you couldn't have a baby (at this point in time... but it is actually possible), you would still be a woman... you'd just have the amazing "advantage" that you have been able to experience life from both sides of this thing we call gender :D Making you an all round full, balanced and hopefully empathetic, caring person!
You might think "but.. my chromosomes would be male!" ah.. but then so are those of many gg's. It seems that gender really isn't a binary thing you know.


For a more in depth explanation please see some of the posts, particularly Kehleyr and Amber's comments, on the "Just out of Curiousity" thread where we discuss that subject http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=55562&page=2 I totally agree with what they say.


GRS is but self delusion with stage props.

I do totttally respect your point of view, and that this is what you believe, but I personally don't believe that statement to be accurate at all. (And it could actually sound like you're being a bit harsh and insulting to those that do seek GRS).

If you wanted to become a full woman to match how you feel inside, you could. And actually, even if you had the appearance of a big hairy trucker but felt like a dainty female inside, then a dainty female you would be.

And you know... it's all very mysterious as to what actually causes TS. It is very possible that people ARE born with the mind/brain of one sex and the physical appearance of the other. Almost like TS people are intersexed... but because this isn't a physical thing that people can see... many dismiss it as it being a problem in the mind.

(Very similar to the fact that depression and anxiety are illnesses... but many people just expect suffers to "get on with it" or "pull themselves together". If they had a broken leg however, everyone would be kind and supportive to them because they could physically see the problem).

So I think we should be very kind to ourselves and each other, because we do put up with some confusing and distressing things!

On that note, thank you very much for your hugs and the support! They are very welcome and appreciated! :hugs:

mmmmm....hhuuuggssss....
Thank you again everyone for your help!!
:cheers:

[Kimberley]

Hi All,
I am not sure that coping is the term or concern we should be focusing on. By "coping" we are making excuses or adding another layer of protection from the real issue, that being acceptance of who and what we are.

I think that all these layers of defense we build up over the years just add up to more problems and we get lost in the mix. We react as we think others will accept not as we feel and that is the key. We often dont feel or allow ourselves to feel because as soon as something uncomfortable arises we go hide behind a defense mechanism.

Just some wayward thought.

:hugs:

Kimberley

[pocoyo]

Kimberley!! *runs over to her and bowls her over like Tigger leaping on WTP!*

Yaay Kimberley's back! Its good to see you here! :jumping:


Ehem yes anyway, back to the point hehe :heehee: :o


I'm not sure I completely understand what you mean, but this bit:


We react as we think others will accept not as we feel and that is the key. We often dont feel or allow ourselves to feel
I definitely understand and agree with.
That's why I think it is a very loving & wonderful thing to be kind and true to ourselves, which also makes us more happy people and more open people for others! (like I said on MJ's "thank you" thread thingy with her photo vid on).

As for:


I am not sure that coping is the term or concern we should be focusing on. By "coping" we are making excuses or adding another layer of protection from the real issue, that being acceptance of who and what we are.

I guess coping was the wrong word I used or something?

When I originally wrote this thread, I just basically meant....

"I am having a hard time with being comfortable with parts of myself that distress me... how do you manage with these feelings? Any advice?"

Perhaps that would have been a better way of me saying it.

[Kimberley]

*Kimberley picks herself up off the deck and pats her bottom.* I suppose I will have a bruise there now. *Hugs Pocs.*

I try to avoid the physical issues and concentrate on the mental side of things.

I guess I figure that change (while entirely possible and always desirable) is not always the best route. So accepting that (on a daily basis) means I can focus on me and how I relate to the world around me. I find that it makes things more bearable (and the operative word here is bearable.) I have pretty much taken on the reality that I am who and what I am (no matter what the letters or labels say) and I can try to just be myself in dealing with others.

If they dont like my hair; tough. If they dont like my mannerisms; tough. I dont need to make excuses, just try to be honest and true to me.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[pocoyo]

Hehe sorry about the bruised bottom :p

Ahhh yes, I see what you mean now!

Yeah, you are one of those people that I admire... (mentioned in my not last post but the one before) that realise the truth about themself and then don't transition but are sort of safe in the knowledge of knowing who they truly are. That's very cool that some people can do that! :happy:




If they dont like my hair; tough. If they dont like my mannerisms; tough. I dont need to make excuses, just try to be honest and true to me.


Bloomin' good on you!

:hugs:

[Shelly R]

Hey Pocs. Thanks for the thread! I mean that from the bottom of my heart. :hugs: I could have written the same kind of thread two weeks ago. Big thank you to all who have posted, and your advice. :love: This has helped me a lot.
I was having big trouble with my body issues. I am one who will be pre-op for the rest of my life, never enough money. Now my therapist and my doctor are worried about me and need to see me every two weeks.
What you all had to say rings true for me, great advice!
Just wanted to say... Thank you!

[Stephenie S]

I agree. Very nice thread. Thanks.

Stephenie

[kerrianna]

Wow, Pocs...you are growing up in so many ways. :hugs: :love:

What you've said here, esp today, is so thoughtful (not that you weren't before...just more confused and muttery :heehee: :p ), and articulate. Your words inspire and soothe me.

And Kimbers! Yay! Welcome back girl! hehehe, jumped by Tigger-Pocs. :heehee: Always love what you have to say. You too are thoughtful and inspiring. :hugs: :love:

Good to see you back. There are too many boys here now for me to handle...not that I haven't been trying. :D

[princessmichelle]

Pocoyo,

The advice I was given: try to find ways to incorporate opposite gender stuff into your daily life. Is there like one thing that you could do this week that would be a step? Somthing you could switch from female to male? A wristwatch? (my jacket is opposite gendered. Not obviously so, but it makes me feel better knowing it is. ) A male email list you could subscribe to? Some guys you could hang out with? I don't know what, but something? Preferably something you'd see daily? Just an idea.

FWIW, body dysphoria has been hurting me a lot, too: it's not just that I prefer opposite gendered activities, it's that I really want to be opposite gender bodied. No magic, but I can sympathise.

Michelle Elizabeth

[pocoyo]

Hi Shelly & Stephanie, awww I'm glad the advice from people on the thread has helped you too. :hugs:


He he Kerrianna, actually I have always believed/(known)/said exactly the same things. Just yeah, I guess maybe not in way that made sense or that anyone actually understood hehehe :heehee:.
Lol I thought I still was being mumbely & not making sense though!
Soothe and inspire awwwwwww :bighug: silly Kezza. Thank you loverly *hug*

AWw thanks Princessmichelle! That's really cool advice... like the male items could cheer me up when I'm feeling down.. aww :hugs: I do basically already live as a male though .. DOH! (Actually I think I live more just as a "person" haha, sort of unisex! But if someone was to analyse it they'd probably call it more "male") I have/wear mainly male items and clothes though... :thinking: hmmm...

But... hey you know what :eek: , you're absolutely right... 'cos when I did stuff like buy my latest cologne or wallet or clothes it did really make me smiley because it felt so right. :D Yay! Awww thanks Princess :hugs:
Can't beat a bit of retail therapy eh? Whatever your gender identity haha.
(Sometimes getting clothes can be a little bit upsetting when I can see lumps and bumps through t shirt or whatever... but in the main it's a nice thing getting the "right" clothes that I feel more comfy with :happy:)

Awww. I hope you are feeling much better soon, it is a hard thing to work through, but I think that learning about yourself is ultimately a good thing and worth the slog. I hope your dysphoria is much less intense very soon!
:love:

[janedoe311]

No advice from me. I just get frustrated even mad and there is nothing I can do about it.:sad:

Sorry, I cannot help.

[MJ]

My gender dysphoria (well "body" dysphoria).... the discomfort and feeling of "wrongness" about certain parts of my body.... are quite bad at the moment.
Makes me feel very uncomfortable and sad and frustrated a lot of the time.

If I knew I was definitely transitioning I think I would cope a bit better... because it would just be a matter of patience.

But seeing as I'm terrified of having an operation (and some other factors of confusion)... I can't really see that happening any time soon.

Do any of you, that have felt similarly, have any advice you could give me on how to cope with these feelings?

Thank you very much

pocoyo

well you know poc i too feel the same way , i am reminded every time i use the washroom, and sometimes it hurts knowing there is something just not right.
i got my letter for surgery but only have :2c: to my name and just don't know when or if ever i could afford it , and thanks to hormones i just love the guy's this is just not fare lol
i think because i live full time it does help as i can wear womans clothing of any type heels etc
but i am not complete a work in progress it is taking way to long for me and i am not getting any younger
the best advice i can give is if you can be who you are i mean poc the guy full time it will help but just a little
thank you poc i always wanted to open my heart and say something like this but too afraid to do so

[AmberTG]

The ability to present yourself to the world as the person that you feel yourself to be on the inside is important to relieving some of the stress and depression that comes from gender dysphoria. I know how it feels to know that you may never be able to pay for the procedures to complete physical transition, and the fear and apprehension about the results of those surgeries if you could afford them. Words of wisdom are hard to come by in this area, I sure don't have any. I'm still trying to learn to be comfortable with me and my issues. I know I just have to accept the things that I cannot change. You know the old saying,
" I pray for the courage to change the things that I can change, the strength to accept the the things that I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference."