Out to SO

[Bonnie D]

Thursday night my wife told me that something was wrong and has been for a while now and she wanted to know exactly what it was. I told her that I loved her but was not in love with her. She wanted to know why not? I told her that I was being torn up inside and have been under a lot of stress. Why? I am a crossdresser. Since when? All my life. Do I want to be with a man? Yes. Since when? All my life. Do I want to be a woman? Yes. Do I want a sex change? Yes, but it's too late in life for me to do that. Do I want to leave the marriage? Yes. I need to live on my own but will live with my ailing mother for about the next 6 months until she sells the house and moves into a residence. Who knows about this? My mother and my doctor. Why in the world did I marry her? I met her, fell in love with her, wanted to have a family with her and I thought my desire to dress and my interest in men would go away once I was married. Have I ever had sex with a man? Yes.

I would like to stop here and thank everyone who has ever gone through this and posted their experience here and to those who commented on these posting. Because of these postings I was basically prepared for the million questions and therefore remained calm throughout my wife's struggle. After the first hour of questions she sent me to my mother's who lives 5 minutes away and told me to go and watch the hockey game there and not to return until the game was over. When I returned she had a lot more questions which I expected. She could not sleep that night and would wake me up throughout the night as she thought of more questions. I remained patient and understanding and continued to answer every question she asked as best as I could. She stayed home the following day and I went to the office.

She is still asking more questions which have more to do with our lives ahead of us. She is worried for me. She wants me to meet a man who I can have a relationship with and she wants me to be happy. She wants me to keep my crossdressing a secret and private. She wants me not to tell anyone that I am gay, if that is truly what I am, which is confusing her, until I meet someone worthy enough to be "partners" with. How can I be gay and have had sex with her? I always enjoyed our sex life, however, I am not interested in having sex with any other woman. What does that make me? I don't know and it doesn't matter.

My kids were told that I'm leaving because I'm not happy in the marriage, there is no one else. And there isn't. My son privately asked my wife if I wasn't leaving for another woman, am I leaving because I like men? She told him that it was but that there is no one I'm leaving her for.

We have agreed to be best friends and to keep in constant contact. I will be maintaining all previous financial commitments until a couple of our debts are paid which will be within the next 6 months. Then we will reexamine our finances again. She must be able to stay in the house and maintain it until it's time to sell and I will do everything I can to make sure that happens. My kids will have to start helping but they are totally okay with that and understanding.

We have worked in the same building since we met 30 years ago, married 28 years. I will continue to drive her to work each morning and will drop her off after work. This will give us a chance to update each other.

She does not want to ever see me crossdressed or see any pictures of me dressed and she does not want anyone to ever find out. Being gay seems to be something that will be accepted but the crossdressing won't be.

She has been amazing through all this these past few days. I am supporting her the best I can and she is supporting me. I have held her in my arms and let her cry each time she has broken down. It is quite painful for me to see how I have broken her heart and have shaken the foundations my kids and her have always relied on. She admits to her broken heart but sees the pain in my eyes and wonders at my life keeping this all inside all this time. She wants me to let her help me whenever she can and not to shut her out of my life. I am so pleased with this request and that she will not be shutting me out of her life.

I will be moving in with my mother this Easter weekend so there is still time to work out as many details as can be thought of together. We have also agreed to help each other out with errands and chores. I will come and fix things if something happens and start teaching my son how to take care of things.

I better end this now since my eyes are filling with tears. It is so hard to do what I am doing.

Bonnie

[Emily Ann Brown]

Been there done that sis. You will be in my prayers.


Emily Ann

[paulaN]

your post really hit me hard. because I may be near the same crossroads as you. many many prayers goes out to you and your wife. remember everything is for a reason, even if one can not see it at the moment in question.

[MJ]

my heart goes out to you , been there done that , but i am not gay. please try to help her understand this is not her fault that she never failed you that she has done nothing wrong , your wife is hurting so very bad right now , try to help her understand , that was like a nuclear explosion going off to her after a while she will get mad at you but please help her at this difficult time

[Bonnie D]

Thank you Emily, Paula and MJ.

My plans to move out and in with my mother fell through. She refuses to have anyone live with her for whatever reason. My wife is letting me stay for as long as I need to and my kids are pleased about that because it will make the adjust period a bit longer. My wife also said that I can crossdress whenever I take day off and will be home alone, she just doesn't want to hear anything about it. She doesn't want me to actively be seeking a man while I'm still living with her. I totally understand. We are continuing to talk things out and she is glad that I'm answering all her questions. The most difficult was to talk about what kind of man would I want to have a relationship with and then she had questions about the sex.

Bonnie

[Tee]

You have a most understanding and caring wife. I wonder if it is precisely why crossdressing appeals to me, to emulate their beauty and touch.
It is most couragous to come to this crossroads and to decide.
I am especially heartened to hear very little anger from your wife, and your patience in answering her questions.
Every serious relationship is built on friendship and trust. The Sex comes later.

[jeniinnylons]

I don't want to sound stupid or anything but if I do I'm sorry but what about staying and having a open marriage?

[noname]

Wow. Are you sure you want to do this? Such a big step. Is she open to the idea of you not leaving but being a CD? Is that something you would be open to. If this is something you must do, then it's something you must do.

[Sheri 4242]

I am happy for you that everything has gone so smoothley thus far. Just one thing you may want to prepare for: anytime there is a loss (and this will be a loss -- most especially for your wife) there will be certain emotional stages she will go through. Right now she is dazed -- she will proceed on to grief. At some point there will be an angry stage. I hope you will be as calm and patient as you are now when that anger stage comes. It would be rare if she didn't have an anger stage, but, assuming she does, if you continue to show her love and let her know that it is what you must do for you and has nothing to do with what she has or han't done, you will be able to keep the deep friendship you have with her. For the sake of you both, as well as your children, it would be wonderful to maintain that friendship. Just be aware of, and prepared for, the possibility of an anger stage. You sound like the type of person who can handle it, especially if you are prepared. Good Luck!!!

[Lilith Moon]

Bonnie,

You are brave to go through all of this and still be able to come here and share your experiences. I can't think of any way to help, except to say that I read every word and felt for you and your SO. I haven't gone through it myself but it is one of several possible scenarios I could be facing in the future, although I hope it never comes to it.

[Myst]

Bonnie, I found your story a little saddening, but its your life and you need to live it the way you want to. The good thing about the whole situation though is that both you and your wife are acting like mature, responsible adults. That is something that is rare when things like this happen. I hope everything works out well for you, your wife and your kids.

Myst :star:

[uknowhoo]

:hugs: My prayers are with both of you, and your family. I do hope you're both able to continue to handle this is a cooperative and compassionate manner. :hugs:

[Bonnie D]

Thank you very much for all your comments and support.

My wife is still asking questions and some are difficult to talk about particularly when it concerns gay sex and admitting that I've had sex with men before. She also wanted to know how the dressing tied in with the sex. I told her most gays are not into crossdressers but there are some and that the type of man I need to have a relationship with. One who would basically treat me like a woman. She does understand why I was in denial early in my life and it eventually lead to me marrying her. She wishes that I could have accepted myself and not have married her but that's water under the bridge and we will just have to take it one day at a time. I agreed with her on both counts.

We have both dealt with deaths of younger brothers and are well aware of the stages of grief. She has told me that she is greaving her loss of her marriage and her future with me even though I am still there. I am expecting the anger stage and will remain calm and understanding. My mother refusing to let me move in with her is probably a good thing for my family and myself. My daughter has already said that she is glad that I'm not moving yet because it will give her more time to adjust to the idea that I will be moving sometime in the near future.

My wife told me that she will allow me crossdress on my days off as long as no one is home. She does not want to hear about it and she is having difficulty with that aspect of my coming out. She asked me if I could be just gay and stop my dressing. I told her that I couldn't because the dressing has always been a part of me and a part of my expression of my female self. She asked if I was expressing my female self sexually with a man wouldn't that be enough. I told her that I doubted it but I really didn't know. Maybe once I begin my therapy that question could be answered. I really doubt that I would ever stop dressing.

Thank you again for your support.

Bonnie

[Sally24]

It is so bittersweet that you are separating but that she wants to help you and wants you to be happy with another man if that is your choice. Just be aware that it is never too late! We all have taken too long to try to be who we are, some longer than others. All you can do is try to fit your life and your desires together as best you can. Find a place that you are comfortable with and see if you can be happy with yourself.

Good Luck!

Sally

[Bonnie D]

Hi Sally,

Yes my wife wants me to be sure that my new life will not interfere with or negatively affect my children's lives. I will have to merge the two together somehow and still be comfortable with my life.

Bonnie