Spending time with SO vs. the girls?

[countrygirlGG]

I'm a newbie here.Just found out my husband as been CDing.Trying to get thru this rough spot.I'm being very open minded & understanding & at the same time trying to see things thru his eyes.My question is: would you rather spend time with your SO or the girls? Mine seems to want to shut me out of his life now & just trying to see if you can lend any advice? Any & all would be helpful:hugs: Thanks so much:D luv, countrygirlGG

[Carin's Wife GG]

he enjoys having me around I guess. I am sorry you feel your SO is shutting you out.


Louise.

[Casey Morgan]

I don't have an SO but I couldn't imagine "constantly" (my word, not yours) choosing others over her. I can think of a couple of things that may be going on but a little more information from you would be helpful. Is he online all the time but not really saying much if anything about all this to you? Has this been going on for a while?

Sometimes we pull back a bit to try to work some things out. Getting advice from others in the community can be helpful. But irregardless of what's going on, let him know you're feeling shut out of his life. This may not be intentional, or he may be lost in the "pink fog". Either way, tell him how you're feeling. If it's unintentional, hopefully he'll open up to you. If it's the pink fog, at least you'll know what you're dealing with and you can figure out what to do from there.

[Toyah]

What an interesting question.
My wife says she wants me to be with her from time to time and we do spend a lot of time together. She does have an annoying tendancy to go to sleep after about 10 which is usually when I spend time on Yahoo.
I think her biggest problem is she sees Toyah as a challenge to her in some way. Her best comment usually is "that looks OK" trying to fing out if she has a preferance does not work.
I dont let Yahoo or this site take over its usually late at night when I am here or, 10 min or so if I am working on my PC but girls will be girls so she still does have a moan from time to time

[Emily Ann Brown]

This attitude has come up before I believe. Shame, and fear of the explosion to come were mentioned if my feeble mind is functioning. Did he spend time with you BEFORE the discovery?

My personal opinion is oh boy do I wish mine had wanted to spend time with me and understand what was going on in my head. But then it didn't go down like that.


Emily Ann

[Melanie R]

It is beyond my comprehension why a CD with an accepting wife would not want to spend more time with her especially if she can dress in the wife's presence. I have met some CD's who are uncomfortable being dressed with their wives and want to spend more time out in public. My advice is find a compremise acceptable to both. There are too many CD's on this board who would love to have an accepting wife.

[Christina Nicole]

I spend most of my free time with my wife. I spend a much smaller fraction of said free time with my non-TG friends. I have a few friends who are transsexuals and I see them very, very infrequently. I spend zero time with cross dressers, because, quite frankly, talking about panties is a bore.

Sorry that I have no advice for you in this matter. I simply cannot understand most crossdressers.

Warm regards,
Christina Nicole

[Holly]

Well, CountrygirlGG, let's hope that this can be chalked up to the newness of this situation for your hubby. My wife knows and accepts. When I dress, I would much rather spend time with her... but then again, I like spending time with her when I'm not dressed, too :D . Maybe this doesn't have to be an either/or thing. Would you be comfortable spending a girls night out with your husband and some of his friends? Do his friends have SO's who go out with them as well (so you don't feel like you're alone and have someone to talk to about your feelings)? Is your husband open to that as well?

[tifftg]

It wasn't clear to me whether you were open to being with your cd husband while he dressed or if you wanted him to leave that behind and be his male self more often with you. That is where it becomes difficult as some "girls" need lots of femme time. Try and find a balance.

good luck

tiffany

[cdmich]

CG Girl,
Every CD would love to have a SO that feels like you, trying to understand. My wife and I dress up together and have a relaxing day of . Iwould like to go out and feelI can pass enough not to be screamed at. To go out without her would be nice too, but since she is so accepting I have to live with her wishes. Learn to understand a she might begin to come around. Plan a dress up day maybe
Michelle

[Lori SC]

CountryGirl,

CDs and SOs in a successful marriage find a balance that works for them.

Usually the CD is in guy mode most of the time, with occasional forays while dressed.

GGs can chime in here, but they seem to like the guy they married to be around quite a bit.

I spend 95% of my time in male mode. (Ok, maybe I am wearing panties that can't be seen). However, I do make special effort to go to the support group meeting since they are only once a month.

Have a talk with your husband and see if you can reach some sort of understanding of how much time he spends enfemme, away, with you, and in guy mode.

Hugs, Lori

[Michelia]

Of my time is spent with my SO. It does not matter whether I am dressed or not. If I am, I am her girl. If not, I am her man. We do everything together.

Michelia

[Sheri 4242]

countrygirl,

I "think" that all the answers you have been given thus far are centering on the "possible" problem. Of course, an answer to the question Tiffany asked would be extremely helpful. Any answer is just supposition if we don't know if you are open to being with your husband while he is crossdressed or not!

I am much like Holly said about herself, I want to be with my wife when I'm dressed -- and 99.9% of the time we are together when I am dressed. Melanie R said that it would be difficult to comprehend why a CD would not want to spend more time with his wife if dressing in front of her is an option -- I agree and that brings us back to the unknown factor: are you open to your husband dressing in front of you?!!!

So, here is what I'd have to tell you at this point: you say you just recently found out that your husband is a crossdreser. Without further information I can only guess that there "may" be one of two things going on.

The first is does he dress in front of you? Have you let him know it is okay to dress in front of you? (Is it okay for him to dress in front of you?) Even though I have a very accepting wife, who I told about my crossdressing before we got engaged, I recall that I was very nervous the first few times I wore a skirt & blouse or dress around her. I was already wearing nighties to bed almost from the start, and I wore panties every day. So, it wasn't that she hadn't seen me in feminine attire. It was just the first few times I completely dressed -- I even remember the first outfit was a cute plaid miniskirt -- I was so nervous and hesitant. SO, maybe you can get past this by assuring him (and doing so several times so that it will sink in) that it is okay to dress in front of you! Even if he has dressed in front of you, reasure him again that this is okay. I know many CDs who have deep in their core the desisire to have an accepting and encouraging SO who will allow them to dress freely in front of them.

The other explanation that comes to mind has also been mentioned (by Casey) -- that he is in a pink fog. If that is the case, you should "bring him down to earth." If he is in such a fog, he may be so preoccupied with things like chatting here, that he isn't devoting enough time to you. Talk! Tell him you are willing to accept this aspect of his life, but that you want more of him, dressed en femme and en drab. Tell him that if you two are to create a healthy mariage with crossdressing in it, you need to get to know this "second self" as some call it. If you are accepting and willing to let him dress in front of you, he needs to get out of any pink fog he may be in and appreciate what he has right at home -- a gem!!!

Barbara

[melissacd]

There are any great insights in this site. The one thing that I wrote that may put things into a bit of perspective from my point of view is in this thread:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=24169

Communication is the key and I wish you lots of success in making this work.

Huggs
Melissa

[Victoria Anne]

I must agree with the other ladies here,I cannot render advice without knowing wheather or not you are open to your husband dressing in front of / with you. I can tell you this, I am married to a very supportive wife and I want to spend my time dressed with her. That is we share ourtime together,dressed or not and we talk about it what she likes and what I like. We will shop together and have fun with it. The bottom line is this,you have to ask yourself "what is your comfort level with his dressing?" that is how big a part do you desire to have and if you dowant tobe a part of his cding you need to voice your concerns and let him know you want to be a part of this world. It can be alot of fun for both of you and bring you to a new level in your relationship. All the best of luck toyou both. Victoria Anne:hugs:

[Billijo49504]

Hi, the wfe and I went shopping tonight at K-mart. We had a ball, most of the stuff we got don't fit, but it was fun. She got a top and a pr of pants, I got 2 bras and a skirt. Sounds fair to me. best time I spend is with the wife...BJ

[susie evans]

i love spending time with my wife in either mode we are best friends and would not have it any other way i do hope things work out for the best :hugs:

susie

[Glenda58]

Hon I would love to spend time with SO if I had one. I would have meet the other girls so she would know whats is happening to us and that I still love her and this is only part of me who fall in love with her.

[SandyR]

CGG,

For me I really like to spend time with her, we are each others best friend and lover. I guess we both need our space though. Seems to work for us. I hope you all figure it out. If you need someone to listen, please drop me an email.

Kisses.....

SandyR

[Megan72]

I'm a newbie here.Just found out my husband as been CDing.Trying to get thru this rough spot.I'm being very open minded & understanding & at the same time trying to see things thru his eyes.My question is: would you rather spend time with your SO or the girls? Mine seems to want to shut me out of his life now & just trying to see if you can lend any advice? Any & all would be helpful:hugs: Thanks so much:D luv, countrygirlGG

Sweety, he should get over it, this is all very new to you and him, the knowing part anyway. Just be supportive and he will come through.

Me I would rather spend time with my SO, she is my world; but we all need a little "me time" right? As for the girls, well hey have to wait, there is only room for two girls in my life. Kelli and Lisa.

[Country girl]

Hi ya countrygirlGG, I have to say this is a first! Never shared my name with anyone before!:D There are other Country girls but they all have where they are from or some other intial in their name to distinguish them from me.. Just hope the members don't get confused. :eek:

Now as to your question, as the other 's have said, a lot depends on how accepting you are or if you are accepting at all. Sometimes talking will only do the trick when you spend numerous hours drilling it in to their heads. Although they like to dress as women and act like a woman, they still tend to think like a man. Contrary to popular belief, not all men are completely happy just because the SO is accepting. My SO has many moods and changes as to how he feels from day to day. Good luck you you. God bless you and I pray you will have a wondefully long and productive marriage. :hugs: Country Girl GG

[Trisha]

i like spending time with my wife and go out and do things together hope all goes well for you but as to why i just dont know when it comes to your hubby only you and your hubby can work thro this best of luck

[RobertaFermina]

I don't have an S.O. right now.

The one woman who has been a prospective S.O. had been sharing a rough patch with me. I had been feeling harshly judged, and so hopeless about overcoming that rough patch that I left the relationship drift into "just friends".

I'm more enthusiastic for crossdressing than the uncertainty and potential emotional stress of resurrecting and righting *that* relationship.

If I find a woman who is more positive about ME and neutral or positive on Crossdressing, I would crave her attention, and feel like my attentions were welcome. I would probably want to Crossdress less.

There is a strong component of escape in my dressing, alongside the thrill of exploration and self-discovery.

With less of a spur to escape I would have incrementally less motivation to Crossdress.

:rose: Miss Treated :rose:

[Joy Carter]

Hey there ! Just make a date with him. Do a dinner at home or out. Some wine a nice card. Maybe even some flowers. Besides he owes you time to be with you before all other activities.

[Marianna Julianna]

Ideally I'd like to do both, but not likely. I would have to spend time with her first and foremost, not that I get much choice, but she accepted what I was, even if I didn't dress for years after we married, and her married her for life so she always has to come first.

[Sheila]

countrygirlGG
My cdr went quiet on me when I first discovered his cding, ...... eventually I learned that it was because, he had to get his head round the fact that not only did somebody else now know, but that they did not go running out the door screaming pervert.

hope this helps

Jess

[Josephine 1941]

Hi CC,

I feel for you, I just waved by to my girl fiend who was going to play tennis with her girl friends. I am dressed with heels an a skirt wig an make up , as I have to do the house work clean the kitchen , laundry, an other house hold chores. Your man needs to let you in,then he can come on here an talk with us girls to let him know he has a gem in you. Good luck.

Josephine

[MJ]

I'm a newbie here.Just found out my husband as been CDing.Trying to get thru this rough spot.I'm being very open minded & understanding & at the same time trying to see things thru his eyes.My question is: would you rather spend time with your SO or the girls? Mine seems to want to shut me out of his life now & just trying to see if you can lend any advice? Any & all would be helpful:hugs: Thanks so much:D luv, countrygirlGG

hi countrygirl no#2 i am so confused. lol . OK if you just found out then your S.O maybe a little afraid to talk to you or even dress in front of you
i feel the best thing you can do is talk to him and if you are OK with the cding issue.... you need to talk to the gg here as well please don't forget you also need help and advice. sometimes when your man comes out of the closet he tends to lock you in.. just give him time the more you talk to him and tell him it's OK the sooner he will come out of his shell

PS thank you it is nice to here another S.O is accepting he is a very lucky guy / girl hugs Marissa

[ubokvt]

I have a wonderfully suportive SO who shares it "ALL". I love spending time with her, dressed or Drab but as in all things there needs to ballance. Some times she wants time alone for her "things" and equally for my health she insists I periodically go out with the girls without her. A ballance between togather time and alone. Also you are new to this and its hard to share all dressing. There are times, like when I'm putting on stockings and she is watching me and talking about the normal things and I see her lips moving but all I can comprehend is OMG she is watching me put on stockings what must she be thinking!!!!!! Its easier to not share than face that. So right now you are both learning to share something new and he has a lot of fears.

[countrygirlGG]

You're right, I wasn't clear on some key points.I am open to the CDing.I am open to everything for him/her.I am trying to understand everything also,it's only been a short time for me since I found out on my own about the CDing.He didn't tell me,I found out on my own,by accident.But he has been on the computer,phone ect & let's me out of his life since she's been dressing in secret.When I do ask him anything about that part of him,he's said many times now,"that it's an another part of my life that I don't want to share with you, my me time".I'm a very supportive wife for everything, always have been & always will be,I guess.I even thought he might have been having an affair, but he said no.I'm trying to believe him & in him on that one.That's why I posted the question to begin with.I thought perhaps it was something that was just normal to CDing???Like I said it's all new to me.I'm learning as I go, just like everyone else.Thanks for all the replys.Maybe he just doesn't want to be in our marriage anymore????I don't have a clue?& him not talking only makes me think that more & more.Hey, thank for all the feed back too!!!I really appreciate all!! =:)))))))

[kerrianna]

Hi countrygirl.

It's hard to say what is motivating your SO without knowing the two of you and your journeys.

I can tell you from my experience only - my SO knew about my CDing all along - what she and I both didn't know was how STRONG and deep that was. When I, well, basically flipped out at age 48 and 22 years together, we were both surprised that this CDing was so much of who I am. In my case I can see now it's because I'm TG, but I can't say that about your SO.

Despite all this I can say unequivability (haha should never try spelling a word like that)... that I know I must do this journey with her alongside me. Some days we are both scared. I really don't know where this is leading...but I do know that my relationship is number one, so if something is important to me I try to make sure WE deal with it.

It sounds like you're giving your SO the chance to do just that. All I can say is either he thinks he's in a rut and gets thrills elsewhere or he's scared to really be him/herself yet. Either way, he needs to talk to you. Avoidance is going to get him a one way ticket to loneliness.

Tell her if she really wants to be a girl TALK! Girls talk! Get her to come here. We'll set her straight. Good luck honey, I really do hope you guys can work it out. :hugs: :love:

[Robin Leigh]

Hello new Countrygirl! Welcome! :hugs:


I am open to the CDing. I am open to everything for him/her. I am trying to understand everything also,

it's only been a short time for me since I found out on my own about the CDing. He didn't tell me, I found out on my own, by accident. But he has been on the computer, phone ect & let's me out of his life since she's been dressing in secret.
Accidently finding out must have been quite a shock. For both of you. As others have said, you're a gem for being so understanding & willing to learn.

How long since you found out? And how did you find out, (if you don't mind me asking)?


When I do ask him anything about that part of him, he's said many times now, "that it's an another part of my life that I don't want to share with you, my me time".
I think that's sad. Maybe he'll grow out of that attitude, once he comes to terms with the fact that you know & he doesn't have to hide any more. Sometimes, we CDs get so used to hiding this stuff we react weirdly at first when our loved ones find out.


I'm a very supportive wife for everything, always have been & always will be, I guess. I even thought he might have been having an affair, but he said no. I'm trying to believe him & in him on that one. That's why I posted the question to begin with. I thought perhaps it was something that was just normal to CDing???
Nothing is "normal" in the transgendered world. :) However, as you may have gathered from the other replies, your husband's behaviour is definitely unusual, especially if you're still fairly young. If you are at retirement age, and he's been doing this behind your back for decades, his attitude would be a little more understandable.

From what you've told us, I understand why you feel a bit suspicious of him. He is expecting you to trust him, but he's not being totally open & honest with you.

He may not be having an affair, but it is possible that he may be bi or bi-curious. He may enjoy being flirtatious with men (CD or not), but not really desiring to go all the way. Still, that's not fair on you. Being a CDer is no excuse for any form of infidelity, in my book.

Whatever he's doing, let him know that he's hurting you & your relationship. And that you need to talk about this.

I hope you two sort this out soon. Tell him to come here. We'll sort him out.:D
(Now where did I put that 2" x 4"... :devil: )

Best wishes & :bighug:

:hugs:

Robin

[Lissa Stevens]

If my SO was supportive I would much prefer to spend time with her. At first though even if she was I might still be scared and embarassed to be seen enfemme around her. Give him some time and make sure he knows you are not being judgemental. We CDer's spend so much time hiding ourselves because even we don't fully understand ourselves.

[MJ]

[QUOTE],"that it's an another part of my life that I don't want to share with you, my me time"

he is scared to open up to you, you found out his deepest darkest secret. i too would be afraid and scared give him time

.
I'm a very supportive wife for everything, always have been & always will be,

my god does he know how lucky he is to have someone like you..
is he a member here ? as there is great advice and information

.
Maybe he just doesn't want to be in our marriage anymore????I don't have a clue

only he knows the answer to that , give him time , may i ask how long you have been married ?


him not talking only makes me think that more & more.

please don't think like that , cross-dressing is a very personal issue only the gg here can give you better advice...
i hope in time you both understand and life gets better.. maybe getting him some thing might open him up a little
i wish you all the best

[countrygirlGG]

We've been married for 7.5 yrs, dated for 2.5yrs prior to that.I found out about two months ago.I found out by complete accident, I found some strange emails, then I discovered "her" pictures.I didn't confront him right off,I was in shock & didn't want to say things that would hurt him as well as our relationship.It's a knee jerk reaction to hurt someone who has hurt you.I think we've all be there at one time or another,haven't we?I took that time to deal with it & kinda get used to it,ya know??When I did confront him he didn't even react,he just said "so you found out, how?No emotions what so ever from him.There is a age difference between us, he's in his early fifties & I'm in my mid 30's.We don't have any children.He just says he doesn't want to involve me in the other part of his "new" life.He spends very little time with me since I found out also.That's when I found this site & you all have been helping so very much!Thank you!!!:love:

[Eva Diva]

I even thought he might have been having an affair, but he said no.I'm trying to believe him & in him on that one.That's why I posted the question to begin with.



I think someone already referred to this, but I'll focus on it. It is a fact that most crossdressers are straight, and many here will fit that profile. On the other hand, there is a significant fraction - don't ask me how many - who are bi-, and find their bi- expression in the CD world. The messages I get from my Yahoo site assure me of that. So a gambling person would bet on the straight and confused/conflicted explanation proposed by many in this thread. The problem is that if he was meeting guys for dress-up (and more) parties in motel rooms, the symptoms would probably be the same. However small the odds are, you have to right to consider all possibilities, bad and good.

That's a depressing possibility for a wife to hear, but there you go. I have absolutely no idea what the situation is in your case. But since you are a person asking for help, I have to give you my best, most complete answer I can. In the worst case, your health may be at stake. In the best case, you live happily ever after. I hope things work out well for you. Good luck.

[Angie G]

Your SO is a idiot he can have the best friend abd SO all in one so what is his prolebm I love having my wife with my :hugs:
Angie

[Roxi Loh]

I would prefer to spend time with my SO if she were accepting. And as everyone has said so far...that is the key. I would love to spend time with the gurls...but I don't love any of them.

[Di]

Just caught up with your post. I am thinking that since you found out by accident...he is used to hiding this part of himself and still is uneasy. I am always in favor of just saying the truth...tell him....this is not going to get it....we are a partnership and I am willing and trying to understand. Best Wishes hon:hugs:

[Lovely Rita]

The most fun I ever have is with her. No contest. Hands down she wins.

I say this with care of course. I have no idea about your relationship and why it is the way it is nor do I want to pry. I only hope that you will enjoy the best relationship you can with your partner.

[countrygirlGG]

I've been reading more & more posts here & especially all the replies to my own questions. One thing I've seen is all the love towards are SO's.The importance of all the time that is spent with them(weather in drab or fem), that you prefer to spend time with them(no matter what or who).Maybe my problem is not the Cding with my SO(rather the time away with the girls)but the fact is that I'm just not important to him, maybe I never was.You all have such a love for SO's that you'd do ANYTHING to keep your relationships.I'm not asking & never would,him to give up this part of him.It's not something you choose to do, I know that, it's who you are.But as I read all the posts & replies the one thing that all has said is the love they have for their SO's.I guess it's taken this discovery to show me how mine truely feels about me & our marriage. Many here say how lucky my CDer is to have me, I'm seeing how lucky all your SO's are to have all of you!!!You have really opened my eyes & I wish I had half the love & understanding that is given here:hugs: :love: :love: :hugs: