Problems - caught him in a lie

[cocopuff's girl GG]

My SO has told me about his CD right before this past Christmas and since I have been supportive and I try to be understanding. We have been shopping together and We've bought him several femine outfits. He has several skirts and blouses and a girly belt and he has shoes sandles and some of the women's Crocks ( shoes). He has several women's jeans that really look like women's jeans that he wears to work. He's a truck driver. He also wears panties everyday. Man's boxers went bye-bye long time ago. He has two water bra's and some breast forms. He has as much or more make-up than I do. lol He has a pair of women's boots. He has shirts he wears to work all from the women's section of course. What I'm going into such detial is because for some reason even though he knows I know he has resently been sneeking stuff around and when I ask him about it point blank he will lie to me. Does anyone have any info as to why he feels he must do this. It's almost like he's ashamed of me knowing. The lastest thing we had a fuss about was he bought a new shirt but when I asked him did he buy anything new recently he said no. This is not the first time this has happened and usually I don't make a big deal about it. I found the new blouse and confronted him about it just to let him know I had caught him in a lie. The fact that he bought something whether it was one peice of clothing or twenty was not the issue at all. It was the fact that he felt he needed to hide it from me and then lie about it. He works hard for his money and he can spend it anyway he pleases but now I'm wondering if he's hiding the little stuff aND LYING WHAT ELSE IS HE HIDING... Any suggestions are welcome. :love:

[racquel]

I wish I had an answer for you but I don't:sad: .
I cannot imagine having a wonderful woman like you in his life and not be able to be completely honest.I don't know of a single reason why any man would jeapordize what he has,and for what??? I am at a loss for words.:hugs:

[kerrianna]

Hi cocopuff's gg :hugs: ...first off you have been doing great dealing with everything.

I'm not sure why your SO feels she has to sneak stuff - all I can say is I do a little of the same. It's because I feel guilty spending money on my girl self when I'm supposed to be a guy and most of my regular life involves guy clothes, and no make-up. So anything I do for my inner girl I do see as an extravagence so I will downplay my purchases if I feel I spent too much.

The funny thing is I do shop for deals, and my SO generally agrees I got a bargain and is happy for me when she sees my latest acquisition. The trouble is I often acquire a lot at the same time.

I don't think your SO is hidng anything other than she feels guilty spending money on something she might think is unnecessary. However we all know...a girl has to have nice clothes and good make-up.

Tell her you think so too. The more open you both are the better for all.

Good luck. :hugs: :love:

Kerrianna

[Lisa Golightly]

Awwww... sounds like, as Kerianna says, that you've got a shopaholic there :)

I used to sneak things into the wardrobe... not because I was ashamed... rather I feared the 'What the divil have you been buying now... How much!?!' etc.

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

Ive had same probs hun :( and when i questioned it, i got a mouthful !! so..... we came to the conclusion, "tell me if you want to", but dont shut me out !! :o he said it was that "somethings" he buys, he wants to keep to himself, and i took offense @ this !! :( wanting to be part of it, but yet wasnt allowed on "certain" things. All i can say hun is talk . Explain how you feel, worth a try :hugs:

[Kate Simmons]

When I was doing it in secret, I could "understand" why I wouldn't share things with my wife even though it was wrong. Having an understanding SO, it kind of boggles my mind why some guys would do this. If I had a gem of an SO as you gals are, I would most assuredly discuss things I had or bought. Any time my wife wanted to buy something or bought something(like clothes or whatever), she always discussed it with me and always wanted my opinion. I just think that turnabout would be fair play, that's all. Trust is the basis of any relationship. Why strain that trust with silly little things like this?:straightface:

[Brianna Lovely]

I wonder if your SO has spent so much time "hiding her secret", that it's become a habit to lie about purchases.

On the other hand, how many GGs go shopping, buy seven items, show their SO one new skirt, and "forget" to mention the other six items????

[Sarah Plumber]

I'm not going to pretend that I know what others are thinking but I can say that I'm a liar as well. But then I'm "in the closet" although my wife knows what I'm like and tries her best to avoid the subject (like the plague). Your SO is so lucky. Good for you.

So why the lies? I'm guessing but I find my CD'ing very embarrassing. Almost shamefull. I'm supposed to be a man. I do mans things and live in a very male dominated world (my work). CD'ing is very personal and I guess that if my SO suddenly saw the light and helped me I'd still be very self conscious. I'm sure I'd be embaressed about sharing my taste in clothes even with my wife. I'd certainly feel guilty. It's bad enough as it is but I'd feel really bad about spending cash on stuff that is very personal. Without being CD it's hard to describe how personal. Maybe a window to the very soul. We all know it's only clothes but they are so much more to me. Why should I have this very intimate pleasure and not share it with my SO as we do everything else? Because it's impossible to find anthing quite like it the "normal" world to give back.

I quite often wonder to myself if it's the illicit of underground part of my CD'ing that makes it so exciting? The idea of doing something considered by many as "immoral", "abnormal", and against the norm. Breaking the laws of society as a way of rebelling. Having a secret life...I can go on and on.....

Sorry if I'm being a bit daft but if my wife were to buy me some item of female clothing it would be like winning the lottery. The feelings would be the same. I cannot do the same for her, I've tried! There is nothing in her life that has the same amount of desire or attraction and I do feel bad about that. I love her very much and would give her the world if I could.

I'm probably completely wrong....but thats life..

Good luck and most of all be patient. Life changes constantly whether we like it or not and people are totaly unpredictable. Whats routine one minute may not be next week. Maybe it's going to take time for your SO to get used to his/her new life however great it must be. I know it would me after years of hiding it....but then I'm still there........

Sarah..xx

[Myst]

If I had a woman in my life that was so understanding and so accepting, I wouldn't find the need to hide anything! I don't have a woman like that, so of course, I hide all the women's clothes that I buy, but I also hide a lot of other stuff that I buy too. And I know why I do...

Cocopuff's Girl, how often does your SO surprise you with things? Maybe he hides his purchases because he feels he spends too much on himself and not enough on you. I know my SO often complains that I don't take her out as often, or buy her presents as much as I used to, all of which is true. One of the reasons is that I am too busy spending it on myself! For that reason, I tend to "neglect to mention" things that I have spent my money on.

After reading your post, Cocopuff's Girl, this is the only thing I could think of of why your SO would hide anything from you.

Myst :star:

[Suzie S.]

I have to agree with what everyone's saying here. Although I have never hid this from my wife, this is something I still feel awkward and embarrassed about. Your SO only told you about 4 months ago, so this is still very new to you. My wife has know since we have been married (12 years) and I still feel uncomfortable. His lying may be a safety net for him, although it is wrong. You need to let him know it has to stop. If you are OK with him making purchaces, be sure he knows this. He's probably embarrassed that, even with a respectful sized wardrobe, he needs to expand it. Communication and parience is the key, as things may be overwhelming for both of you presently. It will come in time. You have a big heart to embrace this side of him! I wish you both the best! Keep us informed how things are going. :hugs:

[EmmaB GG]

Brianna, you're absolutely right - I have a few married girlfriends with husbands in good jobs so money's not so much of an issue, but they still hide clothes purchases sometimes, then wear it for the first time months later and say "New? This thing? Nah, had it for ages!" - and it's true!!! I don't hide stuff, but I certainly don't highlight it ...!

Cocopuff's Girl - I told my SO early on that "dark corners" (i.e. hidden CDing stuff) makes my mind go into overtime so he's now pretty good at telling me what he wants, gets etc - OK, sometimes it can be a bit much , but this way of describing it has worked for us.

[Sheri 4242]

I cannot begin to understand why your SO does this. There could be several different reasons! My wife -- who is very supportive if you have read any of my posts -- will often times buy a new outfit and put it in her closet. Three or four weeks later she'll wear it and I'll say something like, "where (or when) did you get that outfit?" Her reply: "Oh this thing -- hey it has been hanging in the closet." lol

Well, I guess I sometimes do the exact same thing -- especially since when we shop toether she tends to buy two things for every one that I buy. lol -- don't get me wong, she's a gem and I know it! My best suggestion: get some quiet time when you won't be disturbed and have an open and honest face-to-face talk and tell him how you feel.

Barbara

[Tree GG]

Going to full femme wasn't the wonderous ride he thought it'd be. I had issues, and now other family found out & I've seen the shame and fear in him.

It's been a secret for so long, and upping the bar has been such a struggle, I can understand his hesitance to share everything all the time. Don't like being out of the loop, but sometimes I don't like being in the loop, either.

Tell him just what you told us. It's his money and he can do with it what he chooses. But as your husband, he has a responsibility to be honest with you - especially when asked.

[kimberly_f37]

Hi cocoPuff

Well be honest with her and tell her that u been to this forum and asked questions on this matter ! Let her know that ur so supported on this matter that you would want ur So to come out!

Think about this? Make a night for a Nice dinner at home and lay out some of her nice clothes you bought together and explain to her what is going on and that you Cocopuff want this to be as open as possiable !

Open relationship is Always the best thing !!!! Give her lots of HUGGS:hugs::hugs: :hugs: and let her know it OK!!

Have A Great Day Gurls !:love:

[Maggie Kay]

I can understand this for myself. My SO gives me support and then I react badly. Why? I think it is because I can no longer focus on what she thinks about CD. I'm left with my own conflicts. CD is a huge issue for society as we all know what we are facing "out there". The loss of "manhood" and power when dressed bring the need to hide again.

[Michelia]

Dear Cocopuff GG:

I hate to admit it. I have the most wonderful GG and we literally share everything and we talk about everything. But there are still sometimes when I buy things that I do not tell her about. Eventually I tell her or she finds out. She does not like it and I really try not to do it. But she has never called into question my honesty about other things...I think she fully trusts me except for this, which she has said is really no big deal even though it bothers her.

I think as far as couples are concerned we tell each other probably more than we should. Everything! So this is one of the very few secrets we have ever kept from one another. Sometimes you just want to protect the other person you love from aggravation. I think this is why I sometimes hide it. Because I lost control and I bought something without her being in on it. Don't most couples keep little things from one another? I guess it depends on what you consider "little".

Michelia

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Cocopuff GG

For most if not all crossdressing starts out as a secret pursuit

I think the problem stems from the fact the keeping a secret for so long, makes it difficult to break that habit.

He is having trouble coming to terms with the fact you are so accepting but he still feels guilty it take a while to believe everything.
He is probably scared too something will go wrong and upset you, if he buys too many items of clothing etc.

You need to keep communicating and if you honestly believe it does not matter what he buys Tell Him !!!!

It will still be a matter of convincing him you believe it but above all you have to keep talking

He is lucky to have you and he should realise it

Good luck to both of you

[silkie h]

Many of us still have huge guilt complexes about what we do. Sometimes it might simply be about not bringing attention to what we do. I dont lie to my wife about things that I buy, but neither do I go out of my way to tell her. She is ok with that.You only know about all of this for a very short time. Both of you have to get used to a new situation in your lives, & get comfortable with it. That can take a very long time indeed for some. I have'nt read any of the other posts on this, but I suspect that they will tell you variations on the same theme. He has lived with his secret for a very long time. It may be that he is finding it difficult to get out of that mode. Plenty of discussion taken in small steps will help. I wish you both the best of luck with it.

[lynn27]

Sounds like your approval has created a monster. You need to sent him down and lay out some rules now. All of us go thru the thrill of a buying binges and the guilty feelings later. Don't be to critical he's lived with the fear of rejection and having to hide a part of himself for so long. Even with your approval he might still harbor some of those feeling. Most of us live with the fear of discovery every day and it is hard to overcome.

I'm always bringing in new stuff but the difference is that I don't hide it from my wife. She has no real rules but I try not to go to far.

There could be other issues at play here, maybe your discovery and approval has taken the fun out of it, maybe he has others he shared this with, or maybe he been going to a support group. The only way to know is to talk about it. Communication is your friend and using it may help. Chances are he'll settle down over time.

Good luck

[sandra-leigh]

Speaking for myself:

There are some clothes I'd love to be able to show openly to my wife (whom I've never told): I have some really nice things that I feel good and comfortable wearing in public; clothes that are just clothes, something nice to wear that I feel relaxed in.

On the other hand, there is a streak in me of cross-dressing as part of sexuality: a part of me that, at times, wants to dress up provocatively and go out and be widely perceived as a woman and be seen as sexually desirable by the guys and gals. It is hard for a guy (especially a middle-aged one who could be thinner) to go out wearing male clothes that proclaim "I am a sexual being!" without it being either really stupid looking or risking "indecent exposure". There is a part of me that would be thrilled to have sexy real cleavage that I could show off, to "accidently" let people see down my blouse and so on. And since I can't explain this streak to myself, I wouldn't be able to explain it to my wife, but I would probably still feel the urge to buy clothes that make me feel desirable, and I wouldn't be keen on showing such clothes to my wife. A tame example of such clothes: thin black stretch pants (hardly thicker than tights) that really follow the contours of my butt.

So... one possible reason for hiding purchases, are if the purchases touch upon crossdressing-as-sexuality, along the lines of "I bought this because it turned me on to picture myself as a woman wearing it." Now if he were to say that to you, wouldn't it raise a swirl of emotions about "Is he gay?" or "Does he want to transition?" or "Aren't I sexy enough for him anymore?"

[MJ]

we keep this a secreat for so long it just becomes a bad habbit thats hard to break

[Reneecdinphose]

Well I can relate truly, I am the wife of a CD, that just found out less then 1 month ago that the husband has been dressing up for "2 years" behind my back, emailing... camming other "cd's", and going as FAR as replying to some of the MALE to MALE, want adds, I am like yourself I do not mind the dressing up, but there are boundries, I feel I married and said "I do" to the man, and the woman in him, came as joint package, ,I believe as a "woman" and standing beside your man and his feminine side, you have to make and set boundries, I know how you feel when your man buys a new shirt, try being just as tall , I'm a female 5'10 and the man wears my shoes and clothing, no sometimes i feel like i'm at home again living with my sister's, I make him ask me for permission to borrow or buy anything, also he's NOT allowed to buy anything femenine without me, I consider that a boundrie, we buy foo foo and pretty stuff together, if does it without me, I consider that breaking rules, and would consider him to be a "Drag Queen", rather then a CD., My rules are my life rules, I cannot be what I am not, I was built a woman, and want nothing but MEN in my life and my bed, wether he wears panty hose to bed or now, he's mine and I dont share. I cannot be a "man" in any form to try to please him if his desires impede, as woman with CD's husbands, it's harder then hell .. More and more each day I see the femeinine side of my husband displayed in public and it makes him look gay, in all honesty , what woman wants to be married to a "Gay" man ... not I ... We are all deserving of our fetishes. Mine are fish net and 150 pairs of heels,...
I wish you well, put rules and guidlines on it, draw it down and contain it , to where it's the bedroom, or on both of your days off , when you take it to work, and make it an everyday thing I belieive that's when it takes over, it's like a drug.. wein him off and contain it for both your sakes as husband and wife, as Cd and wife,.
Smiles...
His Wife ..

[CandyDarling]

I do the same thing. SO is trying but I still feel ashamed that she knows. That shame comes and goes. We talk, we try. we cry.

It may be that there are many of us like your SO - that even thiogh our SO knows we can't let go of the shame.

It may be that the shame itself is something he has lived with for so long he can not let it go. I think the concept is called "Trauma Bonding".

I don't know a God Damn thing!

[AERIN]

Sometimes a T girl just needs her own little space and special privacy and does not need an others interference. men are not good at sharing. Freedom is just a word for nothing else to loose.

[Eva Diva]

Just my opinion: he brought this into your relationship, not you. It's his burden to make it work for you, not the other way around. I'm all for going the distance, but if it were me - being once divorced - I'd lay down the law. I took a hit with my ex-, and it just put off the inevitable. I know that this is a place where CDs come to commiserate, but that doesnt mean that CDs who behave badly deserve support. The story related sounds a lot like an alcoholic sneaking drinks. If it were me - and it's not - I'd read him the effing riot act, and let him know I'm ready to walk. I just can't see the point of a marriage without honesty.


Of course, I've been divorced for +20 years, so maybe my advice isn't the greatest

[Reneecdinphose]

Eva, you're so right without the comminucation you have NOTHING, it's the communication that keeps you together, it's not hiding secrets, we've made a rule in our home, since I found out about him, btw I'm the wife, the red head in the picture... Our rule in our home, is NO SECRETS, none... even if I flirt which i am profound at doing, I tell him, if I crave after another man, I crave and dont give in, I attack my man.... and to be honest with no secrets anymore... our sex life is the hottest, he's found that I wasnt the BORING wife that he thought he had, he didnt know how WILD I was, and that I craved attention and loved I mean LOVED oral, giving after 14 years he's just finding out all of this, that the woman he married is a WILD TIGRESS, if only he's would have opened up to me 2 years ago.... man how time flies, but yes communication is the big one here, without it nothing grows..
We've started going to councling even though we talk, we sit and write out our fantisies even though they maybe far-fetched, we do it and we do it all together as a couple, ..
I must add, when my husband does dress up he looks a little like me .... he prefers red heads ...
Hugz
His Wife

[Julie York]

Oh pick me pick me! I know the answer.....:D

Imagine the fun of going out and buying something because YOU want it. You want it because......you just WANT it!

Now imagine that you feel obliged to tell someone every bloody time you just went out and bought something because you wanted it. You can't explain it, you maybe can't even justify it, you maybe even feel embarrassed that you wanted it in the first place.

It's his hobby, his obsession, his personal space in his head. Imagine a Mother going along to a teenagers party because....."We have no secrets"....Well that's what you are doing.


That's why he is secretive. It's his thing, not yours and you are trying to muscle in when he maybe wants to go to the party on his own now and then.

[Rikkicn]

Even after we tell our SO's, many of us are still left with feelings of shame and guilt that we've accumulated over a life time of hiding who we are and what our true desires are.
Coming out and revealing all of who we are can take time, patience and a deep sense of safety and trust with our partners.
Please just love him as he is and let him open up to you when he's feeling safe and comfortable.

[cocopuff's girl GG]

Yes you all have givien me a little food for thought. I do buy things and don't announce it to him it's kinda like if he don't ask I won't tell. But where he messed up is he was asked specifically and still wanted to lie. We did talk and yes I agree communication is everything and so is trust. He said he wasn't lying he just forgot to tell me. Right, I didn't buy it then and I don't buy it now. He knows I said this kinda of deceit will not cut it. I think I have done real good and come along way since finding out about his Cding. I would think he would appreciate the fact that he doesn't have to be secretly anymore. Hopefully he saw how upset his lie made me and keep in mind this is not the first lie I have caught him in either so if he cannot be honest about things I won't stay in the relationship and I made that clear to him the other day. The ball is in his court now. After I first found out before Christmas we did make rules together on how to deal with this new lifestyle and boundaries were established at that time too. Hopefully he will see that we can make it but it does take two working on it. I will have a special time for him to reassure him that it's ok with me that he dresses and has things he likes and that there is no reason to sneek, hide or lie about it. The secret is out and I'm dealing with it the best i know how. I hope he appreciates that fact. Thanks everybody for your suggestions and thoughts. :love: hugs

[MsJanessa]

Some of the best relationships are based on a lie----we have seen too much Oprah and Dr Phil and think we have to tell our spouses or SOs every little thing----if it isn't a problem for you that he buys the stuff, then don't bother asking him about it. If you don't care what he buys then nobody else will----he has probably been covering up for so long that it has become second nature

[SandyR]

There must be a male gene that says "we must protect". I don't know what to say, but you have my respect for hanging in there and being so kind to your SO. For me I guess its still, maybe a bit private and personel. My wife knows and supports me, but I still don't let her know when I plan to dress, almost bit me last Friday.

Big Hug!

SandyR

[kathy gg]

Hmm..I'll take a guess....
why not tell everything or why not be truthful.....even when it is easier...??

because sneaking and hiding and *gettting away* sometimes....for *some* is more exciting then having an SO's approval or acknowledgement.

Also...if I was thinking like a guy would....well let's see...
"why do I have to REPORT every purchase?"
"she is not the boss of me."
"when did my crossdressing become about what she likes?"


I can think of quiet a few guys on this forum who would probably perfer NOT to have an SO's support.

actually support maybe...to do what ever they want, when ever they want and never have to answer to anyone else.

But have a *supportive* wife who nods and smiles....

Yep...that pretty much sums up what a perfect life might be if *some* had their wish come true.

Freedom to do as they wish, with no repurcussions and no SO input or nagging.

and I better not get flamed ....we all can think of someone from our cd groups or forums who would relish having SO support, just without SO boundaries.

Sorry new girl..I am sure you dont' want to hear this, but this is the blunt answer to your question.

[Satrana]

I don't tell my wife everything I purchase and nor does she tell me everything she purchases. Why do you feel the need to make your husband inform you of all his purchases? Was this really a necessary boundary in the first place? If money is tight then this is makes sense, but if your money situation is ok then what is the issue?

As for lying after the confronation, this is likely just an instintive reaction of wanting to deny being caught for breaking the rule just as kids do with their parents. He lied because he broke a rule not because he did anything wrong by shopping.

[Mary L]

Just like you to know that what you describe resonates with me. I am profoundly embarrassed about my own crossdressing. I do it, and quite happily, but when talking to my wife about it, I am embarrassed to the point of lying or hiding things. Don't know why. I can talk about virtually anything else with no embarrassment whatsover. For what it's worth, keep the conversation flowing. And, create boundaries because they seem to fit your needs (and, your needs are just as important as his), but only if they will work. If he can adhere to them, good. If not, boundaries will only create friction between the two of you.
Regards,
Mary

[dancinginthedark]

I wonder if your SO has spent so much time "hiding her secret", that it's become a habit to lie about purchases.

On the other hand, how many GGs go shopping, buy seven items, show their SO one new skirt, and "forget" to mention the other six items????

:eek: Brianna have we met or have you been talking to my hubby? lol She is right you know cocopuff's girl, this may not be so much of a CD thing as a shopping thing like Lisa pointed out. I was guilty of down playing just how much I had spent and it isn't that my DH would be angry with me. I just got into the habit years ago when someone else would do the whole "You bought more heels!" or "You spent how much?!" Just like Kerrianna I felt guilty for spending money on what I felt was luxury items or fluff purchases instead of the necessities of life. And as necessary as I thought those new shoes were truth was it was a want not a need. --- I'm thinking it has nothing to do with how you are acting or even you...it's his/her hang up...just like it was mine-so let it be theirs. If everything else is going along smoothly don't sweat the small stuff. Is your partner honest in the important things? If so don't borrow trouble by thinking a shopping white lie means he/she is lying about everything. BTW it's taken a bit of time but I not longer hide my purchases but gladly share them now. hmmm maybe take a page from my hubby's book and ask your sweetie to model the new stuff and tell her how wonderful she looks. Worked for me. lol

My whole point being that sometimes what we GG's think is a CD issue isn't, it's just a character trait or a part of the person's make-up. Sometimes we need to remind ourself that not everything or every problem is rooted in the CD-ing. After all there is a whole lot of other things that go into who a person is or isn't and the CD-ing is only a part not the whole. Savvy?? :hugs: One last point the "I forgot I bought it" lie you are concerned about may not be a lie kiddo. I have a whole life, kids, work and home responsiblites etc and I may not remember when he asks me if I have bought something that I did indeed buy some new heels. If confronted [read that as I may feel confronted when there is no confrontation just curiosity on his part but I am stressed or something] I may fall back on old habit and deny it at first. [sounds like you may be unwittingly feeding his feelings of confrontation] However DH knows my past and is kind enough to gently remind me I don't need to lie or hide about my purchases any more.

dancin

[lynn27]

Hmm..I'll take a guess....
why not tell everything or why not be truthful.....even when it is easier...??

because sneaking and hiding and *gettting away* sometimes....for *some* is more exciting then having an SO's approval or acknowledgement.

Also...if I was thinking like a guy would....well let's see...
"why do I have to REPORT every purchase?"
"she is not the boss of me."
"when did my crossdressing become about what she likes?"


I can think of quiet a few guys on this forum who would probably perfer NOT to have an SO's support.

actually support maybe...to do what ever they want, when ever they want and never have to answer to anyone else.

But have a *supportive* wife who nods and smiles....

Yep...that pretty much sums up what a perfect life might be if *some* had their wish come true.

Freedom to do as they wish, with no repurcussions and no SO input or nagging.

and I better not get flamed ....we all can think of someone from our cd groups or forums who would relish having SO support, just without SO boundaries.

Sorry new girl..I am sure you dont' want to hear this, but this is the blunt answer to your question.Well said, I aggree completely. I think sometimes we forget that we are the ones that brought this into the relationship. As a CD'er we need to take a bigger role in dealing with the ramifications. How many GG's would stick around if their SO brought home a expensive bass boat and told the GG her "job" from now on was to "care and feed" the damn thing. It is not your SO's problem, if you want it you deal with without imposing "duties" on your SO....

the only time lying should take place is to avoid hurting someone, like "Honey, that really looks great on you..."

[Reneecdinphose]

With that said, I still think you put boundries on him, your SO, if he loves you and fully love him and you fully except him, cd'ing and all, this is something he has brought into the relationsdhip not something you have to force yourself into, he had to be just as willing to fit and make it fit into your "love and lifestyle" otherwise, if he's out buying stuff and "secretly" wanting more stuff and not telling you, he doesn't care about how you feel, and he's being greedy with his Cd'ing then with his love for you.
Everything in life has boundires, One does not have unprotected sex and except to live a long life now a days,. It's the roll and gamble and its the boundries we put on ourself, to prove "our" love "our" courage and our commitiment to each other. I do this for you because "I love you" I love you more then myself, here I am will show you how much I love being with you, enjoying you, ... Love is a gift, and can only be shared.
Thew Wife....

[cocopuff's girl GG]

Maybe I overreacted to it. I have decided to just let it go. It's over and done with and there is no use harping on it. I make mistakes too and I'm well aware of that. Maybe some of you misunderstood or didn't read clearly but I'll try to explain. It wasn't the act of purchasing anything.. I said that if you'll look in my post. It was the fact that he felt he had to lie, that is what hurt. Also I let things build up instead of dealing with it as it comes. Like I said this wasn't the first little white lie and I just don't want him to get in the habit of feeling like he has to lie to me about anything really. Sometimes in order to avoid confrentation I could lie but when he asked me specifically about something I tell him the bitter truth whether it's gonna make him mad or not cause I know the concequenses of being caught in a lie. My way of thinking is if I'm gonna hear it anyway I rather hear it while I'm being honest cause once you tell one lie seems you have to tell 10 more to cover up that first one. Another thing is trust has been a biggee from day one even before the CDing. He told lies early on and there was no reason for them and I caught him in them and seems now it's so easy for him to lie to me. I'm trying to let him see that it needs to end I need trust in this relationship period. End of sentence. This whole thing really had NOTHING TO DO WITH PURCHASES OR MONEY IT WAS ABOUT BEING HONEST. MAYBE SOME OF YOU DON'T VALUE THAT BUT I DO. Thanks for letting me vent and for all the insight and food for thought. HUgs :love:

[kathy gg]

I am glad to se a follow up to yoru orginal post. Cocopuff's gg I will tell ya I value honesty. I also have always felt that any person worthy of being with me should be adult and intelligent and loving enough to know they don't need to hide and lie about things. I am not my husbands mother or his personal ethics police....if he can't monitor his own right or wrong actions...well then to me that is not a man worthy of my love.

You say he lied, even when cd stuff was not in the picture. And I think one thing you have to realize is *men*...not all..but many cd's are excellent at compartmentlizing the lies that deal with cding and feel nothing...oh yes some admit to guilt and such, but really living this second life becomes ...well second nature. Lying requires a whole bunch of not only mentla, but physical strengths required to pull off...well a successful lie.

I really hope you and your guy can work past this. Really if you are as supportive as you say you are...ultimatly and eventually your patience and support will wear thin with continued liying...I hope he can get a grip on how much you value this part of life with him.





Maybe I overreacted to it. I have decided to just let it go. It's over and done with and there is no use harping on it. I make mistakes too and I'm well aware of that. Maybe some of you misunderstood or didn't read clearly but I'll try to explain. It wasn't the act of purchasing anything.. I said that if you'll look in my post. It was the fact that he felt he had to lie, that is what hurt. Also I let things build up instead of dealing with it as it comes. Like I said this wasn't the first little white lie and I just don't want him to get in the habit of feeling like he has to lie to me about anything really. Sometimes in order to avoid confrentation I could lie but when he asked me specifically about something I tell him the bitter truth whether it's gonna make him mad or not cause I know the concequenses of being caught in a lie. My way of thinking is if I'm gonna hear it anyway I rather hear it while I'm being honest cause once you tell one lie seems you have to tell 10 more to cover up that first one. Another thing is trust has been a biggee from day one even before the CDing. He told lies early on and there was no reason for them and I caught him in them and seems now it's so easy for him to lie to me. I'm trying to let him see that it needs to end I need trust in this relationship period. End of sentence. This whole thing really had NOTHING TO DO WITH PURCHASES OR MONEY IT WAS ABOUT BEING HONEST. MAYBE SOME OF YOU DON'T VALUE THAT BUT I DO. Thanks for letting me vent and for all the insight and food for thought. HUgs :love:

[cocopuff's girl GG]

Thanks Kathy, I hope he can figure it out too cause he's a good man, He's always been good to me and my son. I guess that's one reason we haven't married yet because there is alot of trust issues on my part. We are good together but if this trust thing could be put to rest it would be alot better. I have decided to forgive and try and forget but that's not always easy especially for women.