SissyJackie
04-02-2007, 10:13 AM
I posted an introduction in the new members section but felt I needed to clarify something about myself and it is more fitting in a seperate thread. I said I was a TS but was always afraid to act on it. Well for the most part that is true but….
After waking up in the middle of the night (last night) from yet another in the series of regular dreams of transitioning to a woman I realized I just had to post this very important milestone in my life in hopes that other TS’s and their wives (especially those with children) might benefit from it. It is the only way that I am able to live in relative harmony with the wrong body.
So many TS’s think we will get past it and try to live normal lives. We get married and have children and then it hits us like a ton of bricks. I married in my 30’s and had a son. I wished I could be the parent that conceived, carried, delivered and nursed my child and then would spend so many years nurturing him. I couldn’t go any longer in my male role. I couldn’t sleep at night and I was becoming a basket case and finally realized I could not live this lie any longer. My wife had already found out about my dressing and then after some joint therapy/counseling finally knew I was really TS. It was now time to act on it and she told me to go and do my thing.
I started on a light dose of Premarin (prescribed) for about a year and started electrolyses on my arms, hands, chest and face. The Premarin was starting to work wonders and after a while my Physician was comfortable increasing the dosage. I was able to think clearly for the first time in my life. My testes atrophied (about the size of grapes) and I could not get an erection. I was elated with this change. So far this was the best thing that ever happened to me. I felt wonderful that I was no longer a man. My female secondary sex characteristics were starting to develop but due to the original low dose it was not that noticeable yet and the Premarin alone was not enough to make a big difference. It was time to start more intensive counseling and the beginning of the RLT. I could soon be certified to use the ladies room due to my almost complete chemical castration. Likely all I needed was for a nurse to finish the job by beginning Depo Provera injections that could be certified and monitored. The Premarin made a really good start and now Depo Provera would finally turn my grapes into raisins. Perhaps a simple castration might be in order because soon my testes would not have a chance of recovery anyway but that was up to my Physicians. I could live with it either way because I found myself gloating and enjoying their demise. Their shriveled up presence was a trophy to my progress. Additionally I would be able to start additional hormones to further develop my female secondary sex characteristics. I couldn’t wait but the Provera itself was making life so bearable that I was just going to relax, enjoy the ride and make preparations for my future. All I had down there were some parts for my eventual surgery and a couple of parts I was laughing at and I was ecstatic. I was already immensely enjoying the slow and yet complete dissection and destruction of my manhood. Both physically and mentally I was emasculated. My future construction site was soon to be ready for the skilled surgeon.
Divorce was on the horizon and obviously losing custody was inevitable. It was a different time and there were fewer laws and not as much understanding. I worked in a highly skilled position and was around a lot of Type A workers and I could likely not comfortably adjust there and would have transferred to a different division to work in an office with many women. I knew that this part would work out. I would lose a lot of pay but that office was very understanding of crossdressers and so a TS would easily fit in.
Then it hit me. I would never conceive a child or nurture a child but I would be happy in my new body but I would never be a Real Woman. Yes psychologically my body would fit who I was but one ingredient would be missing. I would be taking a big cut in pay, getting into debt with medical expenses etc and this would be at the expense of my son’s future education expenses and still an unknown psychological impact on him as he would grow up, go through grade school and high school.
Well it was time to become a real woman and not just a girl. Yes I always wanted to be a girl so I could prepare myself for eventual Womanhood. My girlhood was shortlived though when I realized a Woman gives of herself to her children before ever thinking of her own needs. I was going to do just the opposite and hurt my child for my needs. Yes those needs were unbearable most of the time. It was a lifetime of constant struggle and anxiety about who I was but I was going to transition for me and I am not sure I could live with that. I finally became a Real Woman in my mind and all the rest was only for my appearance.
Hopefully for anyone here who needs to continue living that lie of being in the wrong body you need to become a Woman on the inside first. I still have very strong desires to dress but I can go longer periods of time without. I still dream about it. I wake up and think how much I would like to go through with it and then smile and tell myself "I AM a Woman and am extremely proud to be one” and doze back off. The real beauty of a woman is on the inside. Nurture her first anything short of that is doing yourself an injustice.
If I knew then what I know now I would have gone through with it very early in my life It has been very difficult but when you can not stand having that thing between your legs you have to either surgically get rid of it or psychologically destroy it. You need to become a Real Woman on the inside first.
After waking up in the middle of the night (last night) from yet another in the series of regular dreams of transitioning to a woman I realized I just had to post this very important milestone in my life in hopes that other TS’s and their wives (especially those with children) might benefit from it. It is the only way that I am able to live in relative harmony with the wrong body.
So many TS’s think we will get past it and try to live normal lives. We get married and have children and then it hits us like a ton of bricks. I married in my 30’s and had a son. I wished I could be the parent that conceived, carried, delivered and nursed my child and then would spend so many years nurturing him. I couldn’t go any longer in my male role. I couldn’t sleep at night and I was becoming a basket case and finally realized I could not live this lie any longer. My wife had already found out about my dressing and then after some joint therapy/counseling finally knew I was really TS. It was now time to act on it and she told me to go and do my thing.
I started on a light dose of Premarin (prescribed) for about a year and started electrolyses on my arms, hands, chest and face. The Premarin was starting to work wonders and after a while my Physician was comfortable increasing the dosage. I was able to think clearly for the first time in my life. My testes atrophied (about the size of grapes) and I could not get an erection. I was elated with this change. So far this was the best thing that ever happened to me. I felt wonderful that I was no longer a man. My female secondary sex characteristics were starting to develop but due to the original low dose it was not that noticeable yet and the Premarin alone was not enough to make a big difference. It was time to start more intensive counseling and the beginning of the RLT. I could soon be certified to use the ladies room due to my almost complete chemical castration. Likely all I needed was for a nurse to finish the job by beginning Depo Provera injections that could be certified and monitored. The Premarin made a really good start and now Depo Provera would finally turn my grapes into raisins. Perhaps a simple castration might be in order because soon my testes would not have a chance of recovery anyway but that was up to my Physicians. I could live with it either way because I found myself gloating and enjoying their demise. Their shriveled up presence was a trophy to my progress. Additionally I would be able to start additional hormones to further develop my female secondary sex characteristics. I couldn’t wait but the Provera itself was making life so bearable that I was just going to relax, enjoy the ride and make preparations for my future. All I had down there were some parts for my eventual surgery and a couple of parts I was laughing at and I was ecstatic. I was already immensely enjoying the slow and yet complete dissection and destruction of my manhood. Both physically and mentally I was emasculated. My future construction site was soon to be ready for the skilled surgeon.
Divorce was on the horizon and obviously losing custody was inevitable. It was a different time and there were fewer laws and not as much understanding. I worked in a highly skilled position and was around a lot of Type A workers and I could likely not comfortably adjust there and would have transferred to a different division to work in an office with many women. I knew that this part would work out. I would lose a lot of pay but that office was very understanding of crossdressers and so a TS would easily fit in.
Then it hit me. I would never conceive a child or nurture a child but I would be happy in my new body but I would never be a Real Woman. Yes psychologically my body would fit who I was but one ingredient would be missing. I would be taking a big cut in pay, getting into debt with medical expenses etc and this would be at the expense of my son’s future education expenses and still an unknown psychological impact on him as he would grow up, go through grade school and high school.
Well it was time to become a real woman and not just a girl. Yes I always wanted to be a girl so I could prepare myself for eventual Womanhood. My girlhood was shortlived though when I realized a Woman gives of herself to her children before ever thinking of her own needs. I was going to do just the opposite and hurt my child for my needs. Yes those needs were unbearable most of the time. It was a lifetime of constant struggle and anxiety about who I was but I was going to transition for me and I am not sure I could live with that. I finally became a Real Woman in my mind and all the rest was only for my appearance.
Hopefully for anyone here who needs to continue living that lie of being in the wrong body you need to become a Woman on the inside first. I still have very strong desires to dress but I can go longer periods of time without. I still dream about it. I wake up and think how much I would like to go through with it and then smile and tell myself "I AM a Woman and am extremely proud to be one” and doze back off. The real beauty of a woman is on the inside. Nurture her first anything short of that is doing yourself an injustice.
If I knew then what I know now I would have gone through with it very early in my life It has been very difficult but when you can not stand having that thing between your legs you have to either surgically get rid of it or psychologically destroy it. You need to become a Real Woman on the inside first.