Newbie question...where to start?

[Rachel75]

Hi All!
I'm fairly new to this forum, but I'm not new to this lifestlye. I'm 31 years old and I've been involved in this lifestyle for as long as I can remember. I've always known that I was really a girl with the unfortunate circumstance of being born the wrong sex. I've had girlfriends off and on throughout my life, but the relationships always end because I know that I'm not being true to myself by being a guy. I just can't pretend to live my life as a guy when I know deep down that it just isn't me. So here I sit...watching all my friends marry and have a family while at the same time knowing that I will never go through life living through the "traditional channels." Every day it gets harder and harder for me to live life as a man when I live life through the eyes of a woman.
I know that the transformation isn't easy...I don't expect it to be, but I do know that I'll never really be happy trying to live life as a man. So what do I do? Where do I turn? I live my life almost full time as a woman (except for going to work, but I'm ready to leave my job in order to fullfull my life's goal). So what do I do now? Where do I go from here? How to I start the wheels in motion for complete transformation? I've never waivered from these feelings, I have no doubt in my mind that this is where I want to go with my life. So how do I take the first step? Any info that you can give would be much appreciated. I'm ready to take that next step...I HAVE to take that next step. Thanks in advance, Rachel.

[AllieSF]

Hi Rachel,

This is a late life thing for me, so I do not yet have this life decision in front of me. Howeverr, you definitely have the advantage of starting young with the added benefit of no wife and kids to deal with.

Where to start? I would say the first thing, besides being here and reading, asking and exploring all this site has to offer, would be good counseling. That can be one on one, group with someone trained in this, or a non-professional group made up of people of similar interests like TG support groups. There are many sites that have links to these support organizations. Fow example, if you search for people in your area on urnotalone.com you will also get hits on local support gorups and associations. Local health services should also have lists of transgender groups and organizations. There is so much involved in a complete transformation (mental and physical) that good counseling will help you identify what you really want, how to do it and what to avoid, or at least try to avoid, along the way. I hope this helps. I am also sure that you will get a lot of first hand experience responses here. Happy reading!

[Makncheese]

Hi All!
I'm fairly new to this forum, but I'm not new to this lifestlye. I'm 31 years old and I've been involved in this lifestyle for as long as I can remember. I've always known that I was really a girl with the unfortunate circumstance of being born the wrong sex. I've had girlfriends off and on throughout my life, but the relationships always end because I know that I'm not being true to myself by being a guy. I just can't pretend to live my life as a guy when I know deep down that it just isn't me. So here I sit...watching all my friends marry and have a family while at the same time knowing that I will never go through life living through the "traditional channels." Every day it gets harder and harder for me to live life as a man when I live life through the eyes of a woman.
I know that the transformation isn't easy...I don't expect it to be, but I do know that I'll never really be happy trying to live life as a man. So what do I do? Where do I turn? I live my life almost full time as a woman (except for going to work, but I'm ready to leave my job in order to fullfull my life's goal). So what do I do now? Where do I go from here? How to I start the wheels in motion for complete transformation? I've never waivered from these feelings, I have no doubt in my mind that this is where I want to go with my life. So how do I take the first step? Any info that you can give would be much appreciated. I'm ready to take that next step...I HAVE to take that next step. Thanks in advance, Rachel.

First, you have to rid yourself of this notion that its a "lifestyle". Your gender identity isn't a "lifestyle". Its who you are. Its not semantics. And don't take this the wrong way, but if you're going to work as a man, you're not living "almost full time". Answer the following truthfully:

Are you dating as a woman?
Have you changed your name?
Does everyone in your non work life know you as a woman?
Are your credit cards in your girl name?
Do you use the womans room all the time?
Are you sirred or ma'amed?
If you are female all the time except work, I would expect you had to have told people that are close to you about your issues. Have you?

I hate to beat you up on this, but [REALITY CHECK]there is a world of difference going home from work and putting on a dress, and living full time.

Ok...to your questions.

Get a therapist.

Finally, read http://www.tsroadmap.com

Lots of good info there on building a plan to transition.

Sorry to sound harsh, but its a harsh process, and you might as well get used to it.

[Felix]

Hi Rachel :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: Wow that was some harsh words!!! I can see where Makncheese is coming from but I think a little empathy is needed here. Don't worry about gettin ya terms mixed up Hun it's easy done. I think you are brave to come on here and say that you are ready to take the first steps on the road to transition. There are lots of helpful ppl on here who will help you and give you support, they are a wonderful bunch. I think Aluchi_Aluchona has given you some good advice and ya should take a look at that link on the previous post. Getting a good therapist as ppl have advised me to do is probably a good idea to instead of beating ya self up about stuff. Well good luck Hun and remember that's what we are here for to support ya. When ya got ten posts ya can join the new section MtF (transition only) forum it's private and a safer place where you can talk about your journey and issues around transition. You may find it a useful place to be. Hope this has helped some xx Felix :hugs:

[Stlalice]

I'll second the advice given by others here. Your best first step is to find a good therapist that specializes in gender issues. Most general psychologists are not trained or equipped to handle gender issues and can do more harm than good. One good resource is to go to the web site of the International Foundation for Gender Education at www.ifge.org - they have listings for gender therapists in most major metro areas in the US and the site is a gold mine of information and links to other sites. Good luck and hang in there - let us know how you are doing. :2c:

Edit to add: The IFGE website appears to be having some problems - but if you Google "IFGE" you will find a link to their book store - hope this helps.

[jessie1]

I'm just starting into transition too. I sought out a good counselor (transexual familiar) and a transgender group. Meeting pre and post op women has helped me understand my feelings and the support is wonderful. I couldn't do this alone. Find the people who do what you want to do , and do what they did. Good Luke , Jessie

[Stephenie S]

Start by finding a good GENDER therapist. I think all above have said this and they are absolutey correct. This is where it all begins. Note that I said GENDER therapist. This is very important. You HAVE to find one that is familiar with gender issues and will be able to guide you in the right direction.

After that things will progress, or not, as you and your therapist determine. There is MUCH to do:

Voice training
Electrology
Hormone Replacement Therapy
Makeup skills
Wardrobe
Personal Care
Identification
Hair Dressing
Comportment
Job Skills
Feminine Facialization Surgery
Genital Reassignment Surgery
The list goes on and on

One of the most important tasks is learning how to live among women. This is not as easy as it sounds. If you can't do this you will never be accepted in your new life.

Notice that surgery is rather far down on the list. It's one of the least important steps on your way to integrating into society as a woman.

It all starts with gender tharapy though.

Steph

[AERIN]

Marriage is a prison! Here is the chance of a lifetime to be who you are, go for it!

[claireswife-gg]

I don't know about the whole marriage is a prison sentiment, because there are several people in marriages that can deal with this issue.

I would also recommend this site if the other is down: http://www.drbecky.com/therapists.html

There is no advice to give you except to study the Harry Benjamin guidelines and get yourself to a therapist. You'll go nowhere without one and it will take minimum of three months of therapy before they will talk to a doctor for you.

It's not an easy journey, but if it is a necessary one for you then you'll make it :)

Good luck!

[Rachel75]

First, you have to rid yourself of this notion that its a "lifestyle". Your gender identity isn't a "lifestyle". Its who you are. Its not semantics. And don't take this the wrong way, but if you're going to work as a man, you're not living "almost full time". Answer the following truthfully:

Are you dating as a woman?
Have you changed your name?
Does everyone in your non work life know you as a woman?
Are your credit cards in your girl name?
Do you use the womans room all the time?
Are you sirred or ma'amed?
If you are female all the time except work, I would expect you had to have told people that are close to you about your issues. Have you?

I hate to beat you up on this, but [REALITY CHECK]there is a world of difference going home from work and putting on a dress, and living full time.

Ok...to your questions.

Get a therapist.

Finally, read http://www.tsroadmap.com

Lots of good info there on building a plan to transition.

Sorry to sound harsh, but its a harsh process, and you might as well get used to it.


Makncheese - First of all, I want to thank you. Your post did sound harsh, but I'm not looking for the easy way out, and I really appreciate your thoughts and response. To answer you questions, no, I can't say yes to any of them. I'm not at that point yet...but I will be someday. I'm really just at the beginning of this journey and don't know where to go from here. I've considered therapy, but I've not explored that option yet because I've been worried that the average therapist will just try to steer me away from this decision and not want to hear how I really feel or what I have to say. Until now, I wasn't aware that there were such things as gender therapists who I can talk to with an open mind and who will see things from my point of view and not just brush me off as "weird" or "misguided." I totally agree that seeking one out is an essential first step.

To everyone else that replied to my post, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm really starting from square one here and I'm often at a loss as to where to go from here. Your links to websites and advice is GREATLY appreciated and I will explore all the options that you provided. It was really a big step for me to join this crossdressers.com in the first place. I've lived in denial for so long and I can honestly say that in the short time I've been here, I know that it was the best decision I've ever made. The support here and the genuine compassion from the other posters is amazing. I feel so fortunate to be a part of it. I've lived a very confused life so far up to this point, but just being here lets me know that I'm not alone and I don't have to keep all my thoughts and feelings inside. You are all such a blessing to me. I don't know a better way to put it than that.

[GypsyKaren]

I feel that the main thing is this, do you have the courage to step out into the world as yourself? You've got to be able to take the good with the bad, whether you pass or not. Other than that, I think Mak gave some pretty good advice.

Karen