Have you dealt with this?

[AmberTG]

I had an appointment with my therapist today and we were talking about my gender issues, among other things. After we talked a bit, she said that I seem to put my thought process towards the physical aspects of transition and not towards the mental, emotional, and spiritual (self awareness) aspects of being a woman and that I need to explore these things in depth if I wish to be a "woman among women", if I wish to be accepted as a woman. I told her that I lack a frame of reference for that exploration, having never actually been one in the past. It's harder to understand something you've not experienced. I was raised as a boy and testosterone poisoned my brain, I really don't miss that now that I've suppressed it with spiro.
I can relate to other women in a conversation, but they're always guarded because they see me as another man, I'm not able to see past the door that they open to their woman friends.
My question for any who wish to answer is, how have you dealt with this subject in your transition, or have you dealt with it at all?
Amber

[cindianna_jones]

It's all too easy to focus on the most prominent differences. I suppose that's why many of us start out by dressing like women.... or what we perceive them to dress like.

And it's not just about being feminine either.

I wonder how long I would have delayed my transition had I known that I'd be spending most of my life in jeans... that which I could already wear with impunity.

Is is socializing with women? Perhaps. I find that I socialize well with women but I feel most comfortable with men friends.

So what is this elusive thing we adore in womanhood?

It is within you if you are transsexual. It is you. It is your basic raw personality stripped bear of the training you have received. It is your natural self.

Think about what being a woman is to you. Only you know that. Then tell your therapist that you are a woman. Before the skirts and shoes. Before the makeup. Before all the obvious physical differences you have had to bear, you are female. You are. You know this. And this was the answer for me.

[AmberTG]

Some very interesting thoughts so far, thanks for your observations. I wonder if any of the GGs here have any thoughts on this, from their point of view.
Amber Darlene

[Lisa Baby]

Hi Amber
You have raised a very good point. While I have not been a "woman" all of my life, I have spent the last twenty plus years trying to accept every person as a unique individual with their own positive and negitive traits, and trying to see where they are comeing from in their particular viewpoint.

I can play a great "devils advocate" on nearly any subject you would care to discuss. Transversally, I am also able to give support to a friend even if I do not agree with a subject. I alleays try to see where a person is comeing from so that I may see things that are not apparent to the comon observer.

As the old saying goes. . . "Try walking a mile in the other persons shoes."
This is something that we all will have to do before "they" allow us to take the final step in our transformations to become the people we should have been from the beginning of our lives.

Best of luck to you.
Lisa

[claireswife-gg]

Hmmm.

Okay, I'll give this a shot.

As a woman, I have always earned less than my male counterparts, despite having more experience.

I have been told that "women don't make good ....." "women can't be ......." - not things like "girls aren't supposed to play with GI Joe" - I'm talking things like "Girls can't be good police officers, no amount of training can make you equal."

I am expected to be WEAK. I am expected to be moody, to cry, to be sensitive, even though I'm not. I'm a firefighter, yet I am told not to lift a 5 gallon thing of water at work, "let a guy pick that up." And that last part from WOMEN.

I am expected to be the one to cook, to do dishes, to answer the phone. I am expected to be nurturing by nature, even when I don't want to be.

I have stood in front of a class full of 40-something ex-IBM programmers, all male, preparing my papers to give a weeklong class on developing software with Visual Basic, when one of my students said "When will the teacher get here and can we get some coffee in here?"

Claire felt threatened as a female for the first time a few weeks ago, as we had to walk by a couple of bikers leering at women. Male attention isn't always a nice thing.

Read "I know why the caged bird sings."

Listen to the song "I'm just a girl" by No Doubt.

Other than that... I dunno :D

[Shelly R]

Hello Amber, this is the first time we have had a chance to chat.
It is kind of obvious when you say that other women do not seem to accept you as a woman, you are probably holding back in your dealings with them so that they perceive that you are not comfortable in that situation. You have to believe in yourself and what you are, before GG's accept you at all. Frame of reference? They have been doing all their life what you have been doing mere months, it's learned response.
Physical issues aside, your therapist is right. Physical is only outside issues, you have to deal with your self awareness, the female you are, that is inside no ammount of outside changes will give you that. The emotional aspects of female behavior just are, sensitive and the rest of the emotional baggage that goes with it. ( to the rest of the GG's sorry for saying that) It is the mental issues that make or break. The therapist is right, to neglect the emotional issues is to make you not a whole woman. Remember that we are still governed by the "Benjamin Standards of Care" and it is all based on mental issues of GID, before the physical can even happen.
Accept yourself first, socially this is the first step, integation is the outcome.
Hope this helps!

[Stephenie S]

I am not sure if I want to get involved with the discussion about which must come first, the physical or the mental, BUT . . . your therapist is absolutely correct when he/she says that to be accepted as a woman you MUST learn to live with women. This is essential. You can look like a model or you can look like a dog (please forgive my imagery here), but if you do not learn how to interact with women, it just ain't gonna work. Women interact with each other in an entirely different manner than with a man. It's learned behavior, hon, and you must learn it if you want to be anything more than just a picture of a woman.

Stephenie

[MarieTS]

Wow, Stephanie. Very well put!

[EmmaB GG]

I suppose I can see where she's coming from as, to be honest clothes are clothes and it's the person behind that I guess a girl really looks at - after the clothes, obviously! And she does tend to be more discriminating about who she lets into her group - it's not just about shared interests, its a shared mindset. Don't assume clothes alone do it, as females can be a very wary bunch.

But having said that, when people ask "do you feel like a woman?", the best I can answer is "dunno, I just feel like me as I've no other experience than me" - but its my mix of emotions and reactions (including the strong tendancy to care & nurture, even though I don't want kids - work that one out!) that I guess makes me a female in the pack.

[AmberTG]

I appreciate the responses to the question, it definitely gives me things to think about in my transition. I especially appreciate the responses of the GGs here, I only have my own frame of reference to look back on so any insight from the GGs is very helpful.