No way out of becoming, myself?

[Maggie Kay]

I am at another of those points in the TG experience where I try to escape. Feeling the intense desire to progress in transition but deeply fearful of society and family reactions, I revert to once again thinking of ways out. I have been down this ugly path many times only to trudge back to TG with more mental scars. I'm not going to purge even though that is on my mind. I want more, not less. My situation is that I am still not in full acceptance of TG. I am jumping back and forth between male and female. I appear male for my family and society but female for me. I'm completely female in my mind but everyone else wants me to be male. This conflict is massive and I suspect that many here have it too. If I progress, I risk loss of so much. I keep praying for Option C. I know therapy might help but that option is not available for me. Does anyone ever stabilize in this? Does everyone do the ditch to ditch thing until SRS? What about those who can never get SRS? Is there any peace for those? ARGGHHH!

[Marcie Sexton]

Not sound trivial, but I too deal with the simular pain...I want badly to experience the feeling of being total woman, but there are so many things that have stopped me...
My dedication to family, work, acceptance in general, and finally my lack of self acceptance of my situation...Now at 52 I consider myself much to old to enjoy what is left of my life to endure the pain and recovery of such an undertaking...
I have long ago accepted what is unchangable and went on...

My advice to you is take that step forward...acceptance will come, time heals all...don't wait until you're middle aged to come to the realization you are and need to be a woman, both in heart, mind , body, and soul...

Knowing then what I know now, I would in deed be Marcie in heart mind, soul, and BODY...

Good luck in your travels as they relate to your acceptance in your personal life...My addage in life about 25 years late is...If I can live with me, the rest of the world will have to, too...

Good luck and god bless

[AmberTG]

I go through periods where I'm very ambivilent about transition, I don't want to purge or anything like that, but I have days where I just don't want to mess with all the "stuff" of being percieved as female, not that I could at this point anyway, without the usual "additions" to physical appearance. Sometimes I just live in the middle, neither male nor female. I can be comfortable there. But, as I told my therapist, I never forget to take my HRT for the day, no matter how I'm feeling.

[Teresa Amina]

Now at 52 I consider myself much to old to enjoy what is left of my life to endure the pain and recovery of such an undertaking...

:eek: Oh Gawd! I've only got a year then and I'll be too old???? :D
When I found CD.com last year I shook like a leaf- how can I hide from Me now? I wondered. There were all these people actually doing it- transitioning! I never saw that word till then, now it haunts me. It is possible.
Now I see I'll be too old soon, yet somehow I don't think I can really hide behind that anymore than all those other "reasons". I've already read of people in their 60s going ahead with it :eek:
Doomed to be Me :( :happy:

[Felix]

Hi Kay I feel for you so much Hun :hugs: :hugs: I can relate to what ya sayin about family I present as male but because they don't know and I'm talking about Yachica's family mainly cos mine will never know cos they live like 3hrs from me. They don't know in so many ways like I haven't said can ya call me Felix cos I prefer it to c****. So I look like a guy but get called c****. Oh I know I should just come out with it but how? My step son accepts that I like my nick name best and calls me Felix a lot which is nice. I don't feel I am flipping from female to male in my dress cos I dress male 24/7 and in my mind I feel very much male. The problem is my name ouch!!! It's a pain but in many ways only I can resolve it. The question is will I ever be able to while my Mum and Dad are alive? Dunno, Probably not so left with all the same frustration like your self :sad: Hope this is ok Hun xx Felix :hugs:

[Maggie Kay]

I have decided that this time, I'll pass on the beatings and take the next train.... Weird as my life is, it is my life and I earned it. I'll keep becoming who I have to be even if I don't know who that is. As the saying goes, "If you believe in yourself, everything will work out fine". It is certainly different than the Christian view of self I learned in church which is that I am a sinner, evil by nature and not to be trusted. To coin a phrase from Paul Simon, "When I think back to all the crap I learned in church, it is a wonder I can think at all" Sorry to offend anyone, I am devout but have learned what true faith is.

[kerrianna]

:hugs: Good for you Kay. Sometimes we get so fixated on the destination that we forget we are always on a journey. It's not always so much as to where we end up but how we treat ourselves and the world as we travel there. I hope each day brings you closer to your true self in a happy and positive way, and that you are able to share that with the world. :hugs: :love:

[michelleupnorth]

Oh my you took the words right out of my mouth. Yes I feel the same way you do and it's gotten to the point where if I don't do it now I never will. I still have only come out to a very select few and when I finally do come out in full I'll be moving away from here. A huge step but I think that for my sanity it will be the best thing for me. My parents still don't know and I think I'll keep it that way until after I've had FFS and just about everything else done.

[loriannetucson]

It's interesting how you talk about the pain and desires until GRS, however, only being on hormones for nearly two months, I already maintain a sense of peace and congruency to a degree. Do I wish and want GRS? Absolutely, but I'm not even sure it will ever be possible and stay married at the same time. ONly time will tell. All I know is that I'm finally DEALING with it. I'm in the process. I'm transitioning. If I die transitioning, then at least I'll have begun the first few steps. You do have to carefully plan how you will come out to your friends and family. But there has been a huge weight lifted now that I'm dealing with this, despite the common transgender struggles we all face during transition.

Hope your steps lead you in the right direction, whatever that may be.
Lori

[Maggie Kay]

I have been on hormones for about five years and have a feminized body. They are a wonderful help to keep me calm but the conflicts do still surface. Many times when I read anti-TG news or have a need to progress further, I go into a period of questioning again. My main issue is that I want to please everyone even at the expense of myself. This is a character "flaw" in me that has caused a lot of problems for me and those around me. My wife often says to me that she could get better at accepting TG in me if I did.

[Felix]

Hi Kay I know about that character flaw cos think I have it too and I know mt old self has fully resurfaced cos I do that exact samr thing keep others happy at my expense. I feel for you Hun :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: xx Felix

[Scotty]

Kay you are not alone.

I could never fully transition, so I accept myself as being a woman living in a mans life. I'm not happy about it but I accept it.

When I come home and close the door I am back en-femme mode and I too have been on hormones, although now only 1mg as a maintenance..

I enjoy having the femme body and I'm sure with all the surgery features I could pass but then there's the family issue.

For me it would be an end to anyone I knew and life all over, starting over with the memory of those I would lose.

FOr me it's not worth it, but I'm also not married so your burden must be a lot heavier.

I j ust look in the mirror and accept that I have a feminized body and I enjoy that much at least.

I feel your pain, I truly do!

[jenna19]

You've put into words exactly how I am feeling. I'm been so conflicted for so many years. I want to be true to myself, but I'm just so damn scared. How does anyone ever move forward? One thing that I realized I was doing awhile back, I look way too far into the future and picture all the hundreds of things that I'll have to change and do to be accepted. Instead of just putting one foot in front of the other and changing one thing at a time, I'm imagining all the hurdles in my way and just losing hope before even starting. I need to do this one day at a time.

[AmberTG]

Teresa, it looks like we'll both be too old soon, I turn 52 this August. Guess I'll have to hurry up!:D
I've been told, and I believe, that age is a state of mind. How old you are really doesn't have much to do with transition, many TGs finally come to this decision at this point in life, it's a common age to start transition. The issue is not with age, it's with all the baggage you must leave behind during your journey.
A beginning is a delicate time, it also means an ending. You must be willing to accept the consequences of your decision.
I have 2 grown children and 1 grandson. I hope my kids will accept, or at least tolorate me as I continue this journey. I'll miss them if they turn their backs on me, but it won't stop me because I need to fix me, for my own sanity. My marriage will be officially done in May, for reasons not directly related to my TG issues, but in a way, directly related. She needs a man who can satisfy her immense need for sex and attention, I have not been able to do that for several years, (way before I made the decision to transition) so she found someone else who could satisfy those needs. This has been going on for several years now, I think she finally found a "keeper". (the 3rd try at another man) I'm sure you don't want to hear the whole story about that, so I won't bore the readers of this "rant".
Anyway, transition involves some serious decisions, some of which are life-changing, as we all know. For each of you contemplating this journey, only you can know if these changes are worth it to you, only you can know how much baggage you're willing to leave behind in order to transition. If you are having trouble with your personal decision in these things, I completely understand, this may be the toughest thing you will ever have to do in your life, if you choose not to for your own personal reasons, like Marcie Sexton, I can relate to that also, some people are just not willing to give up everything to do this, and I can't blame them. In the end, it's a very personal decision.
Amber Darlene

[Shelly R]

WOW! That is "THE" biggest decision as a Transgendered individual we have to make at the begining of our own personal journey. How much loss can we afford, and tolerate in our lives. What will we leave behind in the effort to be ourselves. That is truly a personal decision. We are constantly being pulled apart to live up to family and friends expectations of traditional gener rolls which puts pressure on us not to transition, and not to realise our own personal needs. Many of us have been able to balance the two genders effectively and live a good life, others are not able to accept the male role or sexuality in their lives and thus start Transition. Not the easiest of decisions.
It took me a long time to make that decision for myself, and I did loose everything, and everyone. I am far happier now than I ever would have been, and the loss to me has been acceptable, considering my own end was in sight. Eventually we all have to make the decision for our own happiness.

For the others who think they are too old to Transition and have SRS/GRS, there is no end age in which this is all over, or too late. Many women do have SRS after the big 50, it's not over yet, only if you think it is.
To be honest I like all women have lied about my true age, I am 51 born in 1955, no one really knows how old I am. If I had the money SRS would have been yesterday, that rich I will never be, and I may never have SRS, but I am happy knowing that I can live my life as a woman, as I was ment to be.

[Super Amanda]

I too have had nearly your same feelings, Until today I considered myself a CD, But I realize I'm fooling myself and I feel like If I don't transition soon, I'm not gonna be able to at all. All of the years of resistance has twisted me into a bitter, hateful person. But when Amanda comes back that stuff dissolves. Ive never liked myself or had any self esteem until Amanda came into existence. I think about being Her almost nonstop and my job, and relationships suffer for it. My ex wife fell out of love with me because I stopped focusing on her for Amanda. In a way I cheated on her (not to mention used up her products!). I have lost much , but at least my older brother and his family know, as my ex outed me to them. He said he doesn't care what I do, and they already knew that I was a CDer anyway after a couple of gender bending halloweens. I'm pretty sure the rest of my family will accept me as well. I hope.

[LoriFlores]

Kay you are not alone.

I could never fully transition, so I accept myself as being a woman living in a mans life. I'm not happy about it but I accept it.

I too am in the same position.

[Natasha Anne]

I am at another of those points in the TG experience where I try to escape. Feeling the intense desire to progress in transition but deeply fearful of society and family reactions, I revert to once again thinking of ways out. I have been down this ugly path many times only to trudge back to TG with more mental scars. I'm not going to purge even though that is on my mind. I want more, not less. My situation is that I am still not in full acceptance of TG. I am jumping back and forth between male and female. I appear male for my family and society but female for me. I'm completely female in my mind but everyone else wants me to be male. This conflict is massive and I suspect that many here have it too. If I progress, I risk loss of so much. I keep praying for Option C. I know therapy might help but that option is not available for me. Does anyone ever stabilize in this? Does everyone do the ditch to ditch thing until SRS? What about those who can never get SRS? Is there any peace for those? ARGGHHH!

This all sounds like deja vu for me. It's basically what I experienced too.

All I can say was that at some point in early 2005 I hit a defining moment in my life where transition was all I was able to do. I think there are a few that hit a similar point and decide not to, but for me the choices were no longer choices. I just had to and that was it.

I hope you find that moment, which ever way it works out. You'll find a lot of peace in it.

[MarieTS]

Many of the comments on this thread make it obvious why so many of the TS' with financial means means go "stealth" and start a new life. The problems I've read about in here regarding relationships and job complications seem to make it difficult to hold onto one's previous life all while attemting to develop a new one. It seems as though that can cause more problems than starting anew unless the individual has a real strong and understanding support structure, which unfortunately seems to be lacking for many desiring SRS.

[Natasha Anne]

You're quite right of course. I've lost so much of my previous life and it does hurt.

I do need to temper that with a thought though. I still find having transitioned to far outweight the negatives I've experienced. Feeling like a whole person is just wonderful. I suppose if you really wanted a litmus test to see if you should proceed or not, then that would be it. Would you be happier transitioning vs. holding on to your current life. In my case it was the former.

As for people of financial means going stealth. I'm sure they incur losses in that too. It does simplify things, as I've experienced in my overseas travels where people do not know my past, but you're also far away from everything you know. In essence you're still giving up your previous life.


Many of the comments on this thread make it obvious why so many of the TS' with financial means means go "stealth" and start a new life. The problems I've read about in here regarding relationships and job complications seem to make it difficult to hold onto one's previous life all while attemting to develop a new one. It seems as though that can cause more problems than starting anew unless the individual has a real strong and understanding support structure, which unfortunately seems to be lacking for many desiring SRS.