I think Im not CDer anymore

[Super Amanda]

I hope this is the right place to put this, and sorry for the last thread mods....I guess maybe Ive been fooling myself, but I dont think I'm a CDer. This has been on my mind at work all day. Ever since I had my first opportunity, I tried to fully dress. Ive noticed for many, a bra or pantyhose was all they needed for many years. I have no interest in going in public partially dressed or anything like that. So this is the longest Ive maintained a fully shaved and 'brow tweezed look for more than a few days. Its been two months now, and only my rude ex has said that I don't look "right", but what is right these days? And like I told her, I understand that everyone can see that they are a bit more fem that most guys will dare to go, but I don' really care what people think anymore. I just want to be happy, and if shaving my legs and tweezing my brows are what do it for me, who the hell has the right to say I cant do that? Ive been doing time in my on mind for long enough. Ive been worrying about what other people think for too long. Other people? They don't matter in every other choice I make, why should those others have a say on my happiness of all things, the REAL reason for life. Money may make the world go round, but without happiness what good is all the money in the world? Sorry for the rant, but I'm really starting to understand myself and its liberating.

What I'm getting at is I want to get my beard removed soon, and this would technically be the first step in transitioning for me. So if I want to be Amanda 90 percent of the time, I'm not a crossdresser. I want people to see as a woman while dressed. I guess I'm TG? I have my 3 year old son all alone, so he needs his dad. Can I still do right by him? I know that while I suppress Amanda, all of my male life relationships suffer, and when Amanda is around more, I'm a better person all around.
Am I still young enough to take advantage of hormones? But will that kill off my guy side? Im not gay, and only want sexual relationships with women. I really do like to go shooting and play Xbox360, and such, I don't want to lose that either.

Thanks in advance for any insight.

[kerrianna]

Hi Amanda all I can offer as advice is go slow because this is obviously an opening up for you and it can be a lot at once. And obviously being a parent to a 3 yr old becomes a big lynchpin in where you go from here. My advice would be if you haven't done so yet, see if you can find a therapist/counsellor who specializes in gender issues. Transitioning is a long hard road for most people, and some decide to stop at different points along the road depending on their own circumstances. Try to find out what your options are, what the repercussions of different steps are, and embark with your eyes wide open. You're at a decent age to transition, you have a lot of life ahead of you. Life itself, never mind transitioning, can get more complicated and difficult as you get older. But do make measured, careful steps, as most of it there is no going back. You may find that there is indeed a happy middle ground where you can satisfy both sides of you. Only you will know when you have reached that.

Good luck...I wish I could follow the same path, but definitely not right now in my life. I'm also leery of messing with my body too much, so I'm trying to find different ways of being who I long to be.
:hugs: :love:

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Amanda

You have a lot going on right now. There are somes erious decisions to be made as you have to consider your son and any effect you decision will have.
You may find you want to live as a female without transitioning.
Hormones are a serious step and I would not think about them until you speak with a therapist

It could be telling him may be best thing, but first you have to know what you want. Can you live as Amanda and then change back for that 10 % of the time.

You may decide Amanda is a better person for him to be around


As for the hobbies you can do them as male or female

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Amanda

Take it slow, you've got the rest of your life ahead of you. Why don't you try going out dressed a few times to see how you feel about it?

I hate to give advice about your son, so I'll just point out that he's still very young, so maybe now wouldn't be such a bad time to go for it. As far as hormones go, I'm 54 (yikes!), and they work just fine on me.

Karen

[Super Amanda]

I guess I should have mentioned I've been venturing out in public since Ive been 18, so I know what its like to be read, it burns, but with practice and observation Ive passed, and failed! I would always tell myself if I'm outed in public I wont do it again, but I swear no one had ever said a word, so I told myself I must be passing. Funny thing is I know I look better now, as I'm much slimmer and have better clothes and make up, but I'm more scared to go out for some reason.I'm no fool, I know I can never pass to all the people all the time, but I can blend, and thats what I want. As for my son, I'm thinking that an open mind will be a good thing for him to grow up with, and I also want him to not be afraid to be his self like I've been my whole miserable life.
Forgive me, I've just got alot to say right now...

[CaptLex]

Forgive me, I've just got alot to say right now...
No apologies necessary - this is the right place to get it all out. I hope you can find a good gender therapist to help you sort through all this stuff. :hugs:

[Sharon]

You need to slow down and take a deep breath. Okay? :happy:

You are still young(gads, I was still in deep denial at your age!), so there is no hurry to make a life-altering decision at this moment. Think long and hard about what you want, what you feel, and what you expect from the remainder of your life. And then think about it a couple more times.

You say that you have only been going strong at this feminization for two months. Sweetie, that's nothing! Take the advice of the others and seek the counsel of an accredited gender therapist and then be very, very honest and open with him or her. I suggest you do a search on gender therapists and see who may be close to your location.

It is so easy to read the threads in this forum and identify with others who say they are this or that and, thus, so you must also be what they are. Remember, many of us only write about specifics and not about the whole TS experience. Gads, we could all easily write books about what has occurred in our pasts to get us to where we are -- some good, some bad, and a whole lot of confusing crap that we can't decide where it falls on the meter.

Good luck to you and if you ever want a little more help, or just an ear, don't hesitate to contact me.

[Shelly R]

This is a place where "sorry" is hardly necessary, and a good place to ask questions.
Yes, a good Gender Therapist is something you should seek out, to help answer your questions about your life, and where you are going with it. The Therapist might be able to help guide you with your son (big responsability). Your therapist should be your first step in this journey.
You have plenty of time in your life, and you need not be in a rush.

[Billijo49504]

Not trying to be a smart allack, but I agree, you do need some counsiling of some sort. Something to sort out your thoughts and life. I wish you well. And hope you find peace somewhere in your life....BJ

[AmberTG]

My thought is that if you decide to have permanent facial hair removal like I'm doing, but you don't want to fully transition, then you just won't have to shave any more when it's done.:D
You have to understand that if you have electrolysis, you'll lose the beard shadow when you lose the beard, it's been said that this change by itself can significantly feminize your face, add plucked eyebrows to the mix and you may look more female than you expect. For me this is a good thing, you have to decide if it's good for you. If you have strong male facial features, electrolysis won't affect them at all, you'd still need FFS to look the part. If your face is more androgenous, a lot of men are, then it will make a bigger difference. If that's you in your avatar picture, then you already have a pretty good head start on a female face.

[Stlalice]

I'll simply echo the advice of others here. A good therapist that specializes in gender issues is probably your best and smartest first step. How to find one? One way would be to call the local PFLAG chapter - they also deal with trans folk and their families. Another would be to call the closest MCC church to you. They often have resource and professional listings that may be of use to you. Try going to www.mccchurch.org and looking at the find a church and transgender links. Last, if there is a Gay Pride organization in your area get a copy of the local "Pride Pages" telephone book. It is an excellent resource for finding all manner of local professionals and businesses that will be of use to you. Good luck and hang in there. :thumbsup:

[loriannetucson]

Amanda,
You absolutely posted this in the right place! I was in the exact same position as you were for years, and now I'm moving forward. I agree with you that dealing with your real inner self is liberating. However, being transgendered and deciding to transition is not for "sissies or wusses," which is the way a post op mtf friend put it to me earlier this week. She's absolutely right.

I would love to see you at the local SAGA support group meeting here in Tucson. The next meeting is this Monday (and it's for biological men who have identified as CD, CD/TS, TS, or anything in between). I've been going for three months now and it's been very rewarding. I finally got enough braver to go dressed up as Lori this past week, and I was accepted fully by all the other transgendered people around.

As for therapy, I heartily agree with the other people who posted here that you should indeed seek a therapist. I can give you my therapist's name. She is very sensitive and has worked with TG's in the past. She has a full schedule but will let you in if I tell her about you or if you tell her your TG. She takes most insurance. Above all, I have really been better able to understand my core identity as a truly transgendered. And she was delighted to give me my letter for hormones from an endocrinologist. (I can refer you to a good endo in Tucson as well.)

Bottom line is you do need to consider everything. Knowing and understanding who I am at my most inner being has been soooo very liberating. At the same time, I am going through some of the most difficult times in my life because I am indeed married with children, and my wife is trying her heart out to understand me and cope with all of this. Oh, your son at 3 years old will love you either way. I promised my therapist I would ALWAYS be there for my children, no matter what direction I take.

As always, I am willing to help you with all of this, especially by meeting at the support group, or even the therapist. Just try and not to do this alone. I know you've felt like I have all my life, that I was bound by fate to live through this alone and without any help. I no longer feel alone, and there is indeed strength in numbers.... just look at all the posts of support through this one thread in ONE day!

We're here for you, girl. Hang on tight
Lori Anne

[MarieTS]

Dear Amanda: There is a wealth of sage advice in the postings to your thread. You'd be well served to review them again and again. The title of your thread reminded me of a joke I came across in the forum a couple of years ago. I didn't like the joke. I found it overly simplistic, ignorant, and cruel. However, after stewing over it for some time I was able to find some wisdom in it. Let me repeat it here for you...

A junior psychiatrist in training asked a more senior psychiatrist what the difference was between a transvestite and a transexual.
The mentor puffed on his pipe while considering the question and calmy responded, "about three years."

Now, as I mentioned earlier I thought that was a bad joke. But there may be a shred of wisdom imbedded in there. Specifically, it is easy to become so caught up in the whole dressing experience that before you realize it you naturally push full speed ahead into the transformation process -- even before you know if that is the right approach for you as an individual. Sort of the slippery slope analogy.

Heed Sharon's advice about "slowing down." If you have not actually believed and felt you really are female for a good part of your life, you really do owe it to yourself and your family to discover who you really are, and if you should take the steps needed to become a full-time woman. As previously suggested to you by some of the other posts, the gender therapist can be very helpful in this regard. Avail yourself to this resource, be honest throughout the entire couselling process and see where it leads you. And above all remember one thing, there are no right or wrong answers. You are what you are, and the cousellor's job is merely to help you understand and accept that, not merely to be a conduit for hormones and eventual SRS.

I know I speak for the entire community when I say we all wish you well. And keep sharing your feelings. That's an important part of the experience to self discovery.

[rachel_rachel]

Would i be right in saying this.... As i've heard about it but never done it.

Try living as a female 24 / 7 for 2 weeks then see if it's what you want.
Or go longer if you have to.. maybe a month.

I know i could never do it myself, but i've read about doing things like that, so maybe it works, maybe it doesn't.

[Natasha Anne]

I can only concur with others here. Take things slowly. Take them as they come.

Don't rush or force anything upon yourself. Sometimes forcing a test upon yourself can have irreversable consequences.

Perhaps you could start seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist to help you work through the issues at hand. Look for one that doesn't try to steer your thinking, but rather helps you to understand your own.

Transition is a difficult road and not one you want to proceed down prematurely. In my case I knew what I was, but hoped like made CD'ing would be enough. As I steadily incorporated more and more feminine things into my life I eventually got to a point where pretending to be male was just pointless and frustrating. That's when I started seeing a psychiatrist and went on hormones. I knew with 100% certainty I had to transition before I "officially" embarked on the process with a psychiatrist.

As time goes by things will probably get clearer for you. You will eventually know if it's a part of you that you just need to express or whether it's something you need to be all the time. Part of that might be influenced by your child's needs and possible behaviour from your ex. Please don't rush things along, let life happen and see how it goes. Not only will it better prepare you for a potential transition, but it will also prepare those around you. In my case a slow transformation, in much they way you've described, made it a no-brainer for people when I did eventually let everyone know I was to transition.

[claireswife-gg]

I'll add my vote to this as well.

Get a gender specialized therapist.

You have a lot of things to work out. If you decide you want hormones, you will need to be under the care of a gender therapist anyway. PM me if you need help finding one.

Good luck!

[loriannetucson]

Yes, my therapist absolutely did not push me at all into deciding wheth eror not hormones were for me. She has simply allowed me to fully realize who I am... and who I am NOT.

And what Claire's Wife said, you will need to be under the care of a therapist anyway if you want hormones, this is true unless you "DoItYourself." However, if you read any website dealing with the risks involved associated with hormone replacement therapy, you'll soon realize you need to be under a doctor's care and have frequent blood tests done. This will in the long run be cheaper than buying hormones from overseas sources, and you will be able to get your refill at almost any pharmacy (Yay, Walgreens!). Oh yeah, the blood test will also determine just what the right dosage of estrogen and androgen blocking meds are enough. And this not to mention you'll be able to get a testosterone and estrogen level count so you can know when your body has hormonal levels equaling that of a genetic female.

Take care,
Lori Anne

[Super Amanda]

Its not like I'm gonna start tomorrow or anything, I need to come out to all my loved ones as a first step. I just don't want to waste anymore of my life.

[loriannetucson]

I know how you feel, sweetie, you taking your time and planning this is great news!
(Oh, and you have to show me how you do your eyebrows so wonderfully :)) My wife thinks mine are too girly, but I love 'em!

[AmberTG]

"My wife thinks mine are too girly, but I love 'em!"
Hmmmm, isn't that the whole point?:heehee:

I can only say that my therapist has helped me in many ways, not just with my gender issues, but that's another story. Having a gender specialist to talk to is very helpful for sorting all this stuff out.
There are some things that you can do for your appearance that don't involve hormones, such as eyebrow plucking and electrolysis, that won't effect your ability to present as male when you need to. Also, if you're starting to lose your hair in the typical manner, you can get a prescription for Propecia from your family doctor to stop that. Those are the easy things to do.
Hang in there, you'll get it figured out eventually.
Amber Darlene

[Tamera]

One advantage you have is your age. Many of us wish we would have changed things earlier in life instead of waiting.

Two, it seems you don't want to transition fully. You still want to go from fem mode to male mode so it seems that any permanent transitioning isn't what you want. But there are things to do to satisfy both sides such as electrolysis.

Three, is your concerns for your son. Should you tell him or not, that is a personal decision.

Also because of your desire for females instead of males you don't want to transition fully. But I would stay single, it will make it easier going back and forth. So many of us have relationships that is hard, sure some have SO's that are accepting but the percentage rate is not high.

As for going out in public. The more you go out and observe how GG's act, walk, interact, clothing, makeup, etc. The more you will fit in.

LOL
Tamera

[CaptLex]

Also because of your desire for females instead of males you don't want to transition fully.
Huh . . . why's that? :idontknow:

[melissaK]

a few stray comment . . .

if male pattern baldness runs in your family don't count on rogaine or propeecia to work. The success rate is low . . . Remember Merck/Pfizer/etc are always looking for folks with 'a fistful of dollars.'

And for 'a few dollars more' find the therapist and work on yourself. Lord knows all humans could stand to work on some aspect of themself, and when you start taking on the issues we bandy about on these boards its easy to lose your way and become confused, depressed, etc.

And I recommend reading. Do your homework. PLENTY of folks have been down the road ahead of us and there's a LOT of information out there from 'the good, the bad, and the ugly' . . .

Hugs,
'lissa

[claireswife-gg]

Looking back at your original post, I have a couple of things to add.

So if I want to be Amanda 90 percent of the time, I'm not a crossdresser. I want people to see as a woman while dressed. I guess I'm TG? I have my 3 year old son all alone, so he needs his dad. Can I still do right by him? I know that while I suppress Amanda, all of my male life relationships suffer, and when Amanda is around more, I'm a better person all around.

90% of the time? If you plan on living full time, why wouldn't you want to be Amanda 100% of the time? Your son just needs a loving parent. But, he needs a parent that knows where his or her head is. You need to understand the realities of transition. Transition is HARSH and there are a lot of things to consider. Get thee to a therapist before you mess with your kid's head and your family's head.

Am I still young enough to take advantage of hormones? But will that kill off my guy side? Im not gay, and only want sexual relationships with women. I really do like to go shooting and play Xbox360, and such, I don't want to lose that either.

Umm, I'm a GG, a volunteer firefighter and a gamer. I own a .40 caliber and Claire still lusts for a Barrett sniper rifle, even on hormones. I identify as lesbian now that Claire is transitioning, and so does she.

My big concern is that before you go off announcing to friends and family that you are going to transition, I really think you need to stop, get really introspective, and talk to a gender therapist. You'll have enough custody fights as is without having your head straight and following the protocol.

I am an ardent supporter of a spouse in transition, but this isn't a game. I know you're serious and such, but you're rushing into this without really knowing what you're doing.

Good luck hon. :hugs:

[Super Amanda]

Thanks for all the advice, Im definitely taking a big step back... I just want to let my family know what im sure they have already partially figured out. Im doing lots of reading and looking into local therapy. All I want first of all is to stop hiding from those who I love.

[Siobhan Marie]

I know you're serious and such, but you're rushing into this without really knowing what you're doing.

Hi Amanda, I can only agree with Claires Wife on this one as she is so right and above all slow down and take your time to do things the right way.

huge :hugs: and *cuddles*

Anna Marie x