Didn't have a clue who I was

[Maggie Kay]

Whether I am a man or woman is the big issue. One thing that occurs to me is that we define what is male and female largely externally. We tell a child which is which. They are just being themselves, living and learning about life. I remember being told I was a boy and that there were other people called girls. Yet, my life was filled with female trappings, since my mother was single and she and I were alone.
I have looked back at my life trying to see indicators of gender confusion. Some say that they always knew they were the opposite gender but for me, I didn't know what my gender was! I had and really have no clue as to how to be a male. I have taken male values and behaviors from watching television shows of the 1950's and 1960's as a child. I was a blank slate and conformed myself to maleness because I was told to do so. However, my entire life has been spent living exclusively with women. I relate and understand women's issues. I don't have a frame of reference to say that I am anything but a female. For me, it is almost as if males are some rare species only seen on nature shows on TV. The conclusion seems to be that I have always known what I was, but did not know what to call it. Now I do. Woman.

[Felix]

Hi Kay my heart goes out to you, thank you for sharing this with us :hugs: :hugs: xx Felix

[Maggie Kay]

Thanks Felix,
I didn't really think that I had it bad or tough, as it was all I knew. If it weren't for the social condemnation, I'd be fine with me and live accordingly. I'm not down about it now, either, I just realized that I needed to deal with the "who am I" question differently than some here who knew that they were the other gender from the start. It is a matter of definition.

[Shelly R]

Hello Kay, I really do feel for you, and what you are going through. Dealing with the "who I am?" question is different for all of us. It's what defines us and makes us what we are. Trite but true. This is all part of the journey to self acceptance, knowing who and what you are. Sometimes it can take a long time to have that realization in life, and learning to define and express that difference. How to deal with the difference, and the road to self acceptance is the next step. These are all just small steps down a larger road.

Not all of us who knew we were the "other gender" knew what to do with it. For me it was never that decisive an issue. Yes, I knew something was wrong with me and I was different, horrably different. I could not get with the natal gender thing, it did not seem right no matter what I did, so I conformed as best as I could. There was no labels or definitions for what I was, no understanding or anything else. Even my parents went to Psychologist about me and the only answer at the time was this was only a phase and that I would grow out of it. Today we have a lot of labels to help define ourselves, give us meaning, and a place to start. "Back in the day" Gay was an emotion, not a sexual inclination, so there was not even a place for me or even a definition.

Have you tried contacting any of the LGBT centers or Trans specific groups about local meetings? This would be a good place to start, as they are usually descreet, in the case of LGBT centers this is no big deal, and would get you to meet with other people similar to you. Depending on the group, they can be a great source of information for Doctors, and Therapists in your local area if you would need that type of thing.

Wish you luck, and take care!

[Maggie Kay]

Shelly,
Thanks for the kind words. I have looked into the local help situation and sadly it is lacking. I'm pretty far along anyway as it is being on hormone therapy for five years. My post is like revisiting Kindergarden hoping for a simpler time. I face progression to the next level and am frightened about it. The stories one reads about what can happen, make me fearful. I'm a person that is acutely sensitive to what others think of me so having a "condition" that some see as shameful really makes me "turn on a spit" . After all I want to be a good girl, I mean boy... oh crap... whatever...

[Shelly R]

Hey Kay! Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. Yesterday was my day to see the doctor (hormones and mental health) also spent another two hours with another therapist discussing my despondancy over SRS (never being able to afford it) and suicide :eek: . I feel better now that I have said something to them.

I'm going to slap you, but not hard. You say that you have been on hormones for 5 years, and wonder about the boy thing? You have already made the decision to say that you are a woman, and start down that path. The boy thing should have been long gone before that! Whatever does not cut it. You really do not need that type of indicision in your life, not at this point. End of slap.

You are going to "face progression to the next level"? What is the next step for you? I do not know what the next step for you is, I need you to tell me, Though I could guess. Not everything works out for the best all the time, and it would not be fair to just post only the good things, there is the bad side too, of which we all must be aware. I use to worry about what people thought of me also. Your "condition" is so far from shameful these days, this is all about you and how you feel about yourself in the long run. After a while you come to realise that mostly people accept or don't notice, the few that make it rough are not a whole lot to worry about, they are not a part of your life after all. I can not say you will have an easy time of all this, sometimes we fall down, we just get up and get on with our life.

If you wish to talk to me PM me any time! :hugs:

Happy trails!

My hard drive is crashing, new one tomorrow, just so you know.

[Danielle_oc_ca]

I never had a stong grip on the male gender. While I work in a male dominated profession and have a natural knack for technology it stops there. Besides I have a female engineer working with me anyway.

I like to shop and I loathe sports. I like to have loads of clothing choices and I am a real nurturing soul. Right from as far back as I can remember.

Danielle

[Maggie Kay]

My next step is to openly admit that I am a woman to my family and ask they begin referring me as female. I'd stop being ambiguous in public and go by my female name. I have had a female role in the family most of the time anyway being a stay at home caregiver. However, I do work in a male dominated field and cannot let them know who I am. They need my work and I need the money to live. If I make my gender and issue, they will lose and so will my family.

The local therapy options are very limited but my situation is complex and I cannot look there at the moment. I did a few years back but didn't click with the local therapist. I don't want to say who as some people here may find him a great help and I don't want to dissuade them.

[kerrianna]

Hi Kay, I never read this thread before (there are just SO MANY threads here!) so I might not have started my Rediscovery thread (I'm glad I did tho) if I had seen your situation. You're definitely not alone here. :hugs:

Good luck with telling your family. I hope it all goes well. I'm getting to that point myself I think. In my case I need to make sure Carol is okay with it, because we do share lives. But I really want my mom to know...and once I've told her I might as well have told the world. :rolleyes: :heehee:

It would be useful if you could find a therapist that you clicked with I think. But you seem pretty in tune, so good luck and keep us posted on your progress. :hugs:

[Shelly R]

Hey Kay!
You are a stay at home MOM too? So am I, too cool! I am a caregiver for the elder community, stay at home too. 24/7 what a life. Let me know what you do?
Don't jeopardize your family and your job, unless you are sure this is what you want to do, sounds like the losses would be far too great at the moment. Take this in small steps, come out to your family if that is what you have to do, you know them best. You can do this with out comming out on your job just yet. Give yourself time to get the feel of what you want to be first. Some of us divide our time between our jobs and our own personal reality, and live a good life with the division. No shame in this at all. Just keep your personal life seperate from your work life. You can be what you are on your own time, and in public if you wish, all the better! It can be your out, if you want it. :hugs: