some thoughts from a GG....

[Carin's Wife GG]

I am Louise, SO to Carin also a poster and member here. We have been married for 24 years and I only figured out about the CDing 12 years ago. I surely felt betrayed both then and many times since. There was the *Pink Haze* phase which was Carin as a teenager Looking back very amusing, at the time very irritating. For many years I was angry and confused. I asked myself so often who the heck am I married to anyway?

It seems to me from reading the boards and my own experience that CDing takes a predictable course. There is the beginning with promises made and broken about just how far this will go (No of course I will never wear a dress, only undergarments. Of course I will never want to go out in public!)). There is the aforementioned *Pink Haze* when the SO realizes this might be more than just a passing phase. The dressing, the need to appear womanly increases as time moves along. I don't think the majority of CDers do this to irritate or hurt us SOs. I think they are learning too as they move through this process Sometimes that process by it's very nature seems very self centered and exclusionary which only goes to confirm the SOs often unspoken fear of other secrets and such. Shaving, earpiercing, makeup, letting hair grow longer, polished nails and toenails, all bartered, all stressful.

Carin and I bargained many times over the years. Almost always I was left feeing let down and somehow lied to. I say this not to place blame on Carin but at the time it was my reality.

In 2006 I struggled with severe depression and Carin's CDing was but one part of that depression. We worked together for many months seemingly getting nowhere. Then, I honestly had an awakening (I am NOT a religious person by any stretch, lol) I realized that none of her was truly under my control. I made a conscious decision to completely embrace my husband/wife, both male and female and let the chips fall where they would fall. You cannot imagine the burden this allowed to be lifted from me! Carin was very happy too, lol. Interestingly, her need to dress became less compulsive and more relaxed because she knew there was always a time and place for her to do so. I was more relaxed because I was not giving permission and monitoring her dressing and/or behaviour. I could feel the trust building between us again. What a wonderful feeling that was.

Of course we do have some concerns about privacy and how much our children know. Two of our daughters do know and I trust Carin to decide when the time will be right to tell our other children.

We are, as you may know, planning a wedding ceremony for Carin and Louise in Las Vegas in June. I am very excited and so I think is Carin. We take our commitment to our complete selves very seriously. As my husband, Carin has always accepted and supported me in all of my endeavours. I can do no less for her.

We have an appointment to have a fitting for her (gorgeous) dress this Wenesday. We are both excited and not at all nervous (at least I am not nervous, lol). The plans for La Vegas havebeen finalized and money paid. It will be the wedding of a lifetime for both of us.

Comments of course are welcome! I look forward to reading your responses and hope to find discussion, maybe even debate, as to how the husbands/wives manage this challenge as it evolves.

Fondly,

Louise.:love: :love: :love: :love: :love:

[AllieSF]

Louise,

Since I am single and new to cross dressing, there is not much yet for me to contribute to your thread. However, I do read and try to understand this new path I am entering and your words are part of my learning process. Thank you and I hope to see more comments, and debate too, in the posts that follow.

[Kierci]

Would that be to Maids of Honor? Anyways I am very pleased to see yet another GG accepting and supportive of CD'ing I can only hope more and more GG's will take your wisdom and open their minds. Thank YOU and bring back pictures of the wedding we are all wanting to see them.:love:

[Carin]

sometimes the struggle becomes the struggle...

What Louise says is true, promises made and broken, boundaries pushed. The ingredients that threathen serious relationships. From her perspective, lack of consideration, lack of sensitivity, lack of caring. A valid perspective.

I wonder how our relationship would have evolved had I forced myself to keep to the very first promise. I am an introvert by nature. Turn inward more. Dwell on not knowing what was meant to be. I do - and always did - love her so deeply. Was it selfishness to want her to know me, the whole me? I did not become someone else. I became more of myself.

The promises were made of ignorance. Doesn't make them any easier or harder to live with. Committment to the other, to hard work, to openness made it work. Understanding the others perspective is not easy. Sometimes the strugle becomes the struggle, and one looses sight of issue.

Louises 'awakening' that 'none of her (Carin) was truly under my control.' was truely a serious turning point for us. I had also come to the point where I realized that I needed 'ownership' of my crossdressing, and the responsibilities that come with that. In a very short period of time the struggle for control was replaced with a renewed newness of personal discovery - of each other, an activity I can recommend after 24 years - the outcome of which you see in the last half of Louise's post.

I like the person that I am. I like the person that she is. To give each other the freedom to grow into ourselves - that committment - is undeniably the most cherishing part of our relationship.

There will always be challenges. There are some now. Some between us, some with the outside world. Some related to crossdressing. Some not. Some will be fun. Some not. Such is life and we will live it. Who knows what the next 24 years will bring? Really! Who knows? I just know that we will be doing it together as long as we are both drawing breath. And I doubt that it will be boring.

For some this will be hard to read. What might have been... etc. This is not a recipe. Just our personal story. Thank you for allowing us to share.

To my love Louise. :rose2: :love: Thank you. I love you :love: :rose2:

[Stephenie S]

What a lovely post from both of you. I wish you Godspeed on your journey.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Talon DeRojo]

Louise & Carin - Bless you both for being committed enough to the relationship to work at the acceptance, compromise, etc. necessary to stay together! Thank you for sharing your story.
Talon:happy:

[Sandra]

Louise I know where you're coming from I've been there myself. It can be bloody hard but once that accpetance and enjoyment is there for both people it is a really exciting thing and is something that is special.

[Veronica E. Scott]

What a fantastic post,wish there were more people in the world like the both of you . Hope you both have a fantastic wedding day. My wish for you is good health and happyness,wealth you already have it,with each other.

[Brianna Lovely]

First, I'd like to say thank you, to both of you for sharing your story.

From my own experiences and after reading many posts on this forum, I've come to the opinion, that CDers are like children.

This is not meant as an insult, but rather as an insight. Women spend their formative years learning all about being feminine. How to dress, color matching, how to walk, pose, flirt, makeup, manners, hair, nails jewelry, and how to get what they want.

A CDer is trying to cram twenty years worth of learning/training, into a few months or a year.

So, if you think of a "new" TG person, as a young girl, she's got a lot of learning to do.

If more GGs would spend some time helping and nurturing their TG/SO, maybe we wouldn't be seeing the words, "compromise, limits, only this item, but not that item, not in front of me, not in public, what will the neighbors think, what will the family think, if you dress-I'll leave you, etc. etc.

Louise and Cari, I think you two have given the best example of "love and acceptance". There are many people in this world, who could learn from your wonderful example.

[DAVIDA]

We have been married over 16 years and Jean knew about my dressing from the night I proposed to her. I have to give her all the credit when it comes to me accepting and understanding that crossdressing is part of the total package that makes me, me. She told me that I would not be able to stop, when I offered to, in the beginning.
I consider myself a winner in the CD's lotto when it comes to SOs. We just joined the Atlanta chapter of Tri Ess, and are going to the spring ball this weekend! Last weekend was so much fun. we shopped several shoe stores looking for that perfect match. We even went to the mall(which Jean does not do usually). She picked out 5 pair of shoes for me,two bras, a body shaper, and a dress! She also got things for herself. It was not all about me.
My point is, acceptance can be very much a good thing. And a lot of fun!
Love, Davida

[Leah McCombe]

well done louise like most women u get it and that only goes to help us the tg community congrats on ur wedding and i hope all goe well ft u in the future

[MJ]

Thank you for a wonderful post, please post some pictures you both will look gorgeous

[Just Rachel]

Thanks for your story. :)

[Holly]

...at least from my reading, is that the sooner we learn not to try and control one another the sooner we can assist one another in discovering who we are as individuals and as a couple. Your insights are like a refreshing breeze in a community all to often racked with storm. You've given more people hope today that you can possibly imagine and a reminder for those of us who share a mutually nurturing relationship of just how precious what we have is. And congratulations on your upcoming commitment ceremony. I was fortunate to be in the wedding party of such a ceremony last year in Las Vegas and it was a most beautiful and moving time. May your experience be a blessing to you as well.

[melissacd]

Carin and Louise, thanks for sharing this beautiful story, it has brought tears to my eyes.

[lindase4da]

My best to you both as you plan your wedding and life together. How wonderful the human spirit is when we see though the eyes of love. May the future hold only happiness as you journey there together, hand in hand. Linda

[Angie G]

Louise you are a great lady and Carin is so lucky to have you in his life congratulation on the upcoming wedding wish I could be there :hugs:
Angie

[StephanieH]

:D You're an absolute gem, and I pray all goes well in Vegas. I hope a lot of the other GG's and wives here can draw some inspiration from your story. I can certainly testify, I feel so much closer to my wife now that we've worked things out and I'm more in love :love: with her with each passing day. I pray you two continue to grow and your relationship never grows stale or troublesome in any way.

Take care and God bless! :happy:

[Satrana]

One of the most inspiring stories around here for a long time.

Louise - if you can find a way to capture some of that magic "awakening" potion then you would find a hundred mile long queue of cds outside your house.:happy:


Was it selfishness to want her to know me, the whole me? I did not become someone else. I became more of myself.

I had also come to the point where I realized that I needed 'ownership' of my crossdressing, and the responsibilities that come with that. In a very short period of time the struggle for control was replaced with a renewed newness of personal discovery Some very profound thoughts about the conflicts within our relationships.

[lahr]

Thanks for sharing. My wife knows about my CDing and for the most part has no problems with it. I respect her limits and it is what it is. Bless you both and once again.....Thank You both.

[Fab Karen]

Thanks for sharing that, you may have helped a number of people. Carin is lucky to have you.
On a side note, your awakening: "I realized that none of her was truly under my control." is true of any relationship, regardless of crossdressing. Our ego wants to deny it, to feel we own the other person, too often assuming they will be everything, MAKE us happy ( happiness comes from inside ) . ( I'm speaking in general, not about your relationship ).

Enjoy your 2nd. wedding.

[Barb Valentine]

Wow you've really opened my eyes to some thing
That I never even thought of

Thank you for sharing your story with us
And all the best in the future and your up coming wedding

[susiej]

Louise and Carin,

I shudder with joy for Louise's letting go moment! What a simple concept, yet how difficult it is for us often to carry it through. Wish we could bottle it; I'd be the first in line to buy some for my SO.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this story. May the goddess bless you with continuing happiness and contentment.

Hugs,
Susie

[Valerie]

Dear Carin and Louise,
What a wonderful story! I wish you all the best in your Vegas wedding. My wife painted my nails a gorgeous red a few days ago and I felt heaven opened its doors to me. I can't imagine how moving a new wedding would be, now celebrating my feminine side! I get so much support from this community!

[loriannetucson]

Your story is heartwarming and inspiring. I know I sound like a movie critic, but it's true, I was really blessed to read through an obviously well thought out and written post (you too Carin!).

My wife and I are currently going through a lot of the same problems you two face, except I consider myself TS and not Cd. I am currently on hormones and my body is slowly but surely changing towards a more female figure as well as my emotions. She is fighting through lots of feelings, and as much as I try to validate her, I know in my heart that she is going to have to terms with this on her own in her own way. I have found that even though it's been extremely painful at times, that complete honesty with one another allows us to slowly regain the trust that I lost by telling her years into the marriage.

Hope the wedding turns out well, God's blessings!
Lori Anne

[sobe1ove GG]

I know this is supposed to be really inspiring an awesome for everyone, but this made me cry so hard. And it wasn't a happy cry. This is all so new to me. Thinking about having the kind of relationship where I refer to him by his girl name or would marry him in a dress or refer to him as a girl is VERY scary for me.

I mean... that's just not what I want for my life.

Then again, I love him so much it hurts. I'm hella conflicted.


Sobe1ove

[Kerry Owens]

OK, take a deep breath, Sobe1ove; each crossdresser is unique and individual, and what happens in one situation may never happen to you. One day at a time works very well, and remember; you are not alone. There are a lot of other GG's who have been in your shoes and adjusted happily.

[Leah B]

Mispost (wrong topic, oops!)

[kerrianna]

Oh, hi Leah! Glad to see you are here too. :hugs:
I hope Sobe and you can find a similar path to Louise and Carin. Like Kerry said, each CD is a unique individual, and each relationship is unique, but I think Louise and Carin's story, which gave me the warm fuzzies :happy: , is a good example of how couples work through stuff like this.

A relationship is ALWAYS a work in progress. That's half the fun. Just remember - you are on the same team. Look out for each other. Listen and love.

:hugs: :love:

[Carin's Wife GG]

I know this is supposed to be really inspiring an awesome for everyone, but this made me cry so hard. And it wasn't a happy cry. This is all so new to me. Thinking about having the kind of relationship where I refer to him by his girl name or would marry him in a dress or refer to him as a girl is VERY scary for me.

I mean... that's just not what I want for my life.

Then again, I love him so much it hurts. I'm hella conflicted.


Sobe1ove


I could have written your post not so long ago. It takes time and so much effort. For me (and I hope Carin) it has been worth the pain to get to where we are now. PM me anytime you need to. I am here and would be so happy if I could support you through this!


Louise.

[Margot]

:2c: How many times must GG's have heard this? How many times have we CD/Tg'ers said or been tempted to say this?
In my case I had thought that for a long time but as our marriage and Margot developed I can truly say I am not the same man.
The good thing is I think I'm a better man, and my wife feels I'm a better husband than most other husbands , including her own brothers.
She says I am now more understanding, compasionate, and sharing with common interests and emotions.
How lucky am I?
:love:
Margot

[Leah B]

Okay, that WAS a mispost, but it's still relevant (I had 2 windows open, got 'em confused). Whatev.

[Felix]

Wow!! As I'm a helpless romantic this story has touched my very soul. Thanx for sharing Louise and Carin and good luck with the wedding :hugs: xx Felix

[kerrianna]

Okay, that WAS a mispost, but it's still relevant (I had 2 windows open, got 'em confused). Whatev.

Hey Leah, don't be afraid of talking to us here. If you feel more comfy get your 10 posts and join the GM forum. We really want to see this work for you and Sobe. None of this is easy, and relationships are hard enough as it is, but the fact that you are both here is very promising. :hugs: :love:

I hope we can help.

[Leah B]

I'm not shy. This is the internet, so I'm pretty anything goes. I deleted that post because I MEANT to post it in a different topic. Basically, I just said in that Sobe and I use prefer "partner" to SO.

[countrygirlGG]

Dear Louise & Carin,

I just wanted to say that your sharing & understanding relationship are an inspiration to me! My SO & I are trying to work thru my accidential discovery of the CDing.After 10 yrs I found out & to say the least it was a shock & feeling of betrayal.We are trying so hard to get thru this & get back to a strong relationship once again.I have read a number of posts/replies by both of you & I have hope & a much more postive outlook for my situation now.You are both such wonderful people for sharing your thoughts & feelings with us:hugs:! One thing I have seen here is all the love,compassion & understanding that EVERYONE here has to share:hugs: .But you make me have a wonderful feeling that my husband & I can work thru ANYTHING together! THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR BEING YOU!:hugs: :love:

[KrazyKat]

Thank you, Louise for sharing your journey with us!! I'm so happy for the both of you, that you worked through your choices together and are on a journey of peace, love, and happiness!!

Everyday we are blessed with life is that much sweeter when we can find a soulmate who you can trust and love with complete truthfullnes!!

I'm a lucky ducky myself that I have found this life with my partner, and count my blessings everyday!!

Looking forward to the wonderful wedding pictures, we'll all be there in spirit!!:gh:

Guess you're going to need a really BIG cake!!:heehee:

[Terry]

Hi; Louise

I like to say you must be one of those special ladies, And I do hope all your dreams come true. I also feel you have made Your Carin a very happy person .I have say thank you for this post ,it just one of many reason this forum as help me understand the bigger picture.

My love
Terry xxxxx

[lowlavalentine]

I like your "pink haze" term. I may be stuck there even after all these years.

There are many parallels between your relationship and our own in terms of length of dressing and length of "knowing". That's about where the similarities end. I don't want to bring black balloons to the birthday party but I think it's fair to say that few couples achieve what you have been able to. Despite many soul searching hours of discussion over the years my wife and I have not been able to make that quantum jump to acceptance and integration. My dressing remains a bone of contention and a difficult reality that pushes us apart as opposed to bringing us closer. We've been able to find some areas of compromise and for that I'm grateful, but I don't anticipate Nirvana any time soon. I'm afraid my wedding dress will remain a fantasy prop in my wardrobe closet.

[Carin's Wife GG]

it dodn't happen overnight that is for sure. It's that leap of faith thing that sticks most times and tht is rooted in (genuine) fear for both the CDer and their partner. I am gald our story was good for most and sad that it opened new wounds for others.


fondly



Louise.

[Along4TheRide GG]

I understand that each relationship is unique and some are on very different levels.

I am so flattered that my SO thinks I am so fascinating and beautiful that he wants to know what it feels like to be me. Women complain all the time that their partners just don't understand them. I am so lucky that we can relate on such a unique level.

We have "girls night out" sometimes, or go to the mall, restaurant, etc. We have SO MUCH FUN!

I am very fortunate that this came up early in our marriage. Even then it started as Pedicures, adding polish, then Halloween.... you get the drift.

I am glad this was all very open and honest from the beginning. To be trusted and confided in was such a committed and vulnerable act that I was touched.

How lucky am I that I can truly give something THAT NOBODY ELSE CAN! It's just us, and that unique bond at that level makes our relationship, friendship, commitment, etc. multi-dimensional.

We definately have a balance, and enjoy all the aspects of our relationship. I'm not threatened and decided early on let it happen. I've always felt loved, unconditionally, and returning the favor seems natural. He supports my growing and changing and discovering..... Why wouldn't I?

I'm not sure what kind of turns it may take, but it's been over a year and I'm still.........

-- Along4TheRide

[hhfet]

it dodn't happen overnight that is for sure. It's that leap of faith thing that sticks most times and tht is rooted in (genuine) fear for both the CDer and their partner. I am gald our story was good for most and sad that it opened new wounds for others.


fondly



Louise.

I envy you both! I am so in the closet with my CDing, as I know my wife would never understand. Although, I have asked to wear her panties so I could feel 'close to her' all day! Ha! Louise, Carin, you are both lucky to have each other, and you both look GR8!

Love, 'Caressa'.

[Sheri 4242]

Sobe1ove,

From my communications with Louise and Carin, they are VERY special people and have an EXTRA SPECIAL MARRIAGE! My wife and I have such a relationship, too, and I am ever so thankful every single day that my wife and I found each other!!!

We, as some on here know, are also doing a commitment ceremony in Vegas -- and I'll finally get to wear a wedding dress for real. That my wife suggested we have this ceremony was so very special to me that it defies finding words adequate enough to properly express what I feel -- it is kind of like extending our vows to the deepest part of our emotional beings!!!

(((We were supposed to have already had the ceremony, but a last minute family situation caused us to have to postpone it. I only wish we could have a double ceremony with Louise and Carin, but at present, we are looking at doing it in about 3-4 weeks.)))

Sobe1ove: nobody can guarantee that you will be able to come to the same level of acceptance that some of us have been blessed to find. Nobody can guarantee that you will even be able to find tolerance within yourself.

I do think you are on the right track -- communicating with all of us, CDs and GGs alike, can only be helpful to you, your emotions, and your decision-making process.

It is scary -- but not just for you, but for both of you!!! One common thing that you will see that most of us CDers have lived with is tremendous fear and guilt -- that we will be outed -- that we might be crazy and the ony person who feels like we do, or does what we do -- that we will never find a GG who will love and accept us for what we are and see that what they (the GG) fell in love with was, in no small part, b/c of our "second self." You both need to be open and totally honest with each other every step of your journey!!! (This applies to all aspects of a commited relationship and not just to the CDing aspect.)

Learn all you can -- and ask for time to process all that you are learning. Ask questions whenever you have them -- don't automatically assume an answer. And, know this, there are aspects that may not be automatically what you presume them to be. You don't have to call him by his femme name, for exampele. My wife often refers to my femme name (like, "I bought Barbara this or that" -- or, "I think Barb would look great in that outfit" -- or, "I wish Barb would get out of the junior's department and start dressing age-appropriate" LOL in re the last one), but she very rarely ever calls me Barbara in conversation (like, "Barb, get me a cup of coffee when you go to the kitchen"). Every relationship is different whether CDing is involved or not, and if you want to suceed, you both must learn the true art of relationships and loving!!!

Trust me on this one last pont: I don't know any couples where the man was a CD and the wife initially said, "Wow . . . this IS exactly what I want for my life." I suppose it ha happened, but I think it the exception and not the rule. Anyway, those who gave it a try -- like with ALL of their heart, mind, soul, and emotions -- many times find that a tremendous amount of the qualities that caused them to fall in love with the CDer are b/c he is a CDer. This isn't always the case, but it is frequently typical!!!

(((One last suggestion: when you want to read books on the subject, or join a GG-only group, consider asking what you are thinking about on here -- or PM one of us. There are CD books that are really meant for TS's for example. I know one couple where, without this knowledge, a CDer bought his wife such a book. Next thing you know the wife was freaking out b/c she thought, since her CDing husband bought her the book, that he wanted to actually transition, which wasn't the case. Yes, there are TS's on here, and they are vital and caring members, but I think most all would agree that you need acurate information that apertains to your exact situation!)))

In closing, while her entire post is important and well-written, please note one thing Louise said:



In 2006 I struggled with severe depression and Carin's CDing was but one part of that depression. We worked together for many months seemingly getting nowhere. Then, I honestly had an awakening . . . I realized that none of her was truly under my control. I made a conscious decision to completely embrace my husband/wife, both male and female and let the chips fall where they would fall. You cannot imagine the burden this allowed to be lifted from me! Carin was very happy too, lol. Interestingly, her need to dress became less compulsive and more relaxed because she knew there was always a time and place for her to do so. I was more relaxed because I was not giving permission and monitoring her dressing and/or behaviour. I could feel the trust building between us again. What a wonderful feeling that was.

(Emphasis added)

I wish you the best in your journey!!! We are all here for you and yours!!!

[MrsDawnL GG]

Loved what you had to say. I'm a new GG SO of a CD......gosh....getting to learn the lingo. My SO have been married for only 3 years. We each were married for 30 years before our previous spouses died. We met after being widows for 2 years.....dated for a year, and now have been married for 3 years. He/she told me about 2 months ago about his cd'ing.....that he had done it with his first wife for a while....was really just comming into it when she passed.... He put that part of his life on hold. Then a couple of months ago, the thoughts, ideas, questions, and I guess the curiosity of cd'ing came back to him. He told me...Gosh....this couldn't be happing to me!!!.......But it was. And I love him......I love him so much....I love all of him....who he is.....I guess no matter who he is. And this is part of him. At first, I let him try on some of my clothes. Now....picture this.....I'm 4'11".....he's 6'4".....kinda Mutt and Jeff.......now I call him my "Maxi Me". Since then we gone out shopping several times and have bought him lost of things that are just his (yeah, I may borrow some of the things). I can remember the first night that I came home ....just a few days after him telling me....opening the door slowly.....wondering who was behind the door.....Don or Dawn......took a deep breath...opened the door.....standing there.....well, who was there.........well.....the person I love.......who else. Doesn't matter what clothes are worn......its just the person that I love.....that I will always love.

I can only hope that there are other GG's out there like me. To me...it only helps our loved one be who they want to be.....who they need to be.

[jessie_cal]

That was truly a lovely and inspiring story. You made my wife cry (the happy kind of crying). I wish you all the best for the wedding and beyond.

[Carin's Wife GG]

Sobe1ove,

From my communications with Louise and Carin, they are VERY special people and have an EXTRA SPECIAL MARRIAGE! My wife and I have such a relationship, too, and I am ever so thankful every single day that my wife and I found each other!!!

We, as some on here know, are also doing a commitment ceremony in Vegas -- and I'll finally get to wear a wedding dress for real. That my wife suggested we have this ceremony was so very special to me that it defies finding words adequate enough to properly express what I feel -- it is kind of like extending our vows to the deepest part of our emotional beings!!!

(((We were supposed to have already had the ceremony, but a last minute family situation caused us to have to postpone it. I only wish we could have a double ceremony with Louise and Carin, but at present, we are looking at doing it in about 3-4 weeks.)))

Sobe1ove: nobody can guarantee that you will be able to come to the same level of acceptance that some of us have been blessed to find. Nobody can guarantee that you will even be able to find tolerance within yourself.

I do think you are on the right track -- communicating with all of us, CDs and GGs alike, can only be helpful to you, your emotions, and your decision-making process.

It is scary -- but not just for you, but for both of you!!! One common thing that you will see that most of us CDers have lived with is tremendous fear and guilt -- that we will be outed -- that we might be crazy and the ony person who feels like we do, or does what we do -- that we will never find a GG who will love and accept us for what we are and see that what they (the GG) fell in love with was, in no small part, b/c of our "second self." You both need to be open and totally honest with each other every step of your journey!!! (This applies to all aspects of a commited relationship and not just to the CDing aspect.)

Learn all you can -- and ask for time to process all that you are learning. Ask questions whenever you have them -- don't automatically assume an answer. And, know this, there are aspects that may not be automatically what you presume them to be. You don't have to call him by his femme name, for exampele. My wife often refers to my femme name (like, "I bought Barbara this or that" -- or, "I think Barb would look great in that outfit" -- or, "I wish Barb would get out of the junior's department and start dressing age-appropriate" LOL in re the last one), but she very rarely ever calls me Barbara in conversation (like, "Barb, get me a cup of coffee when you go to the kitchen"). Every relationship is different whether CDing is involved or not, and if you want to suceed, you both must learn the true art of relationships and loving!!!

Trust me on this one last pont: I don't know any couples where the man was a CD and the wife initially said, "Wow . . . this IS exactly what I want for my life." I suppose it ha happened, but I think it the exception and not the rule. Anyway, those who gave it a try -- like with ALL of their heart, mind, soul, and emotions -- many times find that a tremendous amount of the qualities that caused them to fall in love with the CDer are b/c he is a CDer. This isn't always the case, but it is frequently typical!!!

(((One last suggestion: when you want to read books on the subject, or join a GG-only group, consider asking what you are thinking about on here -- or PM one of us. There are CD books that are really meant for TS's for example. I know one couple where, without this knowledge, a CDer bought his wife such a book. Next thing you know the wife was freaking out b/c she thought, since her CDing husband bought her the book, that he wanted to actually transition, which wasn't the case. Yes, there are TS's on here, and they are vital and caring members, but I think most all would agree that you need acurate information that apertains to your exact situation!)))

In closing, while her entire post is important and well-written, please note one thing Louise said:




(Emphasis added)

I wish you the best in your journey!!! We are all here for you and yours!!!

and thank you for your help with OUR wedding! Best wishes and we wish we could be there with both of you!

Fondly,


Louise.:love: :love: :love: :love: :love:

[NewBetty]

Clearly it's taken a lot of work and difficulty to get where you are but you're both lucky girls! I've reminded myself many times: not everyone gets to have a life blessed by a true love!

[Carin's Wife GG]

I like your "pink haze" term. I may be stuck there even after all these years.

There are many parallels between your relationship and our own in terms of length of dressing and length of "knowing". That's about where the similarities end. I don't want to bring black balloons to the birthday party but I think it's fair to say that few couples achieve what you have been able to. Despite many soul searching hours of discussion over the years my wife and I have not been able to make that quantum jump to acceptance and integration. My dressing remains a bone of contention and a difficult reality that pushes us apart as opposed to bringing us closer. We've been able to find some areas of compromise and for that I'm grateful, but I don't anticipate Nirvana any time soon. I'm afraid my wedding dress will remain a fantasy prop in my wardrobe closet.


for me and my own mental health that was so desperately needed. I know myself to be a thinker, a teacher and a social activist. here I was living with the person I loved most in the world (well along with my many children, lol), preaching away about acceptance, blah, blah, blah. Talk about incongruent with oneself (not unlike a scared CDer perhaps). I HAD to walk the walk of not just tolerance but acceptance and even embracing that which was for so long a divider in my most precious relationship. I am quite sure I could not have survived long term with the internal conflict (again not so unlike the CDer) I would have continued to spiral downhill into the depths of depression and missed so many wonderful opportunites along the way.

The blessing of internal congruency cannot be described adequately in the written form. The only word that comes close is *profound*. It is this gift of internal congruency that I wish for eaxh one of you, your special loved ones and our children. Especially our children. They, along with us, will be the changemakers in our world.

With love as always,



Louise.:love: :love: :love: :love:

[Sheri 4242]

I know this is supposed to be really inspiring an awesome for everyone, but this made me cry so hard. And it wasn't a happy cry. This is all so new to me. Thinking about having the kind of relationship where I refer to him by his girl name or would marry him in a dress or refer to him as a girl is VERY scary for me. I mean... that's just not what I want for my life. Then again, I love him so much it hurts. I'm hella conflicted. Sobe1ove

Sobe1ove GG,

Give yourself and your SO time to sort things out, learn, grow, cry and laugh. Frankly, I dont know any GG's that grew up thinking that, "this is what I want for my life." (Heck, some GG's haven't even heard of heterosexual CDing!) At any rate, many have learned to work through the many issues -- look at Louise. My wife and I are having a "wedding" at the same chapel in Las Vegas as Louise and Carin. In fact, we had hoped to be there at the same time so that we could witness their ceremony and they could witness ours. Unfortunately, scheduling was tight for both of us and this won't be possible. Still, we're gonna do it, too! I don't know if this will help you or not, but we look at having such a ceremony in several ways. First, it is a time where we can make a visible expression that we (all sides of each of us) are wholly commited to our union. Second, it is a once-in-a-lifetime type thing. My wife realized that having the opportunity to wear a wedding dress and express that my "second self" was as commited to our mariage as my male personna was very important to me. I had bought a beautiful wedding gown about a year ago, but really thought I'd never get a chance to "officially" wear it. Then, in planning our Vegas vacation, my wife suggested we have our ceremony while out there (you know, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas).

You say you are new to this! Well, if you really love your SO, then please give it time. Talk privately with GG's like Louise. Her attitude, which is much like my wife's, is a great example of how one really can work through the issues surrounding CDing.

I wish you the best!

[jennie06]

That is a great testimonial to the love that you have for one another. I wish the best for you both now and for all eternity.