The Problem with 'Significant Other'

[sobe1ove GG]

Hi everyone. I'm pretty new. This will be my second post. I already introduced myself in the appropriate forum.

I am a GG whose boyfriend came out as a crossdresser pretty recently. Needless to say, I'm having a really hard time with it.

One problem I have is that now we aren't just a couple anymore. We are a crossdressing couple. I hate that we have to be defined that way. Can't we just be the two of us? It also makes me feel like he is now more important in the relationship than I am. It's all about him and his crossdressing. Always and forever.

A good example of this is with the lingo in the community. He is the 'crossdresser' and I am the 'significant other.' I am the OTHER. More like an 'insignificant other.' As in, he is the center of the relationship and I'm this peripheral character. I'm not as important now. I feel lost. I feel like the relationship isn't a partnership anymore. I'm not a partner anymore, but an other. That makes me very sad.

My point in this is that I think that lingo should change. Us 'significant others' ARE special, and we deserve a title that displays this.

Sobe1ove

[Kate Simmons]

How about changing the meaning of SO to "special one", Hon? All of you ladies are very special in my opinion, very special indeed.:happy: Sal

[Dixie]

Don't forget the "significant" in significant other. My wife knows and is accepting I couldn't do it with out her. She laughs at my rather ridiculous ideas but supports me when I have good ones. To me she is my SIGNIFICANT other.:yrtw:Dixie

[Tree GG]

Significant other is just politically correct as it can include spouses, partners and family (to an extent). Just fewer characters to type. SO doesn't offend me as much as "the old lady" - especially when he's dressed :devil:

You touched on a few other feelings that are way more significant than the title of your role. Concentrate on your new perceptions and expectations for your relationship - then worry about the title. A rose by any other name.....

PS I definitely see it as interesting that you view the title of "crossdresser" as a positive or desirable thing.

[Kieron Andrew]

The word 'significant' to me means special, individual....

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Significant_other it basically is a term used to disclose a person is in a relationship without knowing the extent of that relationship, i.e partnered, married, same sex relationship.....it is interchangeable when talking to each half of the relationship not JUST GG's

[tommi]

You can be just the two of you but you need to set down with him and establish that.
You sound accepting be patient and communicate ,establish your own guidelines that you wish the two of you ,especially him, to follow.
Goodluck to the two of you:hugs:
Tommi

[Di]

Sorry you are feeling you aren't a partner anymore...you might have remind him this is a partnership...he might just be feeling good about his partner knowing and going way overboard forgetting you in the mean time. Talk to him let him know your feelings.Best Wishes:hugs:

And the S .O. is not just in this community....and it means A person, such as a spouse or lover, with whom one shares a long-term sexual relationship.
2. A person, such as a family member or close friend, who is important or influential in one's life: "

[Eva Diva]

I have no doubt that you are having legitimate problems to deal with, and I hope you work them out to your satisfaction. I do think that I can answer for the specific issue you brought up. The term "significant other" is used as a shorthand for "wife, or girlfriend, or lover, or boyfriend". I think you'll agree that S.O. is more concise, and just as inclusive than the above.
If you read threads for a while, I think you'll find that S.O.s, as we say, are respected supported, sympathized with and postitively loved around here. There are stories of anguish, suffering and breakup, but in my short time here I've never seen wives or girlfriends marginalized or demonized.
Your concern for your relationship is, as I said above, legitimate. You have every right to expect everything now that you did when your relationship began. Crossdressing is not an excuse for bad behavior, or any lessening in the commitment you get from your partner. As someone once said to me, you are a "catch", and you have every right to expect only the best in return for your company. Good luck.

[GACountrygal]

significant other goes both ways.
I am my hubbys SO
He is My SO
:D

[RebeccaLynne]

that person to whom you're neither engaged nor married, yet are involved with in a relationship. Sobe, you're a couple. As such, you're equals. Let him know your wants and needs, they're every bit as important as his. It's a partnership for your shared satisfaction and happiness. Just my :2c:

[sobe1ove GG]

Thanks everyone, for the support. I appreciate it and really need it.

I know the definition of significant other, but it seems to be different in this community(meaning crossdressing in general and not this forum specifcally), from what I've read. In a crossdressing relationship it seems that there is a crossdresser and his SO...

Blah.

Sobe1ove

[EmmaB GG]

I'm with GACountrygalGG - in my relationship, we're both each others SO. But also, its really only here that I've found the term to be used, and its just a way of getting round the he/she boyfriend/girlfriend wife/husband dilemma that many have &, to be honest, can get confusing if we're all using out own language.

It's the same with GG - I got very offended at the start - I'm a real girl, so why do I have to take the nickname, but hey life's too short, so here I'm a GG, but not outside of here!

They're not meant to be defining, just an easier way of typing that everyone understands !!!!

eM

[GACountrygal]

I'm with GACountrygalGG - in my relationship, we're both each others SO. But also, its really only here that I've found the term to be used, and its just a way of getting round the he/she boyfriend/girlfriend wife/husband dilemma that many have &, to be honest, can get confusing if we're all using out own language.

It's the same with GG - I got very offended at the start - I'm a real girl, so why do I have to take the nickname, but hey life's too short, so here I'm a GG, but not outside of here!

They're not meant to be defining, just an easier way of typing that everyone understands !!!!

eM

EXACTLY!!! SO makes it lots easier and less confusing!!! :hugs:

Sobe1, hun, take a deep breath, we're here for ya!! :hugs: :hugs:

Nic

[SherriePall]

Many of us here shy away from using that term. If we are married, we refer to our wives. If not, many of us use girlfriend or gf. I realize it's still not the same as using a first name which of course is so much more personal and respectful (to me).
However, I believe you have bigger fish to fry than how you are referred to here or elsewhere. Sounds as though you have a long way to go to total acceptance. Many of our wives and girlfriends are in the same boat as you. Try to be understanding (and often forgiving) of him as the two of you go through this together. And I hope that he treats you well and reminds you how much he loves you.
We are all here for you.

[sobe1ove GG]

Many of us here shy away from using that term. If we are married, we refer to our wives. If not, many of us use girlfriend or gf. I realize it's still not the same as using a first name which of course is so much more personal and respectful (to me).
However, I believe you have bigger fish to fry than how you are referred to here or elsewhere. Sounds as though you have a long way to go to total acceptance. Many of our wives and girlfriends are in the same boat as you. Try to be understanding (and often forgiving) of him as the two of you go through this together. And I hope that he treats you well and reminds you how much he loves you.
We are all here for you.

You're right. I'm definitely having a hard time. Very hard. Sometimes I'm fine. The other night I let him wear a dress of mine and I did his makeup and taught him how. Then today I feel like I can't take any of it.

I'm afraid that this is how life is going to be from now on. :'( That it'll be a rollercoaster and that I wont always accept it.

[EmmaB GG]

Thinking about it more, a GG (there you go, a shorthand way of describing me!) is more likely to refer to her CDing partner as her SO than the other way around, as she may not be too comfortable about calling them girlfriend/wife etc as to her they're not, but it might hurt the SO to be refered to by a male descriptive in this forum - we're just trying to be nice & p.c. to everyone and thereby keep the peace!!

[KimberlyS]

Hi Sobe1ove,

I understand where you are coming from and how you can see it like you do.

I hope you can see if from our side. For starters SO is for significant other. Not the baggage, the other half, the wife, the girl friend. SO is for "Significant" person that is part of our life. As I am sure you are already realizing there are many different situations here. Male to Female CDer, Female to Male CDer, Transsexuals going both MTF and FTM, General Transgender people that just are. Then on top of that add the array of people that are our SO's given that any of the above can be hetro, gay, lesbian, bi, or all inclusive. We have for a SO: Girl Friend, Boy Friend, Live In GF or BF, Wife, Husband, Partner, Friends, and combinations of all of them.

So for me at least, and others may differ. When I see SO I think of a person that is "Significant" and involved in the person's life, and usually on an intimate and committed level of some type. Others would say we are just being politically correct.

To me, referring to "my Wife" as my SO is respect. But if I would say "the wife" it would be disrespect.

Being a Crossdressing couple is just one part of your relationship. You may also be a bowling couple, camping couple, party couple, coffee loving couple, and many many more different types. Labels allow others to be able to deal with people, things, places, couple.... But to the two of you, you should just be two people in a relationship. Neither of you any more important than the other. You both may have things that you like and dislike at different levels and that is ok as your are still both individual people also. Do not let the labels get in the way of who you are and how you see others.

KimberlyS-CD
Joe in a skirt (just a label so others can relate to me)

[Kerry Owens]

Significant other is just a way to say a team, hang in there and keep up the critical communication. The worst problems always crop up when you have a failure to get the messages across and someone assumes they know what the other partner is thinking.
Welcome to the forum, and remember; you're not alone.

[sobe1ove GG]

Thank you Kimberly. That made me cry, although I'm crying at everything. :)

I can't wait until this gets easier. That'll be awesome.

Soeb1ove

[Kate Simmons]

Well, as far as I am concerned, GG means "great gal" to me, despite what the common usage is because that is what I have seen demonstrated here.:thumbsup: Sal

[countrygirlGG]

Dear Sobe,
I'm new here too! Still trying to work things out with my husband.I've only known for a few months & I found out on my own!But, I know how you feel.Been there & kinda still am.You said it correctly, that was the same way I felt about the SO too.In fact the other night we went out,he was in drab,(so many new terms to learn here too,I'm still trying to figure them all out=:)), he didn't even intro me as his wife.It's like were "close friends" or something.That really bothered me ALOT!& he only ID's me as his SO anymore.I told him I didn't like the term but he still refers to me as such.The olny time he started refering to me as his SO is since I found everything out.I talk to him about it, but he never really cared about my feelings.I've always hated terms like "old lady", "ball & chain" ect. If you can't call me your wife, we have no place to be married.This is just the way I feel about it.Not knocking anyone elses views here!!!But I do understand why the SO is used with the CDing ect boards & community.I'm starting to be ok with the term.I doesn't mean he cares for me or the relationship any less.It's just a new way to describe me!!! & believe me, the "rollercoaster" feeling, I think it's normal.Been doing that myself.But just try to talk to him.& I have found everyone one here so wonderful to talk with & they have been there & can get me thru!!!! Truely everyone is super great here!!!!I don't think I'd be as stable if I hadn't found this site!!!!

[Joy Carter]

[QUOTE=sobe1ove;820530]You're right. I'm definitely having a hard time. Very hard. Sometimes I'm fine. The other night I let him wear a dress of mine and I did his makeup and taught him how. Then today I feel like I can't take any of it.

I think you girl needs a good :spank: ing. If my wife was as accepting as you. She would be on a golden barge sailing down the Nile. Well maybe an aluminum one on the Ohio.:o

Sobe, you have to get into her head on this. Ask her where she is going with this. What are her priorities. You should be the most important thing in her life. CD is further down on that list. Just make you thoughts and fears know to her now.

Joy Carter :hugs:

[PTPJen]

Hi SoBE Love,


You have a right to be angry about the whole thing but a few thngs need to be ironed out first. #1- Your relationship as a Couple HAS TO COME FIRST.
#2-He isn't going to change overnight everyone that has tried to leave the Crossdressing behind is unable to you can't stop it.
#3-He has to RESPECT your feelings and Limits on how you can work this out. He cannot expect you to overnight accept him dressing in clothes that you have always thought were girls and he cannot just start at the top. This can be done in certain way by slowing introducing to the relationship the dressing, IE Underclothes etc and Repect your limits. In five years you may not care if he dresses in front of you, but now its a concern. He also has to respect that there is "Your Time as a married couple, and then there is His Time as a Crossdresser. You may allow him to dress occationally away from you respecting his need and he needs to RESPECT YOUR LIMITS.
#4-If this is going to work as a relationship He MUST have the ability to respect your Limts and your feelings about the matter.

[DonnaT]

I never call my wife my significant other, instead I use "my wife".

[kerrianna]

Hi Sobe,

I never really liked using the SO term to describe my wife either. I understand that on this forum there are a number of different people and situations, so Sig Other is a useful catch-all. I was quite glad that eventually people knew my wife's name was Carol and I can refer to her by name now. I don't even like the term wife. Life Partner is a nice term.

So is your LP a member here? Maybe he should join so we can help guide him through the turbulent waters of being a CD and maintaining a healthy relationship. There are a number of us who have gone through lots of tough sledding with our LPs so we might be able to give him a gentle nudge and reminder once in awhile. :slap: :spank:

If nothing else I hope you connect with the GGs here who are in the same boat as you. CDing can be much more, and much more complicated, than merely dressing. Sometimes that's why we go overboard. In my case I've discovered it's tied to my true identity, and so it's definitely a roller coaster for both Carol and I. I do try to see it from her side, and we talk about it all the time, but I know somedays she probably just wants her old guy back. Although there are lots of things about the new me she loves, so we keep working on it.

Your hubby may being going through a stage right now we call the "Pink Fog" where he's come out to you and feels free finally. We tend to go overboard at first. The trick is to reel him in a bit. Like I said, we can help remind him of how lucky he is to have you and to be aware of how his CDing is affecting you. But you need to tell him, keep talking and negotiating - it's the only way relationships survive and thrive IMO.

Try not to get hung up on labels. They are just words people use to communicate things to others. What's important is what is going on, how you feel, how he feels. I do hope we can be of help to you and your LP. (hehehe, that's probably driving people crazy by now, just stick to SO Kerri! :tongueout ) It's just a label after all.

Good luck Sobe. :hugs: :love:

[linnea]

Although I try to appreciate and emphasize the "significant" part of the phrase, I use it on this forum only for convenience. I refer to my wife as "my wife"; I don't call her demeaning names under any circumstances. I think of her as my lover, my friend, my partner, etc., and in all her capacities I know that our relationship is multifaceted and goes both ways: she is significant to me and I am significant to her.

[Tamara Croft]

I think I'd rather be referred to as an SO than 'she'... which I hear quite a lot lately ;) And you don't need to refer yourselves as the 'cding couple'... you're still a couple and you.... YES YOU... are a very important part of that couple, please don't ever feel that you aren't, this saddens me :( I'm glad you joined our forum, you will get so much support here from everyone :hugs: I hope to see you joining us in the GG forum too :)

[cocopuff's girl GG]

:hugs: I consider him the SO. I don't let his CD consume me or our relationship. We also are not out with it yet either and I don't think he even wants that. He so far enjoys that he can dress in front of me and that we can shop together but when he get's to getting a little crazy with it I let him knowand because he loves me and cares about how I feel he calms it down. So far this has worked and my motto is if it ain't broke don't fix it. We don't go out in public with him dressed right now but there may be a point where we can do that. You have control over this too it's not just all about him and his CDing. You are very much apart of this cause he brought you into his CDing and he needs to make sure you feel secure with it and that you have a say too. Just my thoughts. My SO is very concerned about how I feel with things and if I don't like something I tell him but I lso realize this is not going away. It's very different but not so bad really. He could have other things he likes to do that I definetly could not deal with. Drugs, Alcoholism, Swinging, anger issues, there is just alot more that could be so bad or so much more worse than wanting to wear women's clothing and such. I hope i have helped in some small way. Every couple and relationship is different. I hope things work out. There are some really good people on here that can offer you advice as well. GG's and CD. I have really, truly learned so much on this site and it has helped me tremendously to be able to deal with this and embrace it to a point. Fact is you are important and you do matter. I hope he can see this. Communication..... Tell him what you have told us here. :love: :hugs:

[JulieC]

I'm having a really hard time with it.

You are very, very far from being alone. Kudos to you for being here to try to work through it all!!!!!



One problem I have is that now we aren't just a couple anymore. We are a crossdressing couple. I hate that we have to be defined that way. Can't we just be the two of us? It also makes me feel like he is now more important in the relationship than I am. It's all about him and his crossdressing. Always and forever.

If he is being selfish about his crossdressing, that's a separate matter entirely. Just because a person is selfish doesn't mean they are a crossdresser, or vice versa.

As to being a crossdressing couple; this is pretty meaningless. For every couple, there's a different relationship. If you've been in other relationships, surely you know that each relationship is a bit different than any others.


A good example of this is with the lingo in the community. He is the 'crossdresser' and I am the 'significant other.' I am the OTHER. More like an 'insignificant other.' As in, he is the center of the relationship and I'm this peripheral character. I'm not as important now. I feel lost. I feel like the relationship isn't a partnership anymore. I'm not a partner anymore, but an other. That makes me very sad.

Again, I think there's separate issues here. Being a crossdresser doesn't mean he's the center, and everything else is peripheral. Sounds to me like the two of you could benefit from some serious cuddling and some heart to heart discussion about your relationship in general, regardless of the crossdressing.


My point in this is that I think that lingo should change. Us 'significant others' ARE special, and we deserve a title that displays this.

Titles schmitles :) You're a couple. That's the only title that matters.

-BB

[cindychan]

I'd rather use other terms as well. S.O is actully pretty general, in my field of work S. O. can be a parent, roomate or sponser. Boyfriend dosn't work?:hugs:

[Josephine 1941]

Hi SoBe,

I am going to take a different tack. I don't know if you gave your ages in your first post. If you did I am sorry I missed it. Number one if you are young say under 30 I think you have to realizy you will be sharing a different life than a lot of your friends. You have come into a world that not because we like it ,it is looked upon as not in the main stream any stream. We like the feel of womens cloths an like to dress as one . I know that I strive to look as much like a women as I can. Your boy friend will push this part of himself as much as he can. You have to make a choice on that your self. 2 over 50 say we are kind of set in our ways most have been married an divorced . What ever, we I think are harded to live with its called baggeged. The part of us that is femmin is well in grane,an we have more than likley a better waredrob than you. between 30 an 50 a Cd is struggleing with who he want to be very tuff time I went threw it. This time in not pretty in the sence of finding out that you are not nuts, crazy, or different. At least now it is out there a beginning us older Cds went thur hell. You will get a lot of advice now that there are place like this form. You an only you will have to get into your boy friends head. Like I read in other Messages if this is some thing that is OK with you there are a lot of guys that will treat you like a Queen, plus you will have someone to go shoping with. My girlfriend is my best girl friend we live for one another, it is a great way to live an you are the same size WOOOOOOOOOOA.


JOSEPHINE

[aj_gg]

I refer to my fiance here as my SO frequently basically because I'm lazy. SO is just easier to type but, one thing will never change, how much I love him. I would say sit down and talk with each other and most importantly listen to each other.

Nathan just recently came out to me about the extent of his CDing and for me it has been a rolercoaster of a ride. He and I talk frequently, but most importantly we listen to each other. Take some time go out for coffee and bring a box of kleenex. As both of you choose to grow it can help you both mature beyond where you already are.

AJ

[GACountrygal]

I refer to my fiance here as my SO frequently basically because I'm lazy. SO is just easier to type but, one thing will never change, how much I love him.

exactly!! :thumbsup:

[Holly]

You're right. I'm definitely having a hard time. Very hard. Sometimes I'm fine. The other night I let him wear a dress of mine and I did his makeup and taught him how. Then today I feel like I can't take any of it.

I'm afraid that this is how life is going to be from now on. :'( That it'll be a rollercoaster and that I wont always accept it.Sobe, all I can offer you is that life itself in many ways is like a rollercoaster... there are ups and downs, thrills, violent turns, beautiful views, graceful, sweeping curves, etc. But as the ride wears on, the fear of that first big drop eventually gives way to gentle forward motion and ultimately the arrival at your destination. You're young (I peeked at your profile:D ) and all this is still very new to you. But I think that as you arm yourself with GOOD information, as you learn to effectively communicate with your partner (and he with you), and as you learn more about yourself and who you are, you will find that the ride becomes less stressful and more enjoyable. When I was your age, I was still several years away from deciding on a career path. And it was many, many more years after that that I accepted the realization my gender role was different form that of society's for my birth sex.

My wife and I have been married over 38 years and we have work through a lot of turmoil in our lives. My cross dressing is just one thing we have had to work through. If you both are committed to the relationship and you both make it a point to communicate honestly and openly with one another, your success as a couple is all but assured. My advice to you is that along with the tears that are necessary from time to time, you add a triple measure of laughter. Don't dwell on the yesterdays... they are done and over with and there is nothing you can do to change them. And don't fret about the tomorrows... they will be here soon enough and will bring with them what they will. But today... today is what you have now and what you can control. You can resist and fight it, or you can embrace it and guide it to your next destination. I wish you Godspeed on your journey and a 1000 laughs along the way!

[Glenda58]

You are a special person and you need to have your needs taken care of also. I wish I had a special person to share with. They would get all my love by accepting me and I would make time for them as the man they meet. But I have been doing this for a long time and know what I need to do to make it work. It's not all me. It's us.

[Rachel Morley]

I love being married to my wife Marla and so I often will introduce her (when en femme at TG gatherings) as "my wife". I'm letting people know, that I want them to know, we're married. However, that's easy for me because my wife looks just like she always looks (gorgeous :happy:) as far as gender presentation goes. Me on the other hand ..... well I look a little bit different, so my wife has taken to introducing me (btw her choice) as her "spouse" when she introduces me to new people. "this is my spouse Rachel" it still lets people know we're married but it is a more appropriate pronoun considering how I'm dressed.

Hope this helps a little. No matter what we call ourselves it's important that we all feel comfortable about it. Why not talk with your husband about how it makes you feel. Good luck :happy:

[XDW Nathan-Natasha]

Hi Sobe1ove, I'm a cross-dressing man engaged to the fabulous and beautiful aj_gg (her name on these boards). I think she would be a great girl to talk to about being in a relationship with a cross-dresser (along with all of the other lovely and devoted gg's - genetic girls...another term in our lingo) on the forum.

Anyhow, I can understand how difficuly being the partner of a cross-dresser can be. My fiance has been going through a pretty hard time accepting me as a cross-dresser since I started again after a 2 year hiatus.
Earlier in the relationship, I told her it was something I HAD dealt with - but who would have thought that after 2 years it would come creeping back into my life (after another friend came out about being a cross-dresser).

Since then (several months ago) I have taken her on a roller-coaster of ups and downs revolving around my dressing. Never once has she protested it or said 'you can't do that' but we have talked about it much and worked to establish what she's comfortable with and what she's not comfortable with - yet or at all.
For example, she said I can shave my legs, however she's not ready for me to shave my chest and surgery is out of the question (not that I'd ever really want it anyhow...but it's an example).

I don't think dating a cross-dresser puts you in a "cross-dressing relationship" as you put it. Nor do I think it makes the relationship about something other than you and your SO (see, he's an SO too!). My fiance talks about "the other woman syndrome" - wherein she feels like my female persona (Natasha, in this case) is the 'other woman' in the relationship, a woman I can essentially become and spend time with most any time I want. This and other aspects of my cross-dressing have filled aj_gg with mixed emotions (primarily confusion, followed by jealousy, and occassionaly frustration and anger - though not often). I think part of her is worried that 'Natasha' will replace her and become the only woman I need - when she is really just another facet of myself.

I would reccomend sitting down and talking to your SO (I used it again!) about his cross-dressing. Ask him any question you can think of, but don't always expect a clear-cut answer (especially to the infamous: 'Why do you cross-dress?). Establish boundaries - what you are willing (not necessarily 'comfortable with') to let him do? What aren't you ready for yet? What is something that you probably never allow?
I would also ask him what he wants, and what his goals are as far as his cross-dressing is concerned. Let him speak his peace, either before or after you speak yours. When this is done try to find a happy medium where BOTH of your interests, desires, and comfort levels are left relatively intact.

As far as the SO (significant other) label goes...I'd say pay it no mind. You are reading into it way too deeply (You're a philosophy major, right? No, no, no...I'm joking really...). It's just a term we use here to refer to a person who is somehow significant to an individual in his/her life (usually a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, life partner, etc. - usually with the 'relationship' connotation in mind. Being an SO does not make you an 'other' or less important than your SO (3 times now!) because he is your SO too. It is not a term reserved exclusively for the partners of us cross-dressers, but is one that I feel can be used interchangably between the two.

Wow that was a huge post! Sorry 'bout writing so much, but I AM a writer after all... I hope it helped a little bit. Again, I would hunt down my fiance - aj_gg - and read her posts and mabye contact her. She's in the same boat as you and I think she has a lot of advice to offer. She still hasn't figured everything out yet and probably won't for a few years, but you and her could probably help eachother out a lot - again, along with the guidence of the other wonderful MORE EXPERIENCED (key words, those) gg's (genetic girls, in case you forgot) on the forum.

I hope you and your SO can sit down and talk things through. Please, if you love him, don't leave him over this. He is still the man you love inside. He may be on a bit of a cross-dressing rampage since he told you, but remind him that you want to spend time with the male him as well, and if he loves you too, he should oblige. But also allow him his time to cross-dress...you don't always need to be around for it, but it would probably be good for you to be there at least a couple of times - just to get used to it, you know?

Take care!

[Melanie R]

The goal of every crossdresser should be to find balance in his/her crossdressing. A wife needs a life and friends that do not involve crossdressing. I believe the crossdresser does also. For too many CD's and I have been there and done that we become like children in a candy store especially when we have an accepting SO. We push the boundaries and everything has to revolve around crossdressing. My wife and I have been involved with the TG community worldwide for 25 years (she is Dr. Peggy Rudd) and spend a lot of our time. We do, however, have friends and activities that do not involve the TG community. My wife enjoys those dates with her man as well as her dates out of the home with Melanie as I do. Now if only more on this board would listen to what I am saying and find that balance.

[Bridget Fitzgerald]

While I understand the term, I dont have an SO. I have a wife.

[XDW Nathan-Natasha]

I refer to my fiance here as my SO frequently basically because I'm lazy. SO is just easier to type but, one thing will never change, how much I love him. I would say sit down and talk with each other and most importantly listen to each other.

Nathan just recently came out to me about the extent of his CDing and for me it has been a rolercoaster of a ride. He and I talk frequently, but most importantly we listen to each other. Take some time go out for coffee and bring a box of kleenex. As both of you choose to grow it can help you both mature beyond where you already are.

AJ

Hey sweetie! I didn't realize you posted on here, too! I should have scanned the posts to see yours on here! I find it funny we both referred to the experiences around my cross-dressing as a 'rollercoaster' (wavelength? Inside expression) ride.

Anyhow, sobe1ove; this is aj_gg - my fiance. Not only is she lovely but she's brainy too! A double plus (Orwellian '1984'-ism) bonus for me. This girl has a lot to say!

[Leah B]

Oh, if I'm being selfish, I hear about it! Seriously, I try not to be selfish, because I know it can kill a relationship. One thing is though, crossdressing is something about me, that isn't about her. I wan't her to be a part of it too, but sometimes it's difficult for her, so if I want to do it, I have to do it away from her. And since she wants to be a part of it too, so I have to hold myself back. It can be frustrating, but compromise is important. Baby steps, I suppose. We'll get there, just not rightnowrightnowrightnow like I'd like.

Oh, and I accidentally mentioned this in the wrong thread earlier, so I suppose I should mention it in the right there (here): I'm Sobe's partner.

[XDW Nathan-Natasha]

While I understand the term, I dont have an SO. I have a wife.

...which rocks, Bridget! And I don't have an SO, I have a fiance. Besides, I'm her SO, too!

Anyway...

I just thought of a little more to say about the SO term, for all in general...
I think 'SO' is a term that just helps us streamline things on the board (and in the larger cross-dressing community, and life in general) so that confusion is avoided. Saying SO may take the identity away from wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend but it's kind of an umbrella term that refers to any and all of them at once. It makes it easier to refer to a partner in general, especialy if the relationship in question is one the writer is embarasesed to talk about. For example...

Say there's a gay cross-dresser with a boyfriend who is unaccustomed to his partner's cross-dressing and this causes a bit of turmoil in the relationship. Now let's say the cross-dressing partner hasn't come out of the closet yet and as such isn't ready to refer to his partner as his 'boyfriend' . He could use the descriptor 'SO' to replace boyfriend without having to come out about being gay when he's not ready (I mean, he just had to come out to his boyfriend about being a cross-dreser, too - give the poor guy a break!). It can be useful in situations like this (which may not have or ever will happen).

It it also makes life easier for us lazy people who don't like to write a lot (irony intended).

[Satrana]

One problem I have is that now we aren't just a couple anymore. We are a crossdressing couple. I hate that we have to be defined that way. Can't we just be the two of us? It also makes me feel like he is now more important in the relationship than I am. It's all about him and his crossdressing. Always and forever.

It is natural to be despondent that you find yourself falling outside the comforting zone of normalcy, life just seems that bit harder now. But in reality the majority of people have something in their lives or relationships that is "not normal" so you are not alone, you are having feelings that most people will experience at sometime in their lives.

Who is defining you as a crossdressing couple? If nobody else knows, it it you yourself that is defining your relationship this way? Your boyfriend has not changed but your perception of him has, maybe you are the only one who is thinking this way.

When you are feeling down, think to yourself - what exactly is wrong with a man wearing a dress? If you cannot come up with a good answer then maybe there is nothing wrong so what exactly are you fighting against? Your boyfriend is not the enemy, crossdressing is not the enemy, are you not battling yourself?

Crossdressing should never define a relationship, it is a means of self expression for your boyfriend which should not be a bad thing. Neither he or you should make this out to be a big deal because compared to the important things in life, it is not important unless you guys make it otherwise. If you feel he is being too self-indulgent then let him know directly. The worst thing you can do is to please him by saying everything is fine while you are churning up inside.

Your boyfriend for sure wants you to be comfortable with crossdressing so he will go out of his way to explain and educate and understand your feelings. He is scared that you will reject him. Take advantage of this and don't shy away from crossdressing because of feelings that this is not normal. Remember, until recently it was not normal for women to go to work or to wear pants etc, don't impose outdated restrictions on what your boyfriend can or cannot express.

The worst thing you can do is to try to control, limit and manipulate his crossdressing. That will only cause arguments and create mistrust and resentment for both of you and drive a wedge between you. The only way to a healthy relationship is through trust and respect and lots of communication. Try to remain positive and think of ways how having a boyfriend who likes to express femininity can bring you closer together.

[TxKimberly]

. . . It also makes me feel like he is now more important in the relationship than I am. It's all about him and his crossdressing. Always and forever. . .

. . . He is the 'crossdresser' and I am the 'significant other.' . . .
. . . Us 'significant others' ARE special, and we deserve a title that displays this. . .

Sobe1ove

Hi Sobe1ove,

First off, I'm sorry your feeling sad regardless of the reason. I hope that it does not last and the sun shines for you soon.
SO is used in far more places than cross dressing. Many companies use the term as well and for many of the same reasons:
Generic reason - there are often people in our lives that are important to us, but that we are not married to. In other words a boyfriend/girlfriend. SO is just a bit more "adult" way of saying it.
TG Reason - When your talking about TG's, some things can get confusing (imagine that). When a male has his physical gender changed to female, she can no longer remain married to another female (by law) and therefore SO sneaks in again. I can think of a few other reasons for use of the term, but I'm sure you can as well.
To my way of thinking, we DO have a title that is special and shows respect for the woman we love - it's called "Wife". :-) I say this with not the least bit of teasing or kidding. To me, "wife" means so much. It means my best friend, the mother of my children, the woman that cares for me when I hurt or am sick, the woman that trusts me to take care of her when she is sick, and the woman I would run into a burning building to try and save.

Of course I can't guess at your future any more accurately than you can, but it may not be so bleak as you think. By the time most of us come out to someone, we have spent 30 to 40 years doing our very best to hide this from everyone. It is such a HUGE part of us and yet we have never been able to talk to anyone about it. You just can't imagine the relief you feel when at long last, you can talk to someone about it, and not just someone, but you can talk to the woman that means so much to you. For most of us, the results are that in the beginning, we talk of just about nothing else. CD this, CD that, I like this dress, I like those shoes, I want to do this, I want to do that . . .
The eventual result is that we drive you absolutely crazy and you desperately want us to shut up about it for a while! (My wife's words)
Like any thing else though, the CD will get the initial flood out and things will calm to close to normal.

Kim (Who these days can go entire days with out menting cross dressing to my wife. . . if I want to . . .if I try I'm sure I can. . . well, I think I can . . .)

[Felix]

Hi Sobe, this is a great thread and I can relate to a lot of what your saying with regard to Yachica who is my 'Life Partner' ohh love that term :thumbsup: She is also on the board and is a 'Great Girl' like that Salandra. To be honest and this is why I like your honesty about this, we don't really like the term 'SO' either but it's an umbrella term. It made it easier when she joined cos then I could say Yachica. I agree that it might help if he was on the board too and then we can help you both. When you have ten posts Hun you can join the 'Great Girls' (GG's) private forum, it's just for you so ya can say how ya feel in private. I do feel for ya Hun cos it's a really big thing and like the others have said communication is so important talkin about how ya both feel so ya can come to some sort of middle ground. I know Yachica finds this hard but we have a laugh and joke about stuff and that gets us through. We tend to watch a lot of documentaries around the subject and that helps a lot. Anyways hope this is of some help xx Felix :hugs:

[rachel_rachel]

Why can't you all just be like the rest of the world and call it what it is.. You are either a wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, not SO as mentioned, it sounds............. wrong.


And i feel that the women are right here.. It is all about "ME" in this community, the wife or or girlfriend is definatly on the outer.
How many here are still in the closet?
How many here are out to their families?
I'm probably pretty fortunate here that my wife does know, and has for about 6 years now, she has tried to make me give it up, but we all know what happens there.... she never threatened to leave me, she just didn't and still doesn't to a degree support what i do. It depends on her mood. She might buy me something, then a week later regret what she did. Sometimes she may try on a pair of shoes or something... she might borrow jewellery, female friends of ours will come around over and i let them go through the bags of clothing that i have, they know they're more than welcome to take it, I have had one friend buy 2 dresses off of me recently... she thinks that i have great taste in clothes, she even wore one of those dresses to a function that we all attended. (that was a buzz)

I probably went off the track a bit there, But there have been more and more goodbye threads of late here, with those saying that the wife is going to leave if i don't stop, some reactions have been, let her go... i can dress 24/7 then. WRONG.
Most have said well that's it, i will try to be a better husband / father, so they should too.
There is always someone saying "you'll be back". If you don't want to outed to the world, you will do as you've been asked.
(Note that i said asked, not told)

For the record, I could quit it all tomorrow if i was to asked to stop. Futhermore, my kids do know i dress up at parties.. but i would never dress when they're around. I always dress when i'm home alone, I have never been out, only to a party the last 2 NYE.

The wife or "SO" as you MUST put it can be your best friend or your worst enemy.... have a really good think about what you'd stand to loose if your wife up and left, maybe a house, kids, money, you could even loose your job... where does that leave you then?

Stop to think here.... you don't have to be under the thumb, just think about what CAN happen if things went pear shaped.

It comes to to one fairly simple thing / word, RESPECT, for yourself and your life partner. Your wife.

[Tree GG]

You're right. I'm definitely having a hard time. Very hard. Sometimes I'm fine. The other night I let him wear a dress of mine and I did his makeup and taught him how. Then today I feel like I can't take any of it.

I'm afraid that this is how life is going to be from now on. :'( That it'll be a rollercoaster and that I wont always accept it.

:hugs: to you, hun. I wish I could tell you it'll all be better soon, but I'd be lying. A good roller coaster is fun because you get the rush & thrills while knowing if it gets too intense, this will be over soon as others are waiting to tempt the fates. CDing has no defined end in sight.

Just when you think you're doing it right, you get slammed with another aspect you didn't see coming or you're told no, that's not enough - the ride may never end.

Hold on to yourself....hold on to the love....let the anger out to him (if it's significant) or to a confidante if it's just a releasing rant. The folks here are pretty good about listening, nodding and then helping you let it go if necessary.

As said earlier, grab all the smiles and warm fuzzies as they come and hold on to them for dear life. They'll get you through the scary, quiet tunnels. :hugs:

[sobe1ove GG]

:hugs: to you, hun. I wish I could tell you it'll all be better soon, but I'd be lying. A good roller coaster is fun because you get the rush & thrills while knowing if it gets too intense, this will be over soon as others are waiting to tempt the fates. CDing has no defined end in sight.

Just when you think you're doing it right, you get slammed with another aspect you didn't see coming or you're told no, that's not enough - the ride may never end.

Hold on to yourself....hold on to the love....let the anger out to him (if it's significant) or to a confidante if it's just a releasing rant. The folks here are pretty good about listening, nodding and then helping you let it go if necessary.

As said earlier, grab all the smiles and warm fuzzies as they come and hold on to them for dear life. They'll get you through the scary, quiet tunnels. :hugs:

Oh wow... that's the most depressing thing ever. I know you were trying to help me, but that just made me sad. I mean...why would I willingly be in a relationship that I know will bring me constant heartache and pain until I die? Because I love him, I guess. But it still sucks.

[Marcie Sexton]

I would hope you would take a closer look at our situations...In my case my wife is my wife, and SO is a term used to refer to her...she has not taken it to heart, and realizes I am in a bit of a different situation than a "conventional" relationship...In my case although I hadn't thought much of it but she is my Special One...:2c:

I hope and wish you all the best in your relationship...

[Tree GG]

Oh wow... that's the most depressing thing ever. I know you were trying to help me, but that just made me sad. I mean...why would I willingly be in a relationship that I know will bring me constant heartache and pain until I die? Because I love him, I guess. But it still sucks.

Wasn't trying to depress you - I am so sorry for that. It won't bring you constant heartache & pain, but it is not a temporary thing either. And it is rarely a slow & steady course. Please re-read the last part about holding onto the love and happy times (there will be those) to sustain you when the road gets bumpy. That's just marriage & life, regardless of whether there's CDing involved.

And I agree - it does suck sometimes. But then there was that month or so where he was happy - really happy. If it happened once, it can happen again, right? :happy:

Many, many of the gurls on here will never fathom just how deeply painful this revelation is to their SO (especially the GG SO's). Why on God's green earth could a man wearing a dress cause anyone any real pain? And they have a valid point, to a degree. However you & I both know the pain is real, it's there and we have to figure out why and how to deal with it. And if there is truly unselfish love between you & your bf, you'll find the way to make sure that is the #1 priority.

[aj_gg]

Oh wow... that's the most depressing thing ever. I know you were trying to help me, but that just made me sad. I mean...why would I willingly be in a relationship that I know will bring me constant heartache and pain until I die? Because I love him, I guess. But it still sucks.

One thing I've learned thus far is not to dwell on the bad but rather find the good. Nathan and I talk and find places in this ride in which we can both be comfortable and grow from each other. I am taking my little steps and he's there to catch me when I fall. I think of it as being a toddler, but even toddlers have their happy moments too. (I'm going to run with this analogy) When a toddler is learning to walk they toddle around and fall quite often and this does hurt them on occasion. They cry and pout for a bit but they are resilient and back to normal and working until they can walk for moments and then run.

Now I'm not saying that there will ever be a 'normal' by societal standards, but there will develop a sense of normalcy between the two of you. I haven't quite found that place for Nathan and I but it's coming. This will not be a constant heart ache or pain but as you both work this out it will become better for the both of you.

Definitely take some time to talk and address the issues that you are having. Everything will work out as long as you both are working together.

[terri jane]

hey sobe, not having a wife that agrees with my dressing i think hubbie should go to the ends of the earth to make you feel a part of his life. i have tried and wish i could be accepted but alas. bol

[Felix]

Hi Rachel, I don't know about anybody else but I know for myself I do put Yachica first and I do think that it is so important that we are equal in our relationship. At the begining she knew that once I did what I wanted regards my appearance then I would probably continue until I found the look I wanted. I have been very careful dressing and I know that if she was uncomfortable about something I would make some effort to do it in another room until she felt more comfortable with it. I've left a lot to her and have never forced anything upon her. I am lucky that she has been so accepting of me 'Felix' even though there are many things I know she finds hard. I do consider others like my family my parents etc if I was a selfish transgendered person with total disregard for others I would not be so careful of how I tread with this such an emotive and important part of my life. I have been a rebel in the past when I came out as lesbian and I have learned many hard lessons because of this. Good lessons I had to learn. Now although I have thought about this road I am traveling I could be rebellious again and not think about all the important ppl in my life but I know that would be a road to disaster and I would loose those dear to me, I could not bare that again!! So I will not ME ME ME at all at any point because of all the above. Sorry if I've ranted but this has really touched a raw nerve for me :sad: xx Felix :hugs: