Rediscovery. Has this happened to others? [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

kerrianna

04-13-2007, 01:32 AM

I'm just wondering if anyone else here has had a similar experience as me.

You see, when I was very little I wanted to be a girl. I verbalized it, not a lot, but enough that I remember doing so. I played with the girls - they were my best friends and we played their games. I played dolls with them. I dressed in their clothes once in awhile. (got in major trouble for doing that too once) All this before hitting puberty.

Then things changed. When they hit puberty my girl friends all decided they liked real boys and I lost them as friends. Instead I hung out with my 3 brothers and their mostly male friends, so I become a bit more like a 'normal' boy, playing war games, a bit of sports (but not organized sports - I never fit in with a team of boys), talking about girls and having crushes on them. (actually I guess I always had crushes, even in kindergarten I recall)

I never stopped crossdressing though, and in my teens it took on a sexual dimension. That has been the way it has been for most of my life. Both my 2 LTR partners knew about it and were cool with what I considered merely a 'kink'. I've never purged or felt overly guilty about it, maybe a bit shamed and secretive though.

Last year I pushed the thing into the open a bit and everything changed dramatically and quickly. Finding this site was a real catalyst too, as I realized that there was a lot more to my dressing than I ever thought. Suddenly all those memories when I was young that I had hidden away came back, and as I've explored and expressed my feminine nature I am finding that it is deep and profound, to the point where I consider myself TG for sure and nearly TS, although I haven't really hated my male body or felt trapped in the wrong body. But I am right back to where I was at the age of 5, standing in my driveway and wailing to the world "I wish I had been born a girl!"

From what I've seen it's really unusual for someone to feel so strongly mis-gendered, yet live most of their lives in ignorance of that. I knew I was odd, bit messed up, but I thought a lot of it was from family stuff. I see now that it's more than that - a lot of my emotional suffering over the years has been because I could never fit in with the guys and wasn't able to be one of the girls, where I am most comfortable.

This has blown my mind. I don't know where I'm going now, but I do know I like where I am better than at any point in my life. But has this happened to anyone else here? Have you found out later in life that you are TG or TS?

deniedtoo

04-13-2007, 01:49 AM

Kerri, interesting question.

I know looking back that there were some indicators. And a lot of your "experiences" matched mine, but I always thought that they were for different reasons.

There are about four or so distinct occasions that I remember trying/being intrigued by en femme in my youth. I had some step sisters that dressed me up when I was about somewhere between 10 and 12. I never resisted at all, and think I convinced myself that I was doing it to gain their favour, not because I 'actually' liked it. There were other more private events too, but I typically dismissed them as "sexual / curiosity".

I definitely related more to the girls than boys while growing up, but was only accepted by them when they need info (i.e. about one of my friends that they were dating). When it came to romance, I was always "a good friend", and could never make it past that. And I never liked organized sports at all (even though I was pretty good at some).

I still do prefer conversations with women than most men. Most of my male friends are very open-minded, and typically have high I.Q.'s. (I think those 2 really go hand-in-hand). Historically, I haven't made friends easily, and the ones that I do make, become pretty damn permanent.

All the while that this was going on, I was also dealing with depression. It's only in the past 7 years that I finally admitted that this was a problem for me, and in the past year I was diagnosed (accurately i do believe) with bi-polar depression. For the past 8 weeks I've been on a very strong anti-depressant. It seems to be working. I haven't felt this "good" for this long, that I can ever remember.

So, with this "good" feeling, my mind has been clearer, and I have much more energy. I can actually look back at this things... and go hmmmmmmm?!

I am 34 years old this past March, and I think that I am just starting to really look at who I am.

Denied

P.S.

Isn't it past your bedtime? :dom:

kerrianna

04-13-2007, 01:56 AM

P.S.

Isn't it past your bedtime? :dom:

LOL, not quite midnight, I have a couple more minutes before I turn back into a boy. :sad:

And if you're going to be using a whip maybe I should stay up. :heehee:

Thanks for the post Denied. Glad the meds are working so well. Yeah, there's often a bunch of other stuff going on too which makes figuring things out harder. I haven't been able to see my therapist for a few weeks, so maybe that will help when I get back to her soon.

deniedtoo

04-13-2007, 02:09 AM

My therapist, is on the VERY long list of people that I have not discussed my CDing with.:hmmm:

{and if it's a whipping you need (want :battingeyelashes:) then get in line behind Tamara..she is just getting out of control with power. I saw she cancelled your CC.com credit card... first my wigs.. Now THIS! :gg:}

Kate Simmons

04-13-2007, 03:59 AM

I always took it in stride Kerri. As a boy, I knew I was a girl but I still liked to do "boy" stuff. Thinking about it, I guess subconsciously I compromised and just always considered myself a tomboy. Even so, I always seemed to get along with the girls better and related to them better. One of the problems I had was that when we got to puberty, I started to feel attracted to some of my neighborhood guy friends the way a girl would feel. I remember endless hours of dreaming about being a bride and "shoes and rice" with one of my friends especially. This kind of scared me as I knew feelings like this were not "normal", so I repressed that part of myself and those feelings. I shudder to think what might have happened if my friend ever guessed what I was thinking.
I went through work and the Army as a "guy" but never feeling quite right and always had feelings of wanting to be a girl. It kind of culminated when I met my future wife and I decided to give the "guy" thing a chance. I loved my wife and we seemed to be the "picture perfect" couple on the surface at least. Deep down, however, I secretly wanted to be a girl and was secretly crossdressing. This went on for years (with my wife knowing about my CDing of course but never approving) until finally in 2001, with the children being grown, I came out openly as my femme self.
Well, this went over like a lead baloon and I lost most of my family and friends over it because I would not let it go. Despite the Church and my friends urging me it was "wrong". How can something that is such a big part of me be "wrong" I reasoned. That brings me to where I am today. In touch with myself and my feelings but basically alone. What price victory? Sometimes you just have to make a choice. I love my wife and she loves me but I can never go back to denying who I am. It just doesn't work any more.:straightface:

CheriTV2006

04-13-2007, 04:06 AM

Hi Kerianna, I could relate to your post for sure. Looking back after all the years (I'm 48), what "blows me away" is the previous amount of emotional pre-occupation and frequency with gender-related issues in and out of relationships/friendships since little. Also, I have to agree with you ... it's been emotionally trying going through the years as an "in-betweenie." In my case, both males/females eventually get "weirded-out" around me due to all this once I open my mouth apart from my male appearance. Take care, your not alone...Cheri.

Felix

04-13-2007, 06:56 AM

Hi Kerri my friend hope ya don't mind me contributing. When I think back to being a child I always wanted to do the boy things with my dad and my mum hated that. She used to try to stop me and tell my dad off. I always played with the boys never had lots of girl friends and don't remember having lots of dolls lol I liked action figures best. I always felt different and always fancied the girls. I always envied the boys. I used to watch like films about Romans and stuff and imagine myself in their clothes the men's obviously. I always wanted to do things like a boy use ya imagination here :o It never felt strange really and I did think I wanted to be a boy. I came to the conclusion that I must be gay cos I wanted to be with women more and only looked for a boyfriend cos my Mum shoved me in the closet when I was about 12 and tried to tell her I was gay. The boys were always fem who I got with which tells me I still really wanted women. Well I got married to a ******* stupid me. I knew on my wedding night I had done the wrong thing but I was taught ya make ya bed ya lay in it. So I tried to make the most of things. I wanted children so that's where that comes in. The marriage was horrible and in the end I couldn't keep the lid on my desire to be with a woman. I had told him I was Bi early on so I didn't lie but as time went on I realized I wasn't and that actually I just wanted to be with a woman. I have been with my Life long partner for 6 years now and wouldn't change that for the world.
All the stuff from my childhood has come back though and it has been Yachica who has questioned and made me question a lot of things about myself to the point where I am now calling myself genderqueer and being somewhere along the transgender spectrum. So Kerri Hun I can relate to what ya saying in ya post and thank you for sharing xx Felix :hugs:

Marcie Sexton

04-13-2007, 07:04 AM

You don't mention your age, but if you're in the age group of my generation, Baby Boomer...you just didn't talk about that stuff...if you were born as a male, you were a male...

When I finally figured out what and who I was there was a price to pay...But with love and understanding I found out what a lovely woman I am inside....

Felix

04-13-2007, 07:20 AM

Hi Marcie I am 40 soon to be 41 next month xx Felix :hugs:

LindaTS

04-13-2007, 09:21 AM

Hi Kerrianna,
My life has been somewhat simmilar to yours in that for many years I thought I was a CD. Not that anything is wrong with that. I was fairly content with this and never really gave much thought to anything else. Then came my first PC and the internet about 7 or 8 years ago. All of the information available to me was almost overwhelming. Finally I decided to find out just who I really was. After being tested it was discovered that I was a TS and my doctor wholeheartly agrees. WOW But there is a couple of problems that I'm not able to overcome, one being my heart. There is no way I could ever do the surgery without a very high risk so that's out of the question. At this point, I'm now 68, I'm trying very hard to get to the point I can live full time. Even this will be something that may never come to pass. At least now I spend about 90 to 95% of the time as a women and am developing nice breasts. It would be great to go further but at least I'm fairly happy with my situation. I hope that if you're TG, or TS if you prefer, that you can do something about it soon. Good luck.

Deborah_UK

04-13-2007, 09:46 AM

kerrianna,

I can totally relate to your intial post, in fact I could have written it myself!!

I used to go to bed as a small child (5 or 6 I guess) and pray and pray until I could not stay awake, that in the morning God would have realised the mistake he made, and I'd wake up as a little girl.

Yet when I hit puberty (although I still had crossdressing feelings) I was a real "lad", played football (soccer), cricket, drank beer, chased after girls - yet there was always somethingelse there.

It wasn't until about 8 years ago, after many years of crossdressing (and 1 failed marriage and several failed relationships) that I finally realised my true self again - the same feelings that I'd had at 5 - but complicated now by the start of a new relationship with someone who accepted my crossdressing.

So 8 years on - (or indeed 46 years on) I'm still no nearer being the girl I've longed to be.

Sorry for rambling on - but your post struck such a chord.

Maggie Kay

04-13-2007, 09:48 AM

There is a well documented phenomenon of late developing TG/TS. It commonly occurs in mid life ( ~45-50) and there is often only a little interest in the younger years. It was this way for me. My first and favorite Halloween costume was a witch where my mother made a finely crafted black dress for me. I won a prize with my costume. That was in second grade and I was 7 or so. When I became a teen and discovered feelings for romance, I focused on my girlfriends and later my wife. With only a few exceptions, I was pretty much non TG for most of my adult life.

However, at 34, I started wearing panties full time for about three years. Then for reasons I cannot explain, I stopped for ten years. One day, my wife gave me a pair of black satin VS panties. They were ones that I had just bought for her. She, said "You really want to have these for yourself, so wear them" . I resisted for a while but gave in and it was one of the most incredible moments of my life.

It has been like hitting the warp speed ever since. I am fully, TG now with hormones and women's clothes 24/7. B cup on top. I have tried to stop many many times and have prayed countless times to have this aspect removed from me but to no avail. Now, I pray to bear it well. Reconciling the inner need to be female against the world screaming "NO", is impossible. All I can do is be who I am with dignity and grace.

stormrider

04-13-2007, 10:41 AM

I can relate to many of your statements. Since my first memories, I always felt that I was cheated by not being a girl. I never expressed it openly in those word though because I was too scared of my father. I didn;t even admit it to myself until one day in 1976 when I blurted out "I want to spend my life as a woman, not a man!" Of course this was done alone while driving through another state with the windows rolled up. BUT, I at least started dealing with it on a personal level. We all have to be true to ourselves. Sometimes life dictates that we have to do things that we don't want to. That doesn't mean we deny ourselves the life, we just adapt our life to the dictates.

KatieC

04-13-2007, 11:49 AM

I feel like I'm in a period of rediscovery now. As I think I mentioned in my introductory post last week, during the 3-year engagement with my (now) wife she was back in her home country while I was in graduate school/working. That's when I had my first serious bout of gender confusion. I think my wife and I even talked a little bit about it, way back then, although I never confessed that I had been doing some cross dressing during that time period. Just that part of me wished I had been born a girl. But it wasn't the cards I was dealt, and since she's more important to me than anything, I decided that I would put all of that behind me and move on in full "male/husband" mode.

Except, apparently, one can't just decide like that. And now that my female side is re-emerging, I'm remembering things I had done/wanted that I've been repressing for a decade-plus. And seeing things from my teen years in a very different light, things that I now realize were foreshadowings of cross dresser yearnings, that I had always dismissed as just your typical guy's sexual explorations.

I don't know if I wanted to be a girl so much as a kid -- I didn't really think much of the difference between girls and boys until puberty. I do know that I never fit in with the guys, and always related to girls better. (Except for a year or so in elementary school when I thought girls were weird.)

I've never been attracted to guys, though. I wondered if maybe I secretly was, during that long engagement period. But after a lot of soul searching, I knew that wasn't it.

Now, though . . . Part of me still wishes I had been born a girl. The more rational part of me knows that if I had been, I wouldn't have met my wife, much less ever married her and had wonderful children that I love. If there were a time-machine that let one go back and "fix" the past, I wouldn't use it. But there certainly are days that I wish there was some magic that would let me switch between being a "real girl" and being a "real guy" . . .

Teresa Amina

04-13-2007, 12:17 PM

Have you found out later in life that you are TG or TS?

Ooooh! Your story hits close to home, I relate to so much of it. It's interesting that we can go through decades without realising what this is all about, but then back in the olden-days of the '60s and '70s you mentioned this stuff at your peril. After being "discovered" a couple times, and the very hostile reaction, it got buried deep. But the signs were there and very obvious in retrospect. Finding this site was truly an awakening, but at first I didn't quite get it; I had this deep "wannabe" thing going on which many (even most) didn't share. I hadn't read anything about truly Trans isues before and it took awhile to "get it". Now I see myself as definitely Trans- Something and it all makes sense.

Josephine 1941

04-13-2007, 12:23 PM

Hi Kerrianna,

Later in life at a family function one of my aunts said to me in a private conversation that I had been rasied as a girl by my parents until I went to school. I question her on the why an what for, I new that I liked wearing girls cloths. My parents had passed away so this was news to me . Thru the 50 until the 80s I did I am asumming like a lot of us did ,buy cloths shoe manly heels feel guilty,throw them away the urge comes back. My second wife I told her of my feelings in part OK but not in front of her. Then of course you are a closet queen, if she gose out an the kids are a sleep or in there rms. You dress , slip into the bath rm to put on make up,back to the bed rm. You look at your self some times good some not to good. Sexual things happen then the guilt, take off the cloths an vow never to do it again, until the next time. The second divorce in progress I then talk with a nut doc, an spill my guts told I am not nuts I am not alone in my wants an that there are others . Join a support group welcome to this support group a lot of your question will be answerd. I belonged to COS in CT and I am going to my first Tri-Beta/Tri-ess meeting this Sat. I belive I am my self, a person that likes to dress in MY CLOTHS. What ever style I prefer to wear, I feel that when you get to the point of MY CLOTHS your world will change. The question ???????? am I TS or TG again I will pose this Question to all??????????? IS A SOUL MALE OR FEMALE.

JOSEPHINE

kerrianna

04-13-2007, 01:04 PM

Wow, so many great responses. Thank you everyone...I really was thinking I was a freak haha. :heehee:

I just want to take a sec to respond to a couple of things people said.

First off Josephine, I don't believe that a soul is entirely male or female, and so this helps when I get those deep pangs about wanting to transition and being unable to. I realize that it's okay for me to be both. And I am hoping to connect with more support - it's just very limited where I am so I have to travel. My therapist has already suggested it though because it's not her area of expertise.

Teresa, you said it exactly. It's taken me a while to 'get it', but this site and all the great people on it have helped. One thing I've found here is that this forum represents people in ALL ranges of CD/TG/TS so as I get more familar with things I've started to see where I fall among the scale. It is much further along than I ever imagined.

Katie, that's a great point about not wanting to go back. I've thought of that too. I was a randy young man seeking an older woman when I met Carol. :p I never would have met her if I hadn't have been who I was at the time.

Stormrider (We all have to be true to ourselves. Sometimes life dictates that we have to do things that we don't want to. That doesn't mean we deny ourselves the life, we just adapt our life to the dictates) Well said. :hugs:

Kay, couldn't have said it better: (All I can do is be who I am with dignity and grace.)

Deborah, you weren't rambling. I know just how you feel. :hugs: It's not easy is it?

Linda, wow, quite a surprise huh? I guess the internet has been the primary conduit for me to discover this stuff. Before I lived in a lot of ignorance of gender issues. I just had no clue what was going on. I didn't even think about it that much, just did things thinking I was perverted or something. :rolleyes: I'm glad you have been able to live your life more fully. It gives me hope.

Marcie, I am 48. Yes boom boom. And you're right. We didn't talk about this stuff. Growing up, TG/TS stuff was seen in the same light as circus freaks. I have learned so much differently now.

Felix, glad you posted. I meant this thread for everyone, guess I should have said. Thank you for sharing. You've come a long way. :hugs:

Thanks Cheri :hugs: You're the same age as me, so I feel a kinship. I'm glad I'm not alone.

Salandra, I was hoping you would post to this. Sorry to hear about how much fallout you have had, but I've known you to be a fascinating, strong, self-directed person who is always open and giving. You teach me so much about personal growth and exploration. And you don't shy away from the ugly stuff. You are an inspiration to me. :hugs:

and Denied ...do you have a death wish? Tamara will eat you up and spit you out for breakfast. Or do you have the goods on her? :devil: Anyway, you have made a lively and interesting addition to the family. I wasn't going to tell my therapist about the TG thing either, then realized it's underpinning so much of what I'm going through that it would be silly of me not to tell. I'm finding I need to get more of this out in the open. I'm trying to go slow, but it's frustrating after 48 years not to try and make up for lost time.

Thanks everyone - that was a long sec I took.... as usual. :heehee:

LindaTS

04-13-2007, 01:53 PM

Having just read all of the latest postings I find that there are many women like me. The one thing that I'd like to say is "Never give up girls. We may just make it". God, I hope so. The very best to all of you.

Kate Simmons

04-13-2007, 02:04 PM

Gersh Ma'am, you've got me all blushing and everything:blushing: (or is it the niacin?). Anyway, I calls 'em as I sees 'em Hon. It's not always a bed of roses but definately worth the effort.:love: Sal

deniedtoo

04-13-2007, 10:33 PM

;and Denied ...do you have a death wish? Tamara will eat you up and spit you out for breakfast. Or do you have the goods on her? :devil:

Well, you know, having depression can make you suicidal from time to time..hmmmm... nah.. Tammy's a pussycat... (she doesn't know where i live.. right?:happy: )

Anyway, you have made a lively and interesting addition to the family.

Awww.. ty kerri. :hugs:

I wasn't going to tell my therapist about the TG thing either, then realized it's underpinning so much of what I'm going through that it would be silly of me not to tell. I'm finding I need to get more of this out in the open. I'm trying to go slow, but it's frustrating after 48 years not to try and make up for lost time.

I think I'd rather tell my therapist about Tamara than about CDing :D :heehee:

Seriously though, my therapist is back in Wisconsin, so it's too late to tell her much about it. I should actually start looking for one here too. Just because i've been feeling good for this long, doesn't mean it will continue indefinitely.

Wow, so many great responses. Thank you everyone...I really was thinking I was a freak haha. .

ok. now just because we are all so much like you doesn't mean that you are not still a freak :tongueout . It just means that you are in great company!! :heehee:

Sally24

04-14-2007, 05:48 PM

There are many in that same boat. I too don't have the classic hate your male body thing that is typical of a TS. But I did consider this just a sexual thing until I got serious about it. I hadn't dressed much at all most of my life, not enough privacy, etc.. Then about 2 years ago started in ernest to do it up right. In short order I discovered that actually doing the dressing, as apposed to fantasising about it, was not a sexual thing. Then I started doing some reading, then going to a therapist. I am maybe slightly past half way on the gender scale. I can function in my male life, but I lean a bit more to female. I can pass in that mode and function also. Transexuals usually transistion because they really can't continue to function in their birth gender. That leaves girls like us in a different place. If you are comfortable with it, you can have your cake and eat it to. For me, an outing once a month, plus mini vacations with the wife en femme are enough. My feminine side gets time to express itself and I find I get more and more comfortable with it as time goes on. You may find that you are able to get to a place where you find this balance. Only you know what feels right for your situation. I wish you luck and happiness on this journey. That is what I have found!

Rikkicn

04-14-2007, 06:39 PM

Rikkicn

04-14-2007, 06:47 PM

IS A SOUL MALE OR FEMALE.

JOSEPHINE

That's the point that I'm really trying to make.
When can get to point that we know, for certain, that we are spiritual begins, our lives blossom and unfold in ways that are joyful and yet unimaginable.
There is a sense of strength, safety and well being from this self discovery.

Rachel Morley

04-14-2007, 06:57 PM

Whilst I know I'm not TS, your story isn't a million miles away from mine. I think we have a lot in common. :happy:
Click here (http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-P8CzasowdaH5WC.GdwVkpuiCrQIk6Jlx?p=5) for my story.

Joy Carter

04-14-2007, 07:51 PM

She's always been with me in varian degrees. I dressed at about age four for what ever reason. I don't recall much about it but I do recall wanting to be a girl. My family life was in upset all the time. My father was not available to me and I stuck to my older sister. I idolized her and wished I was like her. I totaly quit any dressing at puberty, although it was there in the back of my mind. So now after over thirty years of off and on dressing I regret not having found myself till now. Here's to our good future girls.

like2bvickie

04-14-2007, 11:41 PM

Kerri, you might say we are on the same street, although I never played with the girls, I wanted too. I've dreamed of myself as a woman for years, but I
hope I have found a balance in my life since I dress at home all the time now, and I'm getting out in public more. It's not as sexual, the more I dress. I just
like the hose, the heels, the look of my legs. Im happier dressed!!!!!!

:love: Vickie

Billie1

04-15-2007, 05:45 AM

Well, girlz, this is a very interesting thread, with some excellent input. Like the majority, I began this rockin' roller-coaster ride at age 7 or so, well before puberty. When I say roller coaster, it means that it's had it's ups and downs, some thrills and scares (Tho' I don't think any screaming was involved:D) but always well worth the price of admission. Didn't totally understand it then, maybe still don't now, but it just felt like something I had (wanted) to do. As I grew older, the sexual aspect began to come and go, (and still remains, to a degree) but a bi or gay aspect never came into the equation. So just as I realize that there are many shades of gray, I have come to peace with myself that this is just my place in the gender pecking order. I don't have a problem with that. Sure, I would like to expand the expression of my femme persona, but I also realize that the consequences would out-weigh the benefits, so if I "Can't always get what I want, I find sometimes I get what I need" (Sorry, Mick:happy:)

kerrianna

04-25-2007, 04:35 AM

I'm resurrecting a few threads tonight, because I'm pushing a broom around a school these days with too much time to think.

I sometimes wonder how much of my TG discovery isn't just some mid-life crisis? I get worried that maybe I'm making this up as a way of bringing much needed change in my life. I mean, I FEEL these things, and when I look back I see I've always been on this path in some way or another...but it's only since joining this forum that I started thinking seriously about whether I was TG (or :eek: TS?!?). And this all happened at the same time I was trying to break down my old habits and ruts. So am I just making it up? Playing a game? How do I KNOW what's real? I read once that a person is TG if they THINK they are. +?

I remember when Pocoyo was asking these kind of things, like how do you KNOW when you are TS...and here I am in the same place. Maybe it doesn't matter what my motivation is, but some of the things that are driving me are pretty powerful, and I'd hate to screw things up chasing a false dream.

Sometimes I look at my life and think well if I was really TG wouldn't I have twigged by now? But many of you have had similar experiences (thank you all btw :hugs: :love: ).
And I'm remembering more and more things from my childhood now. Especially because right now I'm cleaning in an Elementary school. I had a recall tonight of us kids in school standing in 2 lines outside the gym, seperated into boys and girls, and I was playing a blinking eyes game with a girl across from me :battingeyelashes:, while the rest of the boys looked on with disdain. Then when we went into our seperate changing rooms I recall wishing I could go with the girls. And in the boy's locker I was ganged up on and humiliated to the point where I burst into tears and went to the teacher. I remember the girls looking at me with pity, the boys with scorn, and somewhere in no-person's land I stood. :sad:

Is this a TG memory or is it just social outcast bullying victim? I sometimes think I'm trying to make these memories work into a nice little package that will validate everything I WANT to feel. And then I think maybe they explain a lot. Maybe being TG was the start of it that put me outside the norm. Because I grew up there, outside the norm...I can say that for sure. Everything else is just a muddle in my mind.

Sorry for babbling...I've been thinking too much. Being in the school has brought back a lot of memories of how much I hung out with the girls and how happy I was. Then our paths diverged. :(

Kate Simmons

04-25-2007, 05:14 AM

Funny you should say that Kerrianna. This is exactly what my wife said to me when I came out as my femme self 6 years ago, that I was going through a mid life crisis. Makes you wonder sometimes, especially when a lot of us here are older. Is it indeed a "second childhood"? The childhood we wanted but never really got because of our birth sex? Or are we simply more in charge of our lives and exploring our options and getting more in touch with our real selves?
I do find this to be true, that I am freer and more open with myself and more tolerant than ever. Maybe now that we are older (and more unencumbered), we really have the opportunity and freedom to explore who we really are. This is one reason I haven't locked myself in with a label. The truth is, there simply may not be a "label" for the kind of person I am. When we seek to fulfill some definition, we are limiting ourselves and our abilities when the truth is , there may be no real definition.
The real adventure is moving forward without "markers" into terra incognita. Well, I'm an explorer at heart, so I guess I thrive on that but not everyone is that self confident. Really, what else can anyone do to me at this point? I've served my country, I've put my time into work all my life and I've done good by my family. What is left really except self exploration? Now the REAL work begins.:happy:

Teresa Amina

04-25-2007, 07:44 AM

Mid-life Crisis is a nasty little box created to shame people into "behaving". There you are, finally coming to grips with what life (and yourself) are all about, and your self-discoveries are trashed- "Pull yourself together (and get back to work)". People who use this against you are just scared- for themselves. If you can (apparently all at once, even though it's a lifelong struggle) start changing your life so dramatically what will happen to them?
There is some danger of "false memories". WE tend to read a lot, and to actually think about what we read. It goes in our heads and bounces around, mixing with other things. It can get subtly adopted and changed, looking, if we're not careful, like an actual memory. But we can sort all this out by being as honest as possible with ourselves- a tough job sometimes.

04-25-2007, 07:55 AM

hi kerrianna
yes it did and almost the same story except i went on hormones and saving for the surgery , very good thread thank you

melissaK

04-25-2007, 10:19 AM

Mid-life Crisis is a nasty little box created to shame people into "behaving".

yes. personal growth should be a lifelong process. experience accumulates, insights grow. should be called mid-life awakening.

kerrianna a few of my stories in therapy match yours - I was ordered by 3rd grade teachers to stop playing with the girls and to go play with the boys - a traumatic event beyond measure as it lost me all my meaningful friendships and it isolated me terribly in the same 'no persons land' you mention. these memories are like an old scar that you occassionally run your fingers across and recall how it came to be.

my mind is as muddled as yours by all this, but thanks for resurrecting this thread, its been a good read and I missed it first time around.

hugs lads & lasses,
'lissa
___________________________________________
"one handful of mud at a time"

kerrianna

04-25-2007, 03:31 PM

Thanks for your replies Salandra, Theresa, MJ and Melissa.

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

It's nice to know I'm not alone or crazy. I know that what counts is how I feel, what's important to me and, as you like to say Salandra :happy: , what works for me.

I guess I'm trying to doublecheck on my feelings, because they are so powerful and they do make some of my days more difficult, although they have made my life more joyous and free overall.

When I look back at my timeline I realize I never stopped crossdressing, from an early age onward. I never even thought about stopping. It was like a compulsion, but a secretive, somewhat shameful one. But because I had started at such an early age it always seemed like a part of my life, which is why I managed to let both my LTR partners know about it right away. It was so important to me. I just never thought about it, but just did it.

I grew up thinking a transgendered person was a freak. That was how we were protrayed in society. To this day the word transvestite still makes me cringe. Social conditioning I guess. And feeling out of sorts as it was, the last thing I wanted was to be really marginalized. So I tried hard to fit in and play the game, and along the way carved out a pretty interesting individual; I was pretty happy being me, or so I thought. But because I wasn't being totally honest with myself (out of ignorance more than anything) I ended up at the dead end. My escape, to me, has been nothing short of spectacular, and almost overnight...like someone lifted a shroud off me so I could see clearly all those things I had been hearing around me, not understanding what they were or where I was.

So naturally I have to question how does this happen, because I can't think of any experience like it in my life.

One thing I can say with certainty is I am grateful forever that it happened, that it happened now. Like I said, it has brought some very deep emotional and mental turmoil, but more than that it has brought me for the first time in my life a sense of acceptance of myself, joy and love of others. All in all a good deal, and I guess I'm okay with not knowing everything. Being emotionally open and raw is part of my reconnecting (I was a huge crybaby when I was a kid, cried myself out by the time I was in my mid-20's - got my crybaby mojo back lol) so some days, or nights like last night, I feel very sad and confused and self-doubting. That's why it's nice to have you folks to come to and cry on your shoulders. :happy: :hugs: :love:

NewBetty

04-25-2007, 04:08 PM

I played with the girls - they were my best friends and we played their games. I played dolls with them.
Suddenly all those memories when I was young that I had hidden away came back, and as I've explored and expressed my feminine nature I am finding that it is deep and profound. I see now that a lot of my emotional suffering over the years has been because I could never fit in with the guys and wasn't able to be one of the girls, where I am most comfortable.

Has this happened to anyone else here? Have you found out later in life that you are TG or TS?

Yeah, I played with and felt more comfortable with the girls right through my 20s. And tho early on in our relationship my wife enjoyed offering me the chance to share her undies, camis, hose etc it was really more a sexual thing for us. So embracing it so intensely now later in life has come as a bit of a shock. Probably shouldn't have, I've been remembering that years ago when I was in a band I used to dress more androgynous (low cut jeans, baby doll tees, flowing shirts, an electric blue shiny top, scarves, lil' purple velvet jacket) and I'd kinda forgotten about that...at the time I just thought it was, ya know, rock n roll. Always did have a somewhat unconventional attitude about sexual stereotypes.

BTW:Kerrianna; Please feel free to PM me if you need/want to talk about more personal stuff.