here we go again ....

[Wendy me]

today just before my wife left to go over her mom's house she came out with the your hair is too long you look like a girl ..... in a snippy way... she has know abought my dressing and is not supportive at all...well her comments hurt ... and i spoke up and said please stop always saying something hurtful ... abought me .... if you want to talk then lets talk .... when ever and abought anything you like but this has got to stop .....

her choice if she ever accepts this or not ... i love her with all my heart , i would never force this on her ... nor make her uncomfy with this .... i don't flaunt this in her face and don't get pushy with trying to get her more involved ....

i don't ask her permission nor do i think i need to for me to be Wendy ... this is me this is a huge part of who i am ..... that sorta thing just is and it's in who you are ......what i want more than anything in my life is for my wife to try to understand me .... it won't be easy as i don't fully understand all of me yet ....... but that just might never happen and as much as that might not happen ... it's as OK with me as it has to be.......

just would be very cool to not talk in a non negative way abought this for once....and yes i know that some of her comments are not meant to hurt but her way of trying to deal with this and some of them are done out of fear of what she just might find out if she chose to know more ....

all ... well most of our time together i have tryed to be open and honest and respect her just every now and then we hit a snag this one we always hang up on.....

sorry had to get this out lol am i crazy ???? who knows abought tomorrow we still are working on today..........:tongueout :tongueout :tongueout

[Kate Simmons]

I understand your feelings Wendy, my wife is exactly the same way. Always close minded, never wanting to talk about it, always afraid she will find out more. This is one of the reasons we are not together now because the subject was always closed as far as she was concerned. I realize I could have handled things differently myself and instead of coming out blatently like I did 6 years ago, come out gradually but quite honestly, it was killing me holding all of this in and I could no longer pretend to be someone I was not.
The bottom line is my wife wants me as a man no holds barred and wants absolutely nothing to do with someone who has feminine feelings for a relationship. My own personality dynamics are changing as we speak and it may well be that I will eventually give up CDing and be my male self exclusively but it has to happen naturally and on my terms and not pretending to fulfill someone else's expectations of who I should be.
Like you, I just wish she would consider talking about it but at this point that has about as much chance as a snowball surviving in hell. I can only take things a day a a time and I love her and always will of course but it is damn frustrating.:straightface:

[Daintre]

Wendy, it would be oh so nice if you had a supporting mom, but it looks like that is not the case. I read your posts and see a person who gives so selflessly, always on the go helping all of those around you. I think we all want that special relationship with our moms, their acceptance is so important to us, second to our spouses. :hugs:

[Angie G]

It's to bab she is like that she is missing mare then she knows a goog girl friend for one agoog shopping partner the lovely person the is Wendy.
Hope it gets better for you hun :hugs:
Angie

[Di]

sorry had to get this out lol am i crazy ???? who knows abought tomorrow we still are working on today..........:tongueout :tongueout :tongueout



Hon you are not crazy...you just are such a caring wonderful person....I just hope she one day sees....all this makes up the wonderful caring person you are.I love the line...who knows about tomorrow we are still working on today. How true that is for everyone...love ya hon:hugs:

[Sharon]

I heard it all when I was a teenager and had hair down to my butt, so nothing fazes me today. What I get comments about nowadays is how I should style my hair.:happy:

Just do what I do with my mother, Wendy -- "yes, Mother," and then change the subject. :p

[Karren H]

That stinks, Wendy.... Even if she was just neutral with it, it would be better for everyone.... Hope things change for the best...

Love Karren

[Holly]

Wendy, if it happenes again, just go up to her and put your arms around her and say, "I love you, mom." I'll bet it won't take too long for you to notice a change in her attitude.

[Wendy me]

lol were did my mom get in this mess????? ..... lol my wife not my mom ..... lol silly you's.....

[Kate Simmons]

lol were did my mom get in this mess????? ..... lol my wife not my mom ..... lol silly you's.....I think you confused 'em in the beginning Wendy but by reading I got the meaning of what you were saying.:happy:

[DawnRodgers]

Wendy,
Know how you feel hon. Kind of in the same situation - lack of acceptance and refusal to understand. Yet I can't fully blame her. She didn't sign up for this and nothing in her experience has made her ready for this. As much my fault, or even more my fault, because although I was a occassional dresser before marraige it really expoded like 10 years later and I never fully revealed Dawn for 20 years after the marraige.
She is uncomfortable with it, has never fully accepted my feminine side and likely never will. I think she keeps hoping I'll get over it. In fact, I want more and more to experience the female side of my being. So we go along as best we can. She seldom sees Dawn and I take opportunities whenever I can, and on the QT, to become Dawn. We are still in love - been married for over 40 years and still enjoy each others company and our lived as she wants them to be. Would I like to live as Dawn fulltime? I think I would like to try. I find it compfortable and somehow natural to be Dawn. Nade up, dressed up fully feminine. Will I? Likely not. I have accepted this as the result of decisions made and that I will definitely live by. Will I have regrets? Sometimes but the balance of life, and the commitments I have made are important to me. More important than the specter of the dissolution of our marraige.
I do think that if anything happened to split us apart though, that I would gladly, at any age, transition to Dawn and live as a woman 24/7. Hey, life is a continuum of compromises and change.
Dawn

[stormrider]

Wendy, we all look for acceptance for who we are in our relationships with our SO. Just being a nice person isn't enough for them sometimes. You can't change who you are and she is frustrated that she can't change you. You will have to accept ths and go on. Look for the things in your lives that you two do enjoy together and try to engage in them more. If she can't let go of her disgust and dislike for Wendy, she has chosen to be the loser. I can say easily now because I am over a relationship like that, but I know now that the choice of acceptance lies not with you. Take care hon

Michelle

[paulaN]

stormrider said.You can't change who you are and she is frustrated that she can't change you. Wow did that hit the nail on the head. Stop and think about this. How many of us are truly head of the house hold. I don't know about most of you but I lost control of that a long time ago.
Dear can I go fishing tomorrow?
honey I thought (we) would go out tonight.
this weekend (we) have to plant flowers in the garden.
(We) are taking the kids where ever.
(We) need a new rug in the living room.
Then the one saying that I truly hate. I mean hate the worst of all...... Honey I've been thinking...... OHHHH that one really gets me in trouble. My point is that woman want to control our lives and they do a really good job of it for the most part. So it just comes natural for them to want to control our cross dressing too. And they can't.
Ok nuff said the rant is over. point well taken. ttyl

[Holly]

:redface: ... same advice, though:D .
lol were did my mom get in this mess????? ..... lol my wife not my mom ..... lol silly you's.....

[Carin]

Yes it hurts,

That may be all you can do, continue to le her know when she can be hurtful. She may ge it ieventually. Don't try to keep it bottled up inside though. THat won't do ither of you and good.

When you need to let it out, we are here for you.

[Wendy me]

thanks every one truly lol... yes at one time i thought i was in charge lol she is she always will be i guess ..... just don't tell her ... she is afraid of the un known i am sure .... baffles me to no end over the years the things we went through together some thing as easy and simple as a little coding could be such a big deal...... some day we will get through this i am sure..... btw she just came home .... with a new short hair cut ...( she keeps hers short) i told her i love it ...... she gave me the look lol .... round two???.....

[az_azeel]

Hi Wendy....
Time to stand your ground...I think..I know it can be hard but if she is not willing to talk..then its her loss..At the end of the day you are what you are. Do you have any other problems when you talk to her or is it just the c/ding?

Take Care

Az_azeel

[Tina Dixon]

Wendy I'm so glad your sharing your problem with us it does help to be able to tell some one even online people, I hope things do work out but it sure don't sound good, it's strange the diffrent reactions we het from our wifes and girl friends, some love it, some hate it, and some act like it never happened.

[Kate Simmons]

Even with all I said before, I had to empathize with my wife's feelings, she did marry a man after all. Once, she got so angry, she took our entire set of dinner plates (or so she thought) threw them on the floor and broke them and stormed outside in tears. This was precipitated by one of my CD "episodes". I noticed that she had missed a plate. She came back inside after she cooled off and was visibly shaking. As she was coming in the kitchen, I picked up the unbroken plate and said:"you missed one" and then threw it on the floor and broke it. She looked at me, hugged me and we stood there crying and laughing together. We really connected that day for a brief moment in time. Later we went out shopping together and bought new dinnerware. Sorry, I just got misty eyed remembering that tender moment.:straightface:

[Pamela75s]

Wendy, I think I can relate with you. There are times that my wife will go off the deep end about things and then it makes it hard to talk to her about anything. She is very intelligent and will find any information she needs when she does not understand something. I try at times to talk to her about crossdressing and it ends up me talking and she does nothing or goes on to say she does not care what I do. I have come to accept this for myself and I am very comfortable in who I am. We have a very large home so I do have the space that I can pursue my feminine side, which she says she does not care about me dressing. All of our children are grown and gone. I am not sure what she would be afraid of, for her not to want to look for information to answer her questions. It has been very lonely, I am very grateful for this forum.
Have a good day
Pamela

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Wendy, it would be oh so nice if you had a supporting mom

Interesting freudian slip.
Kew

[Wendy me]

interesting ....see i never told my wife before we were married over the years she kinda got them clues.... it's been known for a long while now that i do this...a while ago i spoke the words i like to wear women's clothing .... she was like the look you said it..... i mean we both knew but never spoke abought it....

i always Waite for the prefect time to bring it up for more talk ... something always comes up ... so never the right time... and thats OK ... maybe their is no right time .... i can be in my "him" side kinda outspoken and have no trouble getting my point across with any one..... big problem here.... this is not any one .... this is my wife .... her thoughts and feelings matter even if mine get steeped on...... who knows abought tomorrow we still are working on today..........

[TxKimberly]

lol were did my mom get in this mess????? ..... lol my wife not my mom ..... lol silly you's.....

About the quickest way in the world to get my wifes goat is to compare her to her mother. If I were to hug my wife and say "I love you mom" there is no question her attitude would change quickly - and not for the better!
Kim

[Michelia]

Your story made my eyes tear. I think because you are such a great person. It just seems all so unfair and like you deserve more.

Wendy, if that is all your hair in your avatar - it is beautiful!

Michelia

[Tamara Croft]

It makes me so sad to read this :( I know how even the smallest comment can hurt :hugs: I just wish she'd at least try and talk with you, even if it's to just say 'hey I don't want to know'... If only you could get her to join here, at least she'd know there were other GG's she could talk to and get to know, even if she never accepts it :( I'm sorry you're hurting hun :hugs:

[susiej]

Wendy,

The thing I noticed about your story is in the first sentence -- she chose to bring this up just as she was leaving for a visit to her mom's. Why did she choose that particular moment? Here are a couple ideas:


1) Because she knows doggone well that as soon as she's gone, Wendy's going to pop up. She doesn't like it, but she can visualize it. Maybe, to some degree, she thinks it's her "fault" for leaving.

2) She knows it's going to bother her all during her visit with mom, but she can't talk about it with her, and this frustrates her.

3) She can hit you with this, then escape through the door, without the the difficulty and pain of engaging with you in a real conversation about it. This lowers the "cost" to her of making this hurtful comment.


My guess is that this is bubbling beneath her surface, and the combination of all these factors -- increased pressure, lower cost -- caused it to boil over at this particular moment.

Wendy, you've given sage advice to us on this forum forever; there's nothing I can tell you that you don't already know. Basically, you have two choices: tolerate this kind of treatment in order to maintain the surface status quo, or pick your moment and bring it up. I can see advantages to both choices, but I'm not sure I can imagine any other alternative.

Thanks for your post, and for all you've done for us here.


Hugs,
Susie

[Satrana]

btw she just came home .... with a new short hair cut ...( she keeps hers short) i told her i love it ...... she gave me the look lol .... round two???.....
Wendy

It does seem strange that she would comment on your hair, I would have thought this is something that she would have got used to by now.

A stab in the dark, but is it just a coincidence that she subsequently went for her own short haircut. Maybe as she sheds her own feminine image, your feminine style grates with her sensibilities. I think this can be a major sore point for SOs if your feminine style makes her feel she looks bad in comparison.

[SandyR]

Ah, Wendy!

Sad to hear you getting beat up. Wish I could be there to give you a hug. Hang in there, I appreciate the work you do here, and letting us know your pain. Please email me if you need someone to chat with.

Big Hug!

SandyR

[Staci G]

Wendy
I can relate more than you know it almost sounds like we are married to the same woman. I get the remarks also very rude and hurtful. I think they are in a way to humiliate me and make me stop wearing her (so she thinks) clothes
I have my own but she don't know it.

I hope you have the opportunity to have a talk, but she sounds like mine that she really don't want to know anymore and afraid not to know.
Ignorance is bliss in some instances I guess as far as my wife is concerned she doesn't want to talk either and just puts in her :2c: and thats all that counts..

Good luck with her and keep us posted I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers for the upcomming TALK and keep me in yours

Staci

[Eugenie]

interesting ....see i never told my wife before we were married over the years she kinda got them clues.... it's been known for a long while now that i do this...a while ago i spoke the words i like to wear women's clothing .... she was like the look you said it..... i mean we both knew but never spoke abought it....

i always Waite for the prefect time to bring it up for more talk ... something always comes up ... so never the right time... and thats OK ... maybe their is no right time .... i can be in my "him" side kinda outspoken and have no trouble getting my point across with any one..... big problem here.... this is not any one .... this is my wife .... her thoughts and feelings matter even if mine get steeped on...... who knows abought tomorrow we still are working on today..........

Wendy, what you describe is pretty much how my wife and I lived the 38 years of mariage with my wife up to a couple of month ago... Ups and downs, x-dressing being in the mists of the conversatyions sometimes but never openly discussed... Sometimes those "nasty" remarks similar to those about your long hair: "With all these clothes in your cupboard no wander your pans and shirts are all wrinkled."

We didn't talk, like you say, it was never a good time.

Fortunately an event forced my wife to open the dialogue. I had decided to come out to our daughter (36) whom I felt would understand, and she did. But she also said that she had seen that my wife and I didn't go well as a couple. She told me that she wuold talk to her brother and then my wife as she said it couldn't continue like that.

I was very reluctant to her move and started to feel terrible of having told her. To makes things short, it did create a major crisis in our couple, but this crisis induced a series of in depth discussions between my wife and I.

I came to realize that my X-dressing was hurting her feelings a lot more than I thought it did. She knew more about my CD life than I had imagined. After this, we have made tremendous progress in the mutual of each other's point of view. I now understand things that did hurt her feelings and I avoide doing them. I now know that a lot of her negative attitudes were also ways of protecting me rather than trying to be nasty. She now understands that I need a place for my feminine side too. I have reduced her fears too.

If you can manage to really get you wife to talk with you about this subject there is a high probability that it will help you two live a more agreable relationship, even if , like my wife, it remains clear that I shouldn't dress "en femme" in front of her.

I hope this helps...
:hugs:
Eugenie

[Tree GG]

...She didn't sign up for this and nothing in her experience has made her ready for this. ...


...continue to le her know when she can be hurtful. ..

IMO there's really no justification to be hurtful to your mate deliberately. Doesn't mean most haven't done it from time to time, but that don't make it right.

I'd like to add, from the wife point of view, please be patient. I hear all the fears and resentments I've felt in her comments and it's not because she doesn't want you to be happy.....can't say what it really is, but it's not lack of love. The longer hair is an outward, public display of something she still don't know how to deal with. And sounds like she meant it that way since she was so sensitive to your offered hair compliment.

[Wendy me]

it's interesting to hear abought all the different views on this ...and how many are in the same way as my wife and i are,... yes i know if i told her before we were married .....yes i was wrong ... and i can't go back .... i believe that one day she will be more accepting .... just until then try to do the best i can ... and when something hurtful is said i will speak up and let her know ....

it's sad because i so sure that if she knew Wendy .... she would relay enjoy that other person that has been living in our lives ..... for over 25 years she has only relay know half of me.....