Rikkicn
04-14-2007, 04:14 PM
Sweet Ones,
I hope this is of some use and value. It written with that intention.
There is often lots of talk on what motivates our radical behaviors. It’s often asked why do we keep secrets from our wives even after we have come out to them?
I’ve been surprised not to see a thread on what the inner life of a cross dresser can be like. I’ve never seen a discussion of the deep, deep shame, quilt and humiliation that is part of the cross dressing experience. It’s this, that lies at the heart of many of the problems we have.
We, I speak for my sisters, have been caring this shame since before we even knew what to call it. We just knew we felt really bad about our desires and that there was something terribly wrong with us. Family, friends, movies used words like sick and perverted to describe what brought us so much joy. Deep shame brings deep, dark tumultuous secrets. We are on constant alert. If someone found out about us we could be scolded, punished, laughed at and humiliated and possibly turned over to the medical community (this was happening into the late 70’s) for evaluation and treatment.
For me, my desire to dress like a woman and my sexual needs and desires are linked and always have been. Called it fetish, if you will. If there’s sex involved than that adds dimension to our shame and embarrassment. We all experience various levels of shyness and difficulty around this subject. How easy or hard is it to ask your lover for something new or different or even to stop doing something unpleasant?
I recently married a woman that knew everything about me. I told her what I knew about myself and what my future might be regarding transitioning, long before we married. We have both transitioning together, it seems. She and I are both sex positive and fetish positive. We are now open about everything and there is a strong and sustainable spiritual component to our relationship
Even being in a relationship with a woman I loved and who I knew beyond any doubt, loved me, it still took me 3-4 years to overcome the shame and deep embarrassment and open my heart and desires fully and invite her into my inner, secret, world. A world that had been my home in some ways. A place in my heart that was warm and protected and safe. I lived there alone for 50 years when I met her.
What is the depth of this shame, guilt, embarrassment and isolation? For us every time we reveal something new about ourselves it’s like a new coming out with all the angst, fears and risks associated. I know from my own experiences just how exhausting this can be.
How long does it take to do the deep kind of healing that’s needed for us to feel something we’ve never felt before.
The feeling of belonging and safety.
The feeling of self love and acceptance.
The feeling of being lovable and being loved
How do we get there from here?
I hope this is of some use and value. It written with that intention.
There is often lots of talk on what motivates our radical behaviors. It’s often asked why do we keep secrets from our wives even after we have come out to them?
I’ve been surprised not to see a thread on what the inner life of a cross dresser can be like. I’ve never seen a discussion of the deep, deep shame, quilt and humiliation that is part of the cross dressing experience. It’s this, that lies at the heart of many of the problems we have.
We, I speak for my sisters, have been caring this shame since before we even knew what to call it. We just knew we felt really bad about our desires and that there was something terribly wrong with us. Family, friends, movies used words like sick and perverted to describe what brought us so much joy. Deep shame brings deep, dark tumultuous secrets. We are on constant alert. If someone found out about us we could be scolded, punished, laughed at and humiliated and possibly turned over to the medical community (this was happening into the late 70’s) for evaluation and treatment.
For me, my desire to dress like a woman and my sexual needs and desires are linked and always have been. Called it fetish, if you will. If there’s sex involved than that adds dimension to our shame and embarrassment. We all experience various levels of shyness and difficulty around this subject. How easy or hard is it to ask your lover for something new or different or even to stop doing something unpleasant?
I recently married a woman that knew everything about me. I told her what I knew about myself and what my future might be regarding transitioning, long before we married. We have both transitioning together, it seems. She and I are both sex positive and fetish positive. We are now open about everything and there is a strong and sustainable spiritual component to our relationship
Even being in a relationship with a woman I loved and who I knew beyond any doubt, loved me, it still took me 3-4 years to overcome the shame and deep embarrassment and open my heart and desires fully and invite her into my inner, secret, world. A world that had been my home in some ways. A place in my heart that was warm and protected and safe. I lived there alone for 50 years when I met her.
What is the depth of this shame, guilt, embarrassment and isolation? For us every time we reveal something new about ourselves it’s like a new coming out with all the angst, fears and risks associated. I know from my own experiences just how exhausting this can be.
How long does it take to do the deep kind of healing that’s needed for us to feel something we’ve never felt before.
The feeling of belonging and safety.
The feeling of self love and acceptance.
The feeling of being lovable and being loved
How do we get there from here?