How did you find yourself?

[Yaz Fiend]

I'm going through a spot of confusion, and am wondering what to do.

Ever since I remember, I sometimes imagine myself as a girl, and enjoy being treated like one. I've only dressed once (and that was a blast. I was 5 or so.), and I've been working on being a bit more androgynous (slim body, soft skin, etc.). Though, I'm just fine living as a man.

Then I had this really strange cubist dream that I interpreted for myself:

I meet this strange girl at a small college I went to, and we immediately hit off a kind of friendship. She kisses me on the cheek, and the scene restarts. I meet her again and this time I kiss her on the cheek too. She talks small talk and after awhile I zone out. She begins receiting the lyrics to Amanda Lear's "Follow Me" which I really want to perform in drag someday for fun. When I realize what she's singing I get really happy. Then she asks me to french kiss her, but then I tell her I'm gay. She seems disappointed and I try to kiss her, but she rejects it. She then talks to other people, ignoring me but not cruelly.

The way I see it, the girl was a (a not the) feminine version of me. She tries to connect with me but I mainly ignore her, and even flat out reject her. Then I try to connect with her but she has no interest.

I think it means that I possibly have been ignoring a part of me for a long time, and my interest in performing the drag show someday has kind of awoken it.

Or I could just be really submissive, and enjoy being treated like a lady only for sexual reasons.

What could I do to find out the answer? What did you do to finally figure out that aspect of yourself?

[Stephenie S]

I found myself sitting on the couch watching TV.

Steph

[JacquiUKTV]

Interesting that in your dream you visualized a feminine aspect of yourself as a separate entity. It often feels to me that my female self (Jacqui) is almost a secondary personality that co-exists with me in the same body and demands recognition and expression through the obvious means of dressing, adopting Jacqui's body-language, mannerisms etc.
As I write this, I suddenly remember a dream I had about thirty years ago in which my "female" self was another person who was demanding attention from me. She appeared as if my identical-twin sister...figuratively I mean.I'm an only child.
I wonder if this sort of phenomenon is classic...or am I just a basket-case ?:eek:

[Leah B]

Yaz, it sounds like you've answered all your own questions already. You have been ignoring it too long. It is a sexual thing and you do enjoy feeling like a woman might (it can be both).

I haven't figured this all out either, but I haven't been at it for very long, at least not in any serious capacity. I have, however, gotten to the point where I know that exploration is the only way to know the truth. Repressing it will only grow more agonizing as time goes on.

So explore it. Take some steps to living out your dream. Study it. Go to the GLBT section of the bookstore and buy a book. Google it. See what appeals to you, and if you're not sure what does, don't be afraid to dig deeper. Be honest with yourself, even if honesty might be painful or scary (and sometimes it is).

Oh, and keep in mind that you're not the only one that matters in all this. Be considerate of others close to you, because this can hurt them too.

As for me, I don't feel like there's a second identity within me, or a second personality waiting to get out. Something is there, but I don't know what yet.

[Angie G]

I turned around one day and there was Angie :hugs:
Angie

[Yaz Fiend]

So explore it. Take some steps to living out your dream. Study it. Go to the GLBT section of the bookstore and buy a book. Google it. See what appeals to you, and if you're not sure what does, don't be afraid to dig deeper. Be honest with yourself, even if honesty might be painful or scary (and sometimes it is).

As for me, I don't feel like there's a second identity within me, or a second personality waiting to get out. Something is there, but I don't know what yet.

It's so overwhelming though, I don't know where to start. I've looked at sites but I haven't really found anything satisfactory, and not much about just start out. Almost every site I found deals with being in the middle of it. I'll look again tonight.

BTW I don't see it as a second identity. In my dream, it took form of another person, yes, but I think it's just a surrealistic representation of another part of me.

[Gina_darling]

I used to play games with my sisters like schools and I'd wear one of their uniforms instead of my own etc. There would be arguments over who was maid Marian when playing Robin Hood too :D

Then all through adolescence I'd have the odd item of women's clothing I'd wear and when everyone was out of the house I would dress up a bit more.

It really reached a head last year when I went to a party as Poison Ivy and had such a great time. People do treat you differently even though they knew who it was underneath the wig, make-up, leotard and tights. Then like you I had the opportunity to do a drag performance. I was Gwen Stefani and really enjoyed it. As my male self I would never dream of singing on stage in front of everyone but I did dressed as a woman. I like to think Gina's voice was the loudest one that day. After having bought the outfits from shops it gave me confidence to shop for normal womens' clothes for Gina. I shopped in drab but every day now I dress.

I went out in public for the first time last week and again had a great time though I was quite shy again (a bit of my male self hanging in there).

So to answer your question I think you should explore it but only if you want to. If it is something you are not comfortable with then give it more time. If you do want to explore it then I think the first step is taken, speaking to us. The next step would be to do the drag act, it will be fun :D Buy a few things from shops, most people assume you're buying gifts. Take it one step at a time.

Good luck, Gina xx.

[JamieTV]

that is really a good question....and answer. I guess I first started when I was about 10 or so. I have always love the feel of girls clothes and now I get to wear them as much as i want.....

[CandyDarling]

It seems that there is validity in that the imaginary image is the unatainable partner. Like the canary whos reflection in a mirror is taken for a mate. The mental aspects are so important. I begin to believe that my dressing is largely a self indulget fantasy wich will never be fully realised. I pose for my self and long to be phisical with the imnage I see. This I think is the spark of the desire to be with anothe gurl in a physical way. The more you try the farther away you get.