Acceptance (Warning: may evoke strong emotions)

[Brianna Lovely]

Acceptance (Warning: may evoke strong emotions)

I had a wonderful experience, this past weekend, which I'll relate in a moment.

But my experience also brought some questions to mind.
I think I understand why many TG people feel that they have to lie to their family or SO. After spending their formative years, being trained, to be tough, never cry, show no feelings, playing with dolls or girls means your a sissy or worse a homosexual.
Lying becomes a matter of survival. You really feel that you can't trust anyone, with your secret. When a SO says that she accepts your CDing, is your subconscious mind remembering.......................
"You're eight years old, sitting in your back yard, playing with one of your sisters dolls. Your father walks into the yard, smiles at you, and says, "So Johnny, you like playing with dolls?", you answer yes. Your father grabs the doll out of your hands and breaks it in half. Then slaps you in the face and yells "Boys don't play with dolls, what are you, one of those sissies!" You hang your head and as the tears roll down your cheeks, you whisper, "No daddy, I'm not a sissy." Your mother has heard the commotion and is entering the yard, as your father walks past her, he angrily says, "No son of mine is going to grow up to be a sissy faggot!"

No matter how much you may love your SO, some emotional mountains are very hard to get over.


Not necessarily referring to any GGs on this forum..........................
I wonder, why some girls, who loved to play dolls and play dress up with their brothers, would grow up to be women who would divorce their husband for wearing a skirt.

I apologize for getting a little off track and perhaps very emotional, but I have to go with what I feel, even if it's unpleasant at times.


Now, something a little cheerful. There's a GG, that I'll call "Tina", who's known me in drab mode, for several years. This past February I went to see Tina doing her comedy show. I was sitting near the stage, fully enfemme and Tina sat at my table, to say hello. (she did not recognize me). We chatted for a few minutes, and she kept asking if we had met before. I told her that I had seen one of her shows last year. She asked me my name, then it was time to start the show. So she has a portable microphone, and is talking to people behind me, I'm facing the stage. Anyway, she says happy birthday to a few people, notes a couples tenth anniversary and is talking and walking backwards, to the stage.
Oh my gosh, she's standing right next to me, she puts her hand on my shoulder and says "And Brianna has graced us with her presence", I must have turned three shades of red, but I also had a big, genuine smile on my face.

So..............this past weekend, I'm walking around in my semi-fem mode (no wig or forms) and I come across Tina and her friend Sue, sitting at a table having coffee. As I spoke with Tina, she told Sue, "Look at HER nails, aren't they beautiful? Sue agrees and says she likes my nails too. Then Tina compliments me on the blouse I'm wearing.
This, combined with meeting some wonderful "girls" over the weekend, really made me feel warm and fuzzy all over.

[Shelly Preston]

Wow quite a tale

but a wonderful happy ending

[noname]

Ah yes, childhood memories... I remember my mom came home with a pack of colored barretts to which she dispensed to my sisters. Well, I saw the bright pink one, and wanted it badly. My mother would not relent, I could not have one. I threw a humongous temper tantrum, eventually I wore her down, and she gave in. I remember leaving the house with this pink barrett happy as a lark. That was until all the kids outside were laughing at me. I can vividly remember some neighbor girl making fun me. I said to her, "but you have one in your hair" She sneers "So! I'm a girl, thats different." I was very hurt, I went home and sat in the garden in the backyard. I saw there holding that pink barrett sulking.:sad:

Back to topic, glad you had a great weekend.

[Maureen]

Brianna:

I think the reason that a woman would divorce a man for wearing a skirt is simple; because he lied to her by ommission, and did not tell her he was a crossdresser.
I think far too often, we mitigate the grief we cause others by hiding a very large component of our personality from our spouses. We crave acceptance for who we are, but often don't seem to care that we may not be who our spouses want. Their wants and needs are just as important as ours. Why do we get so upset by women that want a traditional male spouse? Isn't that their right?
We have a right to pursue what makes us happy, but so do the woman in our lives! If they think they are getting a "normal" guy, and instead they find out they have a crossdresser for a partner, I think we are the ones that have caused the problem, not the wife that can't accept the part that we hid from them.

[Brianna Lovely]

Brianna:

I think the reason that a woman would divorce a man for wearing a skirt is simple; because he lied to her by ommission, and did not tell her he was a crossdresser.
I think far too often, we mitigate the grief we cause others by hiding a very large component of our personality from our spouses. We crave acceptance for who we are, but often don't seem to care that we may not be who our spouses want. Their wants and needs are just as important as ours. Why do we get so upset by women that want a traditional male spouse? Isn't that their right?
We have a right to pursue what makes us happy, but so do the woman in our lives! If they think they are getting a "normal" guy, and instead they find out they have a crossdresser for a partner, I think we are the ones that have caused the problem, not the wife that can't accept the part that we hid from them.

Perhaps "tradition" is the biggest problem.
Just because "We've always done it this way", dosn't make it right. As far as traditional, normal, male goes, I consider myself "more than a man", as I've been blessed with both genders and allowed myself to accept this.
Above being male or female, I'm a person. I have feelings too. I don't have to tough, because I'm strong enough to say when my feelings have been hurt.

I don't think a SO would feel hurt, if people where more accepting to begin with.

There was a song lyric, "Teach your children well" and "They have to be carefuly taught". Maybe some of the SOs asnd CDs on this forum, will teach their children, love and acceptence.

[Fab Karen]

[QUOTE=Brianna Lovely;826884]Acceptance (Warning: may evoke strong emotions)


"You're eight years old, sitting in your back yard, playing with one of your sisters dolls. Your father walks into the yard, smiles at you, and says, "So Johnny, you like playing with dolls?", you answer yes. Your father grabs the doll out of your hands and breaks it in half. Then slaps you in the face and yells "Boys don't play with dolls, what are you, one of those sissies!" You hang your head and as the tears roll down your cheeks, you whisper, "No daddy, I'm not a sissy." Your mother has heard the commotion and is entering the yard, as your father walks past her, he angrily says, "No son of mine is going to grow up to be a sissy faggot!"

A father that'd have that strong a reaction obviously at some point had sexual feelings for another male, or maybe even a sexual encounter, and the self-loathing is taken out on his son. That point is made in the ending of the movie American Beauty, "no son of mine is gonna be a faggot" and we see the truth of the matter at the end of the story.

[Brianna Lovely]

[QUOTE=Brianna Lovely;826884]Acceptance (Warning: may evoke strong emotions)

A father that'd have that strong a reaction obviously at some point had sexual feelings for another male, or maybe even a sexual encounter, and the self-loathing is taken out on his son. That point is made in the ending of the movie American Beauty, "no son of mine is gonna be a faggot" and we see the truth of the matter at the end of the story.

I haven't seen the movie, but the "sissy" reaction was very prevalent in the 1940's-'60's. And I was shocked, a few months ago, while watching one of those Court Shows on TV, when the judge asked the father a question and he answered "If my son was Gay, I'd beat it out of him". to this his wife responded. "But we only have a baby daughter, what if she's Gay?" and the father responded, "Then I'd beat it out of her too."

So, I have the feeling, that not much has really changed. Add to that, an item on the news, that Florida has the highest incidence of assaults on people, because they're gay, then any other state. And the number of assaults has doubled since B*sh has been president. Hatred breads more hatred.

[dancinginthedark]

There was a song lyric, "Teach your children well" and "They have to be carefuly taught". Maybe some of the SOs asnd CDs on this forum, will teach their children, love and acceptence.

...but not anger. I want to acknowledge that this thread was not directed at any of us GG's here. However, since I was nearly done raising my children when I found out about my husband being a CD, I wanted to let you know some of us are changing the world one child at a time. All five are very open minded and loving. Four boys and one girl if you're curious. All this to say, have some hope babe. Not all of us [parents] are so narrow minded. Some of us accepted TG folks have every right that anyone else does before we realized how close to home the issue really was. I'm sorry your dad did this thing. I can see and understand old scars being sensitive. Hard to trust when you hear echoes of the past. :hugs:

I am glad your friend is exactly that...your friend.

dancin

[Brianna Lovely]

... I wanted to let you know some of us are changing the world one child at a time. All five are very open minded and loving. Four boys and one girl if you're curious. All this to say, have some hope babe. Not all of us [parents] are so narrow minded.
dancin

Thank you Dancin. I really do have faith that people will change for the betterment of all. I just won't live to see it come about.

But, it's people like you, by showing love and understanding, who will change the world.

[Margie]

Maureen, I agree what you said. I honestly believe that is the case. I may not be the majority but that's how I feel and I constantly work on my wife and I's relationship with the knowledge that I'm not what she expected, after 40 years together. She is very accepting though and I'm forever grateful.

[stormrider]

My god, aren't we a bunch of amature psychologists here. One of us is blaming the crossdresser for not being open to his wife about his crossdressing, saying that he was the cause of the divorce. Another is saying that the father who breaks a doll his son is playing with has had a homosexual experience or harbors homosexual tendencies himself. WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!!! Not one of us can say what causes another person's marriage to fail, or what causes someone to lash out at a person they love and care for. Do any of you know every little aspect of the lives of the people you are talking to here ? Which of you knows what that boy (or girl) went through that they can't feel free to discuss their crossdressing with their SO? Are any of you privy, just by looking at a few words on a chat room screen in the comfort of your own home, to what the writer has experienced in his/her life before coming here to find or give support? Did you know his dad when he was growing up and what he experinced in life to make him lash out like that, or even just subtly inform his son that "boys don't do that". If any of you are so omnipotent, please private message ME and tell me why, since first I can remember, I have wanted so much to be a girl and why I am so afraid to make it known to anyone but those who are blissfully anonomous in this forum. Why
do I look forward every day to coming home and slipping into my female clothes? Please enlighten me, for I don't know. There, now I will get down off my soapbox and let you all have a go at it.

Michelle

[fwidman]

BRIANNA: I am happy that you had such a great experience. Happy endings are the best :)
I can sympathize with the childhood routine. Being small and frail as a child, the only ones who would play with me were girls. Nobody in m family was to ken on that, as you can imagine. This was in the 50's, early 60's, when boys were boys and that's all they were ever to be.


dancinginthedark GG, congrats on your kids being open-minded. When my ex outed me to my for stepsons, she thought I would b embarrassed and they would be shocked. I was embarrassed, but they could have cared less. I've been blessed in that they loved me for who I am, not what I am. In fact the only time I recall any of them mentioning it to anyone was when I was coming to visit my youngest and his bride to be. He told her to beware, sometimes I dress a "little strangely for a man" He was referring to my penchant for blouses, she was afraid I'd get off the plane wearing a clown suit LOL

Changing one person at a time will eventually change the world!

[Margie]

Brianna, I envy you for the experience you had! So glad for you !

[noname]

We crave acceptance for who we are, but often don't seem to care that we may not be who our spouses want.

If both parties were concerned about what the other person wants out of life, I think the divorce rate would plumet, unfortunately many people have a me first mentality. This applies both to husbands and wives.


Their wants and needs are just as important as ours. Why do we get so upset by women that want a traditional male spouse? Isn't that their right?

I'm kind of confused. What is their right? That they want a traditional spouse, or that they should get a traditional spouse? Sure, we all have a right to want something out of a person, it doesn't mean we are going to get it. I want a million dollars. I have the right to want it, that doesn't mean I'll ever get it. It's kind of like the right to the pursuit of happiness, that doesn't mean I'll find it, it just means I have the right to pursue it.

[aj_gg]

No matter how much you may love your SO, some emotional mountains are very hard to get over.


I agree, but in the process in which my fiance has told me about his CDing, has created many emotional mountains to cover as well. Right now I am grateful that my fiance and I can travel these mountains together.

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Okay, here it is in a nutshell!

First off, your father was an ass! And what he did to you is inexcuseable!
A big hug to you and a giant kick in the ass to your father.

That said, truth is we like are dualistic world and have a dualistic language that loves opposites/compliments.
In....out
Hot...cold
right....wrong
boy....girl
big....small
smart.......dumb
left....right

And we especially love our two gendered world. For the majority of people that is THE ONLY way they see and experience it. I"m talking 99.99999% of the population or damn close. Most people do not question their gender (I never have). Most people are comfortable in their gender. So how/why would they understand that some folks are not comfortable with their assigned gender? I think, truly, it's an impossible expectation for most people to accept and understand. For me, I accept it but I certainly do not understand it.

Now, to dig a little deeper and really curl your hairs; I would venture to say that it is the patriarchial society (yes, we have that type of society) that drives the overvaluing of male characterics over that of female. So, yes, perhaps your father had a case of homophobia. However, he also had a strong dose of the mind ****ing we all get. Being a man/boy is good; being a woman/girl is bad. That is changing a bit but I would argue not as much as people would like to think. Women and the work that is primarily identified as "women's work" is still undervalued and way, way underpaid. If one is a housewife, it's taken as though they stay home and do nothing while their husband works. When in fact they work their asses off all day long. Cleaning, planning, organizing, driving kids here, driving kids there. Similarly if one is a female and works in one of the largely female dominated professions then one can expect far less pay and status. Teacher, nurses, social workers, maids, waitresses, secretary, etc.

So big surprise that no one gives a rat's ass that Susie likes to climb trees like a boy and catch frogs. Why that just shows she adventerous and tough and those are good qualities to have. However, if Johnny wants to play with dolls well then he, like women in general, is a softy--sissy--a quality we do not value in anyone really. We give lip service only to caring about those qualities that are female but we come NO WHERE NEAR putting our money where our mouths are. We really do not value things female--period.

Kew's 2

[Rikkicn]

Brianna:

Their wants and needs are just as important as ours.

It wasn't until I realized that if I was going to live the life I wanted that my needs had to take precedent over hers.
I had put her needs ahead of mine for a along time and it only led to misery.
Filling our needs is our own responsibility and life's purpose, not someone else's.

Sorry to be so blunt about this but it's critically important to our well being and leading a purposeful life.

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Well I would disagree with you Rikkicn.

Your needs shouldn't go before hers nor hers before yours.

Anyone who has a relationship structured that way is approaching it with imbalance.

It has to be a bit of both--a partnership.

Kew's 2 again

[IMkrystal]

Acceptance

No matter how much you may love your SO, some emotional mountains are very hard to get over.


Not necessarily referring to any GGs on this forum..........................
I wonder, why some girls, who loved to play dolls and play dress up with their brothers, would grow up to be women who would divorce their husband for wearing a skirt.

Recently I went exploring, past posted threads and came across three written by MarlaGG which deals with this issue concisely. I would suggest to those of you who are interested and have not read them, look them up.

1.) FROM THE BACK OF THE CLOSET: Week 1 How to tell your partner

2.) Accepting GGs: What makes us different?

3.) Now I Like It, Now I Don't

[Satrana]

Perhaps "tradition" is the biggest problem.
Just because "We've always done it this way", dosn't make it right. As far as traditional, normal, male goes, I consider myself "more than a man", as I've been blessed with both genders and allowed myself to accept this.


Yup tradition plays a big part, people are conditioned to want something, to value something even if they do not understand why. Tradition is part and parcel of the conservative movement to guarantee normalcy, which gives everyone that warm fuzzy feeling that they fit in and are not, heavens forbid, abnormal, a freak.

Claiming a right to a traditional male just reduces individuals into packaged items. I would hope everyone here understands a Stepford wife is a backward concept just as a Stepford husband would be. Traditional concepts of gender are BS, plain and simple, and the quicker they are junked the better for everybody.

[Satrana]

We really do not value things female--period.



Our society values only one thing, money and your ability to make it. Everything else is secondary. There are plenty of male dominated jobs that pay squat all, construction workers and all other types of manual labor, and of course soldiers, who make the ultimate sacrifice for minimum wages.

Our society does not care if the behavior is masculine or feminine, if it does not make money then it will be undervalued. For example sexuality does make money and so femininity as expressed in modeling, pop stars, film stars, porn etc is highly valued and pays exceedingly well. This is why male models only earn 10% of that earned by female models.

It is greed and materialism that determines what is valued in society not gender.

[KimberlyS]

Brianna, thank you for your story. I am glad you had a good weekend.

I grew up with the same fears and worse. But I do not know where mine came from as my father was a man of few words and I can not tie them to anything specific which has made me wonder where they came from.

Enjoy your warm and fuzzy all over feeling.

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Our society values only one thing, money and your ability to make it. Everything else is secondary. There are plenty of male dominated jobs that pay squat all, construction workers and all other types of manual labor, and of course soldiers, who make the ultimate sacrifice for minimum wages.

Our society does not care if the behavior is masculine or feminine, if it does not make money then it will be undervalued. For example sexuality does make money and so femininity as expressed in modeling, pop stars, film stars, porn etc is highly valued and pays exceedingly well. This is why male models only earn 10% of that earned by female models.

It is greed and materialism that determines what is valued in society not gender.

Disagree!
Society does care if the behavior is masculine or feminine.
I doubt you or I see the world even the tiniest bit the same.
That's okay, but trust me; I have a valid point here and your dressing will never be fully accepted until there are some changes in what we see as male and female and how we value what is male or female.
Kew

[AmberTG]

I think that part of the issue that KewTnCurvy is talking about here goes all the way back in society to when women were considered the property of the men they were with. Most marriages were arranged and something of value was usually traded for the woman. In old testament times, women were valued mostly for their ability to give the man sons to pass his bloodline on with. If the woman could not conceve, she was of no value and was only a slave to do the manual labor, plus it was preferred to have several women, if the man could afford it. More sons, more women to do the work. This culture has been passed down through western religion and is still prevelent in fundamentalist christian religions today. It has only been sense the end of world war 2 that women have been able to do what they chose to do for work, marriage, and children, and that's been an uphill battle that's still being fought in many ways. The reason it still has to be fought is because of the attitude of "conservative christian values" that still rule large parts of this country. Someday we will all just be humans, equal partners, but I think that's still a long way off, especially with fundamentalists, like my father-in-law, with their "a woman's place is in the home, raising the kids and taking care of my needs" attitude. They don't believe that women have a place in the work force, except in those traditional women's fields, such as nursing. My father-in-law is happy to tell you that women should not be allowed to work in his field because they are physically incapable of doing the work and they are too emotional to handle the stress of the job, like delivering packages for UPS is so difficult, heavy, and stressful.
Anyway, now that I've finished my rant, I'll get back on topic. I think that society's opinions on the value of women will continue to change for the better, but not without a lot of resistance.
Amber Darlene