Here's my story (please be gentile)

[NewBetty]

This isn’t easy to write and it may not be easy to read. I’ll try not to make it too long, but if you’re easily bored or depressed … well… fair warning.

I lost my wife earlier this year. It was due to cancer and it was an excruciatingly painful time for her, those final 6 months of her life. I was her primary and often sole caregiver.
So I’m pretty shattered these days.

She was/is the love of my life and we were together over 25 years. We preferred each other’s company over anyone else on earth. She was a very intense woman, and she was keen on us enjoying our sexual fantasies with each other. In our younger days she would share some of her lingerie with me, she was always supportive, even encouraging as I tried on silky things and pantyhose. It was pretty hot, but I never developed any yen to do it often. As the years went by I thought I was pretty much over it.

Since the late ‘90s I’ve found an interest in erotic fetish art. I enjoy an artistic depiction far more than a photograph, more fantasy than reality it flows directly to my greatest yearnings and desires … without all that messy reality getting in the way. I have noticed that I’m more and more fascinated by depictions of cross-dressing, CWDs, forced feminization, and a sort of “when the girls are away the boys play with lingerie” sub genre.

OK… back to the present. These last couple months I find the desire for femme expression in the house growing more and more irresistible. It started with a pair of slinky boy shorts. Mmmmm…smooth and shiny. OK, I thought, tried that. Went back to rearranging the empty home that was suddenly mine with no compromises to make and no advice to get.

A few days later it was a little camisole, g-string and a slit slip skirt. That felt even better. Soon it was a bra, couple of tiny dresses, a soft furry sweater, pantyhose, I even found a pair of heels that almost fit. Get the picture? Sure you do: now some days I can hardly wait to get home from work to get into some silky, trampy little “rig” and spend the evening dressed. Then I get into a little nightie and sleep (when I can).

First and foremost: IT FEELS GREAT! (sometimes arousing too!)
I don’t do any hair and makeup (man, I even hated theatrical makeup…ick)
I DO, however, dress in g-string, hose, panties (maybe) bra and silky top, hide it all under a sweater and jeans , and walk around the neighborhood smoking cigarettes. Pretty lame, huh?

Well that takes us up to Saturday night when, after being dressed for most of the last 24 hours, I joined the forum to… jeez I don’t know. Unburden myself, maybe. Or perhaps just to get some attention and non judgemental positive regard since I have NEVER discussed this subject with anyone else but my wife.

[Barb Valentine]

First of all I'm so sorry to hear of the passing of you wife
I know that you will make a lot of new friends here
And just to know that your not alone any more
Welcome
:hugs:

[NewBetty]

Thank You. This is some rush...whoo...

[kerrianna]

Hi Betty, welcome to our family. :hugs:

I hope we can give you some comfort and companionship here. I am truly sorry to hear of the loss of the love of your life. I understand a bit of the hardship that you went through, as my wife has been dealing with cancer recently too and I have met many people whose lives have been altered by that struggle. I hope you have some support for yourself after all you've been through. Feel free to PM me once you have 10 posts if you want to talk about stuff, any stuff.

You'll find many different types and expressions of CDng on this forum, and the one thing that holds true is :EVERYONE IS WELCOME and there is no right or wrong way, or true or false reasons to dress. We do it because it feels right, it unlocks a side of us we love, it relaxes us, it excites us...there are different reasons and drives for everyone.

So, not pretty lame. Pretty maybe. :happy: ...but not lame.

Enjoy and explore hon. Hang out and chat. Make yourself at home. It's good to have you here. :hugs: :love:

Kerrianna

[AllieSF]

Hi Betty, it must have been so hard to lose your partner. My condolences. Welcome to this wonderful and supportive group here. You will probably find more than you expect including support, information and humor. I hope that you enjoy your stay.

[NewBetty]

Thank you both. I knew I had to talk to someone about this and judging by offhand remarks from family and friends...well I can't think of any of 'em that'd be comfortable talking about all this.

Kerrianna: yeah I wish a much happier outcome for you. And the cancer stuff is actually a lot easier to talk about than it is to live with. So: you can talk to me too.

[DawnL]

Betty,
Welcome to the forum. Please feel free to let it out on here, that's what it's for. I too have lost a wife of 31 years very suddenly and unexpectedly. I'm sure there are others on here that have gone through it also. I hope you find some comfort and answers here.

[NewBetty]

Thank you, Dawn.
Yes, the widowers club suddenly seems quite large, as soon as you become a "member" you find you've more brothers than you ever imagined.

[Girlieboy]

Hi, Betty, you are brave beyond words! Please accept my sincere condolences on your sad loss. You will find that this is a wonderful and sincere forum: of all the sites I have looked at over the years, this one is undoubtedly the best and the most genuine. Well, that's my humble opinion, at least! I feel that perhaps the spirit of your dear wife is with you and guiding you: the one thing death can never, ever break is the bond of true love between two people. Yes, I am a spiritualist - as perhaps you have guessed - and I do of course understand that this is not everyione's cup of tea (and I have no desire to offend anyone!) - so all I will say is that, if you feel you ever need to talk to someone, I am here for you. And, in fairness, I should imagine that all the other girls would say exactly the same thing.

The members are lovely, they are genuine, they are sincere - you are at home with us all!!

Kindest regards,

Diane
:hugs:

[Sandra]

Hi Betty

I'm sorry for the loss of your wife and I know things will still be very fresh. Unburden all you want the people here will help and support not with the loss of your wife but the CDing as well and hopefully in time you'll get a few laughs along the way.

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

Betty, iam so very sorry to hear of your loss, and also well done for opening up , and joining here :happy: theres alot of amazing people on the forum, who can help/give you support when needed :happy:
take things step by step & you will discover your amoungst one big family :D

[Suzie S.]

Betty, welcome to our wonderful family here! Thank you for sharing a bit of yourself with us. Please accept my sympathies on the loss of your dear wife. Please feel free to share your feelings with us and join in anytime you feel comfortable. We are all here for each other, and be happy to help and give support in any way we can. :hugs:

[Karren H]

Very sorry to hear about your wife.... But glad you found a new hobby.......... and us..

Love Karren

[Marcie Sexton]

Welcome, I am truely sorry for your loss, we will always be there to support you...our little community where we never lock our doors...

[soccervixen]

Betty -

Sorry about your loss. I hope the coming days, weeks, and years will provide comfort and hope for living which may seem kind of dim right now in the grief.

I, like you, and a late comer to this crossdressing game. I define it in my own terms, like most everyone here - there is quite a spectrum, from those like me who just like to wear women's clothes (especially underclothes / sleepwar), to those who feel almost fully female. You'll find people here you resonate with in any case.

And if I were living on my own now (married, 3 teenagers!), I, too, would be exploring my dressing much more each evening once home! Go for it!

[Charleen]

Hi Betty and welcome! You found a terrific place here.
You have my sympathy on the loss of your wife. I went through the same thing with my wife of 30 years about a year and a half ago, also cancer, and I was the care giver, though I did have some help from Hospice, it was only for may a half hour a day, so I know not omly what your wife went trough, but you as well. Hell doesn't even begin to descibe it. I also know about trying to sleep. Hospice suggested Tylanol PM and it works without any undo side effects.
As far as CDing goes, I know you have alot of questions. Take it slow and do alot of reading on this site. The guys and gals are an amazing bunch, and we are always here to help out, lend a shoulder, or give a laugh.
With your feelings over the loss of your wife, a little advice- when you're going through Hell, don't take the time to sight see! You'll be OK:hugs:
Love and xxxx, Lily

[terri jane]

thanks Betty for your post. so sorry to hear about your wife, quite a loss. I am new here also and do not dress at the moment due to agreement with wife. you were very lucky to share with your wife. I know from all my wonderful years on earth that the desire to be femme does not go away. i also loved wearing silky underthings under jeans and shirt felt like i was sexy as all get out and yet taking chances that i couldnt take if I went all out. I woukld have to spend lots of time in beauty parlor to pass. again welcome

[Holly]

Betty, my most sincere sympathy goes out to you at the loss of your wife, I'm sure that some days must seem almost unbearable. We, as a community, are more than happy to assist you with your grief. Perhaps your rekindled interest in dressing is an attempt to keep connected all those wonderful traits your precious wife brought out in you and made you into the complete person that you are today. Whatever the reason, we would like to help you with that as well. We're never further than a click away.

[Valerie Nicole]

Hi Betty. I'm very sorry to hear about what happened with your wife. I'm too young to have ever been married, let alone lose a wife, but I am not a stranger to sudden and tragic losses. I understand, to some extent, what it is you're going through. You have probably figured out that you have found yourself a wonderful and supportive community of caring brothers and sisters here. Welcome aboard.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Hey Betty,


Good to have you here. Having gone through cancer battle with my adult daughter I know you are right about how the struggle changes everything.

We find it strengthening and uplifting to share here with other sisters what many of us dare not even whisper in public. You are not alone now.


Hugs,
Emily Ann

[EmmaJane TS]

Hi Betty,

I sorry to hear about the loss of your wife, I'm sure in time you'll get in all worked out. Enjoy exploring your femme side and never worry about what other people think. If it feels right just go with the flow and have fun.

Hugs and kisses,

EmmaJ.

[paulap]

Betty,

Welcome and sorry about your loss. I cannot fathom the thoughts and emotions.

I am becoming more comfortable with my new life as a result of the sharing, advice, and humor shared here. (Thanks, everyone!) I think you and I have some shared interests in the artwork.

P

[sissystephanie]

Betty,

My deepest condolences on the loss of your wife. I lost my wife to cancer two years ago, and it still hurts. We had been married 49 1/2 years, and I had crossdressed from day one. I told her when we got engaged and she was completely accepting. As I have told others, we wore matching white silk lingerie to the wedding, and to bed that night.

This forum is the greatest thing I have found (well, other than feminine clothing!!). The ladies are so caring and helpful. I hope you continue to enjoy dressing,and also continue make use of this forum. If you have any desire to chat, email me at sissystephanie@comcast.net. I promise I will answer, maybe not right away but I will answer.

Sissy

More Girl than man

[NewBetty]

Sandra,angie,Suzie S.,Karren, Marcie, Soccer Vixen,Terri Jane,Jessica,Emma J,Emily Ann, & Paula:

Thanks, girls! I'm dressed, I'm back, and I'm grateful to you all.

There comes a point after a death whrer friends stop coming around, go back to their own lives, and call you occasionally to say how much they miss you. The big show is over, and you're just a sad and difficult person to be around, the spouse they also loved is gone, and they just aren't able to be there for you anymore.

You've all helped me today.Thank you all.

[NewBetty]

Hi, Betty, you are brave beyond words! Please accept my sincere condolences on your sad loss. I feel that perhaps the spirit of your dear wife is with you and guiding you: the one thing death can never, ever break is the bond of true love between two people. Yes, I am a spiritualist - as perhaps you have guessed - and I do of course understand that this is not everyione's cup of tea (and I have no desire to offend anyone!) - so all I will say is that, if you feel you ever need to talk to someone, I am here for you. And, in fairness, I should imagine that all the other girls would say exactly the same thing.

Diane,
My girl was a very powerful, knowledgeable and spiritual person.
I have actually had moments of limited connection with her. I started smoking cigs again, after 20 years off 'em, the night she died. Man, she would have hated that. But when I asked if she'd forgive me for it from the other side I got an immediate yes. Had to be her, I never could answer a question that fast.

I talk to her when I'm outside walking around the block smokin' and she's communicated to me that it's ok I'm dressing. This is interesting as these last few years she became more femme (was almost a tomboy when I fell for her) and I more male. Maybe I was already feeling the hidden disease and wanted to protect her more? I think it was really that she'd slimmed down and was really enjoying dressing her new lil' body.

I choose to believe she's really with me when she can be, she's a powerful soul.

[NewBetty]

Hi Betty and welcome! You found a terrific place here.
You have my sympathy on the loss of your wife. I went through the same thing with my wife of 30 years about a year and a half ago, also cancer, and I was the care giver, though I did have some help from Hospice, it was only for may a half hour a day, so I know not omly what your wife went trough, but you as well. Hell doesn't even begin to descibe it. I also know about trying to sleep. Hospice suggested Tylanol PM and it works without any undo side effects.
As far as CDing goes, I know you have alot of questions. Take it slow and do alot of reading on this site. The guys and gals are an amazing bunch, and we are always here to help out, lend a shoulder, or give a laugh.
With your feelings over the loss of your wife, a little advice- when you're going through Hell, don't take the time to sight see! You'll be OK:hugs:
Love and xxxx, Lily

Oh, Lily, it's like the suffering just replays over and over till you just freak out. Especially if you try to sleep when you're just tired and heartsick instead of waiting till you are so exhausted you can no longer pace around or stand up anymore.

The hospice people were great, and my girl HATED Docs and hospitals so she was home the whole time, at least we got that much.

Thank you, thank you! I think it takes another member of the dead spouse club to really fully understand how totally this whole thing overwhelms your existence.

[NewBetty]

Betty, my most sincere sympathy goes out to you at the loss of your wife, I'm sure that some days must seem almost unbearable.
Yeah today was one of those. I'm finally dressed and reading the responses from all you gals... it's helping. Thank You.

[NewBetty]

Betty,

My deepest condolences on the loss of your wife. I lost my wife to cancer two years ago, and it still hurts. We had been married 49 1/2 years, and I had crossdressed from day one. I told her when we got engaged and she was completely accepting. As I have told others, we wore matching white silk lingerie to the wedding, and to bed that night.

Sissy

More Girl than man

Sissy,
Thanks! I'm sorry to hear of your loss of someone clearly as wise and understanding as my own girl. You must miss her every day.

[kerrianna]

I choose to believe she's really with me when she can be, she's a powerful soul.

She is.
She knows she is still loved.

:hugs::rose:

[Angie G]

Betty I'm sorry for your loss I've been with my wife for 39 years I could not stand the thought of losing her.
And I don't know what that would do to Angie :hugs:
Angie

[Dixie]

Betty, I don't know what to say except that my heart goes out to you. I am learning a little of what you must have went through myself and qute frankly I'm scared sh*#less. I could not bear losing my wife we are soul mates, we dreamt of each other before we ever met, we moved to the same town where we met within six months of each other. She dressed me up on one of our early dates, I admitted to her later I had crossdressed before and liked it, she said "I know, I had the feeling that you had, and just wanted to let you know that it was ok." I love her so much. I Send out the warmest of wishes to you as you are my sister, in this forum we are a family, if we can't count on each other what's the point? :love: :hugs: Dixie

[NewBetty]

Angie:
Thank you. I've got friends to talk to about my life & the loss of my wife... but this CD thing (on top of everything else goin on right now) isn't what I or they will feel comfortable with. Good 2 have you gals rallying to my side as I try to process yet ANOTHER facet of my new beginnings.

Dixie:
I don't know what you and your wife are going through, but it sounds like you are as lucky and as fated a couple as the relationship I was so proud to be a part of. I'll talk to ya on PM if you need to reach out to a cancer veteran SO.I've noticed this whole thing has increased my sense of compassion and respect for others(at least on the GOOD days).

[Alyshia121]

That's so sad
I'm so sorry to hear that; please take care and have a wonderful time chatting with us all.

[Di]

Hi Betty,

I sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. Hope you find comfort and new friends here.

[Mary Morgan]

Hi Betty, I lost my wife in 1997 after 28 years of marriage, two kids, and a life that I thought couldn't be any better. She died from complications of Hodgkins Lymphoma. I thought I would die myself, in fact I really didn't care if I lived or died, it just didn't matter to me. I did find myself drawn more deeply to crossdressing than before, perhaps it was the freedom to dress, perhaps it was trying to find a substitute for my lost love, but it did become more important to me and I dressed every chance I got. Two years later I met my current wife, and I stopped dressing for five years. Today, I dress fully every chance I get, and not often enough.

My point in telling you this is that I think that some CDs are drawn to dressing as an escape, some because they are comfortable knowing themselves, some because they are lonely, and some for all of these reasons and many more.

I know your sadness and I feel deeply for you. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, enjoy yourself when you can, and let a little time go by. There is a future, and I know that you will again find happiness if you just give it time.

[NewBetty]

Louise,
I am constantly stunned how many folks have stepped up & told me they've gone through this loss. We are so... many...

OK... I'm composed:
"I thought I would die myself, in fact I really didn't care if I lived or died, it just didn't matter to me. I did find myself drawn more deeply to crossdressing than before, perhaps it was the freedom to dress, perhaps it was trying to find a substitute for my lost love, but it did become more important to me and I dressed every chance I got."
Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!

You've totally nailed it.

[JacquiUKTV]

Betty...the other sisters that have replied to you have spoken with such eloquence and compassion...I can add little except to say: All the love in the world to you darling. God Bless...J

[stephanietv]

Very sorry to hear about your wife.... But glad you found a new hobby.......... and us..

Love Karren

thanks for your story it has brought help to me
love steph

[sissystephanie]

Thank you, thank you! I think it takes another member of the dead spouse club to really fully understand how totally this whole thing overwhelms your existence.

Betty,

You are so right. Only those of us who have lost a spouse can fully appreciate what we go thru. As I said in my previous post, it has been 2 years and my life is still not really on track. Since she knew about my CD activities, I dressed a lot before she left me. However, I dress a lot more now. If I am not going out on sales calls, (yes I am still working at age 74) I dress totally enfemme all day.

BTW, I talk to my wife all the time and so do both my children. You know she hears you, and will sometimes answer you. Mine does, to all of us.

Stay healthy, try to be happy, and most of all do what you think is best for you.

Sissy

More Girl than man

[Bobbie cd]

Hi Betty,

It will be easy to be "gentile", seeing as how I'm not jewish! :D LOL.

(Sorry, couldn't resist that one, even in sorrow, you need to smile sometimes just to give the hurt a chance to escape.)

On a more serious note, I am so sorry to hear about your wife. I lost my wife of 20 years almost 8 years ago now. It changes everything, in a moment, even if you see it coming in advance like a slow-motion train wreck. My wife lost a battle with cirrosis of the liver, not cancer, but it was still a painful and difficult time. I spent many hours caring for her, though I certainly can't claim to have gone through the sort of hell that you must have in dealing with such a horrible event.

Nothing can ever replace someone that you love that much, but eventually you get through the shock and the loss to a point where you can gain some equilibrium. In time, you come to realize that someone who loved you enough to share her life with you would not ever want you to shut yourself away from life, but would want you to wipe your tears and with a place for her firmly kept in your heart, face the world and try to find your place in it again as best as you can.

:hugs:
Bobbie

[gwenrob43]

Hi Betty,
So very sorry for your loss. I really empathize with you; my wife has been very sick with effects of diabetes for the last 9 years. Her sight has been effected, she had a double transplant operation in 98 (Kidney and Pancreas), she had to have three major operations: the first took over 8 hours, the last two took over 3 hours each. As a result I've been nurse, caregiver, chauffer, housekeeper (I'm not very good at that one), and still husband. I haven't dressed in years, but all of a sudden the last couple of years, I began to dress again. Thought I was over it too. My wife knows I dress, but prefers not to be around or see me or my things. Enjoy yourself, life is short.
Love,

Gwen

[NewBetty]

Hi, Girls.
Well...see this is exactly what I'm talking about. You lose a spouse;
It's like you're suddenly part of this gigantic brotherhood/sisterhood of grief.
And the dues are too horrible to wish upon anyone. So eventually we just talk to each other.

[Billijo49504]

Hi Betty, I too have walked in those shoes. So I kinda know what you are going through. My first wife died in 1984 of brain cancer. But I want to tell you, be strong, if only for your own sanity. There is really life after such a terrible thing happening. I met my current wife as a baby sitter for my girls, and things worked for us, and they can for you. Just don't grab on to the first one you find. Please make sure it's the right one, before you let her near your money. I was cleaned out by a supposed friend. So good luck and I do wish you all the best...:love: .BJ

[racquel]

Welcome to the forum.I cannot imagine life without my wife. I am sorry for your loss and hope you are going to be o.k.
There is a certain amount of comfort and peace to be found in shoe shopping though:D