Femenine and Masculine Roles in Relationships

[sobe1ove GG]

What do you all think about feminine and masculine roles in relationships? It seems that almost every relationship has one person that's largely feminine and the other that's largely masculine. This seems to be the case with many different kinds of couples, including gay and lesbians.

Now my question is how this fits into a relationship that has a crossdresser (this question can apply to FTM, too.) Do most crossdressing MTF naturally get drawn to women who are more masculine?

I think this may be a problem in my own relationship. I am VERY feminine and enjoyed playing that role in the relationship. Now that my boyfriend is starting to fulfill his CD dreams, this means that he will also be feminine. I feel that there is somewhat of an imbalance. Also, I always felt like my feminity and girly nature was what made me special in the relationship. Now that he will be doing the same, he is essentially taking away what made me special, and double how special he is.

And no, I don't want to play the masculine role when he's dressed. :) He suggested that to me. Not interested! I prefer to wear all my pink and skirts and makeup, thank you.

Do any of you think it's easier to be with a partner that plays the opposite role? If you're femme, do you want her to be masculine? Vice Versa?

Sobe

[JoAnnDallas]

If my wife knew and supported my CDing, I would want her to just be herself. I am not sure how I would treat her while dressed, but I hope that she would not be offended by me being dressed and being feminine.

[Valerie Nicole]

I've never (consciously) thought about how feminine the women I've been interested in were, but now that you mention it, just about every girl I've ever been interested in has explicitly told me that she does not consider herself to be very feminine. That being said, I do not think that balance is necessary. If you are concerned about losing something by not being the only feminine one in the relationship, there are two things I suggest.

The first one is a no-brainer, and something I assume you have already done. That is talk to him about it. The other thing is (I don't want to speak for him here, but this is something that could very easily be true) he probably doesn't want to be feminine all the time. He wants to express the feminine side of himself through Leah. At heart, I think he is still the man you love.

It might help you to see it this way. Nothing has truly changed, other than your awareness. He is still the same person he always was, the only difference is that now you know about it. I have read this sort of thing in a lot of books. I shudder to call them "self help" books because these ones actually work, but thats what they are. In these books, the analogy of "the blind man who could suddenly see" is used quite often. Nothing has changed, even though it seems like everything has changed.

I hope this helps.

[sobe1ove GG]

I agree with you to a point Phil. The only thing is that he HAS changed. He acts differently now.

When he tries on ladies clothes at home, he acts a lot different. He didn't even realize he was doing it.

I'd say that if he acts different, things have changed.

[Tree GG]

I agree with you to a point Phil. The only thing is that he HAS changed. He acts differently now.

When he tries on ladies clothes at home, he acts a lot different. He didn't even realize he was doing it.

I'd say that if he acts different, things have changed.

:iagree:

[Valerie Nicole]

I agree as well. I didn't realize there was a change in behaviour that has come since the dressing began, though maybe I should have dressed. I still hope you are talking to him about this, because I think that would do the most good of all. :hugs:

[Felix]

Hi Sobe I can see where ya coming from on this one. As for our relationship I definitely play the male role no question and Yachica the fem role she is most definitely the mother figure :heehee: I like it that way it feels comfortable and right somehow xx Felix :hugs:

[CaptLex]

Do any of you think it's easier to be with a partner that plays the opposite role? If you're femme, do you want her to be masculine? Vice Versa?

Sobe
You have a good point, Sobe, I think that's probably the case more often than not - in all types of relationships (gay, straight, bi, TG, etc.) so I can understand the need to have a balance, and I can see how something like crossdressing can throw it off balance. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, and I also believe these things need to be taken on a case-by-case basis, but I definitely understand where you're coming from.

Of course, now you've got me thinking about my own feelings on the subject. I'm a mix of the two (the best definition is a "girly boy"), so I'm attracted to others who are also a mix of the two - semi-fem men or masculine female-bodied men (transmen). I'm definitely not attracted to anyone on the ultra-feminine side of the spectrum, and probably not to anyone who is ultra-macho either. I guess either one of those would throw me off-balance.

You're one smart cookie, and I applaud your asking questions and looking for answers. :happy:

[Jenny Beth]

I might be the one who dresses more feminine but my wife is the woman in our relationship. From what I gather you feel that another woman is taking your rightful place and understandably so you feel threatened. What's needed here are boundaries that you can both live with. Relationships such as these require lots of talk and even more listening, what works for one couple doesn't necessarily work for another. But the bottom line is you should never be forced to accept something you are not comfortable with. To do so will only build anger and in time will make your relationship difficult to maintain.

[Shelly Preston]

I dont think you can generalise of who we choose to become involved with.

Some will prefer more masculine men while others wont, we simply have too much of a wide spectrum of people

Yes we may become more femminie for a few hours but is that so bad

[Brianna Lovely]

What do you all think about feminine and masculine roles in relationships?

I am VERY feminine and enjoyed playing that role in the relationship. Now that my boyfriend is starting to fulfill his CD dreams, this means that he will also be feminine.

Also, I always felt like my feminity and girly nature was what made me special in the relationship. Now that he will be doing the same, he is essentially taking away what made me special, and double how special he is.

Sobe

My personal feelings are, that I would like a masculine man as a SO. Because I'm always part fem, no matter how I'm dressed, just more fem when dressed.

Hmm, sometimes I forget "when" we are.

Sobe, you say that you enjoy, "playing the role" of acting feminine.
Gee whiz, there was a time when being feminine was considered normal behavior. Now you see it as something special?
I guess, in this age of jeans and tees, you're an exception.

I think, what makes you special, is you. And no one can take that away from you. You can not become less of a woman, but you can help your SO be more feminine.

You could be "lovers" when he's in drab and "girl friends" when he's enfemme.

[Kate Simmons]

Roles are roles and people are people. You ARE a very special person Sobe.Myself? I don't particularly pay that much attention to the role some is playing than I do the person themself.The person is the important part. Being the person we are is what makes us all special and unique.:happy: Sal

[joperinal]

My SO doesn't know anything, but last time she told me I was like the woman around in th house (if only she knew) :heehee: : doing the flowers/ garden, like cooking, ironing my stuff, bit more clean.up mood then she is.

[shannonsilk]

I hope you two can work it out. How much do our actions and appearance affect who we are? More than we think.
My last GF who i broke up with before i knew about the forum was very likely a Ft M. She liked to wear men's pants ( she claimed it was because the pockets were deeper), wore no makeup, never shaved, etc. I think I was drawn to her besause of this.
shannon

[Fab Karen]

What do you all think about feminine and masculine roles in relationships? It seems that almost every relationship has one person that's largely feminine and the other that's largely masculine. This seems to be the case with many different kinds of couples, including gay and lesbians.

Now my question is how this fits into a relationship that has a crossdresser (this question can apply to FTM, too.) Do most crossdressing MTF naturally get drawn to women who are more masculine?

I think this may be a problem in my own relationship. I am VERY feminine and enjoyed playing that role in the relationship. Now that my boyfriend is starting to fulfill his CD dreams, this means that he will also be feminine. I feel that there is somewhat of an imbalance. Also, I always felt like my feminity and girly nature was what made me special in the relationship. Now that he will be doing the same, he is essentially taking away what made me special, and double how special he is.

And no, I don't want to play the masculine role when he's dressed. :) He suggested that to me. Not interested! I prefer to wear all my pink and skirts and makeup, thank you.

Do any of you think it's easier to be with a partner that plays the opposite role? If you're femme, do you want her to be masculine? Vice Versa?

Sobe
Sounds like you're looking for an answer of: ALL crossdressers want such & such. We're as diverse as any group of people. You need sit & talk about what you both want/need sexually- if he's hoping to be sexual in girl-mode & play the role of more submissive partner it sounds like that's something that you have no interest in. Just sometimes dressing up is not the same thing as sexual preference. If you're not talking the sexual realm at all, is it such a big deal for him to be femme on occasion? Men generally don't marry someone they don't see as special.

[Melanie R]

All men and women have both feminine and masculine components to their personalites. For my wife and I we attempt to achieve a balance between our masculinity and femininity. As a TG person at times I am 80% feminine and 20% masculine. When the need is there I can shift and be 80% masculine. I have also seen my wife when she was 80% masculine. The clothing is not what makes one feminine. Feminine attire is only an external manifestation of your inner feminine feelings and emotions. My wife's last book, Who's Really From Venus?, was based on the premise that TG persons need to move toward a balance in their femininity and masculinity. This can also apply to the wife.

[Ericka2]

Well Sobe, I can understand you completelly, my boyfriend is way more femenine that I, because when he cd, he loves the sext reveal look. I'm more concervative but latelly because we have the same body size we are able to wear the same clothing most of the time; but I'm not sure if that is such a good idea. Can someone help me on this issue if we should put boundaries on our clouthing, because most of the time i try to feel like if I have a sister or a best friend living with me when he cd, but Im really not sure is that is a good Idea; since the other day he bought a very sexy pair of jeans and I wore them, Im telling you, he was not too impress, and I really want to be there for him/her but sharing the clouthing is a good idea. please help!!!!

[Josephine 1941]

Great Questions again for all to think about. Now IS A PERSONS SOUL MALE OR FEMALE. My girl friend and I have, what I think is a great realation ship. Each of us takes on the role of the dominte one weather we are dressed or naked. When you make love with the person you are with are you always the aggerestor or the dominnet one. It realy is a no brainer enjoy the person you are with, stop the role playing. When I dress it is in my cloths what ever they may be. I do like when my girl friend come out dressed in something of mine, it reafferms that I have good taste in clothing an we are both the same size in all forms of clothing. When the rest of the world stops looking for a male or female type we will be in the for frount. Right now women can wear anything they like hope fully in the future we can to.

Joesphine

[Ericka2]

I like you answer, but still I need more imput in all this. I don't have issues on who should be more dominant or the agressive one. I see my my partner when whe turns into Ericka like a girlfriend of mine; it does not turn me on to see him as Ericka. I love putting the make up on her and will not lie, I get jelous sometimes on how good his behind looks; since i don't have such a good behind. I guest I just want to make sure I respect what ever bounderies there should be in this kind of relashionship. I love him and want to have fun with him/her at the same time, and it makes me really happy when he's happy when Ericka comes out. I'll apreciate more imput on this topic thank you all...

[cocopuff's girl GG]

If my wife knew and supported my CDing, I would want her to just be herself. I am not sure how I would treat her while dressed, but I hope that she would not be offended by me being dressed and being feminine.

Key words here: You want her to just be herself... right.... So why wouldn't she want you to just be yourself. You know her as a her right as a woman and she knows you as a man right??? Whay I'm saying is as for me at this point and time I want to be with a man. My gay first cousin has a gay lover.... Duhhh and he said if his lover wanted to CD is would turn him off cause he wants to be with a man ... That's the whole purpose of being gay right???? and I suppose with the lesbians too although there is that word that comes to mind ummm Butch lol I don't know I'm confused... All I can say is when me and the SO get JIggy wid it ( shagging ) so my son tells me is the correct terminology these days, I want to be with a man in the bed and when were out of the bed he can be what ever he wants to be..... :2c:

[kerrianna]

I think it's a fairly common thing that comes up with many CDs and their partners, the switching of gender roles. It is easier if both partners are fairly flexible in their gender identity and behaviour, but even then there are times when it's "No, it's my turn to be the girl!" The key is communication and respect.

You are entitled to feel the way you do and ask your partner to respect what works for you and what doesn't. If he's smart he'll find a way to make that work for his stuff, because the alternative is heartache and discord. But mainly talk about things and throw some ideas at each other, even if they're not completely palatable at first. You may find that a reshaping of an idea one of you has as to how to keep each other happy works quite well. But you both need to keep creative and supportive and understanding of where each other is coming from.

The thing is feeling feminine is a deep strong desire for many of us, and we need times to express that. We don't necessarily want to compete, or force you to participate, but we do want to share what's important and exciting to us. We need to work together to find ways to do that that works for both parties.

There are times though when the CDer really should back off. I remember dancing once with Carol at home when we were both dressed very feminine and I realized that it just wasn't working...I was invading her feminine space...so I got changed and let her revel in her space. In our case, both of us kind of meet in the middle anyway and operate outside of convention, so usually it's fairly mellow. Not always. That's why it's important for us CDers to be sensitive to our partner's moods and needs. :hugs: :love:

[Alice Torn]

We are complex beings. Even God must have masculine, and some fem traits, if it all originated there! One person in a relationship tends to "wear the pants" more, but flexibility, is very healthy, and sharing "wearing the pants", is healthy. Sometimes, we have problems, when both "wear the pants", at once. Then, diplomacy, goodwill, must be used, because it is hard for two people, to be in the same pair of pants.

[EmmaB GG]

For me it's not about being masculine or feminine, but more about attitudes, and what type of person a CDer is attracted to.

I'm probably quite a feisty person which is what attracted my SO to me - I can be quite assertive and confident at times, especially at work which is where we first met - does that make me more "masculine"? Not really, but it was an attitude that he liked. Am probably just a bossy woman!

But I think when a CDing partner moves it into the realm of sex, then other things come into play - a CDing partner wanting their SO to play a more masculine role during intimate moments is sort of challenging the GG's sexuality - if being with a woman doesn't do anything for her, then 'being with you' when you're en femme probably won't either! There are ways round it, though ... !

[racquel]

My s/o NEVER wears dresses or skirts or make-up so I guess I'm kind of lucky in that regard.However this thread has me thinking.

[cindychan]

To be honest I've recently been attracted to tomboys. Oh god what a tangled web I weave:heehee:

[Sheri 4242]

Sobe,

Let me preface my remarks by telling you that, thus far, I think you have asked highly intellient questions in a most articulate way. You seem to be extremely intelligent -- one who aproaches important things in your life with great passion! I hope our comments have been, and will continue to be, helpful!

Let me say that, in the main, one very important aspect of any relationship is achieving balance. That said, CDing doesn't have to throw off the balance between you and your bf, especially in re femininity and masculinity. I'll get on topic in a minute, but first let me say that, in general, maybe what is needed is some straight talk that leads to mutually acceptable boundaries. Where those lines are drawn are going to be different from couple to couple -- that said, there has to exist compromise and a wilingness to, when appropriate, push boundaries a little. This can't be a "one way street" -- it has to be mutual "baby steps." Some CDs want things to move very quickly once the cat is out of the bag, so to speak, and that isn't necessarily acceptable or reasonable. Boundaries should be considered as moveable -- as temporary stopping off points that one partner or the other needs.

In the relationship my wife and I share, I can now see that maybe what attracted us to each other in such a major way is how we individually believed and acted. My wife can be as girly-girl as they come! She has a strong feminine component, but, until she really got to studying CDing and the broader, but inclusive topic of transgenderism, I don't think she truly realized the constraints of society and the unfairness of many of society's labels. Having said how feminine my wife can be, she absolutely has a "tomboy" streak. I didn't see it when we first met, but it became apparent latter. She didn't see my feminine side -- and, at first was dubious about it, dubious that is until she all of a sudden realized that much of what she liked about me "as a manly man" came from my feminine side!!!

You ask, "Do most crossdressing MTF naturally get drawn to women who are more masculine?" Well, in our case, no!!! My wife is very feminine, her tomboy aspect notwithstanding; her tomboy side didn't really show itself when we were "falling in love and heading to the alter."

I am convinced that part of what you are looking for is based in perception!!!

First, early in our relationship (dating and heading quickly towards marriage), I had to tell her that I was a CD -- I just had to!!! So, I started slowly -- I first told her that I liked the feel of nylon and silk -- that I loved "silky legs against silky legs," and that, since the time when I was a very little boy, I loved wearing high heels, skirts, hose/tights, and nighties. She said this was okay, but I think she had great reservations. So, we went shopping, bought matching nightgowns, pumps, panties, and thigh hi's. When she first saw me dressed (and I was oh so nervous), her first comment was that it took a real man to show this side of himself and to dress that way.

Second, she next needed to learn -- some things from me, some from research. She had to be assured that I wasn't gay (she was operating a little on the incorrect assumption so many have that if I CD'd, I must be gay -- the literature really helped on this). She needed to know if I wanted to become a woman through SRS. (No, I am a heterosexual CD.) She needed to know if I would be the "man of the house" when needed, and her equal partner in most everything. (Yes and yes.)

It wasn't until later that I saw her tomboy side. We now look at it as a comical sort of thing: she would much rather sleep in one of my t-shirts, and I would much rather sleep in a nightie!!! She fully accepts this (as I accept the t-shirts) and she quickly saw how unfair society is regarding CDing. She is the first to say how inconsistent society is about this topic -- IOW, how unfair it is that Sarah Jessica Parker can wear a tailored version of a man's suit (with neck tie) and be considered "chic" and "in vogue" and "sexy," yet, let a man wear a miniskirt and heels to the mall and how many will think look at the "perv."

To continue to answer your question, my wife is the woman in our marriage, and I am the husband. No doubt about it!!! BUT, she is the woman (who wears men's t-shirts to bed), and I am the man (who wears nighties to bed and who dresses in skirts around the house at every opportunity.

One VERY IMPORTANT thing that I have learned is that, from time-to-time, my wife needs "her husband." IOW, there are times when she doesn't need Barbara, she needs my masculine side. We both had to learn that, as occasional as this is, neither of us is a mind reader -- you have to articulate what you want and/or need!!! Just as in any marriage, there has to be compromise and equal give-and-take, and communication!!!

I coud go on and on, but let me draw this to a close for now by saying (as you may or may not know) that frequently when the CDing "cat is out of the bag," it is VERY common for the CD to move full speed ahead. If this is the case with your bf, you are going to have to get him to slow down -- tell him what you are feeling and what boundaries you might need (and add that boundaries are meant to be moved as you both grow in comfort and knowledge). We found that, regardless of how I am dressed, I am the man, and however my wife is dressed, my wife is the woman. Most important, my wife learned that many of the qualities she liked in me were direct extensions of my feminine side. You can be the very feminine woman you say you are regardless of what you are wearing, and your bf can be the man, even with the feminine aspect he has to his very being or what he happens to be wearing.

Keep asking whatever questions you have -- on this site you will always get open and insightful answers!!!

Good luck - and keep us posted!!!
Barbara

[Taurus44 GG]

What do you all think about feminine and masculine roles in relationships? It seems that almost every relationship has one person that's largely feminine and the other that's largely masculine. This seems to be the case with many different kinds of couples, including gay and lesbians.

Now my question is how this fits into a relationship that has a crossdresser (this question can apply to FTM, too.) Do most crossdressing MTF naturally get drawn to women who are more masculine?

I think this may be a problem in my own relationship. I am VERY feminine and enjoyed playing that role in the relationship. Now that my boyfriend is starting to fulfill his CD dreams, this means that he will also be feminine. I feel that there is somewhat of an imbalance. Also, I always felt like my feminity and girly nature was what made me special in the relationship. Now that he will be doing the same, he is essentially taking away what made me special, and double how special he is.

And no, I don't want to play the masculine role when he's dressed. :) He suggested that to me. Not interested! I prefer to wear all my pink and skirts and makeup, thank you.

Do any of you think it's easier to be with a partner that plays the opposite role? If you're femme, do you want her to be masculine? Vice Versa?

Sobe


I can only speak for my CD mate and I, in that, I know he would like for me to take on a more masculine side at times when he's in Fem garb. We've had a few talks on the matter as I have no interest in taking on the male role. However, we do have a unique relationship because we do have share a D/s, power exchange dynamic. But even in the confines of our PE relationship, I never signed on for having a CD as lover, so I like to separate the two which can be tricky and is something we are still working out.

I think when anyone pressures another to compromise who their core self is to accommodate the other person's desires, you do a big disservice to the relationship. Isn't it enough that the person accepts one's uniqueness in a world where others scorn. It would be wonderful for the CD that wishes for his GG to exchange rolls if the GG were to enjoy that exchange; but if this is not something the partner has any interest in doing, why complicate or cause strife where there need not be? I don't think it fair that the GG should have to sacrifice her inner self anymore than the CD has to sacrifice themselves by not being who they are. If the GG is adamant about not wanting to take on the a male role at any time or even to engage in girl on girl experiences, that should be respected. Its fine to bring it up for discussion, but to harp on it would just cause resentment.

I adore my CD mate, but the minute he goes overboard with the fem role, (meaning he wants me to react in as a male) I put the brakes on. I have no intentions of being the man in the relationship. I take the dominant roll with pleasure, but only as strong feminine woman.

Rosa

[BlUeDrAgOn]

I don't know any gay couples, but from what I know, one of them is more masculine and the other more feminine (sorry if I'm sayin something stupid).

Regular couples normally play more obvious roles in their relationships. But I guess there are cases where sometimes they both switch sides from time to time. Sexualy speaking, there are men that like to be posessed by their female lovers, but that's as far as I know about this subject.

In my case, the roles so far have been the regular ones, but as life has taught me many times, we can never say never.