Busted by wife last night (long sorry)

[Jodi Lynn]

Hello everyone,
Well last night I got busted by my wife. She was out scrapbooking and I swear she said it was an all-nighter and all day today (Saturday). Anyways I got dressed about 11 PM after I got my son too bed. I was feeling really pretty and enjoying my time. I was sitting at my coumputer at about 2 AM and I looked up and there she was. She saw that I had my webcam set up too. She has knowen about Jodi for over a year now, but she had never seen me dressed. The s*** hit the fan. Her frist reaction was get out of "HER" house. I said sure and was changing my cloths. She took my things again, she wanted to know where the rest is as I only had a few things in the house. After a while we sat down and started talking. She want to know all the same things she wanted to know lover a year ago. Why do I dress? I told her again it is something I have done since I was around 10 or 11 and that it makes me feel good to get dressed. She want to try and understand why I started. I told it it was something that I did years ago and it felt good so I keep doing it. She said it had to be something that trigered it, I told her I don't remember what it was if anything. She didn't belive me. She asked me what made me dress last night. I told here I though I had a chance to feel good about myself. She asked who I was chatting and caming with. I told her other cd's and that was the truth. She asked what we were talking about, I told her normal girl things, cloths how nice we looked stuff like that. She wanted to know if it is about sex, I told her no it is not a sexual thing for me. We talked about how we have growen apart over the years. How we have went our owen ways and do oyur own things. How she wishes that we could do things together. I told her how I have felt that she has pushed me away from her over the years. How she has taked advanatage of me over the yeras. We have a handcapped son and I stay home to take care of him while she goes out to do her things. Then after her Mom moved in with us 3 years ago, she put her care on me too so she could still do her things. I told her that I don't mind taking care of them. I told her I know she needs time away from them both as it is a big job to take care of them all the time, and that I want her to be happy and be able to do here things and get away from her everyday problems. After an hour I though our talk was going good, that all of a sudden it all changed. She went off on me again how I was full of it. She told me she thinks I am doing it just to hurt her, to rebel against her and that I have allways bebeled against her in everthign I have done in the past 32 years of marrage. She told me that I can stop anytime I want, and that I have to control this and not do it anymore. She told me she is tired of me being an enbearrasment to her. She said that the only reason I let her go out is so I can dress. I told her that is not true, and that I want her to be happy. She then stormed off to the bedroom. After a while I decided to go to bed too. I got in bed and she turned the TV on very load, turned the light on, told me to get out of her bed I wasn't welcome there. After a while I gave up and went to sleep on the couch. Today when she got up she asked if I had taken care of our son, I said yes. She said she was going back to scrapbooking, and see you later. My stuff is still sitting on the floor in the bedroom. I don't know what to do with it I want to put it away, but I don't think she wants me to. I know it well make her all upset again if I don't put it away but I also know she will get upset if I don't. I am going to put it away and see what happens. She is suppose to go out again tonight too, but I don't know if she will. I will have to see where this all goes and keep you all informed as to how it goes.

[Shelly Preston]

Wow sorry to hear you had serious fight about dressing

All you can do is keep communicating with her she may have been more upset as your son could have woken up and caught you. You have a long difficult road ahed of you. I am not sure how willing she would be to try and understand more.

The fact you also said dressing made you feel good about yourself may have given her the impression you dont feel good when your with her. It seems you need to come to some sort of compromise even if it is out of sight out of mind.
I am sure she would much prefer you put your things away than leave it for her.

Please try to keep talking :hugs:

[Sharon]

Wow, what a night! I'm so sorry for you that this all happened, Jodi Lynn, but -- who knows? -- maybe getting all this out in the open will be a good thing after the emotions have settled.

One thing I would say is that you are an equal partner in this marriage. If you want to put your things away, then just do it. You can apologize for upsetting her, but I wouldn't apologize for being who you are. I hate to suggest anything that you should do, because I don't know your wife, I don't know what she is like beyond what you say here and I have no idea what her reaction would be, and I don't know how much you are able or willing to deal with depending on her reaction.

Just try to reassure your wife that she shouldn't have any fears, and that you want to be able to calmly discuss these things so you know what is acceptable to her and what isn't. Then you need to decide if it's acceptable to you.

Good luck! :hugs:

[Julie York]

I feel sorry for you and it must be very difficult. But she seems to be having a grand time walking all over you and getting her own way by being stroppy and bullying.






(Put YOUR things away for gods sakes! You live there don't you?)

[Minerva Morgan]

Oh dear, this is so sad and must be absolutely terrifying for you. I certainly do not feel qualified, either by training or experience, to advise. It does occur to me that her reaction is the result of her own fears. Fear that she will lose you or your love. Also, the loss of the esteem of friends and family. (She mentioned being embarrased.) It also seems very likely that she simply has no comprehension of what is happening. Perhaps if you allow her to express her fears without engaging in acrimony or ultimatums, it may give you a chance to allow her to be more understanding. More accepting? I can't say, she obviously has severe problems which may be insurmountable.
If crossdressing is to become more acceptable, it is likely that present attitudes need to be altered one person at a time. Obviously, the one person for you is your wife. This will not be easy, but try to avoid allowing depression overcoming you. You have to explain something to someone who is unlikely to welcome explanations; and to explain something for which you simply have not the words or which you fully understand yourself.
Sweetie, I see a lot of trauma for both of you, but dearly wish that it leads ultimately to a much happier life for you both.

Love

Minerva

[Daintre]

I am inclined to agree with Julie, put your things away.
It seems to me that you are a very compassionate person, you have to be to look after two people in need. Your wife seems to be the dominating force in your marriage, all I can suggest is to keep talking and see if she softens. Maybe it is time for you to go out and let her take some time at home being the caregiver.
I do wish you all the best

[cocopuff's girl GG]

WOMEN :bonk: :chained: :hiding: SORRY YOU HAD A BAD NIGHT... sounds like she is feeling very insecure right now and thinks you may be cheating with other CDers or something. Reassure her and if you are drssing everytime she leaves the house I'd tone it down a bit cause if I know women like I think I know women and I'm one so I should, she's gonna pretend to go out and see if you dress. I'd bet my best pocketbook on it, It's a test to see how truthful you are about it. :2c: Best wishes, :love:

[Alex!]

Sorry to hear about this experience. I suppose on the other hand, not that it is out, you both can deal with it together. At first, these things can be quite traumatic. But with time and step-by-step effort, things can work out.

[Victoria Anne]

Jodi, I am so sorry tohear of this delema you are faced with,I know I'm not qualified to say this but here it goes. It sounds as though you are doing all the work and she is off having herselfa good time scrapbooking,don't you deserve some time for you ? As for the dressing it will be a hard to deal with as it sounds like she is pretty set on having her way in things,proper as she see's the relationship.You need to get her to come to the table so to speak and sit for a confrence of sorts to define what you and what she needs from this marriage. Hopefully you will be able to come to an agreement even ifit is a don't ask out of site settlement. You need to have time away for yourself,and dressing is a good outlet for you and helps you to feel whole. I wish you all the best of luck and sincerely hope you two can find resoloution and get your marriage back on track.:hugs:

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

Marriage is and always should be a two way street, it seems like you have sacrificed your true feelings over the years in defferrance to your wife and she is unwilling to see your side. You are an equal participant in the marriage so do what you feel is right and suffer the consequences if she can't accept it. You will never be happy with a decision that doesn't have some sort of comprimise from her and some trust in what you are telling her. Search your history, have you given her reasons to not trust what you are telling her? Again it is a two way street, it can't be all what she wants or it will not work for either of you.
Good luck.

[AllThingsPretty]

I am sorry to hear about your very bad night.

And I am sorry if this is out of line, and if so I apologize up front. But who the hell goes out scrapbooking untill 2 in the morning? I have never ever heard of this. Are you sure she is being honest with you?

[sandra-leigh]

And I am sorry if this is out of line, and if so I apologize up front. But who the hell goes out scrapbooking untill 2 in the morning? I have never ever heard of this. Are you sure she is being honest with you?

Guilt transference??

(Sorry, I don't mean to allege anything by that -- it's just what popped into my mind when I read the previous post.)

[AllThingsPretty]

If you mean her transfering guilt to him. I would agree.

[fwidman]

I agree with cocopuff's girl GG I'd be wary whenever she goes out for a while, as she more than likely will be testing you. My ex did it to me, and I failed her test LOL
As for scrapbooking late into the night is one thing, but ALL NIGHT AND INTO THE NEXT DAY? Sounds rather suspicious to me.
In some ways it sounds like you are being used as a doormat by her and she feels like she can just get rid of you by telling you to get out of her house, her bed, etc.
Oh, and yes, do put your clothes away...

[SherriePall]

Jodi Lynn -- So sorry to hear about your troubles.

[andy6432668]

I can see a divorce coming.

[Jodi Lynn]

Well girls, my wife came home about 4 this afternoon. She was very nice when she came in. She went to get changed for the party she is going to tonight. A bachlorett party for our neice. She asked where the bag of cloths was at I told her I put them away. She said go get them, she wanted to wear one of the tops tonight :shocked: So she ended up wearing my pink lace tanktop out tonight. I know this isn't over and she is confuessing the hell out of me. And for those of you that noticed, yes I do feel at times that she has to be in total control of me at all times. As for her transfering gulit to me, she has been doing that to me for years. As for the all night scrapbooking, it may sound strange, but it does happen. She has even went away to scrapbooking weekends where they scarpbook Friday late into the night, all day Saturday and then come home on Sunday.

[Leah B]

I have to disagree with everyone here: She's a b****. Lose her.

[AllieSF]

Jodi,

It appears that your new journey has just begun.

Take it slow, take the lead and try to regain some of your equal position in the marriage. She will be confused for quite sometime I think, so expect those mood swings. I would for now not throw anything out. If necessary take it someplace else if you can. Also take this opportunity to make a positive thing out of it. Like talking more with your wife about you, her, life and everything else. It is your life. Good luck and I wish you the best.

[sandra-leigh]

she is confuessing the hell out of me. And for those of you that noticed, yes I do feel at times that she has to be in total control of me at all times.

It strikes me that confusing the hell out of someone is a good way to keep control.

Speaking entirely cynically for a moment (the above being just an observation): now in a sense, you don't even own control of your clothes; they are now hers to wear or not wear or to tell you that you can or cannot wear them.

I think that it would be a good time for you to "wait and see". But you do need some "downtime" to yourself, doing things that you find relaxing, whether that's grocery shopping or hitting a Sound of Music rerun (audience participation verison of course!) or having beer and natchos with some buds, or going to the library and curling up in a chair and reading.

[Jenny Beth]

Sorry to hear things are going so badly, it sounds like it will be difficult to find middle ground if it's at all possible. It may be a while before the smoke clears so I guess at this point it's best to lay low and hope that she sees that 32 years of marriage is worth saving.

[az_azeel]

Scrapbooking......no....I am sorry Jodi, but your wife is taking the p***s, weekends away.... by all means try and talk to her but I think is gone beyond that.....Don't you....32 years of marriage is a long time...but you have a life too....and if your only life is her at the mo...then you have my support..


Hope you manage to sort it...:hugs:

[AshleyLove]

Sorry to hear about all your troubles, but you need to be more assertive!
Apologies again for being cynical, but you mentioned you've grown apart from your wife. So what is she putting in scrapbooks? Seems strange to me

[sandra-leigh]

Scrapbooking......no....I am sorry Jodi, but your wife is taking the p***s, weekends away....

I can't think of how to decode that "p***s"... but anyhow.

Google, over 3000 hits for "scrapbooking addiction", including humour about the condition, e.g. http://www.love2scrap.ca/forums/index.php?showtopic=654&pid=2209&mode=threaded&start=

It's an oddity, but it's no odder than the way my friends and I used to play Dungeons & Dragons when we were young.

[Mary Morgan]

Jodi , It is one thing for your spouse to diislike your dressing, it is quite another to be ridiculed and belittled. If this seems to be okay to you, then who am I to disagree, but I would never treat my spouse that way, and if she treated me as your's has, my crossdressing would be the least our issues. Respect, disagree if you must, but respect! I insist on it.

[deniedtoo]

Jodi , It is one thing for your spouse to diislike your dressing, it is quite another to be ridiculed and belittled. If this seems to be okay to you, then who am I to disagree, but I would never treat my spouse that way, and if she treated me as your's has, my crossdressing would be the least our issues. Respect, disagree if you must, but respect! I insist on it.

I was trying to figure out how to phrase it myself... Thank you Louise.

[Ammdi]

Jodi,
Time for some more thinking.
A therapist said to me once - What if what's best isn't what you want?

And I agree with:

It strikes me that confusing the hell out of someone is a good way to keep control.

Don't be controlled. I won't, it's why I'm single now.
You have to stick up for yourself, and be supportive at the same time. Tough spot.
Be sure to let us know how you are doing okay...?

[Butterfly Bill]

Offhand I would say your relationshilp is over. Like in kaput, shot, wasted, totaled. Look for someone else.

[Leah B]

I already said as much, but just to add to the illusion of numbers: DTMFA. Crossdressing or no, not only is your wife mean, but she's good at being mean. That television gambit was vile. She's poison. Ick.

[Stacy GG]

I'm sorry to hear your wife is so controlling and mean it sounds like. No matter how angry I have ever been with elly I've never kicked her out of our bed. It's just not going to happen. It sounds like you two need to go to couples counseling. This sounds like she's insecure, and trying to make you feel guilty for crossdressing as well. I wish you luck.

[Alice Torn]

I feel for you. That must be living hell, as old Johnny Cash would say. One day at a time. She sounds like she herself, is crossdressing, insisting on "wearing the pants."

[Angie G]

Jodi sorry you have it so hard right now maybe your wife will letup on you good luck hun :hugs:
Angie

[Sheri 4242]

A therapist said to me once - What if what's best isn't what you want?

First, I have to agree with Ammdi and what her therapist once said to her. I know many people who, for various reasons, have been given sound counsel in therapy sessions (myself inluded), to the effect that often what is in our best interest isn't the outcome we are thinking we want!!!

Second, IMHO, you are being manipulated -- and incredulously so!!! I don't want to sound uncaring, but your SO is walking all over you! Is it "guilt transference" as has been suggested? It certainly sounds like it! I'm sorry, but the hours she spends at her "hobby" plainly doesn't sound reasonable or believable! A "cover" for something else? Well, you've got to consider this as a possibility!

Next, I think you have to reasonably ask yourself what kind of person would leave you with all the responsibility that you have been left with, to pursue a hobby?!? IOW, I may be wrong, but the whole situation sounds very fishy!

Last -- and I guess we all have to do what we individually think is right for our own situations -- but regardless of your CDing, I don't think you should let her dictate the homefront! IMO, you've got to stand up for yourself and refuse to be intimidated! Whatever she's doing when she goes out for her long sessions, you have rights, too. If she intimidates you in the bedroom (loud tv, etc.), calmly tell her that this behavior is unacceptable and if she is going to persist, you'll move to another bedroom (or wherever) -- and then follow through if she pushes it. I don't know if you have heard the couples theory about how we should walk equally -- and what happens when one partner veers away and the other pursues, but it sounds like this is what is happening in your marriage. It takes determined strength to continue on the original path (or even veer a bit in the other direction), but if you'll do it, you'll most likely see her veering back to you once she realizes your going to stick to it!

I guess I have some strong opinions on this b/c of what I went through in my first marriage -- and what I have seen friends and loved ones go through (my wonderful second wife included) -- none of which had anything to do with CDing. An ex's guilt, yes, but CDing, no! Your wife seems to be using your CDing as a weapon of control. Life is too short to allow that to continue!

I hope all goes well for you! You know we are in your corner! I guess it just burns me up that your SO would use what she has to know is your true inner being to make you feel like a third class member of the marriage -- especially when you seem to be so giving and selfless in providing all the care that you do!!! My best advice is to keep your eyes open regarding her behavior and to begin to deal from strength!!! You do too much to be a door mat!!!

Barb

[jo10460]

Hi,

I think you are 2 years behind me as I am now in the process of a divorce.....was married 34 years and she found out like in year 2 way in the beginning. She never accepted it and it stayed in the closet ...she did see me dressed once , but ......"not good:.....she is a nice person but was very controlling and had anger problems.....we too grew apart over the years ...even though I loved her, her resentment of my dressing became just too much and her anger got worse......she was not girly in the last 10 and I mssed the panty hose and all the nice stuff .....she wouldn't them so I did and I let her know that part of the reason I did it was cause she only wore jeans, sweatshirt and sneakers..... Well that was the wrong thing to say....this just made us further apart.....there was no affection, hugging, appreciation .....I had a good job and made a lot of money, raised 2 good kids into adults and gave her everything over the years that she every wanted.....but it semed I never got back the love and affection that I witnessed in other couples that were married.....I wanted this,and the crossdressing......heck even any appreciation.........

So we seperated 2 yrs ago (I still pay everything) and recently we agreed to divorce .....I still remmember in December saying to here it'll never be like it was and I didn't think we could ever be happy again.....during the seperation I met a person that really loves me (but doesn't know about the cd thing) but does like my body shaved and is so much fun and we can talk about anything for hours......we have the affection and it seems like I'm a teenager again.....

It is sad when these things happen, another lady I know told me that if you love someone you do anything for them (of course not hurting anyone)....and I always thought my wife should cope and accept, she may have tried but the resentment grew ......my advice to both of you (although it probably won't work to fix things) is to see a counselor that is knowledgeable in cd'ing......if nothing else it will make you feel better about the inevetable......but there is a chance if your wife hears the right things (not just about the cd'ing) from a trained theripist that she may see where she has been dummping on you (like I had been).......and potentially do a turnabout......

Best of luck and I coule talk to you off -ine if need be as I am still upset myself about what seems to be a crime to throw away 34 years...

[melissaK]

Hmmm. Well, none of us here have been dealt your hand of cards and asked to play them, but we all have been dealt the CD/TS card, and we none of us are new to the toils and troubles that that card engenders. But the CD/TS card seems not to be the sole problem card for you.

In particular the disabled child card seems a major one. Have you stayed with your wife because you feel an obligation to your son? Has she stayed with you for similar reasons? You two have grown apart, and you seem like your wife's caregiver or mother, more so than her husband. Obviously you both have rationalized yourselves into staying in a comfort zone - allbeit a very dysfunctional comfort zone.

I side with those who think you need to risk something, and maybe play your hand differently, outside that comfort zone. But, again, your hand is not mine to play.

Hugs,
'lissa

[cocopuff's girl GG]

JOdi, I heard alot of my, my, my when you were telling us what she said. When did it become all hers. I think you need to take off the dress for a minute and get your nads down and put her in her place as far as this is ours. Perhaps she walks all over you because she see's she can. I've never heard of scapbooking that long, I don't have anything to scapbook that would take a weekend much less a night. I'd remind her of all you do too. Wait did I just say that ! Hey two can play this game why don't you drop in on her scap meet and see what's going on. I'm gonna be quiet now I've gave you plenty of amo. :love: Wild Bill you are a trip.....lol

[Cheyenne]

A different spin on this would be that when she married you, she married you as a man, not a woman. So naturally she would be upset for a multitude of reasons. Sometimes being single is the only way you can dress and be happy. It is rare to have a partner that supports you.

[sandra-leigh]

Is it "guilt transference" as has been suggested? It certainly sounds like it! I'm sorry, but the hours she spends at her "hobby" plainly doesn't sound reasonable or believable! A "cover" for something else? Well, you've got to consider this as a possibility!

Next, I think you have to reasonably ask yourself what kind of person would leave you with all the responsibility that you have been left with, to pursue a hobby?!? IOW, I may be wrong, but the whole situation sounds very fishy!


I think the situation might plausibly have a more mundane explanation. The scrapbooking might be entirely real, but driven by interior motives.

Imagine a woman with a handicapped child -- handicapped enough that someone has to stay home and watch the child. Imagine the woman's mother is also living in and is sick and confused. Now imagine that this woman is neither evil nor a saint -- and imagine that this woman is having a lot of internal trouble coping with the situation, and imagine that she knows she isn't coping well, and it really gnaws at her. Perhaps she feels guilt that she is healthy but her child is not; perhaps she feels guilt that she can't be a "good daughter" to her mother. Possibly she has even said to herself at times that "My child is having a horrible life; it would be a blessing if they were to die, and it would have been better if they had never been born"; and these thoughts might horrify her, especially if thoughts of putting the child "out of their misery" ever crossed her mind. Unable to cope with the difficulties, unable to cope with her feelings, she flees the situation to take her mind off of the trouble for a time -- and each time she flees, she feels guilty about fleeing.

Now, if this woman's husband is coping better than she is, then her feelings are magnified: one need not feel bad about a situation that is too hard for anyone to deal with, but if someone else is there and dealing with it, then the fault must be in herself rather than in the situation. Her feelings of guilt and despair are partly relative -- the better the husband is coping, the worse she feels, and the worse the husband is coping, the less troubled she feels. Unable to deal with herself, not knowing how to deal with her own emotions, she intuitively finds a survival strategy: make the husband feel worse, so that she would feel better. She might or might not be conscious that this: if she is conscious of it, it might just add more fuel to the cycle. Either way: attack and control the husband, tearing him down so that she can live with herself. As they say, "Misery loves company."

In this situation of the imagination, ideally the woman would seek out healthy ways to deal with her feelings -- but in the meantime, what the husband would need would be to learn how to calmly not be controlled and how to let verbal attacks "pass right through him", knowing them to be just noise with only as much power over him as he allows there to be.

[Melanie R]

We have a very close friend, Jayme, who for 21 years was totally controlled by a very aggressive woman who told him to jump and Jaye would say "how high". Jayme did get the courage to join our local Tri-Ess chapter and began attending meetings always wearing his beard. With some encouragement from several of us including my wife and and also Jayme's sister and mother, Jayme shaved the beard and came to a meeting dressed. And wow, she was drop dead gorgeous. The next morning the wife said shaving the beard and dressing again was the final straw and she was filing for divorce. Again with our encouragement, Jayme got a local GLBT female attorney to file for divorce. The wife was mortified that Jayme had the balls to take this step. 6 months later Jayme got the divorce, their house and most possessions and the total support of their 3 children and step-children. JNow ayme is one of the happiest, beautiful persons I have ever known. This wife is now one poor, lost puppy. Jayme almost immediately found a woman who not only accepted Jayme but encourages Jayme to be who she is and make up for those lost years.

Jodi, The question is do you have the courage to take the steps if neccessary that Jayme took to be who you are or will you continue to be under her control?

Hugs,

Melanie

[Abby Lauren]

Jodi
You've gotten some wonderful advice. The gist of the good advice is that you must insist on being treated with respect and will not be your wife's doormat- ever. Nothing is worth such a price.
Now, if you can summon up the courage to say this (and, more importantly, to really believe it), you have the beginnings of a marriage the way it's supposed to be. If she can't accept this new you, then the marriage will fail. However, I think that wouldn't be such a loss because the marriage you have now is not worth saving.
On the other hand, if she discovers a new respect for you, all things become possible.
Good luck to you and please keep us informed.

[Merinda]

Sorry to hear that Jodi ,

I went through that stage around 3 years ago but today I have my wifes full support.

One thing that I did at the time of discomfort was to download a lot of reading material on the subject and leave it lying around , my wife couldn't resist and had to read it when I was at work.
By educating your partner on the subject you stand a better chance of tollerance / acceptance , also introduce her to the SO's section on one of these forums because she probably feels very alone at the moment.

Good luck Jodi

[Lisa Maren]

Hi

I like the idea of leaving reading materials around (though you may wish to leave them somewhere your son won't read them, if that's the policy of the house).

I have not told my family about Lisa yet, but I have been accumulating some reading materials to give them when the time comes, including the books True Selves and My Husband Betty. I'm not sure if I'm CD or TG or TS (though masculinity seems simply unfamiliar to me so it's a probably only a question of "how transgendered am I?") but depending on what I figure out I will also buy/rent a copy of Ma Vie En Rose.

I know from having ADHD that there are things (like ADHD) that people really have a hard time understanding because they can't see those things. Most of my family (if not all of it) doesn't understand my ADHD. The one person in my family who does understand my ADHD at least somewhat is my mother (although she makes mistakes like comparing me to people who don't have it, so I'm not entirely sure). My mother is also the only one who's read a book on the subject. This is why I agree that helping to provide some education on these matters is really important.

Your wife can see your clothing, but can not (visually) see the need to wear it because the need itself is an abstract, non-physical thing.

I hope things work out for you.

Hugs,
Lisa

[trannie T]

[B]"Luke, what we have here is a failure to communicate."[B]

Reading between the lines it looks like the two of you have not been communicating at more than a superfical level for quite some time. If you wish to save your marriage you probably need to consult a good marriage and family counselor.

[Sheri 4242]

Jodi, The question is do you have the courage to take the steps if neccessary that (our friend) took to be who you are or will you continue to be under her control? Melanie

Jodi, I was one who believed marriage was truly "a forever thing." Then, one Chrismas Eve -- after 21 years of marriage -- my ex blurted out that I could have the house, I could have the kids, but she was leaving."

CDing had nothing to do with this. BUT, after years of study, I knew that "if" any threat of divorce is out there (at ANY level), you've got to protect yourself! My wonderful wife had much the same experience. One thing we both can tell you is that "the second time around" for us has been a tremendous, fantastic blessing!!! One different turn along the road and maybe we wouldn't have been brought together - but I'll tell you this much: neither of us knew how GREAT marriage could be until we got divorced and found each other!!! I'm not saying you are headed for divorce, but it IS a possibility you really need to be prepared for!!!

PM me if you ever want to discuss this further.