The first phase of exaggerated exuberance is ending

[Nicole]

Howdy girls. Four weeks ago I blew the lid off my latent CD'ing and 'got serious'. Thanks in part to many of you, I have bought wigs, clothes, shoes, makeovers, electrolysis, high-quality breast forms, training programs, and immersed myself full throttle into my femininity. The stereo has been playing Anuna non-stop. I have been practicing 'the walk' everywhere I go. My entire body is shorn of hair whether shaved or violently ripped out via epilation. My eyebrows are thin and beautiful. And every email I have sent out has been liberally peppered with smileys and exclamations and *wavey waves*!!!!!!!!!! :) :D :D :happy: :hugs: :heehee: Wowie wow wow!!!!!!

The experience has been fantastic so far, but also draining. I seem to have reached the limit of how femme I can go within the space of one month. My wife's patience has been almost completely exhausted. I am exhausted. I have lost weight, slept poorly, and spent A LOT of time crying my eyeballs out searching the dark depths of my feelings (if this is what it feels like to be hormonal, dear lord I feel for those of you on a prescribed regimen of HRT!). Anyway, it seems that the initial hyper-ecstatic SURGE phase is finally coming to a close.

This is a good thing, because it is proof that the 'high' doesn't last. It won't sustain you. Even if you close your eyes real tight, click your heels three times, and pray to be *woman* *woman* *woman* you will not find yourself whisked off your feet by a pink magic carpet flying towards a femmy fantasyland where the daily responsibilities of going to work, feeding your family, and being a mature adult magically disappear in a cloud of glitter. Won't happen, trust me. It's a fun ride, but when the park closes you have to get back on the bus and go home like everybody else, genetic women included.

Regardless, I am glad to have gone through the process because I have learned something very important about myself. As things wind down inside, I now know, without question, through and through, that I am part woman. A feeling, breathing, loving, living, walking, talking, giving, sharing, silly, sexy, and truly great woman. Now I must decide what to do with her. The question is no longer "Am I a woman?", but "HOW MUCH woman do I wish to be?"

I'm beginning to doubt the figure is 100%. That would require giving up my masculine side entirely, which I feel would be a mistake. Guess who came to my rescue when I was balled up on the floor sobbing in misery? My masculine side. He was like, "HEY! Enough already! Get up, stop being such a self-centered drama queen, and treat your wife to some ice cream and movies." Without him, I'd still be spinning in my own self-perpetuated agony. And after all, sometimes it is very convenient to be a guy. Very low maintenance. I think I'd miss not having that option.

Yet I do want to look pretty. As Karen I feel that my appearance more closely matches my true self-image. When I see her in the mirror, I see myself looking back. I very much enjoy acting (and feeling) the part, because it seems so natural... even joyful. And I am committed to taking serious physical steps to look even better, such as undergoing electrolysis on my beard.

So... I guess I'm working out a plan for a happy medium. Something that will work over the longer term. Right now I am searching for the exact place where I can be as feminine-looking as possible without it being a one-way trip. No SRS (I like my naughty guy-parts), no HRT, and no breast implants. Everything else is still on the table, including rhinoplasty, brow shaping, and chin/neck surgery to create a flattering and passable illusion of femininity. I don't mind looking like a very pretty man when in guy-mode, because at least I will still have that option available to me.

What does this make me? More than a CD, I think, but less than a full-blown post-op transsexual. Tgirl might be the right description. I guess I can live with that. Most of all I am glad to be getting back to 'normal' again, although now my normal world is a hell of a lot larger than it ever was before.

On with phase two! :happy:

[Jocelyn Quivers]

Good luck in finding your happy medium Karen. I seem to go through phases where my male side is usually more dominant and in charge for a few days but then my fem side comes back with a vengance. Jocelyn

[sandra-leigh]

Most of all I am glad to be getting back to 'normal' again, although now my normal world is a hell of a lot larger than it ever was before.

Interesting post -- thanks for writing that.

[Emily Ann Brown]

I have said it before....we are ALL unique ! None of us is exactly like the others. We have to find our own "female" comfort level. Me....I'm sorta 50/50 TG/CD. Add that to enjoying guy moments occassionally and it makes life interesting to say the least.

Good luck on phase 2 of the adventure. I won't blab and spoil the ending for you sis.


Emily Ann

[Michelia]

I really enjoyed reading it. A very similar experience to mine. Except I have not learned to pepper my posts with sweet little icons. I feel the warmth. I think it just comes much more natural in person. I think I still find computers a little awkward form of communication. Regardless, I could not have written about my experience as well as you have. I found it pretty moving. Thanks.

By the way, please forgive my ignorance, but who/what is Anuna?

Michelia

[Kitty Sue]

Great post. I too seem to be taking a brief respite from full fem mode. I do not know how long it will last but I seem to have more balance at the moment which is nice.

[Julogden]

What does this make me? More than a CD, I think, but less than a full-blown post-op transsexual. Tgirl might be the right description. I guess I can live with that. Most of all I am glad to be getting back to 'normal' again, although now my normal world is a hell of a lot larger than it ever was before.

On with phase two! :happy:
Hi Karen,

I think I know where you're coming from. I think most of us go through this wanting to figure out who we are exactly. While the details may differ, we're mostly in the same boat.

I'm 55 now, been transgendered all my life, ever since I can remember, and after a lifetime of questioning who I am, I've come to the conclusion that the reason for me being who/what I am really doesn't matter, nor do I feel the need to define myself precisely for myself or anyone else.

I try to take things one day at a time, if I feel like dressing, I dress, if I don't feel like it, I don't dress. The pressure is off, and I'm reasonably comfortable with who I am now.

I suspect that you're on the way to that place too, and I hope that you get there safely and quickly.

Carol:hugs:

[Kate Simmons]

I'm glad you listened to your rational side Karen. That "initial surge" can be kind of intense. I almost didn't survive it myself 6 years ago. I've finally settled out somewhere in the middle. Have yet to figure out what to call myself but I seem comfortable here. You have to decide what is best for you though. Good luck with that. Salandra

[kay2]

Wonderfully articulate and self-aware post. There were aspects that I could relate to. Thank you.

[Kerry Owens]

It might help your wife to join here also, this first experience with the "pink fog" can be unervingly scary....glad you're aiming for a happy medium. Keep up a healthy communication with your wife too. She needs it to understand where you are and keep from panic decisions.

[Diane Paris]

Great post. Thanks for being so open with us all.

You said that you were "working out a plan for a happy medium." Do you think your wife will agree its a happy medium? Do you plan to consult with her about those things that you have already decided to do? Just curious. Thanks,

Diane

[Rikkicn]

What does this make me? More than a CD, I think, but less than a full-blown post-op transsexual. Tgirl might be the right description. I guess I can live with that.

This is one of the best posts I've read for a long time.

Thank you for sharing your wonderful experience and learning with us.
I'm guessing we all have various deress of experiences like yours. I know I've been through several cycles myself. Emerging from each with a new a deeper understanding of myself as well as my needs and desires.
When I look back each one brought me closer to myself even thought I didn't understand that at the time.

We need to be careful with the labels we choose to define and identify ourselves. Each one comes with a set of ideas and understandings that we tend to regard as boundaries or goals. The labels become important only when you go to the medical community.

Most would call me a non op transsexual. The moderator moved a post of mine to the forum because I was talking about breast augmentation. that to me, says they consider me or that subject relevant to only that forum.
I live full time as female but have never embraced the term transsexual. Don't like where it came from or the constraints it implies. I don't have a medical condition. I have an emotional or spiritual condition or perhaps karma.

I think of myself, now, as a full time crossdresser. I do my best to pass but don't get anxious about it anymore. I have a male body and was socialized as a male but prefer to live and be perceived as a woman.
I have crossdressed all my life and been through all the struggles. Most of the struggles are behind me, but I know there are more "coming outs" to be done.
I am and will forever be a crossdresser. That is my home. That is my community.
To find your true indentity ...follow your pleasure... that's what's at the end of the rainbow.

[kerrianna]

Karen, that was a great, honest, insightful post. I really like your style, girl, and as I've said before you are going through a lot of similar stuff as me. I think maybe you condensed your initial exploration more, but I know exactly what you are going through. I love the way you are able to articulate it so well.

Your poor wife :heehee: . She must be a saint. :p Mine is too. This is so confusing for ourselves and what we put them through :rolleyes: ...I'm glad you saw through the fog and remembered what also exists. Sometimes the flower that we bloom into overshadows the rest of the plant, which is what really holds us up.

Yes, phase two. hehehe. Should be interesting. :D

I think mine consists of permanently removing the facial hair for sure. For more reasons than cosmetic too. Other than that, I just want to feel good about myself.

I've come to the realization that how I feel INSIDE is what really counts. While changing my outward appearance would change the way OTHERS treat me, I don't think I should worry about that. One thing I've decided on, finally, in my life is that I am tired of worrying about what others think of me, and trying to conform. So why would I want to go through a lot of complex procedures and effort to look like how I feel...just so others treat me the way I feel inside? As long as I'm comfortable with who I am that's all that matters.

So my phase 2, I think, includes beard removal (for reasons more than just cosmetic too), maybe ear piercing :D , and finding ways to keep my femme self at the forefront. I also think I might want my immediate family and maybe a couple of close friends to know more about me...but I'll play that by ear. I'm don't like the idea of surgery, of any kind and at my age it seems kind of silly. I keep reminding myself it's what's INSIDE that's important.

Thanks for sharing again Karen. I think you articulated what a lot of us go through. It does make the 'normal' world a lot larger. I'm finding that exhilarating and liberating. :happy: :hugs: :love:

[MFStoo]

Karen,
I agree with the others that this is one of the best posts I've read..
You have given this a lot of thought..

It reflects the conflicts we have all endured to a greater or lesser degree.
Take your time and be patient, look for the answers, and you will find them if you answer your own questions honestly..

Dressing en femme is so exhilirating in the beginning that it is intoxicating, and was for me overwhelming as well. I had a family and job that kept me in check. Sometimes the distraction was more than I could handle. I had to set my priorities because I had people depending on me and I drew my strength from them.

Just remember that the feelings of others need to be considered very much the way you would like others to consider your feelings.. The challenge is to fit it into you life as opposed to letting it takeover your life.. Balance is the key and patience with yourself and others will help maintain the balance..

I'm not sure that I can explain why I want to dress en femme, but I can tell you that the reasons are for much more than just physical gratification..

I hope you find that place between M & F that makes you happy and that your friends and family can continue to be a part of that life.

May all of your dreams come true..

Gina

[deniseann]

What a wonderful post! I think the timing of it was perfect for me. I have been in drab for much of the last 8 months. I no longer purge as it gets expensive to start over. I have accepted that I am transgendered.

I really like the way you wrote an described the separation. I realize there is quite a continuum and we all need to discover for ourselves where we fit on it.

Thanks for your post.

[Nicole]

I really enjoyed reading it. A very similar experience to mine. Except I have not learned to pepper my posts with sweet little icons. I feel the warmth. I think it just comes much more natural in person. I think I still find computers a little awkward form of communication. Regardless, I could not have written about my experience as well as you have. I found it pretty moving. Thanks.

By the way, please forgive my ignorance, but who/what is Anuna?

Michelia

Anuna is a group of Irish vocalists who perform contemporary interpretations of medieval style choir music. Unlike so many other 'fusion' artists that wreck the style of the original music with cheesy synthesizers and melodrama, Anuna keeps the original spirit intact. At a time of emotional turmoil, I find great solace in music like this (though it does tend to rip the emotional floodgates right open). If you have iTunes or some other digital music service have a listen to the track Wind on Sea. It is as emotionally moving as any of my most treasured pieces of classical music.

http://www.anuna.ie/

[Nicole]

It might help your wife to join here also, this first experience with the "pink fog" can be unervingly scary....glad you're aiming for a happy medium. Keep up a healthy communication with your wife too. She needs it to understand where you are and keep from panic decisions.

She may join at some point in the future. I certainly hope so. She's an incredible person. Takes one to know one, right? ;) We have always fought for total (but not brutal) honesty in our relationship and marriage. This stage of my life is really putting us to the test, but had we retreated from honesty into secrets and lies we wouldn't have made it this far. She's very emotionally supportive of me and while not totally appreciative of my new personality she is doing quite well considering the circumstances. In time, perhaps she will make herself known here.

[Nicole]

Great post. Thanks for being so open with us all.

You said that you were "working out a plan for a happy medium." Do you think your wife will agree its a happy medium? Do you plan to consult with her about those things that you have already decided to do? Just curious. Thanks,

Diane

She knows what I am feeling and planning to do, surgery-wise. Like I told Kerry, our strength is our courage to be honest and respectful towards one another. A happy medium is necessary. She supports me, but she is not (and probably never will be) sexually attracted to me as Karen. This is difficult because a large part of my self-image and sexual nature resides there. Hence the desire to maintain the option to switch to guy-mode when necessary. Not just for my wife's sake, but also my own. Sometimes I DO feel masculine and dominant. After all, I am physically male and have guy-hormones and desires, so I'm figuring out where the line should be drawn.

Clearly, I have to come first in making this decision. It is a matter of my core identity. This is a serious issue and not something that can be 'faked' or 'compromised' for the sake of anyone else, even my closest companion, if I am ever to achieve inner harmony on this earth. We must all be true to ourselves, or we will only suffer. It is still confusing, but at least I am not as overwhelmed as I was before. Little by little, we're getting there. It takes time, patience, and a good dose of humility. In time, we will have the answers we need.

[AllieSF]

Karen,

I applaud you on your excellent and articulate Phase I description. It is a pleasure to read your post and replies here and they carry such an important message, that this is all a lot more complicated than a lot of us can ever really appreciate. Good luck and congratulations on your handling of a very difficult situation.

[Nicole]

Most of the struggles are behind me, but I know there are more "coming outs" to be done. I am and will forever be a crossdresser. That is my home. That is my community. To find your true indentity ...follow your pleasure... that's what's at the end of the rainbow.

"Every desire of your body is holy. Did you hear what I said? Every desire of your body is holy" Hafiz "The Gift" Translations by Daniel Ladinsky

My wife likes your tagline! She is an avid reader of Daniel Ladinsky's translations of Hafiz and Andrew Harvey's translations of Rumi. She recommends the books, I heard God Laughing - Renderings of Hafiz by Danial Ladinsky and Song of the Sun by Andrew Harvey. Beautiful material.

[TxKimberly]

Karen,

Welcome to our world! I remember when I first met others and went out the first time, I drove my wife NUTS for about 6 months! That's all I talked about and all that I was interested in. Much like you describe though, I eventually came to a happy medium. These days its a little like the tide - I'll go 6 months to a year deep into cross dressing, and then I'll go a year or two with little interest or effort devoted. I had gone most of the last three years with very little crossdressing and then about 6 months ago it slammed me hard and I'm grabbing every chance I get.

Kim

[NewBetty]

Karen,

Not much left for me to say except to echo those who have already thanked you for your honest and eloquent post. I've been going through a rush of exhuberent joy dressing almost every night now that I'm alone, and finally I'm starting to find a balance. I'm exhausted, but it's made some sleepless nights much easier.Reading your post was a great help to me, you put things so beautifully.

BTW: You look great in your avatar and I love that you quoted Arthur Lee.

[lowlavalentine]

I can relate both to the intensity of the experience you've been through recently as well as the cyclical nature of girlish activity. I've been through several such cycles in my tg life, at times pushing the ts/cd boundary. Your characterization of that rollercoaster ride as exhausting, especially in the aftermath of an increased period of activity accurately reflects my experience. There is nothing quite like the high of being in the midst of the "pink fog". It borders on obsession and can be both incredibly desirable and frightening in that respect. The return to balance that you describe presently is a welcome place to be and it sounds like you are using the opportunity for reflection and repriorization wisely. Perhaps you'll be able to resist the lure to dive in head first again in the future - although I certainly couldn't.