Of acceptance and guilt (quite a long post)

[Christine Andrews]

Good morining sisters :happy:

I have hit a stumbling block with dressing as of late and feel trapped by it in manner of speaking. The problem is I am finding it difficult to truly accept myself as a crossdresser, even thoughit is something which I know completes me as person and does make me happy. The problem comes when I feel that I acvcept myself, I feel guilty for doing so. The only reason I can think of is that I'm hiding it from my mum. [I must point out that I don't really get along with many relatives except for my mum - though I don't see them often. I certainly don't get along with my father - I just dislike him. The thought of being like him...it will never happen]

I did once break under stress and guilt and tell my mum that I crossdressed and told her most of the background behind (leaving some details out for our discretion and were unnecessary), I purged and promised to never do it again. To my surprise although visibly shocked (which is part of what made me feel even more guilty) she said whether or not I stop is up to me and left at that. So I tried and failed to stop and I shopped again and accidently dropped a pair of tights in the bathroom. I didn't realise I had until my mum confronted me and said that she thought I had stopped and that if I had to carry on doint it to be more careful and that I didn't need to tell her, just be careful. Once again I vowed to stop and at the time I genuinely meant it and purged again.

Needless to say I started again and recently I bought some leggings which I had to leave in compartment in my bag whilst at work. I thought they would be safe in the front compartment and not the main one. It seems however that myt mum found some of my University notes and went to put them in the front pocket - or so I believe. Hints were given by her that she knew and that is where my problem grew.

I posted this latter part here and the advice given was to tell her. Everytime I treid to tell her the words froze in throat and my hands start to shake and fear wins and I back out. Just thinking of talking to her scares me because I view my mum as my best friend, someone I've always been able to talk to and I hate even trying to lie to her.

Thinking about this it comes down to the fact that I have not truly 100% accepted myself. I don't know what I'll be, a closeted crossdresser for as long as possible staying indoors or a brave crossdresser with confidence to go out and not care whether or not I pass. I know that I will always be a crossdresser and that will never change, I have tried many times to stop and this makes me more miserable than the guilt of doing it.

So I have to ask, does the guilt ever subside? How do you accept yourself truly for who you are? I feel I may already know the answer and I may just be avoiding it but I would really appreciate any input any of you could offer.

[As a side note, the sad thing is that I believe my mum would have been accepting of my crossdressing if I had told her the truth. I suspect that she would have been ok with me dressing in private when home alone as long as I acted responsibly.]

[AllieSF]

When you say that you think you know the answer, I interpret that to mean that you should tell your mom. One way to do that is just print your post here and leave it for her to read. Then talk with her later. A simple question like "Did you read it?" and "What do you think" will definitely get the ball rolling. I do believe that your mom already knows that you are still dressing and that it is hard for you to stop. You already know the answer. Good luck.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Kirsty

I think you have told her the truth mostly

You did try to stop as you have said but it keeps returning. It is very rare for anyone crossdressing not to go through feeling like you have done.
The guilt will only go away when you accept yourself. Your mum sounds very sensible but wants you to keep your dressing out of sight. You could try explaining to her you tried to stop, but its something that will always be part of you.

You could try writing things down so you can refer to it when telling her

[Nicole]

Thinking about this it comes down to the fact that I have not truly 100% accepted myself. I know that I will always be a crossdresser and that will never change, I have tried many times to stop and this makes me more miserable than the guilt of doing it.

So I have to ask, does the guilt ever subside? How do you accept yourself truly for who you are? I feel I may already know the answer and I may just be avoiding it but I would really appreciate any input any of you could offer.

Hi Kirsty. Thanks for sharing your story. You are right that the real battle is the internal one. Since you already know this, self-acceptance cannot be that far away.

You don't need to 'legitimize' your feelings for anyone, parents included. Relationships with our parents are loaded with opportunities for guilt. They raised us, taught us, and expect us to be a certain way. The pressure can be intense! Do your best to let go and embrace yourself as-is. Tell yourself in the morning, "I am not alone, I feel happy when I CD, and there is nothing wrong with that."

Keep your chin up, sweetie. Eventually you will conquer the guilt and be proud of who you are. :hugs:

[noname]

So I have to ask, does the guilt ever subside? How do you accept yourself truly for who you are? I feel I may already know the answer and I may just be avoiding it but I would really appreciate any input any of you could offer.

Yes the guilt will subside. I've felt mildly guilty after I wore a jean skirt momentarly. I just reminds myself I've done nothing wrong and no GG would ever feel guilt. Would a GG feel guilty for wearing a jean skirt? Absolutely not. Would a GG feel guilty for wearing pants? Absolutely not. So am I any less of a person. No I am not, and I am entitled to the same rights they are.

[Christine Andrews]

Thankyou all for your replies :happy:

aluchi_aluchona and Shelly_P, I did actually start writing a letter to tell my mum how I felt but I never finished it just after I believe she accidentally found the leggings in my backpack. I had alot of coursework to do and I kind of emmersed myself in that and by the time I felt like I could almost leave her the letter, the window of opportunity had passed and I just became more and more hesitant to tell her.

Karen Meadows, thankyou for your reply. I know deep down that I don't have to justify myself to anyone but I have done so to my mum in making decisions and seeking her advice that it has become routine. I have often been told that I brood and over-analyse things for too long and that I am too gentle and honest (the gentle part came from a job interview feedback session) and well I think I will start working on myself before I even consider sharing with anyone - should I feel I want to.

Also:
Do your best to let go and embrace yourself as-is. Tell yourself in the morning, "I am not alone, I feel happy when I CD, and there is nothing wrong with that."

Keep your chin up, sweetie. Eventually you will conquer the guilt and be proud of who you are.

This is some of the best advice I have been given and to me it is very motivational, again Thankyou :happy:

noname: I agree with you on the principle of equal rights in regards to clothing and it is something worth thinking about. I also agree that in CD'ing there is nothing wrong being done.

It appears that it is a question of me being able to let go and accept me for who I am 100% and that that starts with me.

Thankyou Again!

Kirsty Hall

[Emily Ann Brown]

You have been given great advice already sis. All I can add is that you already know the biggie....you won't stop for more than short breaks.....so relax and find a place you can safely store your stuff out of mum's sight and work on accepting yourself. Eventually, if the guilt trip moments with mum subside (Moms are so good at that aren't they?) you will accept and love yourself. It just takes time.

Emily Ann