Pain

[Tristan]

At times there is the intense darkness that seems to consume me in this overwhelming pain. It comes on out of nowhere at times and other times is triggered often by small events in life. In this place though it feels like there is no way out. I feel like my soul is forever trapped in this prison and any hope I've tried to give myself is false.

It is in this place I feel myself walking this dangerous line. I can see so clearly why it is people self mutilate or drink or drugs or worst. It seems like anything that might kill the pain no matter how temporary or how extreme would be worth it for a moment's peace. But there never really is a peace to be found, in the end I'm still trapped.

I see the barriers in my path ahead of me and I'm trying to take it one at time, but the whole process gets overwhelming. My place in life is not what it should be. I am a man and every indication through my own reflection or through words seem to stab knives deep into that man. I'm not sure if that makes sense. I guess I just resent that I have to fight so hard to keep that man inside alive while trying to find a way to make him exist on the outside as well.

I guess I'm just feeling a bit lost tonight and maybe rambling a bit too much....

[AllieSF]

Ramble all you want. That is your right and, you are in the right place to do that. I don't have the gender issue, yet, to deal with. However, being a normal person I have all my old baggage and hang-ups that do need attention and I keep putting that off. Just hang in there, keep on venting. It's like a tea kettle. The steam builds up and it needs to go somewhere. I found that by talking to anyone and everyone, I can let off the pressure and talk my way through it all. Sometimes my sympathetic vicitims of my "talks" don't know I am using them for that purpose. It works for me. Take care and a big, big :hugs: :hugs: to you. Tomorrow is a new day, maybe the sun will come out some and shine on you.

[pocoyo]

Awww Tristan yes it does make sense. This gender stuff can be so hard to deal with. So frustrating when seemingly the rest of the world refuses to see you as yourself, or refuses to acknowledge that part of you exists even when you're screaming at them that it's real, and (it feels like) calls you a liar "You're not a boy... but you're a GIRL" "Give the money to the lady" etc etc.
Only last night I was sobbing stuff like "why can't I just be normal? Who would WANT this to deal with?" and was down about it myself.
But you know what? When you get everything sorted and aligned, things will actually be opposite... you will feel BETTER than a normal person because you will really appreciate yourself and your gender and feeling comfortable. And you will be so happy that you're not "imprisoned" and fighting any more. And boring run of the mill normal cisgendered people don't get that benefit so much... that joy & appreciation of "rightness" :happy: Also a lot of people go through life with their eyes shut.. like on auto pilot, wheras tg people have really looked at themselves and what makes them tick, leading to a much more fulfilling life and existence!

And even though gender is something that affects us every day. (Whenever you venture out in the world you're slapped in the face with it) and it can make us just want to stay at home and hide from others so we aren't subjected to people seeing us wrongly....

... having the slightly wrong flappy parts and hormones can't stop us being loving, kind or happy people. This misalignment cannot stop us from enjoying simple things like the smell of the night air, or the gentle caress of the wind blowing in our hair. Sunshine on our eyelids or laughing at a little kid's giggle.
I know it sounds like I'm being all mushy but last night when I was feeling so down, I took the dog out and the night air hit me and I was like "omg.. the world is beautiful."

So what I'm trying to say is... this gender thingy can't stop us truly being us and enjoying life. It is bloody hard work sometimes yes.... but it will make us stronger and happier people ultimately. And how other people feel about us (the ones that see us wrongly) I mean... it hurts, sometimes very much... but does it really matter? (I guess this is what my mum meant last night when she kept saying "But it doesn't matter... it doesn't matter what others think of you, because you know yourself." Even though I was like "SOB SOB... but it DOES matter sob sob...." Actually...it doesn't really matter what other people think of you. (Especially as you are transitioning yay! So this is just a temporary hurt for you dude... and that - as Gandalf would say - is an encouraging thought!)

We are all here for you dude. *big hug*

I know you will get there in the end.

You are going to transition... you have it all planned. My friend, it's just a matter of patience now.

*Goes silly and starts singing 80's style* "Hold on.. hooollld onn... hooold on.. won't be looonggggg.. ooooooohhhyeaaah... the only way is uppp... babbyy..... for you and Deexxx noooowww!....(and nerdybooooyy)..."*

[bi_weird]

Oi *HUUUUUUG* that sounds like major suckiness. Sorry, dude. Like Poc says, though, thing will get better. You're going to get through all of this and come out a stronger and happier person for all of it. Treat yourself to some junk food or a fun movie, take a deep breath, and remember that you won't always feel this way.

[Adam]

poc you are truly THE best thanks for what you just wrote it cheered me up no end :D


sorry to hear your down Tristan i hope your feeling better soon :hugs:

[CaptLex]

I see the barriers in my path ahead of me and I'm trying to take it one at time, but the whole process gets overwhelming. My place in life is not what it should be. I am a man and every indication through my own reflection or through words seem to stab knives deep into that man. I'm not sure if that makes sense. I guess I just resent that I have to fight so hard to keep that man inside alive while trying to find a way to make him exist on the outside as well.
Oh yeah, it makes total sense to me. Poc is right - it's good to remember that it won't always be this way, it just takes patience (anyone know where I can get some?). Don't feel bad about feeling bad, though. It would be strange if we didn't feel this way sometimes. Do something to lift your mood - whatever makes you feel better (but no self-mutilation or other self-destructive thing). And you know coming here and talking to us about it really helps too. We're always here, and we understand. :bighug:

[Dasein9]

Hey, Tristan! I get that too, sometimes. Used to get it more, and it could be overwhelming.

Just know that you're not alone, eh?

[pocoyo]

Hehe Adam :o awww I er uh um hehe. Glad it helped cheer someone up hehe. Pocwaffle.


Don't feel bad about feeling bad, though. It would be strange if we didn't feel this way sometimes. Do something to lift your mood - whatever makes you feel better (but no self-mutilation or other self-destructive thing). :bighug:

Abso-bloomin'-lutely! Don't ever feel bad for feeling down, it's totally normal when going through some difficult stuff. There's nothing to worry about there! You're totally allowed to feel down sometimes.

Yus, like Cap said... it's a really good idea to do something that cheers you up or helps you chill out! Take some time out for yourself.

And yes we are so here for you dude.

Sorry for posting again but what Cap said was so cool I wanted to agree hehe!

Also... please let us know you're ok dude!

:hugs:

[Kristen Kelly]

Awww Tristan yes it does make sense. This gender stuff can be so hard to deal with. So frustrating when seemingly the rest of the world refuses to see you as yourself, or refuses to acknowledge that part of you exists even when you're screaming at them that it's real, and (it feels like) calls you a liar "You're not a boy... but you're a GIRL" "Give the money to the lady" etc etc.
Only last night I was sobbing stuff like "why can't I just be normal? Who would WANT this to deal with?" and was down about it myself.
But you know what? When you get everything sorted and aligned, things will actually be opposite... you will feel BETTER than a normal person because you will really appreciate yourself and your gender and feeling comfortable. And you will be so happy that you're not "imprisoned" and fighting any more. And boring run of the mill normal cisgendered people don't get that benefit so much... that joy & appreciation of "rightness" :happy: Also a lot of people go through life with their eyes shut.. like on auto pilot, wheras tg people have really looked at themselves and what makes them tick, leading to a much more fulfilling life and existence!

And even though gender is something that affects us every day. (Whenever you venture out in the world you're slapped in the face with it) and it can make us just want to stay at home and hide from others so we aren't subjected to people seeing us wrongly.

So what I'm trying to say is... this gender thingy can't stop us truly being us and enjoying life. It is bloody hard work sometimes yes.... but it will make us stronger and happier people ultimately.

I know you will get there in the end.

You are going to transition... you have it all planned. My friend, it's just a matter of patience now.

You said it correctly we all deal with gender, the key is not how others see us, it is how we see ourselves. I do not want to be normal and loose the best part of me.
I was sitting in the bar waiting for a friend to arrive to have dinner when I noticed I could look in the mirror across the room and see the door, I saw this woman there in the mirror turned to look to see her and supprised myself IT WAS ME it felt so good that has been the second time this has happened to be and the feeling doesn't get old.

[MJ]

quote poc :- yes it does make sense. This gender stuff can be so hard to deal with. So frustrating when seemingly the rest of the world refuses to see you as yourself, or refuses to acknowledge that part of you exists

i understand as i too sometimes still feel that way but you have to be you
please don't go down the road of despair try to look at the bright side be positive thats not easy i know but try...

[Question Mark]

Man, Poc said it best. You don't need to fight to keep the man inside alive, since... well, you are the man. Despite what people say or do out of ignorance or willful ignorance or forgetfulness or spite, you're still that guy, and you're still you. And while there are always people who judge everything on appearance, there are also people who see that brain of yours and acknowledge who you are, that you speak the truth in what you say you are, and don't treat you unfairly. So above all, you are you, and you are a human being. Never feel constrained by other people's perceptions.

[Kimberley]

I think anyone, myself included who identifies as TS has been there and we can all very much relate to your feelings. We all deal with it differently and for you like the rest of us, the path has yet to be chosen.

Without going into a lot of detail that has been posted before, my path (after as suicide attempt) took me into counselling with a psychiatrist. She has been a lifesaver. I am a huge proponent of counselling because it helps you discover you and come to terms with your own inner conflicts. The differencte between a psychiatrist and psychologist is one of medications. The psychiatrist can prescribe meds that will help you cope (but this is another thread or ten) Both use talk therapy for counselling.

Look into it Tristan. It is worth it.

Does it ever end? I dont know but I do know that I am better able to deal with the extreme lows that once would have put me on the edge.

You will also find a lot of help and support here from others like myself who have gone through it. Dont be afraid to lean on us.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Tristan]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I am feeling a bit better today it was just something I had to get off my chest I think. I hear what you are saying Pocs and Capt. I know in the end it will be ok too. It's just too easy to fall into that trap of hopelessness sometimes. I have support group tonight and counseling tomorrow night so if anything's left lingering maybe can work through it. It means a lot to have you guys here to talk to about this stuff.

[false_dichotomy]

At times there is the intense darkness that seems to consume me in this overwhelming pain. It comes on out of nowhere at times and other times is triggered often by small events in life. In this place though it feels like there is no way out. I feel like my soul is forever trapped in this prison and any hope I've tried to give myself is false.

It is in this place I feel myself walking this dangerous line. I can see so clearly why it is people self mutilate or drink or drugs or worst. It seems like anything that might kill the pain no matter how temporary or how extreme would be worth it for a moment's peace. But there never really is a peace to be found, in the end I'm still trapped.

I see the barriers in my path ahead of me and I'm trying to take it one at time, but the whole process gets overwhelming. My place in life is not what it should be. I am a man and every indication through my own reflection or through words seem to stab knives deep into that man. I'm not sure if that makes sense. I guess I just resent that I have to fight so hard to keep that man inside alive while trying to find a way to make him exist on the outside as well.


I totally feel you. It is usually little things that trigger it, isn't it? Which makes one feel ridiculous getting upset over something so little, which only makes it worse...

I'm sure you know that self-injury and drugs are a bad idea... All they do in the end is "help" you to avoid the problems and feelings for a little bit longer. This actually makes them worse, since when you don't deal with something it tends to snowball, until the darkness that felt overwhelming from the beginning is now so much deeper and more impossible to handle. I am only four months free myself, and already I have made so much progress in dealing with things than I would ever have been capable of while injuring or using. The fact that you've gotten this far without turning to things like that for "support" just goes to show what an uber-awesome and strong guy you really are. :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

I'm glad you're feeling somewhat better today though. Take care.

[Stephanie H]

I have the same exact feelings all the time.

It's strange I normally am not in this forum, I am on the other side of the fence and want to jump over there and you want to jump over to my side...lol

Well I want you to know that the feeling you have are common and your not alone at all. I want to be a woman and everything that comes with that.

I have a lot of hurdles ahead of me. I have however started to look at those hurdles a different way.

Instead of I can't do it, it's now I can and will.

It's just doing one at a time is all it takes.

I watched The Secret. If only one thing I can say I learned from that, was a part where the lecture was giving an anology of a way of thinking and it went something like this; Have you ever driven down a dark road where you had no light but the light from your headlights and you knew what road your on but can't see any thing for 200 feet or so and you made it without a trouble just trusting your inner instinct.
You could drive an entire road in darkness without seeing a thing from one side of the country to another and because your confident your on the right road you will make it.

[Felix]

Hi Tristan sweetie :hugs: I understand what ya mean and yeah it's always stupid little things that set me off too, like ya self feeling like there is just a brick wall in front of me that's ten foot high and six foot wide!! I find coming here usually helps. The peeps here seem to know what to say to lift the fog :D I hope ya support group went ok and I hope ya counselling goes well too. I'm sure it will help Hun! Anyways let us know how ya go xx Felix :hugs:

[kerrianna]

Hey Tristan, belated :hugs: . I haven't been able to get here much this week (this stupid thing called work which my dog insisted I agree to so I could buy her food...I think I got duped!)

Anyway, hon, know what you mean about the stabbing knives and the fight to keep your identity alive. And it is the little things that catch you unawares. Sometimes it's like getting mugged. :sad:

But, boy, did the sage Pocs come up with some more inspiring words! :hugs: I'm amazed at how far our confused young man has come in such a short time. It's an inspiration to all of us and a testament to how much friends can help each other here. Just knowing you're not alone and there are people who go through what you do in their own lives.

Poc's right. In the end I think we are better people and the world is a better place for us being here. In many cultures in the past being TG/TS was seen as a gift. We were looked upon as shamans, mystics, links to the mysteries of life. And judging by many of the people here I'd say that we indeed are worthy of that reverence. The rest of the world is more out of balance than us. We just need to have confidence in our true natures and follow our hearts and know we have gifts that hopefully will one day be treasured again. :hugs: :love:

And good for you for venting here. I think that may be one of the most valuable things we do for each other. Vent and support. Because this journey is not easy, and some days can feel downright nasty.