To pass or not to pass, that is the question

[Maggie Kay]

I have had a strange realization. it is strange because I have known it before but because of my progress in TG and my understanding of myself, I forgot about it. So what is this epiphany? I dress to be comfortable and that means I am in women's clothes daily. I have long hair kept in a pony tail and sport noticeable Zirconia post earrings. Yet, I am not actually trying to pass as a woman. Why I do this I am not sure but today I came to the concept that I must be coming across to strangers as a gay man. I am not gay and of course it is just a misapplied stereotype that crossdressing is a sign of a gay male. Now, I am not pleased that I appear this way, no one has given me any trouble about it. My point is that I don't want to signal what I am not. At this point, I think I'll have to go passing as female to get into more comfortable waters. Curiously, my family ( all female) doesn't want me to present as a woman. This current state is OK by them. This I do not understand.

[lindase4da]

There is a wonderful book called "Nobody Passes - Rejecting the Rules of Gender and Conformity" edited by Mattilda (aka Matt Bernstein Sycamore) that "challenges the very notion of belonging. By examining the perilous intersections of identity, categorization, and community, these forceful essays explore and critique the power of "passing."" It's worth the read to gain perspective that each of us has the desire to pass as we see ourselves on the inside and portray ourselves on the outside.

It may be that your family is resistant to your desire to continue to explore your options. Change is always challenging even when done in understanding, love and support. Fear of the unknown and all that.

My best to you, Linda

[Kimberley]

Hi Kay,
First let me say that these appear to be your perceptions of yourself, not the perceptions of others; at least overtly.

Second, your family is supporting you to at least androgeny which is no big deal. The term metrosexual comes to mind.

I dont know of your creative pursuits, but if they exist and are open, blame any questions you dont want to answer on being an artist... (just a little humour but I know it works for me.)

Is it possible you are being more sensitive to the opinions of others than you are of your own needs? Just a thought.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Maggie Kay]

Good points here. I know that even if I try, I'll never really pass and I am known by a lot of folks locally so what is the point in trying, they will know anyway. I suppose it is the stranger's reaction that I am concerned with and I do have to ask myself why I care.

Actually, I am an designer and as such a creative sort. It has been a journey from being a chemist decades ago to be what I am today but much more satisfying. I do identify with artists and have similar patterns of inspiration and work habits. I do use this "excuse" sometimes.

You are also correct in that I do have an overly active sense of others and an intense need to please everyone. In fact, I am cursed with acute oversensitivity to the five senses as well as emotions. I feel real physical pain when I see others in pain.

BTW, That book looks pretty interesting. I read excerpts of it on Amazon.

[AmberTG]

Here's a question for you to ponder, why do you care if someone thinks that you're gay? It's not a crime and, in most places, it's more accepted than being transgender is. Just something to think about. If you're a designer by trade now, then they probably think you're gay anyway, don't you know, all designers are gay! At least, that's what a lot of people seem to think anyway, every designer they see on TV is gay, it seems.
Believe me, it could be worse!

[Maggie Kay]

I agree that being considered gay is less offensive to the masses than being TG Personally, my concern was that I am presenting an image that is not true to myself.

One thing is true, I have not been "chatted" up by any obviously gay guys. I have been "flirted" with by seemingly hetero males which is really weird since I'm not trying to fool them and certainly don't want to cause them to freak. The other thread entitled, "Fear" is on my mind. I suspect that going for passing will only increase the chances of these latter kind of flirtations. Ahh, just to be left alone...

Interesting idea about the conceptions of designers. Any male that shows an artistic side does seem to be lumped in to being gay by the unwashed masses....



Thanks for the ideas, all!

[AmberTG]

You know, it occures to me that those "seemingly hetero guys" may be the strong male type of gay, I know a couple of them, you'd never know they're gay unless you know their preferences. Some of them are attracted to guys who exibit feminine traits, not so much efeminate as feminine. There is a difference.
Anyway, that's a possibility.
I do understand when you say that you're not presenting an outward image that's true to your inner self, that's probably one of the bigger struggles that TG/TS people have, it always seems to be a compromise, doesn't it?

[Kimberley]

Interesting idea about the conceptions of designers. Any male that shows an artistic side does seem to be lumped in to being gay by the unwashed masses....

****************
I have never had that experience and I have worked in some very macho environments. Neither have I had those kinds of concerns expressed (that I know of) and some of my wardrobe is really out there just as my photography and music are. I'm not sure how I would react to this if confronted. Probably just look them in the eye, hold my hands up and walk away? Hard to say.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Shelly R]

Hey Kay! :hugs:
I think you are being overly sensative about what other people think. I would take it as more of a compliment. What is inside you, and how you feel, is becomming more appearant to others. You are expressing yourself. Congratulations are in order! I wouldn't worry too much about others think of you. They are not your worry. You are not gay, and you know it. Why should you care what they think?
Presenting as metrosexual, or slightly efeminate would be acceptable, rather than another woman. The fact you are changing to them, they might not know how to take you, and what you are doing with your life, you are still in discovery. :2c:
You have come a long way since I have known you, I am proud of you! :hugs: