...Cold feet..big step.. [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

Wren

04-29-2007, 05:33 AM

...After my last 'cry me a river' thread I got to thinking about things.. My confusion, taking things one step at a time, that kind of thing. And now that my exams are over and school is done forever (the summer), the only thing stressing my out are my two jobs..but that's a different story.

I've decided to go full time male for a while, and at the same time going full time emo. As it stands I switch between genre's and genders constantly, and I thought..why don't I do one thing just for a bit. Try it on for size, see how I react to it.

So for a couple months I'm going to just be the emo male me. See how that feels.. but ...as decided as I was before, now i'm getting cold feet.

I'm generally eccentric enough that no one's really going to care, or that's my hope. But what if they do? What if I can't switch back after and I feel alienated... about portraying myself as a male full time.. and as an added bonus, I think emo is the most hated style in the world.

I was talking to one of my roommates about this and she is fairly out of the loop about my own crossdressing, she just thinks I'm weird, and she told me to go for it. That I'm still young enough to kind of play with my appearance, and that it won't affect my work at all...

My boyfriend hasn't really given me a straight answer on the subject, he said that i probably did have to do something like this. But he hasn't said whether he likes the idea or not.

But I do feel like I really need to do this .. to kind of go through that journey .. but I just.. don't know how it'll turn out.

pocoyo

04-29-2007, 06:44 AM

Well good for you dude.... give it a go.. see how it feels ;):thumbsup:

I am also going to be doing something similar soon, but I just have to get a couple bits out the way then I'm free to do it. Like a mini RLT.
When I mentioned it to cap he was like "you will tell us how it goes won't you?" and I was like "of course!!" but I'm going to say the same to you hehe... please don't forget to tell us how it goes!

I guess I'm lucky because I never really worry (any more) about "what I am" genre wise. I'm just a sort of, generic rock person, it's in my blood. But I can see how that would sort of add to your confusion about who you are too, I used to be worried about catagories also.

I dunno what happened, somewhere along the line I just realised that it's cool to have a wide musical taste and style.. sort of be open minded to anything (apart from Avante Garde Jazz BLEH), because it all plays off each other anyway. Hehe and I suppose it's sort of similar with gender too.

Anyway what I'm half asleepedly waffling on about is:

Good luck! It sounds like it will be good for you to work some things out perhaps!

(And might even be an exciting adventure :D)

CaptLex

04-29-2007, 10:08 AM

You might never know if you don't try it, Wren, and then maybe you'll wonder about it for a long while. Life is a series of experiments - especially when you're young. I say give it a shot and if it starts to feel like something you don't want to do anymore, then you'll have your answer and you don't have to stick with it if it doesn't feel right. At the end of it, whether you actually end it or realize that it's what you want to do more often than not, you'll have a better idea of whether it suits you. But maybe you don't need to put an expiration date on your experiment (like 3 months). Maybe you can do it until you feel like you've learned more about yourself. And, as Poc said, please let us know how it goes.

BTW, Poc, do I really sound that formal? Sounds like a different captain to me . . . Picard. Make it so! :heehee:

pocoyo

04-29-2007, 10:12 AM

BTW, Poc, do I really sound that formal? Sounds like a different captain to me . . . Picard. Make it so! :heehee:

Hahaha oops, yes I was getting you mixed up with Jean Luc again... :worried: ... I really must stop doing that!

(Those might not have been your actual words... but they were something along those lines haha! Hey I was half asleep when I wrote the ^ post!) :heehee:

bi_weird

04-29-2007, 05:49 PM

Yeah people don't tend to notice much. And if you're changing what gender you present as often, you may be less likely to turn heads if you get more 'normal' and just present as one consistently. I can see this being an important step for you though, give you a chance to figure things out. I really wouldn't worry about people being too negative about it - you're young enough that most people will just sort of smile and nod and anything you wear.

Question Mark

04-29-2007, 08:23 PM

Hmm.

I don't think it's going to be too much of a problem if you just stay as male for a while. Plus, since it's the summer, and it sounds like you're in college, the likelihood of you running into anyone you know from there is pretty slim, so it's kind of like starting afresh. As for the not switching back part... that doesn't sound like necessarily a bad thing, if it means that you've found yourself, so to speak.

happyfish

04-29-2007, 09:43 PM

I'd say go for it. Even if you don't last three months or whatever the set date is, and decide that you completely hate it or something, then at least you'll have learned that it's not something you can do or feel comfortable with.
I don't hate emo style. I like it a heck of a lot more than hip hop style or whatever's popular now. *lives under a rock*
Yes, and do tell us how it goes. :)

Wren

04-29-2007, 11:09 PM

Oh I will share how it goes, and thanks for the vote of confidence. I don't really think it'll be so bad. I'm actually really glad that I've settled on doing this. It'll be like ...more stretching of limbs. Much needed release.

However I met my first negative backlash today, one of my male co-workers said "why do you want to look like a man...wow, you really are a lesbian"..i kind of sat there and looked at him blankly, I wanted to cry. Not only was it a stereotype of lesbian culture, but the word lesbian has never left my mouth in reference to myself. Maybe worst of all is that I've slept with him.

But maybe you don't need to put an expiration date on your experiment (like 3 months)

Oh It's an open ended expiration date, that's kind of just a margin of time so that I can look at it like a small chunk, makes it easier to swallow, we'll see how it goes. I do have the intention to revert back, but ..wherever the wind goes right..

I dunno what happened, somewhere along the line I just realised that it's cool to have a wide musical taste and style.. sort of be open minded to anything

hehe, I do have a variety of tastes, what I wear is usually not representative of what i listen to . I like emo but i'm not really that into the music. I like the style.

I don't hate emo style. I like it a heck of a lot more than hip hop style or whatever's popular now

excellent! You wouldn't believe the amount of emo bashing that I get. People just randomly coming up to me in the street or subway asking me if I listen to "Lamb of god" or whatever, and if I cut myself at night. Especially after certain political events we get seen as crazy killers. *sigh* everything is a trial

Plus, since it's the summer, and it sounds like you're in college, the likelihood of you running into anyone you know from there is pretty slim

True say, not that i know anyone at my university anyway really. ha.. so loner.. My worry is from my co-workers and friends who may..misunderstand me. I also worry about looking stupid. But not having to deal on campus stuff is a plus. ..then again.. My roomates already have been through the FTM understanding stuff with Sparro, so.. what am I worrying about? I don't know..

Question Mark

04-29-2007, 11:31 PM

XD Lamb of God's not even an emo band, either. It's a heavy metal band most famous for the "Wall of Death", where two "walls" of audience members run at each other and beat each other up.

As for the "durrr... lesbians" guy, he's too willfully ignorant to be worth worrying about.

Wren

04-29-2007, 11:40 PM

XD Lamb of God's not even an emo band, either.

Haha..i know. I thought it was mildly funny but still not a pleasant experience..randomly on the subway at 1 in the morning..*sigh*

As for the "durrr... lesbians" guy, he's too willfully ignorant to be worth worrying about.

true say. It was just hard to have that be said within one day of this decision.. people blow.

kerrianna

04-30-2007, 02:59 AM

Yay Wren, you rock! Go for it dude. Why not give things a try. The problem with some people is they're too chknsh*t themselves to do anything different or daring and they want to ruin other people's lives so they can feel better about themselves. Just remember all that crap is about THEM, not you.

I've decided to develop selective hearing. You say something judgemental or critical about me I don't hear it. You say something nice I not only hear it, but I embrace it. As Salandra says, works for me.

hey I like that expression: true say.
I learn something new from you young 'uns everyday. :happy: :hugs: :love:

oh yeah, so does this mean you'll be a cabin boy or deckhand on The Genderquest? Can never have too many cute boys on board. :p

CaptLex

04-30-2007, 09:22 AM

However I met my first negative backlash today, one of my male co-workers said "why do you want to look like a man...wow, you really are a lesbian".
Sounds to me like he was trying to soothe a bruised ego. Maybe he sees your interest in being male as a rejection of him, somehow. Some people think everything is about them. :p

Wren

04-30-2007, 12:05 PM

oh yeah, so does this mean you'll be a cabin boy or deckhand on The Genderquest? Can never have too many cute boys on board

Gender who now?

Sounds to me like he was trying to soothe a bruised ego. Maybe he sees your interest in being male as a rejection of him, somehow. Some people think everything is about them.

Ha..I hadn't thought of that possibility. It may very well be so.

Kieron Andrew

04-30-2007, 12:14 PM

lol im sorry but i keep reading the title and cos i get confused sometimes on reading things the wrong way it keeps saying to me 'big feet, cold step' sowwyyyyyyyyyy :hiding:

Question Mark

04-30-2007, 12:16 PM

The Genderquest is the most excellent ship of the Capn. It is decked out in full sails, laser beams (strictly for lightshows), and a hearty crew.

Kieron Andrew

04-30-2007, 12:17 PM

Gender who now?

genderquest our ship!
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=55839&highlight=genderquest

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=55904&highlight=genderquest

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=55987&highlight=genderquest

CaptLex

04-30-2007, 12:29 PM

Wren's been gone a while, so he missed the whole ship-naming adventure. Wren, our ship is the GenderQuest. We had a poll in the Lounge to find a suitable name and most people voted for that name (Tamara came in second and Rum Runner came in third). Wendy Me suggested the name, so now she's GenderQuest's godmother.

As you know, I'm the captain.
Felix is the first mate.
Kieron is security.
Pocoyo, Evert and Tristan are cabin boys.
Adam is the ship's engineer.
Das is the ship's librarian (still can't explain that one).
Abraxas is the ship's doctor.

Who did I leave out?

Kieron Andrew

04-30-2007, 12:31 PM

CaptLex

04-30-2007, 02:03 PM

as for who did we leave out! Bi? i think he should be our chef with those yummy brownies
Oh, right! :doh: Bi is the cook. And we have several serving wenches from the other side of the fence. Oh, and Kerrianna is kind of a Jackie-of-all-Trades. She keeps an eye on the guys in the brig and provides, um . . . companionship to lonely cabin boys too. :heehee: Plenty of positions still available . . . welcome aboard! :D

Okay, now we've really taken this thread off course . . . sorry, Wren. :hiding: We're still very intrigued by your experiment and what results may come. :thumbsup:

Felix

04-30-2007, 02:48 PM

Hi Wren, at the end of the day you are the only one who knows where you are coming from. So if you feel this will help you to discover Wren then go for it. What's that old saying,'Life is a stage and we are all players on it.' Maybe it's time for you to play a little Hun, let's know how ya getting on with it!! xx Felix :hugs:

bi_weird

04-30-2007, 03:26 PM

Oh yay I get to be the cook! I didn't know we have laser beams! (Though I am marginally aware enough to know that we have a ship...)
I should have something more to say...but I don't. *cheeky grin*

Wren

05-01-2007, 02:05 AM

Haha, yeah way to take my thread and throw it into the pacific ocean (no worries btw, so long as i get my thread back at some point).

Did i hear ocean? Ship you say.. ? Can I be the ship's pony?

sparro

05-01-2007, 03:12 AM

Haha, yeah way to take my thread and throw it into the pacific ocean (no worries btw, so long as i get my thread back at some point).

Did i hear ocean? Ship you say.. ? Can I be the ship's pony?

I was supposed to be the pony on the ship....

I think the fact that you're changing genders along with your style, drastically, is pretty significant. You're trying on a new persona, a side of yourself which until now you've not been able to express properly to people. It'll be a chance to free yourself from the confines of your present self... perhaps live a more fufilling life.

Also, you're boyfriend would probably think it was damned sexy.

Wren

05-01-2007, 03:17 AM

Also, you're boyfriend would probably think it was damned sexy.

He is a bit gay...

But I was really happy to hear that he was understanding about the situation. Makes it easier to go through with it.

sparro

05-01-2007, 03:22 AM

He is a bit gay...

But I was really happy to hear that he was understanding about the situation. Makes it easier to go through with it.

A bit gay? I suppose so..

That aside, I think the word 'understanding' is probably an understatement for him. I have a feeling he's headed out to the Beer Store to pick up some Steamwhistle and a pie so you can celebrate your new look.

Wren

05-02-2007, 01:51 AM

Ok..hurdle one..

As it stands I wear a lot of ambiguously gendered clothing like tailored shirts that are made little girl sized but look like boys shirts. So today I went out on a mission to find more legitimate male clothing.. i hate life sometimes. Pretty much nothing fits.. Except American Eagle stuff.

The endeaver ended in me breaking down into tears. And just wanting to give up asking myself why I'm not embracing my femininity, then I went home and watched a pussycat dolls video.

I feel like wearing girl clothing that looks like boy clothing is a huge cop out.
However..in my genre boys wear girls clothes all the time. so I don't really know what i'm going to do.

Hurdle Two,

I looked down at my nails today and realized that I would have to keep them short.. for some reason that knowledge bothered me for a moment. I'm starting to discover the small nuances that I hadn't ever thought about since I was switching to and from genders constantly. It's strange how different this is than I imagined it would be. A lot harder.

Hurdle three,

I'm not going to be able to go fulltime male. There are activities in my life that, there's pretty much no way that I'm going to be able to be completely male during. That ..really saddens me. I'm afraid of looking like a halfway done have assed freak.

I apologize for making no sense at all.. i'm fairly tired.

kerrianna

05-02-2007, 02:21 AM

Hey Wren, I can totally relate to yr confusion. I think the biggest problem is what we think society wants to see.

I may be off base here, but one of the coolest things I see online is a growing counterculture against all the crap that society and institutions and religions and even our 'friends' put on us.

What I hear from you is that you don't want to be pegged down as either this or that and want to have the freedom to explore all aspects of your being. That's actually really cool, and a lot of us are going through that - in fact I hope I never stop. The day I stop asking WTF is the day I transition to the next life.:heehee:

I too know that I will be half-a**d freak...and fng proud off it. Whatever works for me. I was out today with a very mixed gender message ( I prefer to call it gender blending rather than gender bending). A few store clerks might have looked startled but so what - I felt great being myself.

There is no law against being yourself Wren. Fk what others think...and then when you think of it, that's all that was holding you back. Because being yourself is very simple.

If you don't want to go all one way keep something femme...maybe one or two fingernails...whatever...play with it...esp cuz yr young, you can get away with a lot...play with life kiddo, it's yours to do with as you see fit. :hugs: :love: :love:

bi_weird

05-02-2007, 08:43 AM

Well those are conundrums, no doubt. At this point, I'd stop and ask myself why I'm going full time. Is it so that you'll be seen and treated like a guy by those around you? Or is it so that you'll know what it's like to wear guy clothes and see yourself like a guy? Basically is it about how others see you or how you see yourself? Or both...or neither... But yes. Both are legitamate answers, but they lead to different conclusions. If it's just about how others see you, then go ahead and cheat. Buy boyish girl clothes that'll make you pass and fit better than guy clothes.
(Btw, I wear a lot of American Eagle stuff because it fits well and is cheap. I rationalize it that because I don't pass I look a lot less preppy than the guys at those stores...or so I tell myself.)
If it's about how you see yourself, than that's different. While you can self-define how you see your male side, and decide that he has long nails or whatnot, I'd suggest against it. I'd make some very rigid rules about how boyish you have to be, to make sure you do this experiment to the fullest. Like Poc and his girl time - if you're going to spend time exploring, go all the way so that you have clear results. You'll probably end up finding that you don't want to be THAT guyish, and you'll have a much clearer idea of just how guyish you are. There ARE guys out there that love a lot of feminine things, and it's okay to find those attributes in yourself. Make youreslf play boy, totally one-hundred percent boy, and do it for a month or so. Then you'll know just how boyish you want to be.

Oi. Now that I'm done lecturing...*BIG HUG* Sorry that things are stressing you out so much. If I'm wrong, just ignore everything I said and do what works for you. Try the boys section for clothes - I have a friend who does that all the time. Stuff's more fun there anyway. But yes. Sucks to be stressing over things like that, especially so soon after exams are done. Go have some chocolate now and take ten minutes to do something fun that's just for you.

Dasein9

05-02-2007, 08:56 AM

Okay, I'm inclined to agree that Lesbian-Comment-Guy's kind of being an insecure jerk. Don't mind him, unless he does something funny.

Your boyfriend sounds great. It sounds like he gets that you have to do this for you.

For clothes, have you tried the boys' department? I buy a lot of Land's End online and the Gap boys. The Gap's sizing is such that a boy's size XXL is the same as a men's size S, but the shirts are half the price. If anyone asks, I just say the sleeves fit me better than women's shirts, which is true.

I kind of did the experiment thing last summer, but without planning to. It was a very rewarding experience, and meant a lot to me. When school started in the Fall, and I had to wear a women's suit to class on the first day, I nearly cried. Until the barrista at Starbucks called me "sir," that is. ;) It kind of finds its own way of balancing out, this gender thing. If we give it room to, that is.

Taylor105

05-02-2007, 10:14 AM

I'm with Das. I'm five foot three and petite. I went to a boy's section yesterday and got a size XXL and it fits just as a men's small but the sleeves are more form fitting. And yeah it is a heck of a lot cheaper.

sparro

05-02-2007, 10:53 AM

Trying to find nicely fitting boys clothes is terrible sometimes... some days are better.

Don't be scared of looking like a freak. I understand that when putting on a new look...especially one that seems more personal to you, you're kind of exposing a personal, and likely sensitive part of your yourself for the world to see. But at the same time, ... there's not much room for error when you're wearing pants and a t-shirt.

Just remember that clothes and haircuts are transient. On the scale of your life they messure no more then a few seconds. As Buddha would say, material things cause us to suffer, and only by realizing this can be set free from it. Of course, Machiavelli would say that the material only has as much worth as you put into it. It's people that shape everything. They're both saying the same and different things, but they both have a good point.

Do what makes you happy. You'll never know how much you'll enjoy looking like a boy until you try it. And if you don't, you still have an entire life as a girl behind you. You haven't burned that bridge. Remember too that you're still young and can get away with a lot more then you will be in the future. Take a leap of faith .

...and as Bandit Keith would say: Dressing in what lets you express who you feel like inside is sometimes are hard process, but will ultimately feel very rewarding... in America.

Kieron Andrew

05-02-2007, 10:56 AM

Trying to find nicely fitting boys clothes is terrible sometimes... some days are better.

Don't be scared of looking like a freak. I understand that when putting on a new look...especially one that seems more personal to you, you're kind of exposing a personal, and likely sensitive part of your yourself for the world to see. But at the same time, ... there's not much room for error when you're wearing pants and a t-shirt.

Just remember that clothes and haircuts are transient. On the scale of your life they messure no more then a few seconds. As Buddha would say, material things cause us to suffer, and only by realizing this can you find happiness for yourself. Of course, Machiavelli would say that the material only has as much worth as you put into it. It's people that shape everything. They're both saying the same and different things, but they both have a good point.

Do what makes you happy. You'll never know how much you'll enjoy looking like a boy until you try it. And if you don't, you still have an entire life as a girl behind you. You haven't burned that bridge. Remember too that you're still young and can get away with a lot more then you will be in the future. Take a leap of faith :).
I like you dude! you think and speak logically!! :D

Wren

05-02-2007, 08:11 PM

Machiavelli would say that the material only has as much worth as you put into it. It's people that shape everything.

Hehe..that was Thomas More. I hear what you are saying though, and you're right. And usually I post during moments in which I am a lot less secure than usual.

In the end I'm going to have to cut corners with my clothing but not as a girl trying to look like a boy, but rather as a small boy who's trying to wear clothing he likes. I'm comfortable enough with my masculinity that I can wear a girls shirt. *shrug* I'm going to have to jump over my fears and see beyond them, if I screw up then *shrug* i move on after living in a cave for a while.