Some help on "coming out" please

[Rebecca_Annette]

I don't post here very often, but I visit every day.

I think anyone who has been here a while will have read my previous posts, and will ~ perhaps ~ understand where I am at, or more accurately, where I was at.

Things are not good between my SO and I. They have not been good for several months. I moved into her house, and gave up everything I had. Most of my furniture actually went to her daughter, however, that part of it is all history...

She has always held the "big stick", by that I mean that "everything is hers" and she can "throw me out anytime she wishes". I now have nothing that is mine ~ except TV, DVD, PC, CDs, things like that, but nothing "worthwhile" like beds, fridge, cooker, somehere to sit, etc ~ and the thought of suddenly being thrown on the street with nothing is extremely daunting.

The last time she used the "big stick" I told her, Fine! I will go live with my sister.

We actually visited my sister, and my SO tried to talk my sister around to her way of thinking. Except that blood is thicker than water, and my sister ~ whilst seeing my SO's point of view ~ told me that I was "more than welcome" to stay with her if the necessity arose.

Things calmed down for a while, we have recently returned from a month at my SO's house in Spain. Whilst there everything was great ~ in a way ~ even down to my cross dressing (initially), my SO even bought me some new femme cloting, then decided she did not want me to wear it.

Anyway, to get to the point....

As soon as we got back, things turned a bit sour again, and the "big stick" came out.... This time I told her, quite simply, that OK, she could throw me out anytime she wished, the difference being that now, I could go and stay with my sister until I had the wherewithall to find somewhere of my own.

Then the "bombshell". She said that was fine, then added.....

"But I think she should know about your little habit, I think your children should too...."

To me, it's moral blackmail. I could not actually do anything at the time, but now she has gone back to her house in Spain for a month, and I don't think I'll be here when she returns. My problemn is...

She will follow through on her threat, she will tell my sister about my crossdressing (I don't think she'll tell my children, though) so I need to explain it to my sister first.

I know that for many of you here your crossdressing is not a problem, that it is accepted, mine is not yet. I have to explain to my sister, otherwise I go from the frying pan to the fire.

How the hell do I tell her???

ANY help would be gratefully appreciated.

[JessiRed]

IMHO, your SO is VERY controlling and she basically has you right where she wants. The only advice I can give about that is try to not let these things become bigger than they really are. "Coming Out" when you are not ready is certainly a big deal but don't let your SO hold all the cards, at least let her think it's no big deal to you. Then it will be less enticing for her to use against you.

As for how to tell your sister, that is really up to you based on what you are comfortable with. I have come out to most people in my life and each time was different. Once I just took my friend to my dresser and opened up my panty drawer and said "These are mine, I like them". Other times I was just honest and said whatever came to mind. There was even one time with my mother that I just took a dictionary to her and pointed at the word Transvestite and cried.

This should be up to you, no matter what your SO says. If you are ready to tell your sister than go ahead, if your SO follows through with her threat then she is in the wrong.

You should take that "big stick" and get rid of it:D

:2c:

[Shelly R]

Come straight out with what you do, to your sister. That may be a scarey thought. I don't know how you feel about that. If your SO actually follows through with her threats, you will be outed anyway. So, why not beat her to the punch, and take that "stick" away from her? The reception you receive may be better than you think, you know your sister best. Either way you are stuck between a rock and a hard spot.
This is my :2c: , you are not in a healthy relationship if your SO has to control you with threats and intimidation. Sounds like she is rather insecure, and has to control your feelings, too bad she feels the need to fry you at the same time.

[Gina_darling]

Like you say blood is thicker than water. I would tell your sister but when you are ready. Meanwhile I'd keep cool with your partner don't do anything to upset her until you can tell your sister. Your sister will still accept you and love you, so don't worry. Then once you have done so and are comfortable with your sister knowing I would personally live with her while you look for your own place. Your partner does sound too controlling and right now you are unfortunately subject to that. Start to change that! Good luck with that!

[Alice B]

While your SO is very controling it appears she is this way because she is very inscure. Not a good combination. You should tell your sister and I'm sure she will be understanding. You need to remove the stick from your SO and then see what course she takes. If she does not change I would get out of the relationship as fast as possible for your health and overall well being. Hang in and be tough. It may be just what your SO really wants.:love:

[Rebecca-L]

Come straight out with what you do, to your sister. That may be a scarey thought. I don't know how you feel about that. If your SO actually follows through with her threats, you will be outed anyway. So, why not beat her to the punch, and take that "stick" away from her? The reception you receive may be better than you think, you know your sister best. Either way you are stuck between a rock and a hard spot.
This is my :2c: , you are not in a healthy relationship if your SO has to control you with threats and intimidation. Sounds like she is rather insecure, and has to control your feelings, too bad she feels the need to fry you at the same time.

I agree. I do not believe there is any future with your SO. It sounds to me like she is a controlling person who will use any threat to get what she wants. If one threat is not strong enough, then she will find another.

Just my opinion, based on what I have read.

[Rebecca_Annette]

Thanks for all the input.

Yes, telling my sister is the only way forward, whether she accepts or not, I have no other option.

Do I just come out and say.... "Oh, incidentally, the brother you think the world of likes to dress up in women's clothes"? Or, "By the way, I'm a transvestite."

I'm not even sure how to approach the subject.

Again, any advice would be truly appreciated.

Rebecca(Andy)

[Emily Ann Brown]

Your situation reminds me of a dear sister friend who is further down the road of life.... married, and has no life because of the control freak she is married to. Consider if you want the rest of your days to be like it is now just worse.


Telling is different for everyone, but for me it's "I have never been comfortable with who I am. I didn't fit into the teenage male scene. Don't fit into the adult male scene either. I finally realized I have a VERY strong female nature that I cannot deny or ignore. I need periods of being the female I feel I am inside." Then I explain I do not want SRS or hormones or male lovers.....usually works well.....for me at least.


Emily Ann

[Angie G]

Tell your sister if she is OK with it it will help with the SO :hugs:
Angie

[michelleupnorth]

I'd tell your sister that it was your SO that encouraged you to dress that it was her idea to start with and you actually enjoyed doing it once she introduced you to it. Not that big of a deal and now she want to blackmail you with it.

[Melanie R]

Obviously your SO is very controlling and seems to me to have some severe emotional problems. She is dangerous. You need to get out of that relationship NOW and do not look back. Show her you will not be controlled. You can do it!

Hugs,

Melanie

[marie354]

Well, I see who wears the pants in that family. TeeHeeHee.

I told my first wife before we got married and she thought it was cute.
She would hold crossdressing over my head once in a while telling that she would out me.
Her dad would even crossdress at wing-dings he would have about 4 times a year. When he was drunk, of course. So I'd just mention that he was a crossdresser and she would quit for a while.

Anyway....

Don't let anyone blackmail you. Tell your sister first, before she does. Maybe even tell your kids too. That way she'll have to find something else to hold over your head.
:hugs:

[featherelizabeth]

your sis may already know; she's more likely to accept U. your SO needs to decide if she's going to accept You or not. she may be on/off again about the whole thing, yet it's very hard to be the same way about yourself.get out from under her thumb; she will crush your spirit quicker than anything.
I have found children are more accepting than you may think...I walk around
with toenails painted and they never ask any questions about them...if they do ask y my toenails are painted, I say "because they are" and hear nothing else about it....

[Butterfly Bill]

You can find beds, fridge, cooker, somehere to sit, etc at your Salvation Army thrift store or whatever the equivalent is in the UK. You might find out that you have more than nothing if you go out on the street and it isn't the total destruction that you fear it is. Whatever, I would pull the face curtain and eject on this woman. She is not good for you.

[MJ]

thats right you should tell everyone you both know, then you have nothing hide you should never be a shame of who you are .this is a part of you this way there is nothing she can do to hurt or harm you
if the people are your true friends then this will not matter whats the big deal ?
this way you find out your true friends and you will be set free ..

[Rebecca_Annette]

The protective shell you keep around yourself, probably doesn't only protect you from possible hurt from others, it likely prevents you from expressing your better side to them, whether in sharing, helping or anything else...

I think those are just about the most profound words I have ever heard/read. It's all true, and I don't think it applies just to me.

But yes, I have a lot of "hang-ups", not just my crossdressing, that one seems minor in comparison to some of them.

You say to ask myself:-


What would you want in your life?
Seriously, what do you really want?
Answer this to yourself, not to me.
Not what you think you can get, but what do you REALLY WANT?My answer?

To be happy

Where that road lies is a different story, and the one I will answer to myself. In fact have answered to myself.

I phoned my sister, I'm going to pop through and see her tomorrow (she works night shift at a hospital, so tomorrow is the earliest I can do it.)

I will tell her. There are only two choices, she either accepts or she doesn't.

But at the same time, I'll try to tell her all my other "hang-ups" and psychological problems. I think she'll understand, she's still in the process of coming to terms with her own "problems", so I think we have common ground there.


Not what you think you can get, but what do you REALLY WANT?
As if there was no limits and no way to fail?

That's an easy one to answer:-

Somewhere of my own, on my own, so I can be me.

With the emphasis on "on my own".

I am the wrong side of 50, and have only ever had 3 serious sexual relationships in my life. They didn't work out. I think that is down to me. I am extremely introverted and shy (the word shy always sounds so "coy" ~ but it is what I am). I also believe that I am quite selfish and shallow.

Perhaps I am destined to be alone? I was alone for two years after leaving my wife. Strange as it sounds, I was very happy during those 2 years.

Hopefully, I will have a long chat with my sister tomorrow, and I will tell her all, and I promise I'll post the outcome here.


for Michelleupnorth:-

It seems a perfect answer, and partially true, but I don't think I could go down that road. It would put me in the same league as the one who is "abusing" (yes - that IS the right word) me, shallow and selfish I am, cruel and hurtful, I do not want to be.


For ALL:-

Thank you for your input, and yes Butterfly Bill, there are Salvation Army/ charity shop type things here, and it's a good suggestion.

Wish me luck, for me it's "one small step for mankind, one giant leap for this man."

Thank you.
Peace

Rebecca (Andy)

[Holly]

Rebecca my heart goes out to you. Try and look at the situation as a crossroad in your life. Look at it as an opportunity for YOU to take control and be in charge. So your SO has all the "stuff"... so what? A place to sleep and a bed tp sleep on can always be aquired... Butterfly Bill has the right idea. Self confidence and self worth are much more important. Right now your SO is controling those things in you. Take control back from her NOW. Start with your sister, as you will need an ally. As for how, think back to when the two of you were growing up. I assume you played together. Did you ever do things with her that were considered more girl like than boy like? Maybe she thought you did them because you are her brother and you love her. And I'm sure that is true. But maybe if she knew that you enjoyed some of those things because you are transgendered (a fact you need to come to accept yourself) she would have more understanding of who you are now. The great part of YOU telling you sister and not your SO is that it puts you in control of what is being said and how it's being said. It sounds like you and your sister have been close throughout your lives. There is no reason for that to stop now. In fact, your openness to her may in fact draw the two of you closer together than ever before.

You've asked how to tell your sister. You know her better than any of us. But I would suggest that you approach her with gentleness, sensitivity, and honesty. The attitude of, "I'm a tranny; deal with it!", rarely works. But I like to cook or enjoy texture and color in my wardrobe because I feel femme inside or I like to epress my emotions may help to explain things to her in a way that is easier to understand.

In any case, you MUST get out of yur current relationship with your SO as soon as possible. Please let us know how you are doing. And PM me if you think that I can help.

[cocopuff's girl GG]

Step away from the stick..... Awwww the SO has a stick and she's using it. Be afraid, be very afraid... This is exactly what she wants you to be, afraid otherwise she would not have said those words to you. It's not her place to tell your family. She buys you stuff then decides she doesn't want you to wear it, how cruel. I know at first us GG's kinda go back and forth on the issue. Some days it doesn't bother me and some days it does but I'd never buy anything enfem for him if I didn't want him to wear it. I think maybe you need to have a long talk with her dressed as a guy and start from the beginning from where she suggested you get rid of all your stuff and give it to her daughter just to leave you in a my way or the highway delima. Also I'd remind her as well as the your sister you may or may not tell about her buying you things and seemingly supporting you in it. I'd sit your sister down and say sis we need to talk I have something to tell you and it's difficult for me to say. I want you to know that I love you and always have and always will no matter what and all I ask is that you hopefully feel the same way about me. Then slowly not getting ahead of your self explain that this is something you like to do. I'm not sure at this moment I'd go into every little detial. If she asks questions answer truthfully but maybe not every little detail is needed at this jucture. You don't want to overwhelm her right off the bat. As far as your children I'd leave that one alone. I don't think she will tell them. Once she see's you have told the sister she may think you also told them so go with the don't ask don't tell motto for now. These are just some of my own suggestions as how to tell her and combat the SO. You can do with it what you want. I know if I was the sister it would be a little better this way depending on how close you two are. Sounds to me you need to take the stick out of her hand and quickly. If this is how it's going to be always making threats if you don't do things her way this time it's the dressing what will it be next time. I'd consider getting out of the relationship if this continues. Keep everything on the downlow till you can save some money and get out on your own again. Leave the stick at the door and tell her to get on it and ride..... JK :love:

[cocopuff's girl GG]

Is a tranny and a CDer the same thing????

[Rebecca_Annette]

Is a tranny and a CDer the same thing????

rightly or wrongly, it is regarded as the same thing here in England

[clint2nat]

hi rebecca tell ure sis u cross dress that dosent sound as hard as transvestite hope all goes well 4 u xx

[Staci G]

I'd tell your sister that it was your SO that encouraged you to dress that it was her idea to start with and you actually enjoyed doing it once she introduced you to it. Not that big of a deal and now she want to blackmail you with it.


I agree throw her under the bus thats what she wants to do to you.. She is sooo much like my wife it is scary. So my advice is RUN FOREST RUN..tell your sister she liked it and you just went along

[Rebecca_Annette]

I had a great chat with my sister, about everything and nothing, eventually the talk came around to our childhood, and our upbringing ~ which was quite strict, and frequently friendless ~ she actually raised the subject of she and my other sister dressing me up in their clothes and pushing me around in their doll prams, she added "We were both quite cruel to you, weren't we?"

That was my opening, I said to her that some things hadn't changed.

She gave me a strange look, and I chickened out, said something like she was still cruel to me. We both laughed and the subject was changed.

I know, I know.....

I tried, and I'll try again, I'm going to dinner with her this coming saturday, I'll try again, I promise, but ~ to me ~ I think I'd rather try a first parachute drop.

I WILL do it on Saturday. It's no big deal!

Peace
Rebecca

[Sissy]

Rebecca your SO really has you in a mess, I'm sorry that you are having to go through all that. She is controlling your every move. It is only a matter of time before she tells your sister what you are doing. It is also very likely that she will tell your friends. Unfortunately there is no easy answer to your problem. You have got to tell your sister, that is extremely important, the sooner the better. It will be better for her to hear it from you than from your SO. You say you started to tell your sister but lost your nerve. I understand that, don't feel bad about it. However, don't let this week end without telling her. One way you can end your worries forever is to tell your friends what you like to do and get everything out in the open. I agree with what MJ said, you should not be ashamed of what you are. If word spreads around that you are a crossdresser you will find out who your friends really are. Of course that is a big step, if you can't do it I understand. No matter what happens, you need to make a clean break from that lady and not let her control you. Take charge of your life and enjoy it. Good luck to you.

[Carin's Wife GG]

your SO gives the rest of us a really bad name. I am so sorry!


Love,


louise.

[kerrianna]

I'm sorry I didn't see this thread until now Rebecca.

You're doing the right thing in telling your sister, and the way you do it is going to be up to you and likely intuitive, the way you are doing it now. Only you know best your relationship with her. Softening the news, dropping hints is common. I'm doing it now with my family, so that when I finally do tell them they will say "Oh yeah we figured something was up." You've kind of laid the groundwork now because you've hinted to your sister there's something else you aren't telling her.

So when you do, and I hope you do this weekend, then just be open and honest and true. You may find yourself a very supportive ally in your sister and it certainly sounds like you need one. Don't apologise and don't make excuses. You are trusting her with a BIG thing, and if she's a good sister she will recognize that and respect, even treasure, it.

What you do, what ANY of us do, IS NOT WRONG. It's a part of who we are, a big part for many of us, and the more we are honest and truthful with ourselves and the world the happier we will be with ourselves. So good luck kiddo, I know you will make it work for you. :hugs: :love:

Let us know how it goes. :happy:

[battybattybats]

You can't give in to terrorism, or as my grandmother used to say 'your first loss is your best loss'.

You are right, you can't be threatened with something that cannot harm you and coming out under your ownn terms removes that threat. Of course there could be other threats. You need qualified legal advice on protecting yourself. Get it ASAP!

My heart goes with you. Take care.

[kristytv]

well as long as you dint have to care for any animals or anyone at the house i would be gone when she came back, life is too short to deal with people like that .

[Dixie]

NIKE says it best "Just Do It" In the long run you will be happier and maybe she can find someone to bully that likes it and then they can be happy!!:hugs: :D

[christina marie]

umm excuse me please , iknow im new here, and dont mean to over step my boundaries in this, but did i hear you say selfish and shallow???? since when is being yourself selfish and shallow??? if it is time, then do it! some famous guy said" to thine own self, be true", but we all know that some cute little blonde whispered it in his ear! if our aspiration is to emulate the women we admire, then why not their wisdom? always protect yourself, from every aspect, financial,emotional and personal! we allow others into our little worlds for whatever reason we need them, but we must never allow them to lead us by the nose. please remember that above all else this is YOUR life and YOUR adventure! if they choose not to share, then they shall be the less for the lack of your company!

[Rebecca_Annette]

Once again, thank you for the additional responses and advice since I last had opportunity to visit here on Friday morning.

Well, the first mountain has been crossed, and the "big stick" has been removed for the present.

I "came out" to my absolutely wonderful sister yesterday. I referred back to our recent chat, and told her that what I had meant by "somethings never change". I told her that I crossdressed, her response was a simple "and?"

She went on to tell me that she'd always had "suspicions" and that at one stage of our lives she had thought that I was perhaps gay.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I have a key to her home, and the promise of a room whenever I wish to take it, and the promise of a "shopping trip" together in the very near future.

I managed to make a mountain out of a molehill, somehow ~ a very large mountain from a very tiny molehill. And I really wish to say a heartfelt THANK YOU to all you people here for your support, consideration, advice, and kindness.

I feel more positive about everything than I have done for a very long time, and feel that I wish to become much more active on the boards here. Having said that though, I'll probably just slip back into "reading mode"....:o

Thank you again.

Peace
Rebecca\Andy

[kerrianna]

:hugs: Yay Rebecca/Andy congratulations. That was very brave of you and you must be so relieved, like a weight is off your shoulders.

It's funny how much some people, esp family, turn out to know. It's great that you sister is so cool. I had a feeling she would be. :love:

Don't be shy about posting...but reading's okay to. Whatever works for you. :happy:

[Holly]

Rebecca, I can't tell you how happy that I am for you. Your sister sounds like an amazing lady. It must be an incredible relief to you yo not have this "stick" facing you day after day. Now, take the time you have and start to prepare for your future.

[Dixie]

WOO HOO !!!!!!

[Sheila]

Rebecca,
glad things went well telling your sister, and really glad you now have somewhere to go if you decide that you need to :hugs:

[MJ]

Congratulations

it feels so good when a secreat is out and you don't have to hide.. be yourself it's sooo good

[EricaCD]

I think it's fair to say we are ALL proud of you. And you have every right to be proud of yourself. I would now suggest that you continue the winning streak and call the bluff of your domineering spouse. And if she balks, then you will know that you may be wearing the skirts, but that doesn't mean she's wearing the pants :)

Best,
Erica

[Lori SC]

Yeah Rebecca!

I just finished reading the series of posts. I'm glad you had a happy ending with your sister.

Now what will happen with your SO? Are you going to leave?

I suggest that you are a grown person, and have to get out on your own again. I think it will be better for you if you can get out on your own without resorting to your sisters. You can do it! All you need is a place. Furniture to move in is only a sleeping bag, a card table and a couple chairs, and a hot plate or microwave. And you can get those at the UK equivalent of Wally World in one shopping trip.

Hugs, Lori

[Chantelle CD]

Here is an idea :

Tell your sister that you love her, and always will unconditionally forever.
then she will prolly say i do too, right, then say there is something i have to tell you, and u are afraid to tell her, and that you dont want it to changer your relationship, or how she looks at you. Then just let it out, tell her when it started, that u dont know why its a part of you, or tell her if you do know, tell her if yo are gay or not, but most importantly, because of your circumstances, tell her that you dont have to do it while you are staying there, and who knows, maybe she will even help you with it, I'm betting that she will, if she is a nurse you said was it? people in this field are very caring souls to do this type of work.

I'm sorry about your relationship, :( cant be healthy

best of luck telling her, wishing u strength

Chantelle

[Chantelle CD]

I missed a page and didnt see untill my post showed on page 2 <blond moment> *blushing*

so happy for you!! i had a feeling she would understand

sorry for the first post lol