Childhood trauma

[AmberTG]

After reading Kerrianna's response to another thread, I decided to ask this question to see how many of you were affected by a childhood trauma. You don't have to describe it if you don't want to, I know that can be intensely personal, but just a general yes or no and if you think it had an effect on, or possibly caused, your gender confusion.
I don't recall any childhood trauma in my life, the worst thing I can say is that my dad was gone a lot, he was on flight status in the U.S. Air Force. I kinda doubt that had anything to do with my issues though, for me, it wasn't traumatic, it's just the way it was. As a little kid, it's just the way it is, you don't know any different.
So, how about you?

[Maggie Kay]

I had multiple traumatic events in my early childhood. My mother was a man hater and made sure I was going to hate men too. She was very successful. She had been coerced into sex by my father who deserted her to marry another woman he also got pregnant. She was convinced that I would be a girl and didn't have a boy's name picked out. She said I was a mistake and dressed me in girl's clothes early on. When told the facts of life at 6, she said men lose control when they get horny and basically rape women who do not want sex. I lived in terror of becoming a man. I cried and cried when I had my first wet dream.

In my home town of 3000 people, I was considered weird or not normal because I was "illegitimate" and there were no others like me. As a result, people treated sometimes treated me like a sub human. I bear the scars of multiple wounds from injuries inflicted on me by other "normal" kids. It was OK to not treat me when I broke my arm. It had to heal unset on it's own. No one believed me even though it was twisted. At the time, my crazy mother was in a mental hospital and I was being taken cared of by "good" church people.

When I was a teenager, I was molested by a wealthy man that I was working for. I had no recourse, he was one of the "good" people.

I internalized all these things as part of being male. I hated it.

I resolved not to raise my daughter like I was and she is well adjusted and an "A student" in college now.

[Shelly R]

Yes, I am a victim of childhood trauma, many worse than others. Descriptions are better left for other places. :happy:
No, it was never the cause of my gender (identity) confusion problems. That issue started many years before that particular incident in my life.
I may not have known what was wrong, but I did know I was wrong!

[Lisa Maren]

When I was 6 to 18 months old, my parents had a nanny who would not let my mother hold me. She only worked for my parents for two weeks before they fired her, though, thank goodness.

I'm not sure what effect that might have had.

Thing is, when I was in pre-kindergarten I used to get easily upset over nothing and I was also very sensitive to sensory stimuli. I have had lifelong problems with self-esteem and anxiety. These things are evidently signals of abuse.

Sometimes I wonder if my parents have committed emotional abuse. I have ADHD and we didn't know about it until I was a teenager. I would get yelled at by my parents for things like making mistakes writing thank-you notes for Christmas gifts and such (before they knew I have ADHD).

I have realized in the last year, maybe two, that my mother has always blamed other people for her weaknesses and mistakes, and for years I believed that I was a difficult person. She never did anything to discourage me from believing that. Now I believe otherwise, fortunately.

I don't know if I've been abused or not. I don't think it had anything to do with my gender confusion, though (I started wearing my mother's pantyhose when I was three) and my mother and I did have a good relationship (which may be odd).

Hugs,
Lisa

[MistressWickedness]

yes i was the product of extream abuse both physical and mental, first off, I was born hermaphrodite a fact i didnt learn till i was 30, even though the airforce suspected i was intersexed before i got out. my mother in her infinate wisdom(am i being sarcastic enough) told the Drs that my older brother needed a play mate so to make me male. then as i grew up and didnt conform i was beat, ridiculed, taunted, and told that if anyone knew what i was they would kill me. and by beat i mean till id pass out bleeding, waking hours later with my little sister cleaning the blood off of me in another room, my step dad who was a 6' 4" 365lbs hells angel biker, ussually dragged me into another room after hed finished beating me n id passed out. and my grandmother a "penticostal" woman calling me the spawn of satan because god dont make mistakes, and my getting blamed for everything my brother or sisters did because they were normal, n me i was a freak, and the better i was at anything the more i was beat because i was NOT supposed to be better then the rest. then as i hit puberty at 11 my body rejected my male organs and my mother had the drs give me extra testosterone and steroids to try and force my body into accepting the male organs, even though it made me sick, severe migrains and such which i later found out a womans brain cant handle high levels of testosterone n so it was literaly like poison to me. but to my dear sweet mother it didnt matter so long as her secret was kept just that , secret. then when i got older having the police harrass me at my mothers request, her encouraging people to steal from me, trying to keep me from getting enough money to do what i needed to do. and yes I too have broken the abuse chain, because i swore i would never beat any child as i was beaten, and i never have. my neighbors continually praise my son on how well manored he is and how well behaved and respectfull, yes im very proud of him n ive raised him by myself since day one. lol so no the abuse didnt make me who i am i was born tg. but the abuse did make me strong enough to survive being tg. i am part indian and to my people we are called 2 spirit and highly respected in most cases more then a midicine person, so i have come to call this my white curse and red blessing.

[AmberTG]

I'm not even sure what to say to that except that I'm glad you survived and went on to build your life despite the abuse of your childhood. Human inner strength is a wondrus thing, it's amazing what people can survive!

[faltenrock]

Well this threat could be of general CD interest.

YES, I had a terrible accident at young childhood. I got into an exposion and caught fire, my face was havily burned - it took a couple of years for physical recovery and many more for phsychological recovery and many surgery.

That incident might have influened my CD, because I think there was a difficult development of gender identification, caused by the many scars. I have also experienced heavy fears about the future and any kind of life perspectives. Everthing turned out ok - but I'd never wish anything like this to my worst enemy.

Doreen

[Cai]

No, I don't think I faced any childhood trauma, unless you want to count my parent's divorce when I was 12. I have a whole host of mental issues that seem like they should be related to childhood trauma and aren't.
I also test closer to the autistic spectrum. (For example, if a normal score is 50, and someone with Asperger's scores 30, I scored around a 40). That may have had more effect than anything else, because I have trouble making close friendships and understanding people.

[kerrianna]

MistressWicked your story is painful to read...but inspiring in your strength of spirit. I sure hope the rest of your life is full of joy and happiness. You look absolutely radiant and beautiful in your picture. :hugs::love:

My childhood traumas were mainly just the daily crap from an abusive, alcoholic father who singled me out for special attention. I'm not sure what it was about me that bugged him so much. Maybe I was too femme for him, maybe too mouthy (got slapped across that mouth a few times for talking back - doesn't seem to have shut me up :heehee:).

He modelled some pretty depressing male behaviour for me, some of which I was starting to quietly emulate later in life until I realized not only was I not him, but I'm not exactly male either. That has made a HUGE difference to my life, and the lives of my nearest and dearest.

Of course being 'different' than my peers also brought the joys of daily trauma from them. It's no wonder I escaped into my mind. At least I developed a very good imagination from all that.

My father is the only person I have wished dead in my life. I had to force myself to feel remotely bad, although now I have a lot more sympathy for what he had gone through himself. Doesn't excuse the terror he brought to our family.

[GypsyKaren]

My childhood consisted of mental, physical, and emotional torture, and was very ugly. My p-doc and I both agree that I am Karen in spite of what happened to me, not because of it.

Karen

[DeeInGeorgia]

The only thing for me was a lack of physical affection, not being touched as a child, except to be spanked. It did make it difficult to reach out to girls to make friendships. Sister was getting her hair braided all the time, but I didn'y get touched at all.

Dee

[MistressWickedness]

The only thing for me was a lack of physical affection, not being touched as a child, except to be spanked. It did make it difficult to reach out to girls to make friendships. Sister was getting her hair braided all the time, but I didn'y get touched at all.

Dee

I know exactly what you mean my childhood was the same way, I can remember the only two times my mother touched me in an affectionate or caring maner once when I was 4 and very sick and my great grandparents came by, and her and my great grandmother came in to check on me and ran her fingers thru my hair, but I think it was more as a show for my great grandmother. The second time was when I was 17 and I had had my tounsiles removed a few days earlier and we were riding in a car going to visit my great grandmother who was dying, and some stitches had rippied and I was bleeding and spitting up alot of blood and became weak and had to lay my head on her lap and she ran her fingers thru my hair, then finaly took me to the hospital the next day lol.

[ToyGirl]

My childhood was not ideal. It is something that will allways affect me. Though i don't think it played any major role into why i am TS.

[Jessicafem]

I've been crossdressing since around 7- 9 years old and I mostly remember a wonderful childhool. (there were episodes in grade school where I would have uncontrollable anger outbursts though) At one time I went to see a phsycirostris when I was in my late 20's who after asking me questions suggested that I might of been sexually abused by my mother at a very young age. (I don't remember) This was becouse of the way I masturbated using my hands in a peculer way. I had who seemed to be a wonderful mom and we were close, But there seemed to certain things about the way she behaved and the way I responded that possibly might of pointed to this. Although we were very close (my dad wasn't around much, he was always working) The reason for yearning to be a woman was expained to me possibly that it was an emotionally way to deal such a tramatic exeperience. (Thinking that possilby when I was still a baby) That the way I emotionally deal with it was that if I was already a woman it would help minimize the trauma. There was an observation in world war II when jewish people thinking to avoid or deal with being tortured became nazis) Seems kind of crazy has anyone heard of this? Its so hard becouse you can pretty much spin anything the way you want to explain it. Although this did seem interesting

[Joy Carter]

Mom and dad divorced when I was two and I don't recall much about him until I was six. She had a hate for him that was beyond reason. I recall dressing at age maybe four while living with my grandparents. I don't know what part of the family upset played it my being TG. But there was always an upset going so I'm told. Then came the live-in boy friend who was abusive to say the least. I can't recall any time when my two brothers didn't tell me I was a sissy. All I know it being TG has affected all my relationships from as long as I can remember. It kept me from being in the military. I just wish I had dealt with these feelings early on. Although I have been successful in my marriage and work life. How I felt about me has never been positive. It's one reason why I'm a work-aholic. LoL. My work has given me great satisfaction but it's secondary to my wife and two kids.

[Teresa Amina]

I think in my case it was not trauma triggering a Trans consciousness but that being trans caused certain traumas. Being a girlish boy sets one up for all kinds of trouble, mostly from other kids really. My parents had their faults-who doesn't? But none of the horrors some of you have described.

[AmberTG]

Ya, I can relate to that Teresa, I was the skinny little kid in school, the easy target, although it wasn't really a problem until high school.

[zencat-x]

To this day this is hard for me to understand. At a very early age I was erotized by my mother. This derailed my sexual development. All through my childhood I was preoccupied with autoerotic behavior and cross dressing was a part of that. At thirteen I found that drugs heighten the erotic sensation and at the same time took away the shame I had with my experiences with my mother.


I decided to ask this question to see how many of you were affected by a childhood trauma. You don't have to describe it if you don't want to, I know that can be intensely personal, but just a general yes or no and if you think it had an effect on, or possibly caused, your gender confusion.

I think it may have. If anything my childhood experiences did jack me up, but good. :hypnotized:

[melissaK]

I don't recall any childhood trauma in my life, the worst thing I can say is that my dad was gone a lot, he was on flight status in the U.S. Air Force. As a little kid, it's just the way it is, you don't know any different. So, how about you?

I too was a USAF brat. My wounds run deep from it. Missing my Dad who was TDY all the time, constant moving, constant loss of friends was like dealing with their deaths, always the new kid. I have issues to this day, including a huge fear of moving, and I detach emotionally in new situations (i.e. a coping skill learned as the new kid), which can lead to relationship problems.

If you suspect your brat years left you wounded (not all of us brats were wounded) find and read "Military Brats: Legacies of Childhood Inside the Fortress" (Paperback) by Mary Edwards Wertsch. A 1992 book back in print in 2006.

But, like Teresa Amina, I don't think any of that affected my CD/TS issues. Those run so deep and so constant from childhood on. I had some peer and teacher abuse caused by those desires, not the other way around.

Though I wonder about my early months - I was shipped off by my Mom and raised by her Mom for my first year. If infant bonding is a potential cause (never read that it is) mine was certainly disrupted.

hugs,
'lissa

[AmberTG]

Hi Melissa,
I can sure relate to your situation! Been there, done that!
My older brother and my mom lived with my mom's parents for at least 6 months before I was born because of my dad being in the Philippines back then. He was in Viet Nam two different times when I was a kid, 2 years there, 2 years here, then 2 years there again. I'm sure it affected me in some ways, but I've never really explored that, wouldn't know where to start at this point in my life, and I'm not sure it would be worth digging into at this point for me.

[Sodapop]

I had a hardworking dad and a nice mom. I don't think I was ever abused. I am told by my older sister that my parents fought a LOT (no violence) but I do not remember it until I was older. My parents never told me that they loved me or were proud of me, a mistake that I am not making with my children.

I had urges and small activities in crossdressing from as early as I can remember, probably age 6. It was definately before I was sexually aware.

At age 12 my parents divorced, but I do not think it has any relationship to my crossdressing.

I was not an effeminate child, but possibly I did tend to cry easily and felt very shy until age 14. I was paranoid about dressing, to the point where I did not want to wear halloween costumes of any kind. (irrational fear)

I thought about it, and fantasized about being a girl but never felt that I was born the wrong gender.

I do not attribute any of my gender feelings on my childhood experiences.

[John]

Seems kind of crazy has anyone heard of this? Its so hard becouse you can pretty much spin anything the way you want to explain it. Although this did seem interesting

I've studied psychology, and I'd advise you be very cairfull with this situation. There's something called 'recovered memory syndrome', where psychologists/theropists unintentionaly implant memories of childhood sexual abuse (either by pairents or other figures of authority). For the love of god, if they sugest any type of hypnosis (or similar treatment) get another doctor, as it's a proven way to create falce memories.
A few decades ago about half the children in the shetland islands where forcably removed from they're pairents to protect them from 'ritual sexual abuce', which was later proven to be almost compleatly untrue, so beleave me it's not unherd of.

If you feel the nead to pursue it, then you probably should, but be cairfull.


Aaaand no. As far as I can tell I'm traumer free.

[Tammy_j]

hi, my name is Tammy. i've been posting on the cd forums lately. i have such feeling and empathy for all of you. i'm ts on hrt for about 5-6 months. i always felt i should have been a girl and loved to wear my sisters clothes and do girls stuff. my family is very strict and homophobic to the nth degree. so i tried to be a guy but i always felt that to be wrong. about 10 yrs ago i started looking into ts seriously. my experiences cannot compare to some of yours. my dad would beat us for the slightest infraction with a leather belt. and i was sexually abused at about 5-6 yrs old by a male relative. so now i'm so happy just being myself.

anyways, that's about it. btw wicked mistress, i don't know if this means much but i was often told that one of my distant relatives (great great? grandfather) who was french married a Micmac indian squaw. so, i guess i'm part indian (even if its only a little bit).

Thanks for listening,
love, Tammy

[The Gas Man Cometh]

Well, when I was about 7-9 years old my mother was violently abusive to me, and my brother sexually abusive.
My dad was the only one who took our whole family to a psychiatrist to help us out.
Because of the abuse at the time, I had a severe temper problem, and they put me on drugs to calm me [not rittalin, something different I don't know the name of], but found out the root of the problems. Well, my mum's problem anyway.
So they stopped her abusing me, and I was a calmer child. They didn't know about my brother abusing me until I was 16, when I decided to tell them, even though my dad had caught it happening twice before. It went on for 2 years straight.

Anyhow, whilst I am not gender confused, I believe that I lost my childhood and so it has pushed me to be mature for my age, for most of my life, yet also, to act very childish, call my GF "Mummy," and indulge in Infantilism [fetish lifestyle where adults and teens dress up and act like babies] to heal me emotionally, and to feel like I can regain a relive a childhood, just to move on.

[Steff26]

Well everyone, this has been hard for me until now. I am seeing a therapist, and she has been a gift from GOD. I am a victim of sexual, and physical abuse. The sexual went on from 5-8 years old, and my father beat the sh*t out of me until around 11. The worst time was when I told him that that A$#hole friend of his liked to touch little boys. He is dead now. Ended up with cancer, it was slow and painful for him, and I could care less. I was actually relieved. I know it sounds harsh, as I am not normally vindictive, or do I seek revenge on anyone. Anyway, yes I was affected affected by the trauma. My therapist thinks my female identity stems from it. It does not matter though, I love myself, and would not change it for the world.

[Jessicafem]

Thx for all your feedback. I realize that there is never any one reason that contributes to various behaviors. Some prenatal some enviromental etc... I thought about the therapist possibly planting this ideal in my head which is why I posted this. The older I get the more I realize how lucky I am to have the parents I did. Some of your stories are really something and I feel for you. Its so hard for me to seperate all the different feelings I have becouse there is both a longing to be a woman but also there is a sexual component I get out of it. (Although mostly it is a way to get it out of my hed so I can go on with my day. I think If I could be convincing as a woman and financially secure I could actually leave my room go out in public! Then I wouldn't need the sexual fettish part but I know I would not make a very attractive woman) and being a man makes things a lot easier. I hope this is ok to ask becouse I think everyone has there own place with various behaviors and if anything this has made me understand and more empathatic to all varitions of the human condition. I would really like to know if you know of anybody thats been successful with whatever treatment not having these urges anymore honestly without suppressing them which is the only success I've had that led to depression. I also find that if I'm pressing forward with something careerwise and and balance my personal life of dressing energy into picking up and meeting woman I can push it to the side but I'm not gettting at the foundation so it just comes back. (plus its a lot of work) What will be funny is if I ever am successful resolving it, Some other behavior will replace it like drinking to much or drugs! Lol Anyway I appreciate any feedback. Jessica (Hopefully there is reincaration so I can start out as a girl in my next lifetime!)