another question for all of you - TG and SO after SRS

[Carin's Wife GG]

both TGs and SOs/GGs.

How many of you see yourselves together if the TG person were to undergo an actual SRS?


Louise.

[Sheila]

Louise,
I may be a lightwight but hormones and SRS are my dealbreakers ......... just got no staying power I guess:sad:

[Nicole]

This would be the ultimate test of 'loving beyond the exterior' wouldn't it?

I don't think my SO would stay after I had SRS. I doubt I would be able to stay either, because in my case the procedure would mean that I wanted to live exclusively as a heterosexual woman.

[Sandra]

It wouldn't make any difference to me I would stay support, help Nigella and love her just as much as I do now.

[Lilian]

I really would stay and give all the support needed, after all you love the person inside, what they look like outside is only a shell for all the good things inside.

[jessie_cal]

My wife said she would be ok with it. But I'm a long ways away from considering SRS. I'll just stick with cd'ing.

[Country girl]

I don't mind the CDing, in fact helping buy clothes, makeup and dressing, etc. is fun for me, but when push comes to shove, at the end of the day, I want a man. So the answer for me is no way. Srs or even wanting to be full time enfemme would definately be the ultimate deal breaker for me. But I do have to say that I applaud all the GG's who are with someone who has or is going through SRS. That is one of the truest forms of unconditional love. :hugs: CG GG

[Satrana]

I think this question is also heavilly dependent upon how old you are. If you have already been married a long time and have had kids and are looking forward to retirement then sticking together for the remaioning years with an SO who has SRS is maybe not such a dealbreaker. But if you are young and have a full life to look forward to, including children, then it would be very very hard to stay married - but staying friends maybe possible.

[Colleen]

to even think about something like that.And ive been parted out enough with surgery.I like me just the way I am different.

[Raychel]

I am only really in it for the clothes. The whole SRS thing certainly is not for me. But I can tell you for sure that my wife would be gone in a heartbeat if that were to ever come to be. She is only partly tolerant of the CD issue. Underwear is OK with her, but nothing else.

[Tree GG]

...If you have already been married a long time and have had kids and are looking forward to retirement then sticking together for the remaioning years with an SO who has SRS is maybe not such a dealbreaker. ....

Very good point.

Off the top of my head, no. Sorry, will love you forever but the husband in my heart & head is a man.

However......if the kids were grown & gone, there was only he & I, retired and no livelihood issues.....maybe.

If he wanted to continue in a monogamous relationship with me....or if he was looking to become female and attract men.... both would sway the decision.

My favorite color is plaid so my answer to your question is maybe (which is about 179-1/2 degrees off what I would've said 3 months ago). :heehee:

[MsJanessa]

well its really not an issue for me as I have no desire for SRS etc---I do know one TS who has gone through with it and her wife did stay with her---so far anyway-----another TS I know divorced after she told her spouse---it really depends, not only on the person, but also on the type of relationship they have.

[Josi]

I met my SO on a dating site. I presented as Josi and after contact of many hours, and phone calls of many more hours we met .. and 3 years later are planning marriage.

In the early days, as someone never before having to think about CDing, she asked many many questions .. one of which was what I really wanted. Did I want to "be" a woman.

I said .. I just to be a guy in a dress from time to time and be LIKE a woman and to relate to her and the outrside world as Josi from time to time.

BUT the majority of the time to be a "regular guy" and be her man.

She was honest .. and doesnt want a companion .. she wants a FULL relationship.
Fair enough. Hooray actually!
So, I think I can answer for her in that if I wanted SRS, she wouldnt have started a relationship and it just wouldnt be what she wanted out of life.

[susants]

we are married 29 years and my so was always ok with me dressing , in the last 10 years i dress a lot more and go out shopping ect she won't come with me and that's ok
i start hrt 2 years ago can't go full time work as you may know males give payed more not fair
we have a great relationship more like girlfriends now hrt has it's afects on my sex drive and preforments so she has just met someone and started dating
i'm very happy she is very happy and by all accounts so is her boyfriend
susan

[Dixie]

I do not want SRS it is too permanent. We did discuss it but we both know that it is not what we want. Tu answer your question I think we would stay together (my wife is Bi) but it would have to be an open relationship, cuz every once and awhile a girl needs something that a man has to offer.

[Angie G]

I'm not even going to ask but I think it would be a no deal hun :hugs:
Angie

[Kelly,R]

ME and my SO discussed it once,kinda joking around and I grabbed my crotch and asked her "do love me here" then I put my hand over her heart and asked "or do you love me here" she was silent for a minute and told me she loved me for the man I am, not the woman I may want to be.But for me SRS is really out of the ?.:2c:

[GACountrygal]

Louise,
I may be a lightwight but hormones and SRS are my dealbreakers ......... just got no staying power I guess:sad:

+1 for me too

[mylitta]

I'd have to cross that bridge when I came to it. One thing I have learned in my life is never to say never. After all 6 months ago I would have said there is no way I would be in relationship with a CD. You never know what life is going to throw at you, and until it happens, I can't say for sure how I would deal with it.

[Paula Thomas]

Louise - I would not ask, nor expect, my wife to accept me that "unconditionally".

However, since I would not undergo SRS anyway (my wife and I have too much "fun" with what is "south of the border"), perhaps that acts as a bias to my response.

I would, however, love to have breast augmentation (up to a C cup), and possible other facial surgery (primarily to make my lips more "GG"), and hope that she would stay with me (I have mentioned the breast augmentation before to my wife, and she did not rule it out).

Frankly, my wife's greatest fear is that I would leave her (fat chance, I have it too easy), so I believe she would accept the breast augmentation and possibly the facial surgery.

Note - she would like to have breast REDUCTION surgery (from a 34 DD to probably a 34 C), due to back problems probably related to size, so I believe that she would be as accepting to my augmentation as I am accepting of her desire for reduction.

[Di]

It wouldn't make any difference to me I would stay support, help Nigella and love her just as much as I do now.

Great way to put it Sandra....I feel the same way about Sherlyn...I'm in love with the person....and for me I want her to be at peace with her/him self...where ever the journey takes us...we are in it together.

[lindsaycd75]

I would not consider srs for me, even if I lived full time, which I don't plan on. Having said that I don't think my wife would stay if i did, she doesn't like the idea of permanent changes, We also still use those downstairs bits, so she would be rightfully upset if they went bye bye.

[sobe1ove GG]

My answer is no, and he knows this. I love him as the man he is, not the woman. I am straight. I don't want to marry a woman.

But that's just me!

Sobe

[Sharon]

So what those of you who are saying that SRS is a dealbreaker is that a penis is more important to you than love? Or is it the embarrassment you will feel being seen in a relationship with another woman?

[sobe1ove GG]

So what those of you who are saying that SRS is a dealbreaker is that a penis is more important to you than love? Or is it the embarrassment you will feel being seen in a relationship with another woman?

Neither. If he completely changed who he was, then he wouldn't be him, now would he? At least the him that I know. THAT'S why.

[EmmaB GG]

Ah, so the "penis" word pops up (as it were!!)

If the GG enjoys s*x with a man, then her SRS partner is asking that she totally compromise that part of her life.

Fair? Or not .... Or does she take a lover? It's fair to ask - I might !!

Going through SRS means that the man becomes a woman (in this forum, anyway). That means the GG is now in a relationship with a woman.

Does that not challenge the GG's sexuality? And does she not have the right to choose what she wants? If she wants to have a 'relationship' with a woman, fine. Her choice. But it's HER (the GG's) choice.

I think that time together and age comes into it a lot as well. Been together for many years & built a stable life together? I would be more likely to be closer to a "maybe" than if we'd only been together a short time and I still had my hopes & expectations e.g. children etc.

PS. A relationship with a man is much more than physical - I can't explain the connection & excitement that I feel, but it's definitely there and I can't deny that part of me. I'l bet a lot of GG's agree with me ....

[GACountrygal]

So what those of you who are saying that SRS is a dealbreaker is that a penis is more important to you than love? Or is it the embarrassment you will feel being seen in a relationship with another woman?

not embarrasment and not a *penis envy* thing.

I want a man. I married a man who likes to CD. NOT someone who wanted to become a woman. Not someone who dressed all the time. Its nice to have Nathan around.



PS. A relationship with a man is much more than physical - I can't explain the connection & excitement that I feel, but it's definitely there and I can't deny that part of me. I'l bet a lot of GG's agree with me ....

AMEN!!!!
I agree 100% :hugs: :thumbsup:

[Stacy GG]

I'd have to cross that bridge when I came to it. One thing I have learned in my life is never to say never. After all 6 months ago I would have said there is no way I would be in relationship with a CD. You never know what life is going to throw at you, and until it happens, I can't say for sure how I would deal with it.

I'd have to agree with you My litta, a while ago I said SRS was out of the question. But we've discussed it since and have decided after having kids it might be an option. Have not totally committed to it but I definatley have no problems with HRT, so going further might be okay..just gonna have to come to that bridge when we get there...seeing as right now I'm a broke college student :p .

[Sharon]

The reason I asked my question was not to be antagonistic, but was just an honest question.

I have wondered how my wife would have reacted if I decided to have SRS while she was alive, and I honestly don't know the answer, or even if I would have decided to do so. I know that I wasn't very manly when it came to our sexual relationship, but she never seemed to lose her feelings for me -- well, not for very long a period of time, anyway. Whether that would have been enough to save the marriage, it's only wishful thinking on my part, but my personality would not have changed, nor my feelings for her. Her telling me she would leave me would probably have left me to even more years of denying myself the truth about myself.

[EmmaB GG]

Sharon - we weren't being antagonistic to you - just vehemently honest, which is what some people onthis forum sometimes don't want to hear ...

I am sure that your wife would have accepted you in her own way, which I hope you feel some comfort from and am sure would have been perfect for you both. I hope you feel that too.

But, a GG's interpretation of "manly" is very broad - some GG girls like the rough and ready, others prefer the sensitive type, to put it bluntly.

But a male image of manly seems, to me, to be much narrower and more tending towards the 'rough & ready' - we're not that simple us GG's, I'm afraid!

Emsx

Anyway, my simplest point was - it challenges my sexuality, nothing to do with image.

[Vichi]

:hugs: I love my boyfriend so much. but I also love him for the man he is, and for how sensitive he is. the idea to have him as a full time female i feel i would have lost a great man that completeme as a women. We have spoke about that and according to him, he just enjoy felling beutifull and femenine and encourage that in him, and both of us enjoy it too.

[Carin's Wife GG]

I would stay. He/She is the same person. Changing gender does not change the person. And I have no problem with being married to a woman.



Louise.

[KimberlyS]

Louise, I think this is a great question and I love the variety of answers. I would think in order for us to full understand each persons/couples answer we would need more information about the couples relationship and we also need to understand that their answer is only for this current point in time.

Examples of more information about their relationship would be both of their views on commitment and the marriage vows. The type of partner that they need: Intellectual, very verbal, lots of time spent together, lots of alone time, length of their relationship, the quality of their relationship and many others. And a big one is how physically intimate they need to be, how they need to be intimate, and how flexible is their needs.

Then add time and change and answers can change greatly.

I look up to those spouses that feel and are staying with their TS spouse. Especial those that did not start out in the relationship knowing they had a TG/TS partner. They have a great love and a flexible love that many do not have.

Answering a question like this is like answering many other what if types of questions. What would you do if your spouse was in a major accident causing some type of major physical change in them. The answers are only a guess based on how one currently feels. If it ever happened the result could be greatly different.

I have been blessed with a wonderful wife. But if I was TS she would have most likely been gone long ago.

[Kerry Owens]

I think its you are either able to be accept what would be for all terms a lesbian relationship...not everyone is lesbian.

For me, I don't think I could hand it if Lawren decided to go all the way to tg/ts/srs. It would break my heart, I love all of Lawren, but I'm not bi or a lesbian.

[Tamara Croft]

I have to agree with Sharon, if you are truely in love with your partner, then why would having SRS make any difference? If my Tam decided to go down that path, nothing between us would change.

[Dixie]

Tammera, nothing would change between you but something would be missing, not meant as a joke, it would be missing something besides the Physical missing "bits".

[kerrianna]

This would be the ultimate test of 'loving beyond the exterior' wouldn't it?

I don't think my SO would stay after I had SRS. I doubt I would be able to stay either, because in my case the procedure would mean that I wanted to live exclusively as a heterosexual woman.

I think I agree with Karen on this. I seriously doubt Carol would want to stick around while I got a BF.

But who knows...we've been through a lot already...maybe we could work something out.

Oh, just asked her - she says probably we would make it work, but as she says it's too complex for an easy answer. I think we would TRY to make it work. But I guess I might have to forget about the BF :heehee: ....

[Carin's Wife GG]

with probably as many answers as there are respondents. For me personally, being Bi certainly helps. But I also do believe that a certain point in a relationship gender ceases to be of importance. At least that is what has happened for Carin and I. Our investment in this connection is too deep and too long to not continue.

I have no idea if Carin will ever live full time en femme. She certainly isn't likely to have surgery given her age (sorry Carin sweetheart).

Thank you for all of your responses. And keep them comng.



Louise.

[Carin's Wife GG]

Neither. If he completely changed who he was, then he wouldn't be him, now would he? At least the him that I know. THAT'S why.

while the outward would be different the soul is genderless. JMO though!



Louise.

[Dixie]

Yes Lousie, the soul is genderless, I like that Thank you for your post. My wife is Bi also but she isn't comfortable with me going that far and quite frankly niether am I.

[Jammie Lyann]

It would be a deal breaker for my wife, she has already told me she would not be able to handle that choice.
Ivey

[TxKimberly]

both TGs and SOs/GGs.

How many of you see yourselves together if the TG person were to undergo an actual SRS?


Louise.

My wife of 20 years made that clear almost at the start. No surgery of any kind, no hormones, and absolutley no SRS. Heck at first it took me a year to talk her into letting me shave my arms and chest.
I'm OK with this though - I'm at a good place in my life that I will not risk. I love my family, I love my job - it tjus doesn't get any gooder than this!

Kim

[Carin's Wife GG]

My wife of 20 years made that clear almost at the start. No surgery of any kind, no hormones, and absolutley no SRS. Heck at first it took me a year to talk her into letting me shave my arms and chest.
I'm OK with this though - I'm at a good place in my life that I will not risk. I love my family, I love my job - it tjus doesn't get any gooder than this!

Kim

you do NOT look old enough to be married 20 years!!!


Louise.:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[Carin]

...
And a big one is how physically intimate they need to be, how they need to be intimate, and how flexible is their needs.

Then add time and change and answers can change greatly.

Answering a question like this is like answering many other what if types of questions. What would you do if your spouse was in a major accident causing some type of major physical change in them. The answers are only a guess based on how one currently feels. If it ever happened the result could be greatly different.

I have been blessed with a wonderful wife. But if I was TS she would have most likely been gone long ago.


Time and Change Kimberly. I so agree with you. There was a time for us when hormones or SRS were so out of the question. There was a time for me when physical intimacy was a necessary part for our 'connection' to work (possibly a compensation for unevolved self awareness, possibly not). Now all that seems to be much less of an issue. I believe that sexual satisfaction is more cerebral than genital and intimacy takes a new dimension, but it took a long time to get there.

As for me pesonally going the road of hormones and SRS, well I am way to busy and broke to even put any mental energy into that at the moment. Check back in a few years.

[TxKimberly]

you do NOT look old enough to be married 20 years!!!


Louise.:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

I KNEW I liked you Louise! I'm sure I'm far from alone in this, but these days I want to cry when I look in the mirror. I've never been what I considered an atractive man, but at 42 I've long since come to terms with that. I HAVE always thought I was a reasonably pretty girl. The bad news is that the skin is degrading, the wrinkles have struck, and I deplore what my age is doing to my face. Sounds pretty vain huh?

Kim

[kittypw GG]

So what those of you who are saying that SRS is a dealbreaker is that a penis is more important to you than love? Or is it the embarrassment you will feel being seen in a relationship with another woman?

The penis ranks right up there equal to love. It is what heterosexual love is all about. Without it all you have is friendship. It is a HUGE sacrifice to make for someone. To live without male/female sex would be too big of a sacrifice. I could remain in a loving friendship but it would not be sexually satifying and I would want to be free to seek the life that I was encoded for. One with a MAN as a partner. Yes it would be a deal breaker for me. I don't feel bad about it either, I'm just honest. Why should the transexual be the only one to seek out and become who they want to be? I have the same right to knowledge truth and happiness. Its boils down to way more than choosing love over a penis. :hugs: Kitty

[Marcie Sexton]

Survey says......................

My wife has also read this thread, and while not entirely sure, and seeing how where we live srs is probably out of the question, her answer is yes, as is mine...
SRS or no SRS, she would still consider me to be exactly who I am...ME...

For better or worse, richer or poorer, male or female...

[Raychel]

To live without male/female sex would be too big of a sacrifice. I could remain in a loving friendship but it would not be sexually satifying and I would want to be free to seek the life that I was encoded for.

I know what you are saying Kitty, And this reply is not meant to stir up any trouble. But I find myself sitting here thinking. What would be so differant if my wife were to get a penis bolted on. Since our last child her drive has been almost non existant. She would still be the same person I married, And the love is still there without the intimace. Sure it is not as strong, but it is still there. I will admit that there have been time that I would have loved to find someone that still wants those intimate moments. But for me at least true love still wins over those animalistic desires.
:2c:

[kimberly_f37]

Yes i have consider SRS and my wife knows how I feel about becoming a Female.. She ok with it because she knows I am going through the Hormones now.. Life has been better for the both of us over the last Year!!!
She looks at me at as a man Now Til I go through the SRS !!

Have A Great Day :hugs:

Kim

[Kristen Kelly]

The penis ranks right up there equal to love. It is what heterosexual love is all about. Without it all you have is friendship. It is a HUGE sacrifice to make for someone. To live without male/female sex would be too big of a sacrifice. I could remain in a loving friendship but it would not be sexually satifying and I would want to be free to seek the life that I was encoded for. One with a MAN as a partner. Yes it would be a deal breaker for me. I don't feel bad about it either, I'm just honest. Why should the transexual be the only one to seek out and become who they want to be? I have the same right to knowledge truth and happiness. Its boils down to way more than choosing love over a penis. :hugs: Kitty

As TS myself I am in total agreement with you, I do no see myself going down the road SRS, I concider myself non op TS. We are looking for who we are and the SOs we are with even if totally in love with us have wants and needs, and if their sexual preference is not bi why should we not accept otherwise. I have been very close friends with many GG's over the years and not from a sexual need. I enjoy the intimancy I have with my gf and she is not bi, and I would not think she would accept that. She has accepted me for who I am and still has some fears because of just how comfortable I am with this, and of what others might think, but her love for me prevales and if anything has brought us even closer, and my RESPECT for her even greater.:hugs: :love:

[Stephenie S]

Well, I have read all the posts here and I am surprised at the number of you who said they are sure they would stay together, no matter, after SRS.

In reality, the number of married couples who actually DO manage to stay together after SRS is extremely rare. This is a HUGE dealbreaker for almost all couples. It's all very easy for us to say that nothing would change if we were to become women, but in reality, asking a spouse to become, or at least appear to become, a lesbian in the eyes of her friends, her family, and all the world, is almost an impossible request.

Imagine this, here you are, destroying her husband (esentially killing the man she loved and married), and now she has to completely change her sexual orientation from heterosexual to homosexual. Homosexuals are born gay, it's not a choice, but you are asking her to choose to become a lesbian, if not in actual fact, at least to appear to everyone else as a lesbian. It's not an easy task.

There is no question but that some couples do manage to remain together. I personally have that as my own goal. But it's not an easy road and this question deserves more than the glib answer that love conquers all. Saying that if you really love each other, of course you will remain together, is, to judge by the history, extremely unrealistic.

JMHO
Stephenie

[Carin's Wife GG]

Not having SRS could also be the ultimate expression of love to a S.O.
The only difference is you are the one making the unselfish sacrafise.


and just as difficult for each partner.

SRS must surely be the most difficult place to find oneself while still in a longterm monogomous heterosexual relationship. For both sides. There does not seem to be a win/win for either one.

For myself personally, I have said before, gender is not what makes Carin carin. I know that sounds so strange. But this is how I really feel. I connect with this person on a level that goes beyond gender. why? I have no idea. I just know that I do.

We could get into all kinds of discussion about what is gender, what is true acceptance, how do we view one another beyond the exterior.....and I would be happy to participate. But those discussions might be beyond the scope of the original question.



Louise.

[Carin's Wife GG]

Well, I have read all the posts here and I am surprised at the number of you who said they are sure they would stay together, no matter, after SRS.

In reality, the number of married couples who actually DO manage to stay together after SRS is extremely rare. This is a HUGE dealbreaker for almost all couples. It's all very easy for us to say that nothing would change if we were to become women, but in reality, asking a spouse to become, or at least appear to become, a lesbian in the eyes of her friends, her family, and all the world, is almost an impossible request.

Imagine this, here you are, destroying her husband (esentially killing the man she loved and married), and now she has to completely change her sexual orientation from heterosexual to homosexual. Homosexuals are born gay, it's not a choice, but you are asking her to choose to become a lesbian, if not in actual fact, at least to appear to everyone else as a lesbian. It's not an easy task.

There is no question but that some couples do manage to remain together. I personally have that as my own goal. But it's not an easy road and this question deserves more than the glib answer that love conquers all. Saying that if you really love each other, of course you will remain together, is, to judge by the history, extremely unrealistic.

JMHO
Stephenie

I did think more folks would see it as the ultimate dealbreaker. Carin and I attended a TG convention a few weeks ago and the # of SOs was quite minimal. That told me that many TGs/CDers do NOT have support from their SOs (and this was confirmed as I listened to many participants talk about their experiences).



Louise.

[Shelly R]

I have to chime in here. I agree with Stephenie, having gone through this myself. It's not only an issue of SRS and the permanency involved, but the destruction caused during transitioning. When you start transition it's not so bad for the GG. It's when she finally realizes that you are no longer "her" man, but you want to be a woman, that issue causes her to think "If you become a woman, does that make me a lesbian?" Most do not like that idea. The big divide comes when during RLT, it is finally confirmed in her mind that this is a permanent thing, her man is lost, she did not marry a woman. I know few GG's that will put up with that, and only if they are special. Now down to SRS, the deal breaker, usually, if it isn't already over during transition. It's no wonder that GG's won't be involved. I overly simplified the issues, believe me there is many more that have to be dealt with.
When it comes down to it, you know that you are still the same person inside, that never changed. Are you still the same person she married? I don't think so, Not. You are a woman to her, something so far the otherside of what she married, it does not matter, even if you are still the same person inside. Most women don't handle transition well, if at all.
My marriage was over during transition, at the point of RLE, when I kept going right into RLT. Her realization that "her man" was gone for good, dead. She is still my friend, and supports my transitioning 100%. Just can't be married to a woman.
I am not suprised at the number of divorces this issue causes. Not only SRS issues but, CD, TV, TG, and TS issues as well.

[GACountrygal]

Ok, I'm gonna clarify my POV why it would be a deal breaker for me and possibly others.

Someone who wants to go through HRT/SRS is goin to change. To me it means they want to change what they are.

I married a rough n tough Southern Cowboy. If he were to decide to take the HRT/SRS route, it would COMPLETELY change who he is. He would become very feminine and soft. And it wouldnt be just when he is dressed. It would be a gradual thing till its 100% of the time. Thus COMPLETELY changing him.

He'd still have his views on things, but everything else would be different, and I didnt marry him because he was *feminine like*

So thats more of an explanation for me. Hope it helps.

Nic

[Dixie]

Some people prise the inner self above all, which is good. The thing to consider is when you change the outside soo much as in SRS, then the inner self is bound to change as well. They are two parts to a whole, so when one is altered, it affects the other. People who have an attraction to either sex are probably better equipped to deal with these changes than people who are hetro. I see this as the difference between the two main opinons here. Maybe it's just me (probably is) but this topic seems to be polarizing into two camps, lets not get too wrapped up that it becomes a division in our camp. Again it's probably just me over reacting.
:hugs: Dixie

[GACountrygal]

Very well stated Dixie, THAT was what I was tryin to say, but as soon as I went to type, it flew out the window lol :hugs:
Nic

[EmmaB GG]

Maybe some GG's are closer to being Bi than others - doesn't mean they are or even realise that this is a part of them, but it might mean that their minds are open to staying with a partner who goes through SRS as their own sexuality isn't totally 100% hetro, but there is a curiosity in them .... just a thought which hopefully makes sense. But this "bi" part of her, she might want to keep very private, which is her right, I guess.

And, to play this question the other way, would you as a man be open to being with another man physically? I realise that many of you have fantasies about being a female with a male, but what about the thought of you as male with male? Isn't that perhaps your version what we GG's are being asked to take on board? And I know some of you are bi anyway, so this perhaps isn't a question for you ...

[kittypw GG]

To SAY you would stay and to ACTUALLY do it are two different things. Yes I would love to say that I have the capacity to love someone totally and for better or for worse but haveing SRS, taking hormones and developing breasts does change who you are and it changes who I am in relation to you.

I will say it again, for heterosexual women, WITHOUT A PENIS YOU REALLY ONLY HAVE FRIENDSHIP. Sexually, all you have to offer is mutual masterbation and that is only slightly satisfying.

Most of us are heterosexual and when we got into our relationships with our partners we expected to be the women with all that intails. We expected our hubby's to be the men and quite frankly they expected us to be women, and what all that intails like having the children for example. We can even accept your fantasizing about being a girl and play dressup with you or go out with you Occasionally and part of that acceptance hinges on the fact that at the end of the day and for MOST of our life together you are the man. When you decide to take hormones and move toward transition and SRS, you are no longer what you pitched to us and the person we fell in love with. Phillosophically it is nice to say "you are the same person inside" but infact you are not.

It is not necessary to make partners feel bad or guilty for not being able to stay when your partner changes not only the rules but his whole being on you. Non trans people have every right to love and happiness. One of the big fullfilling factors is sexuality and sexual satisfaction. One can't just become gay, it really isn't a choice. Not being able to stay does not make one a bad person nor does it make you weak. It is what it is. :hugs: Kitty

[Michelia]

I still do not have my computer together so it is almost painful to post. But I could not skip this one.

I am absolutely floored with the many couples and GGs that would stay. This is truly admirable and shows how much love and commitment there is amongst many of us.

But I am not sure I agree with this undercurrent suggestion that somehow parting is any less noble or praiseworthy. Sometimes if you really love someone, you have to know when to let go. I would not expect my SO to go on.

She loves me as a man and as a girl. She loves me the way I am. She loves being a girl and romanced by her man.

We are all different and love and sex mean something slightly different to all of us.

I know it would be a dealbreaker for us. But then again, you don't know till it happens, to echo Stephenie "inversely".

Maybe sex is not so important to many. It is to my SO and I. We have a very active and fulfilling sex life in which I am male 50% of the time and the female 50% of the time. It works for both of us. I feel I have the most loving SO on the Planet and I just could not fault her for leaving if I underwent SRS. I also would not feel as if she loved me any less. The hardest thing in life you can do is leave someone you love very deeply, while acknowledging one cannot be happy together anymore.

And it is not just about sex, although I may be sounding this way. No, it is not just about the penis. A lot of emotional issues are also involved. We are both pretty complicated individuals.

I am free to do anything I want. I don't because of my own fears. Not because of my SO. But we have a clear understanding. No body modification. It took some negotiating to look into laser hair reduction even though my SO epilates and waxes and shaves me!

Michelia

[Sally24]

My wife agrees, SRS would be a deal breaker. Don't know where we would go from there if I needed it. I can understand that stance. But luckily, that's not me. We're pretty comfortable with where we've gotten to and I don't need much more. Would enjoy some upgrades like laser for the arms, etc...but we'll see with time and maybe more money. Right now we're both really happy.

And Kim, I've seen you up close and you look really good. We all, especially the engineer minded, seem to be hyper-critical of ourselves. It's just another thing we have to work on. Accepting ourselves as much as we want others to accept us.

[Carin's Wife GG]

To SAY you would stay and to ACTUALLY do it are two different things. Yes I would love to say that I have the capacity to love someone totally and for better or for worse but haveing SRS, taking hormones and developing breasts does change who you are and it changes who I am in relation to you.

I will say it again, for heterosexual women, WITHOUT A PENIS YOU REALLY ONLY HAVE FRIENDSHIP. Sexually, all you have to offer is mutual masterbation and that is only slightly satisfying.

Most of us are heterosexual and when we got into our relationships with our partners we expected to be the women with all that intails. We expected our hubby's to be the men and quite frankly they expected us to be women, and what all that intails like having the children for example. We can even accept your fantasizing about being a girl and play dressup with you or go out with you Occasionally and part of that acceptance hinges on the fact that at the end of the day and for MOST of our life together you are the man. When you decide to take hormones and move toward transition and SRS, you are no longer what you pitched to us and the person we fell in love with. Phillosophically it is nice to say "you are the same person inside" but infact you are not.

It is not necessary to make partners feel bad or guilty for not being able to stay when your partner changes not only the rules but his whole being on you. Non trans people have every right to love and happiness. One of the big fullfilling factors is sexuality and sexual satisfaction. One can't just become gay, it really isn't a choice. Not being able to stay does not make one a bad person nor does it make you weak. It is what it is. :hugs: Kitty

that one decison was better than the other. I was really interested in the differing opinions (which is what I got) and the discussion of those opinions. No judgement here,


Louise.

[TxKimberly]

Not having SRS could also be the ultimate expression of love to a S.O.
The only difference is you are the one making the unselfish sacrafise.

Spot on Vicky - just so!

Kim

[Gnome Queen Sam]

I enjoy my time with my SO dressed or not but deep down I still need the man he is inside and out. Would love him forever but to be truthful I would say no I would not stay:sad:.

[ToyGirl]

Im not sure people are entirely thinking about this correctly.

If someone was to meet me (now pre-op , or in the past before hrt) i really have not changed much at all , I would like to think i am STILL the same person only happier and content with life.

I admit some TS will put on a completly false shell to comply with society, and i feel bad for anyone that falls in love with someones representation of what a male/female should be. Everyone wants to be loved for there soul, not for there physical appearance or circumstancial actions.

My ex BF , was Bi and he would have 'preferred' i stayed pre-op, but it was more of a fetish thing with him. My current BF who is straight is totally supportive of SRS , but still loves me for who i am enough to be with me pre-op.

There are plastic and rubber objects designed to replace said missing parts , i really don't see what the big deal is with what genitals someone has.

[ToyGirl]

as a Cd'er I would have to agree with Kittypw on nearly everything she said. The penis (the USE of it) DOES make all the difference to many women. There is way more to all of this than just 'if you have the love, the penis is irrelevant'. This is just not true for many SO's, and as people we need to respect that, especially for the SO's who are already making great concessions for us and adjustments to us out of love for us, or out of compassion. We need to be less self-absorbed and less focused on our own dressing needs and always remember there are TWO people in the relationship; and if the relationship is what we want to keep going, then BOTH people's true needs must be met. Otherwise it is not a true relationship. Face it, everybody, to most SO's the RELATIONSHIP is WAY more important than our dressing. They tolerate our dressing BECAUSE they care about the relationship. Screw up the relationship and you are right back where you were before - a guy with a need to dress and no one to share it with. To put it bluntly, if you don't nurture the relationship, you are stepping on your own dick.

We have to be fair to our partners and we have to understand that their needs are just as important as ours, because they ARE. If our partner needs a working penis and we take that penis out of the equation, what does that say about our taking care of HER needs?

We need to be fair and remember what made our partners care about the dressing in the first place.

Just my opinion.

But as a CD you wouldnt be having SRS , so your SO might seem more important to you than someone who does not care about sexual function and who's only desire is to survive.

[AmberTG]

"What an interesting aside. Are you implying that post-op women are not women outside this forum?"

Kehleyr, I'm guessing the meaning that was being implied was that we are on a MTF forum, not an FTM forum.

It was my personal experience that sex, or more precisely, the lack of sex, was the deal-breaker for my ex, before I even started seriously considering transition. She needed much more than I could provide her with. It could be said that, when choosing to marry a younger woman, I chose poorly.
I also would think that the number of SO's who choose to stay during serious transition and after SRS is quite rare.

[SherylynJade]

My GG said I could have either one or the other. I could either get breasts or lose something, but not both. But right now, I'm just happy CDing as much as possible.

[LilSissyStevie]

I have no doubt that if I ever chose SRS (I wouldn't even consider it) my wife would support me all the way and would love me unconditionally. She just wouldn't want to be married to me anymore. We like to mix up the roles now and then, but once a certain line is crossed the deal would be off.

I don't have to wonder too hard how I would react if she came home one day and announced that she was on hormones and was growing a beard. Oh, and was scheduling an operation to remove her boobs and would soon be packing some heavy artillery. That might be fun for some Friday night, but not permanently. :eek: The deal would be off. I would still love and support her but I don't have to live with her to do that. I feel that way about my sisters now. I'm not saying that's the only right way to be. But, I'm sure that's how it would play out in my situation.

[faltenrock]

Interesting threat,

I think, the majority of members are CD and will stay CD.
I love the feeling and look of the clothes that I like. I'm still a man and enjoy being a man.

There would be no interest or wish for me to go such a path.

Doreen

[Sheri 4242]

. . . I also do believe that a certain point in a relationship gender ceases to be of importance. At least that is what has happened for Carin and I. Our investment in this connection is too deep and too long to not continue.

I absolutely agree on a personal level, however it seems to me that with some (many?) SO's, that at the end of the day there are times when they want/need "their man" (or, IOW, they need their man to be a man). I respect that as I likewise also respect those who can accept a transitioning partner. I see how transitioning would be a dealbreaker with some -- it is one thing to be a mtf heterosexual CD and another to be TS. It is a shame that often the investment you speak of erodes in the face of change.

[Kelsy]

Don't ya think that SRS is just the ultimate fantasy for most Cders? We all desire to experience all things female and I think most of us have thought about what it would be like to be female. It seems to me that Cding moves from one mile stone to another and I often wonder what is the next step? The desire is there at times to take it to the very limit. I agree that most relationships were begun as man and woman and the dynamics involved in a hetrosexual relationship are in place. these are the foundations of that relationship. to change into a woman changes the very foundations. Also
doesn't SRS raise a whole lot of other issues? What about sex? How does a post op TS experience sex? What happens to the drive to dress when testosterone is controlled etc. It is a wonder that the ggs will accept Crossdressing and all the difficulties that go with it. SRS presents problems time ten in my opinion:happy:

Jennifer

[Carin's Wife GG]

was started. Really, for me (and I speak only for myself) my husband is not just his penis. In fact that piece of his anatomy is a very small part of what makes him/her who s/he is. Just as my genetalia mean very little to who I am as a person. I have no desire to loose my breasts but having had a low grade breast cancer in the past the reality of such happeneing is not too far from the mark. I KNOW carin would love me anyway. My breasts do not define ME. Likewise if for whatever reason, either medical or with HRT carin was not able to utilize her penis for what it was intended for I would love her just the same.

I go back to the soul. It is genderless. it is spiritual. There is no physicality to the soul. IMO, it is the soul of the person one loves. And if the soul is genderless then what does it matter what the actual anatomy is? I guess I do not identify myself by gender or sexual orientation nor do I identify others that way either. I think this has worked rather well for our family, both for the parents and the young adults we have. The young adults in particular are very secure in who they are regardless of their gender or sexual orientation. They are also very accepting of those who might present as *different* from the so called norm. All in all a good outcome I think.


Louise.

[Sheila]

as My first post says


Louise,
I may be a lightwight but hormones and SRS are my dealbreakers ......... just got no staying power I guess:sad:

and I stand by that ........... in the first place I knew absolutely nothing about my partners cding in the beginning ......... and the more I go on and read and learn and listen, the more it appears that unless you agree to the full deal of whatever the cdr decides, then it seems you are deemed to be, unaccepting, controlling, vindictive, not truely in love with your partner:straightface:

I fell in love with a Man, am willing to explore the fem side of him with him, but it seems that a hetrosexual female gets little or no kudos for being honest about her dealbreakers ............. before anybody gets upset over my opinion it is just my0.02

[Carin's Wife GG]

each person deals with this issue in their own best way at any given point in time. I would never think that, because a wife or SO was unaccepting, they were that way because they are a *bad person*. Each of us gets to where we are going in our own way and in our own time. some of us reach different destinations. Some of us reach destinations we had never planned on getting to. Others get off the train and make a connection that gets them to their original planned destination.

I also have to add, to my own shame and in the midst of my own confusion, I WAS controlling and unaccepting. I did not show my partner unconditonal love during that time. I don't think that made or makes be a bad person, just a human being with all the given frailties a human being brings with them to this world.

And I am STILL trying to figure out where the heck *I* am going!


Louise.