New Member Looking for Help

[Donna506]

I recently posted in the New Members Forum and was advised to also post here. I hope to get help from many of you. Here is the post:

I have spent the past several days looking at various posts and responses. I feel a kindred spirit with many of you. I look forward to exchanging thoughts and questions with the group.

For starters, I am past 50 and married to a wonderful woman. We have three sons. I have been dealing rather poorly with the idea of being a CD for most of my life. She outed me several years ago and insisted on counseling. Since then I have restricted my CD to limited items of apparel. Only recently did I bring up the subject with her again. I relealized I was not ""cured" and indicated I wanted to do research on support groups. My eyes have been opened and I am beginning to realize that much of the guilt, secretiveness, and poor self image may be the result of misunderstanding what a CD is. This forum appears to have so many enlightened individuals who understand the pain and are willing to help heal.

My wife is not supportive at this point, although she has encouraged me to research the issue. Her main complaint is that I have deceived her for so long. She views any action I take to explore CD would be an affront and embarassement to her. I could use any help you may be able to offer.

Thanks.

[Holly]

Donna, there's an awful lot of information here that you will probably want to sift through. Ultimately, it will be up to you to determine that information which applies to you. Here's a couple of thoughts to get the process started...

Cross dressing is not immoral, a sin, a perversion, or any other negative aspect of living. It is a method used by hundreds of thousands of people to reach a clearer understanding of who they are. Gender, unlike sex, is not always easily defined. I consider myself transgendered. This realization did not come early in my life nor easy. Sites such as this were not available to me in my "formative" years.

Cross dressing is not a disease... therefore there is no cure needed. Some people find comfort in food, others in playing sports, still others in hobbies. We find comfort in dressing in apparel normally associated with the opposite sex... nothing more, nothing less. Cross dressing makes you no more or less a person who does not cross dress.

I wish you well in your journey of discovery. I'm sure you will find much help and assistance here. You'll find that there is a willingness to share experiences and lessons learned with one another. If you have specific questions, please ask them... we're here to help.

[leftyblueeyes]

Hi Donna,

I very much believe I identify with how you are probably feeling. I recently got divorced but it wasn't only about Cding though that was a part of it. You are very courageous to be considering the truth despite how difficult it is. You have lied to your wife, but you have also lied to yourself. There are no definitive answers as we each have our own path to follow, but these questions are important to you and so you can find a way.

The only direct advice I can give is counseling, counseling, counseling. You need a professional who understands transgender needs and can help you decide what it is you want. There will be other people in your life that come along that can help (like on this forum), as long as you are willing to be honest. But a professional is your greatest source of support.

I have young children (two boys in my case) and i have been where you are in many regards. I know there are ways for you to find balance and compromise in your marriage as long as you are willing to take your time and don't push your wife into understanding, agreeing, or complying. Do your best to understand her point of view just as much as your own.

I am crying for you right now because I feel the difficulty in where you are. It is a challenging road but one well worth the effort. There is creativity in our sexuality and the more you open to it the more you will find in yourself the answers. There is a program I am a part of that has been the number one piece of my healing and I hesitate to mention it because I am NOT advertising. It is a non-profit organization anyway so they won't financially benefit from your interest. It's called "More to Life" and they are at www.moretolife.org. I have taken several courses and will be taking the advanced course on sexuality this June in Alabama. It just so happens that at that class will be three others that I know, one who is a pre-op transexual and her girlfriend and the other is a boi (FtM) who has his PhD in transgender rights and is very supportive to me. The basic More to Life training weekend would be absolutely amazing for both you and your wife and I am sure this class would be too if you ever get the chance. A person has to take the basic training in order to take the advanced classes though. My former in-laws took the training, my friends have taken it, and my ex-wife took it. Despite all the difficulty surrounding the divorce, the stuff we learned has helped us all to stay connected and loving in the midst of all the other pain surrounding the divorce.

I guess I did have more advice ;-)

I wish you the best. Keep communicating with us.

Colette

[Sam-antha]

There is a big world and in it there are many parts and in this almost secretive one there is much to learn.
Point one ( I do not know why I am numbering my thoughts, perhaps it helps me) : In my mind and probably in yours as well, there is nothing wrong with dressing. The straightlaced world outside does not approve. Why is not really worth working out (?).
Point Two :A sin is a sin an a perversion is a twisting and dressing is neither. Feel good is a factor perhaps and since when has it been wrong to feel good in extra special clothes for extra special occassions ?
Three : Sex and gender ? In the beginning there is a sexual charge but it is a passing something and I doubt that it is like sex, familiarity and acceptance and etc. Certainly it just wears out and age has nothing to do with that.
Four : Counselling ? I myself feel that is for your wife, in terms of your crossdressing action. She needs help in her understanding. You do not need counselling. For what do you need it ? You are not mentally ill, you, like us enjoy being dressed and probably will also enjoy being out dressed, in normal circs.
Five there is the need to arrive, with her, at our initial and sometimes permanent need for deceit. It is normal however, a fear induced by society morals.
Is your wife computer friendly ? I do not know if it is an easy thing to introduce her here. Probably it is an important step.
I leave it as an open question for others to opinion upon. It is not for me to reply, since my wife is a complete computer illiterate. Also, like me, aged.
I wish you and her well and like others now here and who are yet to find the site, do tell us of her progress.
~Samm

[Janice Ashton]

I have sympathy with your thoughts and present feelings, many CD's TV's TG's whichever catagory you place yourself in have had similar feelings and angst regarding our feelings and loved ones. The subject is wide and ranging and each situation or relationship is different. There is no magic wand to cure all problems but you should take solace from the fact you are not alone and on this site, I no doubt. you will recieve some good advice and support if needed. I had many mixed feelings of guilt and worry regarding my own situation and it wasn't until I came to terms with what I do and what I am (came out) did I find my way forward. It may take you time and the road through all the confussion is not an easy one but it is the way forward and the benefits will come by staying truthful to yourself and your SO and hopefully you can reach a happy conclusion that both parties will accept and be comfortable with. Good luck and I hope it works out how you both want it too.
Louise

[Kerry Owens]

Donna, your wife can also join here, and after 10 posts join the GG(genetic girls) forum there we can and do help the SO's who are still needing help with understanding CD/TG issues in their relationships.
We all have been through similar stages in accepting the changes that finding out can bring; it does help knowing you're not alone and that there others who can share with her understanding and support.

[lynn27]

Donna, your wife can also join here, and after 10 posts join the GG(genetic girls) forum there we can and do help the SO's who are still needing help with understanding CD/TG issues in their relationships.
We all have been through similar stages in accepting the changes that finding out can bring; it does help knowing you're not alone and that there others who can share with her understanding and support. I agree, you need to have her become a member here on her own. I'd even let her know your screen name so she could read the things you might have trouble saying. It would be a step toward openness on your part AND She could do her own "research" and begin to understand this thing. She needs to understand the guilt and fear that causes some of us to conceal our second self from others. Her lack of support now is an indication of why you hid it from her back then...

[stormrider]

Donna, I know a lot of us can understand and identify with your plight. In looking back on my marriage, I can see all the similarities I faced. I was a child of the 50's and 60's in rural USA. Men who dressed in women's clothing didn't exist as far as I knew until I was in my late teens. Then they were perverts, scum of the earth, dregs of society, subject to ridicule, social isolation, or worse. When I dressed it was in secret and the fear of being caught didn't heighten the enjoyment or desire. It was truly terrifying. When I met and married there was no way I could tell the woman I loved that I was a transvestite(nobody used cd or crossdresser back then that I was aware of), much less utter "Gee Honey, I really love that sweater you have on, mind if I wear it tomorrow?". I hid what, at that time, was my "dirty little secret" out of a genuine fear of being an outcast of society. I would lie to anyone and everyone, even the love of my life, to avoid being caught. I hoped that someday I would change and never need to dress in women's clothes again. I purged my wardrobe so many times only to wind up wearing my wife's clothes, then purchasing more. After four children and over twenty years of a very rocky marriage we divorced. No we are not friends, and no my crossdressing wasn't the whole cause of it. But now I am me, not who someone else thinks I should be. Don't let yourself or your wife think that divorce is inevitable if you don't stop dressing. And I would counsel your wife that lying or beiing secretive about your dressing is by no means a disrespect for her or your marriage.
Donna, there is no pat answer for what you are going through. There is no cure potion, silver bullet, or magic wand. If you are anything like I was, the less you dress the more you stress, and stress will kill you girl. Children are a tough part of the equation and I am somewhat fortunate in that aspect. The only thing I can tell you is that you ARE NOT ALONE! Many of us have been there, done that, and have the short sleeved top. Don't try to go through this alone, go to counselling, support groups, whatever your wife is willing to try, but realize that you need support too. Take care and good luck I will be here to talk to you if you want. You can PM or email me if you so desire.

Michelle

[kittypw GG]

I My wife is not supportive at this point, although she has encouraged me to research the issue. Her main complaint is that I have deceived her for so long. She views any action I take to explore CD would be an affront and embarassement to her. I could use any help you may be able to offer.

Thanks.

The fact that she has encouraged you to research the issue does not indicated lack of support.

Acceptance for who you are and honesty about who you are with your partner is crucial to having a mutually satisfying relationship. When the CD has all of these bad feelings about himself he projects that onto the people he loves. It is human nature. When you are not happy inside it shows in more ways than you can even imagine.

I ask you to imagine hanging out with person who hates, is embarassed, ashamed of himself. Their body language SHOUTS his feelings inside. It is a struggle to have conversation and fun with such a person and quite frankly most give up and that person feels isolation and loneliness on top of the already bad feelings they have of themselves.

Now Imagine hanging out with a person full of love for themselves, full of self-confidence. Conversation flows and you find it easy to spend a whole day just being together.

When you accept and love yourself you hold your head high no matter what you are wearing and people find you interesting and want to be around you.
Stick around and figure out who you are and what CD'ing is to you. Find a balance in your life and be open and honest about what you discover to your partner. A lot of the so called "unacceptance" is just plain fear of who you are and what you want to become.

We would welcome your partner here as well. There are many great gg's who are willing to jump in and help were ever it is needed. Lots of life expirences to share and a perspective only a gg can give to another gg.
:hugs: :hugs: Kitty

[Lilith Moon]

There is wonderful wisdom in this thread...take heed of it.

I'm in a similar impasse and the stress is slowly killing me. The tears started welling when I read Kitty's comment: "When you are not happy inside it shows in more ways than you can even imagine"...tears are never far away from me.

It seems that there are several alternative outcomes for those of us with unaccepting SOs.

1) We conform to societies edicts, and die inside. Or probably suffer an early death due to stress related illness.

2) We find a way for our SO to reach some compassionate understanding of our needs, even if they don't "get" it. This is entirely possible as shown by the wonderful ggs in here.

3) We separate, try to pick up the pieces and find fulfillment either alone or with a new partner. This is tough for those who have been together for many decades.

4) We practice deception, dress when our SO is not around, and hope that we are not found out. This cumulative deception is corrosive to any relationship but is the only option for many.

Of course, the above alternatives are not mutually exclusive, for example I would categorize myself as 1) with some 4) thrown in to try to keep sane. Notice that I haven't mentioned "cures" or eliminating the need to dress. It is not possible or even desirable...to remove the TG element from any of us crossdressers would be equivalent to surgical removal of part of our minds, we would be lesser people. Hope things go well for you.

[Angie G]

First off you must let her know you love her and no more lies,
#2 go slow do not rush her into talking of os seing you dressed if she is going to come around it will take time hun good luck Donna :hugs:
Angie

[Dixie Darling]

Hi Donna,

Since your wife has encouraged you do research the subject of crossdressing it might be possible that SHE would also be open to the idea of learning a little more about it. With this in mind, have a look at the material on my website. I think you might find some answers to your questions there and once you look it over you might want to have your wife look at it also. There is material there specifically for wives in addition to that for the CDs. It’s all clean so you, nor her, will find anything of an embarrassing nature. Just some ‘plain english’ information that may be of benefit to the both of you.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Daintre]

Hiya Donna, looks like you have gotten some great advice already, all I can say is that communication is most important and my dear your self worth is worthy of being happy and not at all being looked down on.
I read that your wife told you to explore, therefore she has shown you that it is not a forbidden subject, but one which has to be approached slow and with tact, oh yea, and honestly. Good luck, we are here for you...PM me anytime if you want to talk.

[Stephenie S]

Kitty, sometimes you just nail it, girl!

Steph

[TerriM]

Hi
Reading your letter made me think back 25yrs ago when I told my wife of 10yrs that I was a CD. I had to tell her 3x for her to believe me. Finally when it did sink in , she felt betrayed also. We had 3 children at that time, we have 5 now and 2 beautiful grandchildren. After telling her I went to a priest in my church. My wife was and is a very religous catholic. Im a catholic too, but im not in my wife's league, lol. The priest believe it or not was very understanding. He told me that my dressing wasn't a sin and that God loves me. He also said that my dressing is something between my wife and myself Over the years I have struggled with my fem side. I went to see a psychologist and she gave me a lot of insight into my childhood, which helped. But I still stuggled for years with my feelings. I joined a support group which literally saved my life. Meeting others like myself helped me. My key word in my life is BALANCE. My wife still wants nothing to do with my fem side. But I get out with my cd friends occasionally. My advice to you is go slow and also this part of you will always be there.

Yours Terri

[Mitch23]

spot on kitty - bad feelings about yourself will kill a relationship more surely than crossdressing itself - It did for me once and nearly did again. honesty, openness and balance is the only way forward even when there is pain. Its taken me nearly 50 years to find this out and im determined not to go back

mitch

[sherell]

I let my so no early in the relationship and she lets me dress and ocasionally joins in but its allways been difficult.
Been doing it for 30+ years its allways had ups and downs.
It depends how mutch you value your family life.

[Donna506]

Thanks Kitty for your excellent perspective. I hope some day my wife can discuss her feelings with you.

[Julie Avery]

If I could just address one little corner of this issue:

1. At this point, "deception" is no longer an issue. You are being perfectly honest.

2. At this stage of life, an honest self-understanding says, "I used to hope this would go away. I'm now quite sure it won't." To go back on that hard-won understanding would be self-deception and would probably lead to attempts to convince others of things that just aren't true.

So honesty is most certainly on your side. Whether or not honesty is what your partner values, or whether it's just a club they like to whack you with, remains to be seen.

I wish you the best!

[Donna506]

Thanks Julie for your observations. I believe I have embraced honesty to my wife. She just does not seem to like what she is hearing from me. She seems to want to limit my options and maybe make this feeling go away.

[kittypw GG]

Thanks Kitty for your excellent perspective. I hope some day my wife can discuss her feelings with you.

I would welcome a heartfelt intelligent conversation with anyone about this topic. It is one I feel passionately about. We can help eachother move forward in a life that is seemingly full of struggles. Hope she can get here, I truly do. :hugs: Kitty

[Donna506]

Thanks Kitty for your willingness to discuss with my wife. When I think she may be ready, I will tell her of your generous offer.

[Dixie]

Donna, I did not want you thinking I was a snob for not posting, it's just that I do not know how I can advise you. I am one of those fortunate ones who have always had the support of my wife, even before we were married.