My LOOOONNGGG life story

[TxKimberly]

STOP! Go get a cup of coffee or a drink. This is long. REAL long. You have been warned!

So Carin started a thread called "Gender Undefined" in which she gave us a glimpse of her life. A LOT of it sounded more than familiar so I thought I'd start a thread like it and ask everyone to share as much of THEIR lives as they are willing. If you get bored easily, now is the time to move to the next thread. Run. No, don't stop and think about, run!

My story started in an itty bitty town called Apple Valley in Southern California. My father was my mothers second marriage. Her first ended badly and left her with my older brother and sister. My mother has been disabled most of her life with spina bifida and had been some where in the middle of 18 major operations when I was born. A doctor once told her at the age of 16 that she would never again walk with out crutches - she threw them in his trash can and walked out, and kept walking for the next 30 years.
My family was shocked when I was born - I was supposed to be a girl! It's not that they THOUGHT I was a girl, they were SURE.
Well, somewhere in the middle of all of these major operations on my mother (most of which I was too young to remember) my father found out that alcohol numbed the fear that his wife wasn't going to make it through one. He apparently needed a lot of numbing because he drank like a fish. To this day I can't stand to see the old yellow Coors cans - they literally make me sick to my stomach. Eventually this marriage too ended, to be followed by several more, ultimately teaching me at a young age that men are unreliable, come and go, and can not be depended on. (Yes, I'm well aware now that this is not true of all, but I didn't know it way back then).
A few snap shots:
Snap shot. A short period living with my Dad and his new family when I was around 4 or 5 because my mother was in the hospital. He had two daughters in this marriage and two sons that were from a marriage before my mother. I can remember feeling so sad and crying because it was so unfair that they got to wear the pretty dresses, and ribbons, and I got worn out hand me downs from my half brothers. I tried to spend my time playing with the girls, and of course my father didn't care for this and kept shoving me at the boys. Not comfortable with the boys, and not one of the girls . . . pretty much don't fit in any where. Regardless of the reasons my father STARTED drinking, he is at this point a full fledged alcoholic and life sucks. Eventually my mother is out of the hospital and recovered enough to try and get me back. I remember my father sitting me down and explaining that my mother wanted me, and it was up to me where I wanted to live. I was five or six at this point and hardly remembered my mother, but I just KNEW it couldn't be as bad as the life I was living - I chose my mother.
Now I am living with my mother and the two children she had from a marriage previous to my father (yes, I know there are a lot of marriages going on here. We're talking red necks here - keep up!) This is my older Brother and Sister that I eventually grew up with. A few catches here - they are all living with my grandmother and my brother and sister have been with them all along. Up to this point we have gown up apart and I am the outsider. Mind you, my brother and sister were in no way responsible for my feeling like an outsider - this was my own head trip because they grew up together and had the same father. They were, and are, wonderful parts of my life, and in every way the best sister and brother you could ask for.

Snap Shot. My mother is in and out of the hospital, in and out of marriages, and we are all in and out of my grand mothers home where we always seem to wind up when things go to hell. Funny thing that children can pick up on stuff you don't think they know about. I always knew my grandmother didn't like me. This was later confirmed by my mother a couple of years ago when she explained that she threw my grandmother out of our house when she looked at me and said "I can't stand that little *******". Seems my grandmother hated my father and that carried over to me by proxy. So my mother has now been married and divorced four times with a number of boy friends scattered here and there (She was an attractive woman). My grandmother obviously has a low opinion of my mother and of men. The whole time I am growing up around her, all I hear over and over is "no G.D. good for nothing men", "Men are no G.D. good", "If either of you boys EVER hurts a girl I'll kill you". You know it took me years to learn that "hurt" in this context meant "get her pregnant".
My sister, playfully teasing and with not a bit of malice, telling me "You were supposed to be a girl", "How come you got the pretty eye lashes", "Your the only boy I've ever seen with a waist", "you would have been such a pretty girl". One day at around 6 years old I think, I get home from school and have the house to myself for an hour or so. I find a bag of clothes someone has given my mother for hand me downs for us, and in it I find a number of dresses just my size. This is the early 70's and I know my mother has a number of wigs in her closet. I remember my heart pounding so hard I thought my chest would explode, but I just had to know, what WOULD I have looked like if I HAD been born a girl??!! Off I went, running through the house with the hand me down dress to my mothers room, where I threw the dress on, and VERY carefully got one of mothers wigs down and tried it on. Of course the wig didn't fit right, but I was stunned when I looked in the mirror! That pretty girl was me! Plain, ugly, yucky, no G.D. good for nothing Matthew was really a pretty girl! I'm sure it wasn't as clear as I seem to recall, but all of a sudden I knew what was wrong with me, and had ALWAYS been wrong with me - I was supposed to be a girl! I spend the next few years sneaking every chance I can get to wear dresses, coming SOOO close to being caught SOOO many times that I start to develop a bit of a nervous condition. Every time I know I'm going to be alone in the house and have the chance to "be pretty", I get sick to my stomach and end up sneaking to the bathroom and getting sick. For those of you that are in your 20's you may not understand the depth of the fear we would have had at that age and back then at being discovered. There was no internet, we were alone, and the only other men in the world we knew of that liked to wear dresses were perverts and weirdos. Certainly not normal kids like me. LOL

Snap Shot. Latest divorce has left my mother with far too little income to stay in the house we have been living in for years so she moves us 80 miles away. Now we live 20 miles outside another small town called Yucca Valley. I didn't have many friends when we left, and now I had none at all. Not easy to make friends when you live 20 miles away from everything, have nothing in common in with the boys, and the girls have no idea you think your supposed to be one of them! Get this - we have moved into a one room cabin with no bathroom, and no bathtub. We bathed by heating water in a microwave and on the wood burning stove, putting the water in a great big tub in the back yard. (I swear this is the truth, I'm not making it up). My mother had to just about force me kicking and screaming to take a bath this way. I don't care if the nearest neighbor is two miles away, I am NOT going to bath naked in the back yard!

Snap Shot. My mother buys a small travel trailer that becomes the bed room for my brother and I. Good news - it has a shower. My brother moves out when he was around 17 and it is MY bedroom. I am ashamed to admit it, but I started swiping odds and ends until I had a complete outfit hidden under one of the bunks in the trailer. Come home from school one day to find my aunt and uncle have come to visit. My uncle wanted a shower and so had gone to light the hot water heater - you know, the one that is under the bunk . . . along with my out fit. It is now scattered across the dining room table with my mother, aunt, and uncle all looking at me and asking what I knew of it. I went with the tried and proven - I played stupid. "Damned if I know, I haven't got a clue!"
Would you believe they bought it?! Every one started joking that my brother must have been doing the dirty with some girl when mom drove up, and every one had this delightful picture of this young lady running across the desert naked. We all laughed for a while, then I went into the trailer (my room) and threw up. I could never believe that they bought this and so I asked my mother about this a few years ago - she confirmed that they really did NOT suspect I was cross dressing! It's funny how far people will go to delude themselves when they don't WANT to see something.

Snap Shot. Open campus at high school for lunch. I'm walking down the street and see a number of pretty girls walking up the street towards me. Suddenly I feel so embarrassed that I am such a freak and I just couldn't bear the thought that they would see me or talk to me. I actually crossed 4 lanes of traffic to avoid them. I spend the rest of my teenage years intensely shy and nervous around girls. I thought girls were proud, beautiful, decent and I was so ashamed that I wasn't one.

Snap Shot. 17 and hating my life when a recruiter comes to school. Suddenly I realize this may be an option! Maybe they can make me normal. Maybe this will get me out of the desert. They will take me after I complete 11th grade IF I will promise to get a GED. I go to the MEP station with three other boys where they give you all the tests that they use to decide what jobs you qualify for. After the tests, we are all in the recruiters car. He looks at the other guys "I'm Sorry, but your scores were not high enough, we can't take you. You can do some studying and try again - I'm sure we can help you pass next time". Then he looks at me and shakes his head "Yours were the highest scores I've seen - you can take your pick of jobs". Imagine that - when you live as far out in the sticks as I did, the only past time was reading and I read a LOT!
I plead with my mother but she will not sign the paper work until I explain that even if she doesn't, I WILL go the day I turn 18 regardless of my situation at high school. She argues but eventually signs and I am on a bus the day after I turn 18 and two days before I should have started my senior year.

Snap Shot. Made it through basic and am now a soldier. I now have friends, you just can't avoid that going through basic and advanced training, and I am now up to my neck in macho and guy related stuff for the first time in my life. Also for the first time in my life, I am trying REALLY hard to fit in with the guys. Despite my knowing better, despite the example of my father, I am now hanging out with the guys, going to strip clubs, and drinking like a fish. The guys find out I am a virgin and have a field day with it. In this day and age, outside an Army post, there is no shortage of girls that are willing to solve the whole "virgin" problem - for a price. I probably shouldn't share this, but the guys attempt to "help me out" twice, and both times I am unable to do what comes naturally. There is no compassion, no romance, no tenderness, just "go ahead and take your clothes off and get in the bed". Add to this that I keep hearing my grandmother saying "If you ever hurt a girl . . ". I was SOO messed up in the head over this for years! Bad news, I tired to solve it the same way my father did - with alcohol.
I'm hiding stuff inside the molding of my car and renting hotel rooms every so often so that I can dress. This is dangerous as I have a top secret clearance and work on nuclear weapons so cars are inspected often, though I'd never heard of them removing molding. Can't hide stuff in the barracks room because this is the Army and rooms are inspected OFTEN for appearance and drugs.

Snap Shot. Been in the army for over three years now and have serious drinking problem. All off hours are spent getting trashed. The guys look at me with a mixture of awe and pity - I can easily drink most of them under the table, but some have seen me make a complete A$$ out of myself. I am now just short of suicidal. Hate life, wish it would end, but not quite ready to actively participate in its closure. I'm up in my room, falling down drunk, playing guitar when in walks Jerry - one of my friends. "You HAVE to see the girl downstairs who is on CQ". CQ is Charge of Quarters - the one responsible for making sure every one behaves in the barracks at night. It's a duty we all share and take turns at. So I grab my guitar and head down the steps, and here is this cute little blonde girl who is sitting there writing something. Jerry knows her and introduces us. It turns out she is writing poetry! She shares some of her poetry, and I sing her some of my songs. Cut to the chase, we wind up dating for several months. We get closer, things get intimate, and I am no longer a virgin! WEEEEE. I spend every moment i can with her and suddenly have no desire to drink. Then BAM! She comes down on orders for Europe and she is going to have to leave. I sat on the floor looking at her, and all I could think of was "oh my God, she's going to leave! She can't leave! I finally feel like a human being because of her - I CAN'T LIVE WITH OUT HER!" This is screaming inside my head and I look up at her and blurt "Will you please marry me?" No fore thought. No planning. No ring. No Romance. No getting on one knee after having delighted her with a romantic meal. Just tears in my eyse and "Will you please marry me?" blurted out from the floor of a inexpensive hotel. Would you believe she said yes and that was 20 years ago?

(Almost done - hang in there!)

Snap shot. We're married, and the Army has agreed to keep us together, so now we are BOTH on the way to Europe. Decide to take a train from Ft Lewis WA where we are currently stationed, down to Southern California to meet my family, and then on to Louisiana where HER folks are living. Don't know if you have ever taken a long trip on a passenger train, but it is intimate for a long time. My guilt is killing me, I shouldn't hide this from her. I swore to share it all with her and I'm hiding this. I swore to trust her with my soul and I'm hiding this from her. My legs are shaking so hard under the table that I can barley talk, but I managed to tell her. She wanted to know if I was gay and if I wanted an operation. I was almost in tears as I told her no and no. She took my hands across the table and told me it wasn't a problem! For the first time in my life I have someone I can talk to about it and I proceed to drive her absolutely nuts for about the next year by talking about just about nothing else. When we meet my family, for the first time in my life I feel like a real person, a complete person, and my family is surprised and even shocked - imagine that - Matt has a sense of humor. It goes with out saying that they adore my wife. My sister: "Matthew, she's NORMAL! I thought you would bring home some girlie girl prissy thing". I'm not sure they know she has literally saved my life

Snap Shot. We had a son in Germany. My wife completes her obligation and gets out. The army does away with my career and sends us to the states for retraining. Eventually I end up in Korea where I can't take them for a year! We can't stand being alone so I get out of the Army. Settled in Austin where I was fortunate to get a job with a company based on the experience I had in the military - measurement and calibrations. Found the internet and found others like me! Made good friends with a few and eventually my wife and I met two of them at a local club. My first time outside the house dressed and it was SOO cool!
My wife went out with me quite a few times, but eventually decided she wasn't interested. It's OK if I go out, but she doesn't care to be part of it. Any of you that are part of the community know that you have some people you are proud to say belong to your little group, and there are some . . .
Well, let's just say my wife doesn't want to hang with me anymore! lol

Snap Shot. After about 6 years with my company I move to Field Service where I start traveling the country, and sometimes the world! After another 4 or 5 years (About 8 or 9 months ago) it occurs to me that I should start taking advantage of the free hotels, and being so far from home, and start having fun! If your reading this on crossdressers.com, you know the rest of the story!

So this was a HUGE post, hope you wont hate me for boring hell out of you!There is SOO much more to the story, but I think it's just about long enough!
Please, please, please someone else add your story so I don't feel like an idiot!

Kim

[Carin's Wife GG]

for sharing so much intimate parts of your life. THAT is what I call courage. Love to you Kim!


Louise.:love: :love: :love: :love: :love:

[Karren H]

Wow!! Great story..... and the parallels.... I was supposed to be a girl, my mother always told me that.... Mom and Dad were divorced.... My grandmother hated my Dad and me because I was sooo much like him.. Later on we called it the Hutton curse since we figured out not only did my grandmother hate men, so did my Mom, and my sister (3 marriages) and btw me too!! lol

Thanks for sharing that, Kim... And you have no reason to feel likd an idiot... lol Your too sweet!!

Love Karren

[lindsaycd75]

I dont think it was boring at all. Its scary how many similarity's there are between the two of us in how we grew up. I think that based on how hard it will be for me to write one of these then it must have hurt a lot to do the first part of this on. Thank you for this brave step, I bet it well help others.

[kerrianna]

Kim,

That was a fascinating, well told story - not boring at all. Sure has been a tricky ride for you - I'm glad you have come so far. :hugs:

I think you captured the guilt, shame, fear and confusion, not to mention the isolation, most of us felt back in them olden days.

Actually I would have to say that it wasn't until I found this site that all that went away for me. When I first began looking for other CDers on the 'net it was always more sexual secretive sites that I found, and that just fed into the guilty feelings. I actually found this site from a link on a less savoury site that I didn't feel like joining, and I knew there was something different here right away. It has opened up a new world for me.

Thank you for sharing your story.

There is a Sticky thread on the Writer's Forum where I posted my story when I first joined:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=10555&page=2

I've changed quite a bit since then, but haven't updated the story there other than some minor changes) because my journey since then has been alongside my friends here and you can see how I have changed.
:hugs: :happy:

[Kelsy]

Hi Kim,

That was a facinating read. The are not many family similarities that I can relate to but the way you describe how you felt, feelings that I remember in my formative years. The desire to be a girl - somehow you know it is right!:D
adolescent awkwardness with girls and the sneaking and collecting a "wardrobe" with the fear someone will discover you. Just feeling out of place you know:happy: Your story has a great ending.

Now look at you girl:heehee: Thanks Kim

Hugs Jennifer

[Sharon]

I found your post extremely interesting, Kimberly, so thank you for sharing your story with us. :happy:

Your life and mine don't share many similarities, but the ones we do share -- knowing that we were born of the wrong gender being the most significant -- make for a compelling and sympathetic reading. And I admire the way you have accepted yourself and have lived a successful life.

[Eva Diva]

Great Googly-Moogly, that's quite a story! :D

I wouldn't say mine was a Leave It To Beaver childhood, but it was certainly uneventful compared to that. My parents were together until my dad died, and they were devoted to each other in a quiet way. They were Depression era children, and both lost their fathers to drink, so they learned to make their own stability. I was a typical boy for the most part, and led a pretty normal life. At the same time, my older brother was gay, and I'm sure he saw our home life as very different than I did. He clashed with our dad, had few friends, and was kind of a quiet school geek until he got into college and came out as gay to friends. It wasn't until he was finishing college that he and I really started getting on.

Just goes to show - same house, very different experience. I'm sure his was far less happy than mine, although it was a perfectly stable home.




Sorry for the lack of crossdressing - there was none until recently. I guess you could say I'm a convert, not a native. :D

[5inchHeels]

Kim, thank you for sharing, it’s so helpful for us all to hear the stories about learning to accept ourselves.

I was raised by conservative parents who were unnecessarily strict and occasionally verbally and physically abusive. I don’t think that their negative and positive influences on my life has influenced my desires to dress, but wanted to add it as background. Additionally, I now have a great relationship with both parents.

I raided my mother's closet when I was about 11 years old. I continued to steal her clothes and dress until my junior year in high school, at which point guilt and fear took over. I swore I would stop dressing, and I did, however I just sexualized my desires and fulfilled my needs vicariously through the internet. Amazingly, I managed to lead a fairly normal life during this time. I had girlfriends who I was sexual with and great friends. Outside of the occasional odd looks I received from girlfriends when I “jokingly” pranced around in their clothes, no one suspected a thing. I thought it would all go away.

I went off college as an athlete and thought that I would leave behind the fantasies and dressing. I told myself I could beat this demon. Three weeks into the first semester I’m right back where I started and fulfilling my fantasies through the internet. Fearing a backlash from teammates and friends I never let on that I have cross-dressing desires. During this time the pressure of repressing my feelings began to have a negative affect on my life. I developed social anxiety, and despite a disastrous internship experience, I managed to make it through college unscathed though no more self aware.

The summer after graduation (22 yrs old) I can no longer hold in my feelings and stupidly tell an ex-girlfriend. She doesn’t understand, but I wear her panties on one occasion and she puts makeup on me during another. This gets the ball rolling, but I’m still confused and don’t know how to place my feelings.

I start working worried that my anxiety will come out at an in opportune time. It does, more than once, but the consequences are negligible and I move on. During this time I buy my first articles of clothing and throw them away a few weeks later. I start realizing that this desire might not go away (23 years old). I haven’t decided what to do, but I have acknowledged that dressing is going to be part of my life.

A year and half ago I meet a wonderful girl and, after quite a few drinks, let her know that I’m different than other guys she may have dated. I crossdress. She says she doesn’t care and we live happily ever after…. I wish. She’d been abused as a child and abandoned by her father. She is open minded but desperately seeking a MAN in her life. I can play the manly role but am desperately seeking a release for my fem side. We take small steps. I learn about the disorders her traumatic childhood has caused and she learns about my need to dress. We read books together, learn to talk openly, seek outside help, and grow together. There are numerous times when our relationship almost cracks. There are more than a few nights spent in tears and confusion. We question if we’re making the right decision (and still do).

That leads me to now. I’m 24 and with the help of some medication, a loving partner, a lot of learning, and the feeling that I can express my fem self when I need to my anxiety has tapered off. I’ve purchased a couple of wigs, sleep in fem on the occasion, and had my girlfriend help me with makeup on one occasion. I feel more comfortable with myself than I ever have before and she feels more comfortable with herself.

This website is a great resource. I’ve learned a lot in the short amount of time I’ve been reading it. I hope that others share their stories for the benefit of themselves and everyone here.

[uknowhoo]

Hiya Kim, and thanx for the post. No need to apologize for length, you warned us. Those of us who read it all did so because we wanted to know. Sorry, I just don't have the time and inclinbation to write out my whole story right now. I can certainly say it wouldn't be nearly as interesting anyway. That said, I expect it would be a valuable exercise for anyone who might take it on. Thanx again. xoxo Tammi

[Glenda]

You are a wonderful writer. And your life??? Wow. I grew up in an entirely different life here in Texas. Farm and ranch. My parents are still married. Happy home and loads of love. I was the only one of my family that moved from the Panhandle. I fit into that life so well but I knew I didn't really fit. I left after high school. My journey has been long and (mostly) rewarding.

After all you have been through, it is so wonderful that you seem to have found a happy life. Bless you Kimberly and welcome to Texas.

[susie evans]

thanks for shareing a tough story and i'am glad you are doing great :hugs:

susie

[Nicole]

Wow Kim! That is one rollercoaster of a story if I have ever heard one. I love the part about you and your wife meeting and getting married... so sweet! Looks like it all turned out for the best. All is well that ends well! :hugs:

[ShortSkirt]

"you would have been such a pretty girl"

Indeed you are, and proof that it's not just on the surface. ;)

Well done.


Michelle.

[Dixie]

Great story. I am not to inclined at the moment to share my story, there are some things that hurt me to contemplate or share, but I do gain courage from reading yours and have some ideas floating around my head that my turn into a minibio at a later date.

[Phyliss]

Two wonderful stories both of which tell of the feelings of, confusion, fear of exposure, and desire to dress. While my "life story" may not be the same, I can relate to those 3 emotions. Bringing them back up to the surface again, I fibd it difficult to see the keyboard through misty eyes. Glad I'm not wearing my mascara right now, it'd be streaking.

Thank you so much for opening up your life and sharing with us.

[Kate Simmons]

Actually, I had to have two coffees Kim. You had me crying a couple of times there both out of sadness and joy. Thank you for sharing that with us. I know life can be trying at times and I've had my share along with everyone else. I'm glad that things eventually worked out and it seems you are pretty happy now. I think it's nice that you recently met Sally and her friends. Nice when you get to meet people in person. I always enjoy reading about your outings and adventures and it's great to see you can take joy in expressing being yourself. You and Karren seem to have the perfect jobs for being our kind of people. I look forward to reading your future experiences as well. Life is anything but boring, right?:happy: Sal

[Tammy_j]

I can remember feeling so sad and crying because it was so unfair that they got to wear the pretty dresses, and ribbons, and I got worn out hand me downs from my half brothers. I tried to spend my time playing with the girls, and of course my father didn't care for this and kept shoving me at the boys. Not comfortable with the boys, and not one of the girls . . . pretty much don't fit in any where.

Kim

Hi Kim, I really liked your story and know just how you feel. i went to a macho
phase years ago and i hated it. i was diagnosed with schizophrenia about 20 yrs ago and given anti-psychotic medication when I told a counselor i wanted to be a girl. drank way too much alcohol. now i accept myself and feel happy and comfortable with who i am. stopped drinking. i do like a good smoke though ;-)

Tammy

[Jennifer_G]

Hi Kim

Yes very looooooooooooong but very very interesting.
You have had a real eventful life.
I don't have a story that even gets within 1% of yours.

I always love read your posts you always write something worth reading.

You are one beautiful girl; I look forward to reading more.

Hugs
Jennifer

[Talon DeRojo]

TXKimberly - Your post was long, but worth every minute that I spent reading it. Thank you for sharing so many intimate details of your life and CDing. Glad to have you as part of our little online family.
Talon:happy:

[Dixie]

Right on Vicky! I would love to see some of your work sometime, I am teaching my self how to pinstripe and having a blast with it.

[SherriePall]

Thanks, Kim, for sharing your life with us. I'm glad all is well now.

[Minerva Morgan]

Kimberly, it seems to me that you are becoming the man your father never was and the daughter your mother may have wanted. Both are major accomplishments.
I was wondering how many very young CD's read these posts. I hope they do as most sites on crossdressing, or related topics, tend to skirt (pun intended) around the sexual aspects; or to be variations of 'look at me'. Here, a young person going through the fears, sorrows and perplexities might find hope and enlightenment. Your expositrion suggests to me that you have finally reached the point in your life where you can stop mulling over the past and look to the future; with hope.

Love,

Minerva

[MsEva]

Kimberly, thank you for sharing your story. I too was supposed to be a girl..actually we four boys were each supposed to be a girl but alas poor mom had to settle for three and a half boys and one half girl..hehe

We each go through so much in our lives, it is amazing that we make it to be adults. Kudos to you for your strenght, you are an inspiring person.

[Mitch23]

Thank you so much for sharing your testimony with us. i feel enormously priviliged that you feel that you can give of yourself amongst your friends in this group. Obviously i dont share the exact details of your life but there are enough parallels and similar themes, particulary a difficult upbringing and a sense of being isolated and 'different'. It says a lot about the human spirit that you can come through all these difficulties and eventually start to find out who you are. Kim its great to know you and to be one of your friends,

love

mitch

[TxKimberly]

I was feeling more than a little sheepish when I checked in here and am stunned at the response - thanks for listening folks. I swear I hadn't intended for it to be so long, or maybe even quite as personal as it turned out, but once I started putting it together it just kept coming. I think it turned out to be more about self therapy than a post and I thank you for allowing me to vent.

A few of you offered a glimpse into your lives as well - this is very much appreciated! The reason I like this forum so much is that it is NOT all about "What kind of panties do you like?" or "what are you wearing?"
I have nothing against that sort of discussion, I just like to hope and think that we are capable of so much more than that, and that being transgendered IS so much more than that.

As if I hadn't said enough when I launched this thread, I would like to clarify a couple of things. In re-reading it, I'm pretty sure I have managed to foul up what age I was at various younger points. Remember that this was when I was very young and any errors are just that - mistakes due to confused and disjointed memories, I'm not trying to pull the wool over anyone's eyes. Also, the mood I was in while writing this was such that getting all the ages right just didn't seem real high on the priority list. :-)
The other thing I would like to add is that some of your comments brought it to my attention that over all the post is somewhat bleak. This was not my intent, and I want you all to know that my life has turned out fabulously well and I can't imagine how things could have turned out any better!
My marriage is just short of 20 years now and we both still adore each other. We often joke that alone we are two broken people, and somehow together we make one functional human being.
The little boy I mentioned being born in Germany is now 18 years old and is about to graduate high school with good, if not stellar, grades. I'm so proud of him!
We also have a three year old daughter that is the light of my life. She completes something in me that I just can't explain. She is SO smart, and cute, and a beautiful person - I can't wait to see how she grows up.
Both of my children have and WILL grow up in a stable home and NEVER have doubts that they are adored above all else.
I have a job that I love, that pays well, and where I am respected as one of, if not THE, top field service engineers - it just can't get any better than that!
So if I left you depressed as hell, I am so sorry. Let me assure you that regardless of what ever I had to go through to get here, I have a great life and am very happy and grateful for everything about it.

Hugs,

Kim

[c_colliertv]

Hi Kim - I read your post several times, just finished reading your follow-up comments, and all I can say is that I am so very happy that your life really turned around. I have to say honestly, that there are very few parallels in my life to yours, but I know that feeling of wanting to be loved and cherished.

I started dressing when I was about 12 in my mother's clothes, and only really started to dress fully about five years ago. And, like you, my wife is the absolute light of my life. I love her more than anything, and she always makes everything wonderful for me and our family. I am now 64 and we have four kids and five grandkids - all of whom are the loves of our lives, and like you we have a great life.

The only down side for me is that I have never gotten up the courage to tell anyone about my dressing, and as much as I really enjoy a short skirt and strappy high heels, I could never hurt my wife or any of my family by telling them that dad/grampa is a CD.

The best part about your story to me is that you have resolved to love your children and nurture them in ways that you never were, and that is the greatest blessing you can give them - your unconditional love and respect.

BTW, you look really cute in your picture, and I hope that you can continue to be as girlie as you can under the circumstances.

Hugs,

Christie Ann

http://profiles.yahoo.com/c_colliertv

[Dragster]

Hi Kim,
Your story was fascinating, and not untypical of many I've read here over the years I've been a member.

When I first joined, I told my own story too, and felt a huge burden lifting off my shoulders as I typed the words onto the pages I wrote. Then I hovered over the "submit" button before plucking up courage to send it! If you're interested, here it is, and if you're confused, I had a different name then. If you really want to know, I'll tell you why I changed it.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=75263#post75263

Latterly, I wrote my story (In the third person, to lighten it) for my wife to read. She is disgusted by the whole CD subject, but I now know that this is an integral part of me, and if she rejects this, she is really rejecting a part of me. I felt the need to educate her to the point where she does not see it as a threat to her or our relationship, and that it is not disgusting, but a part of the rich variety of the human race, even if she never wants to take part in any way. I offered her a choice of endings for the story, or the oportunity to write her own, but five months after I gave it to her, she hasn't yet opened the envelope!!!

For what it's worth, here's the story, but I warn you, this one's long too.....

Once upon a time, there was a little boy we’ll call Tony, who lived in St Helens with his Mum, Dad and little brother. As a pre-teen, with the hormones of puberty beginning to invade his blood stream, he began to notice changes in girls of his own age, and his attitude to them began to change from “Yuk” to “Yum”. Of course, he was far too shy to ask any of them for a date, but he did notice that they began to wear clothes that were very attractive to him, and although he had no idea why, the thought of exchanging clothes with one of them got him very excited. He imagined the feel of his body in a satin dress, with the skirt swishing against his stockinged legs, and it was good.

Back home, he realised that his mother had some clothes in which he could experience this feeling, and one day, home alone, he plucked up the courage to try on a pair of her stockings, hooked up to one of her corsets. Although the corset was very tight, he managed to fasten all the hooks and eyes. He was not disappointed, and was so excited by the tightness of the corset and silky feel of the stockings, that he had his first orgasm, accidentally, into the corset. This activity he repeated many times and in different clothes in the following years, enjoyed it immensely, and in spite of rumours to the contrary, he did not notice himself going blind!

Of course, he kept this activity a closely guarded secret. Sex was not a subject to be mentioned in his family, masturbation was still generally referred to as “self abuse” and crossdressing was a subject that wasn’t even on the radar. Quite obviously, Tony thought he was on the slippery slope to eternal damnation……but only if he was ever found out! Naturally, he never dared mentioned it to anyone. He thought he was alone with these feelings, and no-one else would understand.

As time went on, he managed to overcome his shyness, and started talking to, dancing with, and eventually dating girls. This too was exciting, and although sexual intercourse was the Holy Grail to be aspired to, it was engrained in him that sex before marriage was “just not done”. To relieve the resultant sexual tension, he continued to masturbate from time to time, with crossdressing, or more often the fantasy of it, providing a significant increase in his level of excitement.

Eventually, he met his future wife, and after a year’s courtship, they risked hellfire and damnation, and lost their virginity together. He was 23 years old by then, almost a veteran before he’d even started, but, surprisingly for their generation, both of them have still, 40 years later, only ever had one sexual partner, each other, and that feels rather special to Tony! There followed two years of sexual bliss at weekends together, interspersed with weekdays at work at opposite ends of the country. The need to masturbate and the desire to crossdress reduced somewhat during this time, and because of the presumed stigma attached to it he did not mention it to his future wife. He thought she would find it so weird that she may run away, and he would lose the thing he wanted more than anything else in the world, to get married to her. Anyway, with “sex on tap” when living together, he thought/hoped that the need to crossdress and masturbate would melt away, and for the first few years, that’s exactly what happened.

Unfortunately, it didn’t last for ever. Two children came along, and not surprisingly, the effort of looking after them, and everything else, took its toll. There was not as much energy and enthusiasm for a full sex life, and it began to diminish gradually. Rather than make a fuss about it, Tony returned to occasional masturbation to bridge the gap between his libido and that of his wife, and he re-discovered the increase in excitement whenever this was combined with crossdressing, real or imaginary. He had always found the image of women dressed in erotic lingerie a turn on, and began to fantasise about making love to his wife when she was dressed in this sort of clothing. It remains his ultimate fantasy for both of them to be so dressed for sex, but that seems destined to be a pipe dream. Unfortunately, his wife did not share his enthusiasm, only very rarely wore anything sexy to bed, and ultimately “turned off” whenever the subject was raised. Tony was very frustrated by this, but satisfied his longings by purchasing “adult” magazines and later accessing internet sites which showed the sort of clothing he would like to see his wife wearing. By now, there was a long list of clothing he found erotic, which included corsets, stockings/suspenders, high stiletto heels, silk/satin, latex rubber, leather etc., and he had also developed a taste for bondage, but nothing too heavy. There seemed so many erotic experiences he wished to share with his wife, and so little opportunity.

As time went on, the frequency of sex with his wife diminished further, and Tony took to experimenting with his fetishes during solo-sex sessions. It wasn’t what he really wanted, but since his wife seemed not to share his desires, it was probably as near to fulfilling his fantasies that he was going to get, and in spite of the disappointment of not being able to share them with his nearest and dearest, it was still damned exciting!

There was not much material on crossdressing available at that time, but Tony discovered from his wife’s magazines, and from TV programmes, that there were a significant number of other men out there who liked to wear women’s clothes, and some could talk about it without the world coming to an end! Although society as a whole still seemed to treat crossdressers on a par with child murderers (and assumed they were all gay!), it seemed to him far less of an issue than homosexuality. After all, crossdressers only wanted to wear feminine clothing, whereas homosexuals wanted to actually have sex with other men. And that was beginning to become socially acceptable! He decided, at long last, to tell his wife the truth about his desires, and stop hiding something which was becoming more important to him as time went on. He did not handle the disclosure very well and her reaction was not good. There were many tears, and it seemed that the marriage might even break up. However, a compromise was reached, that his wife did not want to know anything more about the subject. So he continued in secret.

For the next 15 or 20 years, their frequency and variety of sexual encounters dwindled to practically nothing, it seemed that his wife had lost interest, and certainly was not interested in anything out of the ordinary; almost as if her upbringing had taught her that anything other than the missionary position under the covers with the lights off was somehow “dirty” or perverted. Tony continued to satisfy his own sexual desires and to “dress” whenever he felt the need and the opportunity presented itself, though still longing to share a rich and varied sexual relationship with his wife.
With the availability of the internet, Tony discovered a new world. Many “aids” for enjoying sex were readily available by post, without having to walk into a shop to buy them. He wanted to try them all with his wife, but unfortunately, she did not appear to be interested. He also discovered sites for crossdressers, particularly one, an open forum, where people were able to express their feelings on this subject, ask questions and share information and experiences through the anonymity of the internet. He learned that there were many others (both male and female!) who shared his need to wear clothing of the opposite sex, and that there was a complete spectrum of male practitioners, spanning from those who occasionally like to wear panties, to those who eventually undergo a sex change operation. He knew that we are all a mixture of male and female characteristics, and that with the rise of the “Metrosexual” male, it was becoming fashionable to show a female dimension too, but although he was still predominantly male, he did have one female characteristic that was not yet generally acceptable in British society. He was also aware that although a few wives seek divorce due to discovering that their husbands crossdress, the majority tolerate, many accept and in a good number of cases participate in the activity. He knew he was not gay (only a small proportion are, in spite of the public misconception that they all were), did not want to change sex, did not feel like a girl trapped in a man’s body, or wanted to wear female clothing more than occasionally. So what was the big deal? He realised that he owed it to his wife to be truthful, and not hide an important part of himself from her, so, following advice he had sought from the Forum, he bought a book “My Husband Betty”, written by the wife of a crossdresser. He read it himself to better understand his wife’s point of view, and gave it to her to act as a prompt to explain his point of view to her. Over 6 months elapsed before his wife had read enough to have a meaningful conversation on the subject, but her view remained that she was disgusted by the whole subject, and really didn’t want to talk about it. She also said that even knowing he wanted to crossdress put her off wanting to make love to him. She wanted a “manly” man, and that seeing him, or even imagining him in female clothes would destroy the ideal image of him that she wanted. He had assured her that he still wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, and they decided that they enjoyed all the other aspects of life together so much, that separation or divorce was not a road they wished to follow. But somehow, they were at a crossroads, and some tough decisions about the future still remained to be made.

Many fairy stories have a happy ending. You now have an opportunity to choose the ending to this one. Here are some options.

Ending One

Tony’s wife remains unable or unwilling to change her view that crossdressing is disgusting and perverted. It may be based on misconceptions and lack of knowledge, but she finds it too painful to contemplate learning more about Tony’s “hobby”. She hopes that by trying to control his crossdressing by subtly disapproving of it and avoiding any discussion, it will just go away. In an attempt to find a mutually acceptable compromise, Tony tries to give it up and stops crossdressing. He achieves a measure of success, does not crossdress or make contact with his friends on the Forum for a few months and his wife initially seems a little happier now that the problem appears to be solved. However, Tony feels like a child whose favourite toy has been taken away, he thinks more and more about it, longing for its return. He realises that he has a need which is not being satisfied. His wife remains aware that Tony still has a strong desire to crossdress and finds it a turn off. She cannot find the enthusiasm for a resumption of the sex life they used to enjoy, which is one of the few other areas where they had disagreed in the past. Tony becomes more and more frustrated, even losing some of the happy-go-lucky outlook on life that he had. To at least achieve some measure of satisfaction, he starts crossdressing again behind his wife’s back, in spite of the risk of discovery and the effect it may have on their relationship. Neither of them is really happy with the arrangement.

Ending two

Tony’s wife is still very uneasy with the whole subject of crossdressing, but realises eventually that this is an integral part of her husband’s character. If she still wants to spend her life with him, it’s part of the package, warts and all. She seems upset that she didn’t sign up to this aspect of his character at the altar, but in 37 years of marriage, there have been many changes in both of them that neither of them signed up for at that time either! After all, she did marry him for what he was then, and that was the combination of male and female characteristics that included the crossdressing, even though she did not know about that at the time. She decides that she is not going to throw away 37 years of otherwise happy marriage, and so had better find out more of what this subject is really all about. She seeks further information from the internet and from books, much of it provided by Tony for her. She confirms much of what Tony had told her, and through much discussion with him, satisfies herself that he is not gay, doesn’t want to change sex, nor for any other friends and relatives to know his “secret”, but just feels the need to dress in female clothes from time to time. She finds that she can accept that, it no longer seems such a big deal, but she still does not want to see him in anything but his male clothing and is still terrified of anyone else finding out about it. She likes him as a “manly” man, and still believes that seeing him in female clothing would destroy her ideal image of him. They come to a workable agreement of when and where his crossdressing can take place, where the clothes are stored, how much is spent to pursue the activity etc., and although this seems terribly restrictive to Tony, he realises that half a loaf is better than no loaf at all. In time, some of the restrictions are relaxed somewhat, and his wife even realises that accompanying him for clothes shopping creates far less suspicion of who the clothes are really for. The more open attitude between them also results in a less inhibited sexual relationship, which benefits them both, but many restrictions still remain. Both of them are relieved to know that this is no longer a threat to their future happiness together.

Ending three

Following on from ending two, Tony’s wife begins to realise that far from becoming a bone of contention between them, the agreement on crossdressing has actually drawn them closer together. She continues to read more about the subject, and joins the Forum where Tony is a member, to see what others have to say on the subject. There is even a “Wives Only” section, where she can ask any question she likes and share experiences, knowing that it is only other female partners who can read her input, and anyway, everything can be anonymous on the internet! She begins to lose some of the inhibitions she had on the subject, and begins to get curious as to what Tony looks like when dressed. They agree that it would be a good idea to satisfy this curiosity on a gradual basis, so Tony wears only one female item of clothing at first, before adding more as time goes on. His wife begins to realise that Tony does not change when he puts on stockings or knickers etc (well, maybe he’s a little more cuddlesome), but he is still the same person she has always known, with all the same attributes and faults he has when dressed as a guy! She does however notice that he becomes aroused when dressed, and decides to take full advantage of that situation. Tony has no complaints, and they both begin to enjoy a new dimension to their sex life. She eventually accepts that Tony in lingerie is still the same husband she’s known for many years, and she no longer thinks she’s with another woman when he’s dressed. As they enjoy this activity, they get more adventurous, sometimes going out wearing similar underclothes under their usual outer clothing. It’s exciting to share a “guilty” secret, and they both know what will happen when they get back home! They even find it easier to talk about other aspects of their sex life that they would like to explore together. At last, his wife overcomes her reluctance to articulate her own desires in the bedroom, and finds Tony more than willing to satisfy her needs too. They both enjoy their life together.

Ending four

Following from ending three, Tony’s wife gets even more comfortable with the whole subject, and decides that she is ready to see him fully dressed. His first attempt is seen as a disaster, so she decides to help him achieve his dream of dressing as a female by helping with clothes selection, make-up etc. She even sees it as a challenge, and Tony is more than happy to be used as a blank canvas for his wife’s creative efforts. It’s only fair that he returns the compliment to his wife. Tony’s wife has dreams of her own of course, and now seems less inhibited in expressing them. Not surprisingly, Tony seems keen to help her achieve them, and they both seem to have a more positive attitude to helping one another to achieve ambitions which they had harboured for many years, but which had never previously come to the surface. And life is much better when both are fulfilled and there are no secrets between them.

Ending five

If you don’t like any of the four endings above, now please write your own preferred ending, and we’ll come to some agreement about where we go from here.

[NatalieGirl]

Thanks for sharing, Kim. I found your story very inspiring.

XOXOXO
Natalie

[marie354]

My parents were disappointed that I was a boy. They really wanted a girl. Bear in mind that way back then people didn't know what their child would be born as. Sonograms weren't invented yet. So all the clothes that they had were girls clothes when I was born. I didn't know at that age, but I do now.
:hugs:

[Victoria Anne]

Kimberly, I am amazed at some of the things we share in our lives,while I am not as elloquent as you I will give it a shot a give you a brief (well maybe not so brief) run down of my life.

Born in 1960 in a small California town,Glendora I suppose life began fairly normal for the time although in 1965 things were going to happen that would change life unimaginablly. A short note here, I have dressed as long as I can remember so I cant say there waqs any one thing that lead me to it. 1965,while on the way back from Barstow CA my mother and father were in an horrible accident where in my father recieved a small cut on his forehead while my mother did not fare so well,she was described by the news papers as a monster. She spent the next 15 years going through hell as she proved the doctors wrong. She was told she would never walk again,21 surgeries later and over 15 years she became a PAC (physicians assistant certified) and oh yes she was walked up to recieve her diploma from UCLA.

Now during all this time my sister and I fell under the care of live in attendants as our family wanted nothing to do with raising us except for my Grandmother but grand father would have none of that.So we fell to the loving care of the attendents which liberely applied all manner of abuse,emotional,physical and sexual.With all this I became serious trouble,raised around drag racing, bikers the like of the Hells Angels and yes I do know them and the Ventura Orphans,bike clubs not to be messed wiyh and then there were the low riders and was it any wonder that I found jail to be a second home! Alcohol and drugs were my best friends and let me tell you dressing was a challenge to say the least.

To step it up a bit at 14 I was in juvinille prison for, lets just say some serious offenses,I escaped and fled to my uncles in Arkansas, he was a Baptist preacher who petitioned California for custody and won! Needless to say my life was going to change and change hard it did. Up at 0500 to do chores, feed the hogs,tend the garden and off to work in a gas station until 0900 then it was a private church school until 1600 and thento wrk again on a construction job with my uncle, home finally but no rest for there is wood to cut pens to be mended hay to be bucked and lets not forget homework.
We lived in an old run down shack, it was my uncle,aunt and three cousins and I, he did the best he could and I love him for it,he saved my life.

At 17 I could not take it anymore so I ran off , back to California and my mother. Went and got my GED and tried to go into the Marine Corps but mom would not sign so for my 18th birthday I joined the corps. Qualified for avionics and found myself in force recon, go figure. Two years later struck my CO and reciecved a BCD, not proud of it but if the same circumstances occured again I would do the same. By the way it was the only trouble I've ever been in since a teen.

Am I out hurting people or abuseing my children, oh yes I have three. No, I believe we are all responsible for our own actions and the resuling consiquences for those actions and I blame no one for my past,childhood.

I have had three previous marriages,first marriage we both agreed we were to young, second was a result of doing the right thing, got a girl pregnant so I married her, way wrong awnser! and the child turned out not to be mine but by the there are to otrhers. now number three and you'll love this went to Russsia for the winter met a doctor ( dr. of philosophy,masters in biology and chemistry ) a smart woman trouble was she turned out to be a spy! no kidding she was a spy, imagine the look on my face when the dept. of justice is knocking on the door! Thats history but she got back to Russia one step ahead of the authorities and pregnant so I actually have a fourth child in Russia,and there is my step daughter so If your counting thats 5 kids and none know of my dressing.
So her I am now at 46 and finally accepted myself for who I am as a TG/CDR and married an actress! beautiful too, she was my best friend for 7 years prior to our marriage. I/we now drive a truck across this country and all provinces of Canada,been married now for 10 years. My wife supportts me and goes out with me, she is a dream come true. Would I change anything of my past if I could ? no, It has all taught me lessons that can never be found in any formal schooling. Oh and a side note I also managed to become a medic first aid instructor , no big deal there but a Master Scuba Diver Trainer,teaching begining to proffessional level diving to include search and recovery,deep diving, underwater nav.,night diving, wreck diving,u/w photo and multi level diving, I love the ocean. Thats it in a nut shell,hope I did not bore you and still manage to give you some insight to who I am.

[Rebecca_Annette]

What an incredibly complex upbringing and life you've had, Kimberley.

I think there may be some parallels with a lot of the folks here to some degree, though nothing like yours, even I can see some siimilarities with mine.

I was the youngest of 4 ~ brother, two sisters, then me, growing up in the late fifties early sixties. My father was an ex-military type and very strict. Our morning call was "Get your nice warm feet onto that nice cold floor!" My mother, God bless her, was a wonderful woman who always tried her best for us, but found it impossible ~ because of her upbringing ~ to make friends, she actually found it easier to make enemies, and did so quite often.

My eldest brother ~ Robert ~ was profoundly deaf, the result of my mother having either measles or German measles during her pregnancy. At that time where we lived, the fact that he was handicapped ~ different ~ made him some sort of freak. So we were "the family with the freak kid", not a good way to help making friends esecially coupled with the way my mother was.

Anyway, to do the best they could for my brother, my parents had to send him to a resdential school for the deaf, some 25 miles from where we lived, he'd only get home every other weekend, when he was home he was lavished with attention and money, at the expense of the other 3 of us. I think, now, that my parents actually felt guilty about sending him away, even though it was the best thing for him at the time.

Strangely enough I now live in the town where he attended that Residential school, it still looks scarey, though obviously it has changed (for the better) in the last 40 years. Back then it was run like a cross between a military base and a prison ~ step out of line and punishments started with being hit across the palm of the hand 6 times with a leather strap. That place turned my brother (six years older than me) into a bully. The treatment he received when at home turned him into a selfish bully.

His favourite "game" was wrestling ~ with me as his sparring partner. He managed to break two of my fingers (on seperate occasions) and once nearly blinded me in one eye. But he was only being "boisterous" and I should learn to "give as good as I got" (from my father).


So basically I had my two sisters as my friends whilst I was young. they are 3 and 4 years older than me and their favourite game was to dress me up in their clothes and push me around in their doll prams. I was a little "living dolly". Their second favourite game was to raid my mother's clothes closet and dress up. Having no other friends, I joined in.

When I started school, I did make some friends, good friends, although they were few and far between as I had never learned to kick a football (soccer ball), or wield a cricket bat. (Those things still don't interest me). When I was ten years old, my family upped and moved 10 miles away. Not a great distance, but far enough away so that I could not keep in touch with the friends I had made. So, it was "start again", which is always very difficult at 10, and ~ I think even more difficult for me because I'd never really learned how to make friends.

By the time I was thirteen, (1967) I had started growing my hair long, and listening to The Byrds, Jimi Hendrix, Jefferson Airplane, and (I hate to admit it to you Vicky.... :)) The Grateful Dead, which just made me more of a "weirdo" to my peers.


I left school on my sixteenth birthday, and got a job in an office, where I'd stay for the next sixteen years, by the skin of my teeth more times than not, I would not have my hair cut and conform, I would not wear a business suit, I would not wear a tie. I think I was quite lucky to last 16 years.


In 1979 I met a girl who worked there, she was 3 years younger than I was, quite sweet, and (most importantly) sexually naive, at the age of 25 I had never had sex. She was "ideal". We got married in 1981.


She was scared of sex though, I think it's a proper medical condition with a proper name, though I don't know what it is. It was ok, we were best friends.

About 4 years into our marriage my wife's sister gave her a silk dress, a beautiful and expensive dress actually, but it was too long. She tried all ways to get the hem to the right length without any luck whatsover. In exasperration she asked me to put it on and stand on a chair while she pinned it at the right length. I didn't fancy the idea one little bit, but I agreed. I didn't feel at all comfortable, and at first it did nothing at all to, or for, me. Then she told me it wasn't "hanging correctly" and could I "pretty please" just slip my jeans off and get on the chair again. I did, and well, wow, I can't explain how I felt. I still felt slightly foolish, but also a little excited and breathless, if that makes sense?

She got the hem done to her satisfaction, and reluctantly I changed back into my own clothes.

I kept thinking about it though.

But it was a surprise a couple of days later when she asked if I'd like to wear the dress again. I think I wanted to more than anything in the world, but I "ummed" and "erred" a bit before agreeing. We didn't do anything, I just wore the dress. She did say that she thought I looked good in a dress, which pleased me, because I certainly felt good in it.

Over the course of the next couple of weeks I think we went through her entire wardrobe, then one Saturday she went shopping and came home with a red dress, she asked me if I liked it, I told her I did, she said "Good, because I bought it for you".....

So it went on, hose, shoes, boots, dresses, lingerie, make up.

It was not all the time, but three, sometimes four, times a week she'd ask on the way home from work if I "fancied getting changed", when out shopping she'd see something and ask "Do you think Rachel would like this?" The answer was usually an unqualified yes.

It was never an overtly sexual thing between us, more a "comfort" thing, something to share, yes, we shared some clothes, but I think their must have been at least something sexual in it because our daughter was born within 18 months of me first putting on that silk dress (which, I must say, once it had been altered reverted to being exclusively hers :().

When my daughter was about six months old I got home from work one day to be told by my wife that she had disposed of all my "female clothing" as she did not want me "dressing up as a woman" any longer as it made her "feel like a lesbian". She made me promise never to wear female clothing again.

I was actually devestated. I had done no-one any harm, and if there was to be any "guilt" it was as much hers as mine. That was it then. I would stop crossdressing, easy enough to do. Except of course the "wish" never goes away.

We had a son 2 years after my daughter was born, and I love both my children more than I love my own life. I always did, and I always will.

About ten years ago things started to go really bad between my wife and I, no blame to be apportioned, it just happened. We hung on together for our children, but three years ago I heard the expression "Well, if you won't do it, I want a divorce" one too many times, and granted her her wish. I left and got a place of my own, where I was very happy for 2 years. I got myself a new job, perhaps not the best job in the world, but one that I really enjoy, and where I made genuine friends.

I was on my own, I could do whatever I wished... and guess what came back into my mind?

I got an account with a mail order catalogue, I even ordered a dress. A beautiful green jersey dress with long sleeves and a tiered skirt. I tried it on, and sent it back. I lost my nerve... What if someone caught me? What if my children saw it hanging in the closet when they visited? How would I explain it away?

About 15 months ago I met my current partner, we got on very well, and last July I gave up my home, my car, my furniture, and moved in with her.

She had openly confessed her bi-sexuality, and had told me about her two same sex relationships, so, about September last year, whilst rather drunk, I told her about my crossdressing, and how it made me feel.

She was more than supportive, everything was fine, more than fine. Up until the Christmas holiday period, when she said she simply could not bear to see me dressed enfemme, that it made her feel physically sick. I think I can understand that, in a way.

But, I had given up what I really wanted once in my life, and it had been difficult, almost two decades later it was impossible. That's when I found this place, and when I stopped feeling that I was a total freak and weirdo. I'm not either of those things, I know and understand that now.

Much more has happened since Christmas, but I've catalogued that elsewhere on the messageboards, so I won't burden anyone with it again.

I have come to the conclusion that it's time to do what is right for me. I am selfish and shallow, I am no good at relationships, I never have been. And right now I think my best course is to find somewhere of my own, be myself ~ find myself, and sort out the many problems I have. Problems I have only recently become aware of.

I too drink too much ~ something which has changed recently, hopefully, I have periods of deep (but non-violent) anger and resentment, I have periods of dark depression, and I've always believed I was riding a "Highway to Hell". I think some of my problems relate to my childhood and upbringing, but I can not and will not blame my parents, they did their best.

OK, that's it, apologies for boring anyone, but having this place is having someone to talk to, I think, for the first time ever. Thanks for listening (and Vicky? I still freak out to "Mountains of the Moon" and "What's Become of The Baby" ;))

Peace

[TxKimberly]

. . .Born in 1960 in a small California town,Glendora . . .

Victoria,

Maybe it's a Southern California / desert thing! What do ya think?
:-)

Kim

[TxKimberly]

Thanks for the comments everyone.
I especially want to thank those that posted YOUR stories!

Being brought up in a "library with beds", in the city, surrounded by intellectuals - weird!! ;-)

". . . His favorite "game" was wrestling ~ with me as his sparring partner . . . "
Had to laugh there, my brother was the same way. Guess he wanted to make a boy outta me. That all ended when I was 16 and snapped, lost my temper, and my mother and grandmother had to pull me off of him because I was grinding his face into the gravel driveway. Oops.

" . . . they risked hellfire and damnation . . . "
LOL - Guess we all do from time to time!

" . . . seems to me that you are becoming the man your father never was and the daughter your mother may have wanted . . ."
When I told my mother a few years ago, the first thing she said was "Why didn't you ever say anything?!"
As for being the man my Father never was, I was a decent, though less than stellar, father to my son. Learned a lot and grew up a lot by the time my daughter came along and feel I can claim to be a good father to her. It is my hope that my children will grow up to be much better parents than I am - perhaps something on a par with Carin and Louise! :-)

I have read each and every response, many of them several times. Thank you all for sharing!
Kim

[Rebecca_Annette]

Had to laugh there, my brother was the same way. Guess he wanted to make a boy outta me. That all ended when I was 16 and snapped, lost my temper, and my mother and grandmother had to pull me off of him because I was grinding his face into the gravel driveway. Oops.


It took me until I was 27, 2 weeks before my wedding actually, one Sunday evening. My brother was drunk ~ as usual ~ and started on about how "hard" he was ~ his second favourite topic, after how "wonderful" he was ~ He told me he'd been studying martial arts and that he could now kill me 12 times. I thought it was quite funny, and told him that it would be impossible to even kill me twice, which I thought was quite a reasonable response. He went beserk, lunged at me, and literally tried to tear my windpipe out. I lost it...

It took my Dad, mother, sister, and brother-in-law to pull me off him.

I had a bruised neck for several days, he spent 2 days in hospital.

I haven't seen him for many years, not since my mother died in 1998, by then years of heavy drinking had taken it's toll on him, he was grossly overweight, and could not breathe very well, the stupid thing was, even then, he wanted to boast about how "hard" he was, and how he would always be able to "out-fight" me. I just walked away....

[Jennaie]

Yes, wow! My childhood was filled with, Men are bad, Men are bad, Men are bad, as well. Makes me wonder why I have struggled so long with gender issues.

Thank you so much for sharing Kimberly:hugs: