Such a confused critter.

[hayden von beethoven]

So.. I have a problem. I've been troubled with gender identity my entire life. But I was raised to be a free thinker and just be who I am...but..along with that my mother (who raised me alone) is a very contridactiory person. She loves my hair when its short, and hot pink (her idea.) But she hates every girl I've ever dated. She's pushing me to be in a relationship with a guy named Chris (which I'm extremely uncomfortable with.) And I'm afraid to tell her "Mom, this goes beyond what you call my 'lesbian stage'..." (my lesbian stage was a two year full blown, chopped hair, no make-up, flannel wearing rage-filled butch binge... you could say.) And I'm seriously considering starting T, not only for my own wants but also because my current love interesst (not Chris.) has a very old fashioned family and we both would feel a lot more comfortable if my appearence was slightly more..masculine. Plus I'm very self-concious of my voice. Although deep for a girl it's too high for a boy. I have a very androgynous voice I guess you could say.. So are my facial features. I don't know.

When I dress out as a girl, with my hair up (i hate long hair so I can't wear it down. I get pissy) and a small amount of make-up (to hide some scars from a wreck) and my cute tops that my mom makes me buy. I'd hit on myself. I think I'm a fox, and I like looking nice.

But when I dress out as a boy with my hair up no make up chest bound, (I still wear tight girls jeans but I guess my boyish identity is a little emo kid?) I like my boyishness too. I'm a pretty hot boy (I think I actually get more attention as a boy than a girl...)

I guess since this is getting so long and drug out... Lol.

What do I do?? Ahh!

Do I start T? I'm afraid that I'll start it and freak myself out to the point I stop and have irreversable effects... But then again I want it so bad, I've always wanted to be a boy, I never liked being a girl but when I was forced to live as a girl growing up I decided one day that being a girl really wouldn't kill me I got so used to it I began to like it.

GAH :straightface:

This suuuuucks. I need some serious advice here and I can't ask my mom because she'll get mad. Thats how she deals with me, she gets mad and points out everything I've ever done wrong. :straightface:

T or no T, that is the question at hand.

[Adam]

No T well not yet at least best bet seems your unsure is to find a consulor to talk to they can help you talk thu whats best plus i find it helps haveing someone to talk to.

As you said effects from T some are none changeable after you stop. Only start if you are 100% sure its what you want and it needs to be a choice just for you not anyone else.

i wish you luck with it and i suggect not self medicating because without blood test you can do yourself harm.

[bi_weird]

Well now that I've said hello to you in the other forum I feel like I can reply here. Just seems odd, somehow, to talk to someone without saying hello...
...anyway. (You'll learn pretty quick that I often don't make sense)
You'll notice this is a theme on here, but go see a counseler. Just because we give this advice often doesn't mean it's not good advice. If you can find a good therapist, especially one that knows a lot about gender issues, he or she can help you figure this stuff out. T is a big commitment from what I hear, so it's worth a lot of thought before you start it.
I had more thoughts, but have lost them now.

[CaptLex]

Hi again, Hayden. Like Bi, I had to go introduce myself in your intro thread first. Glad you found our little corner of the forum.

The guys have given you good advice: T is serious stuff and I don't think anyone should start on it unless they're absolutely sure they know all the possible risks and are okay with the irreversible effects. And it's true that you should also get blood work done before you begin so you (and your doctor) know about any health risks you may have so they can be monitored if you start on T.

A couple of things rang a few bells for me about your post:

1. You said,
I'm seriously considering starting T, not only for my own wants but also because my current love interesst has a very old fashioned family and we both would feel a lot more comfortable if my appearence was slightly more..masculine. In my opinion, I don't think taking T or making any other permanent changes to yourself should be done based on someone else's expectations or perceptions of you - especially since the future is uncertain and you don't know if these people will still be in your life 2, 5 or 10 years from now.

2. Your relationship with your mom sounds like she would probably have a hard time accepting and adjusting to your being trans, especially if you plan to transition. I think it would be a good idea to first break the news to her (even if she doesn't take it well), before you start making permanent changes. I'm sure it would be a bigger shock to her system to suddenly see you with facial hair and a deeper voice than if she had at least a little while to start getting used to the idea. I realize it's not going to be easy with a mom that is telling you who to date and what to wear (and you know her better than any of us), but it takes a while for us to come to terms with it, so we can't expect anyone else to take it in quickly either. I think little steps work best - and as much information as you can give her. Depending on how Mom takes it and your relationship, you may also find out that you won't be able to make any changes until you're on your own.

3. You also said:
I never liked being a girl but when I was forced to live as a girl growing up I decided one day that being a girl really wouldn't kill me I got so used to it I began to like it.
Maybe you suppressed your male self and lived as a girl because you felt you had no choice, but maybe some part of you likes being a girl and you may find yourself unhappy at not being able to be both when you want to. Again, I think it'd be good to sort this out before you jump into a full transition.

All of these things sound like good topics for a gender therapist (if you can find one) or a regular therapist (if that's all you can find). The bottom line is that I think you should hold off on the T until you can discuss these things with someone that can help you see the whole picture so you can decide what you really want to do. I know all about being impatient and wanting to make changes right now (trust me, I do), but this is a huge thing and even when you know you absolutely want it and will endure anything to get it, there will be hard, confusing days, so you should go into it armed with the best information and the surest decisions.

Good luck, hun. :hugs:

[Tristan]

I agree that the guys are right about seeing a counselor. T is a HUGE step and you can't start it without 12 therapy hours or 3 months real life experience living as a male full time. If you have doubts in my mind, that means you shouldn't be going on t. It has to be for you and for no one else, you are the one who in 60 years will still look like a man. You need to be sure that this is what you want. It's very easy to go from Eve to Adam with the hormone treatment, but it's very hard to go back from Adam to Eve once you've done the hormone therapy. It can be a confusing journey one that needs to be taken with much caution and thought.

[Gina_darling]

Hi guys, thought I could be of some help. I wish I could have had the choice of T or not T! but it came as standard :heehee: I have a medical background and know a lot about hormones and their effects. You must be absolutely 100% sure you want to go down the route of testosterone treatments. Your voice will break permanently, your facial hair will grow darker, thicker and longer and these changes can't go back to how they were before. There are many people out there who have undergone hormone treatments and surgery and then found it was wrong for them. You seem to me to be still unsure so I would hold off on the T. I sometimes think about taking oestrogen and developing breasts but know that that is permanent and if I changed my mind would need a mastectomy. I don't think I will ever take hormones as I must present as male for my job (someone transgendered wouldn't be accepted).

Think carefully and good luck in what you decide. It is very confusing and takes lots of time and patience to come to terms with who we are.

Gina xx

[Wren]

Welcome to the Forum hayden. *waves*

Alright, I'm not going to repeat the T is serious business droll, the guys and girl have said some good stuff already.

Don't change on behalf of someone else. That's never the right answer, your girlfriends family shouldn't be a factor in the decision making, and frankly your girlfriend should be involved in your journey but by no means be the reason you are doing this.

You have to be really honest with yourself, and I think you need to eat a bowl of ice cream and do some thinking about your wants and needs. Try and focus on yourself for a moment and forget about the way other's perceive you.

Take some time. Life isn't a horse race.

[hayden von beethoven]

Wow. That not only took forever to read but it also made something in the pit of my stomache do flips.

Thanks to all of you who posted back. Your words have set my mind in motion ten fold.

And in reply to a lot of things said, I guess when I said the comment about my girlfriend's family I didn't present myself clear enough on that subject. Her family's thoughts and opinions on me or our relationship is in no way going to change my mind about T one way or the other, if I decide not to do it then they can shove it. And if I do then...yeah.

But wow. I'm going to re-read all of that... again and again.

All of you who replied and everyone on this site are amazing people in the few hours I've spent scrolling the forum I'm just... moved.


xxHayden.